Grand Balance (Yin-Yang)
Gender: Male
Location: Brazil
Rank: Prosecutor
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:31 am
Posts: 701
Ah, new chapter! And yay for the bellboy making a cameo! Though the chapter only has two paragraphs, those are huge paragraphs, so a lot is happening. I did like it.
Now, are you sure this isn't an Apollo X Ema fic...? Not that I'd mind...I got to commend you on Apollo, he would probably act (and think) just like that. You try to think like the character when writing, huh? That's good! It usually results in a more personal, interesting writing. You're managing it pretty well.
Now, like the thing with the "directions", I fear I am being a little too picky here with a detail, but the paragraphs, as I said, are big. When you have lots of dialogue, it's not very interesting to keep it all in the same block of text. For example, take this part which you wrote:
Quote:
After a long, tiring trek up 22 flights of stairs, I finally reached her doorstep. This is it, Polly! Remember, flattery gets you- EVERYWHERE I get it. Geez, why do Trucy’s words of ‘wisdom’ never cease to leave my brain?! *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* “Yeah? Who is it?! Can’t you see I’m in the shower here?!” Oh yes, because I can totally anticipate when you’re in the shower, Ema. “Um, it’s Apollo!” “OH! It’s you! Figured you’d be coming around soon enough. Come on in, the doors unlocked.”
It's understandable, and rather fast-paced, which makes sense for a dialogue. But I feel it would be easier for the reader to understand and follow the dialogue progress if it was written like this:
Quote:
After a long, tiring trek up 22 flights of stairs, I finally reached her doorstep. This is it, Polly! Remember, flattery gets you- EVERYWHERE I get it. Geez, why do Trucy’s words of ‘wisdom’ never cease to leave my brain?!
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
“Yeah? Who is it?! Can’t you see I’m in the shower here?!”
Oh yes, because I can totally anticipate when you’re in the shower, Ema.
“Um, it’s Apollo!”
“OH! It’s you! Figured you’d be coming around soon enough. Come on in, the door's unlocked.”
It might get a bit longer this way, but isn't that neat?
And I know how you feel, it's not always that we receive reviews or know that we have someone reading our fics. I'm a writer too, so I already felt that, and I do know that we lose motivation when it seems our own work is being ignored. So no need to thank me, I'm just doing my part in trying to appreciate the work of another writer. But hope you find the motivation to keep writing.