Ugh. Well, as the first draft of this story kind of… well, sucked, and I was rather unhappy with it, I decided to take it under the knife and completely rewrite. Add context, fix some things, just make it a better story more deserving of the moment I’m trying to capture here.

I really do find the Franziska/Adrian dynamic quite interesting, as, uh, I’m sure you may have realized. The fact that Franziska, though outwardly the more “dominant” and fiery of the two, is extremely inexperienced when it comes to romance and emotions… whereas Adrian, the more shy and introverted one, I see as having a bit more experience with that. It’s a part of their dynamic that I love, and I often wondered about how it would carry over into, uh, the bedroom. (Quiet. I’m not a pervert, I swear!)

So this is a moment I’d been wanting to write for a while, and I feel that this version of the story comes a lot closer to what I had in mind than the first one did (it’s also, like, four times longer). Also inspired by a wonderful piece of art done by the lovely Kamapon.

Standard warnings apply: there are two women engaged in romantic and sexual situations here, so if you don’t like it, just move right along. While I don’t think there are any spoilers for the games in here… uh… you probably should have played 2-4 before this? >.>

It also takes place in the same “universe” as my other F/A stories (Perfection, Follow the Fool, One of These Things Does Not Belong), in between “Follow the Fool” and “One of These Things…” Reading those first might give it a bit of context, so…

If you read it, please leave a comment and your thoughts! Criticism is welcomed, but please be constructive—random flaming never helped anybody.

HERE IS THE GIRLSMUT. HAPPY NOW, CROIK?

(Thanks to my wonderful betas. You girls are love.)

Enjoy the fic!


Guidance


It was a warm July evening—though, given the fact that it was Los Angeles, the fact that it wasn’t swelteringly hot was certainly a relief—and Franziska von Karma found herself sitting in a deck chair out on the balcony of her apartment, watching the sun continue its descent towards the horizon.

A cool breeze wafted through the air around the balcony sixteen stories above the ground, idly ruffling her short-cut blue hair as she took a sip from the slightly-alcoholic lemonade in front of her. Franziska sat in silence, her gaze wandering from the brilliant red sunset to the other figure on the apartment balcony.

It was a pleasant summer evening, the weather was good, and Adrian Andrews had decided that they’d take advantage of the grill installed on the outer terrace. They’d have a proper barbeque, because that was apparently what people did in the summer with their… close friends.

Of course, Franziska had never cooked barbeque in her life, and despite Adrian’s enthusiasm, the prodigy of law suspected that she didn’t have a clue as to what she was doing either. That hunch was confirmed when Franziska had left for about half an hour to go pick up some necessary ingredients they’d been missing. Adrian had been attempting to light the damned thing when she’d gone, and when she’d returned it had been just as off as ever.

Fifteen minutes later, Adrian was still determined to make the damn thing work, and it still wasn’t cooperating with her. Still, though she was obviously frustrated, it seemed as though she were in such a good mood anyway that it never really got to her.

As Franziska sat there sipping her glass of lemonade and alternating her gaze between the setting sun and Adrian wrestling with the grill set, she knew that she didn’t deserve any of this.

Well, the apartment and the balcony and grill had been paid for out of her own salary as a prosecutor, yes, but what did they matter, really? She’d lived in different places before, this was just another house with its own other belongings.

No, what she didn’t deserve was currently standing four feet away from her, trying to coax a stubborn grill into lighting with calm, pleading words and a long candle-lighter. Franziska did not deserve Adrian Andrews in her life, did not deserve the intimate trust the other woman placed in her—and she knew it.

Really, it was almost funny. She was a woman who had looked the scum of the earth in the eye without flinching, who had calmly and coolly watched as serial killers were dragged off to prison vowing revenge on her, and who had fully intended to prosecute a trial even after being shot in the shoulder. And yet, the prospect of merely being intimate with someone…?

It was terrifying.

There was a part of Franziska von Karma that knew it shouldn’t be this way. She’d never been one to allow herself silly daydreams or flights of fancy, and for eighteen years had never even once considered the idea of romance. But it was impossible to isolate oneself completely from the concept, and she was as humanly flesh and blood (though far more perfect) as anyone else… so deep down beneath her breast, she knew that she was being foolish.

Wasn’t it supposed to be wonderful? Something one lived their entire life hoping to find at last? Hadn’t some of the greatest minds the world had ever known been inspired by the mere concept of such a bond? Men had killed and been killed for it (as she knew quite well, given her line of work). Franziska had dismissed those silly notions as foolish fancy for most of her lifetime—the beliefs of weak, imperfect men and women who felt they needed someone else to achieve perfection instead of striving for it on their own.

Then it had happened to her. And it had been wonderful. Though she’d never known these feelings before, she certainly had them in her life now, and they were… nice. The way Adrian would smile at her, and there would be something in that simple contraction of muscles in the face that made Franziska... well, it felt warm. There was someone in this world who Franziska genuinely and wholeheartedly trusted—and who trusted her in turn. It was different, too, from the trust she shared with the man she called brother. However, even someone like her—whose professional existence revolved around being able to explain the unexplainable—couldn’t possibly find the words to express just how it was different.

But Adrian made her smile and feel warm deep in her stomach… and that was really all that mattered. There was another person in this world whom she could share her life with, be intimate with, and that was wonderful indeed.

And it was still terrifying.

Franziska swirled her drink around in her hand idly, listening to the clink of ice on ice on glass, the barest hint of a frown on her face. It had gotten better; Adrian had smiled and nodded and waited and understood as Franziska slowly grew accustomed to having someone in her life like that. She’d be kidding herself, however, if she tried to pretend it didn’t still intimidate her, even now.

Though she’d never before looked at anybody in this manner for almost her entire lifetime, Franziska knew that Adrian was a remarkable woman. Intelligent, loyal, compassionate, understanding, beautiful… it was an unfamiliar concept, but Franziska somehow knew that Adrian could have any other romance she so desired. Although it wasn’t a frequent conversation topic of theirs, Franziska knew that Adrian had been in other relationships before, and could find another. She could have been on any number of apartment terraces trying to light any number of grills as the sun continued down towards the horizon. Franziska knew for a fact that she was a wholly imperfect other half in so many ways, and Adrian could, logically, do so much better.

But she was here. On this balcony, with this uncooperative appliance, standing barely four feet away from this young, foolish woman who did not deserve her. And yet she would turn to Franziska, smile sheepishly and promise her that she almost had it (and rebuff any attempt of Franziska’s at trying to help), and Franziska knew that she wanted to be here.

It was unimaginably foolish of her, but nevertheless it made Franziska… almost happy behind the chagrin.

“Adrian, I’m going to go get the manual,” she said at last with a sigh, and stood up from her chair, entering the apartment the two of them shared before the blonde woman could protest.

The manual for the grill was on the kitchen counter where Franziska had left it after Adrian had insisted they didn’t need it. The young prosecutor leafed through the thin booklet until it came to the part about operating the appliance. Her eyes flitted back and forth as she skimmed the document quickly—she had a knack for memorizing texts, of course. This certainly seemed simple enough, and there was no reason why they couldn’t succeed now.

Franziska had barely taken five steps back into the bedroom towards the balcony when she paused mid-stride. Wait. Would… Adrian be upset? Feel that Franziska had no faith in her competence?

…had she screwed up again just by going to get the damn instruction manual for the grill?

However, when Adrian turned at the sound of her footsteps and smiled at her, those thoughts seemed foolish, and Franziska felt the sliver of tension dissipating into nothingness. Still, though it seemed it was all right now… well, there was no instruction manual for romance, unfortunately. There was no handbook on Adrian Andrews.

Adrian’s smile carried up into her eyes as she mouthed three small words that Franziska could easily understand, even from the other side of the bedroom.

The young prodigy froze in her tracks, glad that the other woman had returned her attention to the appliance and couldn’t see her stumble. Within a second, she’d managed to keep on walking as if nothing had happened, but there was an embarrassed blush on her cheeks.

Those words… Franziska knew the power that words had all too well, but she could have never imagined that one word in particular could affect her in such a drastic way. It was a silly word, one tossed around so frequently nowadays that it ought to have lost all meaning. Her spiky-haired foe would use it to describe his juvenile sidekick’s adoration of hamburgers, people would mention it when referring to their favorite TV shows, and it seemed that every other person on the street used it in reference to their close friends and family.

Franziska heard that single little word dozens of times a day and never felt a thing except pity for the degeneration of the English language. However, when she heard it from the lips of a shy blonde American woman just before they turned out the lights in their bedroom to fall asleep… it elicited a tremendously different response from her, both emotionally and physically. It was foolish and inexplicable, but it was the truth, and it was frustrating.

It was even more vexing, then, that those three little words—or indeed, that one little word in between the others—were nigh-impossible for her to say in response. It was foolish and it made no sense. Every time she tried to force it out, though, her breath would catch in her throat and she would mouth and gape wordlessly like some kind of particularly undignified fish.

A word she could write—four simple letters, easy enough—but never say. Nothing made sense about that damn word except her burning desire to burst out onto the balcony and tell it to the woman outside and the certain knowledge in her breast that she couldn’t.

Instead, she purposefully walked out of their room into the cool evening breeze, and pointed a finger at a little hole in the far bottom corner of the appliance. “That little nozzle is where the gas comes when you turn it on. You have to light it there or it won’t catch.”

Adrian blinked and pushed her glasses up on her nose, peering intently into the dark recesses of the grill. Then, with an embarrassed smile on her face, she shook her head. “I… don’t see what you’re talking about.”

The other woman sighed, and held her hand out, motioning for Adrian to give her the candle-lighter. For a moment, the blonde woman looked uncomfortable, but said nothing—and realization struck Franziska like the proverbial lightbulb, accompanied by a touch of chagrin.

Franziska’s hand moved to gently grab Adrian’s, squeezing it ever so softly as she guided the other woman across the scant few inches she’d been missing the mark by. She could feel the muscles under Adrian’s skin tense as she pulled the trigger on the elongated lighter. There was a spark, a brief one… but then it ignited into a small flame that spread to the rest of the coals.

With an embarrassed shrug, Adrian shook her head. “T-thanks. I… I can’t believe I didn’t see it there.”

“You’d have seen it if you looked in the manual,” pointed out Franziska, though her gaze was still firmly fixated on the steadily-growing fire. There had been fire back then—and the cold showers of sprinkler systems immediately following, of course.

At the Policeman’s Ball in Hamburg, Germany, almost a year ago, when Adrian’s lips had brushed across Franziska’s so lightly and softly that it might have merely been her imagination… that had been their first kiss, and also her first kiss—the first time she’d let anybody that far beyond her harsh, professional wall. It had been nice, of course, but it, like everything else she was only now experiencing, was frightening in its own way.

After all, wasn’t there supposed to be another side to this whole “romance” concept? The passion of the heart and the passion of the mind were followed closely by the passion of the flesh, and Franziska would have been lying if she’d tried to say she’d never since felt the soft spark of desire within her stomach.

For some reason, though, the concept of physical intimacy scared her most of all.

All her life, she’d been taught to be the one in control—of her subordinates, of the cases she was assigned to, and of any situation she found herself in. As she’d grown older, she’d slowly realized that sometimes, that simply couldn’t be the case. However, she had never ceased to be firmly in control of one person… herself. Franziska was her own master, and that was one of her few remaining constants in the world.

With Adrian, though… there were moments when she felt that iron control slipping away, even from the little things. The light touch of Adrian’s fingers on the back of her neck, the warmth of her breath against Franziska’s ear, even the faint whisper of fabric on fabric as the blonde woman lay back—fully clothed, even—on the bed. These little moments and tiny realizations blew that spark into smoldering embers that threatened to ignite into a roaring flame, just like the spark of the lighter had caught the coals of the grill.

It was only through desperately reminding herself that she was Franziska von Karma that she managed to retain herself and push away, escaping from the situation (with an aching part of her wishing she hadn’t). Franziska had stiffened up, her breath heavy with more than anxiety, retreating to the far side of the bed almost reflexively, with Adrian looking on in tremendous worry and concern. They’d both still been fully clothed, and she still felt as though she’d almost lost herself.

Adrian had been shocked at first—even hurt—but she’d understood quickly, and assured Franziska that it was okay, this wasn’t something they needed to do. Not there, not then.

But it wasn’t okay. Not to Franziska. She was a failure as a companion for the one person she wanted to be perfect for the most.

If there were any person in the world whom she trusted enough to lose herself—even the slightest bit—around, it was Adrian. That much, Franziska realized over time, was certain. But the thought of simply being in that state where she wasn’t completely in control… it was nerve-wracking and sent cold shivers running down her spine.

She had tried. Just as Franziska had slowly let herself grow comfortable with emotional and mental intimacy, she and Adrian had together, step by step, moved along the physical road. It had been slow, but it had also been progress.

Even as she grew more comfortable and less intimidated by the idea of romantic physical contact, her own inexperience was frustrating. The prodigy that always tried to carry herself with such poise and grace—even after being shot—found herself fumbling clumsily, hesitating where she shouldn’t be hesitating, and just generally making foolish, vexing mistakes. Adrian almost seemed amused at her frustration and tried to reassure her that these mistakes didn’t matter—which frustrated her even more. Of course they mattered, if only because she was making them in the first place!

Franziska knew her law books backwards and forwards, but didn’t really think these were situations usually covered in textbooks. Still, she was nothing if not a quick study. While Adrian didn’t claim to be the most experienced woman on the planet when it came to matters of romance, she was certainly more experienced than her partner, and certainly knew what she liked.

She learned from experience, and learned quickly. There was no book that told her about the way Adrian squirmed when her earlobes were nibbled, nor did any published paper reference the specific moan that escaped her lips when Franziska danced her fingers over the underside of her right breast just so. Though she learned, it was still disappointing that she’d made so many mistakes to begin with.

Adrian could tell what she was thinking, and she would laugh affectionately, running a hand through Franziska’s blue-gray hair. She would kiss her gently, and tell her girlfriend for the umpteenth time that she didn’t have to be perfect for her, because the effort was enough. Then Adrian would deftly snake her arms around Franziska’s body, lay her golden-haired head upon the younger girl’s naked shoulder, and close her eyes, often falling asleep.

The young prodigy would lie there, one arm around Adrian’s half-naked form and the other beneath her head, idly stroking her hair. Sleep was a long time in coming, so in the meantime Franziska simply watched. Watched as Adrian’s chest rose and fell with every little breath, watched the way her eyes moved beneath her eyelids as she dreamed, watched the way she smiled at these unseen places and people and things.

The blonde woman was smiling in her sleep, her arms around Franziska and her warm cheek pressed against her naked breast.

Franziska couldn’t stop the little voice inside her mind that kept telling her she didn’t deserve any of this. She had tried—to bare her heart, bare her mind, and now to finally almost bare her body. It had been terrifying, but she had tried. Yet it still somehow didn’t seem like it was enough for someone who seemed to love her so deeply. Feelings that were reciprocated but could never be said.

As Franziska sat back on the deck chair and watched Adrian Andrews tackle the new challenge of actually cooking the food, she found herself struck with a sudden, almost surprising resolve—if she couldn’t tell that woman how she felt… she would show her.


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Even with determination as strong as hers was, Franziska von Karma was unable to fully banish the fears and demons from her mind. She was no less resolute in her decision, of course, but it was… still frightening to conceive. In everything she had done—they had done—together thus far, Franziska had been able to still maintain her self-control, even if by mere threads.

What would happen now? Would she be able to keep that control? Or would she lose herself in a sea of chaotic and ecstatic fire? Franziska hated the unknown, and here it was, staring her in the proverbial face.

However, those nagging doubts and uncertainties were momentarily silenced as her searching lips met Adrian’s, pressing together in a fiery kiss. She could feel the heat of the other woman’s body against hers as Adrian wrapped her arms around Franziska’s waist, pulling her close in a tight embrace.

Franziska broke the kiss for a moment, pulling back and catching her breath before moving back in, her lips lightly dancing over the curve of Adrian’s jawline up to her ear in just the manner she had learned. As she gave the gentlest of nibbles to the blonde woman’s earlobe, she was rewarded with the sensation of Adrian tensing up in her arms and a low, soft sigh escaping her lips, hot against Franziska’s cheek.

She could feel Adrian’s deft fingers searching along the waistband of her skirt, trying to find the zipper—and she succeeded. For the briefest of moments, Franziska’s body tensed up before she relaxed again, and she could feel Adrian pause. Her voice was breathy and hot as it reached her ear, though there was concern in her tone. “You… you’re sure you want to do this, Franziska?”

Her heartbeats seemed to slow in her chest, even though Franziska knew they were racing. It was such a simple act, the removal of her skirt, and it shouldn’t even have meant much—she was still wearing underwear beneath it and still wearing her shirt. But even so… they’d been here before, and it was here Franziska had, yet again, backed down. She’d been unable to cross the bridge then. While she knew that Adrian and she could theoretically stop at any time… it wasn’t the case.

She would cross the bridge and burn it behind her. No going back. She was nervous, even scared—but Franziska wanted to. Not just for Adrian, no—not just to prove to Adrian she was a proper girlfriend… but she wanted it. The smoldering embers in her stomach were threatening to ignite, and she wanted to let them. “I said I was sure… didn’t I?” Desperately sure. “I meant it.”

The words hung in the air between them for an infinitely long moment before time seemed to matter again.

“All right,” Adrian whispered in her ear, and she began to slowly unzip her girlfriend’s skirt—once it was loose enough, Franziska aided the process, wiggling her hips enough to allow the garment to fall to the floor. For once, she simply kicked it to the side instead of putting it in its proper place… its proper place didn’t seem to matter. Not here, not now.

Even though Franziska knew she ought to be cold as the air touched her bare skin and stocking-clad legs, she really didn’t feel a thing—if not for the flickering glow within, because her attention was thoroughly elsewhere. She reached down to return the favor, her fingers searching for the button on Adrian’s pants. It was a simple little clasping fastener that was easy to undo…

…but her fingers slipped and fumbled, her hand abruptly and briefly sliding towards the side of Adrian’s hips before Franziska stopped it. Her face was a dark, humiliated red as she reached back for the button and undid it properly this time.

She couldn’t even unbutton a pair of jeans properly? Franziska stiffened up and pulled ever so slightly back from Adrian, her face flushed in frustration and gaze firmly fixed on the floor.

At last, Franziska forced her gaze up—Adrian had pulled off the little tie she used to pin up her golden locks and tossed it to the side, her blonde hair cascading down over her shoulders messily. Though she had probably found the incident amusing, there was no trace of it on her slender face, merely concern and affection. “Franziska,” she said at last, reaching out to rest her hand on the curve between the other girl’s shoulder and neck. “…it’s okay. It was just a little slip. That’s all.”

For an instant, she averted her eyes. “If… you want to stop, that’s okay too… but,” she looked back up, a soft smile on her face. “Everybody slips up, you know.”

She could still quit. It hadn’t been the point of no return after all… she could still go back.

…No.

This was the moment. No other.

Her answer to Adrian was silent. She took a step forward, took Adrian’s hand in hers—their fingers entwined tightly—and brushed her lips across the other woman’s so lightly and softly that it might have merely been her imagination. Her free hand reached down past the now-forgotten button on the pants, finding the zipper and slowly pulling it down. Adrian gave her hand a brief squeeze as she assisted Franziska in removing the garment, kicking it off to the side of the room where it fell and was promptly forgotten.

Franziska’s eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the dark in their bedroom, but as she placed her hands on the now-bare curve of Adrian’s hips, she could feel the thin material of her companion’s modest white panties, and could see the older girl in her mind’s eye perfectly and completely. The two moved as one, each with one hand in the other’s, and one hand grasping the other in a fierce, searching embrace. They had either taken two steps or two hundred when the bed they shared bumped up against the back of Adrian’s knees. Adrian let herself fall back onto the satin, cream-colored bedsheets, her soft yet firm grip on Franziska’s arm coaxing the younger woman to come join her in a controlled fall.

They were silent for a long moment, resting there together. Adrian was on her back, her golden hair spilling chaotically out over the sheets, her arms resting on the bed high above her head, a warm smile on her face. Her companion was on her hands and knees above Adrian’s prone form, and for a long moment paused, an unsure look crossing her face once more. The look didn’t escape Adrian’s notice, and she looked up at Franziska over her glasses, momentary concern in her eyes. Before she could speak, though, Franziska acted, reaching down to grab the bottom of the other woman’s sky-blue shirt and lift it up.

She lifted Adrian’s shirt just enough to expose the soft rises of her girlfriend’s breasts, and almost confidently placed her left hand on the right of the pair, her fingers digging into Adrian’s flesh tenderly—this was something she’d done before; something she knew how to do. Her fingers found the familiar sensitive spot just above where the rise of Adrian’s breast began, caressing it in just the way she knew… unbidden, a soft moan escaped the other woman’s lips in response.

Still, Adrian wasn’t just going to let the blue-haired woman do all the work… she reached up with a hand to Franziska’ blouse, undoing the buttons one by one. This, too, was something Franziska had experienced before, and anxiety was only a very small part of her sudden quickness in breath as the white garment fell open. Nevertheless, even in the dark, the sudden flush on Franziska’s face as her own small breasts were exposed was quite visible. That was natural, and she’d been expecting it.

Adrian slowly and gently bent a leg, letting her knee rise and eventually press against the other woman’s black lace panties—the heat at her center immediately obvious. That… was new. Though it took all of her remaining willpower, Franziska successfully fought the urge to immediately tense up and pull away. “Adrian,” said Franziska quickly, her voice wavering, and Adrian immediately flattened her leg, an apology on her lips. However, Franziska shook her head, speaking again, almost forcing each individual word out. “I… that… that was… you can do that, if you want,” managed the younger woman, moving slightly to allow the opened blouse to fall further down her body, baring her shoulders.

Slowly, tentatively, Adrian raised her knee again—and this time could feel faint traces of moisture against her thigh through the thin material of Franziska’s panties. She frowned, however, at the dark flush covering the other woman’s face. “…are you okay, Franziska?” she asked at last.

The fire within was beginning to become a proper blaze, and it had since reduced the bridge to ashes. This was long past where she’d been before, but… it was okay, wasn’t it? Her heart was pounding, her breath was quick… she’d come this far, yes.

Please don’t let me make a mistake.

For a long time, Franziska didn’t answer, squeezing her eyes shut. “I…” she started and then fell silent again. At long last, she seemed to be able to find her voice. “I… want to… I want to do this right,” managed the younger girl. “I want to be good but… I don’t know… I don’t know what to do,” she finally admitted, opening her eyes but looking everywhere but at Adrian.

“Franziska…” Adrian’s voice was soft and gentle, and Franziska finally looked back down at the other woman, though she still didn’t meet her eyes. Adrian reached up with one slender hand, caressing Franziska’s hot cheek tenderly, and smiled she always smiled for her. Her left hand reached down, searching and finding Franziska’s own hand on the bed. “I can guide you, if you want.”

At last, Franziska looked up and met Adrian’s gaze, the corners of her lips turning upwards just slightly, a faint mirror of the blonde woman’s loving smile—but present nonetheless.

She leaned down as Adrian moved up, pressing their lips together in a tender kiss before they both sank down onto the bed as one… entwining, caressing, holding, kissing, squeezing, gasping, touching, rubbing, whimpering, embracing, breathing, floating, losing, finding, building, breaking, releasing, knowing, guiding, loving…


Fin.

Hope you enjoyed. :)

Oh, and the aforementioned picture (warning: not safe for work/school/parents!)

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Last edited by Croik on Thu May 24, 2007 1:31 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Well almighty, you actually did write this thing.

I have to say, while well-written, handled moderately (I love how it wasn't just "omg boobs ucking loawlawl rip offpanties"), and paced shortly, it certainly wasn't much lady-smut if an erotophobe like me was able to get through it. :D

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Last edited by Holy Hell on Sun May 13, 2007 6:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

oh, HH.

You so erotophobic.

<3

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Naked bodies scare me DX

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I am a little dissapointed, Funk. I am writing on a PSP, so I cannot say why.

Tommorow. It will be tommorow when I express my thoughts effectivly. I just hope you are mature enough to handle it.

Again, I am dissapointed.

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'course I am. Go right ahead.

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Wonderful. My thoughts will gathered. It will be harsh. But know I am doing it as a writer and a friend.

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While there is quite a lot that could be fixed in this fan-fiction, there really isn't much that is needed. It was acknowledged as a short, somewhat pointless (implied) 'fic in the opening post, so I only take it at face value for what it is: a pointless sex 'fic for the Adrian/Franziska lovers to be taken hand in hand with his other Adfriska 'fics.

If this was an extended 'fiction, then perhaps yes, I could start complaining.

Unless you're disapointed about its value as a pointless smuthold, in that case, by all means go ahead and make Funk rue the day he decided to write it.

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It is more then the value of the work. It is something more then that.

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Zetto, if you didn't care for it that's fine, and if you give good concrit so the author can improve that's fantastic, but is it really necessary to make three posts about WATCH OUT I WILL BE HARSH I AM V. DISAPPOINTED IN YOU FUNK BEWARE? I mean, seriously.

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I didn't mean it that way. Sorry that is how I came off.

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Regardless, I believe it is well written.

The only thing I can see that might put people off is that both characters are horribly OOC, but this is the culmination of other fiction where you got the characters from point A to point B in a very believable manner.

Not quite able to stand on it's own as a oneshot lemon but combined with your other A/F works it is very well done.

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Ah, yep. >.>;;; This is, of course, in the same "world" as Perfection, Follow the Fool, etc (though as it's their first time, I'd say it's probably before One of These Things Does Not Belong). It's actually sort of hard in my head to get out of this little "universe" where I have the characters and their development. It isn't meant to be read as a standalone fic, but to be taken in context with the others. So yeah, in that light, it fails :P

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Ultimately, I'm disappointed because this fiction seems to be a manifestation of the fear I had about you when you wrote "One of These Things Does Not Belong." This fear that the focus on Adrian and Franziska would hurt your writing. In the case of Guidance, I think it happened.

Put simply, Guidance was awful. It was quite painful to read. Why? Everything felt generic. Now, this really isn't your fault, because just about every medium has difficultly portraying sex in interesting ways. But the reason this is all especially painful is because you are a much better writer then this. Yes, you did admit it was awful, but that really sounds more like an excuse. It's cheap, and a cop-out because it will only make readers sorry for you, when in fact, we should be expecting more out of you. It is obvious that you love Franziska and Adrian deeply, to write so many stories about those two. Why not do them justice in a good sexual fiction, instead of this generic garbage.

Funk, you have amazing skill. You are honestly one of the best damn writers I've had the honor of interacting with. You have so much talent. I wish I had as much talent as you do. This is why it hurts to see you produce something like Guidance. So my feeling is, for your own good, it's time to hang up Adrian x Franziska. They've Meet, they've kissed, they've moved in together, and they've had sex. Now, take the final step. You think they could be married? I do. With a multi-chapter story like Follow the Fool, you could do a multitude of things. Expand the universe beyond Adrian and Franziska, with all the people seeing these two grown women together. You would also prove (to me, anyway) that you love the characters enough to finish it, once and for all.

Now, there are two ways to take my advice. One way is to completely blow it off in a "thanks, but no thanks" sort of way. You could see all this as stupid ramblings, and how dare I criticize and see your flaws. Or, you could just take my advice to some heart, so that maybe, you can grow even further as a writer.

The choice is yours.

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Hmm....As much as I adore your writing and LOVED your other fics, I'd have to partially agree with Zetto-san. I wouldn't call it garbage, per se, like Zetto did, however my main problem with it is that when I was reading all your other fics, I didn't have to look at the username of the writer to be able to tell that it was YOU. I could just read a few sentences and say "Yep, this is CFTF" not just because of the pairing, but because your writing voice shone through in everything--in the exposition, in the dialogue, everything. In all of your other fics you have a wonderfully developed style that is not only enjoyable but consistent. However, if I hadn't read the username, and hadn't noticed the sig and avatar, I would not have been able to tell that you wrote it. I would have thought it was somebody else, because the writing in this was generic and robotic. As nice as it is to finally get some long-promised ladysmut from you, it's also a disappointment because I can tell you didn't spend as much time with this, and not just because of the length.

...And. Um. Sorry if that sounded rude. >>; I truly think you're a magnificent writer and that's why I'm cracking down on this particular piece the way I am.

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Zetto, to be totally honest...

...I'm not sure exactly what your problem is with the fic. I quite clearly get that you vehemently dislike it, but you don't exactly make it clear WHY.

For the record, this takes place before One of These Things Does Not Belong. It's not like I'm building in a culmination to MARRIAGE YAAY. As I'm sure Musouka and Raelle can tell you, this is simply a moment between the two--their first time, especially with Franziska being unsure and having to look to Adrian for guidance despite being the more "dominant" one--that I'd been wanting to capture for a very long time. And I don't feel that A: it needs to be part of a super large fic working up to the moment, and B: I'm not comfortable writing the actual sex, anyway. This was simply a little moment I wanted to write.

I don't understand the rest of your complaint, either, to be honest. With Follow the Fool, I was getting them into the relationship. The other fics I write? Are about how they interact with one another, how they grow with one another. Getting a pet, being with one another intimately for the first time, etc etc. I don't feel the need to concentrate on other characters (Especially when I've been pouring the vast majority of my creative energy into Gyakuten MECHA, which--incidentally enough--has me writing EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in the GS universe).

I do have... 4 more fics bouncing around in my memory. Two of them focus on the A/F couple, two of them are more general with the two being a couple in the background. Of those, one has them interacting with OCs, one has them interacting with the Fey girls, and the two general fics bring the entire cast into it.

Sorry, but I still don't get WHAT you disliked. SilverZephyr didn't like the writing, that makes a lot more sense to me and I understand that. You, though? I honestly can't tell.

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This was generic garbage, lesbians are becoming an old hat, and you are much better then this.

td:lr

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So basically, you don't like F/A but are too afraid to come out and say it? Too bad.

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Um...Zetto San, I'm pretty sure that "IT WAS BAD, IT HAD LESBIANS, AND YOU ARE GOOD" still isn't very...specific :/

@CFTF: Yeah, the part about Franzy normally being dominant but looking to Adrian for guidance was the part of this that I liked. I thought the concept was very nice, which is why I didn't like that it didn't have your normal style/quality in the writing, that's all.

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Hold it.

Where did I ever say I disapproved of the match up? I never did. Otherwise, I wouldn't have said I love his other work.

I was disappointed by the fact that someone with his skill could write something so... plain. Bad. Generic. There wasn't an ounce of his usual crafting, prose, anything.

Capture this pre-sex moment as much as much as you like. If you don't want to write the sex part, don't.

I am ultimately afraid that this piece could somehow effect his future writing. It has happened to me before. I would hate for that to happen to someone else.

But what do I know. Continue the ego stroke as much as you like. Just see me like a whiney meanie douche-bag like everyone else does anyway.

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Zetto San, SilverZephyr's criticism was fair. It's not criticism in itself that's the issue. The potshots and victim act, however, are getting very old, very fast.

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Zetto San, the point is all you've done is said that it's "generic garbage." Then you've said a bunch of random stuff about CFTF's future fics and weddings and I don't know, I can't even tell what your point is anymore by the end. First you say it's bad, then you don't say WHY it's bad, then when asked why it's bad you go on unrelated tangents. Please don't think I'm attacking you and I don't intend to be rude, but the point is that you gave criticism without being specific. CFTF gave you a fair request to clarify WHY you think it's bad, and then you didn't. I don't think any of us want conflict, so please just give a review that's constructive and say what you want.

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Fine. Give me some time.

I apologize for really all me misguided comments. It unfortunately happens if I get upset. I can't think straight.

It was stupid of me. I hope you can forgive me.

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Ah, you're forgiven, of course ^^

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Of course. Like I said, though, I really... would like clarification. I mean, most of my energy has gone into GyakuMECH right now, and I like to think that's up to my usual standard of writing (and involves the ENTIRE cast). This... well, it's a subject that is very awkward for me to write, so I can easily see how it'd be below what's par for me--just because I was uncomfortable writing it.

But I enjoy writing these two. I enjoy their dynamics as a couple, and the fics I'll eventually write have them in situations that explore different sides of their relationship. And I disagree that I need to bring in more of the cast (though I will merely incidentally)... Miles showing up in "One of These Things..." was just because I felt the moment he added was cute, but the STORY was about Franziska and Adrian.

Perhaps that's just a simple stylistic difference between us, then.

Anyway, I do appreciate your criticism--I'd just like to know exactly what it is.

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Maybe it's because you have your energy focused in other areas that this piece comes across as lacking to others?

After reading your stuff, you do have amazing talent. But if you're uncomfortable with the subject of sex itself and writing a lemon, then I can see why others would think that. I don't see a need to be harsh about it though. I know I hve hit this limitation several times so I'll only focus on one storyline at a time. (Nothing involving GS so far)

Was this rushed? It almost seems like you have the feeling that you were obligated to write this after writing up so much buildup in the relationship to that exact moment, one that you aren't comfortable writing.

I don't think it's garbage by any means, but just...generic. It didn't have the spark or appeal of the other A/F stories I've read by you or the other stuff as well.

Maybe a rewrite of this at a later date would help both the readers and yourself grow as a writer?

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Dunno what to say. It's smut. And that's fine with me.

I'll have to agree, it does lack something in the characterization department. It's hard to get individual personae and histories right without too much expository (and without too much gorram dialogue to get in the way of smexing). If this was not meant as a standalone, however, and connected to the other stories, then I suppose we can forgive it for being what it has to be: the controversial hot sex scene we paid ten bucks to see. (Not counting the popcorn and large soda)

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Well, maybe rushed (because I wanted to finish it relatively close to whenever Kamapon finished her drawing), yes... but really, this moment and the dynamic involved in it--Franziska fiery and 'dominant' but younger, inexeperienced and almost scared to be so exposed; Adrian more withdrawn and 'submissive' but more experienced and gentle--I've wanted to capture the moment for a while. And I'm certainly capable of multitasking with fics.

But I just feel awkward writing sex :P Especially with characters not my own.

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I have three things to say.
1:It was an OK story. While I prefer an actual storyline to a sex scene, it was OK.
2:I've been waiting for this. Only God knows how much I've needed to heal my mental scars from Croiks Nick/Edgey stuff. All due respect, Croik.
3:I just have to say this. I'm sorry, but, did Adrian break any plates this time?

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My previous comments were rude, misguided, and cloudy. I whole-heartedly apologize. I only ended up looking like a jackass. That said, I hope that my previous comments will not cloud judgment on these new ones. My mind has never been more clear on this matter.

I have read the story over four times by know, and I understand what was wrong with it. More specifically, three major flaws in the design of this very short and underdeveloped lemon.

The first problem arrives at the start of the piece. With little caution, we are thrust right into the bed of Adrian and Franziska. To me, that opening is extremely jarring and moreover, lazy. I don't understand why these women are in bed, ready to perform the horizontal cha-cha beyond the writer's wild imagination. This is an extremely annoying trait amongst erofanfic writers. Unless Adrian and Franziska are drunk and horny, I doubt most normal people have sex on a whim.

The next problem was stretched all across the main part of the entire piece, excluding the conclusion (more on that later). All I see is a basic description of two women disrobing. All fine and dandy, but I felt no motivation behind the characters actions. Without any meaningful back-and-forth talk, I could not understand why the two women would go for each article of clothing or body part. Mannerisms have an interesting way to telling more about a person then simple thoughts or speech. However, the two characters seem like autonomous sex machines until the closing lines. But, even then, there lies deep flaws.

The "conclusion" to this moment seemed to look up for a moment, but came crashing down fast. Instead of opting for in-character speech, naturally reacting to this exciting (and I imagine, awkward) situation, there seems to be only lines of cheesy, assuming dialogue that might be exchanged between two lovers. However, for some reason, it doesn't seem like such soft-core pornography lines are really spoken between two people actually having sex. It also appears that quasi seme/uke tendencies popped up here. That's fine, but the execution was lacking. Another issue within the conclusion was the simple fact that it's seems downright contradictory to the whole affair.

For example, at one point Franziska says, “But… I don’t know… I don’t know what to do,” However, not a few lines ago, you wrote that, wasn’t new to her… she’d done it before, and knew exactly what to do to make Adrian react. It implies they've had sex before, but the entire concept is that this is new to Franziska/Adrian. And another thing. Has Adrian had sex with another women before? Be cause the whole "I'll guide you" bit can only leave me to conclude that Adrian is either experienced at the notion of female sex, or simply watched a lot of pron (which we all know, is completely unrealistic.)

Now, for the real advice. Want to fix this fiction? Here are my suggestions.
1. Talk to lesbians: Real ones. I mean it. Go on 4chan's /u/ and ask. Trust me, the anonymous will be helpful, since a good part of /u/ is made up of lesbians with girlfriends who have had sex. Ask them about the awkwardness, the insecurities, the rush of emotions involved with the whole act. They'll tell you the tales you need to hear.
2. Take your time: You want to make this good? Dedicate some time to it. Think about the characters. Think about how they would naturally respond to the events around them. You are good at getting you readers into the heads of your subjects. Talk about how they would, say, decide on a night or something.
3. Make it romantic: I want to feel the love, not lust. That is what will propel this fiction to a much higher level.

The concept wasn't bad. Your execution was just horrible. Take your time, take this all back, and try again. There is no reason you can't make this outstanding.

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That sounds about spot-on.

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That's a much fairer assessment, and now I see your problems in specific (or I would if I had time to look it over more specifically, but I've got to rush to class... will read it more closely after class)

Just to address two of your points that jumped out at me--Franziska and Adrian HAVE done 'couple' things before, but there's a line between that and full intimacy. I don't think Franziska would be the type to go "right, sex now," and I don't think Adrian would pressure her into that--I see it as slow, gentle coaxing on Adrian's part to help Franziska become more and more comfortable with intimacy. Just because they've never done THIS doesn't mean they've never done anything, and Franziska -would- be a quick learner.

Also, I do think Adrian has probably had at least one intimate relationship before, and likely with a woman (if not, just with Juan). She, at the very least, would know what SHE liked and didn't like, and it's not "I'll show you how to be with a woman," it's "I'll show you how to be with me."

At least, in my mind.

those are just two of the points that I wanted to address, but from what I skimmed, the rest of your criticism is completely fair.

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Still, it would probably be a good idea to at least ask about the types of things that two women go through. Unless you really are a woman and has had sex with another one, I highly doubt either of us could realistically understand the nuances.

It would be a touch of realism that would be EXTREMELY appreciated.

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Well, I showed it to a lesbian friend across the hallway.

She was all "That's really hot."

She's not the best in terms of critique, it appears >.>

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Anyway, it's being almost totally rewritten, so yeah.

Well, I plan on keeping a lot of what I have, but changing some of it, adding stuff in between, and adding a WHOLE bunch before to set the scenario and set up what I'm going for. And probably adding more to the end, too, but not as much.

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I still think soft, slow, and loving fluffy stories like this one are worth more than all the hardcore crap that pollutes the internet.

CTFT, I think you did a fine job. I know how it is, I love to write too, and when an idea hits me, I sometimes don't to be bothered to map it all out into a multi-chapter story. This was short, sweet, and it was interesting to see Franny being nervous. Hehe!

Since I've read your other works, I know you're not just sending out yuri sex for kicks, so I don't have much to critizise. Only thing I'd say is that...

Ummm...


Do you copy and paste the word 'Franziska,' or have you spelt it so often that you know how to?

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The first draft of the rewrite has been completed. Beta-ing now.

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... Oh my. Smut.
I think you're beginning to reach a whole new level of fanboyism, Funk. ;)
Can't wait to see the rewrite- knowing you it'll be amazing awesomesauceness.

Well it won't be -utter shit-.

Like this was.

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Hmmm, I didn't think this version was utter shit. It's definitely better than I could write! I just don't think it was up to your usual standards, which are very high indeed. I'm looking forward to reading the re-write...

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