Couldn't love this one. It just felt...forced. Unnatural is probably the best way I can define it, personally.

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Rewrite is up.

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MUCH better.

It's so much fun to read that a quarter of the way through I went back to the beginning and read it to myself aloud. Then halfway through after my voice gave out I decided to post this commentary.

Now if only I was Morgan Freeman.

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8D
YUM.

I liked the first, but it lacked...your signature. The attention to detail and warmth that is present in everything else you write.
This is something that's there in this version, so yay ~

Smooth and delicious. Keep up the good work ~

I am MUCH happier with this one, and I do hope everyone else is as well.

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This version? Is MUCH better. Definitely much more what I would expect from a writer of your skill. Franziska's feelings of insecurity were explained much better, which was desperately needed for the feeling of turning to Adrian for guidance that you were going for. This version has your wonderful writing style that I've come to expect, and overall it's just much more beautiful. Major kudos. I'm very impressed.

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Funky, it's bloody brilliant. The first version....like most said left a lot to be desired, and felt rushed. This version shows that you were more comfortable with writing the piece, without going too far into it.

Rock on Funky.

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Original version summary: Sex, mistake, more sex, mistake, talk.
New version: This one, I'm happy to say, is much better then the old one. The old one had no plot. If I'm going to see some random thing of people having sex, and it's made by someone who I know can make an awsome storyline, I want a storyline. Keep up the good work with your ficnesszorez.

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I didn't get a chance to read the first version before the second came up, so I can't judge the amount of improvement. But I can say that Franziska was characterized very well, as she always is (I like your take on her, though I wasn't fond of her in the game itself). Adrian, too, though she wasn't the focus of this particular story. Everything was well written and detailed.

But I think there's still something holding it back from being really great... and I think it's actually the beginning. I know you added the intro section to give the sex context, but it feels kind of tagged on, and you still missed the most important part: how did they get from the balcony to the bedroom? The scene changes so suddenly it feels like two entirely different events. Which isn't necessarily awful, but I think it negates some of the setup.

So I don't think you should be so nervous writing the sex, 'cause that seemed fine to me, and over all it was very sweet. I just think it still could have been set up a little better.

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I kinda agree with Croik, about the jump. That part kind of stuck out to me, and probably could have used a better transistion. But I let it past seconds after, and is probably my only complaint x3

though I personally didn't see anything wrong with the first one. I ddin't really understand what everyone was saying. That one was short and cute, and I didn't compare it to your other work, because I knew your intend was just to read something quick, not write a novel. When I know the thought beyong something, I can usually understand it better.

But this one is better, and I like the internal battle in Franziska x3

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I am typically not good at introductions if I am writing something quickly, so I will indeed say this.

Underage drinking, much? Or ar drinking laws different in California? I dunno. Kinda irrelevant. The rest is, however, relevant to my criticism.

TO be perfectly honest, I don't know what I feel about this. On one hand, there is a deep characterization of Franziska. I alway appreciate deep, dripping characterizations, but on my other hand, I have this feeling of too much characterization, not enough things going on to portray these feelings. I keep saying that actions are louder then words, so little actions made by characters can tell you much more about someone then a paragraph of thoughts. In short, there might be too much characterization, or I should really say that it isn't proportionate to the rest of this little tale. I mean, how does Adrian feel about their relationship? I have been hearing out of your little series of stories is FRAN FRAN FRAN, I don't hear much from Adrian.

Yeah, ok, a little more on you thoughts. They are nicely written, but setting disappears quickly. There were a couple moments that felt like WE'RE ON A DECK K GUIZ LOL and really didn't feel right, which is quite sad, since you give such wonderful, living settings.

Oh, and is it just me, or am I sensing one huge gap of logic with Franziska? Ok, she is terribly frightened by the idea of an intimate, physical relationship, and yet Adrian and Fran have done activities that could easily qualify as a breach of physical limitations? Moreover, she cannot say the words, but she feels she must show Adrian through actions, even though she has indeed expressed fear of said intimacy? I must be missing something. Did she grow suddenly within her own mind? Was this a tale of Fran convincing herself to dabble in full blown girl/girl love making or what? I was left more confused then anything.

Oh, and the transition was EXTREMELY awkward. Did Fran go VTECH JUST KICKED IN YO and sent Adrian into the bedroom in a Mike's Hard Lemonade fueled I'M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH tackle to do JAM IT IN or BARREL ROLL to a collective ecstasy? Last I checked most couples in real life do that. Pron, maybe. Life? No.

Lastly, I noticed the last half was the same damn piece I read before hand with a few words and sentences added in. You know perfectly well how I felt about that one.

If I can say something without coming off as a bad guy or an overly harsh critic, but the piece smelled of Chocolate-Covered Crap. Good outer layer, but once you get to the middle, things leave a bad taste in your mouth.

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Franziska is afraid of emotional and physical intimacy, yes, but like I related... she and Adrian together have been working to help her overcome that, slowly. Being able to tell Adrian HOW she feels, though, is something she -cannot- do, which frustrates her most of all.

I see there as being a good span of time between the parts of the story--enough for dinner, at the very least. I didn't feel it was important.

And actually, the last half was changed quite a bit. There was stuff I really liked in it that I felt lacked context, so I kept it. But I also added more, more emotions, more explanation. I'm going to disagree with you there, but to each his own.

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Fine, I give you that one. That makes a LITTLE more sense.



To each his own, sure. It didn't help that fact that you simply dressed up a flawed bit. Adrian is still extremely mute in this entire affair.



And now we have a problem. It is still an extremely jarring transition, much like how jarring the original opening was. If you recall, on of my biggest gripes was in the opening and the unrealistic transitions.

Look, it's ultimately your writing, so it's up to you what you do with it. The sad truth is you're are not doing much to make yourself stand out from all the other sad yuri writers on the internets.

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Concrit is very nice, the point about abrupt transitions is certainly worth considering (I didn't see a problem with it, but it's fair enough that you did), but I think this is out of line. There's no need to be this hostile, Zetto, and considering how most other people in the thread seem to have thoroughly enjoyed the revised version, it's hardly the "sad truth". Tone down the arrogance a little.

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I giggled

I think Zetto could be wording his/her comments better, but the crit itself seems mostly valid to me (concerning the transition). I understand not wanting to write the two of them sitting down for dinner, for as long as it would take, but if that's the case you could have given them a setting that didn't require such a gap. Adrian Vs The Grill is cute but it's not like you haven't explored her woes in the kitchen before.

But I still don't have a problem with the sex part.

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Glad I could be entertaining. >:3

The wording isn't the best, considering it was 2 in the morning when I wrote it, but I certainly think the transition argument is valid. Without the transition, it really doesn't make itself stand out from other yuri fanfictions, in which it dives us straight to the sex. I have no problems with well written yuri, but lack of logical transitions really kills it for me.

One of the most clever yuri fics I have read was a one shot Digimon fiction, Mimi x Sora. I don't remember the name (if I can find a link, I'll post it), but it started out with the two buying supplies to work on a room in their new house. The two were a little older in the storyline, and the entire time, they talked about their relationship (Mimi having other thoughts and what not), and transitioning from working on the room. They started to get playful, one thing led to another... you get the picture. It wasn't the greatest writing (they seemed a bit out of character), but it was still very clever.

This one piece could be truly great with Adrian speaking up a bit and one nice set up in the middle, if you ask me.

(And I am a guy, for the record, Croik.)

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