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Millenium Supai.Topic%20Title
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Love, learn, live.

Gender: Female

Location: Lurking here and there.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 12:02 am

Posts: 3426

Um.....well, I couldn't post this in the present testimony since it is my original work. But, I wanted peoples input on my original work. It's called Millenium Supai. I would like you guys to give me your honest opinion on my story. Here is a sample for my story.

Spoiler: Cover and sample chapter.
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Chapter 5: Red eyes mark the curse.

Vain wouldn’t stop crying, I held him in an attempt to make him stop. Luckily, my eyepiece went off. I then released Vain and answered it. It was 78. “57! You must leave Jupiter immediately!” 78 sounded frantic!

“What’s wrong 78?” I asked.

The signal suddenly went bad. “Y—mu—leave—e—are-the—are—reb—head—your way!!” she said.

“What? 78, repeat!” I tapped my eyepiece in an attempt to hear her again.

“I said-“ the signal went dead……

“78, 78, Respond!” I yelled tapping my earpiece.

Vain looked outside the nearest window. His eyes suddenly widened. “Ayami! We must leave immediately!” he yelled.

I didn’t have much choice by how he grabbed my arm. Besides, whatever was wrong had 78 concerned. (Which is rare for her.) Vain quickly pulled me outside of the building. Inside the dome it was raining. Normally I love rain….but today’s rain was gloomy and disturbing.

“Hurry, we must not waste any time!” Vain screamed.

I ran for dear life…I really did. But I suddenly tripped over a rock….. at least that’s what I thought it was. I looked down at the ground to see a dead bloody body on the ground. I gasped in shock as Vain tugged at me. “Come on! They’re headed this way!!” Vain screamed pointing to the sky. Out in the distance were these two space pirates, or Rebels as we call them. Space Pirates are against any kind of authority. They seem to think that since the Solar System is full of refugees, that they have to get free rights to live any where and do what they want. They’re just a bunch of hoodlums.

I tried to get up, but my leg wouldn’t move. I looked down to see my ankle wedged between two rocks. As I tried to break free the closer the rebels got. I kept on pulling and tugging but it just wouldn’t budge. So I just pulled out my gun. (And trust me….it was worth my life. I had to.) I just shot my leg out of the rocks. Clean off….. So finally, I huddled over with Vain. But it was too late. The rebels took a stick of dynamite and blew up one of the large 7 story buildings in the area. I watched in daze at the glass falling like rain. As the large shards fell, Vain suddenly grabbed me and put me to the ground. It hit him in the back and sides. I was hit as well, yet it wasn’t as severe as Vain. His shrieking howl echoed in my ears.

“VAIN!!!!” I screamed.

Vain looked at me and smiled, “ Are you hurt….?” He examined me. “Not bad…..at least you’re not dead…..” he smiled softly. He suddenly fainted on top of me. His blood stained my body. Smoke filled the air as the building burned with a dim orange glow. My head ached, my ears were ringing, my body felt like it was about to explode at any moment. The smoke smelled terrible and it made my eyes feel heavy. Before I knew it, I was knocked out.

Next thing I knew, I was in the Cherry Blossom field with Takahiro, Kai, and Mike. Takahiro gave me a stern look. “You must not give up, Ayami-chan. This world is not meant for you. Not now.” He said.

Kai giggled covering his mouth like a little school girl, “Oh, Ayami-chan….you are so strong in spirit with such a fragile body!” he teased.

I suddenly saw the scenery fade away from me. All I heard was a soft sweet voice…. No- wait, there was more. An Irish, British, Slavic, and thuggish voice. It got louder as my vision cleared. As my vision focused, I saw everyone from my sector, except Mia and Vain. I was what looked to be a hospital.

“Oh, Ayami! Thank Goodness you’re alright!” Rapheal smiled sweetly.
“Hey, she’s up!” Boris grinned.
“Oh, Thank GOD!” Ben sighed in relief.
“Ey, dat is one tough babe, I’ll give er dat!” Giuseppi smiled.

I smiled back at them and yawned. My leg was tingling for a bit for some strange reason. I looked down to see Barry applying a robotic leg where my missing ankle was. Barry finished and smiled in accomplishment, “There, indestructible!” Barry laughed tapping it. Suddenly it broke into a million pieces. “Crap!” Barry yelled.

Giuseppi gave Barry a disgusted look. “Dat’s not how you apply dat! Ere! Lemme do it!” he pushed aside Barry and in a minute he got done. “Dere, good as new…” he tapped it with a wrench. He was right! It stayed in tact! “A moron could do it!” he sighed

“Well looks like Barry has been demoted from a moron, he’s now a stupid drool monkey!” Boris gave a cocky smirk.

“Hey, shut it Canada!” he yelled.

“He’s Russian, you flame’n moron!’ Giuseppi grunted.

“Be quiet, Germany!” Barry snapped.

As the three argued, Darzie sat on the edge of my bed. “Hey, you must be crazy to shoot your own foot off.” He laughed.

“Actually, I’ve had a prosthetic foot for years.” I said.

“Really? Why?” he asked.

“Well,” I looked down at my leg. “My dad was really angry at my mom, so he took out our family katana and attacked me with it. You can see the scars here.” I said pointing to the scars on my leg. “And he hacked off my foot.”

“Ouch,” Darzie said in disgust. “That sounds rough.” He said sadly.

“Ah, you get used to it.” I smiled tapping my foot.

I noticed Mia hadn’t come in, my guess is, is that she’s visiting Vain and bawling like crazy. I did want to go see Vain, but not while she’s in there crying her eyes out. Maybe later.

To Be Continued…….


Saving space.

Comments welcomed.
Re: Millenium Supai.Topic%20Title
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Rise and shine, Mr. Judge.

Gender: Male

Location: Hugging MMF!

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:55 pm

Posts: 2169

EPIC.
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Re: Millenium Supai.Topic%20Title
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Love, learn, live.

Gender: Female

Location: Lurking here and there.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 12:02 am

Posts: 3426

Aw....thanks!
Re: Millenium Supai.Topic%20Title
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PM me, I bite ;)

Gender: Female

Location: SF Bay Area

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:35 pm

Posts: 1204

Good job, MMF! I love it! ^_^
Been here since 2/4/08
Re: Millenium Supai.Topic%20Title
User avatar

Love, learn, live.

Gender: Female

Location: Lurking here and there.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 12:02 am

Posts: 3426

Thank you! :)
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