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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

Seems my efforts have not gone unnoticed. Dakoolguy himself has posted about this sporking demanding I stop. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response and I'll just keep going with the spork as planned.

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 3

Phoenix: Do we have to continue already? Can't we rest longer?

Speakers: Not while there's more bad fanfic for you to react to.

Edgeworth: Why'd you even ask, Wright?

Phoenix: They gave us recliners, snacks, they were apologetic. I guess I pushed my luck a little.

Apollo: Like you always do.

Trucy: Well at least I was proven innocent!

Edgeworth: While you watched your supposed cousin encourage a man to kill himself.

Trucy: Oh right.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 5: Manfred von Karma Escapes Heaven and Becomes a Robot

Phoenix: Um...what? Where the heck did this come from?

Edgeworth: It seems as if we've stepped into a completely different story. Though if it meant we didn't have to suffer through The Adventures of John Phoenix, I would happily take it.

Trucy: But the robot part sounds kinda cool.

Meanwhile, Manfred von Karma was in heaven. He was wearing a robe and wings and a halo. He was in heaven for the last 10 years, ever since he had died. Heaven was a cloud. Do you know what that means? It means the ground was a cloud.

Phoenix: Wait, they're implying that not only did Von Karma get into heaven, but he's an angel?

Apollo: I read about him in some of your old case files. Isn't he the guy who killed Mr. Edgeworth's father and planned a fifteen year long revenge scheme where he gets him convicted of murder?

Edgeworth: The same, unfortunately.

Phoenix: Oh great. I can't wait to see how the author handles HIM.

Von Karma moved the cloud ground. He did it with his hands. He looked and he saw John Phoenix winning in court. That made von Karma shake in anger. How could Phoenix Wright's apprentice be better than his apprentice AKA Miles Edgeworth AKA Franziska von Karma? They were mere fools when compared with John Phoenix. Von Karma could tell just by looking that John Phoenix he was the greatest attorney who ever lived.

Edgeworth: One farce of a trial allows you to determine whether someone was the greatest attorney who ever lived?

Phoenix: Also, I thought he only viewed attorneys as inferior or something like that.

Apollo: In that case, he'd get along great with John Phoenix with their superiority complexes.

That was when von Karma decided it was time to escape to heaven and get his revenge. He had been planning his escape for many years, but heaven was very comfortable, and he was an old man, and loathe to leave. But now, with the advent of John Phoenix in court, he had a new impetus to escape heaven: to become a robot and defeat Phoenix Wright's protegee in court! It would be the ultimate humiliation to the man who had destroyed everything he had ever worked for.

Trucy: Well the robot thing sounds cool but how would he escape heaven?

Phoenix: Maybe barrylawn or AceJakkid166 could create a fanfic about that. At least their stories are somewhat entertaining. This is just painful.

Edgeworth: You dare to suggest that those troll fics are entertaining, Wright?

Phoenix: More entertaining than this.

So, von Karma went to his house in heaven. His house was a cloud. His house was bigger than most other angels' houses because he was more important than them, because during 40 year-long career as a prosecutor he had thrown many evil people in jail. That's why he got into heaven. His sins were minor in comparison.

Edgeworth: Killing someone, forgery, potentially sending innocent people to their deaths, corruption, and assaulting others are minor?!

He sat in his chair, which was made out of clouds. He opened a drawer, which was also made of clouds, in his desk, which also made of clouds. He reached his hand into the drawer and pulled out a piece of paper. But actually it was a piece of cloud, because there were no paper or wood or textiles or anything like that in heaven. Only clouds.

Apollo: This just in: everything is made out of clouds in heaven according to this story.

Phoenix: In other news: water is wet.

Trucy: Really? I heard that was up for debate according to some people.

Edgeworth: Not the right time, Trucy.

Von Karma looked at the paper AKA cloud. He read the words on the paper AKA cloud. He nodded in approbation. This was a brilliantly constructed plan. Of course it was; it was written by none other than Manfred von Karma, who was perfect. Everything he did was perfect. Writing plans to escape heaven was no exception.

Edgeworth: Perfect except for his plans to frame me for murder, forge an autopsy report and train me in his image.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Von Karma scowled, peeved at being interrupted, and returned the paper AKA cloud to the drawer and slammed it shut. He went to the door to receive his unwanted visitor.

"Hello, Manfred," said Damon Gant, who was also in heaven. "I was just on my way to my daily baseball game, and I thought I'd stop by to see if you'd care to join us. All the boys will be playing. We even convinced Godot to come out of his house for once and play."

Phoenix: Gant and Von Karma? That's a match made in heaven. Literally.

Apollo: Isn't he the old chief of police?

Edgeworth: Yes. And imagining him working with Von Karma is...unrealistic, to say the least.

Phoenix: Also, wouldn't he be more interested in swimming than baseball?

Trucy: Well with how everything in heaven is made of clouds, wouldn't there be no way to swim?

Apollo: But clouds are made of water. They could probably find a way.

"Hmph! Fool!" said Manfred von Karma. He looked over his shoulders cagily. "I don't have time for such foolish pursuits for foolish fools! I am escaping heaven today!"

"Escape heaven?" asked Gant. "Now, why the heck would you want to do that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" replied Manfred. "To get my revenge on Phoenix Wright!"

Apollo: No, it wasn't obvious because Gant didn't know that you were hoping to get revenge on Mr. Wright until just then.

"Oh, in that case, count me in, old boy!" exclaimed Damon Gant. "I will also escape heaven."

"Good," said von Karma. He went and got the paper AKA cloud from the desk and handed it to Gant. "Familiarize yourself with this plan. It is the plan to escape heaven."

Gant read it. "Mmm hmm, yup, interesting... this is a brilliantly constructed plan, Manny."

"Von Karmas only deal in brilliantly constructed plans," replied von Karma. "What else would we deal in? Unbrillant plans?" He laughed at the absurdity of such an idea.

Trucy: I just realized. How could someone write on the cloud paper? Wouldn't the pencil just phase through the cloud?

Phoenix: Maybe the pencil was made of cloud?

Apollo: But how would it even contain the lead needed to write something down?

Phoenix: They used a pen? No, wait. That wouldn't work because the ink wouldn't stay on.

Edgeworth: I think there are more important things to focus on.

So, the two men snuck over to the gates leading out of heaven. They crouched behind a rock and waited. St. Peter was guarding the gate. Suddenly, his cellphone rang.

Apollo: Wait, cell phones exist in heaven?

Trucy: Why wouldn't they? Everyone has one these days.

Phoenix: (I really should get mine upgraded someday.)

"Hello? Is that so? I'm on my way." He closed his cellphone and ran off.

"All part of my plan," whispered Karma whilst smiling in an evil way.

"How did you pull that off, Manny?" asked Gant.

"Hmph easy," replied the greatest prosecutor to ever live. "I had Wendy Oldbag call him from a phonebooth and tell him that god wanted to see him right away. I bribed her into doing it with a promise of killing Miles Edgeworth so he'd go to heaven and she can marry him."

Edgeworth: NNGGGGGGHHOOOOOOOO!!! It's bad enough that you include me in this abomination of a story, but you have to include that woman in this too?!

Phoenix: Wouldn't Oldbag hate the idea of you getting killed in the first place?

"Ho ho ho!" Gant clapped. "What a brilliant plan! Now no one can stop us from escaping heaven!"

But just then, another angel came and stood in front of the gate. Manfred knitted his brow.

"I was afraid of this..." He took out a shiv. "It would seem that there is simply no other option." He flew at the newly arrived angel and stabbed him in the neck again and again until he was dead. Unfortunately for them, the murder was caught on the security cameras and the alarm system started blaring.

Apollo: Apparently you can kill angels in heaven.

Phoenix: Also, they let a murderer carry a knife in heaven.

Trucy: Shouldn't it be made out of clouds though?

"Curses!" cursed von Karma. "There's no time to lose!" He took out a bundle of keys.

"Where'd you get those?" asked Gant.

"I stole St. Peter's keys years ago and had copies made," Manfred replied. He quickly began unlocking the gates. Suddenly a police officer ran over.

"Stop in the name of the law!" the police officer screamed.

Phoenix: How exactly was he able to steal those keys and not get noticed for all those years.

Apollo: Apparently heaven's security is pretty lacking.

While Karma was unlocking the gate, Gant used the shiv to murder the police officer. Then he took the officer's service weapon. Finally, the gates to heaven swung open.

"Let's go!" said von Karma. The two men ran out and dived into a hole in the cloud, which was actually a portal to earth. Just then, St. Peter returned and saw the evilness that had taken place in his absence.

Trucy: That must be quite a fall if they're skydiving from that height.

Edgeworth: They didn't say they had parachutes either so realistically, as realistic as this story is at least, they should die...again.

Apollo: But that probably won't happen, will it?

Phoenix: At least you're not getting your hopes up unnecessarily.

"Good gracious!" exclaimed St. Peter. He ran out the gates and kneeled down and peered into the hole. He could see von Karma and Gant plummeting to earth.

"Come back, come back!" he cried.

But Karma only laughed evilly. "So long!" he said. And Damon Gant said farewell in a foreign language even though he isn't foreign.

Phoenix: I'm guessing it's too much to assume they'd explain why Gant said farewell in a different language?

Apollo: Look who's getting their hopes up unnecessarily.

St. Peter looked sadly down the hole. "You can never come back, you know," he said. "You're doomed to go to hell when you die."

Von Karma laughed. "Die? Me? I don't plan on that." He shook his finger at St. Peter. "Oh no no, I'm going to become a robot and live forever."

"Yeah," said Gant. "Me too."

Edgeworth: Quite the conversation they're having, considering they're talking while falling from the sky.

Phoenix: The thought of both Von Karma and Gant as robots is terrifying.

Trucy: I still think it sounds cool.

And then they fell through the ozone layer and fell some more and lost sight of heaven.

"Watch out for that plane, Manny old boy," warned Gant.

"Hmph, I'm not blind!" was the reply. Just then von Karma spotted a flock of geese. An evil smile spread across his face. "Finally," he said, "an opportunity to kill living creatures again." He took the gun from Gant and fired several shots and killed the same number of geese. No more; he had to save the rest of the bullets for emergencies.

Edgeworth: Okay, while Von Karma was an evil man, he wasn't a psychopath. He wouldn't just kill random geese for no reason.

Phoenix: You sure? His own daughter would whip people for no reason.

Apollo: Isn't she that blue haired lady who always says "fool?"

Phoenix: Yep. At least she isn't here for this.

"Nice aim," said Gant in admiration. Now they could see the city lights beneath them. They were almost back to earth! They landed in a supermarket parking lot. Just then, John Phoenix's mother who was also his Uncle Phoenix's sister Mary who was a secret sister he only learned about 2 months ago dropped the groceries she was carrying.

Apollo: One, they didn't have parachutes so...dead. Two, quite the coincidence that they just HAPPENED to land right next to John Phoenix's mother!

Trucy: Don't you know, Polly? It's the magic of plot contrivance!

"Are... are you angels?" she asked.

"Hmph," said von Karma. "No one may know I've escaped heaven." He took out the gun and shot her in the head. She fell onto the ground and died. Blood came out of her head. Von Karma laughed. Gant did not laugh. But he knew what von Karma did was for the greater good. So they ran away to the secret hideout.

John Phoenix's mother continued to be dead in the parking lot.

She was dead.

Edgeworth: I doubt that she knows who Manfred von Karma and Damon Gant are.

Trucy: Continuing to be dead? What happens when she stops being dead?

Phoenix: She comes back to life as a zombie?

Apollo: That would make this story even more stupid. Don't encourage it.

Phoenix: Is it just me or are these chapters feeling much longer?

Edgeworth: It's not just you, Wright. I feel it too.

Apollo: I think we all do.

Phoenix: And we still have another chapter to go. This'll be annoying.

Trucy: Hopefully we get robots to make things cooler.

Apollo: When did you suddenly get interested in robots?

Trucy: They have to be magic if they're housing two different dead people coming to life!

Apollo: I will never understand you, Trucy.

Chapter 6: John Phoenix Becomes Psychic and Experiences Loss

Phoenix: Because we needed to make this character even more of a Mary Sue.

The day following the night of his mother's murder (which he still didn't know about), John Phoenix was in the Wright Anything Agency showing off his nascent psychic powers to his uncle Phoenix Wright.

"Watch," said John Phoenix. He set a plastic water bottle on the coffee table. John Phoenix's uncle Phoenix Wright sat on his desk with his legs and arms crossed and watched skeptically. Surely his nephew couldn't have psychic powers?

Edgeworth: No. That would be impossible for anyone, let alone a made up character to have.

Trucy: I wish I had them though.

John Phoenix stood about 1 foot away for the water bottle. He moved his hands through the air toward the bottle very quickly and the bottle fell over, even though he didn't actually touch the bottle.

Phoenix Wright's jaw dropped and he uncrossed his legs. John Phoenix smiled. "See, Uncle Phoenix?" John Phoenix said. "I have developed psychic powers since my first trial. I can knock over bottles by moving my hands in the air, without touching the bottle, as long as I am standing close enough to the bottle. I believe my psychic powers will grow more powerful as I continue to practice knocking over bottles everyday."

Apollo: And this fic won't bother explaining how he got those psychic powers, will it?

Edgeworth: Like you expected anything different?

"Come now, John Phoenix!" replied his uncle Phoenix Wright. He was scared of his nephew's newfound psychic powers and wanted to explain them away. "Surely you don't have psychic powers. There must be some logical explanation for all of this." There wasn't. It was just psychic powers. Though perhaps one day psychic powers would be considered part of logic. John Phoenix smirked even greater.

Edgeworth: The day that psychic powers become a part of logic is the day I turn in my Prosecutor's Badge and join the circus.

Trucy: Ooh. That would be fun to see!

Edgeworth: Too bad that will never happen.

Phoenix: Well my magatama is kinda psychic...

Edgeworth: Don't start with me, Wright.

"If you don't believe me, examine the bottle," John Phoenix replied. "You will find that there is no trick. It is merely a plastic bottle, as found in many parts of the world."

Phoenix Wright stood up. Then he walked. Then he stood. He was standing in front of the coffee table on which the bottle had been knocked over. Phoenix Wright picked up the bottle. Why, it was just a bottle! There was no trick or hidden compartments. It was merely a bottle. So that confirms it, John Phoenix has psychic powers.

Apollo: One bottle falling over hardly confirms anything.

Trucy: But if he were to make his living as a magician...then that would confirm it! In fact, I could use a new assistant!

Phoenix: What happened to Athena?

Trucy: I'm getting tired of constantly chasing her around.

"John Phoenix, this bottle confirms it," said Phoenix Wright. "You have psychic powers. But the question is, why? And how?"

"I believe your badge not only gave me defense attorney powers," replied John Phoenix, "but that it also gave me psychic powers that I only unlocked yesterday after solving my first court case. It is a magic badge."

Phoenix: Ah, the return of the magic badge. Also return of the lack of explanation as to why this badge gives him powers but not me.

Edgeworth: What would you even do with psychic powers?

Phoenix: I don't know...clean the toilet without getting up?

Apollo: Real inventive use of psychic powers, Mr. Wright.

"That is where you are wrong, Uncle Phoenix Wright," replied John Phoenix. "You see, I believe that when I touched your badge on that day 2 months ago when I was first birthed that I was given magical powers. I needed to examine the badge to be sure, so last night I broke into your house while you were sleeping and snuck into your bedroom. I knew you wouldn't wake up because I had drugged you."

"What?" said Phoenix Wright.

Phoenix: Wait, what?! He outright admits to breaking and entering and drugging me?!

Apollo: That's hardly the worst thing he's done in this story.

Phoenix: Still! Also, I seem to be taking this real casually!

Edgeworth: You would take it much more casually if you had a thief break into your home every other day.

Phoenix: Kay giving you trouble?

Edgeworth: I've gotten used to it.

"It was the only way to be sure my work wouldn't be interrupted," continued John Phoenix. "Anyway, I took the badge from your nightstand and examined it. First I turned on the lamp. I looked at the back of the badge. I noticed that something on the back of the badge had been painted over. I scratched off the paint with a toothpick and revealed a name: Merlin."

"Merlin?" replied Phoenix Wright. "Who's that?"

Apollo: Merlin the wizard? He made the badge?

Phoenix: I'm honestly not sure which would be worse: a stupid explanation like this or no explanation at all. And it still doesn't explain why I don't have those same powers.

Trucy: Hey now! Magic is not a stupid reason!

Edgeworth: It is in this story.

Trucy: That's because the magic here isn't done right!

"The person who made your badge, I suspect," said John Phoenix. "And the reason why it is magic. Obviously, someone painted over the name so you wouldn't suspect the badge's hidden powers."

"But who hid the name?" asked Phoenix Wright. "And why?" But before John Phoenix could reply, Dick Gumshoe entered the room.

"Hey pal," said the detective. "Your mom was murdered last night." He handed John Phoenix a photograph of his dead mother.

Edgeworth: Gumshoe would be much more empathetic towards him for announcing news like that.

Phoenix: Also, when did Gumshoe meet John?

"That is my mother," said John Phoenix, looking over the photo. "Yes, I can confirm it's her. She is dead."

"Oh my god!" said Phoenix Wright, sad because his newly-found sister was dead. "What a tragedy! John Phoenix, I'm so sorry. Detective, do you have any idea who did this?"

Trucy: John seems to be taking the fact his mother's dead pretty well, all things considered.

Edgeworth: I think we've established that this character has little to no semblance of humanity. Encouraging others to kill themselves, psychic powers acquired through idiotic means, little to no empathy for others and thinking himself superior to everyone else.

Phoenix: Looking at it, I'm kinda taking it pretty well too.

"No pal," said detective. "All we know for certain is that she was shot in the head. Here's the bullet." He handed John Phoenix the bullet that had been retrieved from his mother's brain.

"Interesting," said John Phoenix. "So this is the bullet that killed my mother." He put the bullet in his pocket. "I'll hold onto this bullet for now, detective. It may prove useful."

Edgeworth: Um...Detective Gumshoe might not be the brightest out there but even he would know not to give someone valuable evidence in a murder case.

Phoenix: I'm guessing it's gonna have some sort of magic power.

Apollo: At this rate, that wouldn't surprise me.

Trucy: Maybe the author can get magic right in this story.

Apollo: Don't count on it, Trucy.

"Sure pal," said Gumshoe. He pointed at the coffee table. "Hey how come that bottle is knocked over?"

Phoenix: Why would he ask something that random?

Edgeworth: Actually, that wouldn't surprise me too much.

Phoenix Wright exploded. "Detective! My sister's dead!" he shouted. "You should be out there getting the bastard who did it! Don't you have any other clues?"

Edgeworth: Finally. The first realistic reaction this fanfiction has given us.

Apollo: Too little, too late.

"Well pal, we did find two footprints at the crime scene. But they were weird."

"Weird?" repeated John Phoenix sharply. His eyes grew cold and logical. "Elaborate."

"Well pal, both the footprints were from a right foot," said Gumshoe. "There are two different theories down at the precinct. Both have their supporters. The first theory is that the murderer stepped on the ground with the same foot twice. The other theory is that the murderer had two right feet."

Phoenix: How does someone have two right feet?

Trucy: A genetic condition?

Edgeworth: No genetic condition I've heard of gives a person two right feet.

"There is another possibility, detective," replied John Phoenix. "The feet could belong to two different people."

"Whoa pal," said Gumshoe. "I never even thought of that. That makes since."

Apollo: How exactly could he not think of that?

Edgeworth: It isn't out of the realm of possibility for someone like him.

Phoenix: Yeah. Fair point.

John Phoenix and Gumshoe talk about the possibility of an accomplice.

"Please for the love of god," said Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney, "find the person or people or whoever killed my sister. I only met her 2 months ago... it's... it's not fair!"

"Ok pal," said Gumshoe. "I'll let you know if anything turns up." He turned to leave but then remembered something. "Oh, one more thing, that bullet is also weird. It didn't come from any known gun on earth. It's a really weird bullet. Anyway bye." And he left.

Apollo: Oh, so it IS a magic bullet. Great.

Phoenix: It seems like everything this story proposes is explained by magic.

Trucy: Maybe the author is a magician.

Edgeworth: Except magicians usually handle themselves with more grace than this.

John Phoenix gripped the bullet in his fist as his uncle cried. His mother was killed... And this bullet found in her brain was the only clue. John Phoenix's face was grim. Because he had reason to be grim. Because he knew he couldn't rest until his mother's murderers were brought to justice!

Phoenix: That's still a laid back reaction for someone holding the object that killed his mother.

Edgeworth: Clearly the slightest hint of emotion indicates actual character, which the author desperately wants to avoid.

[The lights turn on again.]

Apollo: I feel like this fic took a new direction. And not one for the better.

Phoenix: Think this story will get better at all?

Edgeworth: Highly unlikely.

Trucy: If they use magic properly.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Man, I wonder how he even found it? Not to be rude but... who checks Court-Records forums nowadays aside from the five active users?

Edit: I saw their post about how their fic's forum is now the most active AA forum on the internet. Sad how that's true, haha (well, aside from Reddit if you count that).
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Well, time to keep going. Also, please don't look up this fanfiction for yourself. Just read this. It gives him less satisfaction of having people read his story.

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 4

Edgeworth: Well, we've added robots and psychic powers to this story. How much more shark jumping can this story give us?

Phoenix: Do you really want to know?

Edgeworth: No, but we'll probably find out either way.

Apollo: At least cynicism is helping us get through this. Barely.

Trucy: I don't know. I find this so stupid it's entertaining.

Phoenix: Well that makes one of you, Trucy.

Speakers: And it makes about half of the present day Ace Attorney fanfiction archive too.

Phoenix: Wait, what?

Speakers: Yep. Remember how we said this story was influential? Well, a good portion of the Ace Attorney stories on include John Phoenix. Those stories are arguably worse than this one.

Apollo: Please tell us we don't have to read those.

Speakers: Don't worry. You won't...yet.

Edgeworth: Let's just proceed with THIS terrible story.

Speakers: You said it, not us.

[The lights dim.]

A/N Hey guys, sorry for not updating The Adventures of John Phoenix lately. I've been busy, also I had to take a break to rest after my battle with r/AceAttorney and a certain troll who shall not be named (won't give him the satisfaction). Anyway, enjoy!

Phoenix: This guy finds the time to get into flame wars with others?

Speakers: You should see what he's saying about this sporking.

Apollo: I'd tell this guy to get a life but then I'd also have to tell the guy writing this spork to get a life too.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Apollo Justice that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

Chapter 7: Arrival at the Secret Hideout

Meanwhile, as John Phoenix was learning about his mother's death, the evil angel Manfred von Karma and his evil friend Damon Gant who was also an angel were hiding out in Manfred von Karma's hideout. The secret hideout was hidden in the courthouse. Von Karma and his evil friend Damon Gant (although it is unclear at this point whether von Karma views Damon Gant as a friend, or as just another pawn in his twisted game) entered the secret hideout by entering the courtroom inside the courthouse and pressing the special hidden concealed button on the judge's big chair.

Edgeworth: Why would Von Karma keep a secret hideout in the courthouse? It isn't exactly the most secure place to hide.

Trucy: Maybe he had nowhere else to go?

Apollo: Better question: when was a hideout even built in the courthouse in the first place? And how come nobody discovered it before?

Phoenix: I can just imagine the judge sitting down, finding the button and stumbling across this lair.

Trucy: Unless the judge was the one who made the lair in the first place, making him a supervillain!

Phoenix: That just sounds terrifying.

There was a sound effect as the judge's big chair slid to the side and revealed the secret entrance to the hidden hideout. Von Karma and Damon Gant entered the secret entrance and entered the hideout. Then, after they had entered the secret hideout, von Karma pressed another button and the chair slid back into place and covered the hidden entrance to the secret hideout.

Damon Gant was in awe of his compatriot's secret hideout. The secret hideout was high-tech and was filled with high-tech computers and lightbulbs. But the walls were made of dirt. Because it was underground.

Apollo: They put in all the high-tech equipment but couldn't bother to put in different walls?

Trucy: Maybe it was to make the situation more realistic.

Edgeworth: What on earth is realistic about a hidden lair in the courtroom, run by two people who escaped from heaven?

"Manfred old boy, when did you have this made?" asked Gant, in awe of his compatriot's secret hideout.

"Hmph, while I was being executed," replied legendary prosecutor Manfred von Karma. "As I was being strapped to the chair, I mouthed instructions to my daughter to have this secret hideout constructed. She read my lips and followed my instructions to the letter."

Edgeworth: Like before, I'm not sure what would be worse: this idiotic explanation, or no explanation at all.

Phoenix: Franziska may be...ambitious...but she wouldn't stoop THIS low!

"You mean to tell me that even before you died, you were planning on escaping from heaven?"

Von Karma laughed smartly, but also evilly. "I merely recognized the FACT that if I were ever to come back to life someday, no matter how improbable that may be, that it would be prudent to have a secret hideout prepared and waiting for me."

Apollo: How exactly does one laugh "smartly?"

Trucy: He laughed like he had an idea but then changed it to an evil laugh?

Phoenix: What exactly would that sound like?

Trucy: I'd demonstrate, but I don't think text commentary would illustrate it clearly.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Trucy Wright that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited.

"Good job," said Damon Gant, and he was right. "You're smart."

"I know," said von Karma, and he was also right. But he was also evil. Von Karma turned and saw his reflection in one of the many high-tech computer monitors that adorned the walls. He ran a hand down his wrinkled skin. He frowned. "The anti-aging powers of heaven have left us, Gant. It is imperative that we become robots as soon as possible."

Edgeworth: Okay, I could buy heaven having anti-aging properties but how exactly is being on earth causing him to age rapidly?

Apollo: Maybe Von Karma has the same aging condition that John Phoenix has.

"I agree," replied Gant. "But how does one go about becoming a robot, Manny?"

Von Karma sat down in a chair in front of a control panel. "The first step is enlisting the aid of some minions," said von Karma. He pulled some levers and turned a dial and the monitors flickered to life. "As both dead people and angels, we can't move freely about the city. We can't risk Phoenix Wright or worse, John Phoenix, learning that we have returned to the world of the living. Also, if the police catch we will be executed again."

Phoenix: Except killing Mary earlier kinda gave you a trail that could be traced back to you, angel or not.

Trucy: Also, they could just buy disguises or something! It'd be much more creative.

"So who do we get to help us?"

"My daughter, for one," replied von Karma. "She will gladly help us in our plans to get our revenge on Phoenix Wright. There's someone else who can help us as well, my son."

"Son?" Gant was taken aback. "I never knew you had a son."

Edgeworth: One, Franziska would never help him now. She's outgrown her father at this point. Two, if they're referring to Von Karma's other biological child here, why would they help him too?

Phoenix: I didn't know Von Karma had two children.

Edgeworth: Remember when he mentioned that he had a granddaughter in my trial?

Phoenix: Oh right...but who would this child be?

Karma closed his eyes. "He was the shame of my perfect life. He was... illegitimate. A bastard. I threw him into the woods in the hope he would be eaten by wild animals, or die from exposure, but he was found by a friendly park ranger who brought him up as his own and he survived."

Trucy: He'd throw out his own child?! That's just cruel!

Edgeworth: Actually, I could see Von Karma doing something like that.

"But... Who is this son, Manfred?"

Manfred von Karma entered a secret code into the control panel and the monitors filled with hundreds of different pictures of his illegitimate son.

It was... no, it can't be...

"Karl von Karma..." said Manfred softly. "But he knows of himself only as 'Larry Butz'. Bah! What a disgusting name. But once he learns the truth behind his past he will surely join in our evil plans and help us get our revenge."

Phoenix and Edgeworth: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Edgeworth: NO! This is by far the most idiotic idea introduced in this story!

Apollo: Are you sure? I thought the psychic powers were pretty stupid.

Phoenix: You don't understand, Apollo. The idea that Larry is Von Karma's son is the worst idea ever conceived!

Edgeworth: And even if we overlook the sheer stupidity that is this idea, Larry may be an idiot, but he's not evil and he'd never go along with Manfred von Karma, especially if he really did throw him out when he was an infant!

Phoenix: I never thought a story could make Larry look worse than he already was. And yet here we are.

"Are you sure?" asked Damon Gant. "Maybe he won't want to."

"Fool! He will do what I say. I'll see to that. I have a plan." And he took out his evil angel gun and grinned evilly. There was a secret behind that gun. One that will be reavaled in the coming chapters. Just then there was a sound effect and the secret entrance to the secret hideout opened. Moments later, a shadowly entered the secret hideout.

Trucy: Evil angel gun? What kind of gun is that?

Apollo: And why not tell us the secret now?

Edgeworth: Because the author clearly enjoys trolling the audience.

Phoenix: Also, "shadowly?"

"Welcome back... fahter..." said Franziska von Karma. She laughed evilly and took out a photograph of Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth and whipped it in half.

To be continued...

Edgeworth: Well, we've destroyed Larry's character. Why not continue the destruction of characterization and put Franziska in this.

Phoenix: Also, think about it. If we're to believe this story, then Larry and Franziska are half siblings. This would make it so Larry was constantly hitting on his half sister all this time.

Apollo: That's just disgusting!

Trucy: And sad! Imagine if you knew someone really well and they turned out to be related to you! It'd be kinda awkward, wouldn't it?

Phoenix: Yeah...that would be...real awkward.

Trucy: Well, that chapter wasn't that long compared to some other chapters.

Edgeworth: But it still felt just as painful.

Phoenix: Definitely.

Apollo: I can't say I know any of the characters shown but I can tell that they're nothing like what they're shown in this story.

Edgeworth: Let's just keep going. We're already this far in the story. We might as well finish.

Chapter 8: John Phoenix Solves the Mystery

Phoenix: Oh good, that means this story's almost over, right?

Apollo: The Management said there was at least twenty-one chapters, remember?

Phoenix: Thanks for bursting my bubble, Apollo.

Apollo: (Hey! Blame the Management! And the author.)

Meanwhile, while von Karma and Damon Gant were arriving at and being in the hideout while, meanwhile, John Phoenix was learning of his mother's death, John Phoenix meanwhile stood in place for a few seconds and solved the mystery. A few seconds was all he needed.

Edgeworth: And how exactly does one person solve a murder with minimal evidence in a few seconds?

Trucy: Maybe it's more of that magic badge stuff.

"Come, Uncle Phoenix Wright," he said, placing a hand on his grieving uncle's crying shoulder. "You must not cry. I have solved the mystery."

"What?" said John Phoenix's Uncle Phoenix, lifting his face from his hands. "But John Phoenix, how is that possible? You haven't received any additional information since Gumshoe left a few seconds ago."

"I only need a few seconds to solve a mystery," replied John Phoenix coldy, with a hint of logic in his voice. "A few seconds is more than enough time to me."

Phoenix: Of course. Why not? It's only going to get more stupid from here. Just keep going!

"Well, spit it out! Who killed her?"

John Phoenix laughed. "Not yet. First, we must go to Kurain village."

Apollo: I have a hard time believing this character can laugh. That would imply he has an actual character.

Trucy: The author figured they should give him a character after not giving one immediately?

Edgeworth: If they did, it's too little, too late.

"Huh?" said Phoenix Wright, at a complete loss for words other than "huh?".

Later, John Phoenix and Phoenix Wright were on a train heading towards the village. They were in a private compartment because John Phoenix was rather famous since solving his first trial.

Phoenix: How does one become that famous after one case?

Apollo: I don't know. I got plenty of attention after I helped convict Mr. Gavin in my first trial.

Phoenix: Enough to warrant a private compartment on a train?

Apollo: I wish.

"Wait a minute, I forgot about Trucy!" exclaimed Phoenix Wright, because he had forgotten about Trucy because he was sad because of the murder. "What if the murderer targets her next?"

"Don't worry," replied his nephew John Phoenix. "I used my psychic powers to call the police at her school and told them to guard her from any murderers."

Edgeworth: And now the psychic powers extend even further and allows him to call police.

Trucy: Wouldn't the police have told me that my aunt was killed?

Phoenix: That would imply the police force here was competent enough to do so.

"Oh, good thinking John Phoenix," replied Phoenix Wright. Then his eyes widened. "Wait! You have telepathic powers too?!"

"Of course," was the reply. "You didn't seriously believe that knocking over bottles was the extent of my powers, did you?"

"Well, you didn't mention it..."

"That's because you were so shocked by my rather, ha, quaint ability to knock over plastic bottles that I thought mentioning my telepathy would shatter your fragile mind."

Trucy: Boy, John doesn't really have a high opinion of you, does he, Daddy?

Phoenix: I'm used to having my intelligence insulted by now. Nothing new for me.

Phoenix Wright sighed. "You're probably right," he said. "I don't seem to know anything. Like why we're going to Kurain. And why you think you've solved the mystery."

John Phoenix took pity on his uncle, and then took out the bullet that had been inside Mary's brain. "Uncle Phoenix, see this? It's unlike any other bullet on earth. No other bullet is like this."

"And that means...?"

"Isn't it obvious?" said John Phoenix. "The bullet must have come from somewhere else besides earth. Like perhaps... heaven or hell?"

Apollo: Even if he were able to come to that conclusion so easily, why would heaven or hell be the first two things he comes up with?

Trucy: Where else would the bullet come from? Space?

Apollo: It'd be a conclusion I would reach faster than heaven or hell!

"That seems kind of farfetched, John Phoenix," replied Phoenix Wright skeptically. "You think the murderer was from hell?"

"Or heaven," amended John Phoenix. "Personally, I think heaven is more likely. Consider the footprints. There were only two, likely from two different people. If the murderer and his accomplice were ANGELS, then they would be wearing robes, and the robes dragging on the ground as they walked would erase most of the footprints."

Edgeworth: Even if that were true, why wouldn't it erase all the footprints?

Phoenix: I'm still reeling over the mental of image of Von Karma and Gant dressed like angels. It's...not pretty.

Phoenix Wright didn't know what to think. "Honestly, John Phoenix, I don't know what to think."

Apollo: Redundant much redundant?

John Phoenix shrugged. "Oh well," he said. "No matter. Once we get to Kurain village, I shall have a spirit medium channel my dead mother. She'll be able to tell us if anyone has escaped from heaven recently."

Ah, so that was John Phoenix's plan! It was a smart plan indeed.

Edgeworth: *rolls eyes*

Trucy: Why haven't they tried that before?

Phoenix: It's complicated, Trucy.

A few hours later, they arrived in Kurain. They went to Maya Fey's house and knocked on the door.

"Hello," said Maya Fey. "What."

Phoenix: Maya doesn't seem that excited to see me.

Edgeworth: True. Shouldn't she be more ecstatic or be begging you for money to buy burgers?

Phoenix: Don't remind me. My wallet is still recovering after last time.

"Channel my dead mother," said John Phoenix. "Now please."

"Nick?" asked Maya.

"Do what he says, Maya," said Phoenix.

"Okay, Nick," said Maya.

"Good," said John Phoenix.

"Yeah, okay," said Phoenix Wright.

"But why though?" asked Maya Fey.


"My mother was murdered," explained John Phoenix. "You must channel her so I can find out who escaped heaven and killed her."

"Whoa that's heavy," she said. "But okay." And she was about to channel the dead mother, but suddenly a hitman ran over and began kidnapping Maya.

Phoenix: Whoa! Where did that come from?!

Trucy: Also, wouldn't they go to a secluded place to do the channeling?

Phoenix: Not always. Maya sometimes channels people in broad daylight.

Edgeworth: *rolls eyes again*

"Oh my god" said Phoenix Wright.

"Help," said Maya.

"Cease your investigations, John Phoenix," said the the hitman AKA kidnapper. "Or else I will kill her after I kidnap her."

"Help," said Maya as the kidnapper pointed a knife at her.

Apollo: You know, for being kidnapped, Maya doesn't seem to be showing all that much emotion.

Phoenix: Well, she's been accused of murder thrice, been kidnapped twice and almost killed twice probably isn't anything new for her.

Trucy: That's just sad.

"Just let her go!" said Phoenix.

"No," said the hitman/kidnapper. "If you cease investigations I might return her at some later time. Maybe."

John Phoenix tilted his head forward and glowered at the evil person. "Maybe isn't good enough," he said. He took out the bullet that killed his mom and use his psychic powers to throw it into bad guy's brain and killed him. Then he used his psychic powers to make the bullet come out of the brain and go back into his pocket.

Apollo: Sure, why not at this point?

Edgeworth: This is just...I don't even know what anymore.

Phoenix: Try and keep your sanity, you two. It's the only way we'll get through this.

Anyway the kidnapped died and Maya was freed.

"Maya! Are you okay?" asked Phoenix Wright.

"Yeah," she said shakily, a little shaken up. "But who was that guy?"

"A hired kidnapper," replied John Phoenix. "Somebody obviously doesn't want me investigating this crime... somebody..."

And they all pondered just who this "somebody" could be.

Could it be...

The murderer?

To be continued...

Edgeworth: Who else would it be other than the murderer?

Trucy: Some completely unrelated supervillain bent on taking over the world?

Apollo: No, that would make this story stupid but interesting. This is just stupid.

[The lights turn on again.]

Edgeworth: After that travesty, I need much more time to recover.

Phoenix: Agreed. Nothing will top Larry being Von Karma's child.

Apollo: Knowing this story, I'm pretty sure it'll be topped eventually.

Phoenix: Apollo, please let me carry some semblance of hope within me. It's all I have left at this point.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

Now, it seems dakoolguy actually likes the fact that I'm doing this sporking so...thanks? I think? Pretty sure he's still a troll but it's nice to be appreciated for pointing out the flaws and ridiculousness of his fanfic.

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 5

Phoenix: Is it just me or does it seem like we're getting this sporking done quicker than normal?

Speakers: That's because we just wanna get this crap over with as fast as possible so we can get it out of our heads and stop giving this troll more attention than he already gets.

Edgeworth: And yet you're giving this troll attention by having us read his story.

Speakers: Nobody reads these forums anymore so it won't make a huge difference.

Trucy: What?! That sucks! People need to read our insightful commentary!

Apollo: Let's just get this over with. We're not getting any younger and this story isn't getting any better.

[The lights dim again.]

A/N To the people who say my writing is "bad"... I'd like to see you do better. If my writing is so "bad", then how come my story has over 300 views and 11 reviews a fav and a follow? Seems to me that people like my story. *shrugs* The Adventures of John Phoenix is probably the most popular Ace Attorney fan fic on fanfiction dot net at the moment.

Apollo: *sarcastically* Wooow. Your story has over THREE HUNDRED VIEWS! Not like hundreds of other stories out there have literally tens of thousands of views out there. OH WAIT!!

Edgeworth: The sad thing is, that last part is probably true. At least, for now.

Phoenix: Let's hope that changes soon.

Also, you know what? At least I'm making a sincere attempt at writing a story, and not just posting crappy troll stories with bad grammar and spelling and lots of OOC-ness.

Phoenix: You're right. Just posting crappy stories with mostly okay grammar and spelling and lots and lots of OOC-ness.

Trucy: And robots. And magic.

Phoenix: That too.

Keep hating, haters, because that's all you CAN do. Meanwhile I'll keep updating this story every single day so that it's permanently at the top. It's what Phoenix Wright would do.

Phoenix: Except that's NOT what I'd do. I wouldn't bother writing something this stupid in the first place. And if I DID end up writing something, it wouldn't be this stupid!

Edgeworth: Also, for the record, this author didn't update this story every single day so that just makes them a liar.

Chapter 9: Godot's Mission

Phoenix: *buries his face in his hands* Great. Now we're dragging HIM into this mess.

Edgeowrth: I wonder how they'll insult his character.

In the last chapter, John Phoenix used his nascent psychic powers to kill a hitman. Now he put the hitman's body in a garbage bag.

"How appropriate," remarked John Phoenix coldy. "Murderers are trash AKA garbage, so it is only fitting that I put his dead body in a garbage bag."

Apollo: Gee. Thanks for spelling out the symbolism there. I clearly couldn't tell what you meant.

Trucy: But I really couldn't tell.

Phoenix: You need to pay more attention in English class.

Trucy: But it's boring!

Edgeworth: It's still valuable education.

John Phoenix's uncle Phoenix Wright said some words. "John Phoenix," said Uncle Wright, "shouldn't we leave the body alone and wait for the police."

"The police will not be coming," replied John Phoenix. "Seconds after killing the hitman, I used my telepathic powers to contact the chief of police, whom I am good friends with solely from physic communications, and told him that I killed the hitman. He said that's it okay I killed him. He said I'm allowed to do that. He asked if I wanted the police to come and investigate. I said no. That would be pointless. I can investigate fine on my own. He said okay. And thus we are here."

Edgeworth: How does someone become friends with the Chief of Police so easily?! And obtain special permission to investigate with no police involvement?!

Phoenix: Are you not going to bring up the psychic powers used?

Edgeworth: I'm not even going to acknowledge it. I refuse to dignify it any more than I have to.

"But maybe the police know who this guy is," said Phoenix Wright. "Maybe they could tell us something."

"Doubt it," replied John Phoenix. He was right.

Apollo: And why wouldn't they? Fingerprint and DNA testing is a thing!

Phoenix: Maybe he's a ghost too?

Trucy: Angel, Daddy! Get it right!

Maya was still a little shaken-up from being kidnapped. "What I want to know, is who is this bad guy? And why he wanted to kidnap me?"

"Because," began John Phoenix, "he was probably hired by the true murderers of my mother Mary. No doubt the murderers knew I would try to contact my dead mother via spirit channeling, so they tried to kidnap you to stop me from discovering the truth!" John Phoenix grew angry at people who hide the truth from him. How dare they? They would pay.

Edgeworth: Setting aside the ridiculousness of spirit channeling, there are other spirit mediums out there besides Maya.

Phoenix: Exactly! Pearls could do it just as well! Why didn't they go for her?

"Well, I don't like being roped into all this," said Maya, "but I guess I'll channel your mom now." And she tried, but nothing happen?

"Nothing happen" said John Phoenix. "What I want to know is, why?"

"Well," Maya frowned, "either someone else in channeling her, or she's not actually dead."

"Well-" began Phoenix.

"Be quiet, Uncle Phoenix," snapped John Phoenix. "You may not talk. Be quiet. Anyway, she's dead, the police confirm she's dead, the photograph confirms she's dead. So, logically, someone else must be channeling her."

Phoenix: I thought the story said John looked up to me? Why is he talking like that to me?

Trucy: I hate this guy! He may be my cousin and he may have saved me in the story but he's so rude!

Apollo: THAT'S why you don't like him? Not that he coerced another man into killing himself, his Mary Sueness, or the fact that he's extremely arrogant?

Trucy: Well, all those things too.

"So I guess I can't help you," said Maya.

"Wrong," said John Phoenix. "You can still channel someone in heaven and ask them if any angels escaped from heaven lately. I have a hunch that my mother was killed by angels escaped from heaven."

"Oh okay," said Maya. "I guess I'll channel my sister Mia." And she did that.

Phoenix: Why would Mia, of all people, know if anyone's escaped from heaven? Is it just a place where word spreads quickly? There must be billions of people already in heaven!

Trucy: She could be a big deal in heaven!

Edgeworth: Why would one attorney be considered influential in a place like heaven?

Phoenix: Hey! She was more than just an attorney!

Apollo: Focus on the story, Mr. Wright.

"Hello, Phoenix Wright," said Mia Fey AKA Maya Fey channeling her dead sister Mia Fey. "Oh, who's this?" She was surprised by the handsome man named John Phoenix, who looked a lot like Phoenix Wright except his hair and suit were slightly different.

Apollo: Is he really that handsome?

Phoenix: Well, anyone that carries my blood must automatically be handsome!

Trucy: Right as always, Daddy!

Edgeworth: (But you're adopted, Trucy...)

"He's my nephew," said Phoenix. "It's a long story. What we need to know, is if any angels escaped from heaven lately?"

"Yes," replied Mia darkly. "Manfred von Karma and Damon Gant escaped heaven yesterday. They killed two angels and stole an angel gun."

Trucy: What's an angel gun? Is it a gun that shoots bullets with wings?

Phoenix: Maybe it's a gun with holy power.

Apollo: A gun that has a halo above it?

Edgeworth: If this is your biggest question right now, you need to reevaluate your priorities.

Something happened in that moment. Phoenix Wright and John Phoenix both got really mad. Their clenched fists held at their sides shook in anger. Now they knew for sure how Mary had died... by a magic bullet fired from an otherworldly gun. And that the murderers were murderers from Phoenix's past who wanted revenge on him!

"Manfred has returned," said Phoenix. "Quick, we must-"

John Phoenix lifted a hand. "No need, Uncle Phoenix."


John Phoenix smirked. "I have already informed the police via telepathy. They will be on the look out for our fallen angels."

Phoenix: How exactly does the process of telepathy work for the police force? Does he just send one message to a police officer, they drop what they're doing and tell everyone else?

Edgeworth: If you're trying to come up with logical explanations for this, you're wasting your time.

Trucy: Aren't you the one always going on about logic, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Only if it's worth my time.

"I just can't believe this has happened," said Phoenix Wright. "How those two get into heaven in the first place? They should be in hell." He was right of course.

"All the other angels wondered that as well," said Mia. "Apparently it was because von Karma sent so many guilty criminals to the gallows. Same for Gant. But still..."

Edgeworth: But still the fact that Gant murdered two people, sought to ruin the life of a top official and Von Karma murdered a man, forged evidence and sent plenty of innocent people to death doesn't matter in the long run?

Apollo: Apparently. Next, they'll be telling me Mr. Gavin, despite killing two people and forging evidence, becomes an angel all because he probably got innocent people declared not guilty.

But just as they were about to continue talking, another hitman came and started kidnapping Maya again except this time it was Mia.

"Help," said Mia.

"It seems I'm too late to stop you from learning the truth," said the hitman. "All that's left, is to commit murder." He took out his knife.

"That's what you think," said John Phoenix. He took out the bullet that killed his mom and use his psychic powers to throw it into bad guy's brain and killed him. Then he used his psychic powers to make the bullet come out of the brain and go back into his pocket.

Apollo: Did...they just do the exact same scene in the last chapter here?

Phoenix: I believe they did.

Apollo: What...what was the point of that?

Trucy: Padding, of course!

Edgeworth: This conversation implies that this story has a point.

Anyway the kidnapped died and Mia was freed.

"Mia! Are you okay?" asked Phoenix Wright.

"Yeah," she said shakily. "Thanks, John Phoenix."

"No problem," said John Phoenix. "I think I'm starting to like killing criminals. Anyway, now that we know who the murderers are, we must hunt them down like the dogs they are and give them the death penalty."

Phoenix: So now John Phoenix is turning into a vigilante?

Apollo: And since he's starting to like killing criminals, he's turning into a psychopath.

Edgeworth: Just what this story needed!

Meanwhile in heaven, Godot was in god's castle where god and the angel council were convening.

Phoenix: Why would Godot be a part of this? Is HE a really important angel or something?

Edgeworth: He'd probably think of himself as one.

Apollo: Also, shouldn't "God" be capitalized?

Edgeworth: Something tells me this author cares about grammar as much as he cares about getting characterization right.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Godot?" asked god.

"Yes," said Godot. "I will hunt down these escaped angels and return them to heaven where they belong. Of course, I expect to see them hanged once I drag their sorry asses back up here."

"It'll be dangerous," warned St. Peter. "That gun..."

"Shut up," said Godot. "You think I don't know how dangerous that gun is? Anyone who is shot by that gun... gets their sole trapped in the bullet that killed tham. Forever."

Trucy: They get their foot trapped in the bullet?! That's horrible!

Edgeworth: I think the author meant to say their "soul." As in their spirit.

Trucy: That's even worse!

Apollo: So wait. If Mary was killed by that gun, does that mean her soul is trapped in the bullet John is carrying?

Phoenix: It looks like it. What number stupid plot point is this? Nine? Ten? I've lost count.

Edgeworth: Does it matter?

"And, knowing the risks, you'll still go?" asked god.

Godot grinned. "Of course. You and St. Peter are too important. We can't risk either of your souls getting trapped in bullets forever."

"Very well," god nodded. He handed Godot two sets of handcuffs. "These handcuffs are magic. If you can put these on your targets, they will be transported back to heaven. Good luck."

Phoenix: Well, if they have bullets that trap people's souls, I guess it isn't much of a stretch to assume they have handcuffs that instantly transport someone to heaven.

Edgeworth: Does that make it better?

Phoenix: Not even close.

Godot turned away. "Luck? That's the one thing I've never had... but the only thing I've ever been able to rely on." He flapped his wings and flew out the window and went to the pearly gates and the portal to earth. He was the only angel brave enough to put a stop to the evil Manfred von Karma and the evil Damon Gant. But the question was, would he succeed. Or not?

To be continued...

Apollo: Okay, no disrespect to him or anything but...why Godot? Why not Miss Fey or anyone else?

Phoenix: I'm guessing the story will give us some stupid reason why it could only be him later on.

Trucy: Or, maybe he just wanted to become a robot.

Edgeworth: Oh good. A sizable portion of that chapter felt like filler.

Apollo: Agreed. Cut half of that first part out and we wouldn't get anything we didn't already know. Is the author running out of ideas or something? Surely he has other stupid ideas to put into this story that degrades us even more!

Phoenix: Don't encourage him, Apollo. Nothing good can come of it.

Chapter 10: John Phoenix and His Uncle Fuse

Phoenix: in point.

Trucy: Fuse together? Sounds like some anime plot.

Apollo: Or maybe it's about his different uncle named "Fuse."

Edgeworth: Either way, I have no expectations whatsoever for this to be good.

On the train back from Kurian, John Phoenix sat in his seat in his private compartment. The apartment had a plaque on the door (on the outside of the door) and if you read the plaque there were words that made up a group of words that read "John Phoenix's Private Compartment (Phoenix Wright Also Allowed)". One of the many perks of being an up-and-coming defense attorney who solved his first case in 45 seconds was getting private compartments on trains.

Phoenix: Why would all trains have those kinds of compartments in them?

Apollo: Heck, why stop with the psychic powers there?! Why not just say he has teleportation powers and doesn't need trains?!

Edgeworth: Mr. Justice, don't encourage the author.

Trucy: I wonder if I'll get a private compartment for being an up and coming magician.

Apollo: Don't keep your hopes high, Trucy.

One thing you may not know about John Phoenix is that he can solve cases even when he's on the train. He just uses his psychic powers to communicate with the Judge. He cross-examines, presents evidence, and gets his Not Guilty verdicts remotely via telepathy. He doesn't even need to be in the courtroom. The Judge made a special exception for him, because John Phoenix is very special indeed. In the six hours he has been on the train, he solved a few additional cases whenever he got bored. The court was like a dollhouse to John Phoenix, and the people inside, mere action figures for him to play with. Sometimes he even implants subliminal messages in the Judge's mind to make him deliver a Not Guilty verdict right away, because sometimes it is so obvious that the defendant is innocent that a trial would be superfluous.

Edgeworth: Just...just no.

If his client is guilty? Then he merely successfully defends the client anyway, and after the trial he telepathically communicates with Shelly de Killer, with whom he is in league, and has him assassinate the man outside the district court. That way, he maintains his perfect win record and also kills the bad guy.

Phoenix: Wait what?! Why would my supposed nephew be in contact with that assassin?!

Edgeworth: Also, obsession with maintaining a perfect record? Are we sure that John isn't actually Von Karma's son? It would make much more sense than his son being Larry Butz.

Trucy: Actually...that would be an interesting twist.

Apollo: I doubt we'd get it.

His win record, by the way, currently stands at an impressive 12-0, and he's only been a defense attorney for less than 24 hours, which makes him very impressive indeed.

Edgeworth: And when exactly did he get his badge? Or a license to practice law? Or his law degree?

Phoenix: Clearly all you need these days is magic powers from someone else's badge.

Trucy: So I could be an attorney if I just touched your badge?

Apollo: No, because that stuff only happens in bad stories like this.

"What do we do now, John Phoenix?" asked his Uncle Phoenix Wright. "John Phoenix?"

John Phoenix was brooding. He was ignoring his Uncle Phoenix because he was brooding. And because, frankly, his uncle was exceedingly simple-minded and slow when compared to himself. True, to the average person Phoenix Wright might seem like a bright boy, but when compared to John Phoenix, Phoenix Wright could barely be classified as sentient.

Phoenix: Hey! I'm far from simple minded!

Edgeworth: Are you sure, Mr. I-Always-Believe-In-My-Client-And-Get-Them-Off-The-Hook-With-Bluffing?

Phoenix: up, Edgeworth.

"It is not hubris," thought John Phoenix internally, in the vaunted halls of his mind, "to think that I am superior to my uncle in every way. No. It is merely the truth. But am I disparaging my uncle, or putting him down? No. In his own way, he is a good defense attorney. And it was due to him apprenticing me, even if my apprenticeship lasted less than an hour, that I was able to become a defense attorney.

"Still," continued John Phoenix in his mind, while subconsciously representing a man in court, "I have so far surpassed him, that any additional help is unneeded. He should step back, be quiet, and let me, John Phoenix, solve the mystery. Perhaps, if I feel so inclined, I will even deign to tell him how I figured out the location of Manfred von Karma's secret hideout. Ha ha ha. Because, you see, I already know..."

Phoenix: Didn't the story say that he looks up to me? That doesn't sound like looking up to me.

Apollo: Also, he already figured out where the hideout is?

Trucy: Probably more of his psychic powers.

He didn't actually already know, and this thought was a mere bluff, but it served an important purpose, one that will be revealed in the chapters to come.

Edgeworth: Hm. You've taught your apprentice well, Wright.

Phoenix: Why would he feel the need to bluff in his own mind?! Even I don't do that!

Apollo: And again, not revealing anything about why that's important now? Okay. Tease the audience unnecessarily, why don't you.

Phoenix Wright got depressed that his nephew wouldn't talk to him, so he took out a Highlights for Children magazine from under the seat and began reading it. He didn't care for Highlights for Children, but it was the only publication that John Phoenix allowed on the train nowadays. John Phoenix liked the "Spot the Differences" pictures, and he also liked Goofus and Gallant, because he saw a lot of himself in Gallant. As for Goofus? He would fain send him to the hangman.

Phoenix: Highlights for Children? Why would he read something like that??

Trucy: Well remember, he's technically two months old so maybe he hasn't grown up enough to read something for older people?

Apollo: Makes sense since he seems to have the maturity of a two month old.

Meanwhile, on top of the train running parallel to John Phoenix's, a sniper was lying in wait to assassinate John Phoenix. But, on the orders of whom? Not von Karma's. Because von Karma wants to defeat him in court, as the ultimate revenge. Therefore, the assassin's client must be someone else...

"Assassinate John Phoenix at once," said a mysterious voice over the sniper's headset.

"Roger that," said the sniper.

Edgeworth: Wait what?! Where did this come from?!

Phoenix: Well given John's lack of likeability, it makes sense that people would want to kill him. The only question I have is, why is it suddenly being brought up now?

Apollo: More filler?

Trucy: Probably more filler.

"John Phoenix looks a lot like his uncle, so don't shoot the uncle by mistake, because it would be a mere waste of bullets." That logic... so cold and perfect. Could the client be...?

The sniper put on his special glasses. His glasses let him see how good of a lawyer someone was. They were also X-ray glasses as well. He used the glasses to look into John Phoenix's private compartment (he couldn't look through the windows without the X-ray glasses because the blinds were up) and he was able to see two people.

Edgeworth: Wouldn't it make more sense to have heat sensing glasses? Also, what kind of glasses allow people to see how good of a lawyer they are.

Phoenix: I wonder what the glasses show me as...

The glasses showed a number above the head of the person with the magazine: 604. That was how good of a lawyer that person was.

"604..." whispered the sniper. "I'm not a legal expert, but that seems like a high score to me. Could that man be John Phoenix?" Then he looked at the other person and was shocked.

1,222,555. That was how good a lawyer the other person, clearly John Phoenix, was.

Phoenix: Really? Only 604? I think I'd be much better than that!

Edgeworth: Indeed. You're at least 605.

Phoenix: Har har.

Trucy: Over a million points? How does someone get that high a power level??

Apollo: At least you didn't make an "over 9000" joke.

"Over a million points?" said the sniper. "Clearly, that must be John Phoenix!" He sighted his scope and aimed through the closed blinds at John Phoenix's head. He was almost sorry to have to assassinate such a brilliant young man, but his client was paying the big bucks, and he had a family to feed. So after a moment of hesitation, the sniper pulled the trigger.

Bang, went the gun. The bullet went through the air and through the window of the train.

Apollo: And John realized he wasn't invulnerable and died. The end.

Trucy: Wow, Polly. That's pretty dark.

Edgeworth: If it meant the end of this story, I'd gladly take it.

"What the heck," said Phoenix Wright, looking up from the magazine. Then he saw the bullet rapidly approaching. "No! John Phoenix, look out!"

Edgeworth: Oh look, Wright. Apparently your badge gave you powers after all. You seem to be able to react appropriately, and say all that before a bullet is able to hit someone.

Phoenix: Then why am I not happy?

But then something strange happened. The angel bullet that killed Mary Wright came out out of John Phoenix's pocket at slammed into the sniper's bullet, knocking it off course so that instead of going through John Phoenix's head it went through the compartment door and into the conductor's leg.

"Good work, John Phoenix," said Phoenix Wright.

But, for the first or perhaps second time in his life, John Phoenix was confused. "But Uncle Phoenix, that wasn't me... the bullet acted of its own accord!"

Apollo: Wait, John being confused about something? That's a new one.

Phoenix: Does this mean we have character?

Edgeworth: Again, too little, too late.

"What?" said Phoenix Wright, bending over to retrieve the bullet. "No physic powers? But how..."

Meanwhile, the sniper cursed. "Curses!" he cursed. "A wasted bullet! Oh well, I was warned about this youth's psychic powers." He prepared to fire again again.

"Wonder where that bullet came from," wondered Phoenix Wright. Then something happened. His badge began glowing.

"W-what?" Phoenix said, taken aback.

"Touch the badge, John Phoenix..." whispered the angel bullet in Phoenix's hand.

Trucy: Talking bullets? Can't say I've seen that one before.

Edgeworth: Given what we learned about the bullets earlier, I can only assume this is the spirit of Mary Wright hoping to guide the other two through this.

Apollo: Almost makes me wish I had a magical talking bullet to help guide me through this story.

John Phoenix, never one to hesitate in a moment of crisis, quickly leapt across the room and touched his uncle's badge. The second he touched the badge, John Phoenix and his Uncle Phoenix began to combine into one human being. That human being was named Phoenix Phoenix. Their fusion had two badges and two ties. The suit was half green, half blue, incorporating the signature colors of both attorneys.

The sniper's X-ray glasses showed how good of a lawyer Phoenix Phoenix was.


To be continued...

Phoenix: Phoenix Phoenix? What the heck kind of name is that?! Granted, I love how it sounds but this is just pushing it!

Apollo: Are we sure we haven't turned into an anime at this point??

Edgeworth: No, animes can occasionally be impressive. This is just dumb and idiotic.

Phoenix: And how would you know about animes, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: ...research.

[The lights turn on.]

Trucy: Well at least this isn't boring!

Apollo: I almost WISH it were boring.

Phoenix: Ten chapters down, who knows how many more to go.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Well, TBF your sporking is basically a long type of review that he doesn't get on itself. And you're not just telling him to bugger off the site either, you're putting effort into making this whole thing... I'd be kinda appreciative if I wrote a joke fic that got this much dedicated attention as well, haha.

Dakoolguy puts so much effort into writing the fic and updating his forums that I can't believe he's a troll sometimes. Though he'd have more spare time recently due to the lockdowns and all. He's started posting his works on AO3 so the Tumblr crowd is probably more aware of John Phoenix as well now. Luckily AO3 has better mods than
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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milaza wrote:
Well, TBF your sporking is basically a long type of review that he doesn't get on itself. And you're not just telling him to bugger off the site either, you're putting effort into making this whole thing... I'd be kinda appreciative if I wrote a joke fic that got this much dedicated attention as well, haha.

Dakoolguy puts so much effort into writing the fic and updating his forums that I can't believe he's a troll sometimes. Though he'd have more spare time recently due to the lockdowns and all. He's started posting his works on AO3 so the Tumblr crowd is probably more aware of John Phoenix as well now. Luckily AO3 has better mods than

I suppose that's true. In a way, the more I do this, the more I'm actually starting to develop a soft spot for it. It doesn't mean I really enjoy it and it doesn't excuse the terrible influence it brought to the community but still.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 6

Phoenix: Well, we've turned this story into an anime so how stupid can we get from here?

Edgeworth: If years of reading these stories has taught me anything, it's that it can always be more idiotic.

Apollo: I don't even want to think about how bad this can get.

Trucy: But we'll find out anyway, right?

Apollo: It's not like we have a choice.

[The lights dim once again.]

Chapter 11: Phoenix Phoenix Strikes Back

Phoenix Phoenix, the fused version of Uncle and Nephew, said Uncle and Nephew being none other than the legendary defense attorneys Phoenix Wright and John Phoenix, was standing in the train, where a bullet had nearly killed one-half of Phoenix Phoenix. But another bullet saved Phoenix Phoenix's lives. An aura surrounded Phoenix Phoenix.

Edgeworth: Wasting no time with the anime idiocy, I see.

Phoenix: Did we really need this recap?

Apollo: After everything that's happened, I could use a reminder that yes, this is really happening.

The aura was green. This represented John Phoenix. The aura was also blue. This represented Phoenix Wright. There were little pictures floating in the aura that emanated from Phoenix Phoenix's body and then dissipated in the air. The pictures were black and white and the pictures were of courthouses, court records, files, briefcases, gavels, and other legal things. These pictures represented being a lawyer.

Apollo: And we could also use the symbolism being spelled out to us even though the readers could easily pick up on it on their own.

Trucy: Don't you know, Polly? Fanfiction authors are like shepherds and the audience is the dumb, dumb sheep!

Speakers: The Management would like to request that Trucy Wright refrain from making needless JelloApocalypse references.

"What's going on here!" exclaimed Phoenix Phoenix, scared. "What happened to my body!"

"It would seem, Uncle Phoenix, that your badge fused us together," said Phoenix Phoenix calmly in reply to Phoenix Phoenix. Clearly, this Phoenix Phoenix was John Phoenix, and the other Phoenix Phoenix was Phoenix Wright, both inhabiting the same body. It would seem that Phoenix Phoenix could talk as both John Phoenix and Uncle Phoenix Wright.

Phoenix: Because that won't be confusing at all.

Edgeworth: Implying it wasn't confusing enough already.

"It would seem, Uncle, that was can talk to each other even though we are fused," expounded Phoenix Phoenix. He held out his right hand flexed his fingers. "Hmm, interesting, it would seem I can only control the right arm, you must control the left arm."

"B-but... this is insane!" shouted Phoenix Phoenix. "This is impossible!"

Phoenix Phoenix scoffed. "More impossible than my psychic powers? Or spirit channeling?"

"Well, when you put it that way..."

Apollo: It's still stupid, no matter how you phrase it.

Trucy: It'd make for a pretty interesting children's show though.

Apollo: As in, only children would be entertained by this.

Suddenly another bullet came through the window.

"Look out!" screamed John Phoenix's mother's bullet that killed her in the air. The other bullet that came from the assassin's gun came closer to Phoenix Phoenix. The Phoenix Phoenix that was actually Phoenix Wright screamed in fright but the Phoenix Phoenix that was John Phoenix merely lifted his hand and caught the bullet.

Phoenix: Wait, so now the bullet containing Mary can talk? Where did this come from?!

Apollo: If I had a dollar for every time some unexpected power comes right the heck out of nowhere with either no explanation or a stupid explanation, I wouldn't need to rely on what little you paid me.

Trucy: Though I'm getting inspiration for more tricks from this story, I won't lie.

Edgeworth: At least it's good for one of us.

Phoenix Phoenix was shocked. "John Phoenix!" said Phoenix Phoenix. "H-how did you catch that bullet?"

"Easy, I slowed it down psychically," said Phoenix Phoenix. "Also, the aura that surrounds us seems to slow down time. But enough talk. Come, let us kill the assassin."

Apollo: Why is the author even bothering to separate the dialogue between these two? Or at the very least, why bother calling them "Phoenix Phoenix?"

Phoenix: What would you call them instead?

Apollo: Phoenix Wright and the crap OC who thinks he's better than everyone.

Edgeworth: No objections from me.

"W..what?" gasped Phoenix Phoenix. "Assassin?" The Phoenix Wright half of Phoenix Phoenix truly was useless. But to be fair, that half of Phoenix Phoenix was in shock, and also sleep-deprived. Phoenix Phoenix tried to move but the Phoenix Phoenix that was John Phoenix could only control the right side of the body. Phoenix Phoenix was frustrated because he knew it would a challenge indeed to get the Phoenix Phoenix that was Uncle Phoenix to coordinate.

Trucy: The author must be trying to see how many times they can say the word "Phoenix" in one paragraph.

Phoenix: This is a game I didn't want to exist, yet here we are. Also, how can this story possibly degrade me more?

Edgeworth: Do you really want to know the answer to that?

Phoenix: No, but I'm probably gonna find out anyway.

"Mother?" asked Phoenix Phoenix of the angel bullet hovering in the air, because the John Phoenix half of Phoenix Phoenix had already deduced that it contained his mother's soul. "A little help?"

Phoenix Phoenix lifted his right leg and put his right foot on his mother's bullet. The bullet lifted off the ground and carried Phoenix Phoenix, who was balancing carefully on one leg, out through the window, shattering it as they went.

Edgeworth: And now, not only is the bullet strong enough to carry a human being, but said human being can now balance on that bullet. Because of course that can happen.

Phoenix: Didn't we establish that the bullet contained Mary's soul earlier?

Edgeworth: I suppose the author wished to express John's absolute perfection to the readers once again.

Apollo: Like we didn't already figure out he was a Mary Sue.

"My god," said the assassin in primal terror as he saw Phoenix Phoenix approaching on the bullet. Urine trickled down his leg. Phoenix Phoenix's hair was half-spikey, half-normal, and the spikes were whipping around in the wind. Also, the hair had an aura of its own. The assassin fired many bullets at Phoenix Phoenix but the aura slowed the bullets down and made them fall to the ground. Phoenix Phoenix grabbed the assassin by the head with the right hand of Phoenix Phoenix and then Phoenix Phoenix threw the assassin onto the train tracks and the train ran over the man, killing him instantly.

"Good rubbish to bad trash," said Phoenix Phoenix. Phoenix Phoenix rode his mother back to John Phoenix's private compartment on the train.

Trucy: Ooh! Neat action scene!

Apollo: If you call "neat" illogical, idiotic and all around unnecessary, then yes. I agree.

Edgeworth: "'Good rubbish to bad trash?'" What does that even mean?

Phoenix: Maybe they meant to say "Good riddance to bad trash?"

Edgeworth: Even then, that's a horrible catchphrase.

"Good work, John Phoenix and my brother Phoenix Wright," said the bullet, no longer under a foot.

"What!" said Phoenix Phoenix, clearly Uncle Phoenix, judging by his excitability and lack of logic. "You're my sister!" But then suddenly there was a flash of green/blue light and Phoenix Phoenix split back into the components of Phoenix Phoenix: John Phoenix and his uncle Phoenix Wright.

Apollo: Oh good. Things are slightly less confusing now.

Edgeworth: I wonder how many times this merge will happen.

Phoenix: If we ever see it again, it would be too soon.

Then Godot flew in through the window.

"Hello. My name is Godot."

To be continued...

Phoenix: Ah, I was wondering when he'd show up in this.

Apollo: So...he can fly?

Trucy: Well he's an angel, remember?

Edgeworth: Though that begs the question: Von Karma and Gant are said to be angels too. If that's the case, why didn't they just get around by flying? Why did they even leave those footprints a few chapters ago?! Why did they fall down to earth as opposed to fly down to earth?! WHY IS THIS STORY TERRIBLE AT LOGIC?!?!

Phoenix: Edgeworth! Calm down!

Edgeworth: *breathes deeply* Apologies. I had to get that off my chest.

Trucy: I hope we see more action scenes in this fic. At least they're entertaining.

Apollo: Speak for yourself, Trucy.

Phoenix: I wonder how they'll ruin Godot in this?

Edgeworth: At least I'm not in this story...yet.

Phoenix: You think they'll get around to you?

Edgeworth: I don't have high hopes.

A/N This story is currently sitting pretty at 752 views. Wow. I'm honored. Thank you, John Phoenix fans. I'm glad you love my story. Oh and by the way in chapter 13 John Phoenix will go back to court for his second trial EVER (not counting the trials in which he was a vague psychic presence only). Stay turned because it will be awesome! I'll probably upload it later today.

Edgeworth: Because those "trials" in which he was a "psychic presence" don't count and they should all be declared mistrials.

Phoenix: People actually love this story? That's news to me.

Speakers: Either that, or it's the same guy making multiple accounts and posting these troll stories.

Apollo: If that's the case, then the author has WAY too much time on their hands.

Chapter 12: John Phoenix Meets Godot

In John Phoenix's private compartment on the train, which had been given to him in recognition of his immense talents (the compartment, not the train, he didn't own the train, though he could if he wanted to), 4 beings were present: John Phoenix, his uncle Phoenix Wright, Godot, and the magic bullet containing John Phoenix's deceased mother, Mary Wright.


Trucy: How would he be able to own an entire train? Would he just use his psychic powers to convince the owner to give it to him?

Phoenix: This story can't be THAT stupid, Trucy.

Edgeworth: You say that now, but this author has a talent for surpassing the expectations of idiocy.

"Godot, what are you doing here?" asked John Phoenix's uncle Phoenix Wright. "Don't tell me you escaped heaven, too!"

"Heh, don't be stupid, Wright," replied Godot. Since dying Godot didn't call him Trite anymore. "I was sent by God and St. Peter to bring von Karma and Damon Gant back to heaven."

Phoenix: I also remember him going by Diego Armando again but I think we've established this fic doesn't care about continuity.

Apollo: And that begs the question as to why they sent one man down to capture two feared criminals. Why not send an army?

Trucy: Maybe heaven has a shortage of angels?

Apollo: If everyone who died becomes an angel, because if those two could become angels, why couldn't anyone, I think they'd have quite a few to choose from!

"Can't god do that himself?" asked Wright.

"Heh, don't be stupid, Wright," replied Godot. "You obviously have no idea what you're talking about." Wright gritted his teeth. G-Godot! Even as a dead person, so smug!

John Phoenix inserted himself into the conversation. "Meanwhile, I, myself, John Phoenix, have already solved the mystery," said John Phoenix. "The reason God can't do it himself, is because von Karma possesses a gun that fires bullets that trap people's souls inside the bullets."

Edgeworth: Then why does a gun like that exist in the first place? Also, the Judeo-Christian beliefs state that God is omnipotent. If that's the case, then how can God be trapped inside a bullet?!

Apollo: Because this fic is stupid, that's why. That's the answer to everything.

"That's right, young man, good job." Godot took a thermos out of his robe and sipped some of his homemade coffee. "Ahhhh, delicious. The coffee beans in heaven are much better than the coffee beans on earth. If I had to go back to the old stuff I'd kill myself." He grinned. "If I weren't already dead, that is..."

Phoenix: I wonder what coffee in heaven tastes like anyway?

Edgeworth: I'm thinking it wouldn't be as bitter as the kind here.

John Phoenix's uncle Phoenix Wright, meanwhile, was more in the dark than ever, even while being surrounded by the shining beacons of logic and knowledge that were John Phoenix and, to a much lesser extent, Godot.

"I'm not ashamed to admit I'm in the dark here," said Phoenix Wright.

"You should be," said Godot.

Phoenix: I thought Godot stopped being so patronizing towards me.

Edgeworth: Again, this story doesn't care about continuity. We've established that.

"John Phoenix, how did you know about this... this strange gun in von Karma's possession?" continued Uncle Phoenix.

"Easy, Uncle Phoenix," replied John Phoenix. He picked up his mother's bullet, which had been lying forlornly on the floor. "You see, when this bullet saved my life by hitting the other bullet that had recently emigrated from the now-deceased assassin's rifle, I suspected that it was not a normal bullet. My suspicions were confirmed when the bullet talked. My suspicions were confirmed yet further when I recognized the voice as belonging to none other than my dead mother Mary Wright."

Apollo: And why would he even think to take the bullet in the first place?

Phoenix: Maybe he just wanted a memento of his mother? I could buy that.

Edgeworth: And because he doesn't care about keeping key evidence from the police.

"M-M-Mary?" sputtered Uncle Wright. "T-that was her voice? Then, the bullet really is my sister?"

"Yes, it was her voice," continued John Phoenix by way of explanation. "Obviously, I reasoned, that bullet must contain my mother's soul. And since it contains her soul, and she was killed by angels, I was able to reason even further that the gun used by our escaped angels had the ability to trap people's souls in the bullets. This was just now confirmed by Godot, so I was right all along." Godot nodded and gave a thumbs up.

Phoenix: Um...I'm no expert on Godot but I'm just going to take a wild guess and say he wouldn't give a thumbs up sign at all.

Apollo: Also, completely necessary exposition segment.

Trucy: Padding!

Just then John Phoenix's uncle's cell phone started ringing. But the ringtone wasn't the Steel Samurai theme song, it was the Jammin' Ninja theme song because John Phoenix liked the Jammin' Ninja theme better and he had forced Uncle Phoenix to make it his ringtone. Anyway, John Phoenix's uncle took the phone out of his pocket and answered it.

Edgeworth: Such a disgrace! The Steel Samurai theme is obviously superior!

Phoenix: And how would you know?

Edgeworth: I...studied the themes during State v. Powers.

Phoenix: Of course you did.


"Be quiet pal!" screamed Gumshoe over the phone. "Your daughter has been arrested and charged with murdering her principal! The trial is in one hour! Oh, and Manfred von Karma is prosecuting!"

Trucy: WHAT?! I've been arrested again?! Does this fic hate me or something?!

Edgeworth: And Von Karma was able to get his Prosecutor's Badge, despite being a convicted killer, as well as being dead?!

Phoenix: What happened to his plans on becoming a robot? And if he wanted revenge, why doesn't he just kill me?

Apollo: Do you really want that to happen?

Phoenix: If it means I get out of this story, then kinda.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT" replied Phoenix Wright. "Are you serious?! How?! Why am I just hearing about this?!"

Gumshoe shrugged over the phone. "Dunno, it's really weird pal, everything has been moving really fast. I just heard about this myself. I thought I'd give you a head's up. You're welcome. Oh, and von Karma is gunning for the death penalty. Hopefully she doesn't get that pal, that'd be bad! Anyway I'm hanging up now bye."

Apollo: Wait, isn't Trucy still a minor? Why are they allowing the death penalty for minors?!

Phoenix: Gumshoe sounds rather nonchalant about this whole thing. I think he'd be much more empathetic.

Edgeworth: Add another to the list of people whose characterization this fic has destroyed, I suppose.

Trucy: This fic and this author REALLY hates me. I'm convinced.

Phoenix Wright snapped his phone shut and turned to his nephew. "John Phoenix-"

"Be quiet, Uncle Wright," said John Phoenix. "Of course I'll defend her. Again." But just then the train stopped at a station. The conductor entered the compartment. He was hobbling because of the bullet in his leg.

Phoenix: Wow. He has quite the durability in order to be able to operate a train while injured.

Edgeworth: Yes. Quite the unrealistic durability indeed.

"Someone threw a man onto the tracks and he got killed," said the conductor. "So we had to stop the train."

"Good grief," said Phoenix Wright. "We'll never get back to LA in an hour!"

Godot flexed his wings. "Don't worry, Wright. I'll fly you there. It'll be faster than the train."

Edgeworth: How convenient. Heck, I'm surprised the story didn't just give John the power to fly.

Apollo: We're still a ways away from the end. It can still happen.

"Good idea," said John Phoenix. "I have psychic powers, by the way. I thought it would be prudent to let you know." He put his mother in his pocket.

Phoenix: Just wanted to let people know that the main character is a Mary Sue again. Don't want you to forget.

"Very cool, daddy-o," said Godot. Then Godot tucked uncle and nephew under his arms and flew out the window toward LA.

Phoenix: Okay, Godot saying "daddy-o" is even more impossible than him giving thumbs up.

Edgeworth: If we point out all the characterization flaws in this story, Wright, we'd be here all day.

Phoenix Wright was fearful because he had an established, canonical fear of heights. But he tried to be brave and not get scared. Just then Godot spotted a man who looked like Damon Gant running up and down some mountains in the distance.

Apollo: Impressive that Godot can see that far into the distance and identify who he is.

Trucy: Also impressive that he can run up and down mountains with ease!

Edgeworth: Even more impressive that if this story is to be believed, Gant is an angel and could just fly across those mountains.

Phoenix: In other words, this story is stupid.

"That looks like one of my targets," mused Godot. "John, ah, Phoenix was it? Could you lift up my robes and take out a pair of magical handcuffs? I'd ask Wright here, but he looks like he's about to vomit. I wouldn't want him to vomit under my robe, or worse, vomit on god's magical handcuffs. The vomit might foul up the technology that makes them work."

Apollo: Who would've guessed that vomit was the kryptonite to heavenly technology?

Phoenix: You'd think it would be demonic technology or something.

Edgeworth: That would imply this story had any semblance of logic in it.

John Phoenix complied. "Good," said Godot. "Now use your psychic powers, which you mentioned you have, to put the cuffs on that man down there. Then he'll be sent back to heaven."

"I won't even use my psychic powers," said John Phoenix. "That would be pointless. I'll just throw the handcuffs with great accuracy." John Phoenix threw the handcuffs with great accuracy at the man thousands of feet below. The man saw the handcuffs over his shoulder and veered away in another direction but John Phoenix had thrown the handcuffs in such a way that they curved in the air and chased after the man for about 100 yards. The man screamed and put on a burst of speed and was about to get away.

Trucy: Wow! I wish I had throwing powers like that!

Phoenix: We all wish we had unrealistic powers, Trucy.

"Bah, I'm afraid I'll have to use psychic powers after all," said John Phoenix in disgust. "I must admit, I'm disappointed in myself." So he used his powers to make the handcuffs go onto the man's wrists and lock themselves. A bolt of lightning struck the man and he disintegrated and his soul was sent to heaven to face punishment.

Edgeworth: We're all disappointed, John. Not just in you, but in the entire story.

"Good job, John Phoenix," said Godot. "I just hope that man was actually Damon Gant and not an innocent bystander. It's hard to tell from up here. Anyway, I guess we'll find out later."

And so Godot, John Phoenix, and Uncle Phoenix continued on their way back to Los Angeles.

To be continued...

Phoenix: Wait, so there's a chance that John just killed an innocent person? Didn't Godot only have two pairs of those handcuffs so he really should've been more careful not to accidentally use them on the wrong person?

Apollo: Just another oversight by the author. Or maybe he'll come back to this with a stupid explanation. Once again, not sure which is worse.

[The lights turn on.]

Trucy: I hate this story! It treats me like I'm nothing more than a typical damsel in distress!

Phoenix: I think we all hate this story by now, Trucy.

Trucy: They better have more action scenes to make up for it!

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 7

Speakers: Before we begin the next chapter, we have two announcements to make.

Edgeworth: This can't be good.

Speakers: Actually, we think you'll appreciate them. First, we've received multiple requests to have John Phoenix star as a sporker for this series. The Management will deny this request, as our policy dictates that no OCs will be allowed to participate.

Phoenix: Well that's a relief.

Apollo: Who would even request such a thing?

Speakers: The author. He's asking almost every fic out there to include John Phoenix cameos.

Edgeworth: How egotistic do you have to be to request your own character appear in other stories?

Speakers: Apparently this guy is very egotistical. Second, considering the next two chapters are longer than usual, we will have you watch those two chapters in separate parts.

Apollo: Oh good. More breaks.

Trucy: Does this fic really tire you out, Polly?

Apollo: I'm surprised you even have to ask that question.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 13: John Phoenix and the Trial of Trudy Wright

Trucy: Wow, first this fic has me arrested twice for murder, but it spells my name wrong! That's just mean!

Apollo: It's just a story, Trucy.

Phoenix: Thank God it's just a story.

Godot flew threw the air. He flew very fast. He flew with his wings. He was flying fast to the district courthouse. He was carrying John Phoenix and John Phoenix's uncle Phoenix Wright. Eventually Godot flew so fast and flapped his wings so much that he got to the destination.

Edgeworth: I'd make a comment about the unnecessary recap but I have a feeling the author will do this in the future chapters and by commenting on it, we're doing the exact same thing they're doing by being redundant.

When they touched-down at the courthouse, John Phoenix went inside the building. So did his uncle Uncle Phoenix and so did Godot. They went to the defense lobby and John Phoenix threatened Trucy's public defender with death if he didn't sign legal documents that John Phoenix took out of his pocket. Since the man didn't want to die, he signed John Phoenix's legal documents and transferred the rights to defend John Phoenix's first cousin Trucy Wright over to John Phoenix.

Apollo: And we can add ANOTHER thing to the list of "horrible things this character has done!" Threatening others with death!

Phoenix: This one's entirely pointless, too! If Trucy requested, she could change attorneys! Why do we need this?

Trucy: I'm amazed he's able to pull out legal documents from his pocket. Is it like my Magic Panties?

Edgeworth: Do you really want someone stealing your trick?

Trucy: No, but at least it would be the first magic trick done right in this story.

"Good, these legal documents will allow me to defend my cousin in court," said John Phoenix, looking over the legal documents with satisfaction. You see, John Phoenix always carried legal documents with him. A good lawyer is always prepared. John Phoenix wrote all his own legal documents himself. His legal documents were better than other people's legal documents and that's why John Phoenix is such a good lawyer.

Edgeworth: One, when did he find the time to write all those legal documents himself? Two, how are his legal documents better than everyone else's?

Phoenix: Maybe they have the "John Phoenix Stamp of Approval" on them?

Apollo: Nothing like having a worthless writ on legal documents!

"I'm glad you're defending me, John Phoenix," said Trucy. "Because you are the greatest defense attorney in the entire country."

Trucy: Hey! I wouldn't say that! Obviously Daddy's the greatest defense attorney in the country!

Apollo: Hey!

Trucy: Okay, you can be second greatest, Polly.

Phoenix: Don't forget Athena, Trucy.

Trucy: She's...tied for second best with Polly.

Edgeworth: I'm surprised the author didn't make her say "greatest defense attorney in the world."

"I know that," said John Phoenix. "Tell me something I don't know about."

Edgeworth: You're a narcissistic Mary Sue?

Trucy: You suck at magic?

Phoenix: Your moral compass is questionable at best?

Apollo: You're possibly the worst OC we've ever seen in the Sporking Theater?

Trucy took out a new tie. "John Phoenix, I made this tie for you at school," she said. "I would be honored if you wore my tie I made all by myself."

Edgeworth: I never saw Trucy as a haberdasher.

Trucy: What's a haberdasher?

Apollo: Look it up.

"Are you blind?" replied John Phoenix. "I already own a tie. I'm wearing it. I don't need two ties. Nobody needs two ties. Throw that in the trash where it belongs. You made it bad, anyway."

Trucy: Rude!

She looked more determined than ever to make him wear the tie. "But, John Phoenix, your tie has a piece of glass in it from when you broke through the train window! It looks trashy!"

John Phoenix looked down by moving his head. He was shocked. Mildy unnerved, to be exact. His tie had a shard of glass sticking out of it. How did that happen? It must have happened when he crashed through the window of his private compartment on the train. Yes, that made logical sense.

Apollo: How did it take him that long to notice that?

Phoenix: And do we really need a paragraph dedicated to how the shard might've gotten on his tie?

"Very well," he said, taking off his tie. "I'll wear your tie." He threw his tie in the garbage and accepted the new one. But he didn't know how to tie a tie so he had his cousin do it for him. It was pointless to learn how to put a tie on when you can have other people do it for you. As you can see, even very smart people might not know how to tie a tie.

Edgeworth: You'd think that he would develop skills in order to present himself accordingly at trials like how to tie a tie.

Phoenix: That's rich coming from the man who doesn't even wear ties.

Edgeworth: I could easily wear a tie if I chose to do so.

Phoenix: Because cravats are SO much more fashionable than ties.

"Your tie looks very good," said the cousin of John Phoenix. She held out her arms. "Now how about a hug?"

"Absolutely not," returned John Phoenix. He walked away to consult with his uncle and Godot.

Trucy: Double rude!

"I can't believe they're letting von Karma prosecute!" Wright was saying. "I mean, he was disbarred! On the night he was executed, his prosecutor's badge was burned by the governor himself. This has to some kind of joke."

"If it's a joke, it's not funny," said Godot grimly. "That man is a murderer several times over. But don't worry, as soon as he shows his face in court I'll slap the ol' magic handcuffs on and send him to heaven to be executed again."

Edgeworth: Since when does the governor burn badges when they're done being used?

Phoenix: Wouldn't it be easier to just reuse the badge for the future?

It was now time for the trial to begin. John Phoenix received the court record for the trial from the public defender.

"All right," Pubic D. Fender said, "so here's all the evidence for the trial and the profiles of all the people- hey, what are you doing?" John Phoenix was scraping the court record into a wastebasket.

Phoenix: Wait what?! Why is he throwing the court record in the trash?!

"Looking at court records makes trials too easy," John Phoenix elucidated. "I want a real challenge this time around. If I looked at the court record, I would solve the cave in less than a minute."

Phoenix Wright got down on his knees and dug the evidence out of the trash. "John Phoenix, are you crazy?!" he cried. "We need this. This isn't some kind of game! They're trying to give Trucy the death penalty!"

Edgeworth: Look, Wright! That's the first thing you've done in this story that's in character!

Phoenix: *sarcastically* Yay.

"I want a challenge."

Phoenix went over to John Phoenix while cradling the court record in his arms. "Please, for the love of god, just look at the court and solve the case. I'm asking nicely, John Phoenix."

"No. I want a challenge." John Phoenix hit his uncle's hands and made him drop all the court records on the floor. Then he said, "Come, cousin, let us adjourn to the courtroom for your trial." John Phoenix and Trucy left while Phoenix Wright gathered up the scattered court records.

Apollo: So this guy is willing to risk his own cousin's life just for a challenge? Why are we supposed to root for him again?

Trucy: I know I'm not rooting for him! Except I kinda have to since fic-me is being defended by him.

Phoenix: It would be the twist of the century if it turned out that John was actually the villain the whole time.

"Heh, stubborn young chap, isn't he?" said Godot. Godot drinks coffee a lot.

Phoenix: In other news, water is wet.

"Don't worry, I'm sure he knows what he's doing. They say he's the greatest defense attorney in the world. Hell, even us dead people up in heaven know about him."

Edgeworth: Ah, there's the "greatest defense attorney in the world statement."

Apollo: Dead people in hell, on the other hand, have no idea who he is.

[The trio of attorneys and Trucy arrive in the courtroom.]

"They say I killed Principal Buddy Goodman," Trucy had said. "But I didn't!" No psyche locks had appeared. That means innocent. "What happened is I was called to the principal's office. They didn't tell me why, just that I had to go. When I got there, the principal was sitting at his desk facing away from me. So I just sat down in the other chair and when I did someone put a dirty towel over my face and chloroformed me! When I woke up Principal Buddy Johnson was dead... shot. Next thing I know I'm being arrested!"

So you see, Principal Buddy Goodman, who was mentioned by name in the second chapter, actually turned out to be a very important character in the story. That just goes to show that this story is well-plotted and every single thing is planned.

Edgeworth: Who's willing to bet that the author just decided out of nowhere to put this one-off character here to make it seem like he was important in the least?

Phoenix: *opens his mouth*

Edgeworth: Not you, Wright!

Poor Trucy, thought Phoenix Wright. Hasn't she experienced enough tragedy in her life already? And now she's been put on trial for murder two days in a row! It felt like god was playing some sort of cruel joke. Or maybe... Manfred von Karma?

Phoenix: You sure this story isn't about Maya? Usually she's the one who's on trial for murder all the time.

Apollo: Do you WANT the story to be about her?

Phoenix: No, but I'm just saying.

Trucy: I'd rather be absent from this story than be in it while being accused of murder twice.

Speak of the devil. Just then Manfred von Karma entered the courtroom.

"What the heck" said Phoenix Wright. The gallery made noises. Shocked noises.

Why? Because, you see, Manfred von Karma had finally completed his long-standing dream of transforming into a robot. He was now a metallic cube on a wooden push-cart. Embedded in the center of the front of the cube was a television displaying a crude 3D model of von Kamra's disembodied head. On the top of the cube was a glass dome containing von Karma's brain and there was electricity coming out of his brain.

All: ...

Trucy: THAT'S the robot that was built up for this long?! What a let down!

Apollo: How exactly would he be able to make himself into a robot in just a couple days?

Edgeworth: Better question: neither Von Karma nor Gant are exceptionally skilled with machines. How did they even create this?

Phoenix: Just another two questions to add to the "stuff that will either never be explained or be explained really stupidly" pile.

"Let's get this trial started," said the 3D von Karma head, grinning maliciously. "I have been looking forward to facing your protege in court, Phoenix Wright! This shall be your ultimate defeat!"

"You tell 'em, pops," said the person pushing the cart. And that person was... Larry Butz!

Edgeworth: Really?! We're STILL going with this "Larry Butz is actually Von Karma's son" farce?!

Phoenix: I'm more amazed that he's willing to support Von Karma over me.

"LARRY!" shouted Wright. "What are you doing? Why are you helping von Karma? And why are you dressed like that?!"

"Shut up, fool," said Larry. He was dressed like a von Karma and was wearing a cravat and a powered wig. "I'm Karl von Karma now. And you're the arch enemy of the von Karmas, Nick! Or should I say... Phoenix Wright?"

Apollo: "Karl von Karma?" That's just...stupid.

Edgeworth: And since when could Larry speak in competent sentences?

Phoenix: And the image of Larry dressed like Von Karma and wearing a wig is giving me a headache.

Trucy: Shame. Mr. Butz seems like a nice guy outside of this story.

Edgeworth: Destroying characterization is this fic's specialty.

"No," replied Phoenix Wright. "You shouldn't say that. We're friends, Larry!"

"Ha, if you don't like Wright, how about I call you Shite?"


Phoenix: That's not even funny!

Trucy: This fic really has it out for you, Daddy.

The judge hammered his gavel. "Now, now, Karl, let's keep our language clean, shall we? There are children in the gallery. Including my granddaughter."

Apollo: Okay, the judge may not be the brightest bulb, but even HE would know not to go along with this!

Phoenix: Also, should young children really be in attendance for murder trials?

Edgeworth: My father and Von Karma brought me along to their trials, Wright.

Phoenix: Does that make it right though?

"My sorries, Your Honor," replied Karl von Karma. He wheeled von Karma over to the prosecution bench then lifted him onto it. "Is that okay, dad? Can you see okay?"

"Perfectly, son," said von Karma. "Good job." He addressed the judge. "Karl von Karma shall be my co-counsel. Now let's get this trial over with."

Apollo: "My sorries?"

Edgeworth: I suppose Larry hasn't changed entirely in this story.

During all this John Phoenix was standing with his eyes closed and his arms crossed. He was ignoring everyone. He was thinking about something private.

Well, thought Wright, if he won't point out the obvious problem with all this, then I guess it's up to me!

Trucy: Not even bothering to defend me in court properly?! This guy has the nerve to call himself a great attorney?!

Phoenix: At least I'm not entirely incompetent in this story.

"OBJECTION!" shouted Phoenix. He slammed down on the desk and spilled Godot's coffee. "Uh, whoops, sorry! Ahem, anyway... Your Honor!"


"Von Karma can't prosecute this trial! For one thing, he's dead, and two, he's been disbarred! Not to mention that he killed my sister yesterday!"

"SLANDER!" shouted Karl von Karma. Von Karma's face laughed.

Edgeworth: Actually, very legitimate points, Larry. And no, I'm not going to call him by the name referred to in this story.

Phoenix: Same here.

"Oh, I believe you're mistaken, Wright," said von Karma. "I'm not Manfred von Karma, I'm Manfred von Robot. I was built just a few hours ago. Impossible for me to have murdered anybody. And I can assure you I'm fully barred. Karl?"

Karl von Karma took out his robotic father's badge and held it aloft for all to see.

"Hmm, seems legitimate," said the judge, nodding in approval.

Apollo: "Manfred von Robot?" How stupid are these names gonna get?

Edgeworth: I have a feeling it will only get worse.

Trucy: I'm afraid.

Phoenix: We all are, Trucy.

"No way!" cried Phoenix. "There's no way you got your badge in just one day, von Karma!"

"Von Robot," he correct.

"Whatever! That badge is fake! There's no way you went to law school and-"

"OBJECTION!" shouted von Robot. "Ha, honestly, Wright! Are you seriously forgetting that there's a secondary path to becoming a lawyer? One that your very own apprentice took yesterday?"

"What are you talking about...?"

"I, Manfred von Robot, was apprenticed a few hours ago and then took the bar exam and passed with flying colors and then immediately joined the prosecutor's office. No schooling necessary!" He laughed. "I'm just THAT good..."

Edgeworth: Even if we accept this horrible explanation, when exactly did John take the bar exam? Also, how does an apprenticeship only last a few hours?

Phoenix: This fic is stupid, Edgeworth. Just accept it.

"That's... that's insane!" said Phoenix. "For multiple reasons! Who would apprentice you? And how did you join the prosecutor's office so fast?"

"Heh, simple, I was apprenticed by Marvin Grossberg," said von Robot. "He was very accommodating... almost as if he was fearful of me for some reason.. ha, ha..."

"But he's a defense attorney, not a prosecutor."

"So? The law doesn't care. As long as I'm apprenticed I can take as many tests as I want, whenever I want. Deal with it. Oh, and as for joining the prosecutor's office, well, let's just I can be very convincing. Ha..."

Edgeworth: Actually, the law DOES care. And I don't think the prosecutor's office would be accommodating to a murderer.

Phoenix: Especially one who's supposed to be dead.

Godot suddenly flew into the air and cracked his knuckles. "All right, this has been very amusing," said Godot, "but it's time for you to go back to heaven, von Karma!" He swooped down towards von Robot with the magical handcuffs. Karl von Karma put up his dukes but Godot knocked him aside like a stack of paper plates. But then Godot was faced with a startling dilemma: von Karma had no hands!

"Fool!" von Robot laughed insanely. "You didn't think I'd be so foolish as to be reborn as a robot with those pesky, vulnerable hands, did you?"

"Damn you, Karma!" swore Godot. "How about I handcuff your brain, you villain?"

"You know as well as I do that that isn't how the handcuffs work, Godot..." He was right. Godot flew back to the defense bench, dejected.

Apollo: It's almost like this scene was entirely pointless!

Trucy: We didn't even get a cool action scene!

"Guess it's up to John Phoenix, now," Godot said. He took out another thermos of good joe.

"Ahem..." said the judge. "I've never had an angel in my court before... interesting... Ahem! Well, Mr. Wright, if you're quite satisfied that von Robot's credentials are legitimate-"

"Be quiet," John Phoenix shot out suddenly. His eyes were still closed. "Be quiet, Your Honor. My Uncle Phoenix isn't even the defense attorney for this trial. He's merely my co-counsel. He needs to be quiet. Uncle Phoenix, if you don't be quiet I'll take your badge away again. I'll be solving this case myself."

Phoenix: Didn't John take over for the defense even though he was the co counsel in the first trial?

Apollo: Clearly the author doesn't want anyone stealing the spotlight from the Mary Sue OC.

Phoenix Wright was sore that his imprudent nephew was talking to him like this, but he also knew that John Phoenix was the greatest defense attorney who ever lived, so he decided to be quiet and let John Phoenix save his daughter.

Karl von Karma climbed to his feet, coughing. He rubbed his throat. "Your Honor, the prosecution requests that this John Phoenix guy doesn't use his psychic powers in court. It's cheating. He's just going to make the witnesses kill themselves like he always does."

Edgeworth: And it's back to Larry making sense.

Apollo: Hopefully we'll see this guy get a taste of his own medicine.

Trucy: At the cost of fic-me's life?!

Apollo: Didn't you say you wanted out of this fic?

Trucy: ...true.

The judge stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Hmm, this a very unusual request indeed. Mr. John Phoenix?"

"Hmph, why not?" smirked John Phoenix. "I don't need psychic powers to win. Do your worst, von Robot. This trial will be the ultimate test of who's the better lawyer. I'm giving you your chance for revenge. No tricks, no powers, just contradictions and hold-it's. If I win, you have to say that I am a good lawyer. If I lose, you get to execute my cousin. Deal?"

"J-John Phoenix!" sputtered Uncle Wright.

"Deal!" said von Robot eagerly. Yes... just as according to plan!

To be continued...

Phoenix: That sounds like a pretty bad deal to me.

Apollo: Also, he forgot objection's and take-that's.

[The lights turn on again.]

Phoenix: The Management was right. That WAS a long chapter.

Apollo: I hope the rest of the chapters aren't like this.

Edgeworth: Even though there are no psychic powers, it'll still be idiotic. I know it.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 8

Phoenix: I still can't believe that this story has Larry Butz not only as a prosecutor, but as the son of Manfred von Karma.

Edgeworth: You and me both, Wright.

Trucy: I can't believe that my supposed cousin isn't taking my defense seriously!

Apollo: I don't think he's taking ANYTHING seriously in this.

Phoenix: Time to be degraded even more by this story.

Trucy: At least it's only one chapter this time.

Phoenix: But how much can one chapter do? That's the question.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 14: John Phoenix and the Curious Contradiction

John Phoenix still had his eyes closed. John Phoenix hadn't opened John Phoenix's eyes since the last chapter when it was mentioned that John Phoenix's eyes were closed. John Phoenix had closed John Phoenix's eyes, and had kept them closed, because John Phoenix didn't need to keep them open because John Phoenix knew the trial would be too easy to require the use of eyes. By keeping John Phoenix's eyes closed, John Phoenix knew that John Phoenix could show John Phoenix's disdain for the von Karmas, one of whom had murdered his mother not 24 hours ago.

Apollo: I'm not sure what to comment on. The fact that there isn't a pointless recap, the amount of times the author says "John Phoenix" in this paragraph, or how the idea of keeping one's eyes closed for the entirety of a trial, unless you're blind is stupid.

Edgeworth: I think that covers it for this first paragraph. Moving on.

John Phoenix continued to have John Phoenix's eyes closed.

Trucy: Does that count as a pointless recap?

Apollo: Sure, why not?

Manfred von Robot, who was actually none other than Manfred von Karma, but a robot, called his first witness to the stand.

"Name and occupation," said Manfred von Robot, who was Manfred von Karma, but who was actually a robot.

Phoenix: Oh look! Two pointless recaps in one chapter! Double the padding, double the suffering!

Edgeworth: Also, just like Larry, I am NOT calling Von Karma by the name given to him in this story.

"John Policeman," the witness responded. He had a hat. "I am the detective in charge of this case."

Apollo: I honestly feel like I'm back in Khur'ain given these names.

Phoenix: Why did the fic feel the need to specifically say he had a hat? If you're gonna describe what the witness looks like, fine, but describe it better than just...wearing a hat!

Trucy: Maybe the author thinks hats are fashionable. Which, they are!

Apollo: Aren't you biased?

Phoenix scratched his goatee which was connected to his sideburns. "John Policeman?" he repeated dubiously. "That name sounds phony. Where's Detective Gumshoe?"

Phoenix: Wait a second! I don't have a goatee!

Edgeworth: Maybe you forgot to shave again.

Phoenix: I haven't forgotten to shave since I was disbarred!

Apollo: And even then, that can hardly be classified as having facial hair.

"Objection," said Manfred von Robot. "His name isn't 'phony'. The witness changed his last name to Policeman to show his dedication to the law. He became a detective a few hours ago. Detective Gumshoe isn't here because I had him fired for being a bad detective."

Edgeworth: One can't just change their surname on the spot, let alone to something like "Policeman."

Phoenix: Also, Gumshoe isn't a bad detective! Just...not the brightest?

Edgeworth: Sure, we'll go with that.

"What!" Phoenix said out loud. "But Gumshoe isn't that bad of a detective. Wait a minute, only a few hours? Von Karma, how do we know this 'witness' isn't actually a robot like you?"

Manfred von Robot's 3D face started sweating bullets but the sweat bullets were as big as apples. "Um... well... heh... robot? I can't be expected to know something like that... it's possible, I suppose..."

"You're Honour, the defense requests that we check to see if John Policeman is a robot, and-"

"Shut up," John Phoenix snapped. "Shut your mouth, Uncle Phoenix. You're being stupid. Also, irrelevant."

Apollo: Really? Because it sounds like he's doing John's job right now.

Phoenix: Well he did my job in the first trial shown. It's only fair I do his in this trial.

Edgeworth: Do you really think this will stay consistent, Wright?

Phoenix: A man can dream, can't he?

"I agree with John Phoenix," said the Judge wisely. "There's nothing to suggest that John Policeman is anything but what he professes to be, a robot! I mean, a detective."

Trucy: Wow. That's our judge.

Apollo: The sad thing is, this is almost something he would do. ALMOST.

"Indeed," said Manfred von Robot. "Karl, my circuits grow tired, tell the witness to relate the facts of this case to the court."

Karl von Karma obeyed. "I obey you, father," said Karl von Karma. He went to the witness. "Mr. Policeman, testify about that thing you're supposed to talk about."

"Okay," said John Policeman. "I just do what I'm commanded to do, sir. Sometimes it feels like... I'm being controlled..."

Phoenix: Being controlled by something? Gee, I wonder what that could mean.

Trucy: Yay, robots!

Karl sniggered nastily and patted the secret remote control deeper into his pocket. "Oh, you don't know the half of it, Mr. Policeman..." he said under his breath. He returned to his place by his father.

Apollo: Way to be subtle about the whole thing.

Edgeworth: Larry was never known for being subtle.

John Policeman began his testimony.

"Alright, the defendant killed her Principal Buddy Johnson for an unknown reason."

"We don't know why, but she just did it."

"The victim was shot with his own gun. The defendant's fingerprints are all over it."

"Buddy Johnson always cleaned his gun at exactly the time when he was killed, so Ms. Wright could have stolen it from the desk then."

Trucy: ALL LIES!

Apollo: That's the most obvious contradiction I've seen in a testimony.

Phoenix: Also, what kind of statement is "We don't know why, but she just did it?"

Edgeworth: This is why we go over testimonies before the trial.

Hmm, wait a minute, contradiction? thought Phoenix Wright. He glanced at John Phoenix. His face didn't show any sign of having seen, or more accurately heard, the contradiction.

Uncle Phoenix tugged John Phoenix's sleeve. "Um, John Phoenix? I think that was a contradiction just now?"

John Phoenix refused to speak. He shut his eyes tighter and stuck his fingers in his ears. Phoenix sighed.

"Hey, Wright," said Godot, "you should raise an objection. I know that look, you've spotted a contradiction haven't you?"

"Yeah," replied Phoenix, "but I can't raise an objection because I am merely the co-counsel."

Phoenix: Why not? First, co-counsels can raise objections. Second, once again, John literally did my job in the first trial. Why can't I do this for his trial?

Apollo: Also, what kind of an attorney sticks his fingers in his ears to avoid taking advice?

Trucy: Apparently this guy.

"Do it anyway. You look a lot like John Phoenix. Maybe the judge will mistake you for him. His eyesight has been going for years, and his vanity stops him from wearing his glasses."

Phoenix: Do I? Did this fic ever make it clear what John looks like?

Edgeworth: I don't believe so. If it did, it wasn't done very well.

So Phoenix raised an objection. "Objection!"

"Huh?" asked John Policeman. "What is... an 'objection'?"

Trucy: He's a robot, calling it now!

Apollo: I think everyone knew he was a robot after that secret remote line.

"Quiet, John Policeman," said Karl von Karma. "I'll tell you later."

"Policeman!" yelled Phoenix. "If Trucy stole the gun when it was being cleaned, it wouldn't have been loaded!" The camera did a close-up of his face. "Because people don't clean loaded guns! Because it's dangerous!"

Phoenix: What camera?

Apollo: You know, when the game has us making meaningful objections, we always have close ups.

Phoenix: Oh right. Those are always intense.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Phoenix Wright and Apollo Justice that breaking the fourth wall-

Phoenix: -is strictly prohibited, yadda yadda yadda. We've heard this a million times.

Speakers: Then stop doing it.

John Policeman's head spun around 720 degrees and shot off sparks. "Brrzt! Buzzt!"

Edgeworth: Your Honor, are you quite sure this witness isn't a robot?

Trucy: I called it!

"Nice objection, sir," said the Judge.

"Yeah, that was a nice objection, Wright," said Godot.

But von Robot just laughed. "Fool! You have no proof that the gun wasn't loaded! The principal was probably just a negligent idiot."

"Objection!" said Phoenix. He presented the "bloodied gun safety poster" from the court record. "This poster was in the principal's office. It has his brain on it. He also made it with his own two hands. That means Buddy Johnson knew about gun safety, so he wouldn't clean a loaded gun! It says right here on the poster, 'Don't clean your gun when it's loaded, WARNING that's dangerous.' See?"

Phoenix: What kind of principal keeps a poster like that in their office?!

Apollo: Apparently a gun enthusiast.

Trucy: If I were a principal, I'd keep it. After all, I'd need to remember gun safety for my magic tricks!

Apollo: I don't think many principals are magicians, Trucy.

"Objection," said John Phoenix. "Uncle Phoenix, you are stupid. Your objection is hardly an objection. Even if the gun was unloaded, she could have stolen bullets from the desk. I assume bullets were kept in the desk?"

"Of course," said John Policeman. "Buddy Johnson always kept bullets in his desk, in case he needed to shoot someone."

John Phoenix smirked, the logic flowing freely from his brain. "Also, it's possible that Trucy brought her own bullets to the office and concealed them in her pockets..."

Edgeworth: Is this character so incompetent that he's literally trying to prove the prosecution's claims?!

Trucy: Why is he trying to get me declared guilty?! What did I do to him?!

Apollo: Maybe it was trying to hug him last chapter.

Trucy: Who doesn't love hugs?!

Apollo and Edgeworth: *raises their hands*

Trucy: You guys need to lighten up.

"Objection!" shouted Phoenix Wright. "Easily?! Where would she get bullets? Besides, Trucy doesn't have pockets."

"Shut up," said John Phoenix. "She could have hidden the bullets in her armpits."

Phoenix: Um...what?

Edgeworth: How exactly does anyone hide objects, let alone bullets, in their armpits?

Trucy: I could probably do it with practice!

Apollo: Do you WANT to prove the guy who's saying how you're guilty right?

Trucy: Just saying...


The Judge fiddled with his gavel. "Ahem..." he cleared his throat. "So what does all this mean, John Phoenix."

"Simple, Your Honor. My Uncle is an idiot when compared with myself. Nothing he said matters in the slightest. That is all."

Phoenix: Are you SURE John is supposed to look up to me? Because it seems like he views me as the worthless sidekick in our relationship.

Trucy: Yeah! That's Polly's job!

Apollo: I saved a country from a tyrannical queen. How am I the worthless sidekick?

Trucy: When you're helping with my magic shows you are.

Apollo: I can't argue with that, I suppose.

"B-b-but..." sputtered Phoenix. "Um, chloroformed! She was unconscious, so..."

"She could have easily chloroformed herself, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. "After she murdered her principal, she simply put the rag over her face and made herself get unconscious. That way, when the police arrived on the scene she would be off in chloroform land, and everyone would think she was just another victim, when in fact she was the true murderess all along!"

"Yes, that's exactly what happened," said von Karma. "Good job, John Phoenix... for doing my job for me! Ahaha!"

Trucy: Well, John, you just helped someone prove me guilty! I hope you're happy!

Phoenix: Knowing this story, I'm pretty sure it'll take a turn for the stupid in a few lines.

But John Phoenix merely smirked. "But do you have any PROOF that is what happened?"

"Of course," replied von Robot. "It's the only thing that COULD have happened. Because the office was locked from the inside! The only two people in the room were Wright's brat and that principal, so she must have done it."

John Phoenix suddenly grabbed Godot's coffee and poured it on his uncle's hands. "Ow! Hot!"

Edgeworth: I'm now convinced that John hates Wright.

Phoenix: At least I have experience with hot coffee on my skin.

"Shut up," ordered John Phoenix. "Von Robot, I asked for PROOF! Give me evidence or testimony that only she could have done it!"

"Hmph, fine," was the reply. "John Policeman, testify once again, this time about the state of the crime scene."

"Yes, I do only what you tell me."

"Good boy."

Trucy: I thought the witness was a robot, not a dog.

Edgeworth: To be fair, Von Karma always treated policemen like dogs.

Trucy: Are all prosecutors condescending and cruel like that, Daddy?

Phoenix: No, just the ones I come across.

Edgeworth: *glares at Phoenix*

Apollo: Ditto.

The second testimony began.

"We arrived on the scene approximately 10 minutes after the secretary heard the gunshot and called 911."

"The door to the office was locked. We had to break the door down. We later found the key in the victim's pocket."

"The defendant was still unconscious when we entered the room. The gun was lying in her hand."

"The windows were also locked from the inside, so this is a textbook locked room murder if I've ever seen one."

John Phoenix took exactly 1.8 seconds to respond.

Trucy: Wow. That's a fast response.

Edgeworth: Just another unrealistic action taken by this Mary Sue of a character.

"Objection," said John Phoenix. "Do you have proof that those windows were the same windows that were in the window frames during the murder?"

"Huh?" gaped John Policeman. "Huh, what?"

"Yeah!" said von Robot. "What?"

"Hmph hmph hmph," chuckled John Phoenix. "Isn't it obvious? The true killer could have chloroformed Trucy, shot the principal, and then escaped via the unlocked windows. Then, he could have simply removed the windows and installed pre-locked windows that he had prepared earlier."

Phoenix: Um...that would take hours at best to accomplish.

Edgeworth: And yet it's something you would definitely suggest in a situation like this, Wright.

Phoenix: Hey!

Apollo: What kind of laughter is "hmph hmph hmph?"

The entire court was silent. Except for John Phoenix.

"If Trucy Wright is innocent of this crime, then it's the only possible explanation. My brain tells me that."

Karl von Karma threw back his head and laughed insanely. "Ah! Ah, ah! Ah ah ah ah! But we don't think she's innocent! So we have no reason to believe that crap you just came up with!"

"No, but it IS your job to prove that the crime didn't happen the way I described it."

Edgeworth: That's not how burden of proof works.

Phoenix: I wish it worked like that.

Apollo: Me too.

"How could we possibly prove that?" asked von Karma.

"Easy," replied John Phoenix. "As a former pupil of that high school, before I escaped it, I know that the windows are cleaned every day at a particular time. That time? An hour before the murder! So, the windows should have been wet, from the water used to clean them. But if the windows weren't wet, that means they had been replaced." He slammed the desk. "By the real killer!"

Edgeworth: Except the windows would be dry after an hour passes.

Trucy: Maybe it's magic water.

Apollo: What exactly would magic water do?

Trucy: Make everything wet for a longer period of time, duh!

Phoenix: She's tried some of it on me. It was not pleasant.

The gallery made noises. Phoenix Wright made a noise.

Phoenix: What kind of noise? Do I even want to know the noise?

Edgeworth: Probably not.

"Y-you can't prove whether or not they were wet!" said von Robot. He regained his composure. "Oh, but our witness here can! Witness, were the windows wet?" Karl von Karma stuck his hand in his pocket and adjusted a knob.

"Brrzzt..." said John Policeman with a jerk of the head. "Windows were wet."

"Ah," said John Phoenix, "I wouldn't expect this forged witness to speak the truth. I call the janitor the stand!"

Apollo: Shouldn't there be a recess to prepare the witness?

Edgeworth: Knowing Von Karma, he'd probably object to there being a recess.

The janitor took the stand.

"Did you clean the windows an hour before the murder?" asked John Phoenix.

"Yes. I made the windows wet. It's my job. But an hour later they were dry."

John Phoenix addressed the judge. "And yet, a mere hour later, John Policeman says that the windows were WET! Therefore, he lies! Thus, the windows were indeed replaced... by the real killer! And since my cousin was found in the room with the victim, she couldn't have left via the windows and then put the new locked windows in, so therefore the real killer is a DIFFERENT PERSON!"

Edgeworth: That's not how it works. You can't combat testimony with testimony. He needs actual proof.

Phoenix: Also, shouldn't we be trying to find out who the real killer is at this point?

The gallery cheered in celebration of John Phoenix and his brilliance. Phoenix Wright and Godot patted him on the back. John Phoenix didn't like being touched so he flailed his arms around and knocked legal briefs and pens off the desk. The von Karmas were seething.

Apollo: Even if I don't like being touched like that, I wouldn't just flail my arms around and throw a tantrum.

Phoenix: Also, I'm pretty sure I'd be more bitter at my supposed nephew, who spent a good portion of the trial calling me an idiot.

The Judge made a gavel sound. "Well, since John Phoenix said that this crime was committed by a third person, I find the defendant, Trucy Wright-"

Suddenly a panel on the side of Manfred von Robot slid aside and the angel gun (on a stick) came out and pointed itself at the judge!

"I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that, Your Honor..." said Manfred von Robot.

Edgeworth: Oh great. We're bringing the angel gun that has literally no logical explanation to exist back.

Trucy: At least we have action again.

"Good gracious!" exclaimed the judge. People in the gallery screamed and began fleeing.

"John Phoenix, do something!" said Phoenix Wright.

John Phoenix stretched out his arm toward the gun so he could he use his psychic powers on it. But then his eyes shot open for the first time in almost 2 chapters. Something was wrong. For the first time in his life, John Phoenix was afraid.

"They're gone... my psychic powers are gone!"

Apollo: Rejoice! For the Mary Sue has lost his powers, only to probably gain them back later on for some stupid reason.

Everyone else: *weakly* Yaaaaay.

"Fool!" gloated Manfred von Robot. "Did you really think I would be so wretchedly foolish as to face you in court without neutralizing your psychic powers first? Now you're at my mercy! Hahahaha!" Suddenly von Robot adjusted his stick and fired the the angel gun at the defense bench.

"Oh no!" said Phoenix Wright!

To be continued...

Edgeworth: This is really suspenseful because I can't tell which character will make it out alive except for probably all of them.

[The lights turn on again.]

Phoenix: I'm not sure how many more blows my pride can take.

Edgeworth: I'm sure there are plenty more blows coming, Wright.

Apollo: At least neither of us are in the story, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Let's hope it stays that way.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 9

Phoenix: Please tell me this is the last part because we see John die from taking a bullet.

Edgeworth: Remember what the Management said? At least twenty-one chapters.

Phoenix: Aw.

Apollo: I am curious to see how this is resolved.

Trucy: You're actually LIKING this, Polly?

Apollo: HELL NO! I'm just baffled enough to want to study this atrocity as much as possible.

Speakers: That's the spirit. Oh, and by the way, we're back up to two chapters per session again.

Everyone: *weakly* Yaaaay.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 15: John Phoenix and the Awesome Battle

Trucy: If this isn't an awesome battle, I'm gonna be disappointed.

Phoenix: I think we're already disappointed in this fic, Trucy.

Time seemed to slow down. The bullet hurtled toward John Phoenix and his co-counsels. But it was not just a mere bullet- it was an angel bullet, the most dangerous bullet of them all. Because, as explained in the previous chapters, anyone who gets shot by an angel bullet gets their soul trapped in the bullet that killed them.


Apollo: *opens his mouth*

Edgeworth: Mr. Justice, we know that there's an unnecessary explanation here. You don't need to keep pointing it out.

Apollo: *closes mouth*

"The bullet's coming! Brace yourselves!" said Godot grimmly, sipping coffee. It seemed that his return to Earth might be ending prematurely. A wave of regret passed over Godot, who had been Diego Armando in another life before he had died the first time. Not only had he failed to save Mia all those years ago, now he had failed God and St. Peter, who had been counting on him to fulfil his mission AKA Godot's mission.

It seemed his life was always destined to be... bitter. Godot grinned and 1 tear streaked down his face and fell into his cup.

Phoenix: You know, for someone who said "brace yourselves," you'd think Godot would actually brace himself.

Edgeworth: Also, time seems to be going remarkably slow while a bullet travels across the courtroom.

Trucy: Didn't the fic establish that time slows down around John?

Apollo: That's only when he merges with Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: In other words, this makes absolutely no sense.

Phoenix Wright was scared as well. As he watched that bullet make its terrifyingly quick journey across the courtroom, he couldn't help but flinch, not once, but twice.

Edgeworth: And how can a person flinch twice in that amount of time?

Apollo: What would flinching twice even look like?

But John Phoenix didn't flinch. John Phoenix didn't do anything of the sort. Time seemed to slow down. John Phoenix stared at the bullet steadfastly. His eyes narrowed. His eyes burned with hatred. Because this bullet was a relative of the bullet that had killed his mother, and trapped her soul in a bullet Forever. His eyes narrowed.

Time seemed to slow down.

Phoenix: Honestly, you could run ten laps around the courthouse and that bullet would still be traveling at this rate.

Trucy: How exactly are bullets related to each other anyway? Are they born in the same gun or something?

Edgeworth: I believe the author meant they were fired from the same gun.

Apollo: That's still a stupid analogy.

"So, who did ya aim at, dad?" asked Karl von Karma from the prosecution desk, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

"Ha, that's the thing, my son," replied Manfred von Robot. He smiled evilly. "I don't even KNOW who I aimed at! The bullet could kill John Phoenix, or it could kill one of his co-counsels. Personally, I hope it kills Phoenix Wright, my dreaded enemy, so that John Phoenix will feel much anguish and regret!"

Phoenix: Why would he feel that? This fic has continuously established that John thinks I'm an idiot and inferior to him!

Edgeworth: Plus, there's always the possibility that he missed with his aim. What would they do if it didn't hit anybody?

And the evil robot and his evil illegitimate son laughed, cheering the bullet on.

All hope seemed lost.

But the Judge, whose vision was better than perhaps anyone had ever suspected, because he could see into men's souls, noticed that John Phoenix was grinning. Grinning in his heart as well as his face. Grinning like someone who wasn't afraid of a bullet.

"Go on, young John Phoenix," whispered the Judge. "Go on, lad. I know you can do it. I can sense it in you. Find a way to turnabout this situation... stop that bullet in its tracks!"

Trucy: Ooh. So the judge has become John's old wise mentor?

Apollo: I think he would just be an old mentor.

The bullet was getting closer... time seemed to slow down...


But John Phoenix only smirked bigger. As John Phoenix's plans didn't involve getting killed or trapped in a bullet forever, he knew he must act. And act he did. He picked up a heavy legal tome. Then he did a flip over the desk just as the bullet was about to strike. When he judged he was exactly over the bullet he dropped the heavy book on it. The bullet, crushed underneath the weight of the book, fell to the floor, rendered harmless by John Phoenix's quick thinking and quicker action.

Apollo: Oh. So that's the stupid explanation they give for how they get out of it. Congratulations, author. I'm just as disappointed as I expected I'd be.

John Phoenix flipped once more in the air, because this was actually a double flip, and then landed on his feet as cool as a cucumber, or perhaps a cat, as cats are well-known to always land on their feet, and John Phoenix, displaying cat-like abilities, had landed on his feet.

Edgeworth: And now the author decided to pad out yet another sentence to demonstrate how much of a Mary Sue this character is.

Trucy: That still sounds like a cool move though.

"John Phoenix... that was amazing!" exclaimed Uncle Phoenix, exclaiming the obvious.

"Heh, come on, Wright, what did you expect?" asked Godot. "He's John Phoenix, you should expect this from him. Even though I've only known him for a few hours I know that he is no average kid... he's the greatest defense attorney who ever lived." Sips coffee.

Phoenix: Shouldn't he say that about Mia?

Apollo: To be fair, I guess I should expect some contrived, stupid way of getting out of a hopeless situation from this guy.

Manfred von Karma AKA Manfred von Robot merely laughed. Albeit nervously. "N-never mind! I still have more angel bullets!"

John Phoenix smirked. Smirking was one of his most famous facial expressions. "Hmph, but not that many more, von Robot!" He turned to Godot. "Godot, didn't you tell me, John Phoenix, on our way to LA that von Karma only had 1 magazine for the angel gun?"

"I did indeed," nodded Godot. "And it's a small magazine; it only holds 10 bullets. So assuming there was already a bullet in the chamber to begin with, von Karma couldn't possibly have more than 6 bullets, because he used on bullet earlier to kill your mother, whose murder you told me about on our way to LA, and he also used a bullet just now, plus he killed 3 geese, which St. Peter witnessed through a telescope, thus he could have no more than 6 bullets."

Phoenix: Wait, if he only had a limited amount of bullets, why'd he waste three of them on geese?!

Edgeworth: I think this story has shown that there's no common sense given to these characters.

"T-that sounds like a lot of bullets to me!" said Uncle Phoenix. He was hiding under the desk.

But just then a bunch of guards rushed into the courtroom!

"Guards?" said Manfred von Robot. "But how?"

"Easy, von Robot," replied the judge. "I pressed the secret button on my chair. It alerted the guards."

Apollo: Pretty high tech courtroom to have secret buttons like that on chairs. You could just say he had a silent alarm. That would work infinitely better.

There were 5 guards. They tried to arrest Manfred von Robot but he shot all of them and trapped their souls in bullets.

"G-good lord!" cried the judge.

John Phoenix's eyes narrowed. Time seemed to slow down as he observed the dead bodies. He had thought that he had already grown inured to death in his short life, and he had, because these corpses meant nothing to him. He thought it was good they were dead, cruel as that might sound, and he realized it sounded cruel, but his life simply mattered more than theirs. By dying, they had made John Phoenix not die, so he thanked these corpses, as he might thank a butter knife after he had used it to butter his toast. He hoped they would find peace in the hereafter.

Phoenix: Refresh my memory. Why are we supposed to be cheering for this character?

Trucy: Because protagonist reasons?

"So, von Robot, you still have a bullet left?" asked John Phoenix.

"Come over here and find out, why don't you?"

John Phoenix began walking forward calmly.

Edgeworth: If the author was competent, he'd use this opportunity to have this atrocity of a character shot and killed.

Apollo: But that probably won't happen because reasons.

"J-John Phoenix, be careful!" cried Uncle Phoenix, peeping out over the desk.

John Phoenix continued walking. "It's all right, Uncle Phoenix. Because I have my psychic powers."

"Objection," said Manfred von Robot. "I neutralized your powers, remember?"

"Ha." John Phoenix ripped off his tie and threw it aside!

"No!" screamed von Robot and Karl von Karma simultaneously (at the same time).

"Yes, von Robot! It was the tie, wasn't it? It was the only thing that changed since I had last used my powers. It was magic, wasn't it!" Before giving Manfred a chance to respond, he used his psychic powers to lift the robotic cube that housed von Karma's brain and bashed it against the walls and the ceiling, directing the movement of the cube with his arm.

Phoenix: A tie? does a tie allow someone to block psychic powers?!

Trucy: Didn't you read, Daddy? Magic!

Apollo: Doesn't make it any less dumb.

"Father! No!" roared Karl von Karma. He took out the remote control and made John Policeman attack John Phoenix.

"Brrzt... kill!" the robotic policeman warbled. It wrapped the discarded tie around John Phoenix's neck, blocking his psychic powers and also choking him. Von Robot fell to the floor with a crash.

John Phoenix almost died but then Uncle Phoenix and Godot teamed-up and knocked the robot to the ground!

Edgeworth: Hm. That's a first. The main character having to rely on others to save him.

Phoenix: At least he'll show appreciation for me, right?

"You okay, John Phoenix?" asked Uncle Phoenix. But John Phoenix merely pushed his uncle to the ground

Phoenix: ...or not.

and then flew, yes, flew, because he could fly all along, he only made Godot carry him because he hadn't felt like flying at the time; he flew toward Karl von Karma and socked him in the jaw!


Apollo: I guess we should've seen something like this coming.

Phoenix: Still painful to read. And again, where did these come from? The magic badge? And yet again I ask, if the badge is magic, WHY DID IT GIVE HIM POWERS AND NOT ME?!

Edgeworth: Wright, please calm down.

Phoenix: I'm sorry but this is really making me angry. This story degrades me, it makes me look like an idiot and fic-me's policy to this abuse coming from his nephew is to simply turn the other cheek. I like to think of myself as a reasonable guy but this is really pushing it! *pants* Whew. That was a lot to get off my chest.

"Ow," said Karl von Karma, and the remote flew out of his hand and landed into a fishbowl. There was the crackle of electricity and John Policeman blew up and his mechanical body parts scattered everywhere.

Trucy: Wait, when did the courtroom get a fishbowl?

Apollo: Maybe it's meant to keep the judge occupied?

Edgeworth: And simply destroying the remote shouldn't destroy the machine it's connected to.

Phoenix: Also, Larry should react much more to being punched in the jaw.

John Phoenix turned to von Robot. "Now to take care of you, you fiend..." The robotic cube was on its side. But when John Phoenix turned it over, the glass dome was cracked and the brain was missing!

The Judge came down and walked over to the others. "Hmm, looks like in all the confusion someone made off with von Robot's brain."

Edgeworth: Who could've had the opportunity to do that, exactly? It couldn't be Larry, because he was just punched.

Phoenix: Unless this fic is saying he quickly recovered and was able to evade even the Mary Sue that is John.

"Looks like," said Godot. "How much longer will von Robot escape justice...?"

"Um, why are you all calling him von Robot instead of von Karma...?" Uncle Phoenix asked. Everybody ignored him, especially John Phoenix, who was brooding. John Phoenix took the angel gun off of the robot carcass and tucked it into his pants.

Phoenix: *sighs* At this point, I'm just drained from watching fic-me get abused.

Trucy: There, there, Daddy. It's okay.

The dead bodies were removed, Karl von Karma was arrested and taken away, and the Judge delivered his verdict.

"I find the defendant Not Guilty!" Everybody cheered. Not that there were many people to cheer.

"Thank you so much for saving my daughter yet again, John Phoenix," thanked Uncle Phoenix.

"Of course. Just one more thing." John Phoenix walked over to Trucy and roundhouse-kicked her in the womb. She moaned and sank to her knees.

All: WHAT?!

Everybody was shocked. "J-John Phoenix!" exclaimed Uncle Phoenix. "Why did you kick her in the womb?" He tried to go over to assist her but John Phoenix body slammed his uncle to the ground and bounced his head against the floor!

"Foolish uncle! Stay back! She's dangerous! This isn't my cousin! It's an imposter!" He took off Trucy's hat and revealed Trucy's true identity: Franziska von Karma.


Phoenix: I'm pretty sure I'd be able to tell my own daughter from Franziska!

Trucy: Does this fic have something against Daddy and me?! All throughout this story, both of us are either abused, accused of murder, or put in danger!

"Hmph!" said Franziska von Karma. "Hmph!"

"You see," explained John Phoenix to the astonished onlookers, "she was the one who gave me that magical tie which took my powers away. So of course she wasn't the real Trucy."

So as you can see, the tie which John Phoenix received which seemingly had no bearing on the plot actually had a bearing on the plot and was actually an instrument of evil all along that had been given to him by Franziska von Karma who was actually Trucy being impersonated by Franziska von Karma all the time.

Edgeworth: Thank you, author, for spelling out what was already made obvious.

Apollo: I feel like my intelligence is being insulted by this author.

"But wait... if that's Franziska von Karma, then where is the real Trucy?" asked Uncle Phoenix stupidly.

Phoenix: But wait. That's actually a good question. Why'd it say "stupidly?" Why is everything in this fic against me?!

Edgeworth: I think you're overreacting a little, Wright.

Phoenix: Would you react the same way if you were being treated like this in the story?

Edgeworth: I don't know, because I'm not in this-

Just then Miles Edgeworth walked in with a sword.

"Hi" Miles Edgeworth said. "I'm Miles Edgeworth."

To be continued...

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: There. Now you get to see what it's like.

Edgeworth: *buries face in hands* Oh no. How will my characterization be destroyed?

Trucy: Ooh. You're armed to the teeth, Mr. Edgeworth! Nice sword!

Apollo: I don't think he's in the right mood to appreciate that, Trucy.

Edgeworth: They HAD to do it. They HAD to put me in this atrocious story! I could've been spared the experience of being in this monstrosity. Sure, it would still be painful to sit through but at least I wouldn't be directly insulted! BUT NOOOOO! The author just HAD TO RUIN MY DIGNITY BY SUBJECTING ME TO THIS!!

Phoenix: Look who's taking it too seriously, now.

Apollo: Both of you, please tone it down. Let's just proceed with the story.

Trucy: (Look who's telling who to tone it down.)

Chapter 16: John Phoenix Meets Edgeworth

Edgeworth: *bangs his head against the seat in front of him repeatedly*

Speakers: The Management would like to remind Miles Edgeworth that all sporkers must remain conscious for the duration of the sporking.

Edgeworth marched into the room swinging his arms wildly and almost cut off one of Phoenix's spikes.

Edgeworth: What the hell am even doing that for?!

Trucy: Maybe you're trying to show off your moves?

Edgeworth: Why would I feel the need to do that?!

Phoenix: And why target it at me?!

"Hey! Watch the hair!" cried Uncle Phoenix, ducking. "Edgeworth! What are you doing with that sword?"

"Sorry, force of habit." Edgeworth returned to sword to his scabbard. He was decked out in full military regalia and was wearing giant epaulets, tight knee-high leather boots, and a red beret.

Edgeworth: ...Why am I dressed like that? I'm not part of the military.

Apollo: Maybe the author decided to ruin your characterization by making you part of the military.

Edgeworth: Hmph.

You see, when the War broke out, Edgeworth immediately resigned from his position as district attorney and joined the military as a Military Prosecutor, because he was a true patriot. Basically, his duties consisted of prosecuting enemy officers for war crimes and making sure they got executed, and he also had to court-martial soldiers for things like cowardice or pillaging. So far he had killed 200 people.

Edgeworth: It appears I've been made out to be some sort of execution-hungry monster. Also, as much as I support our country, I wouldn't join the military.

"Why, Miles Edgeworth, what are you doing here?" asked the Judge. "Last I heard you were serving overseas."

"I thought that my presence was needed more on the homefront," replied Edgeworth. He launched into an explanation. "You see, I was performing aerial reconnaissance over an enemy POW camp in my personal biplane (The Edgeworth) when suddenly I received news over the radio that Manfred von Karma and Damon Gant had escaped heaven and murdered a woman named Mary Wright." He turned to Phoenix. "I hope, Wright, that she wasn't a relation of yours?"

Apollo: How egotistical do you have to be in order to name a biplane after yourself?

Phoenix: Actually, I could totally see Edgeworth doing that.

Edgeworth: Ignoring that...I thought it wasn't made clear that Von Karma and Gant murdered Mary. At least, it wasn't made clear to anyone except John.

Trucy: Yay, plotholes!

"She was my secret sister I learned about 2 months ago," replied Phoenix Wright sadly. "She was John Phoenix's mother."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Wright." He squeezed Wright's hands in his. "But at least she did a good job birthing your nephew before she died." Then he let go and resumed his story.

Phoenix: Gee, I bet fic-me feels REALLY comforted right now.

Edgeworth: And of course fic-me has to bring it back to the Mary Sue somehow.

"Anyway, I knew that Manfred von Karma mustn't be allowed to roam free, because he is a madman, and as his former protege, I felt that it was my personal duty to stop him. So, I ejected from my personal plane and activated my parachute and flew back to America. As I was being carried away by the wind I heard a tremendous explosion at my back, and I knew that my plane had crashed into the POW camp, just as I had planned. I had hoped to kill some of the guards and perchance give the POW's a chance to escape, but I soon realized that the anguished cries and moans of the dying men came not from foreigners, but from my fellow countrymen, because they were dying in English."

Trucy: Dying in English? Racist much?

Phoenix: Also, how does a parachute make you fly back to America?

Edgeworth: Also, very irresponsible for fic-me to abandon the plane and cause the deaths of American POWs.

Edgeworth continued. "I felt a slight pang of regret at having inadvertently caused these men's deaths, but then the dying POW's started singing 'The Star Spangled Banner'. It seems that they viewed death as a preferable alternative to the horrors and indignities of the camp. My heart swelled with pride, and I was glad that my plane had liberated them from their suffering. After all, death isn't so bad," he mused. "They died serving their country, and it's the duty of every American to always be ready and willing to lay down his life for his country."

Edgeworth: And now fic-me has turned into a nihilist.

"Hear, hear," said Godot, and everyone clapped appreciatively of Edgeworth and his brave conduct in the War.

Apollo: Such brave conduct from this guy. Including abandoning a plane and killing American soldiers! Truly something to be appreciative of.

Edgeworth: Even I hate fic-me at this point.

Except Phoenix Wright. "But... but that's crazy..." he said. "How could your parachute carry you all the way back to America?"

"It was easy. I simply allowed myself to be carried along by the trade-winds. Any more foolish questions?"

Phoenix: Except that's literally impossible if you were across an ocean.

Apollo: Chalk another one up to the stupid/illogical explanations this fic gives.

"No, forget it!" Phoenix exclaimed, shaking his head clear. "We have more important things to worry about. Manfred von Karma's brain escaped and Trucy is still missing. They must be hiding her someplace."

Godot pointed at Franziska. "I bet the wench knows where. She was working with von Robot after all."

Edgeworth: Franziska would never work with her father again.

Trucy: I almost hope they don't find me if it means I'm not part of this story anymore.

Edgeworth's eyebrows jumped off his face. "What? Franziska von Karma? You were working with Manfred?"

Edgeworth: What kind of a description is that?!

Phoenix: *chuckles*

"Hmph!" she replied. "Hmph! Hmph!"

Phoenix: And what kind of a reply is that?! She should at least be calling everyone fools.

"I'm afraid she'll be going away for a long time," said the Judge. "Impersonating a defendant is a serious crime."

"So is helping a kidnapper," added Phoenix Wright.

"As is giving me a tie that steals my psychic powers," chimed in John Phoenix, who had been quiet until now because he was still mad about losing his original tie, which he strongly suspected had never had a glass shard in it to begin with until one was planted by Franziska. Thankfully John Phoenix had managed to steal his uncle's tie while he was distracted, and then the Judge tied it for him.

Phoenix: You know what? I'd complain but that isn't even in the top five worst things that've been done to me in this fic.

Edgeworth walked over to Franziska going tsk-tsk. "Tsk, tsk, perhaps the prosecutor's office will decline to prosecute her. After all, she was only acting out because she was upset that I had used my influence as the Chief Army Lawyer to stop her from becoming a Military Prosecutor. I knew she wanted to serve, but it would simply be too dangerous. Besides, the Army Courts are no place for little girls."

"Well said," said Godot, who hated women.

Phoenix: Except...he doesn't hate women?

Trucy: And this fic is sexist! That's just rude!

"Hmph, well I apologize," said Franziska. "I was just so angry that you got to be a lawyer in the army and I didn't! When father escaped heaven, I was basically crazy, I was ready to go along with anything he said."

"It seems you are the foolish fool this time, Franziska," said Edgeworth intelligently.

"Just tell us where Manfred is!" demanded Phoenix.

"Very well," she replied. "The secret hideout is under the Judge's chair in the courtroom next door."

Phoenix: That's really the hideout?

Apollo: That's still stupid.

Phoenix started to run off but John Phoenix bodyblocked him. "Ow! John Phoenix-"

"Objection!" cried John Phoenix. "No. Von Robot and Gant aren't hiding out there anymore. I know, because I made a brilliant bluff!"

Phoenix stared stupidly. "Huh, what?"

To be continued...

Phoenix: My thoughts exactly! WHAT?

Apollo: What is even going on anymore?

Edgeworth: I think we lost track a while ago.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: That was probably the most painful one of these sessions so far.

Edgeworth: Agreed.

Trucy: How could this author possibly make this story worse?

Apollo: I'm sure they'll find a way. They always do.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title
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Hoo boy. The gang isn't going to get any rest after seeing that he uploaded a new episode. Then again, that just means more fun for us. :beef:

I may have a bit of a problem with my eyesight, but I'm preeeeeeetty sure he's not trying to pair Rayfa with JP, right? He's still 2 months old, so...

Btw, does anybody know any good ff with a good OC? The only I've seen so far is The Fated Turnabout.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Sky wrote:
Hoo boy. The gang isn't going to get any rest after seeing that he uploaded a new episode. Then again, that just means more fun for us. :beef:

I may have a bit of a problem with my eyesight, but I'm preeeeeeetty sure he's not trying to pair Rayfa with JP, right? He's still 2 months old, so...

Btw, does anybody know any good ff with a good OC? The only I've seen so far is The Fated Turnabout.

Czarthwomp has some fics featuring OCs. They don't have a starring role like TFT but they're still entertaining.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 10

Trucy: So, how do you feel about being in this story now, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: What do you think I feel?

Phoenix: At least your character has dignity.

Apollo: I'm just praying I'M not in this for the rest of the story.

Trucy: Well there's only one way to find out, Polly!

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 17: John Phoenix Vs. the Robots

Trucy: Ooh. Does this mean we get another action scene?

Apollo: If it's anything like the last one, I expect to be disappointed.

John Phoenix chuckled.

"Oh, of course, I only made that bluff in my head; you wouldn't know about it. In any case, I bluffed in my brain that I knew where the hideout was. I only made the bluff because earlier I had found a mind-reading device, about the size of a grain of rice, on my head." He presented it, carefully wrapped in a piece of tinfoil to prevent it from reading his mind.

Phoenix: Wait, what are they talking about?

Edgeworth: I believe in the last chapter, the group was discussing the location of Von Karma and Gant's hideout.

Phoenix: and when did the device even get on him? And how was he able to find it so easily?

Apollo: So many questions, so few or idiotic answers.

"I'll be a monkey's uncle," said Godot in wonder. "I can just barely make it out, but there's a name on that device... 'Merlin'..."

Edgeworth: So this fic will star a fictional wizard now?

Trucy: At least we see proper magic.

Apollo: Well that's good for you. For the rest of us, we're stuck reading a terrible story.

"That name is also on the angel gun and my uncle's badge as well," replied John Phoenix. "Anyway, rather than removing the device right away, I decided to trick von Robot and Gant, who undoubtedly planted the device, into thinking I knew the location of the secret hideout. That way, they might panic and abandon the hideout, thus exposing themselves and allowing me to capture them."'

Phoenix Wright was in despair. "But John Phoenix, if you hadn't done that, they'd still be in the hideout, and we could have captured them! You just made things worse. Now they could be anywhere."

Phoenix: Yet another good point made by fic-me! And I bet I'm gonna be scolded for it for no reason too.

"Wright, you fool-"

"Uncle Phoenix, you fool-"

Phoenix: See?

John Phoenix and Edgeworth paused and exchanged glances. "Oh, my bad, go ahead, John Phoenix," said Edgeworth respectfully, deferring to the brilliant young man whose exploits he had been following religiously in the military newspapers. He was a big fan.

Edgeworth: Because this was entirely necessary.

"Thank you, Miles," said John Phoenix. He addressed all those gathered, like a kindergarten teacher explaining some incredibly simple fact like red + blue = purple.

"Von Robot and whoever made off with his brain couldn't possibly have left the courthouse. They would have been spotted by Miles here. And even if they had managed to get past him unseen, my friend Shelly de Killer is watching the front entrance, and Matt Engarde is watching the back entrance, so I would know if von Robot left the court. You see, I broke Engarde out of prison with my psychic powers while on the train and reformed him. He and Shelly are friends now. I've armed both of them with high-powered assault rifles."

Phoenix: WAIT WHAT?! First he has Shelley de Killer as an assassin but now he's hiring MATT ENGARDE?!

Edgeworth: I'm surprised that he's even hiring someone like him in the first place. Shouldn't he be trying to convince Engarde to kill himself because he believes in the death penalty?

Phoenix: I'm...not sure if I would like that or hate it.

Apollo: It'd still be stupid.

Trucy: And how exactly would he break him out of jail from so far away?

"Good work, John Phoenix," said the Judge.

"I'm not sure I like that," Phoenix Wright gulped. "But I'll trust your judgement, John Phoenix. But if they didn't leave the courthouse, and they're not in the secret hideout, then where...?"

Phoenix: And fic-me is pretty accepting of this whole thing, isn't he?

Apollo: You expected a different reaction?

"Come, Uncle Phoenix, use your brain!" chided John Phoenix. "Obviously they must be the only place they can be AKA the roof!"

So John Phoenix, Uncle Phoenix, Edgeworth, Godot, Franziska, and the Judge decided to head for the roof. But first Edgeworth gave Gumshoe some orders.

"Go investigate the secret hideout, Gumshoe. You might discover something useful."

"But, sir, I'm not a detective anymore, sir; von Robot fired me," replied Gumshoe, who had been there all along, because he followed Edgeworth into the courtroom 2 chapters ago, but he hasn't been mentioned until now because he isn't important.

Trucy: Wow! Rude!

Apollo: How many times have you said that about how the author treats certain characters?

Trucy: Too many to count!

"Never mind, you're hired again," said Edgeworth, and he gave Gumshoe an official legal document that says Gumshoe is a detective.

Edgeworth: It's almost as if the firing of Gumshoe was completely pointless.

Apollo: How many pointless moments are in this story anyway?

Edgeworth: Too many to count.

So everybody except Gumshoe went to the stairwell and climbed to the roof.

"Huff, huff," huffed Phoenix Wright, who was canonically bad at climbing stairs. "Err, John Phoenix, do you think you could use your psychic powers and-"

"No," said John Phoenix, floating effortlessly up the stairwell. "How dare you ask me that?"

Trucy: Wow, Daddy. You have bad stamina.

Phoenix: How exactly am I canonically bad at climbing stairs?

Edgeworth: It wouldn't surprise me if you were.

Phoenix: Hey now! I'm in perfect shape!

Apollo: Really? Cause I heard Miss Fey tell me that you were knocked out for days because you held a prayer pose for a few seconds.

Phoenix: I didn't say I was flexible!

Eventually they made it to the roof. There, they found Damon Gant, Manfred von Robot, and a small army of John Policemans. Manfred's brain was in a new robotic chassis, and this one had rocket thrusters and laser guns.

Edgeworth: I don't suppose they'll explain where THAT came from. And why they even bothered with the first inferior body at all.

Phoenix: Also, didn't John use one of the pairs of handcuffs on who he thought was Gant earlier? If he's still alive, then that means that he just killed an innocent person.

Apollo: Our main hero, ladies and gentlemen!

"Welcome, John Phoenix, to your death," said Manfred's 3D head on the monitor. Gant took out a remote and activated the John Policemans. Their eyes turned red and they became evil. Phoenix Wright's badge began to glow.

"I believe now would be a good time to fuse, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix.

"Oh yeah, it's been one crazy thing after another lately, and I forgot all about that," Phoenix replied. John Phoenix touched the badge and the two men fused together and became Phoenix Phoenix.

Phoenix: How would fic-me easily forget about something like that? It's not something you easily forget.

Apollo: Well after being humiliated several times and losing your self esteem, it's easy to forget something like that. I know. I was subjected to Trucy's magic tricks. It was a pain.

Trucy: Don't say that, Polly! You were a star!

Apollo: The star laughing stock.

"W-what's this?" said von Robot in shock. "T-they became one person.. and they have a strange aura that incorporates the signature colors of both men... I am frightened by this aura, Gant."

"Don't worry, Manny, we've got this," replied Gant, and he pressed a button on the remote and it made the robots even more evil.

Edgeworth: Why do I have a hard time believing Von Karma would ever allow Gant to call him "Manny?"

Trucy: Maybe they're old friends.

Phoenix: One, Gant gives nicknames for everyone he meets. Two, I have a really hard time believing those two would last long in a friendship.

Then the battle began in earnest. The John Policeman robots rushed at our heroes. Phoenix Phoenix used his right hand, the one controlled by John Phoenix, and fired a blast of pure psychic energy at a John Policeman and blew up its head. Phoenix Phoenix, getting the idea, lifted his left hand, the one controlled by Uncle Phoenix, and shot off more energy blasts, but Phoenix Wright's energy blasts were weaker and not as big as John Phoenix's.

Phoenix: Wow. Even when I'm fused with the Mary Sue, the author still finds a way to degrade me.

Trucy: The action here is pretty interesting, I have to say.

Apollo: Nothing you couldn't find in a bunch of animes out there. And they're actually written well.

Manfred von Robot fired a laser at Edgeworth, but Edgeworth dodged it and held his sword up to the laser beam, which sharpened the blade as it passed by.

Edgeworth: Um...what? How does that work?

Trucy: Anime logic, duh!

"Hmph... how ironic," Edgeworth observed wisely, wisely observing the irony of the situation. "The laser merely sharpened my sword rather than killing me. How ironic." Then he used his laser-sharp sword expertly and with military precision to disember the John Policeman robots.

Damon Gant pressed a button on the side of his head and his eyes flew out. "Ha, surprised, Wright, or whoever you are?" Gant was also a robot now. "My eyes will make short work of you!" The eyes flew overhead and each fired a laser at Phoenix Phoenix.

Trucy: Um...can't say I've seen that in animes.

Phoenix: That's just...disturbing.

Edgeworth: And when did we ever get any indication that Gant wanted to become a robot?

Apollo: He didn't want Von Karma to overshadow him?

But the hand controlled by John Phoenix caught the laser!

"How!" screamed Gant. "That's... That's impossible!" Robotic tears of anger and frustration flowed freely from his empty eye sockets.

Edgeworth: ...You know what? I won't bother picking apart the logic in this part. It's too much trouble.

Phoenix: Wow. That's a first for you, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: I think I'm starting to develop Stockholm Syndrome.

Phoenix Phoenix smirked, but only with the right side of his face, so it looked like he'd had a stroke. "Catching this laser beam was simplicity in itself, Gant. You see, my aura slowed down the laser beam, and lasers can't kill you if they're frozen in time! Also my psychic powers allow me to hold it." Then Phoenix Phoenix handed the laser beam to the other hand and caught the 2nd laser.

"Don't you dare let me down, Uncle Phoenix," warned Phoenix Phoenix. Then Left Hand and Right Hand teamed-up and threw the laser beams at the same time. As the beams left the aura they sped up and destroyed both the robotic eyes!

Trucy: Epic!

Apollo: Stupid.

Phoenix: Degrading.

Edgeworth: Idiotic.

Gant stumbled around blindly. "My eyes! No!" Godot seized his chance. He flew over the robots and slapped God's magic handcuffs on Gant! A bolt of lightning struck Gant and he was reduced to ash, and his soul was sent back to heaven.

"Game over, Gant," said Godot in a fairly cool way, hovering over the battle. "But if this was Gant, then who was that other person John Phoenix handcuffed on the way to LA?" But before he could ponder this very interesting question any further, von Robot fired off two more lasers and made holes in his wings! Godot screamed and plummeted to the rooftop and got stepped on by all the John Policemans.

Edgeworth: At least the story is addressing the fact that the main character killed an innocent person.

Phoenix: Think we'll ever find out who it is?

Apollo: Doubt it.

"Damn, I've lost my son, my daughter, and now Gant!" said von Robot. "Now it's only me..." He decided now was the time to retreat. He activated the rocket engines and flew off into the sky.

Phoenix: I can't see Von Karma grieving over losing his family, let alone Gant.

Edgeworth: Perhaps he's upset that they can't be of any use to him.

Our heroes were finishing off the rest of the robots and Franziska was sitting on a John Policeman's chest and choking him to death with her whip when suddenly she looked up and saw her father making his escape.

Apollo: And how exactly do you choke a robot?

Trucy: Maybe she has a magic whip?

"Father!" she cried. "Get back here!"

"So long, fools!" he laughed.

Phoenix Phoenix shook his fist and called out, "What did you do with my daughter, you robotic monster!"

"I had Gant kill her, Wright, just like I had him kill Principal Buddy Johnson! So long!" He became a mere speck in the sky and was gone.

Trucy: Yay! I'm free from this story!

Apollo: Unless you decide to escape heaven and become a robot.

Trucy: Actually, that would be kinda cool.

Phoenix: Why are you defending this story, Trucy?

Trucy: Hey, someone has to!

Edgeworth: I suppose someone has to play devil's advocate here.

Phoenix Wright screamed in agony and Phoenix Phoenix split apart violently and uncle and nephew were flung in opposite directions.

"Damn you, von Karma!" Phoenix Wright beat his hands against the ground. "Damn you!" He was so enraged and devastated that he began ripping out pieces of the roof with his bare hands and eating them. He had basically gone insane.

Phoenix: What? That's just...what?

Trucy: I'm happy you love me that much, Daddy, but I think you're taking it a bit too far.

"No... I can't believe it..." muttered Franziska. "I can't believe father would kill a kid like that."

"Well, I hope you're happy, you bitch," said Godot. "You're also responsible for this. I'd go after him, but my wings are going to be out of commision for a while."

Edgeworth: Godot isn't exactly one to call women that.

Phoenix: Except maybe Dahlia Hawthorne.

Miles Edgeworth turned to John Phoenix. "John Phoenix, you can fly can't you?"

"Yes, by using my psychic powers on my clothes and shoes, I can lift myself off the ground."

"Well, why not go after von Karma? Maybe you can still catch him."

John Phoenix shook his head. "His rockets make him go far too fast. He's probably in another state already. I'd never catch up to him. Besides, I don't really feel like it."

Apollo: Wow. Such a responsible main character.

Phoenix: It's nothing new from this guy.

"It looks like von Robot has won for now," said the Judge sadly.

Everybody was sad over Trucy being dead, even John Phoenix, believe it or not, but then Gumshoe arrived on the roof with Trucy and another person.

Trucy: Aw. I thought I was free from this story.

Apollo: Seems I'm the only one spared from this story.

Phoenix: For now. You never know.

"Hey pals" said Gumshoe. "I found Trucy and this other guy tied up in the secret hideout." Overjoyed, Phoenix ran over and embraced his adopted daughter.

"So she's alive after all," said Godot. "But why did Manfred lie?"

"I suppose he wanted to commit one more act of pointless cruelty before he made his exit," replied Edgeworth. "He just said she was dead to hurt Wright's feelings."

Edgeworth: Pointless indeed.

Phoenix: At least the author knows it's pointless.

Edgeworth: That does not make things better.

The other person stepped forward. He was an extremely thin, nude old man in a wizard hat with a long white beard that obscured his genitals.

"Hello," the man said. "My name is Merlin."

To be continued...

All: *covers their eyes and reacts with disgust*


Phoenix: WHY?! JUST WHY?!



Trucy: That was just gross!

Phoenix: You said it. And why did he even need to be naked?

Edgeworth: Wait, I just realized. The story just said his name was Merlin. So that wizard is playing a major role in this story after all.

Apollo: Maybe we can get some satisfying answers.

Phoenix: Knowing this fic's track record, it'll just be answers. Disappointing answers.

Chapter 18: John Phoenix and the Mystery of His Uncle's Badge

A few days after the trial and Manfred von Robot's escape, John Phoenix, Phoenix Wright, and Edgeworth were at the Borscht Bowl Club helping Merlin reintegrate into society, because he had revealed to them that he was, in fact, an immortal wizard who had spent the last 2000 years living in a cave.

Edgeworth: That would be a pretty hard thing to do, considering everything that's happened in 2000 years.

"You see," Merlin explained, in wizard hat and robe, "I create magical objects for powerful people. That angel gun is also an invention of mine. God commissioned to me to make it. I make all the weapons for heaven and I also designed heaven's security system."

Apollo: Why exactly would that be commissioned? What good does it do for them if it can be used against them?

Phoenix: And will we get an answer for where he came from or why he's a wizard?

Trucy: I doubt it.

"I see," Edgeworth said, having seen, and heard. "So am I correct in assuming that you also made those robots we fought?"

"I'm sorry, but yes. Von Karma and Gant kidnapped me and forced me to turn them into robots and build them an army. I wouldn't have gone along with their devious plans if it had only been my own life at stake, but they also threatened to kill that girl as well. So I had no choice."

Trucy: At least Merlin is kind enough to care about me.

Phoenix: But wait, he's immortal. How would they kill him?

Edgeworth: Perhaps that angel gun?

Apollo: Oh right. The thing whose existence makes no logical sense.

"All right, I get why you made all that stuff for them," said Phoenix Wright, "but why did did you make my badge?"

Merlin examined the badge. "Yes, this is indeed a magic badge, but I didn't make it for you. I made it 20 years ago for a man named Buddy Johnson. I don't know how he found me, but at the time I assumed he must have been a friend of God's and God had told him about me, so I gave him what he wanted... a magic badge."

John Phoenix paused, looking up from the piano (on which he had been playing, beautifully and without effort, an original composition he had written in 5 minutes, even though the song was 7 minutes long), and asked, "Wait, Buddy Johnson? You mean Principal Buddy Johnson?"

Phoenix: *buries face in hands* You know that's a thinnly veiled shot at my piano playing.

Edgeworth: Also, how convenient that it should end up in Wright's hands.

Trucy: Contrivance at its best!

"He wasn't a principal when I met him," Merlin replied. "He was a defense attorney."

"That's weird," Phoenix said. "I never knew he was a defense attorney. Maybe you're just mistaken."

John Phoenix stood up. "There's an easy way to verify that, Uncle Phoenix," he said. "We'll simply go to the courthouse and check The Big Book of Lawyers. It contains the names of all the lawyers who've ever practiced law in this state. If there is a Buddy Johnson in the book, we'll see if his birthdate and blood-type match up to our own Buddy Johnson."

Apollo: Big book of lawyers? What kind of book is that?

Phoenix: Also, couldn't they just do a background search on this guy online so you don't have to look through that book?

Edgeworth looked amused at Wright's dumbfounded expression. "Don't tell me you didn't know about the Big Book of Lawyers, Wright?"

"Of course I knew about it!" Wright snapped. "I went to law school, didn't I? I... I've just never had a reason to consult it, so obviously it didn't spring to mind right away."


Apollo: Will this fic ever give you a break, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: Doubt it.

So John Phoenix, Wright, and Edgeworth gave Merlin their unused drink tickets so he could continue to reintegrate into human society, then they went to the district court's legal library to uncover the mystery behind Uncle Phoenix's badge.

Phoenix: Because that's the way to help integrate a 2000 year old wizard into society; getting him drunk!

Edgeworth: Especially one that could still provide them valuable information.

As the three men ascended the steps to the courthouse some girls started screaming and tried to date John Phoenix but he just spit on them and continued walking.

Trucy: Does this fic just hate girls?

Apollo: Wouldn't surprise me.

In the law library they met the librarian, the Judge's sister, who looked a lot like the judge except she had hair and didn't have a beard. She was also a woman. She found the book they were looking for and dropped it on a desk.

Apollo: Really? We couldn't tell that she was a woman. Thanks for clearing that up, author.

"Whew, there you go! Over 200 pounds of different attorneys and all the relevant information about them. Let me know if you need anything else!"

She left them. John Phoenix sat down and opened the book and Miles and Phoenix Wright looked over his shoulders.

"Let's see..." John Phoenix said. "Hm, it seems that the entire ''J" section has been removed!"

Phoenix: And how exactly would someone be able to get away with that without being spotted by security cameras or caught by guards?

Edgeworth: The magic of bad writing.

Trucy: Aha! You're starting to believe in magic, Mr. Edgeworth!

"Someone must want to keep us in the dark about Buddy Johnson's past," remarked Edgeworth. Just then Uncle Phoenix's ringtone started playing.

Beep. "Hello...?"

"Daddy, help! My school bus has been hijacked by Neo Nazis! And they've filled the bus with enough bombs to blow up the whole city! They're heading for town hall right now! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!" Beep.

Phoenix: Where the heck did this come from?!

Trucy: And why am I being taken hostage yet again?!

Phoenix Wright was upset. "Oh no! Trucy? Trucy? Are you there?" She's wasn't, because the Neo Nazis had taken her phone away and hung up.

"We must call the police immediately!" cried Edgeworth, but John Phoenix slapped the phone out of his hand and stomped on it.

Phoenix Wright held his cellphone to his ear. "John Phoenix, what's the matter with you?!" John Phoenix did a high kick and sent his his uncle's phone flying into the ceiling where it shattered into a million pieces.

Edgeworth: Again, main character we're supposed to be rooting for does something terrible.

Phoenix: Eh, I needed an upgrade anyway.

"No," said John Phoenix angrily. "No police. They are worthless. Leave everything to me. The police would only get in the way." John Phoenix then dived through the window, shattering the glass, and ran off to confront the school bus that had been corrupted by the poisonous Neo Nazi ideology.

"There goes the greatest defense attorney to ever live," murmured Edgeworth. Phoenix Wright couldn't help but agree. He just hoped John Phoenix knew what he was doing...

Apollo: That's an unexpected way to look at the guy who destroyed your phones and ran off.

Phoenix: This fic is unrealistic. Tell me something I don't know.

[The lights turn on.]

Trucy: Is it just me or is this fic getting worse and worse with every chapter?

Phoenix: I don't think it's just you, Trucy.

Apollo: Please tell me we're close to the end.

Speakers: If the author is correct in his estimation of how many chapters this has, you're a little over halfway done.

All: *groan*

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 11

Edgeworth: I honestly don't know how this story could get any worse.

Phoenix: That's what we've been saying all this time and yet it finds a way.

Apollo: I'd honestly rather be reading a case by Jakkid or barrylawn.

Trucy: I'm trying my best to point out the good qualities here but it's just so hard!

Speakers: It's hard, we know, but you'll get through it. You've gotten through worse.

Phoenix: You're not helping here!

Speakers: It's not our job to help.

Apollo: We've gotten this far. Might as well see it through.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 19: John Phoenix Vs. Neo-Nazis & Schoolbus

A/N Anyone else get frustrated with fics that rely too much on swear words and s*x? The authors of those stories should try to be more family friendly like "The Adventures of John Phoenix".

Apollo: Because this fic, which has discussions about the death penalty, swearing, illogical circumstances, and a naked old man two chapters ago is CLEARLY family friendly!

Phoenix: Aren't our games rated T or M? How is that family friendly?

Speakers: Fourth wall, Phoenix Wright. Fourth wall.

Phoenix: *mutters* Just saying.

John Phoenix used his feet to hit the ground with his feet which made his legs run very fast to the court parking lot, where Matt Engarde was waiting for him on a motorcycle (it wasn't the same motorcycle that had been in Engarde's living room in 2-4; this was a new, much better motorcycle that was a personal gift from John Phoenix.)

Edgeworth: The author still feels the need to pretend that Matt Engarde isn't a murderer?

Phoenix: Ugh. Just...ugh.

Trucy: When did John get the time and money to give him a motorcycle?

"Master, I received a psychic communication from you, what's up?" asked Matt Engarde.

"'What's up?'" repeated John Phoenix. "Do you think that's an appropriate way to greet the man who broke you out of prison, and who continues to tolerate your worthless existence just enough to allow you keep breathing his air?"

Engarde gulped. "S-sorry, master."

Phoenix: Why tolerate his existence at all?! Why did this main character feel the need to kill others but not him?!

Edgeworth: I'm more surprised that this character got Shelley de Killer to stop going after him. As someone who's dealt with him on multiple occasions, I can guarantee you that it is nigh impossible.

Apollo: How many impossibilities is this now? We've gotta be up to at least thirty.

"Ha, lighten up, I'm just ribbing you. We're 'friends', after all. In any case, did you bring the gun I requested?"

"Of course, master." Matt Engarde climbed off the motorcycle and opened a long case on the side and took out John Phoenix's custom M16 with extended magazine, pump-action grenade launcher, laser dot scope, and a special barrel that made the bullets go faster and kill people harder than most other barrels.

Edgeworth: And where exactly did that come from? It's not like M16's are just available for people to buy at any time, especially custom made ones like that.

Phoenix: Probably more of those "psychic connections." Also, why is John treating this guy better than he treats his own family in this story?!

Apollo: I can kinda relate. For a long time, I resented Dhurke for sending me away.

Phoenix: Yeah, but in this story, he has literally no reason to hate me or Trucy.

Trucy: Maybe he's jealous of something?

Phoenix: Jealous of what? He thinks himself superior to everyone and everything, he has psychic powers that came from a magic badge, which still doesn't explain why I don't have those same powers, and Trucy and I have been shown to constantly support him!

Edgeworth: I don't think it's just this character that hates you, Wright. It's the entire story.

John Phoenix put on the gun strap and examined the weapon. He nodded in approbation. "Yes, I can see that you had this gun made to my exact specifications. Nice work. Now resume being on a motorcycle, Matt; it's time for you to prove to me that you have indeed turned over a new leaf."

Matt Engarde mounted his motorcycle and revved the engine. John Phoenix got on the back but he didn't wrap his arms around Matt; that would have been unnecessary human contact. Besides, John Phoenix was perfectly capable of staying on a motorcycle using only his legs.

Apollo: Didn't an earlier chapter say he could fly? Why doesn't he just do that?

Phoenix: Probably because he "didn't feel like it." Main character, everyone!

"Where are we going, sir?"

"Head towards town hall. There's a school bus there I have to shoot up."


Edgeworth: When you take the school bus line out of context, that gives some pretty damning implications.

Trucy: Why didn't Mr. Engarde question why he was doing it?

The motorcycle roared off. Up ahead was a lot of traffic and blaring horns.

"Damn gridlock," said Engarde. "This city sucks."

"Idiot, just go OVER IT!" John Phoenix yelled, inwardly cursing his subordinate's incompetence and lack of problem solving.

Phoenix: One, that's still better than he treats me. Two, are they seriously saying he should do a motorcycle jump over traffic?

So Engarde rode his motorcycle up a board leaning against an oil drum and the motorcycle sailed through the air and landed on the power lines and proceeded to drive on them. The motorcycle wheels were very precise motorcycle wheels designed by experts so this was not at all hard for the motorcycle to do.

All except Trucy: *facepalm*

Trucy: Why aren't the police stopping them or anything?

Apollo: I suppose the police would be too stunned to do anything at that point.

Phoenix: Understandable. I know I would be.

As they rode easily over the traffic people pointed and clapped. Matt Engarde waved but John Phoenix remained coolly detached. A man named HoboSeven watched their progress and couldn't help but wonder whether John Phoenix fucked.

Phoenix: Um...what? Who the heck is HoboSeven?

Speakers: Apparently, they're a reviewer that left a positive review of this story on Also, they made a John Phoenix fanfiction.

Edgeworth: So the author is shamelessly putting in other reviewers into their own story? Class act.

Apollo: Not to mention lazy.

Phoenix: And pointless.

Trucy: And why exactly would that guy think something like that?

Phoenix: I don't think we wanna find out.

Anyway eventually they got past the traffic (it had been caused by a bunch of wrecked cars and dead bodies in the road; the work of the neo-Nazis?) and then there were sirens and flashing lights behind them and a police car started following them.

"Don't worry, John Phoenix," said one of the two policemen over a megaphone, "we're here to give you backup. We'll help get your cousin back safe and sound!"

Edgeworth: And not because you broke several laws by doing that dangerous stunt back there!

Apollo: Didn't he say in the last chapter he didn't want any police?

But John Phoenix was annoyed. He didn't need any help; these police officers would only get in his way. Besides, John Phoenix knew that the police officers might get killed by the Nazis, and John Phoenix wouldn't want that, so to protect the officers' lives he fired a grenade through their windshield and it blew up and the car went out of control and flipped several times in the air before crashing through the plate glass window of a bank. A fireball billowed out the window and people inside screamed.

Apollo: ...oh.

Phoenix: And he just injured and/or killed several innocent people!

Edgeworth: Wouldn't be the first time he's ever done anything like that.

Trucy: And how exactly is that protecting the officers?!

John Phoenix couldn't help but smirk, because he knew that he had exploded the grenade in such a way that neither of the men were dead, merely severely injured or at worst paralyzed for life, but the latter seemed fairly unlikely.

Phoenix: And I'm willing to bet that despite all this, he'll face no consequences whatsoever.

Edgeworth: If this story was any more insulting to the average human's intelligence, it would be showing the officers THANKING him.

"Nice shot, sir," said Matt Engarde.

"I know. Now where's the lube, Matt?"

John Phoenix poured a bottle of lube down the barrel of his gun so that the bullets would go even faster. He had a feeling he would need the extra speed.

Apollo: I...don't think that's how that works.

Trucy: They didn't even show him getting the lube out!

Now they had caught up with the school bus. It was covered with barbed wire and there was a guillotine blade affixed to the grill. One of the seven nazis inside was patrolling the bus and making sure none of the frightened kids caused trouble. Then he looked out of the window and saw the motorcycle.

"Hey, Steve, there's some guys on a motorcycle driving on the cables up there!" Bob called out.

"Yeah, and they have guns!" said another nazi.

Trucy: Huh. I figured these guys would have more creative names than "Steve" or "Bob."

Apollo: Come to think of it, all the OCs in this story have very generic names, don't they? John, Mary, Steve, Bob. Why those names?

The nazi leader took a quick glance and then went back to driving the bus. "That's John Phoenix..." Steve Nazi licked his lips. He was shaking and his eyes were bloodshot from doing illegal drugs. "This could be, uh, a problem." He had changed his name to "Nazi" to show his dedication to being a Nazi.

Phoenix: So people can pick and choose last names like nothing at this point? If it shows their dedication to something, should I change my name to Phoenix Attorney?

Edgeworth: Or mine to Miles Prosecutor?

Apollo: Or mine to Apollo Attorney?

Trucy: That would imply you and Daddy were related.

Apollo: At least I know he couldn't be my father now. Things would get really weird if I found out I was related to the guy I worked for.

Phoenix: Yeah...that would be...weird. (I really need to get around to telling them sometime.)

"Steve look, there's that guy who sentenced you to jail," said Bob. The judge's Canadian brother was in the crosswalk up ahead.

Apollo: Wait, the judge has a brother?

Edgeworth: Indeed he does. I've played a role in two cases he's presided over. He doesn't seem to be sure about much.

Phoenix: That's what I've heard.

Steve Nazi's hands gripped the wheel tightly. "Fuck Canada..." he whispered through gritted teeth. He slammed down on the gas pedal. The bus lurched forward and the guillotine blade sliced the judge in half and the top half landed on the hood and the bottom half went under the bus.

Trucy: Family friendly story indeed!

"How do you feel aboot THAT, you fucking old loser?" muttered Steve.

Apollo: I don't think he can answer you. He's dead.

John Phoenix bristled at this xenophobia, and also at the unnecessary swear words. "Engarde, take us down," he commanded. "It's time bin this garbage."

Phoenix: What did he say?

Trucy: I think he forgot say the word "to."

Apollo: So killing or injuring innocent people is okay to him but xenophobia and swear words are a no-no?

Edgeworth: This story certainly has questionable morals.

The motorcycle jumped off the power lines and pulled up alongside the bus. Bob grinned at John Phoenix.

"Bye bye, Johnny boy!" He fired his rifle out the window, but John Phoenix snapped off a round with his custom M16, and his bullet met the Nazi's in the air, and John Phoenix's bullet was so much more powerful and better than the Nazi's bullet that it pushed the bullet backwards and into the Nazi's forehead. The combined force of both his own bullet and John Phoenix's caused the Nazi's head to blow up like a watermelon filled with kool-aid. Children screamed as they were showered with blood and brain matter.

All: *staring at the screen in shock*

Apollo: This is both stupid and disturbing!

"Don't go losing your head," John Phoenix remarked cleverly. Steve Nazi's eyes bulged out as he stared ahead. He tried to run the motorcycle off the road and Engarde was forced to take evasive action.

Trucy: BOOOOO! Pick a better one-liner!

Edgeworth: I don't think anything would've been a good remark here.

"Darn it," said John Phoenix. "These foolish children keep getting in the way. I can't get a clear shot." Suddenly his eyeballs alighted on the Canadian judge's intestines slapping against the side of the bus.

"Bring us just a little closer, Matt!" Matt did, and then John Phoenix performed a heroic leap and grabbed the judge's intestinal tract. He planted both feet on the side of the bus and used the intestines to pull himself onto the hood.

Phoenix: When did this guy learn to do all these stunts?

Trucy: I know I said I liked the action scenes but this is just disturbing.

[John kills the gang, saving Steve for last.]

"You'll make a great chew toy for Cerberus, scumbag," said John Phoenix. Then John Phoenix held Steve's face against the road until all the skin had come off his face and he died. John Phoenix held up the corpse. A skull with a dirty mullet grinned at him.

Edgeworth: One, this is still disturbing. Two, are we adding Greek mythology in this story for no reason?

Phoenix: Well we already put in Merlin the wizard. Why not?

"Now this is what I call a face-off," John Phoenix said. You might think he was making a quip, but no. He was dead serious. That is really what he called a face off.

John Phoenix threw the corpse back into the bus with disdain. "Now time to take care of this bus." He fired a grenade and it bounced around in the aisle. Then he backflipped to safety as the grenade blew up and the bus fell on its side and continued moving down the street while sending out a shower of sparks as it scraped the ground. Then it slowed to a stop.

Apollo: And he just blew up a bus with a bunch of kids inside! Why does he love killing innocent people?!

Phoenix: Knowing this story, I'm willing to bet they say the kids survive.

Trucy: Shame, because I would still be in the story if that were the case.

John Phoenix folded his arms and observed his handiwork, not unpleased. Matt Engarde pulled up next to him on the motorcycle.

"Not bad," said Engarde.

"Indeed, Matthew. Indeed."

A bunch of police cruisers arrived and so did Uncle Phoenix and Edgeworth on a tandem bicycle. Then some children started climbing out of the bus.


"Survivors!" screamed Engarde. He raised his Uzi but John Phoenix slapped him.

"Those are just some children, you fool. I stopped the bus in such a way that none of them were injured and none of the bombs inside the bus went off."


Edgeworth: This is just impossible.

But then Trucy ran out of the bus and she had a bomb strapped to her chest! Everyone gasped (except John Phoenix).

"Ahhhh help me!" The digital display was counting down. 10... 9...

John Phoenix quickly did a leg-sweep and knocked her to the ground. He shouldered his custom M16 and aimed at his cousin's chest.

"John Phoenix, no!" cried Uncle Phoenix.

But John Phoenix ignored this foolish blubbering. A solitary bead of sweat appeared on his forehead but he sucked it back in.

3.. 2...

He aimed...


Ka-pow! The perfectly aimed bullet hit the bomb in just the right way and the bomb was disabled. The lock was released and Trucy took the vest off. Phoenix Wright helped her to her feet and sobbed like a pathetic baby.


Trucy: I think there are better ways to solve this problem.

"Brilliant work, young John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "You demonstrated uncommon bravery and skill today. I wouldn't be surprised if you got a Medal of Honor out of all this." John Phoenix just yawned. Edgeworth picked up the bomb vest and examined it.

Edgeworth: Except the Medal of Honor is only awarded to members of the military so there's no way he could possibly receive it.

Phoenix: Oh, I'm sure this fic will find a way to give it to him anyway.

Apollo: Also, let's not address the fact that he recklessly attempted stunts on a motorcycle, threw two grenades into public areas, possibly risking people's lives.

"Why... this..." began Edgeworth. "I've seen this kind of bomb before. It's common among the suicide bombers I've encountered overseas. What were these men doing with it?"

Suddenly Steve Nazi's corpse fell off a stretcher.

"Whoops," said an ambulance guy. The sheet had fallen off and revealed Steve's bare chest. And on his chest was a strange tattoo.

"Wait a minute!" said Edgeworth. "That tattoo... it's the symbol of the Khurainese Republican Army... these men aren't just neo-Nazis and domestic terrorists! They are also foreign terrorists who are also neo-Nazis! What's going on here?"

Apollo: Wait what?! That's not a thing!

Trucy: If these guys were from Khur'ain, shouldn't they have names that fit into some kind of pun?

Apollo: Not everyone in Khur'ain has names like that, Trucy.

Before anyone could respond, Gumshoe emerged from the bus. "Hey, Mr. Edgeworth, I just found an invoice for the bomb vest inside the bus. And it was issued to... Phoenix Wright!"

To be continued...

Phoenix: Wait what?! This fic is accusing me of being a terrorist?!

Edgeworth: I suppose it fits with the theme of you being this fic's punching bag.

Phoenix: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Phoenix: *dejectedly* I can't...I can't take this anymore.

Trucy: Cheer up, Daddy! We can do this!

Phoenix: I wish we could but this is just...too much for me.

Edgeworth: Wright. Look at me.

Phoenix: *slowly looks up at Edgeworth*

Edgeworth: You're Phoenix Wright. You've been through hell and back before, surviving a psychotic girlfriend, saving me from myself, amnesia, a burning bridge, a freezing river, disbarment, a hostage crisis involving your daughter, and helping liberate a nation. Will you let one idiotic story be your downfall?

Apollo: Remember, Mr. Wright. A dragon never yields.

Phoenix: ...

Trucy: We're here for you, Daddy.

Phoenix: *sighs and slowly gathers himself* Okay. Let's do this.

Edgeworth: *places his hand on Phoenix's shoulder* That's the spirit, Wright. We're all in this together.

Chapter 20: John Phoenix and the Meeting

John Phoenix, Edgeworth, Godot, and Merlin were having a meeting at The Wright Anything Agency. John Phoenix's manservant Matt Engarde was serving drinks, and John Phoenix's secretary Shelly de Killer was screening calls. There had been a lot of hateful calls to the agency lately, because Phoenix Wright had been arrested for orchestrating the bus hijacking and the attempt to bomb city hall. The front page of the newspaper on the coffee table read "JOHN PHOENIX'S UNCLE ARRESTED ON TERRORISM CHARGES" in giant print. There was also a picture of the Judge at his brother's funeral, and underneath was a quote: "He always seemed like a terrorist to me."

Phoenix: You'd think this story would have the decency to address me by name in the paper.

Edgeworth: Also, the judge would never say that about Wright.

Phoenix: And why is de Killer a secretary?

"This is absurd!" cried Edgeworth. "I've known Wright all my life, and the man would never align himself with foreign agents or betray his country like this. The invoice was obviously meant to frame him."

"I agree, Miles," nodded John Phoenix. "I know for a fact that the invoice was fake, because according to the invoice my uncle ordered the bomb at the exact time he was with me in Kurain village. He has an alibi which can be confirmed by none other than me, John Phoenix."

"Then why the hell was he arrested?" asked Godot. He had just left the hospital and his wings were still in casts.

Edgeworth: My thoughts exactly. His testimony should be enough to free Wright.

Phoenix: I hate to say I'd have to rely on this main character, but yeah!

"Because when the police searched his apartment they found terrorist training manuals and a portrait of the KRA general over his bed. They believe that my uncle hates America and that his efforts to destabilize the country go back many years, perhaps to when he first became a defense attorney."

Phoenix: When exactly did that happen? I didn't have those thoughts!

Apollo: Knowing this story, I'm sure they'll give you some stupid reason as to why.

Edgeworth dashed his dainty little cup to the floor. Engarde moved to sweep up the glass.

"No! I refuse to believe this.. this... nonsense!" exclaimed Edgeworth. "I've been in Wright's bedroom dozens of times over the years and I've never seen anything to suggest he is a Nazi or a terrorist!"

All: ...

Trucy: *opens mouth*

Phoenix: Trucy.

Trucy: Yeah?

Phoenix: Whatever you were going to say, it should probably stay inside of you.

Edgeworth: Better yet, it should probably never be inside you at all.

Trucy: Point taken.

"It doesn't matter. The police also found a manifesto in his pillowcase. It's entitled 'Why I hate America and I'm a Terrorist: A Manifesto by Phoenix Wright'. It outlines his plan to recruit neo-Nazis to the Khurainese Republican Army cause and to cause widespread terror by hijacking school buses and blowing up important places like city halls and Mt. Rushmore."

Apollo: Shouldn't the police realize that that's a stupid thing for anyone to keep around them and come to the conclusion Mr. Wright was framed?

Phoenix: I think you give the police force too much credit in this story.

Merlin was confused. "But wait a tick, my boy. Just what is this... Khurainese Republican Army?"

"Really?" sighed John Phoenix. "I know you've been cooped up in cave for the last 2000 years, Merlin, but really?" He jerked his head. "Miles, if you will?"

Trucy: Why is he surprised? If I were away from society for that long, I'd have a hard time figuring out what he was talking about.

Apollo: Probably another case of the "I'm-superior-to-everyone-and-everything" syndrome this main character has.

"Oh? Oh, the Khurainese Republican Army is one of the factions fighting for control of the country of Khurain right now. They're opposed by the Khurainese Democratic Army, and both of those armies are opposed by the Royalists, i.e. the Royal Family and the provinces loyal to them. America is aligned with the Royalists. Anyway, the fighting in the country has spilled over the borders and destabilised the entire region. The KRA has taken over several neighboring countries and committed numerous human rights violations."

Phoenix: Why even bother having a Khurainese Democratic Army in the first place if they're not important?

Edgeworth: I can't say I'm certain but it's possible this is supposed to be a metaphor on the American political parties.

Phoenix: that case, I won't even bother going into detail about that.

Everyone else: Agreed.

Merlin stroked his beard. "I see.. most illuminating..."

"Anyway," continued John Phoenix, "the manifesto goes on to say that my uncle was planning to defect to Khurain and share America's secrets with the KRA."

"That's a laugh," said Edgeworth, but he didn't laugh. "No one would trust Wright with any secrets worth keeping. That manifesto was obviously not written by the real Phoenix Wright!"

Phoenix: Hey! I can keep secrets just fine!

Trucy: Really? What kinds of secrets, Daddy?

Phoenix: Well if I told you, then they wouldn't be secrets anymore, would they?

Apollo: You don't have any secrets, do you?

Phoenix: Oh...I have plenty.

Edgeworth: (Why do I get a strange feeling about that statement?)

"But the handwrighting was analyzed by an expert," replied John Phoenix. "And what's more, that expert was a robot. It was determined with an accuracy of 100% that the manifesto was written by my uncle."

Merlin looked disturbed.

"You got something you wanna tell us, geezer?" asked Godot. "You look upset."

"Well... you're going to hate me for this, but I believe one of my inventions could be responsible. You see, many years ago I designed a special pen that could perfectly copy the handwrighting of any person on Earth. If your uncle is truly innocent, then the real culprit must have used my magic pen."

"Merlin! Tell us who you made the pen for at once!" ordered Edgeworth.

"Ahem... well...I actually made it for St. Peter, oh, some thousands of years ago."

"What?" said Edgeworth. "But why would St. Peter want something like that?"

"Objection," said John Phoenix. "Obviously so he can sign the names of people who have lost their hands into the check-in book at the Pearly Gates. Am I right?"

"Oh yes, exactly, John," said Merlin. "The pen was to be used for good, not evil. And I don't believe St. Peter is running around trying to frame your uncle, so the pen must have fallen into the wrong hands somehow..."

Phoenix: How exactly would a pen like that get away from heaven?

Edgeworth: They'll probably say Von Karma and Gant took it with them or something.

Apollo: Still stupid.

Suddenly Godot's pager went off. He stood up. "Well, it looks like I'm wanted back in heaven. I wouldn't be much help to you guys anyway, with my broken wings. Heh, at least I got Gant..."

"But wait, did Gant's soul go to heaven?" asked Edgeworth. "Do robots have souls?"

"Heh, well, he wasn't exactly what is strictly termed a robot, he was more of a cyborg. But yes, he had a soul, and it went to heaven." Godot pressed a button on his pager and he began to fade away. "I'll ask God and St. Peter about the pen. Hopefully you guys can get Wright out of this mess." He tossed the handcuffs to John Phoenix. "Hang onto those. And remember, as long von Robot doesn't have hands, you won't be able to send him back to heaven." He disappeared.

Trucy: Wait, angels have pagers?

Phoenix: And why'd he just trust John with the handcuffs? Didn't he use them on an innocent person earlier?

Edgeworth: I think the fic is trying to make us forget about that.

Apollo: Well it's not working.

The men were all silent for a moment. Then Edgeworth said: "von Robot... He's still out there. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if he were behind all this." Suddenly he had an idea. "John Phoenix, why not use your psychic powers to read von Robot's mind? Find out where he is?"

"You obviously have no idea what you're talking about, Miles. One, I can't read von Robot's mind because he is in a protective robotic shell. Two, I can only communicate with people who choose to let me into their minds. Much like how a vampire can only enter your house if you invite him in..."

Edgeworth: Then why exactly would anyone let an unknown person into their mind? I know I wouldn't.

Trucy: Also, are they saying that John is a vampire?

Apollo: I think that's just a comparison.

Phoenix: Though with the way this story is sucking out my dignity, I wouldn't be surprised if he was.

So now you know how John Phoenix's powers work.

Edgeworth: No we don't because he seems to develop more powers on the fly.

Just then Trucy burst into the room. "John Phoenix! A letter just came from Khurain! It's from Apollo and he's in a POW camp!"

Apollo: OH COME ON!!!

Phoenix: Hey, welcome to the club, Apollo.


Edgeworth: Please tone it down, Mr. Justice.

Apollo: Sorry. It's just...I REALLY didn't wanna be put in this story.

Edgeworth: None of us did. But like we said earlier, no turning back now.


Apollo: Wait, they're putting me in the story and they won't even bother explaining it further?!

Trucy: I figured you'd like that better.

Apollo: At least there's something added to the rest of your characters. All I have is being captured. That's it.

Phoenix: Is it really as bad as what I have?

Apollo: Um...maybe not. But still!

Godot re-appeared in heaven.

"Whoa nelly, what's happened here?"

Everything was wrecked and trash cans were on fire. A burned out car was parked in the middle of the street.

Before Godot could do anything, what felt like a jumbo jet collided with the back of his head. He collapsed.

Before he lost consciousness, he heard a voice: "Sorry, Godot, but I'm afraid heaven is under new management now."

To be continued...

Phoenix: Wait what?! When did this happen?! HOW did this happen?!

Edgeworth: I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Von Karma probably somehow gained the power to take over the entire kingdom of heaven.

Apollo: Also, we now have TWO cliffhangers in one chapter! Joy.

[The lights turn on again.]

Apollo: I almost regret helping Mr. Edgeworth with the pep talk earlier.

Phoenix: It's not like we're doing this forever, you know.

Apollo: Are you sure? Because it seems like forever!

Trucy: Hey, it has to have an ending sometime, right?

Edgeworth: I certainly hope it does.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 12

Phoenix: Do we REALLY have to keep going?

Speakers: Yes. But just so you know, these next few chapters are long so we'll only be doing one for the next few sporkings sessions.

Apollo: Well that makes things a bit easier. But what happens now that we have terrorism and wizards in this story?

Edgeworth: After those last two chapters, I honestly don't know where this story will go.

Trucy: It's anyone's guess, Mr. Edgeworth.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 21: John Phoenix Is Going Overseas Now

John Phoenix, the nephew of Phoenix Wright, was visiting his uncle, Phoenix Wright, the uncle of John Phoenix, at the detention center, where Phoenix Wright (who was John Phoenix's uncle) was incarcerated for being a terrorist.

Apollo: Why do I even bother hoping for something that isn't redundant?

Edgeworth: The lingering belief in humanity, I guess.

Phoenix: I can't wait to see how this story degrades me even more after being accused of terrorism.

Unucle Phoenix sniffled and pressed his hand against the partition. "I'd knew you'd come save me, John Phoenix," said Uncle Phoenix. "You're a good nephew."

"Get your hand off the glass, Uncle Phoenix," replied John Phoenix impatiently, eyes closed. "I am NOT going to place my hand over your hand. Not even if there's a partition between us. Get real."

Phoenix: "Good nephew?" Why would I say that to someone who killed others, put myself and my loved ones in danger, and constantly insults and abuses me?

Trucy: Because the author needs to emphasize how much their Mary Sue is perfect in every way, shape and form, Daddy! Duh!

Phoenix: Oh right. How could I possibly forget? Just once, I'd like to read a story that has a GOOD OC in it.

Speakers: We'd love to do that but one, the best story with an OC that we know of is over 400,000 words and counting, and two, we're not sure Mr. Edgeworth would appreciate a fic where he's shipped with the OC in question.

Edgeworth: I'll pass, thank you very much. Even if it's well written.

"Oh... okay..." He lowered his hand. "Sorry. I'm just really upset and lonely. Everybody is treating me like a terrorist. I'm afraid the guards are going to beat me up or something. Um, anyway, how is Trucy?"

"I sent her to the orphanage," said John Phoenix. "I didn't want some annoying child hanging around bothering me while I'm trying to solve the quizzical mystery of the magic pen."

Trucy: HEY! I'm not a child! And I'm not annoying!

Apollo: You're seventeen. That means you're still a minor. As for the annoying part, I refer you to the numerous times you made the evidence disappear in your magic panties.

Trucy: That's called lightening the mood, Polly.

Phoenix: Don't worry, Trucy. I don't think that way.

Apollo: Why even send her to the orphanage in the first place? She knows how to take care of herself. And even if she couldn't, she could live with Athena or Miss Fey something like that.

Edgeworth: Speaking of which, why isn't Miss Cykes shown in this story?

Phoenix: Maybe the author hates her. Not an uncommon trait of Ace Attorney fans.

Speakers: Fourth wall, Mr. Wright. Fourth wall.

"The orphanage? John Phoenix, why didn't you just have her stay with Maya? Sending her to the orphanage is just... stupid!"

John Phoenix started hissing and banging against the glass. His eyes were bloodshot and he bared his teeth. Phoenix Wright cowered in his seat.

"Sorry, sorry, please... don't hurt me..." he whispered. The guard was holding up his hands in fear.

Phoenix: Geez. I make a legitimate claim and that's the reaction I get? This main character is awfully sensitive.

Apollo: Well it makes sense. We wouldn't want the audience to even begin to think that John has the tiniest bit of flaws.

John Phoenix panted and dabbed at his forehead with his tie. "Never... EVER... so much as imply that anything I do is EVER, to any degree, stupid. Did it ever occur to, Uncle Phoenix, that maybe I had a reason for putting her in the orphanage? That perhaps it's a state-of-the-art, high security orphanage? One with robotic guards? And an electric fence that would kill her instantly if she touched it? More of a prison than an orphanage? That this particular orphanage was recommended to me by my personal friend Miles Edgeworth? That maybe Trucy will be safer there? Safe from all the Phoenix Wright-haters that have sprung into existence after you were arrested for terrorism?"

Edgeworth: One, I would never recommend something like that. Two, while he might have a point about Trucy needing to be somewhere safe, I don't think a prison is a very sound, or ethical for that matter, solution. Three, Kurain Village is much more removed from the main city and she would be perfectly safe there. If not, then maybe someplace like Hazakura Temple.

Trucy: Also, after that hostage incident, I don't think I'd be very comfortable with robot security guards.

Phoenix Wright looked ashamed.

"Go on," urged John Phoenix in disgust. "Insult my brilliant plans. Go on."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I concede that you're always right," gulped Phoenix Wright.

Apollo: Honestly, that sentence is so stupid, I don't think we even need to talk about it.

Phoenix: Agreed. Just let it sit there for a minute.

[One minute later...]

Phoenix: Okay. Moving on.

John Phoenix looked placated for the moment, so Uncle Phoenix ventured to ask, "So, um, about my defense. How's that getting along? What witnesses are you going to call?"

"Witnesses?" yawned John Phoenix, checking his wristwatch. "What witnesses?"

"The character witnesses, ya know, the ones who can testify about how I'm NOT, um, a terrorist?"

"There will be no witnesses."

Phoenix: Why not?! John said it himself in the last chapter that both Maya and he can vouch for fic-me's alibi!

Edgeworth: Not to mention those that are closest to Wright testifying that he isn't, nor has he ever been, a terrorist.

Trucy: Just another day in plot hole land.

Apollo: You can check out anytime you'd like but you can never leave until the fic is done.

"Okay, what evidence do you-"

"Be quiet. There's no evidence either. Be quiet."

Phoenix Wright stared. He felt a rising panic. "So how are you going to, um, defend me in court?"

"It's simple." John Phoenix smirked. "I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to Khurain. The terroristic neo-Nazi Khurainese bus incident was obviously the work of Khurainese nationals. I believe to find the true culprit who framed you I'll have to travel to Khurain. Besides, Edgeworth believes my presence will greatly benefit the war effort."

Phoenix: And why does this guy feel the need to travel all the way to Khura'in to find the real culprit? Why not just prove I was framed and THEN find the real culprit?

Edgeworth: And how exactly would a combat inexperienced lawyer be able to help with the war effort?

Trucy: Maybe he can go super saiyan again!

Apollo: That only works when he's merged with Mr. Wright, remember?

Trucy: Maybe the author will find some way around that.

"But they're trying to execute me!" cried Phoenix as John Phoenix stood up. "You can't go to Khurain! What about my trial?"

"I have to find the magic pen."

"John, listen, this is crazy," pleaded Phoenix Wright. "What pen?"

"Quiet. I have to find the magic pen."

Apollo: I'm surprised the author didn't put in a long, redundant explanation about what the pen is even though the last chapter explained it already.

Edgeworth: Don't worry, Mr. Justice. I'm sure the author will find some way to put in more redundant explanations.

Apollo: Whee.

"My trial's in only three days-"

John Phoenix lifted an immaculately permed eyebrow. "And? You do realize that I am the one who used his vast influence to get that extension granted, correct? They wanted to hold the trial immediately."

Phoenix started crying. "You're a great kid, John. But you gotta help me. Now. Please."

Phoenix: Gee, thanks for the love and support fic-me claimed you have.

"Yes sir, Mr. John Phoenix," said the guard, roughly grabbing John Phoenix.

Trucy: Wait what? I thought fic-Daddy was the one in jail.

Edgeworth: I believe it was a typo, Trucy.

Trucy: Huh. Surprisingly, there aren't that many of those in the story.

Apollo: It's fine. They're making up for it with illogical circumstances and terrible writing.

"And I don't want you physically harming my uncle, understand?" said John Phoenix. "If you must punish him do so by withholding food or water or by causing him severe sleep deprivation. Let's be civilized about this, shall we? This situation is hardly ideal for any of us."

Phoenix: That's almost worse than physical violence!

Edgeworth: And that's hardly civilized at all.

"Thank you, John Phoenix," mumbled Phoenix Wright in sincere gratitude as he was dragged off.

"Good bye, Uncle," waved John Phoenix. "I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Rest assured, three days is all I need to sort this mess out."

Apollo: Some caring nephew fic-you has, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: I'm just glad this is only a story.

John Phoenix exited the visiting room just in time to see Matt Engarde roll into the hallway on his motorcycle, and following Matt was Shelly de Killer on a much cooler, more awesomer bike (this bike was John Phoenix's).

Phoenix and Edgeworth: *groan*

Apollo: Who rides motorcycles in hallways?

"Hey, you guys aren't allowed to bring those in here!" shouted another guard running up.

Matt coughed and jerked his head toward John Phoenix.

"Uh, like, you wanna tell HIM that, guy?"

The guard slowly turned and saw that John Phoenix was glaring at him hatefully. The guard decided the best course of action was to drop dead and not to move or make a sound.

He was right.

Trucy: Wow. Playing dead? That's just about the worst action he could've done.

Phoenix: I don't know. Knowing that three terrible people are in his general vicinity, I think that's about the only thing he could've done.

John Phoenix stepped across the body, being careful to break the guard's fingers, and approached his subordinates. Shelly got off the cooler bike and stood at a respectful distance as John Phoenix inspected it.

Apollo: Needless sadism! Because why not?

"Very nice," said John Phoenix. He ran a hand over the sleek motorcycle, which was green and blue at the same time (this represented the colors of John Phoenix's suit and tie). It had two mufflers for extra exhaust. The seat was more comfortable than most motorcycle seats in the world and it was designed in such a way that sitting on it for long periods of time wouldn't cause lowered sperm counts.

Edgeworth: Did we really need to know that last part?

Trucy: After the nude wizard, and the random cameo wanting to date John, this is honestly a step up.

Phoenix: Also, we finally find out John's suit color? Better late than never, I suppose.

Apollo: Or in this fic's case, better never than ever.

Yes, Merlin had done good work on this custom "hog" for John Phoenix. Emblazoned on the side of the motorcycle was "John Phoenix" in a cool font superimposed over a lightning bolt. Also, Merlin made it so the high beams gave people cancer. Just a subtle little weapon.

And, of course, mounted on one side was his custom M16. He'd never ride a motorcycle without it.

Trucy: You know, it feels a lot like John's trying to overcompensate for something.

Apollo: I'd pay to see the final twist being that John's actually very insecure and all this is a facade.

Phoenix: If only that were the case.

Apollo: We still have a ways to go in the story. It could still happen.

John Phoenix got on the bike, slipped on his mirrored aviators, and pulled on his fingerless leather gloves. He flexed his fingers and examined his reflection in the rearview mirror. He smirked.

"It is time to go meet up with Edgeworth and head to Khurain," said John Phoenix. "Are you two ready to enlist in the army and lay down your lives for America?" John Phoenix considered this. "No, let me rephrase that, are you ready to lay down your lives for John Phoenix?"

Phoenix: This just in, folks: this OC is a complete narcissist!

Edgeworth: I can't believe Shelley de Killer would ever lay down his own life for another person, even if they were a client.

Matt got teary-eyed. "Of course, sir. You saved my life. You saved me from myself."

"Indubitably, sir," replied Shelly de Killer as he climbed into Matt's sidecar.

"Let's roll."

John Phoenix and Engarde roared down the hallway and out the building. Playing on John Phoenix's walkman? "Rollin' into the Night", a song which appeared ONLY in the Japanese version of the original Mad Max, which makes it QUITE obscure, quite obscure indeed. John Phoenix's style was both hip AND retro at the same time, but in a cool way that came off as completely natural and not at all ostentatious or trying-too-hard.

Apollo: See? That last sentence means it could still happen!

Trucy: That's still probably a wild dream, Polly.

"Look, here comes John Phoenix!" a reporter shouted. Cameras flashed and the crowd outside the building screamed questions at him.

Spark Brushel pushed his way to the front. "Mr. John Phoenix, sir, how do you respond to the allegations that your uncle is 'A terrorist bastard, who should burn, burn!' end quote? Not my words by the way."

Apollo: Well I guess this story is stupid enough that we needed to include HIM in here.

Trucy: Actually, this is something I could definitely see him doing.

Phoenix: Yeah, probably.

John Phoenix gripped him by the tie and growled. "My response is that whoever's peddling that garbage should be ashamed. My uncle is as innocent as the baby Jesus." He spun Brushel around by the tie and threw him into a dumpster. "Shelly, take care of these cameras, will you?"

Edgeworth: Quite the comparison to give Wright.

Phoenix: Especially after so many things he's done to fic-me.

Shelly took out his Luger and started shooting out the lenses of the reporters' cameras. This scared most of them off, but one man was brave enough to hobble over to John Phoenix's motorcycle.

The man had a prosthetic leg, an eyepatch, and a t-shirt with a picture of an extremely muscular bootleg Blue Badger in army fatigues tightening a belt around his arm with his teeth and jabbing himself in the arm with a hypodermic needle. The words above and below the picture read "Yeah I was in Khurain... now I do hard drugs."

Trucy: That's...quite the t-shirt.

Apollo: What kind of designer would make a t-shirt like that?

Edgeworth: One that exists in "The Adventures of John Phoenix," apparently.

"Hey, man, I'm a vet," said the man. "I was over there, man. Those fuckin' Khurainese bastards stole my leg. Like, get it back for me if you can. I know all about you, man, I think you're a hero the way you saved those kids. A real hero. I read the your interview with Lotta Hart where you said you're going to Khurain. Give 'em hell for me, brother. Wipe all those Khurainese out. Nuke Khurain!"

Phoenix: Geez. Even for a vet, that's pretty bad.

Edgeworth: I'm sure the veterans of the world greatly appreciate this COMPLETELY accurate and not at ALL exaggerated representation of those that risked their lives to fight for their country.

John Phoenix sniffed. "We're actually aligned with the rulers of Khurain. It's the rebels and their allies in the surrounding countries we're fighting. So, like, educate yourself about the geopolitical realities of the situation, 'man.'" This man was obviously insane, so John Phoenix switched his headlights on-and-off and gave him cancer. It was sad that John Phoenix had been forced to do this, but the man clearly wasn't getting the help he needed from the VA, so giving him cancer was basically a mercy killing.

Trucy: WOW! Killing a vet like that?! That's just cruel! How would that be a mercy killing at all?

Apollo: That's just how the main character rolls, I guess. Not that it's a good way of rolling.

John Phoenix and Matt Engarde drove out of the city and towards the army base where they were meeting Edgeworth. Merlin descended from the sky and flew alongside them a few feet above the ground on his broomstick.

"Room for this old fart in your army?" he asked.

Phoenix: Um...given what Merlin was like before, I find it very hard to believe that he'd say something like that.

Apollo: Wow. This fic is even bad at characterization with its original characters!

Meanwhile, in Khurain...

Klavier emerged from the jungle (Khurain is famous for its jungles) and came upon some rice paddies. He shaded his eyes from the sun and stared over the fields. He opened his compass and looked at a snapshot of Apollo Justice.

"Ah, Herr Forehead, I wish you were here," he said. "You were a good soldier. Unlike these special ed. babies I'm being forced to take care of."

Apollo: Wait, Khura'in's more famous for its mountains. I don't really recall many jungles in there.

Trucy: Are you even going to bring up the implication that Prosecutor Gavin is in lo-

Apollo: If I don't mention it, I can pretend it doesn't exist, Trucy.

Phoenix: I don't think that's how that works, Apollo.

"Um, I don't wanna alarm anyone," said Ron DeLite, "but I think my head is starting to fall off." He had got it the worst out of all the survivors. A helicopter blade was piercing his neck.

Phoenix: That's...probably the most random choice for a soldier next to Klavier Gavin.

Apollo: Oh right. I was so distracted by the other thing that I completely forgot to ask this: WHY THE HECK IS PROSECUTOR GAVIN A SOLDIER?!

Edgeworth: I suppose it's about as odd a choice as having myself as a military prosecutor and pilot, Matt Engarde as the main character's assistant, Larry Butz as Von Karma's son, and Mr. Justice as a POW.

"Oh, damn it, Ron, what is it you little crybaby?" snapped Klavier.

"Erm, well, sir, it's just that when I turn my head too fast the entire thing starts to slide off and I need to push it back into place."

Klavier stared at him. "Then don't... turn it... fast," he said slowly.

Phoenix: Shouldn' be dead from that?

Just then Max Galactica shouldered his rifle and aimed at some peasants. "Sir! I see some foreigners! Permission to murk?"

Phoenix: Um...what? Now we have Max Galactica as a soldier?

Trucy: The famous magician?! Why is the author destroying his good name?!

Edgeworth: It's hardly the first one the author's destroyed through this story.

Klavier pushed the barrel down. "No, Johns, those are just some innocent peasants," explained Klavier patiently. Max's stage name may be "Max Galactica" but ever since he joined the army everyone had to refer to him by his government name, "Billy Bob Johns." Those were the rules.

Meanwhile Benjamin Woodman was staring at a peasant girl, probably underaged, and licking his lips. Klavier grabbed him by the collar and shook him.

Phoenix: the author just going out of their way to put in as many characters as possible in this story and destroy their characterization?

Edgeworth: Evidently.

"Don't even think about it, you fucking puppet-loving pedo," said Klavier. He cracked Ben one across the face and broke his lips in half. "You try anything and I'll kick your ass six ways from Sunday."

Klavier suddenly noticed something bulging in Woodman's pants.

"Achtung! What's this?" He reached in without hesitation and pulled it out.

All: *groans*

Phoenix: That's even more disgusting than the naked Merlin!

"D-don't be mad, sir," whined Woodman.

"I thought I told you to BURN this," roared Klavier, smacking him in the face with Trilo Quist. Then he threw the puppet back into the jungle.

Phoenix: Oh.

Apollo: Why exactly did the author feel the need to have that description beforehand?

Trucy: Shock value?

Edgeworth: I believe this fic is shocking enough on its own.

"H-he keeps c-c-c-coming back, s-s-ir," stuttered Woodman. "He's a magic p-p-puppet."

Phoenix: Actually...I almost believe that.

Trucy: Ooh. A magic puppet. Can I have one, Daddy?

Apollo: You have Mr. Hat. Isn't that a magic puppet?

[Trucy pulls out Mr. Hat.]

Mr. Hat: Who're you callin' a puppet, you puppet?!

Apollo: *buries face in hands*

Klavier smacked himself in the face. "Of course you of all people survived! Why couldn't it have been Armstrong? Good ol' Armstrong..."

Phoenix: ...I won't even ask about him.

Just then Ron spotted something in the sky and pointed. "Sir! There's some kind of cube floating over the rice fields!"

"What the hell is that?" asked Klavier.

But then the cube started firing off lasers and destroying the rice paddies! Klavier and his men hopped over a low brick wall and hid behind it. An angry farmer ran into the fields spouting foreign gibberish.

Apollo: Um...what?

Edgeworth: Certainly not the strangest thing in this story, I suppose.

"Achtung! Stop!"

But it was too late, a laser cut the man in half. An evil laugh came from the cube as it flew off into the distance.

"What was that...?" wondered Klavier in wonder, flipping his hair (which was flawless as always).

Apollo: You know what? That last sentence is the first thing I've seen fic-Prosecutor Gavin do in character.

Phoenix: I don't suppose that'll be explained.

Meanwhile, in heaven prison...

Phoenix: ...should've guessed.

Trucy: Why does heaven need a prison anyway?

Edgeworth: If people like Von Karma and Gant are in heaven, I suppose I can see the need for a prison.

Godot slowly stirred to life. He tried to get up but he was chained to the wall by his wrists. His memories slowly returned.

"What happened to heaven while I was gone...?" he asked. Then he looked around and to his shock the prison walls were made of bricks, not clouds!

"What the hell? Heaven is only supposed to be made of clouds! Something is seriously wrong!"

To be continued...

Edgeworth: Yes, something is seriously wrong; this story.

[The lights turn on again.]

Phoenix: So...I can't think of anything to say at this point.

Edgeworth: You and me both, Wright.

Apollo: I'll say that felt much longer than usual.

Trucy: Well the Management said this was a long chapter.

Apollo: They were right.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 13

Phoenix: Man, this Sporking is taking a long time. It's certainly been a while since we've had one for this long.

Apollo: Well we haven't had a troll fic last for this long in a while so it's no wonder.

Trucy: Just don't have me get arrested again and I'll be good.

Edgeworth: That might be too much to ask for, Trucy.

Trucy: Knowing this story, you're probably right.

Phoenix: Let's just keep going.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 22: John Phoenix Becomes an Army Lawyer and Cries

Phoenix: Well that's just unrealistic.

Apollo: Becoming an Army lawyer or crying?

Phoenix: Yes.

John Phoenix was completely nude except for his underwear.

All: *recoils in disgust*

Edgeworth: We have this terrible character forced on us! The least the author can do is keep him clothed!

He was exceedingly muscular with huge pecs and biceps which were normally hidden under his iconic green suit and blue tie. His veins were huge and throbbing. When he flexed his muscles the veins turned blackish-purple and bulged out like thick cords. This was a sign of being more healthy and virile than most other men.

Apollo: Yet another reminder to the audience that this character is absolutely perfect in every way, shape and form.

Phoenix: To be fair, without those reminders, we'd just assume that the main character is a horrible human being.

He was undergoing a physical exam, because the first thing he had to do prior to becoming a military lawyer was to be examined by an Army Doctor and deemed fit for service. So far he had passed all the tests with flying colors.

Trucy: Um...I'm no expert, but isn't getting into the Army a longer process than that?

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure that's the case. Especially an Army lawyer.

Edgeworth: Why exactly doesn't the author use the appropriate term of JAG?

Apollo: Because the author seems to hate being realistic.

Currently John Phoenix was standing on a scale. But not just any scale. This was a scale that also measured the height of the person standing on the scale. John Phoenix's height was 177 cm, which was 2 cm better than his Uncle Phoenix.

Just one more way in which the nephew had surpassed the uncle.

Phoenix: You know, fic-me is already in prison, suspected of terrorism. Does the author REALLY feel the need to continue spitting on me and my dignity?

Trucy: I think this story is spitting on everyone that isn't John.

The doctor nodded. "Hmm, yes, very good." He checked something off on his clipboard. "Now, John Phoenix, you already demonstrated that your cardiovascular health is perfect when you ran a sub-three minute mile on the treadmill, so let's check your physical strength next."

John Phoenix lay down on a bench press and began repping the barbell (300 pounds).

"This is too easy. Give me more weight."

Phoenix: Is this whole chapter just going to be an ego stroke for John?

Edgeworth: Perhaps the author felt the need to remind everyone that their character is amazing because everyone knows their character is terrible.

Apollo: Overcompensating much?

The doctor and the nurses slid on more weights.

John Phoenix pumped the barbell up and down. "Come on! What is this, 1000 pounds? I could curl this with one arm. MORE WEIGHT!"

Trucy: Next thing we know, John will be fighting Superman or something! And winning!

Phoenix: If that happens, I'm leaving.

Speakers: The Management would like to remind the sporkers that leaving during the sporking is strictly prohibited.

Phoenix: Do you really want to give this story dignity if that happens?

Speakers: We'll cross that bridge if we get to it.

There were no more weights to add to the barbell, so the two nurses (Rhoda Teneiro and Lauren Paups, both of whom were love with John Phoenix) sat on the ends of the barbell.

Edgeworth: Well that's the most random cameo for this story since...

Phoenix: The last chapter's random cameos?

Edgeworth: Exactly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said John Phoenix, pumping vigorously, giving both women the rides of their lives, "did two tiny specks of dust just land on the barbell? MORE WEIGHT!"

Trucy: Is it just me, or is the wording in that sentence kinda-

Phoenix and Apollo: TRUCY!

John Phoenix's manservants Matt Engarde and Shelly de Killer started jumping up and down on the barbell, but it was no use; they were incapable of giving John Phoenix a satisfying challenge. He shook everyone off the barbell in bitter disappointment and then threw the barbell into the corner and destroyed some expensive medical equipment.

Apollo: Our hero, folks! Killing innocent people, treating everyone around him like dirt and destroying medical equipment with no remorse whatsoever.

Trucy: The author HAS to know what they're doing. They KNOW this is a troll fic. Nobody would accidentially make this character so unlikable!

Phoenix: Does that make it better?

Trucy: Not really.

"What a monumental waste of time," he complained. "That was not at all a challenge to me, John Phoenix."

John Phoenix finished his physical, and despite the fact that John Phoenix had never exercised in his life, it was determined that he was the strongest, healthiest man to ever take the exam in the history of physical exams.

Edgeworth: Yes, fic. We get it. John Phoenix is unrealistically strong. Please shut up and move on.

John Phoenix got dressed and then he took out his uncle's magic badge. He had the badge now because he had stolen it from his uncle before he had been arrested for his crimes. After all, such a powerful magical artifact shouldn't be allowed to fall into the hands of the police. It would be safer with him.

Phoenix: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

"Why did Buddy Johnson have Merlin make this magic badge...?" he wondered out loud. "And why did it grant my infant self magical powers?"

All: That's what we want to know!

John Phoenix pondered this for a few seconds, but he got bored, so he reported back to Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: Such incredible focus.

Trucy: Didn't the fic mention earlier that he had ADHD?

Apollo: Even the most severe cases of ADHD wouldn't be this unfocused.

They walked arm-in-arm through the base AKA Fort Gant, which was named in honor of Damon Gant's father, Bobby Gant, who had been a famous general in his day.

Phoenix: Does everything in this story need to be connected?

Edgeworth: Apparently.

Then they went to the firing range and Edgeworth handed John Phoenix a rifle. Edgeworth pointed at a target dummy in the distance.

"To become a military lawyer you must possess excellent marksmanship," Miles Edgeworth explained. "After all, we can never be sure when the military courtrooms will be attacked by the enemy. While our roles aren't strictly combative, we must always be ready and able to fight if the situation calls for it."

Apollo: Okay, I could reluctantly buy that explanation about being attacked in court, but wouldn't something more portable like a handgun or pistol be more practical? Who wants to be carrying a huge rifle in a courtroom?

John Phoenix turned the rifle over in his hands. Then he threw it like a knife and it flew hundreds of yards downrange and the bayonet stabbed the dummy's head.

Edgeworth: One, physically impossible. Two, going against the rules of the test.

"My word, what an excellent shot," said Edgeworth. "Good work, John Phoenix. Very unorthodox, but good work!"

Edgeworth: And not even a slap on the wrist.

Phoenix: Tell me something this fic HASN'T done.

Apollo: Actually have good writing?

"That gun was worthless," said John Phoenix. "I will only use my custom M16 or the angel gun."

Trucy: Wait, that angel gun is still a thing?

Apollo: Nothing like a gun that only has one bullet left.

Phoenix: And whose bullets are some of the slowest in the universe.

Now, the final step to becoming a military lawyer, which he had to do before he could go to Khurain and serve alongside Edgeworth: win a mock trial held with dummies.

Edgeworth: Wait...why exactly does he need to be a military lawyer? They're not combat focused roles.

Trucy: Because John needs to be the star of the show, obviously.

Edgeworth: Of course. How could I have possibly forgotten?

They went to the training courtroom and Edgeworth set up some dummies in the appropriate spots to represent the the prosecution, the witness, and the defendant. Then Edgeworth sat on top of some sandbags. He was roleplaying as the judge.

Phoenix: Why don't they just use, oh I don't know, an actual courtroom??

Apollo: And why do they need to use dummies?

"Now that we're all set up, we can begin the trial," said Edgeworth. He was wearing his dead mother's dress as a robe because he didn't have a judge robe to use.

Edgeworth: Just...just no.

Phoenix: Who IS your mother, anyway?

Edgeworth: ...

"On the desk in front of you will find all the evidence related to this trial, as well the witness's testimony. In brief, the defendant is accused of fragging his superior officer. As a military defense attorney, it is your job to ensure that he receives a proper defense. Now, what do you do?"

John Phoenix examined the evidence. He carefully considered the facts of the case and went over the transcript of the witness's testimony. Then he nodded his head once, then again. He picked up a piece of evidence, a Bowie knife, and jumped over the desk and started stabbing the dummy to death.

Apollo: Yes. This is DEFINITELY what a trial would be like in the military.

Trucy: It would be cool if that did happen. Not with real people, of course.

"I kill the witness," explained John Phoenix.

"That's the defendant, John Phoenix," replied Edgeworth. "The witness is over there."

John Phoenix jumped over the witness stand and stabbed the witness dummy to death.

Edgeworth: Imagine if this was done with real people instead of dummies.

Phoenix: I'm almost positive that he would face no consequences whatsoever for killing two people in cold blood like that.

"All right, so you kill the witness," said Edgeworth. "Explain your logic."

John Phoenix smirked. "It's simple. Not only is the witness the real killer, he's actually an enemy agent!"

Phoenix: Quite the leap in logic there.

Edgeworth: Fic-me is certainly taking all this rather well.

Trucy: You act like that's anything new in this story.

"Oh? And how did you come to that conclusion? Show your work." Edgeworth was not going to go easy on him. He demanded perfection from everyone, even his best friend in the world John Phoenix.

"It's simple, Your Honor. Don't you think it's rather suspicious that this witness is a witness to begin with? Isn't that just a little too convenient? After all, by claiming to have witnessed the crime, he suspiciously creates an alibi for himself, because if he was witnessing the crime, if would be impossible for him to have committed the crime! Additionally, the crime occured at night time, which is when people sleep, so it's suspicious to be awake and witnessing a crime at such a suspicious hour."

Apollo: ...THAT'S his logic?!

Phoenix: This is one of the worst cases of accusing the witness out of nowhere I've seen.

Edgeworth: Yes, because he's the ONLY one who does that on a regular basis.

Phoenix: Hey now! When we do it, it's because they're suspicious.

Edgeworth stroked his chin thoughtfully, letting this astute analysis wash over him like logical water flowing from a waterfall connected to John Phoenix's brain.

"I see," said Edgeworth thoughtfully, stroking his chin. "It is indeed suspicious that this witness witnessed this crime. But you had no grounds to kill him."

Trucy: Huh. Fic-Mr. Edgeworth is actually making keen observations. That's a step up compared to some of the other characters in the story.

Edgeworth: Then why am I not happy about it?

John Phoenix smirked. "The witness's suspicious behavior is merely what led to me suspecting him as suspicious, Your Honor. I killed him because I made deductions based on sound logic and sounder evidence." He threw out his index finger, every muscle and fingernail in the finger straining. "Take that!"

Apollo: Oh boy. I can't WAIT to hear the "sound logic and sounder evidence" that John uses in order to justify killing a witness in cold blood.

He presented the witness testimony.

"What?" said Edgeworth, pretending to be shocked. "The witness testimony?! This proofs the witness isn't a witness?"

"Oh, the witness is a witness, all right... a witness to his own crime!" exclaimed John Phoenix. "You see, the witness claimed to have seen the defendant throw a GREEN grenade into the victim's sleeping quarters." He slammed the witness stand. "But as you know, the military uses two different colors of hand grenades, dark green and dark blue! This crime took place at night. It was dark. The only way the witness could have known that it was a green grenade is if he threw the grenade himself!"

Edgeworth: ...that's it? That could just be amounted to coincidence or good lighting being able to identify the color.

Phoenix: Why would the witness even say the color in the first place? How stupid would that be?

"Brilliant logic, Mr. John Phoenix," said the Judge AKA Edgeworth.

John Phoenix smirked larger. "Oh, but I'm not through yet. There's yet ANOTHER piece of evidence that points to the witness as the true killer, a heretofore unexplained piece of evidence that only makes sense in the context of the witness being the true killer! TAKE THAT!"

John Phoenix presented the knife he had used to kill the defendant and the witness.

"You see," he explained, "this knife belongs to the witness. It has his initials on it. It was found at the crime scene. But why? The answer is simple. The victim was NOT killed by a grenade! Instead, the witness stabbed the victim sometime earlier with his knife. Then, to obfuscate the true cause of death, he threw a grenade into the room which caused the knife to fall out so it'd look like the victim was blown up instead of killed by the witness's knife."

Edgeworth: And you're in contempt of court for creating such a ridiculous explanation and killing a witness.

The Edgeworth admired this beautiful display of logic. "Very good, Mr. John Phoenix," he said. "I find the defendant NOT GUILTY!

Edgeworth: ...or that.

Phoenix: "THE Edgeworth?" Sounds like some sort of superhero name.

Trucy: Watch out, criminals! For into the night sky, soars the vigilante known as "The Edgeworth!"

Edgeworth: Thanks, but I'll pass.

Unfortunately, you killed the witness, and he was Innocent Until Proven Guilty, so I'm afraid I'll have to take away your badge and strip you of your military title for violating due process."

Apollo: Oh good. John actually being punished for his actions.

Edgeworth: I'm willing to bet that it doesn't last long.

"Ha ha ha..." John Phoenix merely threw back his head in laughter. "Your Honor, killing the witness was an act of preemptive self-defense! Because the man was a terrorist and had grenades in his pants! He was going to blow us all to bits!"

"What?" asked the Judge, surprised but not really because this was a mock trial and not a real trial. "But how could you possibly have known that? Explain."

"Simple. I'm afraid this a bit vulgar, Your Honor, but bear with me. The man had two spherical objects in his pants, and at first glance one might assume the objects were merely part of the man's scrotum. After all, he was wearing very tight pants. But I read the witness's profile in the court record, and it clearly states he tragically lost his scrotum in Khurain. So obviously the objects in his pants, were, in fact grenades meant to be used as a last resort if he was found out. So my killing him was completely warranted, as well as morally justified."

Phoenix: Um...what?

Apollo: That has to be the stupidest explanation so far.

Edgeworth: As well as information we did not need to hear about.

Trucy: I'm a magician and even I think this is the worst possible explanation for hiding stuff.

Edgeworth smiled and began to clap. "Bravo, John Phoenix!" he cried. "You made short work of my little trial and have proven yourself worthy of being a Military Defense Attorney. As Chief Army Lawyer, I salute you."

He pinned a second badge onto John Phoenix's lapel. John Phoenix beamed with pride, because now he was legally able to defend people both in court, and in military court.

Phoenix: You called it, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: It's like the magic badge also made this character immune to negative consequences.

Now it was dusk. John Phoenix and Miles Edgeworth, having cleared everything with the brass, went to the airfield to board Miles's plane and fly to Khurain.

"Good luck, Miles," said Carlos Flavioli. Carlos Flavioli was Edgeworth's friend and also another military prosecutor. Carlos Flavioli had sunglasses. "I wish I could go with you, but my broken feet and spine prevent me. Happy skies... partner."

"Good bye, Carlos Flavioli," said Edgeworth. He was friends with Carlos Flavioli.

All: ...

Apollo: Um...was there a point to that character?

Edgeworth: Not that I could tell.

Trucy: Unless the author decided to put him in a future chapter and then go on to explain that even though actually it's stupid, it's secretly brilliant.

Phoenix: Oh boy. I can't WAIT for that to happen.

Edgeworth donned his flight helmet, strapped on his goggles, twirled his scarf around his neck, and climbed into the driver's seat of his new triplane, "The Edgeworth II". It was the biggest triplane ever made because it had five seats. John Phoenix and Matt Engarde's motorcycles were also tied to the sides of the plane.

Edgeworth: I just realized. Why would the Army use triplanes in the 21st Century? Why not use jets or helicopters?

Trucy: And how would a triplane be able to seat five people?

Phoenix: And how would it be able to support two motorcycles on either side?

Apollo: And why is Mr. Edgeworth going to combat again? LAWYERS AREN'T INFANTRY!

Phoenix: I think that covers it.

"All aboard!" Miles honked the steering wheel.

All: No. Just no.

John Phoenix sat in the seat directly behind Miles, and Matt Engarde, Shelly de Killer, and Merlin sat in the other seats. The plane took off and began the long flight over the Pacific Ocean to Khurain, where John Phoenix hoped to find the truth behind the magic pen and the plot to frame his Uncle Phoenix.

"Perfect flying conditions," remarked Edgeworth. "Oh look, a flock of geese." He fired the machine guns and wiped out all the geese. Their bodies fell to earth and floated in the ocean. Edgeworth opened the bomb bay and dropped a bomb and it exploded just over the water and blew the geese corpses to smithereens and sent feathers flying everywhere. Like mentor like apprentice.

Edgeworth: Except that was an idiotic thing to do for Von Karma and I've dedicated my career to not following in Von Karma's footsteps as much as I have in the past.

Phoenix: Isn't that also a waste of ammunition?

"Nice geese killing, dude," said Matt, throwing a thumbs up.

"Ha, how did you like that, John Phoenix?" asked Edgeworth. No reply. "John Phoenix?"

Phoenix: What, is John too arrogant to even address something like that?

John Phoenix was lost in thought. He was fiddling with the bullet containing his mother's soul. He was wearing the bullet around his neck alongside his dog tags.

John Phoenix had asked Merlin if there was any way to free his mother's soul from the bullet so she could to heaven where she belonged, because she was a godly women, but Merlin had just told him it was impossible. No one could free someone from an angel bullet, not even god.


He was suddenly surprised to feel something wet oozing out of his eyeholes and running down his face. For one surreal moment he thought his eyes were bleeding, but no, he was just crying. He touched his tears and then held his hand out, shocked. Him? Crying? He had never cried before, not even when he was first birthed two months ago.

In that moment John Phoenix realized just how lonely he really was. His mother was dead, her soul trapped in a bullet forever; his father had died before John Phoenix had even been conceived; his cousin had been sent away to the orphanage due to a cruel twist of fate no one could have predicted; and his uncle Phoenix Wright, the man he respected and looked up to most of all, his hero, was being abused in prison by sadistic guards because everybody in America hated him for being a terrorist.

Trucy: Wow. Actually trying to give John...humanity.

Edgeworth: Too little, too late.

Phoenix: Also, are you SURE he looked up to me and respected me? Because the past chapters have clearly told otherwise.

He tried to hold back the tears, but he couldn't, so he just tried to keep his weeping silent. Thankfully the only person who could see his tears was Edgeworth, who observed him briefly in the rearview mirror, and then tactfully looked away from his friend's moment of vulnerability.

He was a gentleman after all.

To be continued...

Apollo: Well at least the ending of this chapter had a bit of humanity in it.

Phoenix: More than we can say for the rest of the fic.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: Nothing like ego stroking and out of nowhere humanity all in one chapter.

Trucy: Not to mention doing things that in reality would never be allowed but here, not even a slap on the wrist!

Edgeworth: I hate this story.

Apollo: We all do.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 14

Edgeworth: The last chapter seemed to be quite confused with the tone, didn't it?

Phoenix: Yeah. One minute, it was stroking John's ego and the next minute, it tried giving him a shred of humanity.

Apollo: Wonder if they'll keep going with the humanity.

Trucy: Or maybe they'll just make him a robot!

Apollo: That sounds stupid.

Trucy: Well it happened before.

Phoenix: Sadly.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 23: Spark Brushel's Brush In, and Meanwhiles

Spark Brushel was digging through the trash behind the Borscht Bowl Club by the light of the full moon in search of food. It had been several days since he had last eaten. He reached elbow-deep into a trash can and pulled out a blackened banana peel. He sighed. These recent food shortages caused by the War were hard on everyone, even garbage cans.

Apollo: Huh? Where did this come from?

Phoenix: Brushel only had like one line before and now we're switching over to his perspective? Why?

Trucy: Maybe it's the author trying to convince us they're actually brilliant for making a character who was barely mentioned a central part of the plot.

Edgeworth: It didn't work the first time, why would it work now?

"'Down-on-His-Luck Freelance Journalist Discovers Correlation Between Empty Pockets and Empty Stomach', end quote." He immediately slurped down the banana peel. It wasn't exactly an appetising meal but he had to take what he could get. His eyes darted back-and-forth as he licked his fingers hungrily.

Trucy: Eugh. Even if I was starving, I wouldn't force myself to eat THAT.

Apollo: It's not like Brushel's poor or anything so why the heck is he dumpster diving?

He had waited for the cover of night to rummage through the trash because if the cops caught you doing it during the day they'd beat you up in compliance with a new city ordinance.

Edgeworth: What kind of city ordinance is that?!

Phoenix: Shouldn't there be some sort of lawsuit going on with that? I highly doubt that's legal.

Whatever bits of food there might be in the garbage were reserved for the mayor and his fatcat campaign contributors. Brushel couldn't help but feel that the slow slide into dystopia was now a fast slide into dystopia and that he was riding that slide and that soon the dystopia wouldn't be a future dystopia but a present dystopia.

Apollo: Did you get that, readers? We had to make it clear that this is a dystopia.

Phoenix: Huh. I figured that a place where corrupt politicians eat garbage and steal from the needy was a perfect utopia.

It was not a fun slide to be on.

He threw open the lid of a dumpster and hopped inside. This was his home now. The sparse furnishings consisted of bath towel for a bed, a few notebooks and pens, a skateboard, an electric candle, and a poster of John Phoenix. Brushel was a great admirer of John Phoenix and he hoped to get the poster signed one day.

Trucy: But...why? Why would this happen to him?

Edgeworth: Of course we had to make clear that everyone in the entire world loves John Phoenix for absolutely no reason.

Phoenix: It was made clear a long time ago.

You might think Brushel would have a negative opinion of John Phoenix after getting launched into the trash. Well, his feelings had been hurt a little. But Brushel could understand John Phoenix's reaction; after all, the man must be operating under a great deal of stress, getting hounded by the press everywhere he goes. Not to mention his mother getting murdered less than a week ago and his uncle being arrested for terrorism.

Phoenix: Right. Because throwing someone in the trash is a perfectly normal reaction to the stress that he doesn't seem to be concerned about much.

Apollo: I feel like John could be convicted of murder and people would still love him.

Edgeworth: Which he should be, since he's been shown to have killed multiple times in cold blood.

Of course, Spark Brushel knew that Phoenix Wright was innocent. Phoenix was just an honest, albeit simple-minded man who loved his country.

Trucy: That's probably the nicest thing this fic has said about you, Daddy.

Phoenix: Whee.

No... the only person he held any ill will toward was Lotta Hart, the woman who had stolen everything from him. The woman who had framed him for plagiarism and gotten him fired from being a freelance journalist and blacklisted from every publication in town. She also stole his house and her goons beat him up.

Phoenix: Brushel and Lotta Hart? Now that's a pair I never anticipated to see in this story.

Edgeworth: But she's not evil. Ambitious, maybe, but far from evil.

Apollo: Characterization? What on earth is that?

"Sorry, Sparky, but your house in mine now," said Lotta Hart evilly in a flashback (it was a black-and-white flashback). "Beat him up, goons."

The goons started beating up Brushel (in black and white) as Lotta snapped pictures and laughed.

"Why, Lotta...?" asked Spark Brushel (in a black-and-white flashback). "Why are you doing this?"

Apollo: Why does the flashback need to be in black and white?

Trucy: Because all flashbacks are black and white in the author's eyes?

Phoenix: Then the author must watch a lot of old movies.

Edgeworth: Also, why on earth would anyone take pictures of the crime they're committing?

"Because there's only room for one freelance journalist in this town, toothbrush boy," she said. She stole his toothbrush.

"Hey, my toothbrush!" cried Brushel (this was all happening in black and white during a flashback).

Apollo: Still black and white folks. Don't want you to think this story decided to go to color.

Phoenix: Taking someone's toothbrush is hardly the worst thing anyone could do.

Trucy: At least it would reduce his overly minty aroma.

"Don't worry, y'all won't need this once my goons are done with you." She snapped the toothbrush in half. "Viola! Knock his teeth out!"

Viola Cadaverini clocked him in the jaw and knocked several teeth out. Brushel spat out blood.

Phoenix: First, yet another random cameo. Second, I highly doubt someone like Viola would be able to punch someone hard enough to knock teeth out.

Edgeworth: I'm honestly surprised the author didn't say the blood was in black and white.

"Those teeth had cavities, actually," he bluffed. "All my teeth have cavities so I don't even mind if you knock them out. That's good to me." He was trying to save his remaining teeth.

Lotta scowled. "Well, gawd, in that case we'll just hurt you in other ways!" She took a baseball bat out of her pants.

Trucy: Um...anyone that knows Mr. Brushel would know that none of his teeth have cavities because he brushes frequently.

Apollo: That has to be one of the worst bluffs I've seen. And I worked for Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: Hey!

Edgeworth: He isn't wrong.

Spark Brushel tossed and turned on his bath towel as his flashbacks transitioned into bad dreams that were also flashbacks. Then gradually he was awoken by voices coming from the back door of the Borscht Bowl, which was slightly open.

"Have you channeled the targets yet?" asked a man's voice.

"No, sir," said another voice, female. "It's very strange but we haven't been able to make contact with their spirits..."

Phoenix: Wait, we're bringing spirit channelers into this besides Maya?

Apollo: Maybe they'll try to get Pearl into this story.

Phoenix: I'm afraid to find out if that's the case.

The sound of a bottle shattering.

"Don't stop trying until you get it done," growled the man. "It would be very bad for you and your sister if you didn't come through for us. After all, you wouldn't want to disappoint Buddy Johnson or our master in Khurain, now would you?"

"Absolutely not sir!" cried a different female voice. "We are completely dedicated to our master and his cause! The spirits were probably just at church. We'll channel them and complete our mission as soon as possible."

Edgeworth: Buddy Johnson? Isn't he dead?

Trucy: Yeah. I thought the story said Mr. Gant killed him.

Phoenix: Also, spirits being at church isn't a reason as to why they couldn't be channeled. Either they're not dead, or the medium doesn't have an accurate name and face for the spirit.

"Good... now get outta here," the man replied. "And don't return until you've fulfilled our secret plans."

The door opened fully and Iris and Pearl stepped outside. Behind them, a shadowy figure was briefly framed in the doorway. Then the door slammed shut.

Phoenix: ...why? Why does the author feel the need to destroy the characterization of everyone I know?

Apollo: Iris? Isn't that your-

Phoenix: I'd...rather not talk about it, Apollo.

Edgeworth: I find it hard to believe someone like Iris would be involved in any shady dealings.

"Come, sister," said Iris, turning her head towards Pearl. "Let us get inside our car. But first, let us walk down the sidewalk. That is the first step to getting inside the car."


Apollo: This sentence brought to you for no reason whatsoever.

The sisters walked around the building to the sidewalk. Spark Brushel lifted the lid of the dumpster and peered out.

"Hmm... I smell a scoop! 'Suspicious Women Overheard Conversing About Secret Plans with a Voice That Can Only Be Described As 'Shadowy'", end quote." He grabbed his skateboard and hopped out of the dumpster.

Trucy: How can a voice be described as "shadowy?"

Edgeworth: It would work just fine if you replace "voice" with "figure." It's not that hard.

He skated down the sidewalk after them, sticking to the shadows. Skateboarding was his main mode of transportation nowadays because the military was confiscating bicycles and converting them into electric bicycles for the war effort.

Apollo: Okay, the idea of Spark Brushel knowing how to ride a skateboard is just too much for me.

Phoenix: Really? This is the extent of your suspension of disbelief?

Apollo: Yes. No way in hell Brushel would know how to ride a skateboard.

Iris and Pearl got into a sedan. Spark squatted low and coasted to the rear of the car. He quickly jotted down the license plate, and then he held the edge of the trunk and pulled himself up and peered through the rear windshield. The lights inside the car were on.

"I can't channel her, sister," said Iris, holding her hands together in prayer except it was actually in spirit channeling. She blew hair out of her face. "How is that possible? Both their spirits have been unavailable for days!"

Phoenix: Except Iris can't channel spirits.

(Spark could hear all this because he had good ears.)

"Um, maybe someone else is channeling them?" suggested Pearl, dubiously.

"Well, we know it can't be Maya at least. After all, her dead body is rotting in the trunk right now." Brushel's fingers jerked involuntarily on the trunk.

Phoenix: Wait what?! Where the heck did this come from?!

Apollo: Wasn't Miss Fey alive earlier in the fic?

Edgeworth: Yet another incident that will just be brushed off, I assume.

"It was very sad that we had to kill Mystic Maya," said Pearl.

"What's this 'we' stuff, sister?" said Iris. "You're the one that shot her in the back of the head."

"But you tied her up and drugged her," shot back Pearl. "Oh, well, I loved Mystic Maya but I had to do it. After all, she was a traitor to Khurain and our cause. She was gonna tell Mr. Nick and Mr. Phoenix! That'd been sooooo bad!"

Phoenix: *stands up* OKAY! I've had it! There is absolutely NO WAY that Pearls would ever kill anyone, let alone Maya! There's bad characterization and then there's THIS!

Edgeworth: And this probably won't be the last time this happens either.

Trucy: Next thing we know, I'll actually be a spy or something. Though that would be pretty cool.

"Yes, totally right, lil sis," nodded Iris. "I'm proud of your maturity in this matter."

She and Pearl held up their terrorist training manuals and did the Khurainse Republican Army salute.

"Long live the Dragon!"

"Long live the Dragon!"


Apollo: I haven't met this Iris but based on the fact that she's Pearl's sister, there can't be a bad bone in her body.

Edgeworth: Well...that isn't always the case.

Phoenix: Yeah.

Apollo: ? What do you mean?

Phoenix: I'll...tell you later.

Brushel's mouth fell open in a silent gasp. These women were terrorists! And possibly foreigners as well! He had to tell someone about this! He fumbled with his camera and then took a picture of them doing the salute. But he left the flash on and they saw it!

Trucy: You know, for trying to spy on people, Mr. Brushel sure isn't good at it.

Apollo: Actually, I could see that being true.

Iris and Pearl hissed and bared their teeth in a way that was barely human. Spark ducked hurriedly and skated into the street. The driver's side door flew open and Iris spilled out, lying half in the car and half in the street, a Tommy gun cradled in her arms, and she started slinging lead at Spark. Ratta ratta ratta! Pearl leaned over her sister and plinked at Brushel with an SKS.

Edgeworth: The idea of Iris and Pearl wielding guns like that is just too much to believe.

Trucy: Why did the author need to put in the sound effects?

Apollo: To suck us into the action, maybe?

Phoenix: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Brushel weaved in and out of the bullets, using a trash can lid to deflect some of them, but he knew he couldn't keep this up forever. Then he spotted a delivery truck parked parallel to the street and blocking the entrance to an alleyway and he knew what he must do. He must perform an awesome trick if he wanted to survive.

Spark rolled toward the truck as the bullets grazed him, and then at just the right moment he did a cool ollie through the passenger side window, ducking, shattering the glass, and then burst through the driver side window in slow motion, a shower of glass shards flying outward.

Trucy: Neat stunts.

Edgeworth: Also idiotic, unrealistic and confusing.

He held up his middle finger to the broken window. "Sit on this, terrorists!" Pearl sniped his finger tip off and he cried and sucked on the bleeding finger and skated down the alley, thinking he was in the clear, but then the sedan crashed into the truck and started pushing it toward him!

"Uh oh, how will this intrepid freelance journalist get out of this one?" asked Spark. Then he spotted a ladder hanging from a fire escape so at just the right moment he backflipped off the board and grabbed the ladder as the truck and the sedan passed under him and crashed into some barrels of explosions and blew up.

"'Terrorist Bitches Blow It', end quote," quoted Brushel badassly, and then climbed the fire escape and onto the roof and jumped across buildings to the police station. Iris and Pearl climbed out of the flaming sedan and shot at the building in frustration.

But it was no use. He was gone.

Apollo: What's with all the explosions? Did this suddenly turn into a Michael Bay movie?

Phoenix: No, because even Bay movies have at least some competency to them.

Meanwhile... in robot orphanage...

Trucy was in the dormitory writing in her diary by the window.

Trucy: Oh...and now for something completely different!

Phoenix: What, are we just gonna ignore the action scene earlier?

Edgeworth: Well it can't be much worse than before.

"Dear diary, it's been really lonely in the orphanage lately because I lost my only friend. One thing I've learned is that robots hate magic. Jinxie (her parents were killed by terrorists) did a magic trick in the cafeteria to try cheer all the kids up but the headmistress robot lady or whatever she is got peeved the heck off and took her away. I can't be sure, but I think I heard gunshots.

Apollo: Geez! Why did John think this was a good place for Trucy to stay again?!

Trucy: Something about high tech security. Wasn't worth it.

"Hopefully it was just my imagination and she's just in solitary confinement or something. Anyway I have to go say my prayers now, but before I go I want to say that I miss Daddy and I know he's not a terrorist because that's just crazy nonsense. I also hope Apollo gets rescued from the POW camp and that my cousin John Phoenix can solve the mystery. Okay, bye!"

Apollo: Really? Because I'm perfectly fine staying in a POW camp if it means I'm spared from actually being in this story.

Edgeworth: Don't get your hopes up, Mr. Justice.

She snapped her diary shut, and just then... something happened!

Phoenix: How descriptive.

Trucy: Well at least we'll get an explanation as to what happens with that.

Meanwhile... over the ocean...

Trucy: ...or not.

Apollo: Well I guess the chapter title said that there would be "meanwhiles" in here.

Phoenix: But why? What's the point of it?

Edgeworth: Padding, I'm assuming.

The "Edgeworth II" was flying low over the water and John Phoenix and Matt Engarde were spearing fish with their bayonets.

Edgeworth: How exactly is anyone able to spear fish with a bayonet on a plane and going several miles per hour?

Trucy: Just another great accomplishment by the Mary Sue OC.

"Nice catch, John Phoenix," called Edgeworth from the front of the plane. "When you're ready to grill them, Shelly, just plug the hot plate into one of the outlets. I don't know about you all, but I'm feeling quite peckish."

As John Phoenix, Shelly, Matt, and Edgeworth ate (Edgeworth was steering with his knees), Merlin was staring sadly at the moon. It had been 1400 years since he last visited the moon. It was on that trip that he had proposed to Morgan le Fay, and she had broken his heart. There had been no other woman in his life since then.

Phoenix: Morgan le Fay? Please tell me she isn't related to her.

Edgeworth: Why would I ever steer with my knees on anything? That is just irresponsible.

Apollo: And how did Merlin ever get to the moon in the first place? Let alone in the 7th Century?

Merlin's one great regret was that he had never had a son or a daughter, someone to take up his wizard robe and hat once he was gone. Because wizards don't live forever. They're only immortal for 20,000 years and then they die. And Merlin was no spring chicken. He was an old, old wizard, and probably only had 8 years or so left.

"What will God do once I'm gone?" worried Merlin in his head. "Who will perform maintenance on heaven's security system, and make new weapons?"

Apollo: Here's a better question. Why do you even need security and weapons in heaven in the first place? And if you really do, why do you need someone like Merlin?

Phoenix: And is he really the only wizard out there? Surely there's a Dumbledore or someone like that out there.

Trucy: The more magic out there, the better!

But just then... Merlin saw something strange in the sky! The stars... they were spelling out a message...


Edgeworth: I don't suppose this will be explained now?

Meanwhile in heaven prison...

Edgeworth: I figured as much.

Godot strained against his chains.

"I've gotta escape heaven prison!" he panted.

Just then... someone entered the room!

Phoenix: ...wait, that's it? What was the point of that?

Trucy: Padding at its finest!

Meanwhile... in Detention Center Prison...

Phoenix Wright was lying on his cot, illuminated by the moonlight from the barred window.

"Hey, Nick," called Larry from the darkness of the cell opposite Phoenix's. "Uh, you got any cigarettes?"

"No, Larry. I don't smoke and neither do you."

Apollo: Didn't the fic address him as "Karl von Karma" earlier?

Edgeworth: Maybe they realized that was idiotic and decided to return Larry to normal.

Pause. "Oh, right. I knew that." Another pause. "C'mon, man, talk to me!"

"Shut up, Larry," said Phoenix, turning on his side.

"You're not still mad that I'm actually Karl von Karma and, like, kidnapped your daughter and tried to kill you and stuff, right?"

No answer.

Phoenix: Well, gee, Larry. When you put it like that, it's no wonder fic-me hates you!

Larry gripped the bars and said desperately, "You can't ignore me like this, Nick! We're brothers!"

"Larry, maybe before you betrayed me with Manfred von Karma I could have said we were like brothers. Maybe."

"No, man, we're not like brothers," said Larry. "We are brothers."


"Fraternal twins, in fact."

Phoenix sprung up. "What!"

To be continued...

Phoenix: *stares at the screen in shock*

Edgeworth: Um...Wright?

Apollo: Mr. Wright?

Trucy: Daddy?

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: *still speechless*

Apollo: I think the fic broke him.

Trucy: I'm amazed. This story found a way to break Daddy.

Edgeworth: Is it a surprise? If the fic decided I was suddenly Larry Butz's twin, I'd be in this state, too.

Apollo: Let's just...take a break for a while and hope he's okay by the time we start the next part.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 15

Phoenix: *shakes his head* Okay. I think I'm good.

Edgeworth: Are you sure? That was quite the idiotic reveal in the last chapter.

Phoenix: I've made it this far with you guys. I won't let one nonsensical plot point destroy me. Besides, with any luck, this fic will realize that it's all a bunch of crap.

Apollo: I wouldn't count on it that much, Mr. Wright.

Trucy: I don't even know what I'd do if I found out you were related to Mr. Butz.

Phoenix: Trust me. I wouldn't know, either.

Edgeworth: I don't think Larry would too, for that matter.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 24: The Genealogy of Phoenix Wright and Karl von Karma

A/N: Hmm didn't mean to make this so long. But at least now you'll know the canonical Larry Butz origin story.

Phoenix: I highly doubt this is canonical in the slightest.

Apollo: Oh great. The author admits that it's a long chapter.

In Detention Center Prison...

Phoenix was gripping the bars of his cell tightly. "Larry, you are NOT my twin brother. What are you even trying to say?" Phoenix was red faced and shaking. The nerve of this guy!

"Oh? I'm not your twin brother, am I?" Larry stuck his objection finger through the bars of his cell and adopted his Karl von Karma persona. "Prove it! Prove it with divisive evidence! As a lawyer you should know that's all that counts."

Edgeworth: That's not how burden of proof works, Larry.

Phoenix: Also, it's "decisive" evidence.

Trucy: What would "divisive" evidence even look like? Evidence that some think proves the defendant innocent and some think it proves the defendant guilty?

Apollo: That would just make things confusing.

"Okay, you know what, I'll humor you and your insane delusions," replied Phoenix. You stupid bastard, he added mentally. "I've got nothing better to do. First off, we can't be twins because you're a full year younger than me."

Phoenix: And that should end the debate right there.

Edgeworth: But knowing this story, it'll just keep going.

"Objection!" shouted Larry Butz (or was it Karl von Karma? The lines were getting blurred). "Ha. Ha ha. Nice try, fool. The mere discrepancy between our respected ages can be explained away thusfully: the first year of my life before I was found by the park ranger was a LOST YEAR. I spent most of it crawling around the forest eating moss. Moss isn't proper food for a growing baby so that explains why I didn't grow much that year and why I'm only 33."

Edgeworth: Except a baby wouldn't be able to crawl on its own for at least a few months into its development.

Apollo: And there's no possible way a baby could survive a whole year eating nothing but moss.

"Larry, that's..." Phoenix stopped and pondered. Larry's argument was surprisingly logical. Phoenix wasn't sure he could counter it. He knew that Larry had been discovered and adopted by a park ranger, so it was certainly possible he ate moss and was actually 34 but just looked 33.

Phoenix: Aaand fic-me is an idiot. That was anything but logical.

Apollo: Also, how would someone be able to tell an age difference of only one year between two people?

Trucy: Maybe they have super perceiving powers.

Apollo: Hm. I might have to test that sometime.

Larry von Karma sneered. "Giving up already, Shite? Did I go too fast for you? Use too many big words? Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. You know, your brain is so stupid compared to mine that I'm not surprised you have doubts about us being twins. Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Edgeworth: Well, I can say the author got how Larry would evilly laugh correctly. It would be quite pitiful.

Phoenix: Almost everything Larry does is pitiful.

Phoenix glared into the darkness of Larry's cell as the spine-chilling evil laughter echoed throughout the Detention Center Prison. Von Karma had corrupted his friend and turned him into a monster. Phoenix suddenly became determined to drag Larry out of the darkness and save him, just as he had saved Edgeworth all those years ago. His eyes narrowed, similar to how John Phoenix's eyes narrow.

Phoenix knew that Larry's logic about his age was ironclad, and also watertight, because the iron was watertight iron, so he decided to attack from another angle.

Apollo: Watertight iron? What the heck is that supposed to be?

Phoenix: More pointless analogies by the author, I guess.

"Larry!" he cried. "There's another reason we can't be twins. Because we have different parents."

"Oh, scoff," scoffed Karl von Karma. "That hardly means anything, Shite."

"Um, it means a LOT actually, Larry. Do you even know what a twin is?"

"Of course I know, you bumbling baboon," snapped Karl Butz. He wagged his finger, and while Phoenix couldn't see it, because it was dark, he could hear the sound waves caused by the wagging. "I never claimed we both shared the SAME SET of parents. We only have the same mother. We have different fathers."

Edgeworth: Even if we follow this ridiculous logic, wouldn't that just make them half siblings?

Phoenix: How would fic-me and fic-Larry even be twins if we had the same mother but different fathers?

"Hold it right there!" shouted Phoenix. "Aha, then you just admitted we're not twins!"

"OBJECTION" said Larry, and he sounded just like Manfred von Karma. "Shite, please, I've admitted nothing except my own correctitude! Our mother was carrying babies from two different fathers at the same time. And those babies were us!"

"Larry, that's impossible."

"HA HA HA HA! Nicholas, you ignorant swine, you played right into my trap! A woman can get pregnant from two different dudes at the same time! The medical term for this phenomenon is 'hyperfecundism'. Dad told me all about it."

Phoenix: that really a thing?

Edgeworth: *sigh* Yes, but for one thing, it's called "superfecundation." And another thing, it's very rare in humans and is more common in animals.

Trucy: Wow, Mr. Edgeworth. You know a lot about this stuff.

Edgeworth: It pays to do research, Trucy.

Phoenix stared. "Larry, are you really... honestly... trying to tell me that my mother slept with Manfred von Karma?"

"Yeah, at least once," nodded Larry. "Probably more? Dunno. Anyway, the time frame for two eggs getting fertilized by different fathers is really, really, really small, so she must have been screwing your dad and my dad at basically the same time. Oh, and we're actually fraternal triplets as well as twins. Your dad probably isn't your dad."

Phoenix: Okay, the idea that my mother, even if it's only in a story, would EVER sleep with Manfred von Karma is just sickening.

Apollo: And triplets? Even if we accept the "superfecundation" explanation, I'm sure triplets having different fathers is almost biologically impossible.

Phoenix's knees buckled. If he were a weaker man he might have swooned.

"Ha. Ha. Ha ha ha," laughed Larry. "I can hear your knees buckling, Shite. Ready to admit defeat?"

"No..." whispered Phoenix through gritted teeth. "Larry, I don't believe a word you say. Twins is unbelievable enough, but triplets? That's absurd."

Phoenix: At least fic-me is kinda holding onto his sanity.

Trucy: Barely, by the looks of it, Daddy.

Larry shrugged. "What's so assured about it? Nick, admit it, you're just a dumbass when compared to my lustrous personage."

Edgeworth: Says the man who didn't even graduate high school.

Apollo: Is this guy really a jerk?

Phoenix: Not really. Just...confused.

Edgeworth: And an idiot.

"You have no evidence!" screamed Phoenix. "You could have just made all that junk up! Yeah," he said, brightening, "you made everything up! You're just an insane liar!"

"OBJECTION" said Karl von Karma calmly. "I have evidence." He opened his mouth and pressed a button on a tooth and the top popped open like a lid. He took a tiny folded piece of paper out of the tooth.

Edgeworth: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Trucy: That looks like a neat trick!

Apollo: More like an impossible trick.

"I was sure the guards were gonna find this," he explained, "but it turns out a cavity search didn't mean what I thought it did." He flicked the wad of paper into Phoenix's cell.

Phoenix unfolded the paper, which took a long time because it had been folded millions of times, but when he was done what he held in his hands was a letter from Manfred von Karma!

"Go on," urged Larry, "read it. It'll explain everything... brother."

Phoenix gulped. He read the letter with shaky hands and eyeballs.

Phoenix: Oh boy. I can't WAIT to see this explanation.

"Dear Manfred von Karma (i.e. me),

Ten months ago I had an affair with Sarah Wright, the wife of James Wright, the famous writer. Why did I have an affair? Simplicity in itself: my wife was in a coma at the time and it was imperative that I cheat on her. In fact, I had induced the coma for just such a purpose. Why? Because, being a moral man, I needed to create a justifiable excuse prior to cheating. Unfortunately, nine months after sleeping with Sarah I learned that she was in the hospital about to give birth.

Edgeworth: ...Von Karma is anything but a moral man.

Phoenix: And even if he was, that's the worst excuse for "being a moral man" out there.

I immediately entered a cold sweat upon hearing the news on TV. 'Vexes!' I vexed. 'If that baby is mine, and the fact is discovered, as it inevitably must, then my honor will be tainted forever!" I was freaking out.

Edgeworth: I could believe that Von Karma would do something like that.

Apollo: Really? That sounds like a pretty big overreaction.

Phoenix: This is the guy that killed a defense attorney because he gave him a penalty in court.

Apollo: ...oh.

I knew I must take drastic action. But then I was interrupted by my accursed daughter, Francesca von Karma, who walked into the living room dragging her stuffed Snoopy doll.

'Daddy?' she had asked, rubbing her eyes. 'What's wrong?'

'Silents you foolish fool of a child,' I barked. I threw her doll into the fireplace and it exploded into ashes. Then I quickly put her into a temporary coma (perfectly harmless) and tucked her back into bed. Then I got into my car and drove to the hospital to steal my bastard child.

Trucy: Geez! This guy is a jerk!

Edgeworth: That's quite the understatement, Trucy.

Phoenix: Also, how can a temporary coma be harmless?

Trucy: Um...yeah, I've got nothing.

Apollo: Huh. That's a first for you, Trucy.

I knew I wouldn't be interrupted in my child abduction schemes because I was wearing a disguise: nurse scrubs, a face mask, and a surgical cap. With this brilliant disguise I had rendered myself all but invisible. I walked down the halls like a shadow to the room where Sarah Wright was giving birth.

James Wright was standing in front of a vending machine outside Sarah's room. He inserted a dollar into the machine and watched stupidly as it ate his dollar.

Phoenix: Yes, because my father would CLEARLY be doing something like that when his own wife is giving birth!

Trucy: I certainly hope Grandpa wouldn't do anything like that.

Phoenix: Don't worry, Trucy. He wouldn't. I think.

'Huh,' he said. 'Guess I have to put more money in.' He was out of ones so he started feeding the machine hundred dollar bills.

Phoenix: What, did the author get tired of ruining my dignity so they decided to move on to my fic-family's dignity?

Apollo: Who carries around a bunch of hundred dollar bills, anyway?

'Fool,' I whispered smirkingly under my breath and my face mask as I passed him by. Before I got to the hospital I had called my slave Donald Gumshoe with my car phone and had him plant James's favorite brand of candy bar in the machine, and then Donald sabotaged the machine so it would eat his bills. That way, James Wright would be distracted indefinitely by the vending machine.

All part of my plan to abduct a newborn infant.

Edgeworth: "Donald Gumshoe?" I'm assuming he's this fic's version of Detective Gumshoe's father?

Phoenix: I wonder what his father is actually like.

Edgeworth: I can't say I know. He's never talked much about him or his past. Apart from wanting to be a wizard.

Trucy: Well I say that's a noble goal to strive for!

Apollo: Are we just gonna ignore the stupid explanation for why Mr. Wright's father isn't with his wife who's giving birth?

Phoenix: No, but I think it's too stupid to even acknowledge.

I entered the labor room and then quickly locked the door. Luckily for me, no one else was in the room except Sarah Wright, who was under anesthesia and dead to the world. Oh, and a doctor, but he was unconscious because my other slave, Dylan Engarde, had shot him through the window with a tranquilizer dart.

Phoenix: Now they're giving ENGARDE a family? Why? Why not just make them ordinary people?

Trucy: Maybe just in case the author decides to randomly insert them into the story.

Apollo: Also, who keeps a window open in a hospital just before giving birth?

I pulled up a chair and dry washed my hands in anticipation. 'Come on, you wretched harlot,' I said. 'Give birth already!' Then the baby was birthed. I picked it up and looked the crying thing over. Yes, this baby was certainly mine. I cut the cord and then moved to the window to escape, but then I heard more crying, and not from the baby in my arms!

Trucy: Um...I'm pretty sure giving birth is a more strenuous process than that.

Apollo: How exactly would you know?

Trucy: I paid attention in health class!

Phoenix: Really? Your teacher's report says otherwise.

Trucy: *shudders* It was like staring at a car crash that day. I couldn't NOT look away.

'What's this?' I turned and saw that there was another newborn baby lying on the floor! Where had it come from, I wondered? I had locked the door, and I had been facing the window, so this new baby couldn't have entered the room through any of the available means of ingress, so this was, in fact, a locked room birthing mystery!

I coolly and logically assessed the situation. The baby couldn't have been birthed by me, because I hadn't been impregnated; moreover, I was a man. The unconscious doctor was wearing pants, so there was no way HE could have birthed this crying monstrosity on the floor. Therefore, the only possibility explanation was that Sarah Wright had given birth a second time. I nodded. This must be the case.

Apollo: Impeccable logic, Mr. von Karma.

Edgeworth: I don't suppose the author could simply point out that males can't give birth and left it at that. Von Karma might be despicable, but he isn't an idiot. He could've easily figured that out.

Trucy: More padding, I guess.

But was this baby also mine?

I went to check, but while I was logically assessing, Sarah had given birth yet again, this time to a girl! I minutely observed this new baby's facial features and saw that she bore a strong resemblance to James.

'Hyperfecundism...' I murmured knowingly.

Edgeworth: Again, it's superfecundation.

Phoenix: Would he really be able to determine who the father is by a simple glance?

I lined all the babies up on the floor. I wasn't taking any chances. I used the DNA testing equipment in the room to extract all the babies' DNA. According to the results, the first baby was, indeed, mine; the girl belonged to James; and the second boy was from an unknown person.

I tucked my baby under my arm, and then, cackling, I decided to play a little trick. I forged the DNA results, and then I left a note addressed to James saying that the BOY was his and that the girl was a bastardess. It was the other way around, of course, but the idea of James raising some other man's spawn and potentially giving up his own biological child for adoption tickled me.

Apollo: This seems entirely unnecessary.

Phoenix: Also, based on what was said, fic-me's father is unknown. I'm betting this story will make it so it's revealed late in the fic to be someone like Gant or Merlin or something like that.

Why didn't I leave all three babies behind? Easy: I couldn't risk them checking my son's DNA and determining he was mine. I had to dispose of him myself. I escaped via the window and then drove to the forest and threw the baby as hard as I could into the woods.

Edgeworth: And why didn't he ever think of killing the baby? That would be much easier.

Trucy: Maybe the author just thought it was cruel.

Apollo: More cruel than all the other stuff that John's done throughout the story?

'Good rubbish to bad trash,' I said. Then I drove home and revived my daughter from her coma.

I had Donald Gumshoe keep tabs on the Wrights after that. It seems James did indeed accept the boy as his biological son. He named him 'Phoenix'. That name is stupid. Also, according to Donald, James entered the hospital room before his wife woke up and disposed of the girl himself. It seems he sent her to live with distant relatives of his. They named her 'Mary'.

Why am I writing all this down? Simple: one day I may wish to share this story with someone. Who knows? Maybe my child will survive the forest and we can bond over his abandonment. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's a laugh.

Signed, Manfred von Karma."

Trucy: Well...that's one way to bond with a kid.

Phoenix: This does beg the question: why would Larry join up with his father if he abandoned him and left him to die?

Edgeworth: Either it'll be brushed aside or given an idiotic explanation.

Phoenix crumpled the letter in his hand and slumped to the floor.

"Well, Nick?" called Larry from his cell. "What do you think?"

"Am I expected to believe... that my mother was pregnant with THREE different men's babies at the same time?"

Phoenix: I know I don't.

Edgeworth: To suggest that this is even a possibility is unfathomable.

Larry shrugged. "Face it, Nick, mom got around a lot."

"This proves nothing," said Phoenix. "NOTHING, Larry. This is just... a product of von Karma's diseased mind."

"I thought you might think that," said Larry. "Do you have a scar on the underside of your forearm?"


"Just roll up your sleeve and check."

Phoenix went over to his bed and checked his arm by the light of the moon. He did have a small scar.

"How did you know about this, Larry?" asked Phoenix. "I mean, it's pretty small, and I never told you..."

"DNA testing equipment scar, dude," said Larry softly. He held a match up to his arm. "I got one too."

Phoenix couldn't believe it. This was proof. Undeniable proof that they were related. He had a twin brother.

Phoenix: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Apollo: I wonder what other surprise revelations this story will give for the others.

Trucy: Hopefully it doesn't break Daddy any more.

"Larry, you win," said Phoenix. "You're my brother. You've proved it. But von Karma being your dad and abandoning you in the woods doesn't explain why you joined up with him and went along with his crazy schemes."

There was a pregnant pause. Almost as pregnant as Sarah Wright had been 34 years ago.

Edgeworth: Ah, I assume we're about to get the idiotic explanation.

Apollo: "Pregnant pause?" What kind of analogy is THAT?!

"Manfred von Karma... dad..." Larry choked up. "He offered me a destiny, Nick. He said I could be his apprentice and follow in his footsteps."

"That's it?" asked Phoenix. "That's really it?"

"Everyone else I knew had a destiny, Nick," said Larry. "Your destiny is to be a good lawyer. Maya is a fortune teller. Edgeworth is Chief Army Lawyer. But what about me? I'm nobody special. I tried publishing one of my children's books, and you know what the publisher sent back in response? He said this: 'Even my child thinks this book is bad. I shall publish it never.' So, the whole children's author-slash-illustrator thing was a write-off."

Trucy: Huh. That's...almost an interesting reason. Almost.

"No, seriously, that's it? THAT'S IT?"

But Larry continued monologuing. "But I could accept it. More or less. Okay, I was no one special, big whoop. I could still be a decent person. But then on the day when I drove you to court, that bastard John Phoenix treated me like an animal! He looked at me like I was fly covered turd! He didn't even thank me! What, I'm supposed to be his slave or something? So, yeah, when dad offered me a chance to BE someone and get even with that fucker, I was all for it! If you wanna blame anyone, blame yourself for letting your nephew act like such a little shithead."

Apollo: We know the main character treats everyone and everything like crap and the fic is only NOW acknowledging this?!

Phoenix: I almost don't blame fic-Larry for doing what he did. Almost.

Phoenix shook his head in disbelief. "Larry, this is crazy. John Phoenix may have his faults, but he is hardly a 'shithead' or a 'bastard' (except in the literal sense). Let's not forget that he saved my daughter three or four times now, saved Maya AND Maya as Mia, and last but not least stopped a bunch of Nazis from blowing up a school bus. He's a hero, Larry. And I'm proud of him."

"Oh my god, you're right," cried Larry. He weeped openly. "How could I have been so blind? I'm so sorry, Nick. I apologize to you and John Phoenix. John Phoenix is an amazing person. I swear to you, brother, that I'm gonna change. No, for real. I'm not gonna count on anyone else to give me my destiny, or let society tell me what it is. I'm gonna make my own!"

Apollo: And just like that, he's convinced he was in the wrong?!

Edgeworth: Actually, this isn't that out of character for someone like Larry.

Apollo: I kinda wanna meet this guy, but at the same time, I don't...

Well, your destiny now is rotting in prison for the rest of your life, thought Phoenix. But he kept quiet.

"Oh, and Nick," began Larry. "I know you're innocent. You're no terrorist."

Phoenix smiled. "Thanks... brother."

A little while later, Phoenix lay in bed and wondered who his real father could possibly be...

Phoenix: Probably someone who's given a stupid reason to be in this story and be my father.

Meanwhile... in Khurain...

A man with a shadowy face stood in front of a opulent fireplace swirling a crystal goblet filled with water and multivitamins. His body was a temple, and he wouldn't defile it with sugary drinks or drugs like coffee or alcohol.

(This is a different shadowy person from the one in the last chapter, by the way.)

Apollo: What kind of guy drinks a mixture of water and multivitamins?

Trucy: Maybe he wanted to stay extra healthy.

Edgeworth: Also, the multiple shadow people won't be confusing in the slightest. I know it.

He sat down in his armchair and brooded. He had a lot to brood over nowadays. The offenses of the King and Queen against the common people were getting worse everyday. One day he would depose them, and liberate his country, and then the entire world. He smirked largely. How ironic that he, a man living in the royal palace and beloved by the royal family, was actively working against them.

There was just one person who worried him... John Phoenix. He was coming to Khurain. The man knew that both of them couldn't live. It was their destiny to fight to the death. That's what his father told him.

Just then Manfred von Robot flew into the room through a doggy door.

"Master, I just got word that John Phoenix is on his way to Khurain!" said the 3D representation of Manfred's face.

Phoenix: Wait, I thought the earlier chapters suggested that Von Karma was working only with Gant.

Edgeworth: And Gant's gone so who's this supposed to be?

Apollo: And how the heck would anybody figure out that it's their child's "destiny" to fight a Mary Sue character like John?

"I already knew that, Manfred," said the man. "No one can hide anything from me. Not even John Phoenix."

"You're truly amazing, master! But what should we do about it?"

"Nothing. Let's see how this plays out. Also, don't call me 'master'. You are my friend. Yes, friend... I have friends, unlike that despicable John Phoenix, who only has servants and lackeys."

He stroked Manfred von Robot's chassis as the evil robot purred. "Isn't that right? Ahahaha!"

To be continued...

Trucy: Wow. Cliched, much?

Phoenix: What a way to end a chapter.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: I think I need some asprin.

Edgeworth: We all do.

Apollo: Just how much longer IS this story?

Trucy: If the author's right, and this is chapter 24, then there's six chapters left.

Apollo: That's six chapters too many.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 16

Phoenix: I'm running out of things to say about this story. I mean, can we get any more stupid after this fic says that I'm Larry's twin?

Edgeworth: There's still six chapters left. There's still time to up the idiocy.

Apollo: Or, there's still time for the author to leave with at least a tiny shred of dignity.

Trucy: You really think that'll happen, Polly?

Apollo: It would help us, at least.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 25: John Phoenix Arrives in Khurain

Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean...

Miles Edgeworth, who was a man who was a prosecutor who was also a military prosecutor who was also Chief Army Lawyer and who was also flying a triplane, was staring up in awe at the strange stars in the night sky. He had never seen anything like what he was now seeing visually.

Edgeworth: I highly doubt that anyone has seen a message in the sky saying "SOS."

Apollo: Also, hooray for redundant explanations.

"I've never anything like it," said Miles Edgeworth, referring to the strange message spelled out by the stars, which had been rearranged by some unknown force to spell out "S.O.S".

Edgeworth: Thank you, author. You literally just stated in the last paragraph that fic-me hasn't seen anything like that. You didn't need to repeat it in dialogue form.

Phoenix: You really think the author will take your advice at this point?

Edgeworth: It was worth a shot.

"I'm pretty sure that's called a constellation, I think," said Matt Engarde. John Phoenix tweaked his nose for speaking out of turn and being stupid.

"Matthew, what we are now witnessing is hardly what can be termed a 'constellation,'" scolded John Phoenix. "Use that wad of chewing gum you call your brain and THINK! Constellations are things like the Big Dipper, or the Little Dipper. They are not words, or more accurately letters, arranged in the sky. No; this is a message. No; this is a cry for help."

Apollo: For once, John's arrogance is actually kinda justified. Who in their right mind would think this was just a constellation after seeing that?

Trucy: Who knows? Maybe there's some weird constellation out there like that?

Edgeworth: No constellation like that exists, Trucy.

"I agree with your assessment, John Phoenix," replied Edgeworth. "But who sent out the SOS star signal?"

"Hmph hmph hmph... obviously it must be someone with the ability to move the stars. Also it must be someone in the SKY."

Edgeworth nodded slowly. "That makes logic... to be able to move the stars, whoever did it would have to able to move the stars, and be in the sky."

Phoenix: Shouldn't the answer be obvious to them?

Trucy: I guess the author needed to spell it out to the audience again.

"Exactly," said John Phoenix. "And since the moon was nuked by the United States last year and all human life on the moon was wiped out, the stars couldn't have been rearranged by star-moving technology on the moon, thus the SOS must be coming from HEAVEN!"

Edgeworth: Okay, what? Now we're throwing in that the moon was blown up by nuclear weapons?

Phoenix: And that there was life on the moon beforehand?

Apollo: And that there's technology that can move stars?

Trucy: That's a lot to process in only one paragraph. Though I don't think that's the first time this happened.

Everyone was impressed by how quickly and effortlessly John Phoenix had solved the mystery.

"Impressive work, my boy," complimented Merlin. "God must be in a spot of trouble. Oh my, I hope it's nothing too serious," he added worriedly. "In all my years of friendship with God I've never known him to send out SOS signals with stars!"

Phoenix: Why would God need help like that? Isn't God supposed to be omnipotent in most religions?

Trucy: Who exactly was God expecting to respond to the SOS call anyway?

John Phoenix psychically took control of Shelly de Killer's hand and used it pat Merlin on the shoulder. "Fret not, Merlin," said John Phoenix, "I'll just contact Maya Fey and have her channel someone to confirm what's going on in heaven."

Merlin's heart skipped a beat. Fey? Could this Maya be a relative of his old flame Morgan le Fey?

Phoenix: Are we ever gonna elaborate on this relationship Merlin had with Morgan?

Apollo: I hope not. I don't want to think of a romantic relationship a 20,000 year old wizard has with anyone.

Before Merlin could think any more thoughts, John Phoenix interrupted him by frowning and saying: "Hmph, that's odd, I can't make contact with Maya Fey. Her mind is closed to me. She must be sleeping or perhaps in an alcoholic stupor." He shrugged. "Oh well, it hardly matters. I'll try again later. God can handle himself."

Edgeworth: Or that she's dead. Like it was stated in the last chapter. Why doesn't he think of that?

Phoenix: I thought this guy was supposed to be one of the best logical thinkers ever.

Apollo: Not if his logic is ridiculous like it was for most of the story.

"Maybe this star thing is just a prank," offered Matthew. "I mean, God's always playing pranks on people in the bible." John Phoenix punched him in the mouth for disrespecting the bible.

"Matthew, be quiet," said John Phoenix. "You don't deserve to have a bible name. Be quiet."

Phoenix: At least I can get behind punching Engarde in the mouth.

Apollo: That's awfully cruel of you, Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: You have no idea what this guy did.

Suddenly there was geomagnetic storm and the plane's navigation system went haywire!

"Oh no!" cried Edgeworth. "Now how will we get to Khurain?"

But then the bullet containing Mary Wright's soul started pulling against the chain around John Phoenix's neck, so he slipped it off and she darted ahead and guided the plane toward Khurain. She knew the way because she had served as a nurse there before she had been fired for getting pregnant.

"Nice job, mother," said John Phoenix, and the bullet flitted around happily.

"Your mother's soul guiding us to our destination is truly a miracle of God, John Phoenix," remarked Edgeworth.

All: ...

Apollo: Um...what was the point of that part?

Trucy: More padding!

Edgeworth: Why would it be anything else?

"Oh, that reminds me," said John Phoenix, "I have to send a telepathic communication to my cousin and remind her to say her prayers. Her soul is constant danger of going to hell when she dies because of her magic shows." He closed his eyes and pressed a finger tip against his temple. His brow furrowed. "Oh? Again?"

Trucy: Hey! Magic isn't demonic or satanic!

Phoenix: Also, if he really was concerned for Trucy, why didn't he say anything earlier?

Edgeworth: Apparently the safety of his family isn't a high concern.

Miles glanced over his shoulder. "What is it, John Phoenix?"

"Nothing much, Miles, apparently there's been a murder at the orphanage and my cousin has been arrested again," said John Phoenix.

Trucy: *sigh* Honestly, why should I even be surprised? Fic-me's been accused three times now, kidnapped twice and been treated almost as bad as fic-Daddy.

Phoenix: Even Maya isn't THAT unlucky.

He remembered something. "Oh, by the way, why is my cousin's last name 'Wright'? According to my research, when my uncle adopted her her father wasn't dead, merely on the run. Shouldn't she have kept her father's name? Why did she take my Uncle Phoenix's name?"

Phoenix: Well given her father was nowhere to be found, he was presumed dead and she had no known living relatives. As such, I took her in and she took my last name.

Apollo: Of course, I'm betting this fic is gonna give a stupid explanation for that.

Trucy: What could be so bad about an explanation about why my last name is "Wright?"

"Oh, that's because he married her." Edgeworth saw John Phoenix's shocked and disgusted reaction in the rearview mirror and chuckled. "Oh, don't worry, he didn't do it for any immoral reason. It was simply a marriage of convenience. You see, after Zak Gramarye disappeared and Trucy was left alone in the world, Wright tried to adopt her, but the government is justifiably wary of letting single, childless, forging men with hippie haircuts adopt children. Marrying her was the easiest way to obtain legal guardianship. She's technically Mrs. Wright."

All: ...

Phoenix: *stands up suddenly and throws hands up* That's it. I'm done.

Edgeworth: Wright? What are you-

Phoenix: *walks to the exit* I can't take this anymore. I'm out of here!

Apollo: Mr. Wright! Wait!

[Phoenix tries to open the exit to the Sporking Theater, surprised to discover that it's unlocked. He walks out, only to be thrown back in by an unseen force.]

Phoenix: Ugh...

Trucy: Daddy! Are you alright?

Phoenix: Physically? Been worse. Emotionally? Not even close to alright.

Edgeworth: I can't say I don't sympathize. I thought fic-you being siblings with Larry was bad but that is by far, the most disgusting, idiotic logic this story and this author has given us.

Apollo: And the worst part is, I'm almost positive they'll find some way to top it.

Phoenix: *slowly gets off the floor and returns to his seat*

So now you know why her name is Wright.

John Phoenix shook his head in righteous indignation and disbelief. "What a strange, bizarre little fellow my uncle is! I, John Phoenix, would never marry a child." Just one more reason why John Phoenix is better than Phoenix Wright. He's also 2 cm taller.

Phoenix: Thanks fic. As if my character wasn't shattered enough already.

Trucy: Don't worry, Daddy. Remember that this is just a fic. You could top this guy in any court case! I know it!

"Well," replied Edgeworth, "as my sister would say, he is a foolish fool! Now what's this about a murder?"

"It's hardly worth mentioning further, Miles. I'll simply arrange to have my friend Marvin Grossberg represent her." 1 second passed. "It is done. Now, onward to Khurain!"

Trucy: Wow. They're taking the fact that fic-me was accused of murder yet again very lightly.

Phoenix: *still glum* I almost envy the position fic-you is in, Trucy.

Apollo: (Wow. That last part really took a toll on Mr. Wright.)

The plane flew bravely through magnetic storm, and the rain, because it was also raining, and followed the tiny bullet to the strange foreign country...

Edgeworth: Actually, now that I think about it, was the part about Trucy even necessary? It didn't contribute anything to the overall plot and if it was written out, nothing would've changed much.

Phoenix: Oh my god. *stands up* Oh. My. God. Not only was this part an insult to me AND my family, but it was also completely pointless. Does the author just hate me? Is that what this is? I mean they probably hate Athena because they don't even acknowledge her existence but at least she's spared the humiliation of this story! From the very beginning, this entire story has done nothing but make me look terrible! Does the author have a grudge against me or something? Because I'd like to know! What have I done that would make this author write this over 25 chapter story about how my fictional nephew is better than me in almost every, if not every, way possible? Or does the author just enjoy making me look bad? Am I just a puppet for their sick fantasies about how they could make a character that surpasses me? I'm honestly not sure which possibility I'd prefer! I'm not gonna act like I'm the best human being on the planet, but I'd like to think that I have at least some form of competence at what I do and how I do it! Sure, I make mistakes, but I work to fix them! I learn from them! And I have dignity! Dignity that's being spat on with every single mention of my name in this god awful fic! And I've seen rumors that this guy wants to put John in the next game! Well, the author can dream on, because absolutely NOBODY would want to put this terrible excuse of a character in a video game! I don't care if he's supposed to be fic-me's nephew! He is the worst OC I've ever seen and I absolutely despise him in every way! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

[The others look stunned at Phoenix's rant, as the attorney finally sits down, sighing.]

Trucy: Feel better, Daddy?

Phoenix: A little. Good to finally get that off my chest. Also, sorry about the fourth wall break there.

Speakers: We'll...uh...we'll let that slide.

Phoenix: Let's just continue.

Meanwhile, in heaven prison...

A shadowy figure entered Godot's cell. Then another shadowy figure entered the cell.

(These are different shadowy figures from the ones in the last two chapters, by the way.)

Edgeworth: As if this fic needed more shadowy figures.

Phoenix: I'm just glad they're talking about someone other than me.

"Who are you?" Godot barked. "And why the hell am I in this godforsaken cloudless prison of bricks!"

One of the shadowy figures stepped forward into the rays of light slanting through the window (it's always daytime in heaven) and revealed himself to be Damon Gant! And then the other figure stepped forward and he was also Damon Gant!

Apollo: Wait, what?

Edgeworth: It's probably the Phantom.

Phoenix: But if the author hates Athena, then you'd think that the author would want nothing to do with the criminal who is associated the most with Athena.

"What!" shouted Godot. "Two Damon Gants at the same time!"

"Shut up," said Damon Gant, and he hit Godot with an object and he resumed not being conscious.

"Hahahaha!" laughed Damon Gant and Damon Gant.

Trucy: Why couldn't this have just been done in an earlier chapter?

Apollo: Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe for padding?

Edgeworth: Or the author desperately wanted a dramatic reveal.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles...

Spark Brushel was silhouetted against the full moon, jumping across huge gaps between buildings on his way to the police station to report the terrorists. Suddenly he noticed the City Hall building across the street.

Apollo: Okay, there's absolutely NO way that Brushel has any superhuman abilities, other than the ability to make any place he's in smell minty.

Trucy: Also, City Hall isn't the police station. Why not go to the actual police station?

"Hmm," mused Spark, "maybe I should take this directly to the mayor himself, make a dramatic entrance! And maybe I'll eat him out about how I've been unfairly blacklisted and beaten up for trying to feed myself." His eyes sparkled and he spread out his hands. "I can see the headline now... 'Freelance Journalist Stops Terrorists, Eats Out Mayor', end quote."

Phoenix: But the ordinance had to come from somewhere. You'd think Brushel could put two and two together and figure out the mayor had something to do with it.

Edgeworth: Common sense doesn't exist within this fic, apparently.

He shimmied down a water pipe and ran up the steps to the building and burst through the doors.

"Get me the mayor, ASAP!" he shouted, waving the photos over his head (they were taken with an instant camera). "I have pictures of terrorists!"

The clerk gawked at him. "Huh?" Spark grabbed him by the tie.

Phoenix: To be fair, that's about the reaction I'd have to someone like that making a claim like that.

"I said ASAP, man! Do you need me to spell it out for you? A, S, A, P! That spells ASAP!"

The clerk picked up a telephone. "Sir, there's a dirty street hooligan here raving about terrorists... he has photos... should I have security throw him out...? No...? I shouldn't? What's that? Don't kick him out...? Send him up...? Now...? Stop repeating everything you say...? You damned idiot...?"

Phoenix: *stifles a snicker*

Edgeworth: Wright? Did you just...?

Phoenix: *sighs* Okay, I'll give this fic credit. That was actually kinda funny. Doesn't make up for the past, though.

Trucy: Well, something positive is better than nothing.

Moments later Spark was shown into the mayor's office. A police officer was dumping the contents of a garbage can onto the desk.

"Here's all the food we liberated from the homeless masses today, sir."

The Mayor rubbed his hands. "Good work, son, good work. You're excused." The cop left.

"Now what's all this about terrorism, son?" asked the mayor, digging in with a fork and knife. "You have, ah, pictures?"

Apollo: Is...this story showing a mayor eating literal garbage?

Edgeworth: I believe so.

Phoenix: And that should be the green light for Brushel to get the heck out of there.

Brushel threw the pictures onto the desk. The mayor looked them over.

"I also overheard the terrorists say they had a dead body in the trunk of their car," said Spark. "I can show you where it is."

"That won't be necessary." The mayor picked up the pictures and threw them into the fireplace!

Phoenix: I knew it.

Trucy: What kind of mayor's office has a fireplace in it, anyway?

Apollo: Now that I think about it, there are quite a few fireplaces mentioned in the story. Does the author have an obsession over them, too?

Edgeworth: It wouldn't surprise me.

"Hey, sir, why'd you do that?" asked Spark.

"Because I'm a terrorist, son," said the mayor.

Trucy: Well, at least they're cutting to the chase.

"!" said Spark. "I will tell people you said that."

The mayor smiled evilly. "I will just say you are lying. I will say I did not say that. Also, you will not get the chance to say that I said that." He activated a silent alarm and two guards came out from behind revolving bookcases and grabbed Brushel's shoulders. He gulped.

Phoenix: Again, Brushel really should've seen this one coming.

"Take him to prison, boys," said the mayor.

"Y-you can't do this!" cried Spark. "I have rights!"

"Rights aren't for garbage-dwelling scumbags like you. Besides, you've committed a crime."

"Me? C-c-crime? Absurd! Surely you jest, sir!"

The mayor took a gun out of his desk with a napkin and threw it at Spark, who caught it, confused.

"Uh oh," sneered the mayor, "it seems your fingerprints are on that gun. I don't believe you have a permit to carry one, especially not on government property. Arrest him on weapon charges!"

Edgeworth: That is one of the most lazy ways to frame someone I've seen.

Spark raised the gun and pulled the trigger, but nothing came out of the gun except "Click!"

"Make it attempted murder, too," yawned the mayor, going back to eating garbage.

"NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!" howeled Spark as he dragged away. The mayor chuckled and did the KRA salute.

Apollo: That makes you wonder how he even got elected in the first place.

Trucy: Corrupt politicians always have good charisma, Polly.

Edgeworth: Certainly not wrong.

The next day... Khurain...

Klavier Gavin was lounging in a hammock outside a house near the rice paddies. The peasants had taken Ron DeLite in because it turned out Ron's head really WAS falling off and he was too weak to go on. Klavier insisted that he and his men stay behind and be housed and fed as well, because his motto was "No man left behind!"

Phoenix: Wow. Selfish much?

He was wearing a fuzzy robe which used to belong the peasant dad who got killed by the laser, and he was also wearing cool shades and flipping through a magazine while sipping lemonade.

Apollo: Okay, in any other circumstance, I would believe that's something he'd do.

Trucy: Do you really have so little faith in Prosecutor Gavin, Polly?

Apollo: Not enough faith to believe he'd turn down a way to look like a celebrity.

"Mein Gott, Will Powers is reprising his role in the upcoming Steel Samurai movie? Oh, spare me. The last thing I want to watch is some, what, 80 year senior citizen push his walker around Neo Olde Tokyo looking for the applesauce aisle. HARD pass. Get John Phoenix, THEN maybe it'll be watchable."

Edgeworth: Nonsense! Will Powers is the definitive Steel Samurai and nobody else can ever top him!

Everyone else: *stares at Edgeworth*

Edgeworth: Ahem. Anyway...

Suddenly a shadow fell over Klavier. He lifted his glass without looking up and clinked the ice.

"About time, Jessica, I could use a refill, ja?"

"Brrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaainnnnnnnnsss..." the shadow moaned.

Klavier spun around in the hammock and landed on the ground! Standing over him was Jean Armstrong... as a zombie!

Apollo: Wait, now we're bringing zombies into the story?

Trucy: Ooh. This could be cool.

"BRAINS!" the zombie shouted. It lunged at Klavier but he somersaulted away and ran away!

"Johns! Woodman! HEEELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEE!" he cried as Armstrong chased him.

The windows of the house flew open and Max Galactica and Ben Woodman shot at the zombie! Pew! Pew! But it was no use; the bullets had no effect!

Phoenix: Wow. Those are some pretty weak bullets.

Edgeworth: Perhaps this is a way for John to come to their rescue out of nowhere.

Klavier splashed into the rice paddies and ran over to the peasant daughter from earlier and hid behind her.

"Jessica, liebling, help me!"

The girl hit Armstrong with her peasant rice cultivation tool, but it bounced off harmlessly!

"Alas, Mr. Gavin, my peasant tool had no effect," Jessica said in a Khurainese accent.

"YOU'RE a peasant tool," he said harshly, then threw her to the ground and ran further into the field, the zombie in hot pursuit!

Apollo: Okay, THAT I would never believe he would do.

Phoenix: The only one I could believe would do something like that is John Phoenix.

He almost got away but then he tripped on water and fell!


Klavier thought it was all over... but then he noticed a triplane in the sky!

Edgeworth: For once, I hate being right.

Trucy: How do you trip on water?

"A triplane? Could it be...?"

Just then something fell from the plane and hurtled toward the Earth. It was... yes, it's John Phoenix on his custom motorcycle! John Phoenix landed on Armstrong's head and did a cool wheelie on his face. The spinning tire ripped all the skin off and then crushed the skull and the zombie's brain shot out of the head like a banana out of a peel and it sailed into the distance.

John Phoenix fired a grenade with his custom M16 and it embedded itself in the brain and the brain exploded in midair and chunks of brain matter went flying everywhere in a five mile radius.

Phoenix: Ugh. Just...ugh.

"That's the only way to kill a zombie," explained John Phoenix, wiping brain juice off his aviators. Klavier couldn't help but think that John Phoenix looked like a knight in shining armor sitting on a mighty steed, except the shining armor was a green suit and it wasn't shining.

Then the triplane hovered low over the field. It could do this because it was a VTOL triplane. Edgeworth lowered a rope ladder.

"Need a lift back to base?"

Apollo: VTOL?

Edgeworth: It means it can hover above the ground a few feet. not a thing triplanes can do.

Phoenix: Also, how are they gonna fit them all in the plane if it has five seats?

Later... flying to Khurain City...

Klavier was oiled up and sunbathing in a speedo on the top wing of the plane. Ben, Max, and Ron were tied to the underside of the plane with ropes.

Phoenix: ...oh. That's how.

Trucy: How is he not falling off the plane?

Edgeworth: Idiotic logic, I'm assuming.

"Thanks for the save, Herr John Phoenix," he said, hair whipping around in the wind, sipping a gimlet. "Though I can't help but wonder... why was Jean Armstrong a zombie? That was weird."

"It's possible we'll never know, Klavier," responded John Phoenix. "All we may ever know about him being a zombie is that he was a zombie and I had to execute him with my motorcycle."

"Whoever raised him from the dead must be an expert in black magic," said Merlin. "I'm pretty nifty when it comes to magic, but not even I could do that!"

Apollo: How much are you willing to bet that we don't get an explanation for the zombie?

Phoenix: *starts to say something*

Apollo: Not you, Mr. Wright.

Just then Edgeworth pointed out Khurain City, the capital of Khurain. "Oh look, it's Khurain City, the capital of Khurain. We've arrived."

The city was a large city that looked like Los Angeles except it was different because the buildings were a different color and the roads were made out of dirt because Khurain is different because it's a foreign country. In the rear of the city overlooking it and poking into the clouds was the holy Khurain Mountain, one of the most famous Khurainese landmarks in all of Khurain because it's famous and holy in Khurain. In the center of the city was a huge palace that looked like a City Hall except it was bigger and looked like a palace.

Apollo: ...that's...not what Khur'ain is.

Phoenix: Also, the author isn't using the apostrophe in "Khur'ain."

Edgeworth: Maybe they have a grudge against Khur'ain.

Trucy: The author has a grudge against a lot, apparently.

John Phoenix grew determined as he observed the city. Because he had reason to be determined. Because he knew that to fulfill his mission he must be determined, because only by being determined could he determine the location of the magic pen, which he was determined to find so he could clear his uncle's name.

John Phoenix was determined.

To be continued...

Phoenix: Insert Undertale joke here.

Trucy: Come on, Daddy! You can do better than that!

Phoenix: Not after this chapter, I can't.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: Ugh. *collapses in his seat*

Apollo: Only five chapters left. We can do it. I think.

Trucy: Let's hope this goes by quickly.

Edgeworth: Knowing this story, that's very unlikely.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 17

Phoenix: I feel like my head's gonna explode with all this nonsense.

Apollo: You and me both, Mr. Wright.

Edgeworth: I shudder to think of what's to come.

Trucy: It can't be any worse than what came before.

Phoenix: Don't hold your breath on that, Trucy.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 26: John Phoenix Saves the POW's

A/N Okay this is kinda long but that's because I basically combined two different chapters. Next chapter will be shorter.

Apollo: And I hate this chapter already.

Trucy: Because of the length?

Apollo: That's one reason. But remember that this story stated that fic-me is a POW. That probably means that this is the chapter where fic-me first makes an appearance.

Phoenix: It can't be worse than how I was portrayed.

Apollo: We'll see. Reluctantly.

John Phoenix, Matt, Shelly, Merlin, Edgeworth, and Klavier and his men were on a tour of the US base just outside Khurain City. This tour was being conducted by none other than General Piston Payne himself, the supreme leader of all military operations in Khurain.

Trucy: *immature snickering*

Everyone else: *facepalm*

Also in attendance were the Chief Air Force Lawyer and the Chief Navy Lawyer. Even though Khurain is a landlocked country, it has many rivers that the Navy could put boats in, so the Chief Navy Lawyer's presence in the country was more than justified.

Edgeworth: Why not bring in the actual generals? Why do we need lawyers here as opposed to people actually trained in combat?

Phoenix: I don't think the author understands what lawyers do for a living.

Trucy: At least they're not sending ME to fight here.

Apollo: Yeah. Instead, you're being captured and accused of murder.

"Glad to finally have you here, John Phoenix," said General Payne, leading them past a statue honoring POW's (it was modeled after Apollo).

Apollo: That's an honor I could do without, thank you very much.

"I read in the papers how you trounced my brother Winston in court. I was amazed, sir, how could such a young man do it? A military lawyer of your skill will be a great boon to the war effort. It's... an honor to have you here, sir."

Apollo: Really? Payne wasn't actually that hard. The bigger challenge in that trial was probably Mr. Gavin.

Trucy: And you couldn't have beaten him without my help!

Phoenix: ...right. That help was valuable.

John Phoenix ignored him. John Phoenix didn't even know who General Payne was. He suspected he might be the butler. In any case, the man's job or even his name didn't matter to John Phoenix. John Phoenix knew listening to this inane babbling was pointless. John Phoenix would rather concentrate on eating his ice cream cone.

Edgeworth: Is there anybody in the world that John actually respects? Because I'd like to see that.

Phoenix: Well the story said earlier that he looked up to fic-me, but I find that hard to believe with how he's treated fic-me.

Trucy: Why does he have an ice cream cone? Do they sell ice cream at military bases?

Apollo: I...doubt it.

Why did John Phoenix have an ice cream cone? Simple: John Phoenix had used his expert knowledge of human psychology to manipulate the previous owner of the ice cream cone into giving it to him. John Phoenix was a master of emotional manipulation; he had been since babyhood, when he had punched holes in the walls and broke dishes in order to emotionally manipulate his mother Mary into letting him play games on her laptop.

Edgeworth: I think the author needs to look up what "emotional manipulation" is, because it's not what they think it is.

Phoenix: Also, Mary is a terrible parent. Discipline, anyone? I mean I punished Trucy whenever she broke something.

Trucy: They were all accidents!

Phoenix: But it taught you to be careful.

Apollo: Knowing how she is now, I doubt that discipline did much.

Those "tears" he shed in the triplane in chapter 22? Those were fake, obviously. The idea of John Phoenix crying is ludicrous. He had merely been pretending to cry, in order to further hone his emotional manipulation skills. Now he could fake crying on demand like a true expert in humans. He was planning on using these fake tears to bend people to his will.

Phoenix: Wow. WOW! You did it. You took the ONE little bit of humanity that this character had and you retconned it! Y'know, that moment back there almost made me feel a bit sorry for John but now, nope! You destroyed it. Good job, author.

Apollo: Something tells me the author originally had that scene in there for real but decided to throw this in here spontaneously. Gotta destroy any semblance of likability for John.

"That tank over there belonged to Bobby Gant himself," said General Payne, pointing it out. John Phoenix looked over, vaguely interested. "After he died, Bobby's grandson Damon inherited it and used it during his detective career to kill bank robbers and the like. Now it's been decommissioned and the chaplain lives in it." The chaplain popped out of the hatch and waved as he watered some pansies growing out of the barrel.

Edgeworth: Gant would never use something like a tank. He always worked behind the scenes for his corruption.

Trucy: Also, what kind of chaplain lives in a tank? Must be pretty uncomfortable.

John Phoenix got bored again, because he couldn't use this tank to kill people, so his mind went back to the fake triplane weeping. Those thoughts about being "sad" and "lonely"? He had only pretended to think those thoughts. John Phoenix thought that it was a good idea to learn how to hide his true thoughts in order to protect his thoughts from the psychic manipulator who had broken into his brain and read his thoughts.

Yes, psychic manipulator.

You see, shortly before he had boarded the triplane, John Phoenix looked around his mind and saw that his thoughts had been disarranged! John Phoenix suspected that this was the result of a manipulator poking around in his mind. Hence why he thought those false thoughts: to hide his true thoughts from the psychic criminal, and make himself appear more vulnerable than he really was.

John Phoenix is smart.

Phoenix: Psychic manipulator? What? How did that come into being?

Apollo: Also, that wouldn't work because John would have to think about how to get rid of the manipulator's influence.

After the tour everybody went to General Piston Payne's quarters to discuss John Phoenix's first order of business in Khurain: liberating the POW's. General Payne pulled a map down and tapped it with a riding crop.

"The KRA POW camp is actually located just over the eastern border in Khurainistan, here," he said. "This mission is strictly volunteer only. I don't pretend to fully understand the geopolitical realities of the situation, as they're very complicated, but basically the United States has a treaty with the government of Khurainistan and sending an official rescue team over the border would violate the treaty. You'll have to give up your dog tags, and if you're captured we'll deny all involvement." Payne held out his upturned helmet.

Trucy: Not a very good general. Can't even learn the details of the situation before going to work there.

Edgeworth: I think this fic is trying to show that everyone is incompetent except for John.

Phoenix: Even then, I'd question whether or not John's really that competent.

"I volunteer," said Edgeworth. He stepped forward and dropped his dog tags and his prosecutor badges (civilian and military) into the helmet. John Phoenix did likewise. He kept his uncle's magic badge, however.

"What about that?" asked Piston, pointing to the bullet around John Phoenix's neck.

"I'm keeping that."

Edgeworth: And no questions were raised about that?

Apollo: Maybe it's more of that "emotional manipulation" they were talking about earlier.

Phoenix: Well I'm not feeling very manipulated. And neither should the general, for that matter.

Matt Engarde and Shelly de Killer dropped their tags in next. They had gone through an expedited boot camp training program back in the US because they were already so good at killing people. Now they were soldiers.

Klavier Gavin, Max Galactica, and Ben Woodman went next. Ron DeLite adjusted the helicopter blade in his neck and waved.

"Well, good luck and all that, sir," he said. "Um, I'd better go have the nurse look at this..."

Klavier ripped Ron's tags off. "Oh hell no, Ron, you little faker. I saw you running when you thought we were taking off without out you. 'Wahhhhhh, don't leeeeeeeave meeeeeeeeeeeee!'" he mocked. "You're coming with us."

Apollo: Real smart move, there. Bring along the guy who has a helicopter blade in his neck. That won't cause any problems at all.

Trucy: Shouldn't someone take a look at that?

And so John Phoenix and company left to pray in church before the mission.

Later... the POW camp... noon...

Apollo Justice was sharing his cell with Kyle Hyde and Dylan Fitchar. Apollo was extremely thin and diseased looking. He had a huge dirty beard that dragged behind him on the floor. All his teeth had fallen out and he was bald now. His spine had collapsed from lack of vitamins so now he was only 4'10", even shorter than Trucy.

Apollo: ...I can't say I'm surprised by this. Doesn't make it any less degrading.

Phoenix: It's not like you're abused and made fun of every other chapter.

Trucy: Wait a minute. Who're Kyle Hyde and Dylan Fitchar?

Speakers: They're characters from another game series called "Hotel Dusk."

Edgeworth: So this is a pointless cameo again?

Trucy: Looks like it.

Apollo: At least fic-me can share in his misery.

Kyle Hyde was very sad to see his friend in such a state. Kyle himself however still looked great and even more handsome than usual. His genes were just better adapted than Apollo's to the harsh conditions of the POW camp, he supposed.

Apollo: Thanks for that, fic. I really needed to be insulted more by being compared to a guy I know nothing about.

The prison cell had walls. It also had a ceiling and a floor.

Trucy: This just in! Buildings have walls, ceilings, and even floors!

Edgeworth: I suppose the next line will go into detail about how the air in there can be breathed in and out.

The floor was made of dirt. There was a window. Kyle was using the sunlight from this window and a magnifying glass to burn his facial hair off. Suddenly Apollo tugged weakly at his pant leg.

Phoenix: That's not really a proper way to shave. Probably not a safe way, either.

Kyle looked down. Apollo pointed at Dylan. Dylan had chocolate bars sticking out of the back of his pants.

Kyle stopped shaving and confronted Dylan.

"Where'd you get the candy, Dylan?"

Dylan made a creepy face. "I'm sorry, Mr. Hyde, I didn't realize that was any business of yours."

"I'm making it my business, Dylan." Kyle jabbed his finger at Dylan. "Because last time I checked this place didn't have a candy shop!"

Apollo: That's awfully confrontational of him. And accusatory.

Speakers: Actually, that's pretty in-character for Kyle.

Phoenix: So the author is capable of writing others in character but not us? That proves it. They hate us.

Speakers: That's not far off. The author has gone on record stating they hate Dual Destinies, Spirit of Justice, and Ace Attorney Investigations 2.

Apollo: Well at least they're honest about their feelings.

Trucy: Hey, how come you get to break the fourth wall and we don't?

Speakers: Because we're the Management.

Trucy: *sulks*


"You got those chocolate bars from the guards, didn't you?"

Dylan shrugged and smiled. "Y-yeah, so what? People give me stuff all the time. What can I say? People like me. I'm a nice guy."

"Don't give me that crap, Dylan!" said Kyle angrily. "You've been playing stoolie, haven't you!"

"Oh my god..." Dylan covered his mouth.

"You told the guards about Louie's escape plan!" Kyle pointed out the window. "THAT'S why he was taken away and why he's being crucified in the courtyard! THAT'S why the guards gave you chocolate!"

Edgeworth: Quite the impressive logic leap. Though it is far-fetched.

Apollo: Nothing that John hasn't done in this fic.

Dylan broke down and cried pathetically and begged for forgiveness. Kyle responded by beating him to within an inch of his life and taking his chocolate.

"You reap what you sow, Dylan," said Kyle as Dylan sobbed and crawled into the corner to die. Kyle and Apollo shared the chocolate. Kyle also went to the window and tried to throw a bar into Louie's mouth but he missed.

Apollo: Geez. That's kinda harsh.

Phoenix: To be fair, I would probably do that to anyone who crucified a friend.

Edgeworth: That's an oddly specific reaction.

"It's alright, Officer Hyde," Louie DeNonno said from the cross. "You tried, brother." Suddenly the air raid sirens went off! Louie craned his neck upward. "What the hell?"

In the air above the camp...

"Watch this, Mr. John Phoenix, sir," said Matt Engarde. He was lying on the top wing of the triplane. He aimed his rifle at a guard tower and headshotted a guard.

Edgeworth: And how is he staying on the plane without falling off?

Trucy: Magic?

Apollo: That's probably not the explanation.

Phoenix: It's probably their superb abilities or something.

"Not bad, Matthew old boy, but watch this," said Shelly from the middle wing. The sirens were blaring and the other guards in the tower were returning fire. Shelly took careful aim and fired a bullet that went through a guard's scope and into the man's eye.

Phoenix: Okay, I know that de Killer is a skilled assassin but I doubt he's THAT skilled.

Everyone applauded Shelly's marksmanship. Except John Phoenix. He was unimpressed. John Phoenix threw off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and shouldered his custom M16. He aimed at the final guard in that particular watchtower and fired a bullet with such perfect accuracy that it went into the barrel of the guard's gun and exploded it, killing the guard fastly. John Phoenix smirked big.

Apollo: Because of course John had to overshadow everyone else in the fic.

Edgeworth: You expected anything else?

"Excellent shot, John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "Now hold on, everyone, I'm bringing this bird down." The Edgeworth II flew over the walls of the camp and dived toward the formation of guards firing at the plane. Iron Maiden- Wasted Years was blaring over the triplane's stereo system. Edgeworth fired the machine guns and ripped the enemy soldiers apart. Then he pulled up out of the dive and flew low along the ground, chasing after the guards and dismembering them with the propellers.

Trucy: I didn't know triplanes had stereo systems.

Edgeworth: They don't.

Phoenix: Also, it must be pretty hard for fic-Edgeworth to maneuver the plane like that.

John Phoenix and the others leapt out the plane and started fighting on the ground while Edgeworth flew after some wounded guards and finished them off. The first thing John Phoenix did was check his inventory.

He had: his custom M16, extra ammo, a pair of God's magic handcuffs, the angel gun, his uncle's magic badge, and his custom legal documents. So far he had three magical artifacts.

Apollo: Why would he bring custom legal documents on a combat mission? Is he gonna paper cut the enemies to death?

Phoenix: Never underestimate a paper cut, Apollo.

While John Phoenix was checking his inventory, Merlin was shooting magic bolts out of his fingers and turning the guards into frogs. Ben and Max stomped them into a bloody mess.

A conga line of soldiers rushed at Klavier! Klavier tried to shoot them, but his rifle jammed! Things looked bad, but then he got a good idea and ripped the helicopter blade out of Ron's neck and threw it along the ground like a boomerang and it sliced all the guards' feet off!

Phoenix: Um...why didn't they take out the blade from his neck earlier?

Trucy: So this could happen, obviously!

Apollo: Riiiiight.

"Heh, that was quite the feat, if I do say so myself," chuckled Klavier.

John Phoenix looked up from checking his inventory and a guard on a motorcycle was speeding toward him! The guard swung a katana, but John Phoenix dived out of the way. Then John Phoenix turned to a nearby enemy soldier and punched a hole in the man's stomach and ripped his intestines out.

"Sorry, I need to borrow this."

John Phoenix quickly fashioned the man's severed intestinal tract into a lasso, and then threw it around the cyclist's neck and pulled him off the bike!

"Miles, over here!" cried John Phoenix. The triplane flew just overhead and John Phoenix tied the other end of the intestines to the bottom of the plane. The triplane began to rise and the motorcyclist dangled in the air by his neck. Edgeworth carried the man over the barbed wire-topped walls and the man screamed in agony as all his flesh was torn off. Soon he was nothing more than a mere skeleton swaying in the wind.

"You just got 'boned' by John Phoenix," quipped John Phoenix intelligently.

All: Boooooooo!

Meanwhile Kyle Hyde was peering out the window of the cell and watching the battle unfold. "I can't believe how long it's been since I've listened to Maiden," he said. Anyway, he knew it was time to put his escape plan into action, so he removed a brick from the wall and took two paper clips out from the hiding place. He had acquired these paper clips using the salesman skills he had learned working for Red Crown.

Apollo: What good are paper clips gonna do here?

Trucy: Maybe he's planning to lockpick the door.

Kyle quickly straightened out the paperclips and bent them into L shapes. Then he struck a match with his thumbnail and set Dylan on fire. All part of his plan. Finally he pulled the fire alarm to summon the guard. Footsteps came pounding toward the cell.

"Don't screw this up, Hyde," he told himself, and when the guard opened the cell, Kyle dual wielded the paperclips and jabbed them into the man's eyes like ice picks.

Trucy: ...or that.

Edgeworth: At least lockpicking would've been more realistic.

Phoenix: Realistic isn't part of this author's agenda. I think we've established that.

"An eye and an eye makes the whole man blind," he observed smartly, then he popped the eyes out and threw the screaming man to the ground and stole his keys.

"C'mon, Apollo!" Kyle and Apollo left Dylan to burn to death and unlocked all the other cells. The freed POW's whooped and ran outside to help fight the guards.

Trucy: Wow. They just leave their friend to die?

Phoenix: Well he did conspire against another prisoner.

Apollo: That's still harsh.

Apollo and Kyle helped Louie down from the cross. Then Louie ripped the cross out of the ground and started bashing soldiers to death with it. He was angry because only Jesus was supposed to die on a cross, not regular people, so now he had super strength.

Edgeworth: One, that wouldn't give anyone super strength. Two, Ancient Rome used crucifixion as an execution commonly.

Phoenix: Like a lack of research ever stopped anyone from writing bad fics like this.

"Hmph, looks like this fight will be over faster than I thought," thought John Phoenix verbally, but then a tank crashed through a barrack and came gunning for him! Everyone scattered, but John Phoenix stood his ground bravely and stared the tank down.

The tank aimed the canon and fired at him... but John Phoenix caught the shell! He tucked it under his arm and started sprinting towards the tank like a football player.

Edgeworth: I'd point out how unrealistic this is, but I don't think that's the most unrealistic thing that's happened in this story.

Apollo: It doesn't even make the top five.

The tank went in reverse and fired the machine guns, but John Phoenix just used his psychic powers to deflect the bullets so they killed enemy guards or his allies instead of him.

Phoenix: Why would he make it so the bullets would hit his allies?

Trucy: Because he doesn't care about them?

Edgeworth: That wouldn't surprise me.

The tank operator was sobbing, and the other soldiers in the tank were praying at an icon shelf in the corner. They knew what was going to happen.

John Phoenix suddenly leapt sixty feet into the air! The tank raised the canon and fired, but John Phoenix just did a barrel roll and dodged the shot, and then slam dunked the shell down the barrel of the tank and the tank exploded in a huge mushroom cloud!

John Phoenix landed gracefully on the ground and bowed as his friends and the POW's cheered. All the guards were dead or captured now. It was a great victory. Matt Engarde climbed the flagpole and ripped down the KRA flag and put up the American flag. Everyone saluted, and Shelly played the Star Spangled Banner on his trumpet.

All: *bored expression*

Edgeworth landed the plane and congratulated John Phoenix for basically single handedly winning the battle.

Apollo: Not to diminish the OBVIOUS contributions that John made to the battle but he didn't single handedly win. The others contributed.

Unfortunately, there had been casualties.

Max Galactica was dying. The chaplain was giving him his last rites.

"It hurts bad, sarge," Max moaned. There was a bullet in his chest.

"It's okay, soldier," responded Klavier. "You're going home now."

"I wish I coulda visited the farm... one last time... and petted the pigs... and eat some of momma's cornbread..." He coughed blood.

"You will, Max," sobbed Klavier. "I promise. We're gonna put you in a box and drape it with the flag, and then we're gonna send it to the farm and your mom can put as much cornbread and pigs in the casket as she wants. Then you'll be buried in Arlington like a hero."

Max smiled. "It was nice serving with you... sir..."

Klavier weeped openly. He starting pounding his fists into Max's chest. "Die already! Die, damn you!" he screamed. "Stop tormenting my soul with this heartache! Oh god!" The pounding pushed the bullet into Max's heart and he died. It was for the best. It spared Max further suffering.

Phoenix: Well at least he was spared the fate of being in the rest of this fic.

John Phoenix thought Klavier's theatrics were a little embarrassing. Max Galactica was just a person, and not a very good one at that. Anyway, then Dylan Fitchar ran over and he was on fire!

"Ahhhh help me!" he screamed.

"Quick, someone douse that man with something!" ordered Edgeworth.

Louie ran over. "Don't worry, I got this."

"No, you fool, don't!" shouted Edgeworth. "That's gasoline!"

"Whoops," said Louie, and he splashed Dylan with gasoline and Dylan burst into even bigger flames. Everyone laughed as he ran around squealing like a pig and fanning the flames, because it was funny and he deserved it. Sadly, Merlin, being the spoilsport he is, used an ice spell to put out the flames.

Edgeworth: And the fic didn't give that same mercy to Dylan, it seems.

"Well," Edgeworth clapped his hands, "if you're all finished with your fun and games, it's about time we head back to Khurain."

"Not so fast," said a mysterious voice, unnaturally deep and obviously being passed through a voice changer. "John Phoenix still has one more opponent to face." A man in a white suit of power armor with a giant pair of mechanical wings descended from the sky and hovered over the camp. His face was hidden by a cool helmet with a black visor. He looked like a knight and an angel and a robot at the same time.

"Who are you?" demanded John Phoenix. "And how dare you challenge me?"

"I am the Dragon," the man responded. "The supreme leader of the KRA."

Trucy: Ooh. That looks kinda cool.

Apollo: I'd say it looks more stupid.

John Phoenix immediately raised his M16 and emptied a magazine into the man, but the suit made him impervious to bullets. So John Phoenix got a rocket launcher off a dead soldier and fired it at the Dragon, but the strange leader just caught the rocket and then threw it over his shoulder like a piece of trash.

"If that's all you can do, then I'm afraid you wasted your time coming to Khurain."

John Phoenix flew at him, cocking back his fist... but the man reached out and grabbed him the throat!

Phoenix: Wow. John's actually shown to be physically vulnerable. How long do you think that'll last?

"Gak!" noised John Phoenix. Everyone below gasped.

"Do you have any idea how easy it'd be for me to break your neck right now?" asked the Dragon, squeezing. "But still, I won't do it. It would be a shame to kill you in Khurainistan, and not my homeland of Khurain. Besides, unlike you, I don't derive joy from wantonly taking people's lives."

Apollo: And the fic is doing all it can to make us root for the villain.

Edgeworth: I believe that was the case from the first chapter.

John Phoenix flexed his neck muscles and the man's gauntlet immediately shattered and John Phoenix fell to the ground. Edgeworth and Matt helped him up as the others fired at the Dragon.

Trucy: Wow. That only lasted two paragraphs. Impressive.

Apollo: It wouldn't surprise me if this was the last time this happened.

"Hmm, maybe you're stronger than I thought," said the Dragon, ignoring the bullets. He threw out his hand. "John Phoenix! I know you're not as stone hearted as you pretend to be. You've been deeply affected by your mother's death, and you miss your family. So I implore you, return to America. Defend your uncle. Leave Khurain. I don't want to kill you if I don't have to." Then the KRA leader activated the rocket thrusters in his boots and flew off.

John Phoenix smirked, despite his sore neck. Because his brilliant plan of thinking fake thoughts about being "lonely" and "sad" in his head had paid off. And now he knew who had been sneaking around in his brain... the leader of the KRA!

To be continued...

Phoenix: And is this fic gonna explain how he got those powers?

Edgeworth: I hope not. Because the explanation would likely be idiotic.

[The lights turn on.]

Apollo: Geez, that was painful.

Trucy: Really? It seemed just slightly longer than a normal chapter.

Apollo: That's because you weren't in this chapter, Trucy.

Phoenix: I'd feel sorry for you, Apollo, but my portrayal is much worse than yours so I don't.

Edgeworth: It seems I'm the one who's portayed closest to competent. Though that's not saying much.

Phoenix: Lucky.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 18

Phoenix: Four chapters left. We can do this.

Edgeworth: And this chapter should be shorter after what the author said last time, right?

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 27: Godot's Adventures in Heaven

A/N: I lied, this chapter is actually the longest one yet. Sorry!

Edgeworth: ...Apology not accepted.

Trucy: Now we're switching again to Mr. Godot?

Apollo: At least he has a much bigger role to play in the story and this doesn't entirely come out of nowhere. That's more than I can say for Brushel's chapter.

While John Phoenix was liberating the POW camp, Godot resumed being not unconscious again.

Phoenix: You know, the author could just say he regained consciousness. It's not that hard.

"Ugh, where am I...?" he asked. He looked around and saw that he was in a prison. But there was something strange about this prison... it was made out of bricks!

Apollo: Um...didn't he discover this before he was knocked out the first time?

"What the hell! Heaven is only supposed to be made out of clouds, not bricks!" He thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, I already made that observation. Damn, my head hurts."

Edgeworth: At least the author has the decency to admit it when they write something pointless.

Trucy: Very considerate of them. If only more authors did that.

Godot tried to move, but he was chained to the wall by his wrists!

"I've gotta escape heaven prison!" he panted.

Just then two shadowy figures entered the room. They stepped into the light and revealed themselves to be Damon Gant and Damon Gant!

Edgeworth: And yet we've already seen this again. We don't need it spelled out to us a second time.

"Wake up from your little nap, Godot?" asked Damon Gant (the first one). He held up an object. "I used this object to make you unconscious."

"By the way," said Damon Gant (the other one), "I'm not actually Damon Gant." He took off his mask and he was actually Satan all along!

All: ...

Trucy: Uh...that was a pretty lame reveal.

Phoenix: No kidding. That came right the heck out of nowhere. We had nothing even suggesting that was actually the devil whatsoever.

"Satan?" gasped Godot. "How'd you get into heaven?"

"Easy. That man who was running up and down the mountains who looked like Damon Gant? The one you had John Phoenix handcuff? That was actually me!"

Edgeworth: Ah, they finally got around to addressing that. A mere FIFTEEN CHAPTERS LATER.

Apollo: Would it kill this author to actually...write...competently?

Godot was shocked. "No... no! Damn you, Satan, you sly old alley cat! How did you know to dress up as Gant and run up and down a mountain!"

Satan laughed as he zipped off the rest of his Damon Gant suit. "Easy again," said Satan. "I simply teamed-up with Manfred and Damon here. It was all their idea."

Phoenix: Good to clarify all the stuff you did behind the scenes.

Trucy: It's the first rule of fic writing: Tell, don't show.

Edgeworth: Have I mentioned that I hate this story? Because I hate this story.

Apollo: Good to reaffirm your stance every once in a while.

Suddenly Satan pulled out a gun and pointed it and Godot! "Now hand over the magic handcuffs, you little bitch. We searched you while you were out but we didn't find them. You ate them, didn't you!" He gestured wildly with the gun. "Puke them up immediately!"

"Don't have 'em," Godot grinned. "I gave the handcuffs to John Phoenix. Why do you want them anyway? You're already in heaven."

"Because, idiot," replied Satan, "the cuffs have a secondary function. Are you playing dumb? Or did God just not tell you? The handcuffs can also be used to teleport someone in heaven back to Earth."

Edgeworth: And yet another plot device added in out of nowhere. This chapter is certainly filled with them.

"Haven't you guys overthrown God and taken over heaven?" asked Godot. "That's sure as hell what it looked like to me before I got conked on the head. Why don't you just leave by the front gates?"

"Because, asshole," said Satan, "after I was teleported to heaven and opened the gates to let my underworldly minions in, I was unfortunately caught on the surveillance camera and God put the emergency forcefield up. Now no one can leave heaven by normal means, not even by spirit channeling, and it's screwing up our evil plans! The forcefield will only deactivate if God says the magic words. Right now my devils are trying to torture the words out of him."

"You bastard!" screamed Godot. "When I get my hands on you...!"

Phoenix: Hey look! Another plot device out of nowhere! That's, what, three? Four in this chapter? We're going for a new record!

Trucy: I'm just gonna keep a counter for that.

"I guess if you don't have the cuffs there's nothing to do but to shoot you with my devil gun," said Satan. "One thing you may not know about the devil gun is that anyone who is shot by it gets their soul trapped in the bullet that killed them. Forever."

"Wait a minute!" cried Godot, thinking hard, combining fragments of logic in his mind. "That description... that sounds like the angel gun Merlin made! But Merlin would never make a gun for someone like you, Satan!"

"Merlin didn't make this gun," replied Satan. "Someone else did. As for who that person is, well, you'll have plenty of time to think it over while your soul is trapped in a bullet for eternity! Ahahaha!"

Trucy: Does that count as one?

Apollo: Eh, no. It's basically the angel gun so it doesn't count.

Satan fired the gun, but Godot remained calm. He simply grinned and raised a finger to his visor. If you are a careful reader, you may have noticed a name on his visor: "Merlin". Before Godot had returned to heaven, Merlin had made him a new visor, and this one shoots lasers!

Apollo: Now THAT one counts.

Trucy: That's five!

Edgeworth: I can't WAIT to see how many we have by the end of the chapter.

He pressed a button on the side of the mask and a laser shot out and destroyed the bullet!

"What the," said Satan in shock, distracted by the bullet being destroyed. While Satan was distracted, Godot used his laser vision to melt the chains holding him to the wall, and then he did the same to the bars in the window!

"Hey, Sadie, stop being distracted!" cried Gant, pointing at Godot. "Godot is taking advantage of your distraction to escape!"

"What!" roared Satan, averting his gaze from the empty space in the air he had been staring at. "Stop escaping at once!"

Phoenix: If only criminals actually stopped escaping if you simply yelled, "Stop escaping at once!"

Edgeworth: Why exactly aren't they pursuing him?

But Godot ignored this command and hopped out the window! He fell thirty feet and landed in a soft pile of clouds. Then he held his robe really high above his thighs so he could run faster and sprinted down the cloud hill away from the prison. Devil bullets whistled past him but thankfully they only grazed his skin.

Godot wondered whether his skin would grow back, or if the souls of his skin cells would be trapped in bullets forever, but he decided escaping was more important than pondering this very interesting theological question, so he jumped down a spillway and was carried away by the river.

"Curses!" cursed Satan from the window. "He escaped! Quick, Gant, alert the devil guards!"

Trucy: That's a random thought to have during a chase scene.

Phoenix: Well it's not like he had anything else to think other than "I need to get out of here!"

Apollo: Oh wait. That's the ONLY thing he should've been thinking.

Godot jumped out of the river and then ran along the train tracks to downtown heaven. A garish neon sign caught his attention and to his shock and horror he saw that Satan had built a strip club in heaven! And worst of all, it was made of bricks!

Phoenix: Wait, what? A strip club?

Edgeworth: Perhaps we'll be "treated" to some of the adventures Godot has while gathering information at the club?

"Strip clubs are immoral and they exploit women," said Godot. He started shooting at the building with his laser vision. One of the beams hit a gas line and the club blew up and people and demons let out horrific death screams. A devil flew out of the building and landed at Godot's feet. His limbs had been blown off and the stumps were bleeding profusely.

"Kill me," the devil gurgled.


Godot nailed the devil to a tree with a railroad spike through the chest, and then Godot left him to die. But first, he cauterized the bleeding stumps with lasers so it would take longer for the devil to die and he would suffer more.

"Okay," said Godot, jogging off, "now that's that taken care of, where next?"

Edgeworth: ...or he just destroys it in yet another pointless scene.

Apollo: Is this fic TRYING to waste our time?

He decided to go hide out at Mia's house. She lived in a run-down cloud hovel. Why did she live in hovel, while Manfred and Gant got cloud mansions? Simple: because Manfred and Gant were very flawed individuals who did a lot of morally dubious things in their lives, so their arrival in heaven had been heralded with more joy and trumpet playing than Mia's, because it was obvious Mia was going to get in to begin with.

Therefore they got mansions.

Phoenix: That sounds completely backwards.

Trucy: I think the author enjoys making the criminals we know look good and the regular people we know look bad.

Godot went inside without knocking. "Hey, kitten, what's shaking?" he asked. He went to the fridge to get a beer.

Phoenix: Hey wait a minute! He should be getting a coffee! Godot would never drink anything like beer!

Edgeworth: Amazing. The one defining trait of Godot and the author couldn't even get that right.

"Oh, hello, Diego," said Mia. She and Maya were wearing rags and peeling potatoes at the kitchen table.

"It's Godot," he corrected. Then he spewed his beer out. "Ppppppwwwweeeetft! How come your sister is dead all of a sudden?"

"She got murdered by her cousin Pearl," explained Mia. "Pearl and Iris are Khurainese terrorists and they tried to rope her into spirit channeling some people important to their mission."

"I don't know who, though," said Maya. "They were very vague about it."

Phoenix: Mia doesn't seem very sad about the fact that her cousin killed her own sister.

Apollo: Neither does Miss Fey, for that matter.

Godot jumped onto the couch and sprawled out. "Yowza, so I guess I should have killed Pearl in addition to that Ellie Dee Vasquez or whatever her name was, huh?"

Phoenix: Wait what? When did Miss Vasquez die?

Edgeworth: Should THAT be added to the counter?

Trucy: Eh, why not? We're up to six!

"I know right? I still can't believe Pearly killed me," said Maya sadly. "Ungrateful little cunt."

All: WHOA!

Phoenix: Maya would never swear like that! Especially when talking about Pearls!

Apollo: Even though fic-Pearl killed her?

Phoenix: Yes, even though fic-Pearl killed her.

"Whoa, watch the swear words, little missy!" warned Godot. He was glad John Phoenix wasn't here. He flipped through the TV guide and then lifted the remote and tried to go the motorcycle channel but he couldn't!

"What the hell? I can't get the motorcycle channel? What gives, kitten?" He wanted to watch the motorcycle channel because they were showing reruns of the jump John Phoenix had made over the Grand Canyon shortly before going to Khurain. He only did it on a whim to test out his new motorcycle, but the jump ended up shattering all previous records and was even cooler than Robbie Knievel's jump!

Edgeworth: Yet another pointless addition to the story that only serves to further John's already overinflated ego.

Phoenix: Not the first time it's happened, won't be the last.

"Satan took over the broadcast station and converted it into a torture chamber," explained Mia. "That's where God and St. Peter are being held."

Godot yawned and went to get another beer. "And no one has thought to mount a rescue mission?" He slammed the fridge. "Kitten, you disappoint me. Then again, this is man's work."

Trucy: Wow. Sexist, much?

Apollo: And right after he called Miss Fey "Kitten."

He belched and went over to the window and peered out. Mia's nextdoor neighbor Gregory Edgeworth was mowing his lawn. Greg saw Godot and waved.

"Top of the morning to you neighbor!" he said.


Phoenix: To be fair, I could definitely see Mia living close to someone like that in heaven.

Edgeworth: Don't encourage the author, Wright.

Godot ignored him and closed the blinds. "Kitten, why is that cat so happy? Normally he's moping around like the saddest bastard in existence."

Phoenix: Um...Godot doesn't call everyone cats.

Apollo: Also, he's rude.

Trucy: I think we've established that.

"Well, you know his wife, Bethany Edgeworth?" asked Mia, laying down her potato peeler. "The one we all thought went to hell because no one could find in her heaven? Well, she showed up at Greg's house just a few hours after you left!"

"Hmm, suspicious," remarked Godot. He decided to investigate.

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Um...let's just add another point to the counter and move on.

Trucy: Seven!

He waited until Gregory went inside, then he sneaked over to the open window of Greg's house and looked in.

"It's been so long, Bethany," murmured Gregory Edgeworth.

"I have missed you, my dear husband," said Bethany Edgeworth. Then they started kissing.

"Blech," shuddered Godot, then he went around to the back of the and saw a gravestone!

The gravestone read: "RIP my son, God took him early, 2028-2028"

Apollo: But...Mr. Edgeworth's alive and well inside the fic. And how can Gregory Edgeworth have a son when he's dead?

Trucy: And why would heaven have a gravestone in it? That's kinda like reading a book during a book burning ceremony.

"Who could this be referring to?" wondered Godot. But what was also strange was that the grave was open!

Godot went over to investigate but then he tripped on a cloud and fell into the grave!

He landed in a black-and-white living room in a fancy house. He immediately figured out what happened. He had gone through a flashback portal. Every family in heaven had their own flashback portal they could use to watch things they had done on Earth. Godot kept his flashback portal in his closet and didn't use it much. Too many painful memories.

Phoenix: Add another one to the counter.

Trucy: Eight!

Gregory Edgeworth was sitting in his easy chair, wearing a wife beater and boxers, and stitching "Home Is Where the Hearth Is" in an embroidery hoop. As a logical defense attorney, he knew that homes have hearths, not hearts.

Phoenix: As a logical defense attorney, he should also know that it's a figure of speech.

Edgeworth: ...

Apollo: (Is Mr. Edgeworth okay?)

Godot waved a hand in front of Greg's face but he got no reaction.

"Hmm, looks like he can't hear or see me," remarked Godot. "Happenin'."

Suddenly Greg set his stitching down.

"Where is that woman!" he cried. "Probably out that cavorting with... him. Damn you, Bethany Edgeworth! How could I have married such a witch!"

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: (I've never seen Edgeworth glare that hard before. Not that I blame him.)

Miles Edgeworth walked into the room. He had a tail sticking out of his pants.

Edgeworth: .....................

Phoenix: *waves a hand in front of Edgeworth's face, no reaction from him*

Trucy: Um...nine?

"Father, I grew a tail in my sleep," said Miles. "My tail is prehensile. I can use it to turn doorknobs and lift my special fork."

Gregory exploded out of his chair and roared like Godzilla!

"Damn you, you little abomination!"

Greg cut off Miles's tail with a pair of scissors and nailed it above the fireplace. Then he picked up the crying Miles and held his face near the tail.

"Never, ever grow a tail again, or I shall cut off your head and mount it above the fireplace!"

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: (I...really don't know what to say here.)

Godot was stunned. But then he read the subtitles above Greg's head. They explained that Gregory derived no enjoyment from threatening his toddler son like this, but a line in the sand had to be drawn. If his son continued to grow tails, or do the other bizarre things he had been doing, Miles would be kidnapped by the government and experimented on, or at the very least kidnapped by carnies and forced to work in a freakshow.

Baby Miles grew so ashamed whenever he saw the tail above the fireplace that he never grew one again. Or at least that's what Godot got out of the subtitles.

Edgeworth: *seething*

Phoenix: Calm down, Edgeworth. It's okay.

Edgeworth: *still angry*

Apollo: Is no one gonna point out the subtitles?

Trucy: I think there are more important things to point out, Polly.

"Now get back to your room!"

Miles ran off crying and slammed his door.

"Hmm, that's weird," said Godot. "Wonder why the ol' Edgester grew a tail?"

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: (This must be destroying Edgeworth.)

Greg collapsed into his chair, but he got only a moment's rest before Bethany Edgeworth came home.

"Bethany, where were you?" asked Greg. He tapped his watch. "You were supposed to be home hours ago. You were with him again, weren't you!"

Bethany folded her arms. "Gregory, I told you in no uncertain terms when I married you that I wouldn't let you interfere with my work," she said cooly. "Stop being such a jealous baby."

"I'll show you a baby!" Gregory took a swing at his wife but she just picked him up, spun him around, and threw him onto the ceiling fan. Then she flicked a switch and it started spinning around at high speed.

"Bethany, stop this crazy thiiiiiiiiiiinnnnng!" screamed Greg, holding on to a blade.

"I'll let you down once you learn how to behave like a gentleman," she said, and she went into the kitchen to fix herself a highball.

Godot took all this in. "Damn, his mom has a nice rack. Too bad Edgeworth isn't a girl."

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: I...excuse me for one second. I need to get some fresh air. *turns to the speakers* Don't worry. I'll be right back.

Speakers: ...fine.

[Edgeworth proceeds to exit the Sporking Theater. A couple seconds later, the rest of the group hears a loud scream coming from outside. The scream seems to last for around thirty seconds before finally stopping. Afterwards, the door to the theater opens and Edgeworth returns to his seat, looking exactly as he did when he left.]

Phoenix: Feel better?

Edgeworth: Barely.

Suddenly unknown arms hooked themselves under Godot's armpits and lifted him out of the flashback!

Edgeworth: Took them long enough.

Godot landed on the ground. "Pfft, peh pah!" he said, spitting out clouds. "What the heck-" He looked up and gulped.

It was... Gant and Satan! And a small army of devils!

Apollo: And how did they track him down?

Trucy: Devil magic?

"Gotcha, Godot," grinned Satan. He quickly grabbed Godot's head and started using the visor's laser to make a hole in the clouds!

"Yes, it's cutting through the barrier!" exclaimed Satan. "Just as you suspected it would, Gant!"

Godot knew he couldn't let Satan destroy the barrier, so he pressed the self-destruct button and blew up his mask!

Trucy: Ten!

Phoenix: Shouldn't they have gotten some devils to restrain him so that wouldn't happen?

Apollo: That would imply these devils were competent. Or that anyone besides John is competent in this story.


The devils threw him into a paddy wagon.

"What's the matter, Satan?" asked Godot, eyes bleeding. "Aren't you gonna whip out that teeny weeny little gun of yours and shoot me?"

"I decided that I've already wasted enough bullets on you. Instead, I'm gonna cart you off to my torture chamber. I got a spot just next to God with your name on it. You can keep him company as I flay your skin off! Hahaha!"

Edgeworth: Why not shoot him? It would only take one extra bullet.

Phoenix: Torturing him at this point seems like an even bigger waste.

Godot was taken away. Gant dropped down and examined the hole.

"Hmm, the hole you made is pretty small, Sadie," said Gant, "and no one could possibly fit through it, but maybe if someone stood directly over it they could be channeled?"

"Worth a shot," shrugged Satan.

Gant and Satan did the KRA salute and then split up to get the targets.

Apollo: What targets?

Phoenix: The targets of the KRA?

Edgeworth: They never made it clear so who knows?

Meanwhile... back in Los Angeles...

Marvin Grossberg was sitting on a sidewalk bench putting the finishing touches on the legal documents he needed to represent John Phoenix's cousin in court. He occasionally threw a handful of bird seed on the ground and watched the pigeons. Grossberg always finished up his paperwork while feeding pigeons because he was an old man and old people like pigeons. Also, he just liked pigeons.

Phoenix: Weird. I thought he would be obsessing over the lemon-scented days of his youth or his...hemorrhoids.

Across the street, a door opened in the face of the clock tower. Lotta Hart stood in the door and raised her camera. Her camera was also a gun.

"Time to put this old fool outta commission," said Lotta. She aimed at Marvin through the viewfinder.

Apollo: Wait, now this woman hates Grossberg? And wants him to die?

Trucy: Twelve! One for the camera gun, one for the hatred of Grossberg.

Viola appeared over her shoulder. "Lotta, why are we aligning ourselves with the terrorists?" she asked. "Shouldn't you hate them for detonating a suitcase nuke and destroying the heartland, killing over 150,000,000 people?"

"Ya can't judge an entire terrorist organization by the actions of few extremists, Viola," responded Lotta. "Now shut yer trap 'fore I belt ya. Lawd!"

Edgeworth: I believe you can be able to hate an organization like that if they kill millions of people. Especially if that organization doesn't take appropriate action to handle the extremists.

Lotta took careful aim and fired a bullet that shattered Grossberg's left kneecap!

People screamed and ran away, pigeons flew off, and Marvin struggled to get up, but he was too fat to do so easily. Then Lotta shot his other kneecap.

"Oh god, this hurts worse than my hemorrhoids," said Grossberg. "Ouch!"

Phoenix: Oh, there's the hemorrhoids comment.

Apollo: Yaaaaay.

Lotta brayed evil laughter. "Okay, Viola honey, yer up!"

Viola Cadaverini threw a knife over Lotta's shoulder and it stabbed into Grossberg's forehead. There was a sheet of paper on the end of the handle, and Marvin could read the huge print clearly.


Apollo: He can't exactly tell his friends if he's dead from that knife you threw at his forehead. And how exactly could he read it, anyway? Shouldn't the knife kill him instantly?

Trucy: Why do they only want John to do it anyway?

Edgeworth: Yet another way of showing how much everyone here is incompetent except for him?

Phoenix: Makes the most sense to me.

Lotta was so busy laughing evilly that she didn't notice Viola's infant baby crawl under her legs and grab onto one of the hands of the clocktower.

Phoenix: And this kid came from where, exactly? And why did Viola bring the kid along with them on an assassination?

Trucy: Thirteen!

"Hahahaha... huh?" Lotta said. "Viola, why aren't ya watching your damn baby!"

Viola was busy in the corner setting a dead mouse on fire. "Hee hee hee... fire... burns things..."

Edgeworth: And Viola isn't actually watching her infant child?

"Viola, ya listenin' to me?" asked Lotta, trying to grab the baby, but the hand had carried it out of reach.

"What's wrong, I'm busy." She clapped as the mouse corpse burned to ashes.

"Viola, yer damn baby is hangin' off the clocktower!"

Viola screamed. "My baby! NOOOOOOoooooo!" She shoved Lotta out of the way and held out her arms. "Furio Cadaverini! Come to mommy!"

Phoenix: Wait, she named her kid after the guy who ruined her life?

But the baby was too far away! It was giggling, but its weak baby fingers couldn't hold on much longer! No! It was slipping!

"Someone save my baby!" screamed Viola.

Down in the streets below, Carlos Flavioli was wheeling his chair over to Grossberg to help him. Then he heard this cry and looked up.

Trucy: Wait, who's that guy?

Apollo: Wasn't he the guy in the wheelchair that saw the crew off before they were going to Khura'in?

Phoenix: Oh yeah. Guess the author decided to lazily bring in yet another one off character in the hopes that it looks clever.

The baby fell! The mother screamed!

Carlos Flavioli leapt out of his chair and dashed over to the falling baby! He dived forward and caught the baby at the last moment!

Viola and Lotta ran down the clocktower and he gave the mother her baby back.

"Oh thank you! Never do that to mommy again, young man!" said Viola kissing her baby on the head.

"Uh, we're just innocent bystanders," said Lotta. She grabbed Viola and pulled her away. "C'mon!" They ran off.

Carlos Flavioli watched them go, his eyes inscrutable behind his cool sunglasses. Now his secret was exposed to the world. His feet and spine...


Weren't actually broken!

Trucy: Fourteen!

Phoenix: Shouldn't he be the least bit suspicious of this whole thing?

Edgeworth: Lack of competency, remember?


Gumshoe pulled up to the crime scene. He and his son got out of the car and walked over to Grossberg's corpse.

"Okay, Bobert, I'm gonna teach you how detective work works," said Gumshoe. He ripped the knife out of the victim's head and handed it to Bobert. "That's called 'evidence,' son. Evidence has fingerprints on it."

Phoenix: Wait, Gumshoe has a son in this fic? And his name is "Bobert?"

Apollo: Um...that's not a name I would give to someone like his kid.

Edgeworth: Also, Gumshoe may not be the brightest, but he knows proper investigation protocol. You don't just rip a knife out of someone's head.

"But father Gumshoe, I see no fingerprints?"

Gumshoe chuckled. "That's 'cause ya gotta use the white stuff." He took a bottle of fingerprint powder out of his coat and dumped the entire contents on the knife. "Now ya gotta blow it off. Oh, I know it looks good but don't eat it, I tried, it tastes horrible."

Bobert Gumshoe blew the powder off.

"Oh! Father! I found fingerprints!"

Gumshoe took the knife. "Hmm, let's see, oh they're yours and mine, guess we covered up the killer's prints. This piece of evidence is worthless now." He threw it over his shoulder into some bushes. "Okay, no harm no foul, let's look for more evidence!"

All: *facepalm*

Suddenly Gumshoe in real life paused the video.

"And that's what you DON'T do at a crime scene," he explained. You see, this was actually a training seminar. "Sure was nice of Grossberg to pretend to be dead and let us use him in our a training video before we took him to the hospital. Anyway, any questions?"

All: ...what?

Phoenix: So that whole part was pointless?

Trucy: You know what? You're getting ten added to the counter just for that! Twenty-four!

Apollo: And how does someone survive a knife to the head?

A detective in the back raised his pencil. "Yeah, I got one, why the hell is your son's name 'Bobert'? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard."

"OH, NO YOU DIDN'T, PAL!" roared Gumshoe. "He's named after my grandfather Robert Gumshoe! When I was a little kid I called him 'Bobert' and that became his nickname. He died 10 years ago of Alzheimer's and towards the end he started calling ME Bobert. So you see, I named my kid Bobert to HONOR my grandfather. So naming him Bobert isn't stupid, it's SMART and POIGNANT!"

So now you know why Gumshoe's son is named Bobert and why that's smart and poignant.

Edgeworth: Yet another pointless moment in this story. We didn't even see this character beforehand and he contributed nothing to the overall plot.

Phoenix: This chapter should just be called "Random Plot Devices and Pointless Moments."

Later... in Khurain...

The Dragon, after meeting John Phoenix, went back to the royal palace in Khurain City. He went through the secret entrance so no one would see him in his armor. Because, you see, the Dragon was actually the shadowy person from the end of chapter 24, but the royal family didn't know he was the leader of the KRA. They knew him only as Percy Percival, the king and queen's adopted son.

Apollo: Percy Percival? Is...that a reference to something?

Speakers: Not that we know of.

Phoenix: So...we have a random character with no established backstory other than being the king and queen's adopted son, we have no idea what his motivations are for doing this, we don't know how he became leader of the KRA, we don't know how he convinced Von Karma to help him, we don't know anything about this guy! And he's only being introduced to us now!

Edgeworth: Like this is the first character to be introduced to us this way.

Phoenix: But it is the worst, so far.

Anyway, Percy Percival went to his fireplace room and met with two shadowy figures.

(These are two brand new shadowy figures, by the way.)

Apollo: How many shadowy figures are in this story, anyway?

Trucy: Counting these two, I'm pretty sure this makes it six.

Phoenix: Okay, one would be okay but this is just pushing it.

"I just received word that the channeling was a success," said Percy. "The plan moves forward. Go get the Khurainese Power Crystal at once! Oh, and hide this in the temple." Percy handed one of the shadows St. Peter's magic pen. "Just looking at this makes me feel guilty for stealing it. Hide it away deep, deep in the temple where John Phoenix will never find it. Understand?"

"Nyeh heh heh, of course, master!"

"Kheh heh heh, it will be done!"

Apollo: Khura'inese Power Crystal? What the heck is that?

Trucy: Twenty-five!

Phoenix: And why is he feeling guilty? Is it part of his unspecified motivations or backstory?

Edgeworth: We may never know.

The two shadowy figures climbed up the chimney.

To be continued...

Trucy: Nice exit.

[The lights turn on.]

Edgeworth: Worst chapter so far.

Phoenix: You're biased against this chapter, though.

Edgeworth: So?

Phoenix: ...good point.

To be continued...
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Surprised to see no wonderdude23 sporkings on here. Their fanfics are... really something, that's for sure.
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The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 19

Trucy: We can't be much farther from the end now, can we?

Apollo: It certainly doesn't feel like it.

Edgeworth: But how could we possibly get worse after the last chapter?

Phoenix: I think we know that it'll happen.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 28: John Phoenix Incestigations

Phoenix: ...please tell me that's a typo.

Edgeworth: Knowing this author, it could be either intentional OR a typo.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my grandmother. She is a big fan of John Phoenix and I read her every chapter over skype. Grandma wants Capcom to add John Phoenix to AA7 before she dies. She may die any day now of Oldness, so please, go to my profile and vote on my poll (it's actually a petition) and force Crapcom to add John Phoenix to AA7 (or else).

Apollo: Okay...even if we assume this is true because this is a troll fic, why would anyone's wish be to add someone else's terrible OC to a video game?

Trucy: Also, what's with the "or else?" Is the author threatening the readers or something?

Edgeworth: If they are, then that's about as low as they could possibly sink.

A/N 2: You know how I said there were only going to be 30 chapters? Well I decided to cheat by combining multiple chapters into one! Now THIS is the longest chapter, because it's actually six in one!


Chapter 28 Part I

Professor Layton was in a curio shop in Khurain City.

Phoenix: Oh great. Now he feels the need to bring in Professor Layton.

Apollo: Hasn't this author ruined enough characters for one fic?

With him were his assistants Luke Triton and Emmy. Emmy's last name is unknown. Let's just say that some of her clothes are yellow and that she has brown hair and leave it at that.

Trucy: I've heard of her. Her last name is Altava, isn't it?

Edgeworth: I'm guessing the author doesn't care much for her character. Just how they don't care for any event that happened after Wright got his badge back.

Apollo: If that was the case, then why even have Khura'in in it at all? That happened after he got his badge back.

"Look, Professor, it's a curio!" exclaimed the excitable young boy with the blue hat and blue shirt and brown pants and shoes on his feet (Luke Triton).

Edgeworth: And now we have an unnecessary explanation of who Luke is even though we could clearly pick up on that. And he should be expecting to see a curio if they're in a curio shop.

"Ohohoho, that is a curious curio, my boy," smiled Layton.

Professor Layton had come to Khurain in search of an ancient Khurainese artifact which was said to have magical properties. He wanted to smuggle this priceless treasure out of its native land so he could display in his private museum and charge people a small fee to see it. The trio had gotten trapped in the country following the outbreak of the War.

Phoenix: Objection! I know Professor Layton and I know he would never do something like that!

Apollo: In other words, yet another character added to the list of people whose characterization is destroyed in this story.

Trucy: Let's see. That's the four of us, Mr. Godot, Pearl, both Miss Feys, Mr. von Karma, Mr. Gant, Miss von Karma, The Judge, Prosecutor Gavin, Mr. DeLite, Max Galactica, Mr. Woodman, Miss Iris, Mr. Butz, Detective Gumshoe, Mr. Hyde, Mr. Fitchar, and now Professor Layton.

Apollo: Can't wait to see that list grow even more.

Suddenly there was a terrorist attack in the marketplace outside! A suicide bomber detonated his vest in the middle of the crowd and dozens of body parts bounced against the windows of the store like giant moths!

"Oh my word," said the Professor, mildy unerved.

Apollo: That's a pretty mild reaction to seeing a terrorist attack before your very eyes.

Phoenix: Even if the Professor was calm, he wasn't invulnerable to surprises!

Then a burst of gunfire shattered the windows and a hail of bullets made their way toward Luke!

Emmy stepped forward. "Luke, use me as a human shield," she said.

Luke hesitated to use Emmy as a human shield. Emmy smiled.

"It's okay, Luke. I'm an adult and you're just a child. It's only proper that you should use me as human shield."

Luke's gaze shifted to the professor. He, too, smiled.

"Go on, my boy," said Layton encouragingly. "She's quite right. Use Emmy as a human shield. Go on, lad!"

Luke used Emmy as a human shield and the bullets hit her instead of him.

"I'm glad I could be a human shield and save your life, Luke." She closed her eyes and died.

Edgeworth: Okay, the author definitely hates Miss Altava.

Phoenix: Once again, slowest bullets in the world.

Apollo: And why is Professor Layton encouraging this?!

Trucy: Bad characterization, Polly! We went over this already.

"You're welcome, Emmy."

Luke walked over to the professor.

"Nice job using Emmy as a human shield, my boy," said Professor Layton.

"You're welcome, Professor."

Apollo: And Luke is pretty unnerved by the fact that he just saw a woman DIE in front of him! Especially one that saved his life!

Trucy: Are we sure that everyone in this fic isn't a robot or something?

Professor Layton watched Emmy's blood pool up against the triangular base of a display shelf. Emmy's bloodspill reminded him of a puzzle.

"Hmm, this reminds me of a puzzle."

Luke solved a puzzle about triangles and earned 15 picarats (imaginary unit Layton invented).

Apollo: Is this REALLY the time to be thinking about puzzles?

Phoenix: To be fair, the Professor was finding puzzles pretty often when I worked with him. Still, this is just sad.

Edgeworth: This entire story is just sad.

"Nice job solving the puzzle, Luke."

"You're welcome, Professor."

People outside were still screaming, so Layton carefully looked out the broken window. A terrorist on a horse, the motorcycle of the Khurainese world, pointed an Uzi right in his face!

"Die, bastard!" the terrorist screamed. But just then John Phoenix arrived on his motorcycle! He used a collapsed market stall as a ramp and jumped his motorcycle over the horse! He did a spin midair and the rear wheel of the bike smacked the terrorist in the head and knocked his skull out of his mouth. The man's head deflated from lack of skull and he died and slid off the horse.

Edgeworth: Once again, the day is implausibly saved by our "heroic" main character.

Phoenix: The Professor knows how to handle himself in combat! He could probably defend himself without John!

Apollo: But then we wouldn't get this completely unnecessary scene where John feels he needs to show off.

Phoenix: Well, gee, Apollo. When you put it like that...

The horse watched in mounting horror, panting and sweating, as John Phoenix landed and got off his bike. John Phoenix reached into his pants and pulled something out. It was a new custom gun, a fully automatic Desert Eagle with a custom 200 round magazine. John Phoenix unloaded the entire magazine into the terrorist horse, his face expressionless, the muzzle flashes reflected in his awesome aviators.

Trucy: Who keeps making these guns for him anyway?

Phoenix: And it seems a little overkill, both figuratively and literally, to be unloading two hundred rounds into a horse.

Apollo: And now we can add animal abuse to his list of crimes!

Edgeworth: If only it was easy to prosecute him.

When he was done, two foals crawled out of the bloody horse carcass; you see, the terrorist horse had been pregnant all along. The baby horses took one look at John Phoenix and ran away at full gallop. John Phoenix let them go. They were innocent.

Edgeworth: Except newborn foals can't stand up and walk, let alone gallop.

Apollo: I'm surprised he didn't shoot them, too.

John Phoenix turned to the stunned Layton. "You're welcome."

Chapter 28 Part II

Trucy: Well, that's one part down.

Apollo: Was there even a point to the terrorist scene?

Phoenix: Doubt it.

Trucy: You know what? I'm bringing in a counter for pointless scenes!

Edgeworth: Well, so far, we have Miss Altava's entire role, the puzzle, and the terrorist scene. So...that's three.

John Phoenix, Edgeworth, Layton, and Luke were having lunch in a streetside cafe. On the table was a newspaper with a photo showing the Edgeworth II carrying the POWs back to Khurain. They were hanging from the bottom of the plane by each other's feet in a long human chain. John Phoenix had received several Medals of Honor for his bravery. He just threw them into his suitcase with the rest of them.

Edgeworth: One, physically impossible. Two, you can only receive one Medal of Honor at a time.

Trucy: And the fact that he has a suitcase full of them is just taunting everyone.

John Phoenix and Professor Layton chatted learnedly about many topics, and about Layton's journey to Khurain. Professor Layton being in this story was actually foreshadowed in Chapter 22. In that chapter's newspaper, below the headline about John Phoenix's uncle being a terrorist, there had also been a small item about Layton's search for the magical artifact.

Phoenix: Um...we didn't see the newspaper so we couldn't have been foreshadowed about this.

Edgeworth: Also, Chapter 22 didn't even have a newspaper.

The topic of discussion turned quite naturally to John Phoenix's world-famous psychic powers, in which the professor was very interested. John Phoenix explained his belief in the psychic manipulator, and how he believed the manipulator had been stalking him for some time.

You see, in Chapter 6, Gumshoe pointed out that the bottle on the table was knocked over. This keen observation had been troubling John Phoenix for the last 22 chapters. Because he distinctly remembered his uncle putting the bottle back on the table rightside up. He had immediately suspected a psychic manipulator at the time, but had had no concrete proof until recently.

Apollo: And I'm willing to bet that's another instance where the author decided to put something in at the last minute.

Trucy: Not the first time.

Layton nodded in understanding. He was something of an expert in psychic powers. In the wake of the events of Ghost Trick (which is canon in the official Ace Attorney continuity, as is The Adventures of John Phoenix), Professor Layton had published a book about how to protect yourself from psychics. He now slid a copy across the table to John Phoenix.

How to Protect Your Mind and Body From Psychic People, by Professor "Hershel" Layton.

Edgeworth: Oh look. We're dragging yet another series into this mess of a story.

Phoenix: This author is full of themselves if they think ANYONE seriously believes this story actually happened.

Apollo: Also, you'd think John would find a way to better control his mind on his own. I mean he's done everything else in this story on his own. Why not that?

"Thank you, Hershel," said John Phoenix, shaking his head, "but I have already found way to stop the intruder. I simply think in completely abstract terms which would be impossible for any outsider to understand, a sort of mind cipher. It is an advanced way of thinking I invented all by myself."

Apollo: Aaaaand he already did.

Trucy: Maybe you should stop thinking of stupid things to add to this story because then that stupid stuff would happen. Also, the book scene is pointless because of this so it's getting added to the counter. Four!

"How brilliant," murmured the professor. "Bravo...!"

Miles took the book. "I believe I could make use of this book, however. I have a few dozen military trials to prosecute today, so I'll flip through it then. I believe John Phoenix also has a trial today? His first in our military courts?"

Edgeworth: What good would a book like that do in a military trial? Also, nobody would take part in a few dozen trials in one day.

"Hmm, yes, it's starting soon," said John Phoenix, checking his watch. "After it's over, Hershel, I shall join you in your investigations. Except it will actually be John Phoenix's investigation, and it shall be about finding what I want to find, not what you want. My uncle's trial is tomorrow, so I need to find the magic pen soon."

Phoenix: Because everything has to be about John in this story! Not about ANYONE ELSE! Not fic-me, who's been accused of being a terrorist! Not fic-Trucy, who's been accused of murder THREE TIMES already! Not fic-Apollo, who's a POW who was just rescued! Nope! It has to be all about this guy. All about this terrible excuse of a character known as John Phoenix.

Apollo: Is there gonna be a point to the trial at all?

Edgeworth: My guess is, probably not.

Trucy: I'm getting the counter ready!

"I shall be waiting most eagerly... John..." said Professor Layton.

Edgeworth: Hm. I believe that's the first time anyone's ever addressed him as "John."

John Phoenix flew into the sky and to the army base. He thought back to the events that had led to this trial...

Chapter 28 Part III

Last night, after John Phoenix had returned from the rescue mission...

Phoenix: Wait, now we're doing a flashback?

Apollo: Apparently. I wonder how this came about.

It was midnight. John Phoenix wheeled his motorcycle into the hospital wing of the base. It was very dark, the only light coming through the windows from the lamp posts outside.

Trucy: Um, how can you ride a motorcycle through a hospital? One, it's illegal, and two, it can't fit everywhere inside.

Apollo: And why is the hospital completely dark? You could say there was a blackout, except the lamp posts should be out, too!

Phoenix: Atmosphere, I guess.

Most of the patients were asleep. Ron DeLite was there, in a coma. Parts of Max Galactica's dead neck had been transplanted into Ron's in an effort to save him, but Max's neck cells were cancerous and they spread to Ron's brain and gave him a brain coma. Now it didn't look like he'd make it. John Phoenix did a quick prayer over this man, and the sleeping Apollo Justice and Louie DeNonno as well, and then continued on his way to his target.

Apollo: Nice of the author to clarify that I'm still in this fic.

Edgeworth: Was there a point to giving Mr. DeLite cancer like that?

Trucy: I don't think so. Five!

Dylan Fitchar was awake, the pain from his burns preventing him from sleeping. John Phoenix aimed the headlight at him and flashed it on and off, three times, giving Dylan cancer in three different places.

Phoenix: Okay, I know this guy isn't a saint or anything like that but is this really necessary?

Edgeworth: Also, shouldn't the hospital give him morphine or pain medication? Or even treat his burns?

"W-what did you do that f-for?" asked Dylan.

"My bike is magic. I gave you cancer."

Dylan deserved this.

"I-I-I'll tell on you!" whimpered Dylan, the cancer already spreading through his bloodstream.

Apollo: Well the way they put it, I wouldn't blame him for telling authorities what happened!

John Phoenix grew thoughtful. "You would, wouldn't you, you little pig?"

John Phoenix decided to silence this man. He pulled out a knife and cut out Dylan's tongue. That way he couldn't tell on him. Next, he cut off all of Dylan's fingers so he couldn't accuse him in writing or by pointing at him.

Dylan sobbed like a little pathetic baby. John Phoenix just laughed and spit on him. Then he decided to hide the body parts in the one place no one would ever find them: in his pockets. Attempting to look into John Phoenix's pockets would be a suicide mission few would dare attempt.

Trucy: Geez! This is just unnecessary and cruel! We're adding five to the counter for that! Ten!

"I'll be back to torture you later," promised John Phoenix, and then he left.

Before going to bed, John Phoenix decided to head to the R&D wing of the base, where Merlin and Ema Skye were working on his new power suit. He had given them a drawing of what he wanted it to look like, and also gave them instructions to make it just like the Dragon's armor, except better and totally original.

You might be wondering, "Why is Ema Skye building suits of robotic armor?" The answer is that she's working on the parts of the armor that involve forensic science, like the fingerprints. The law mandated that all robots and suits of power armor have their own unique fingerprints. That way they could be traced if they were used in a crime.

Edgeworth: Actually, I'm pretty sure the author just wanted an excuse to put someone like Ema in the story.

Apollo: I'm just glad she's not here to see this.

Phoenix: But we have to take her place. Is that better?

Anyway, Merlin had turned in for the night, so only Ema was left working on John Phoenix's armor. She was putting the finishing touches on the footprints (those were also required) when the notorious Benjamin Woodman slunk out of the shadows.

"Hello, will you be my girlfriend," asked Ben evilly.

"No," said Ema.

"I will kill you now," said Ben and he took out a knife.

Phoenix: Um...where did this come from? This story gave no indication whatsoever that Ben was like this at all.

Edgeworth: Once again, not the first time this happened, probably not the last.

Ben tried to kill Ema but she chewed open a bottle of acid she had stored her cheek for just such an occasion and spat it into his eyes! Ben screamed in agony as his eyeballs melted down his face like runny eggs!

"Now I'll kill you even harder," snarled Ben, and he took out a second knife. But just then John Phoenix flew over and started kicking his ass!

"You're going to military court, scumbag!"

Apollo: I'm pretty sure the reaction would be much more severe when your eyeballs melt.

Trucy: That's the second time in this chapter that someone's had an underreaction to an otherwise traumatizing event.

Chapter 28 Part IV

Back in the present...

John Phoenix arrived at the military courtroom for the trial of Benjamin Woodman.

"Military court is now in session," said the military judge. He looked exactly like the non-military judge except he had glasses and hair and he was black.

Phoenix: In other words, he looked nothing like the normal judge.

"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor," said Franziska von Karma. She had finally achieved her dream of becoming an army lawyer.

"I have been ready since the second I left the womb," said John Phoenix. Yes, he was defending Ben Woodman. There was no one else to do it because all the other military defense attorneys were on leave, or had been killed in the terrorist attack earlier.

Edgeworth: How contrived.

Ben Woodman smiled both evilly and blindly. He thought that with John Phoenix, the undefeated defense attorney, on his side that he was in the clear.

Trucy: How do you smile blindly?

Apollo: And why is he not getting any medical attention? Criminal or not, they're required to give him treatment.

Naive fool. John Phoenix was going to kill him after the trial anyway. That was his M.O. with truly guilty clients: defend them successfully to maintain his perfect win record, and then execute them afterwards.

But for once John Phoenix wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. Let Ben Woodman get a Not Guilty verdict? Let him die with the official records stating he's innocent?

Innocent? INNOCENT? Ben Woodman, the creepy pedo who played with puppets? No! It would be an insult to Ema and Ben's other victims. John Phoenix decided making sure Ben Woodman was guilty in the eyes of the law and the public was more important than some meaningless record. After all, everybody would still know that he's the best and just lost on purpose.

This is called character growth.

Edgeworth: That's hardly much character growth, if at all.

Phoenix: Better than nothing.

Apollo: Except I'm sure this author will find a way to retcon it all the same.

John Phoenix had an additional reason for wanting Ben dead/guilty: he was 1 cm taller than him. When they had their photo taken after saving the POWs, Ben had drawn himself up to his full height and stood next to John Phoenix to made him look bad.

For this he had to die.

Trucy: This just in: John Phoenix is petty!

Apollo: That's a big understatement, Trucy.

"Okay, Ms. von Karma, you may call your first-"

"OBJECTION!" yelled John Phoenix. "That won't be necessary. My client is guilty. I want him executed. Give your verdict NOW!" He slammed his desk with his fist and it splintered in half.

"Oh, well if that's what you want, Mr. Phoenix, who am I to go against you!" The judge slammed his gavel. "I find Ben Woodman GUILTY! The sentence is immediate death! But first, let me sign these legal documents to make everything official."

Phoenix: At least he's honest.

A little while later, Ben Woodman moaned and wept as he was forced down onto the guillotine.

Edgeworth: This is not the 18th Century. Guillotines are not used for executions.

Apollo: Can't say I'm shocked this is being used.

John Phoenix, Franziska, Ema, and everybody else involved with the trial were there to watch. The judge was about to drop the blade, but John Phoenix took the rope out of his hands.

"No. I want to."

Phoenix: And, of course, nobody's gonna object to this in any way.

Trucy: What else is new?

Before John Phoenix pulled the rope, he took Trilo Quist away from Ben.

"Trilo is mine now. He likes me better."

Apollo: You know, it's sad when the main character can count a puppet as one of his best friends.

Phoenix: Then why don't I feel bad for him in the slightest?

He pulled the rope and the blade went whack! and Ben's severed head fell onto a spring and then boinged across the room into a trash can. This is an example of sarcastic justice.

Edgeworth: It's also an example of implausibility and unnecessary dialogue.

Trucy: Eleven!

"Thank you for bringing Woodman to justice, John Phoenix," said Emmy Skye. "And for kicking his ass. How can I ever repay you?"

John Phoenix handed her Trilo Quist. "Incorporate Trilo Quist into my suit of power armor."

"But how? He is merely a puppet."

"Just do it. Trilo Quist is my friend."

Trucy: Some friend he is, incorporating him into a suit of armor!

Edgeworth: Not like it's possible to incorporate a wooden puppet into a metal suit of armor.

John Phoenix went to leave, but Franziska stopped him.

"Hmph, how does it feel to finally lose, John Phoenix?" she boasted. "You were so afraid of me you gave up immediately!"

John Phoenix just smirked and handed her the official records for the trial. "Read this."

She read the documents and to her shock they clearly said that JOHN PHOENIX had won, even though Ben Woodman had been found GUILTY!

"B-b-huh wh-h-what!" sputtered Franziska, squeezing the papers. "F-f-f-forged? Forgery? Is that what this foolish nonsense is?"

"You insult me. It is no forgery. When the judge was signing the records, I merely used my psychic powers to manipulate his pencil into writing 'John Phoenix won, Franziska lost'. Thus my win record is still perfect. Unlike, heh, yours..."

Phoenix: So in other words, John learned absolutely NOTHING from that.

Trucy: Also pointless! Twelve!

"BUT YOU CHEATED!" cried Franziska, but she knew deep down that this wasn't true, and that John Phoenix had bested her honestly and like a gentleman.

Edgeworth: Wow. Everything that was said out of quotes was wrong. I'm almost impressed. Almost.

"Believe that if you want," he shrugged. "But it's the judge's handwriting, so the true culprit is, obviously, him. He'll probably have his judge's badge taken away, and go to jail for his incompetence, but that's a small price to pay to maintain my record. Good day!"

Phoenix: Are we SURE this guy isn't actually Von Karma's son? It would explain almost everything about his ego.

And John Phoenix left the seething woman to meet up with Professor Layton.

Apollo: Was there even a point to having this whole trial sequence?

Edgeworth: I don't believe so. It added nothing to the plot and made this chapter unnecessarily longer.

Trucy: That's it! I'm adding fifteen to the counter for this whole sequence! Twenty-seven!

Phoenix: Still too low.

Chapter 28 Part V

For the first part of John Phoenix's investigation, he and the professor and Luke went to a spirit channeling nunnery. It was time for him to learn what was going on in heaven.

Phoenix: Spirit channel nunnery? What kind of place is that?

Apollo: Spirit channeling isn't THAT common in Khura'in. Only Queen Amara can actually channel spirits.

"Oh dearie me, what an honor to have you here," said the mother superior, leading them into the inner rectum of the building. "I must warn you, these women have never seen a man before, and certainly not one as handsome as yourself, so they may do something foolish like try to date you or even marry you!"

Phoenix: And why would the women be isolated from the world like that?

Trucy: That's just cruel, not being able to date a cute boy, not being allowed to go out with guy friends alone!

Phoenix: I've told you time and time again, Trucy. You're too young.

Edgeworth: And I thought I was strict.

"Ha ha, perfectly understandable reaction!" laughed the professor.

"Thank you, Hershel," smiled John Phoenix.

Inside the spirit channeling room they met about three dozen different women in spirit medium outfits. The least ugly one of them all stepped forward and was presented to John Phoenix.

Trucy: Least ugly? That's just sexist!

Apollo: I think we've established that he's sexist.

"Channel Maya Fey for me," ordered John Phoenix. He had been unable to make psychic communication with the woman for two days, so he was now convinced she was dead.

"Anything for you, John Phoenix," said the girl and she batted her eyelashes.

"I'm not sure she'll be able to channel anyone, though," said the mother superior, fluttering her hands. "Nobody has able to channel any spirits in a week! It's unprecedented!"

"You just don't know how work these nuns, Mother," said John Phoenix, and he wrapped an arm around the spirit medium's neck and pressed his Desert Eagle against her temple! "Now, you either bring Maya here or I'll bring you to her!"

Phoenix: Wait what? What the heck is threatening them going to accomplish?

Edgeworth: This is just painful.

The girl sweated hard, would she be able to do it? It took a few moments, and John Phoenix pulled the trigger 2/3rds of the way home, but finally a miracle happened and she channeled Maya!

"Whoa, hey, John Phoenix!" said Maya. "So I guess you know I'm dead now, huh?"

"Shut up," he said. "Be quiet. Now tell me, how did you die?"

"Um... I slipped on a bar of soap... and fell into the toilet... and drowned?"

Phoenix: Didn't fic-Maya hate Pearl for killing her? Why wouldn't she tell him the truth?

Apollo: Just to make things needlessly complicated, I guess.

"Hmph," sounded John Phoenix, "what a pointless way to die. This is why I only use Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap. You can't slip and die on it."

Edgeworth: Wow. The author decided to put in fake product placements. That just screams desperation.

Trucy: Also, "pointless way to die?" That's just cruel.

Phoenix: This is a cruel guy so it's in character. A terrible character, but still in character.

"H-heh, yeah. A-anyway, I'm kinda uncomfortable with this gun to my head, so I'd better be going..."

John Phoenix put his gun away. "Two more questions. Why did God make the stars say 'SOS' and why have the spirits been unavailable for the last week?"

"That was a prank, and everybody's just praying in church constantly. This week is a prayer drive. God's been feeling sick and he needs all the extra prayers."

John Phoenix could get no more out of her, so he let her return to heaven.

Apollo: Except that's not even close to the answer this fic has for this. So either Miss Fey is an impostor or she's actually a villain.

Phoenix: Well, after messing up Iris and Pearl's characters, this wouldn't be much of a stretch. Doesn't make it any better.

"Well, John Phoenix?" asked Layton. "What do you think?"

"All lies, obviously," he responded.

"I'm inclined to agree. But why?"

"Who knows? We can't spend anymore time on this right now. We must focus on the Magic Pen first and foremost."

Edgeworth: There are apparently two chapters after this one. How exactly does the author think they'll bring everything back together?

Phoenix: Maybe they'll make the chapters longer and longer.


"Right!" agreed Luke. "Or else your uncle will be executed for sure!"

"I hope I'll see you again," said the spirit medium. John Phoenix snapped her neck.

Trucy: Whoa! Where the heck did this come from?!

Everyone was shocked.

"Oh, why did you do that, John Phoenix!" cried the mother superior.

"Because she's a terrorist." John Phoenix took the dead woman's shirt off and revealed her terrorist tattoos!

"Excellent, but what lead you to your conclusion?" asked Layton.

"Simple," said John Phoenix. "These women have never seen men before, I arrived unannounced, I wasn't introduced, and yet she knew I was John Phoenix. Obviously that meant she was a terrorist."

Edgeworth: I honestly figured it was because the main character is oh so famous.

He took his gun back out! "Everybody against the wall and strip! Now! Oh, not you Hershel."

John Phoenix was looking for other terrorist nuns. There were quite a few with tattoos, twelve in fact, and John Phoenix shot them all like dogs. Then he shook the mother superior's hand (psychically) and left to continue his investigation.

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure this is all pointless, too.

Trucy: Agreed. Twenty-eight!

Chapter 28 Part VI

For the next part of his investigation, John Phoenix psychically communicated with everyone in Khurain City and asked them if they had seen anyone with a pen.

Apollo: Wow. How specific.

"Oh, I have, mister," said a little boy John Phoenix was communicating with. "Two strange fellows in cloaks were carrying a pen and talking about the Khurainese Crystal. I overheard it all, the evil Dragon is their master!"

"I see," said John Phoenix. "So long."

"Wait, mister, are you God?"

"No, merely godlike," he said humbly.

Edgeworth: Humble indeed, calling yourself godlike.

Phoenix: If this guy is humble, then I have massive depression.

John Phoenix related all this to the professor. Layton immediately grew aroused.

"The Khurainese Crystal is the treasure I've been searching for!" he exclaimed.

"Finally, a lead!" said Luke.

They asked around about these cloaked men, and eventually John Phoenix's investigation lead them to the base of Khurain Mountain. They went into a gift shop and the old woman inside told them that the men stopped to buy John Phoenix bobbleheads and ask for directions to the ancient Khurainese Temple.

Trucy: John Phoenix bobbleheads? How egocentric is this guy?!

Edgeworth: Very egocentric. Also, why on earth would anyone buy bobbleheads of him?

"It's located alllll the way on the tippy top," she said.

So they began climbing the mountain. It was a sheer climb, and it had to be done without climbing gear, as climbing gear was strictly forbidden on such a holy site. John Phoenix carried Luke on his back in a baby carrier. John could have flown, obviously, but he wanted a challenge.

Eventually they made it to the top of the mountain and beheld the temple. It was, basically, a cube. But it was a cube with a door, and that made all the difference.

Phoenix: Not much of a well designed temple.

Edgeworth: I can believe it, based on what this author has gave us so far.

They all entered the dark, dusty temple. It was filled with bats, skeletons, chandeliers, and portraits of saints on the walls. It was yellow, because it was like a pyramid, except a cube, and it was also used in ancient times to store grain, because it was like pyramid.

"Keep an eye out for anything that looks like a pen," warned John Phoenix.

They walked down a hallway and came to a door. It was locked with a puzzle.

Trucy: Look out, Indiana Jones! John Phoenix is clearly the best adventurer there is!

Apollo: I realize that was sarcasm but that's still an insult to Indy.

"Care to give it a shot, my boy?" asked Layton.

"Of course, Prof-"

"He was talking to me," snapped John Phoenix. He examined the puzzle closely. It was some sort of math puzzle about filling in missing numbers in a subtraction problem with a lot of digits. John Phoenix's eyes glazed over. Boring. He just tried every possible combination until he got the correct one.

Edgeworth: That is just lazy.

Phoenix: Well, to be fair, I've seen people do that in some of our fan games.

Speakers: The Management would like to...oh, you know what? It's not even worth it anymore.

Apollo: (Wow. Even the Management is getting drained by this story.)

The door (actually a heavy stone slab) sunk into the floor!

"Sound method, John Phoenix," said Layton. "Trying every single combination at lightning speed is by far the most efficient way to solve some puzzles. Luke here would probably have actually tried to work it out in his head. Ohohoho! How silly."

Luke objected. "But it's smarter to do it that way!"

"It's smarter to take longer, and to waste your precious time on this earth?" Layton shook his head. "Luke, you have a lot to learn!"

Edgeworth: At least we have a character here that we can somewhat relate to.

They descended a spiral staircase in the next room and eventually came to a large underground room with a waterfall and a pond in the center. There was a stone bridge leading to an island and on the island was a chessboard on a plinth.

There was a plate on the side of plinth that read, "To make the crystal appear, place eight queens on the board in such a way that none of the queens lie in the others' lines of attack."

Phoenix: Oh man. I hate this puzzle.

Edgeworth: You have much to learn, Wright.

"Ah, the eight queens problem!" said Luke. "We've encountered this one on our adventures before, haven't we, Professor? I confess I don't remember the exact solution, but it shouldn't be too hard, I'll just try every possible combin-"

"No," said John Phoenix. "That would take too long."

John Phoenix just stacked all the queens on top of eachother in the middle of board. This is the smartest way to solve the puzzle.

Edgeworth: ...and so does this fic, for that matter.

Trucy: If only all puzzles were this easy to solve.

Suddenly the plinth sunk into the floor, and then rose again, and now a giant shining green crystal was on it!

"The Khurainse Crystal!" cried Layton, his arousal growing even greater. "Finally, after all this time!"

Just then the room began to shake, stones fell from the ceiling, and a giant drill attached to a car (it looked like Dick Dastardly's) crashed into the room!

"Nyeh nee hee nee nah nee!" laughed one of the two figures under the dome of the car. "Thanks for solving that impossible puzzle for us, you blasted attorney!"

"Who are these clowns?" asked John Phoenix.

"It's Don Paolo and his eviler brother Juan Paolo!" said Layton, glaring hatefully. "And I won't let them steal this treasure! It belongs to ENGLAND, not whatever damned country they're from!" He grabbed the crystal and ran for it, the car in hot pursuit!

Phoenix: But...isn't Don Paolo from England?

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Juan Paolo. "I've been waiting a long time to drill you, Layton!"

"Oh no, Professor!" cried Luke. John Phoenix threw the small boy into the pond so he would stop being annoying and took action! He did a running dive and shattered the glass dome of the car and started strangling Don Paolo!

Trucy: Wow! If he was throwing Luke to safety, I'd understand but this is just wrong!

Edgeworth: This story is just wrong.

"Where's the magic pen! Tell me now!"

Juan Paolo, still trying to drill Layton, said, "Donnie, just give it to him, it's the crystal that's important!"

The blue-faced Don Paolo reached into his wallet and handed John Phoenix the pen.

John Phoenix nodded, also taking the wallet. "Okay, now to gouge your eyes out with the pen." But suddenly-

"HELP, I'M DROWNING!" cried the annoying child, drowning obnoxiously. John Phoenix had no choice but to fly over and rescue him.

"Why did you even make me throw you in the water if you can't swim!" growled John Phoenix.

Apollo: But he never gave him a reason to throw him in the water! Being annoying is not a valid reason!

[Don and Juan get away with the crystal.]

"Look on the bright side, my boy, at least John Phoenix found the magic pen! Will you be returning to the States to defend your uncle now?"

John Phoenix shook his head. "Not yet. I still have a day left, remember? I want to know what my adversary plans to do with that magic crystal." He was reminded of something. "But speaking of defending people, let me check how my cousin's defense is getting along. The tral's today."

A few seconds passed. John Phoenix's forehead got angry.

"John Phoenix, there are lines on your forehead suggesting anger," observed Layton. "Why?"

"Because Marvin Grossberg won't defend my cousin, and neither will any other defense attorney for some reason. They're afraid of terrorists, I think? And apparently there's a new law that says you can't use psychic powers in court anymore, so if I want to defend my cousin myself I'd have to go all the way back to America."

Phoenix: Well at least the fic-world is sane enough to come up with a law like that.

Trucy: Maybe he should return to America then to defend his own cousin!

Apollo: That would imply he cared about you.

Edgeworth: That would also imply he cares about anyone.

"And will you, John?" asked Layton.

"No. Not yet, Hershel. I'm needed here. It seems I'll have to break a legendary defense attorney out of prison. A man wrongly accused. A man not as great as me, but perhaps a distant third, or even second..."

Phoenix: What, is he planning on breaking fic-me out of prison? Isn't he gonna defend me in court or something?

Apollo: Well if not you, then I'm not sure who else it could author wouldn't do THAT...would they?

Back in Los Angeles...

It was a comfortable cell, to be sure. A plush armchair, a large bookshelf, and a single flower in a measuring cup. There was also a small table with a framed headshot of John Phoenix on it. "To my dear friend, a man railroaded by a corrupt justice system, from yr. friend, JOHN PHOENIX" said the message on the photo.

Kristoph Gavin was levitating in the lotus position. Suddenly his hair began to blow around like there was an invisible hair dryer nearby.

Apollo: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Phoenix: WHY?!

Trucy: *glares at screen*

Edgeworth: ...

"Ah," he said with a smile, opening his eyes, "so my friend John Phoenix requires my help, hmm?"

To be continued...

Apollo: You know what, though? I can completely believe that John would associate with someone like Mr. Gavin. Doesn't make it right, but still.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: I feel like our complaints are starting to get repetitive.

Edgeworth: Well there's only so much we can say about a terrible story like this one.

Speakers: Well there's two chapters left. Maybe we can get something new from the author. I doubt it but it's still something to hope for.

Apollo: I've abandoned all hope long ago.

Trucy: I haven't! It'll be over soon enough, Polly!

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 20

Edgeworth: Only two chapters left. I don't suppose we could just stop here?

Trucy: Nope! We're in this until the bitter end, no matter what anyone else says.

Apollo: At least one of us is enthusiastic.

Phoenix: Let's just get this over with.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 29: John Phoenix Breaks Kristoph Gavin Out of Prison

Apollo: Oh right. I tried to forget that the cliffhanger from last chapter was that Mr. Gavin was in this.

Phoenix: And that he's somehow portrayed as a victim despite being a murderer.

John Phoenix used his psychic powers to break Kristoph Gavin out of prison. It was simplicity in itself; all John Phoenix had to do was touch his forehead and then the key floated out of the guard's pocket and into Kristoph's cell. This worked even though John Phoenix was in a different country because John Phoenix has psychic powers.

Trucy: Gotta emphasize the fact that John is a complete Mary Sue!

Edgeworth: As if the previous chapters didn't already do that.

Phoenix: At least they're not putting in the idea that fic-me is an idiot.

Apollo: ...yet.

"Thank you, John Phoenix," said Kristoph Gavin, smiling. John Phoenix heard this because Kristoph Gavin has psychic powers. He had only begun to tap into them recently with the help of John Phoenix, but they had always been there.

Phoenix: ...seriously? Bad enough we had one character with psychic powers but TWO?! It's like the author is TRYING to make us hate the story.

Edgeworth: I thought that was obvious.

Apollo: And will the fic explain how Mr. Gavin got those powers?

Edgeworth: Likely in a very idiotic and contrived way.

Trucy: Broken but why bother fixing it in the next to last chapter?

"You're welcome, my friend."

John Phoenix finished giving Kristoph his instructions, and then Merlin flew by on his broomstick.

"Johnny, my boy," said Merlin, "the Dragon is outside the royal palace! He's using the crystal to perform miracles and convert people to terrorism!"

Apollo: Gee, when you put it that way, it almost sounds like the bad guys are the ones to be rooting for, performing miracles like that.

John Phoenix was enraged! But he also wasn't.

All: Then what was he?!

"Hershel, I must go and defeat the leader of the KRA and put an end to this war," said John Phoenix to his dear friend.

"I understand, John," replied Professor Layton. "The Khurainese Crystal could be very dangerous in the wrong hands, so be careful!"

Edgeworth: In other words, keep it as far away from John as possible.

John Phoenix flew to the base to get suited up for the final battle. The John Phoenix theme song played as John Phoenix put on his power armor.

Trucy: What exactly would the John Phoenix theme song be?

Speakers: Actually, we thought of that ourselves and we think we have the answer; "Friday" by Rebecca Black. It fully encompasses the annoying nature that is John Phoenix.

Trucy: Wow! What a disservice to Rebecca Black!

There were a lot of cool sound effects as he slipped on each individual piece. His cool helmet slid on and the visor lowered over his super intense eyes. Then the visor glowed red in a cool way.


Phoenix: It feels like this guy is overcompensating for something.

Apollo: Even Michael Bay would say that this is too over the top.

Trucy: Ooooooh. Sick burn, Polly!

"Ohohoho," said Dr. Hotti.

Phoenix: Where the heck did that guy come from?!

John Phoenix grabbed a futuristic spear and ran down a corridor filled with flashing red lights as an alarm blared!

"The KRA have completely overrun the city, sir, and our forces have been all but wiped out!" said a man in the control room. General Payne steepled his fingers and watched the destruction unfold over the monitor.

"I see... it appears we have no choice but to use America's ultimate weapon." He lifted a glass case and pressed a button. "Release the Phoenix!"


Edgeworth: I believe we're in the wrong fic. This is supposed to be "The Adventures of John Phoenix," not "The Adventures of John John Phoenix."

John Phoenix shot out of a missile silo and took to the skies with his metallic pegasus wings! He flew towards the royal palace to stop the insane terrorist leader, but there was a squadron of fighter jets waiting for him! They fired the machine guns! But then a strange plane did a barrel roll in front of John Phoenix and deflected the bullets!

"Need some assistance?" It was Miles Edgeworth in his new quadplane!

Edgeworth: *sigh* I should've guessed I'd return to this story once again.

Phoenix: It's still a more dignified role than any of us have.

Edgeworth: I'm still not happy about it, though.

The two friends teamed up and effortlessly defeated the enemy planes. John Phoenix flew underneath a jet and jabbed his spear through the bottom of the plane and pierced the pilot in the stomach! He pulled the man out through the hole and the jet went out of control and crashed into a church!

"Please don't kill me," sobbed the pilot. "The terrorists kidnapped my daughter and forced me to fly their plane. I don't want to die."

"Spare me the sob story."

John Phoenix ripped out the pilot's heart and pinned it to the man's arm with a knife.

"You shouldn't wear your heart on your sleeve."

John Phoenix flicked the pilot off his spear like a booger and flung him into the burning church.

Trucy: Geez, no need to be so overly dramatic with your death scenes, author.

Phoenix: Well they have to pad the story out somehow.

[More killing terrorists.]


The Dragon, fully decked out in his armor, was addressing a crowd in front of the royal palace. With him were his terrorist friends: Manfred von Robot, Don and Juan Paolo, Morgan le Fey, Principal Buddy Johnson, Damon Gant, a shadowy figure, the teacher John Phoenix punched, the conductor, and a man who was half vampire, half werewolf.

Apollo: Um...half these people either weren't mentioned, are dead, or haven't been established to be terrorists in the first place.

Trucy: How exactly is anyone supposed to be half werewolf half vampire? It's like the ultimate Twilight combination.

Phoenix: At this point, I'd gladly read that stuff over this crap.

"Let the king and queen go, you... you terrorist!" cried an angry peasant. The king and queen were locked up in stocks.

"No," said the Dragon. "They are bad. They abuse their power and refused to meet our very reasonable demands. They are bad. I will be a better leader. Also, I won't be the leader. I will be your best friend."

The peasant was struck by these words. He had never had a friend before. Perhaps the KRA wasn't so bad after all? The other peasants nodded and seemed swayed by these words as well.

Edgeworth: These people have to be the most fickle I've seen. And I've seen plenty.

Phoenix: They must be relatives of the judge.

"Now behold!" The Dragon lifted the crystal above his head. "With this crystal I shall perform miracles! You, disgusting leper! Come here!"

Dylan Fitchar crawled out of the crowd as people kicked and spit at him. Dylan flinched as the Dragon raised his hand, but instead of hitting him, the Dragon shot healing rays out of his fingertips!

"H-hey! My tongue's regenerated! I can speak!" cried Dylan. "And I think my cancer's gone, too!" He started dancing around on his tippy toes and the peasants all cheered and the crystal began to glow!

Apollo: Why are we supposed to be rooting against this guy again? He just cured someone's cancer.

"Ah, all accordion to plan," said the Dragon. You see, the crystal was powered by terrorism.

Phoenix: How is a crystal powered by terrorism, exactly? That sounds...impossible. More so than most of the other impossible stuff in this story.

Trucy: Accordion to plan? That just sounds silly.

Suddenly a jet crashed into the crowd and blew up! Limbs and severed heads flew everywhere! Then a robot man emerged from the smoke and the flames.

Edgeworth: Ah, that must be our main "hero."

"Master, who is this!" cried Manfred von Robot. "His suit looks just like yours!

"No," replied John Phoenix. "It's original. I came up with the design independently."

"John Phoenix..." growled the Dragon. "You monster! Do you even care how many people you just killed?"

"No," said John Phoenix. "Also, I crashed the jet into the crowd and blew their limbs and heads off in such a way that no one died. And only the bad people got hurt. The good people didn't get hurt."

Phoenix: ...I take it back. THIS is the most impossible thing in this story.

Then John Phoenix's friends arrived to back him up! Edgeworth landed his plane, Merlin flew in on his broomstick with Layton and Luke, and Klavier and the others shot their way through the crowd!

The terrorists raised their guns, but the Dragon waved an arm for them to stop without turning around.

"No, this is between me and John Phoenix." He handed the crystal to Morgan and took out his futuristic halberd. "I tried to avoid this, John Phoenix, but you refused to go home. Now I will send you home in a box! DIE!"

Trucy: Is it bad that I'm rooting for the villain here?

Everyone else: No.

Then John Phoenix and the evil terrorist leader flew into the sky and engaged in an epic fight! It was so epic that trying to describe it would be pointless, so let's see what Kristoph Gavin is up to instead.

Apollo: You know what? At this point, I kinda WANT to follow Mr. Gavin over this terrible character.

Phoenix: Are you sure that isn't just because the author of this post isn't a huge Kristoph Gavin fan?

Speakers: That is probably the most terrible breaking of the fourth wall that we've seen. Stop.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles

As Kristoph Gavin made his way to the district court, he reflected on his friendship with John Phoenix. Merely a few days after being born, John Phoenix started sending him fan mail and well wishes. Kristoph had been touched, and also impressed by the young boy's dream of becoming a defense attorney and his belief that Kristoph was innocent and one of the greatest lawyers to ever live. Kristoph encouraged John Phoenix's dreams, and considered himself the boy's mentor.

Phoenix: Um...wouldn't I have stopped John upon realizing that he was writing to the man who got me disbarred?

Edgeworth: That would imply John had a shred of respect for fic-you.

Later, after John Phoenix unlocked his psychic powers, he began helping Kristoph tap into his own powers as well. Now it was time to pay John Phoenix back for all he had done. Kristoph was determined to save John Phoenix's cousin!

Apollo: I kinda find it hard to believe that Mr. Gavin would care for the biological daughter of the man he killed.

Since Kristoph was an escaped criminal, the first thing to do was to impersonate his brother Klavier Gavin so he could defend John Phoenix's cousin.

Kristoph took off his glasses.

Then, he moved his hair slightly.

Finally, he pulled a dead man out of burned-out car and put on the man's purple shirt.

"I have become my brother," said Kristoph Gavin. Now that he was his brother, he hurried with quickened step to the courthouse.

Apollo: I still find it kinda unnerving how much those two look alike.

Edgeworth: When you're surrounded by Klavier's demeanor, you look past that fact after a while.

When he arrived, he saw that the courthouse had been covered with an anti-psychic material (tin foil) to prevent the use of psychic powers during trials. John Phoenix, enraged, used telekinesis across oceans and continents to fling dumpsters and semi trucks at the court. Police officers fired volleys of rockets to deflect the psychic projectiles.

Phoenix: Very impressive how he's able to do this while fighting The Dragon.

Edgeworth: More like implausible.

Trucy: Wouldn't that just destroy the courthouse?

Kristoph took advantage of the explosions to sneak into the court, and then he crawled around in the air vents until he got to the defense lobby where John Phoenix's cousin was. Kristoph watched John Phoenix's cousin and John Phoenix's cousin's lawyer through the grill.

Trucy: I have a name!

Apollo: But everything has to be about John, apparently.

Edgeworth: I thought you didn't want to be a part of this story.

Trucy: I don't. But if I'm gonna be in it, the least the author can do is call me by my proper name!

"Why, that man is no more than a mere public defender!" cried Kristoph in disgust. "Oh no, this won't do, not at all."

He punched open the air vent and then killed the peasant lawyer with a fire extinguisher he had concealed in his pants.

Phoenix: For some reason, this all seems very familiar to me...

Trucy: Unless Mr. Gavin was using magic panties, he shouldn't be able to fit a fire extinguisher in his pants.

Apollo: Are we just gonna ignore the fact that Mr. Gavin killed YET ANOTHER PERSON?!

Edgeworth: Hardly the first lampshaded death in this story.

"Mr. Klavier, what are you doing here?" asked John Phoenix's cousin. "And why did you kill my lawyer?"

"Simple, fraulein, the man was a terrorist! All public defenders in this country are part of a terrorist conspiracy to ensure that you receive a poor defense! John Phoenix told me."

Apollo: Trustworthy source, right there.

"Wow! How shocking! But who's gonna defend me? I couldn't get anyone else to do it."

"Fret not, that's why I'm here, to defend you!" said Kristoph, stuffing the corpse into the air vent. He took some rats out of his pockets and they began eating the corpse. "I always keep trained rats in my pocket. It's more efficient than eating the corpse myself. Besides, I am not, nor have I ever been, a cannibal."

Apollo: ...the idea of Mr. Gavin being a cannibal is just too disturbing to think about.

Phoenix: Even I feel kinda sorry for him. Not really, though.

John Phoenix's cousin got nervous. John Phoenix's cousin didn't remember Klavier Gavin being so insane and creepy. Could John Phoenix's cousin trust John Phoenix's cousin's life to this man? But John Phoenix's cousin knew that John Phoenix worked in mysterious ways, so John Phoenix's cousin allowed John Phoenix's cousin's self be led by Kristoph into the courtroom.


Phoenix: Let's see. That's...eight times that the name "John Phoenix" appears in this paragraph.

Edgeworth: Even though this is a part of the story where John doesn't appear, it seems he can never be forgotten.

Apollo: If only we could forget.

In the courtroom...

Bang! "Court is now in session for the trial of John Phoenix's cousin!"

Trucy: But I'm...oh, forget it.

"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor," said Max Payne, Winston Payne's bratty teenage son.

Apollo: Wait, Max Payne? From those video games?

Edgeworth: I can't say I know much about that particular video game but I can guarantee that this is nothing like the original character.

"The defense is ready, Your Honor," said Kristoph Gavin.

The Judge blinked. "Wait a minute, aren't you Kristoph Gavin? The disgraced defense attorney who escaped from prison earlier and killed seven guards on his way out?"

"Ha ha ha... achtung, Your Honor! You are mistaken. I am actually my brother Klavier Gavin."

"You are... your brother... Oh, I see! You are Klavier Gavin. You should be more careful how you word things, for a moment it sounded like you were saying you're Kristoph Gavin disguised as Klavier Gavin!"

Phoenix: Well, it wouldn't be the first time that the judge mistook someone's identity in court.

Apollo: Wait, really? I'm pretty sure it would be easy to notice a difference between the two of them.

Phoenix: Oh you have no idea...

"Ha ha, how silly. My bad, Your Honor."

"Well," said the Judge, "now that's that settled, let's begin the trial."

"Objection!" whined Max Payne. "Your Honnnnnoooooor, Klavier Gavin is a prosecutor, he can't be the defense!"

Kristoph objected right back. "Objection! My, my, aren't you an ignorant whelp? Surely you heard about the new law passed recently? I've been in prison until an hour ago and even I am aware of this law!"

Phoenix: That, however, should give it away.

Edgeworth: Even so, the defendant has a right to a counsel of her choosing. It's not a "new law."

Trucy: Not like I'd ever choose Mr. Gavin as my attorney!

"What law would this be, Mr. Gavin?" asked the Judge.

"Quite simply, if no defense attorney can be found to represent a defendant, then a prosecutor may serve as defense. This law was deemed necessary because of the new single day trial rule. As you are no doubt aware, due to the soaring crime rate and the staggering number of defendants to be tried, all trials must last only day!"

"Oh yes, now I remember," nodded the judge.

Apollo: Single day trial rule?

Phoenix: As if our job wasn't hard enough already.

"OBJECTION" said Max Payne. "But that law is only supposed to be used as last resort! We'll just get another public defender to represent John Phoenix's cousin."

Kristoph laughed and shook his head. "I'm afraid that you'll find that all the public defenders in the country are dead, killed in mysterious 'accidents.'"

"You did this, didn't you?" asked Max Payne.

Kristoph just smiled. "Or John Phoenix. Seems like something he'd do, doesn't it?"

Edgeworth: Actually, yes. That does seem like something he'd do.

Phoenix: At least the fic's self aware.

"Well, since there's no other option," said the Judge, "Klavier Gavin is a temporary defense attorney. Now let's begin the trial!"

"Ugh, fine, whatever grandpa," said Max Payne. "I call Lisa Basil to the stand!"

Phoenix: Oh look. Another random cameo for no real reason.

Meanwhile, in the attic above the courtroom, Lotta Hart moved a floorboard (actually a ceilingboard) out of the way and aimed her camera at the witness.

"Y'all better not let us down, bitch," she whispered, "or else it's curtains!" Her camera is a gun.

Max Payne asked for Lisa's name and occupation.

"I am Lisa Basil, the overseer at the robot orphanage where this terrible crime took place!"

Phoenix: know what? I could almost believe that as an alternate occupation for her. Almost.

Apollo: You meet some interesting people, Mr. Wright.

Edgeworth: Also, how exactly can a camera be me a gun?

Trucy: Magic? Maybe? I've got nothing.

"Okay, lady, you saw John Phoenix's cousin kill Machi Tobaye, right?" asked Max. "Tell us about that."

Trucy: I'd never kill Machi! Or anyone for that matter!

Phoenix: As was proven just a little bit ago.

Edgeworth: But the author doesn't acknowledge the existence of the last two years, remember? Even though nothing truly terrible objectively happened and they're all canon to the Ace Attorney timeline, unlike this terrible story?

Speakers: You know what? We'll let that fourth wall break slide. You've just said what was on everyone's mind.

Lisa began her testimony.

"I saw John Phoenix's cousin stab the victim with a knife."

Suddenly Kristoph objected so loudly the entire courtroom shook and parts of the ceiling fell into the gallery!

Trucy: Really? I'd believe Polly's objection could do that more than Mr. Gavin's objection.

Apollo: Yeah. As far as objections go, Mr. Gavin's was kinda weak.

Edgeworth: (No objection could be worse than Ms. Yew's.)

"OBJECTION! Witness! There's a contradiction in your statement just now."

"Ugh, no there's not, shut uuuuup," whined Max Payne.

"Ahaha," replied Kristoph, "but there is! There's no knife in the court record! That means she couldn't have seen a knife."

Phoenix: What kind of contradiction is that supposed to be?

Edgeworth: A terrible one.

"No you didn't," said Kristoph. "It doesn't exist."

"OBJECTION" said Max Payne. "But the autopsy report says the victim was stabbed..."

"Then there's only one explanation," said Kristoph. "If Lisa did see a knife, it must have been because it was in her own hand, and she was stabbing the victim with it. If John Phoenix's cousin was the REAL murderer, Lisa would have seen where she hid the knife, and it would be in the court record!"

"AHHHHH, NOOOOOOO!" screamed Lisa, slamming her face into the stand.

All: ...

Apollo: No...just...just no.

"But... but of course!" cried the Judge. "It's so obvious. Good work, Mr. Kristoph. I find the defendant..."

"Objection!" said Max Payne. "One question, Mr. Gavin: if Lisa is the murderer, then where did she hide the murder weapon? Because she hasn't been allowed to leave the orphanage until today, and the entire building and the grounds were searched, and we also searched all the orphans and staff. We didn't find anything!"

"Hold it! I could ask you the same thing. How did my client have dispose of the knife?"

"SHUT UP because proper procedure wasn't followed. It appears the arresting detective is a friend of the defendant's father and went easy on her. She wasn't even handcuffed! I have here a transcript of the conversation they had while driving to the police station. The detective left the radio on."

Edgeworth: That...has nothing to do with the question that Gavin posed. Not that this is a good argument either way.

TRUCY WRIGHT: Gumshoe, drive there as fast as you can! And put the top down!

DETECTIVE GUMSHOE: [chuckles] You got it, pal!

[Sounds of police cruiser roof retracting]

TRUCY WRIGHT: Yay! Hey, why aren't you using the sirens?

DETECTIVE GUMSHOE: Um, that's kinda broken right now... with this economy and the war and all there's not enough money in the budget to fix it.

TRUCY WRIGHT: Then let's be the sirens ourselves!

DETECTIVE GUMSHOE: Good thinking! Whee ooh whee ooh whee ooh!

TRUCY WRIGHT: Whee ooh whee ooh whee ooh!

[Sounds of incompetent detective and obnoxious child imitating police sirens]

Apollo: (Why does this seem like something she would totally do?)

Trucy: (Ooh. That actually looks kinda fun...hey! Obnoxious child?!)

"Since she wasn't searched right away," explained Max, "she could have hidden the knife in her stupid hat or something and then thrown it down a manhole. That's probably why she asked Detective Dumbshoe to put the top down." Max ran a hand through his glorious mane. "See, Klavier? She's the only one who could have disposed of the murder weapon!"

"There's another possibility, Max," said Kristoph, glowering. It that moment he became Pisstoph Gavin. "One you seem intent on ignoring. Namely, that the killer didn't dispose of the weapon, and it's in this very courtroom! Lisa Basil just ate the knife! It's in her stomach right now!"

Phoenix: Pfft. Okay, Pisstoph Gavin is actually kinda funny. But seriously...what? I don't think that's possible. Or at least, not possible to do and still be alive.

Trucy: Wouldn't eating the weapon still count as disposing of it?

Apollo: Not really the best thing to be focusing on.

The gallery went crazy! Lisa was sweating hard!

"OBJECTION you've been watching too many of your client's magic tricks," said Max. "Nobody can eat a knife, they'd die."

"OBJECTION ah, but you assume the murder weapon was a normal knife! But if it was a FOLDING KNIFE, all she would have to do to eat it safely it is to FOLD IT!"

The camera zoomed in on Kristoph's face. "LISA BASIL, THE MURDERER IS YOU!"

Lisa wailed and punched herself in the gut, which caused the knife to unfold, and then she started doing hula hoop motions and the knife bounced around in her stomach and her intestines and blood shot out everywhere. Then, finally, she collapsed and died, the tell-tale knife sticking out.

Edgeworth: Return of the needlessly dramatic death scenes. I missed them so much, except not really.

Kristoph played air violin instead of air guitar, because he's more cultured than his brother, and said: "And that, Your Honor, is a confession."

Apollo: Actually, I could kinda see Mr. Gavin doing something like that.

The Judge found John Phoenix's cousin NOT GUILTY! Everyone cheered! But then Lotta Hart aimed her camera at John Phoenix's cousin. She was about to pull the trigger when a mysterious masked man burst into the attic and karate chopped her in the back of the neck!


Lotta fell out of attic and got impaled on the knife sticking out Lisa's stomach! The Judge looked at the ceiling.

"Oh my, who is that mysterious masked man? Oh well, court is adjourned!"

Phoenix: Oh look! Another lampshaded death scene!

Edgeworth: They'll probably explain it in a contrived way once again.

In the defense lobby...

"Thanks a lot, Mr. Gavin!" said John Phoenix's cousin. Just then the mysterious masked man entered the room and took off his mask. He was actually Phoenix Wright!

Phoenix: ...oh. least I wasn't treated completely like garbage.

Trucy: That's a step up, Daddy!

"Daddy!" squealed John Phoenix's cousin. "What are you doing out of prison!"

"A mysterious masked man broke into prison and then he broke me and Larry and Spark out," he explained. "Most of the cops were assigned to rocket launcher duty in front of the courthouse, or looking for Kristoph, so it wasn't too hard. Then I put on a mask and became mysterious myself and came to make sure the terrorists didn't try any funny business!"

Phoenix: How convenient.

Edgeworth: See? Explained in a contrived way.

So John Phoenix's uncle and John Phoenix's cousin hugged, but then a ceiling cleaner fell from the ceiling!


His glasses flew off and landed on Klavier's nose... revealing him to actually be...

"Kristoph Gavin?" cried John Phoenix's uncle and John Phoenix's cousin. Phoenix stared hard for a moment, and then embraced Kristoph. Kristoph was surprised, but he hugged back.

Phoenix: Um...I'm conflicted. On one hand, I'd kinda be happy to thank the man who saved my daughter but if that man is Kristoph Gavin...

Apollo: I feel you, Mr. Wright.

"Thank you, Kristoph," said Phoenix Wright. "Thank you for saving my daughter. I'm sorry for forging evidence and putting you in prison."

"I apologize, too, Wright. For getting you disbarred, even though in a way it was mostly your fault, because I was testing you, and you shouldn't have used random evidence given to you by suspicious child."

Phoenix: Ah, there's the garbage treatment of me. The fic felt incomplete for a bit, there.

Apollo: And there was much rejoicing.

Phoenix laughed. "Yeah, I can be pretty stupid at times! Thankfully I have people like John Phoenix and you to keep me on the right track when I get a little TOO stupid!"

The two men uncoupled and shook hands manfully. They were best friends again.

Phoenix: Okay, that is definitely a stretch too far for me.

Trucy: Me too!

Trucy, whoops, I mean John Phoenix's cousin, gave a thumbs up.

Trucy: OH COME ON!

Edgeworth: Before that sentence, I was ninety-nine percent sure this was a troll fic. Now, I'm one hundred percent sure.

Then there was an explosion outside! Everyone ran to the window and saw a huge mushroom cloud in the distance!

A little while earlier...

John Phoenix and the Dragon had been engaged in a most interesting debate about religion and the best form of government, and during this debate they had thrown buildings and trees at each other and destroyed half the city. Now the Dragon's armor had cracks all over it.

Edgeworth: How exactly are they able to keep up debates about this stuff in the midst of a heated battle?

Trucy: Have you ever played the Metal Gear Solid games? Those happen all the time.

"Time to shoot your cracks," said John Phoenix. Panels in his legs opened and he pulled out two custom 9mm Mac-10's. They were special because they had four magazines each: one on the bottom, two on the sides, and one on top, forming a cross shape. This was appropriate because John Phoenix is a holy warrior of justice.

Apollo: How many custom guns does this guy need?!

Phoenix: Too many.

He fired the guns while spinning around the air, sending a hailstorm of bullets at the terrorist leader! The bullets landed in the cracks and then expanded, because they were expanding bullets, and the Dragon's armor flew off revealing...

"Who are you?" asked John Phoenix. "And why do you look like me?" The man looked just like John Phoenix except his suit was red and he had a mullet.

"I am Percy Percival," said the adopted son of the king, hovering in the air. "But my real name... is John Dragon! I am your twin brother! That baby your mother delivered that the doctors thought was dead? That was me! But now I'm back from the dead to do battle with you. In Khurainese mythology, the phoenix and the dragon are mortal enemies. I tried to avoid my destiny, but now I'm ready to put a stop to you and your destructive ways! And then no one can stop me on my quest for world unification! Prepare to die!"

To be continued one last time!

All: ...

Trucy: What the heck did I just read?

Edgeworth: The most desperate, out of nowhere twist that has ever been put to a fanfiction.

Apollo: There was absolutely no buildup whatsoever to give us ANY idea that this twist was a thing.

Phoenix: And it makes no sense, too. The story was clear that the baby that almost died was John Phoenix. It couldn't have been interpreted any other way.

Edgeworth: I believe we've found the most idiotic thing imaginable in this story. I don't think anything can possibly top it. And I mean that sincerely this time.

[The lights turn on again.]

Phoenix: Wow. That was I mean most of the chapter was normal bad for this fic's standards but that ending. That was beyond awful writing. Beyond awful storytelling.

Edgeworth: And there's still one more chapter to go. I am not looking forward to this.

Apollo: At least it all comes to an end soon.

Trucy: I hope it does.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

The Adventures of John Phoenix Sporking: Part 21

Speakers: Well, sporkers, we have good news and bad news.

Phoenix: I'm incredibly nervous about the bad news.

Speakers: Good news is, we're close to the end! Bad news, there's actually TWO chapters left instead of one.

Trucy: Didn't the author specifically say that there was only gonna be thirty chapters?

Edgeworth: It was perhaps one final troll on the audience. How fitting.

Apollo: At least we can finish this up and never have to talk about this stupid story again.

Trucy: You know what? I think we can tackle both chapters in one sitting. Everyone with me?

Phoenix: If it gets us out faster, then sure.

Edgeworth: I suppose it makes sense to get it all done at once.

Apollo: Sure, why not?

Speakers: If you say so. But this is gonna hurt.

Phoenix: We know. But that hasn't stopped us or the author.

[The lights dim.]

Apollo: So what happened last time? It's been a while.

Edgeworth: I believe the author had just given the plot twist that the main villain of the story was acutally John's twin brother.

Apollo: Oh...that. I can't WAIT to see how the author explains that one.

Chapter 30: John Phoenix Breaks Into Heaven

A/N: Okay, I finished chapter 30 and it's kind of long, so I had a great idea, I'll split it in two and have the second part be the EPILOGUE!

Edgeworth: If by great idea, you mean a terrible idea, then I agree.

John Phoenix and his evil brother John Dragon were floating above Khurain City. John Dragon fired a laser beam out of his fingertip but John Phoenix dodged it and then typed a secret code into the keypad on his arm. A panel in John Phoenix's power suit opened and Trilo Quist flew out in a jetpack.

Phoenix: Um...what good will that do?

Trucy: If it was Mr. Hat, then maybe it could do something, but as is, it's just a lame puppet.

"What's that thing?" asked John Dragon. Then Trilo bit him on the dick! "AH DAMN IT" He ripped Trilo's head off and threw it away. John Phoenix took out the angel gun and fired it at his brother.

Apollo: Oh good. We FINALLY get that plot wrapped up. There's still one bullet left. And again, it'll probably be the slowest moving bullet in history.

On the ground, John Phoenix's friends and the terrorists were watching this epic battle unfold.

"It looks like John Phoenix just fired some incredibly fast moving object at the terrorist leader," said Edgeworth. "Wait, let me check." He took out a telescope. "It's... yes, it's an angel bullet! It's heading right for the Dragon!"

Apollo: Yep. Slowest bullet ever.

But before the bullet could hit John Dragon, the bullet containing Mary Wright's soul flew in front of it and took the hit!

"No! Mother!" cried John Phoenix. Now her soul was trapped in a bullet trapped in a bullet forever. The bullet fell to the ground and was lost in the rubble.

Trucy: Yo dawg, I heard you like bullets! So we put a bullet in yo' bullet!

Apollo: Seriously, Trucy? That's what you referenced?

Trucy: Hey, you come up with the references if you have a better idea!

"Foolish woman," said John Dragon. "She must have overheard that I'm her son and sacrificed herself for my sake. But what she doesn't know is that while I'm your twin and came out of her womb, she wasn't my real mother!"

All: ...

Edgeworth: How on earth is that possible?!

Phoenix: Um...maybe they had transplanted the fetus into a different woman but then...yeah, I've got nothing.

Then John Dragon ripped the spire off a church steeple and threw it John Phoenix! He crash landed in front of the palace. His friends tried to help him, but John Dragon scared them off. He pulled John Phoenix out of the ruined shell of his armor and threw him to the ground.

All: *applause*

Trucy: It might be cruel of me to wish him to die but I don't care! We've suffered enough!

Edgeworth: If it ends this story, then I'm all for the main character dying.

"You should have stayed in America, John Phoenix," he said. "I tried to spare you, brother."

"But are you my brother?" asked John Phoenix. "Sorry, but I don't see the resemblance. I'd never do terrorism or have a mullet."

"Allow me to explain. Maybe it will give you some insight. My real mother is Morgan le Fey, who is actually Bethany Edgeworth, who faked her death all those years ago to get away from her wussy husband Greg." Morgan waved at Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: ...especially since if he didn't die, the author would keep putting in stupid plot threads like that. So...this story is saying that I'm actually the son of Morgan Fey?

Phoenix: That's just...*shudder* I don't even WANT to think about that.

"Ah, that makes sense," nodded Edgeworth. "That explains why I had magical powers in my youth and why my father called my mother a witch. She was literally a witch."

Apollo: So, that's the explanation they're giving for why fic-you had a tail?

Edgeworth: That's know what? I'm done with this plot thread. Moving on.

Phoenix: Are you sure? Because it sounds kinda import-

Edgeworth: MOVING ON!

"Anyway," continued Dragon, "my mother had womb cancer, so she slept with Mary Wright and transplanted my fetus into your mother's healthy womb. But then your mother slept with my father and got pregnant again. Your mother returned to America and gave birth, first to me. That dead baby the doctors mistook for you was me, and I actually was dead.

Edgeworth: One, that's not biologically possible. When a woman gets pregnant, she can't produce a second fetus until after the original one is born. Two, there was absolutely no indication whatsoever that the baby the doctors thought was dead was a different baby than John Phoenix. Three, if he was actually dead, THEN HOW IS HE ALIVE NOW?!

Phoenix: They'll probably say it was a spell or something.

Apollo: Which doesn't exist in Khura'in.

Phoenix: (Should I tell them about Labyrinthia?)

Edgeworth: And four, there's a typo. It should be that she slept with "your father," not "my father."

"My mother used a sleeping spell on everyone in the room and she stole my corpse and returned to my native Khurain to bury me. But then she used the last of her magical strength to revive me, and then died herself. My father, in grief, left me on the doorstep of the royal palace. The king and queen adopted me and named me 'Percy Percival'. But my real name was always John Dragon.

Trucy: Quite the display of magic used!

Phoenix: But we saw Morgan earlier in the chapter so how is she alive now? And how did he ever figure out his real name?

"As I grew up I witnessed the injustice my adoptive parents inflicted on the peasants, so I started the KRA in secret. Eventually I met up with my father and we came up with an even better plan. But first we had to get Pearl Fey to channel my mother, because only a Fey can channel a Fey! That's how it works!"

Apollo: Well it's clear the adoptive parents aren't Ga'ran and Inga, so how exactly were they inflicting injustice on the people? Show, don't tell, author!

Phoenix: Also, I'm pretty sure that a Fey could be channeled by a spirit medium other than a Fey. For instance, Queen Amara could probably channel Mia if she had the proper information.

He took out the fully-charged terrorism crystal and threw it onto the top of the palace. Morgan shot magical rays at it!

"And now my mother's magic will activate the crystal's secondary properties. The crystal, situated on the highest point in the city, will soon send out mind control rays that will make everyone in Khurain docile as puppies! Now there will be no more war or oppression, and everyone will live in peace and prosperity under my guidance!"

Edgeworth: Well, gee, when you put it like that, that actually sounds...nice. Granted, that might be a little extreme, but I wouldn't call the main villain evil by any means. A well-intentioned extremist at worst.

Phoenix: Still, authoritarianism does sound pretty bad so...

Trucy: I'm still hoping John Phoenix gets axed off.

Apollo: We all are.

John Dragon laughed.

"See, John Phoenix? Unlike you I actually care about people. You're just a mercenary. I should have strangled you in the womb when I had the chance. It would have spared people a lot of suffering."

All: Agreed!

John Phoenix glared at John Dragon. "I'd rather destroy this world than let an egotistical madman like you have it, Dragon." He closed his eyes.

Edgeworth: Now THAT on the other hand, is just evil. I would certainly rather live in peace than die thanks to a madman like John Phoenix! In other words, between the "hero" and "villain," the villain of this story is the lesser of two evils!

Phoenix: Is the author even trying to get us to like the main character anymore?

Trucy: Troll story, remember?

"What's he doing, father?" asked John Dragon.

"He's going to the oval office to start a nuclear war!" growled Buddy Johnson. "Stop him, son!"

"No!" roared John Dragon. "I won't let you!"

Apollo: Wait, wait, wait. Did the author just casually throw out that Buddy Johnson is John Dragon's father?

Edgeworth: I believe so.

Apollo: Alright. One, where the heck did this come from? Two, if he's the son of Morgan Fey and Buddy Johnson, why is his last name Dragon? Three, if he's the father of the KRA's leader, why did Damon Gant kill him in the first place? And four, if he was killed before, WHY IS HE ALIVE?!

Trucy: Geez, Polly. You're taking Mr. Edgeworth's job, pointing out all the plotholes in this story.

Edgeworth: Actually, I rather appreciate it. I could use a break from pointing them out.

Meanwhile in the Oval Office

The president was sitting at his desk and doing his homework when suddenly the lips of a George Washington painting began to move!

"It is I, John Phoenix," said George Washington. "I'm here to tell you start World War III."

Phoenix: Well when a painting claims to be a complete stranger and tells you to start World War III, there's only one logical thing to do.

Edgeworth: Seek mental help?

Apollo: Tell the painting to shut up?

Trucy: Question why the president is doing homework instead of doing actual presidential stuff?

Phoenix: No! The best thing to do is follow that advice and nuke the world!

"Okay. But why?"

"Because the liberty of the free world is at stake. We must start a nuclear war and stop John Dragon before he destroys our free will and makes us his slaves!"

Phoenix: Wow. The president is actually taking all this pretty well, all things considered.

The president reached out for the nuke button on his desk. His finger stopped in midair and he looked up.

"Won't billions of people die? Are you sure this the right call?"


The president nodded. "Okay. I trust your judgement, John Phoenix."

Apollo: Some president that is, trusting the judgement of one guy. One guy who killed a bunch of people and doesn't care about human life.

He was about to press the button when suddenly a sword flew out of a presidential suit of armor and pinned his hand to the table!

"Dragon!" growled George Washington. "I should have known you'd try to interfere." John Phoenix possessed another sword and so did John Dragon and the two swords flew around the room and clanged against each other!

Meanwhile the president strained to press the button with his other hand, but it was too far away. Then John Phoenix's sword got the upperhand and knocked John Dragon's to the floor! John Phoenix quickly cut off the president's head and it landed on the desk next to the button.

The president's severed head used the last of its strength to press the button with its tongue! Outside sirens began blaring and holes opened up in the Presidential Lawn and nuclear missiles shot out!

All: ...

Edgeworth: No...just...just no. That is just...I don't even have words for that.

Apollo: I'll say one thing. That was probably the most unnecessary death in this fic. He was going to do the action anyway and even if he couldn't maybe the sword could be possessed to press the button itself.

In Khurain

By the time John Dragon opened his eyes, the bombs were already falling, hundreds of them!

"No! No!"

Everyone ran around dodging nukes, but the king and queen were in stocks so they go blown up. Another nuke landed on top of the palace and shattered the crystal, putting an end to John Dragon's insane ambitions!

Phoenix: It's not exactly easy to dodge nuclear explosions with ease.

Trucy: Maybe they all hid in refrigerators.

Apollo: Why must you make pointless references like that, Trucy?

Trucy: Because it's fun. And it provides some form of enjoyment in this awful fic.

"Look what you've done to my beautiful country!" cried John Dragon. He held his face and wept. John Phoenix did a flying kick to the back of John Dragon's head and sent him flying into the shadow of a falling nuke! It exploded on top of him and left behind nothing but a huge crater.

"Fuck yourself," said John Phoenix.

Trucy: Eh, 1/10. Work on your catchphrases.

Back in Los Angeles

Kristoph Gavin, John Phoenix's uncle, and John Phoenix's cousin were in the defense lobby standing at the window watching the bombs fall.

Phoenix and Trucy: We have names!

Apollo: I'm amazed that the author didn't find some way to tie Mr. Gavin's name to John Phoenix in some way.

Edgeworth: It figures that the author's priorities with names are mixed up.

"Oh no!" cried Phoenix Wright. "If there's a nuclear war, we'll die!"

Edgeworth: Fic-you is certainly bursting with wisdom.

Phoenix: I'm being degraded enough as it is, Edgeworth. I don't need you to make it worse.

"It's okay, daddy, we'll go to heaven," said Trucy.

Suddenly the pope appeared on the lobby TV!

"Hello, this is the pope," said the pope. "As you are no doubt aware, humanity is currently being wiped out by nuclear hellfire. I'd like to tell you that you'll all go to heaven, but that'd be a lie. Suicides can't enter the kingdom of heaven, and nuclear war is nothing more than mankind committing suicide on a mass scale. Mutually assured destruction? More like mutually assured damnation! This is the price man will pay for his hubris. That is all."

Apollo: Gee, the pope is certainly providing a voice of hope and faith in these troubling times.

Edgeworth: Also, it can't be mass suicide if the nuclear war was the result of one person's decision.

A bomb fell through the ceiling of the vatican and vaporized the pope! The image on the TV was replaced with static.

Everybody was very sad. There didn't seem to be anything they could do. But then a very handsome blond man who had entered the room during the pope's address spoke up.

"Hello there," said the man. "My name is Storm Sente. But my real name Sine Sententia. I am a defense attorney from the United Kingdom. But I'm actually a barrister. I am the only defense barrister in the United Kingdom. Why? Because all the others were killed in what has come to been known as the FemCon incident. But that is a story for another day." He pushed up his glasses. "As I do not wish to die or go to hell at this point in time, it seems there is only one course of action: we must charter a plane and evacuate to heaven."

Phoenix: Storm Sente? Another reference?

Speakers: Actually, yes. He's a character from the game "Acquittal: Induction." Unfortunately, the game is stuck in development. However, the main character has been put in some fan games based on Ace Attorney. However, while those fan games are actually pretty good, this caused him to achieve some sort of popularity in the bad fanfic community.

Edgeworth: Of course. Ruin yet another series of video games, why don't you, author?

Apollo: Wonder how many more games will be ruined by the end of this story.

"Huh?" said Phoenix stupidly. "Fly to heaven? But no one can do that." Storm merely chuckled in a logical way.

"Yes you can. At least it should be theoretically possible. As everyone knows, heaven is located in the clouds. Humans have been to space, which is above the clouds, so it stands to reason one could fly to heaven."

Phoenix: "Stupidly?" I'm not sure which one I hate more; being reduced to "John Phoenix's uncle," or being degraded like that on a regular basis.

Apollo: Put me in that situation and I don't think that I'd have an answer.

Phoenix stared, slack jawed as usual. Flying to heaven? Was it even possible? Kristoph laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It's our only chance, Wright," he said. "You don't want your adopted daughter to go to hell do you?"

That decided Phoenix. What was the harm in trying? He took out his cellphone and called Larry.

"After we escaped prison Larry went to get his pilot's license," explained Phoenix. "Only now instead of flying to another country, we'll fly to heaven!"

Edgeworth: The idea of Larry Butz being a pilot should terrify everyone that knows him.

Outside Larry taxied a jumbo jet down the street, dodging the falling bombs and radiation the best he could. He pulled up in front of the courthouse steps and opened the doors.

"C'mon, hurry!" Phoenix and the others rushed inside. Many other people tried to board the plane as well, but Kristoph only let the good people like the Judge and Gumshoe and his family on.

Apollo: In other words, Mr. Gavin shouldn't be getting on the plane.

Edgeworth: But according to this story, Gavin did nothing wrong.

Suddenly there was a slide whistle sound effect! Kristoph Gavin sniffed. "I'd know that sound anywhere... it's a bomb, directly overhead! Hurry, captain, get us out of here!" Larry ran off to the cockpit, and Kristoph closed the doors.

The jet rolled down the street, leaving the desperate crowd behind to get blown up, and then took off at a 85 degree angle!

"Everyone fashion their seat belts," said Captain Larry over the intercom. His co-pilot Spark Brushel flipped some switches.

Trucy: "Fashion their seat belts?" Does that mean all the seat belts look nice?

Apollo: Forget that. Brushel is the co-pilot? I have so many questions and I don't think this fic will ever answer them.

Phoenix strapped in and breathed heavily. He looked out the window at the rapidly shrinking city and clutched the arm rests. Why had he picked the window seat? Trucy patted his hand.

"Do not worry, father," she said. "I'm sure we'll make it to heaven safely. Come, let's read our bibles on the way there." She took their bibles out of her hat.

Trucy: One, I don't talk like that! Two, they should be pulled out of my magic panties!


Edgeworth's quadplane was also flying to heaven, because John Phoenix had the same brilliant idea as Storm. The quadplane wasn't as big as the jet, so only John Phoenix's closest friends in Khurain were onboard.

Edgeworth: And I assume those closest friends are probably too much for the plane to carry realistically but because this is a bad fanfic, the plan can carry almost anyone it wants.

"Great idea as usual, John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "I'm sure God will be delighted with your cleverness." He reached out of the plane to pet a dove but a falling bomb grazed his hand and cut off his fingers! The plane began to fall!

"Oh no! I can't fly this plane with only one hand!" But then suddenly he remembered the tails he grew in his youth. He had been holding his tail in for 25 years, but now he let it rip through his pants and he used it to fly the plane.

"I choose now to live my life without shame."

This is the end of his character arc.

Edgeworth: Well, on one hand, I'm glad that my character won't be given spotlight and be degraded in this story. On the other hand, this is probably the worst possible ending to my character arc I could've imagined.

Phoenix: Just be glad you're out of the limelight, Edgeworth.

Apollo: More than we can say for you, Mr. Wright.

Both the jet and the quadplane were approaching the ozone layer now. A few copycat planes straggled after them, but they were in for a bad surprise. Ask yourself, what is the primary ingredient in rust? That's right, OXYGEN! And what's the ozone layer made out of? Ozone, which is three times more powerful than regular oxygen! The copycat planes immediately began to rust as they passed through the ozone layer. In mere seconds they fell apart and the people inside plummeted to earth.

Our heroes' planes passed through easily, however. John Phoenix and Kristoph Gavin just used psychic powers to create rust-proof bubbles around their planes.

Edgeworth: In other words, there was no point to the copycat planes.

"Look, Professor, it's heaven!" pointed Luke. Above and to the left was a magic hole in the clouds leading to heaven, and to the right, outer space. "Do you think they'll let us in?"

"Ha ha, settle down, Luke," Layton sipped tea, "I'm sure St. Peter will understand our situation." He lifted his hat and took out a dove. "Let's send this dove ahead as a symbol of our peaceful intentions." He threw the bird at heaven, but to everyone's shock the bird was electrocuted by the forcefield!

"What in the world was that?!" asked Edgeworth.

"It's heaven's emergency forcefield!" explained Merlin. "God must have put it up for some reason."

Phoenix: You know what? I almost believe that Professor Layton would do something like that in a situation like this. Almost.

"How do we get past it?"

"We can't, we can't, turn back!"

But John Phoenix silenced him, and then he climbed onto the top wing of the plane and jumped off! Phoenix Wright opened the window of the jet and jumped out too, and they fused together to form Phoenix Phoenix, but John Phoenix knew this fusion wouldn't be enough, so John Phoenix and his uncle fused harder than they had ever fused before and transformed into a gianantic, literal phoenix made of fire, and they pierced the forcefield with their beak!

All: ...

Phoenix: Um...on one hand, I'm glad that I was given a moment where I wasn't completely degraded but on the other hand, this is probably the biggest instance of jumping the shark this fic has done.

Trucy: I wonder how long it'll be before you're degraded again, Daddy.

Apollo: Probably not long.

The forcefield was destroyed and everyone arrived safely in heaven. They parked their planes outside the gates, which were open, and walked down the main street of heaven.

"What the hell happened here?" asked Kyle (he was there by the way). "This place is a dump!"

Then Mia Fey walked out of alley wearing a trash can. She explained how Satan had taken over.

The giant phoenix flew around and ate all the devils and then everyone went to to heaven jail and freed God and Godot and all the other captured angels.

"NOOOOOoooo don't eat me!" cried Satan as Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix held him in a wing and dangled him the air like a worm.

"Eat him, daddy, he deserves it," said Trucy, and Triple Phoenix slurped down the prince of darkness and trapped him in its stomach.

Phoenix: I take it back. THIS is the biggest instance of jumping the shark in this story.

Edgeworth: Wright transforming into a giant phoenix and eating the devil. Also, what will happen once they turn back to normal?

"Good work, John Phoenix and Phoenix Wright, you've saved heaven," said God, but then John Dragon burst through the cloud floor! He picked up Satan's gun and held it to God's head! Everyone gasped!


Apollo: And how exactly did he survive a nuclear explosion? And how was he able to make it to heaven so easily?

Trucy: Plot magic, of course!

Phoenix: This is it. The final chapter. One more chapter before we can leave this story for good!

Edgeworth: This has been a pain to sit through. But I'll give my final thoughts on this story at the very end.

Apollo: We all will. We need to give this story our pure, unfiltered, and honest thoughts. It deserves that much.

Trucy: Are you sure you wanna give a troll story this effort?

Apollo: We need to. It's the only way.

Chapter 31: John Phoenix Vs. John Dragon! The Trial of Phoenix Wright!

(it's actually an epilogue)

Edgeworth: No, an epilogue is a continuation after the end of the story. This is just another chapter. Especially if it's the climactic trial of Wright this fic has been hyping for some time.

Phoenix: Oh good. I can't wait.

"Nobody try anything, or the old man gets it!" snarled John Dragon. His suit was in tatters and his mullet full of twigs.

"Nice bluff, pal, but you can't kill God!" said Kyle. He took a step forward but Merlin stopped him.

"No, don't! That's a devil gun! If he fires it God will be trapped in a bullet forever!"

God remained calm. "Young man, what is the meaning of this?"

Apollo: Well, he isn't wrong. God wouldn't be killed in that case.

"The meaning?" repeated John Dragon. "Isn't obvious? John Phoenix brought a TERRORIST into heaven! His uncle, Phoenix Wright!" The various saints in attendance all gasped!

"Is this true, John Phoenix?" asked God.

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix split back into John Phoenix and Phoenix Wright. Satan's head and torso remained in John Phoenix's stomach, while the legs and arms remained in Phoenix Wright's.

Edgeworth: I know I questioned what would happen when they turned back to normal, but now that we have the explanation, I'm not sure I wanted it.

Trucy: At least they gave it to us?

"No, it's not true," said John Phoenix. "My uncle is not a terrorist."

"OBJECTION" said John Dragon. "But he was indicted on terrorism charges and there's strong evidence to back it up!"

Phoenix: Actually, fic-me was only charged with terrorism, not indicted.

God looked at the uncle and nephew sternly. "John Phoenix, bringing a terrorist into heaven is an unforgivable sin. If the charges are true, then I'll have to cast you and your uncle down into hell forever, even if you did save heaven."

"No!" cried all of John Phoenix's many friends and fans.

Apollo: In other words, nobody cried "No!"

"God, forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn," said Storm Sente, "but the man holding a gun to your head is also, I believe, a terrorist? I'm not sure you should take him at his word."

"Quiet, you," said John Dragon. "I've never been formally accused of anything. Besides, I'm a law abiding citizen, unlike this forging attorney Phoenix Wright!"

Edgeworth: In a situation like this, I don't think formal accusations are necessary.

Phoenix: Also, I was proven innocent of forgery! Even the fic acknowledged this!

God nodded in agreement. "Yes, there's no choice except to put Phoenix Wright on trial." John Dragon lowered his gun and God snapped his fingers and a cross rose out of the ground. Cherubs stripped Phoenix down to his underwear and nailed him to the cross.

"John Phoenix, save him!" cried Trucy.

"Yes, save me!" cried Phoenix as the cherubs replaced his eyelashes with needles.

Phoenix: *bangs head on seat in front of him*

Edgeworth: The image of Wright in his underwear is not something I'd like to be subjected to.


Apollo: To be fair, I don't think there's anything any of us could say that could help you, Mr. Wright.

John Phoenix and his friends followed the cross as the angels carried it to God's courthouse.

In court

The courtroom was made out of clouds, with a cloud floor, cloud walls, and a cloud gallery for the angels and John Phoenix's friends to sit in. There was no ceiling. Phoenix Wright's cross was planted in the middle of the room.

"Go on, John, I believe in you!" said Phoenix as doves pecked at his skin.

Trucy: Wow. This fic sure hates you, Daddy.

Phoenix: We already established that.

Trucy: Yeah but this is just pushing it.

"Court is now in session for the trial of Phoenix Wright," said God.

"The defense is ready, God," said John Phoenix. Storm was his co-counsel.

"The prosecution is also ready," said John Dragon. "I was a prosecutor in the royals courts, so I'm more than qualified."

Edgeworth: And the man who just held a gun to God is just going to be allowed to prosecute this case?

Phoenix: To be fair, Prosecutor Blackquill was a convicted criminal who was allowed to prosecute.

Edgeworth: Apples and oranges, Wright.

[The trial commences and John Phoenix points out that the pen could've been used to fake Phoenix's handwriting.]

"OBJECTION" shouted John Dragon. "You have no proof that pen was used to copy his handwriting."

"But I do... You see, Merlin explained it to me. If you press this button here, on the side..."

He pressed a button and 3-D hologram of Phoenix Wright's name projected out of the pen!

"The pen keeps a record of the last person whose handwriting was copied," continued John Phoenix. "It also stores the name of the last person to use it." He pressed another button, but this time the hologram just said "No one"

John Dragon laughed. "Ha ha! Foolish brother. Your own evidence has proven no one used the pen!"

"OBJECTION. No. You are foolish. The reason is says 'no one' is because NO ONE HELD IT. Instead, it was held by the AIR, and only someone with psychic powers could have used telekinesis on the air... and that some one is YOU, John Dragon!"

Edgeworth: There are other people with psychic powers in this story, you know.

John Dragon bent over his desk sweating and grinding his teeth.

"What's wrong with your rubbishy brother?" asked Storm. "He looks like he's dying to say something." John Phoenix chuckled.

"He's mad because I committed forgery," he whispered. "I used my psychic powers on the pen earlier today and set it to my uncle's handwrighting. The last person to use the pen was actually Juan Paolo, to forge Professor Layton's signature on a check. Dragon knows the evidence is forged, but he can't prove it without incriminating himself!"

Apollo: Hm. This kinda reminds me of my first trial.

Phoenix: ...

Trucy: ...

Edgeworth: Something wrong, Wright?

Phoenix: Oh, no. Let's just...move on.

"Well," said God, "it seems John Dragon is the true terrorist!"

"OBJECTION!" shouted John Dragon. "D-don't be so hasty, Your Highness. Don't forget John Phoenix also has psychic powers. He could have framed his uncle himself, with the ultimate goal of framing ME for the framing of his uncle!"

John Phoenix smirked at this pathetic argument. "That's impossible, Dragon. TAKE THAT!" John Phoenix then did what no one else had ever done in heaven court before: he presented two pieces of evidence at the same time!

"W-what's this?" said John Dragon. Storm folded his arms and smiled. The two evidence strategy was his idea.

Trucy: Hm. John Phoenix actually taking someone else's advice. That's kind of a first. And in the last chapter, too.

The first piece of evidence was the manifesto. "As you can see, it's written in cursive," said John Phoenix. "There's one small problem with my idiotic brother's theory... I CAN'T READ OR WRITE CURSIVE!"

Edgeworth: For a self proclaimed genius, that is quite a flaw for him to have. And that barely qualifies as a flaw in the first place since cursive is barely used in society anymore.

Phoenix: Does ANYONE still use cursive these days?

Apollo: Mr. Gavin used it all the time when I worked for him.

The gallery burst into excited chatter. Edgeworth turned to Trucy. "Is that true?" She nodded.

"Yeah, when I gave him Apollo's letter he started sweating and made me read it."

John Dragon tried to slam his desk, but his hands phased through the clouds, so he threw his shoe at John Phoenix instead. "Damn you, John Phoenix! That's a lie! Do you expect anyone to buy that trash?"

But John Phoenix directed everyone's attention to the second piece of evidence... his report card from school!


Apollo: He just HAPPENED to have his report card with him in court?

Phoenix: Don't you carry your report card anywhere you go?

Apollo: Do you?

Phoenix: No. I was making a joke.

Storm tapped the manifesto. "The only cursive John Phoenix can write is his own signature... barely! Even if my borderline illiterate friend here used the pen, he would only have been able to replicate his uncle's handwriting in print, not cursive, because he isn't familiar with the cursive alphabet!"

"W-well..." John Dragon pulled at his tie and gulped. "I promise you I didn't do anything... maybe there's another psychic who used the pen... Kristoph Gavin, perhaps, ha ha?"

Edgeworth: That would actually be quite the twist if Gavin turned out to still be a villain.

Trucy: That probably won't happen. Because the author apparently likes Mr. Gavin more than Daddy or me. Heck, maybe they'll say I'm the villain.

"Sorry, Dragon," said John Phoenix, "but I have one more piece of evidence, TAKE THAT!" He presented John Dragon's shoe. "There's ink on your shoe, and it matches both the ink in the pen AND the ink on the manifesto!"

"Oh my god! Oh my GOD!" John Dragon addressed the gallery. "There was no ink on my shoe! He just keeps forging evidence right in front of everybody! Somebody STOP him!"

"ENOUGH" roared God. "Dragon, you are clearly just jealous your brother and Storm are better lawyers than you. I find the defendant NOT GUILTY!"

God shot a lightning bolt out of his finger and destroyed the cross! Everyone cheered!

Phoenix: You know, for the final trial, this was actually kind of anticlimactic.

Apollo: But if this was an actual final trial, it would've gone on for much longer.

Phoenix: True.

"As for you, John Dragon," said God, "I am now sure YOU are the REAL terrorist, so I'm sending you to hell!"

John Dragon tore his jacket open and let out the loudest roar ever heard in heaven! The sound waves bounced off the chains anchoring heaven to the sky, and these chains were already under a lot of strain from all the heavy brick buildings that Satan built, so they snapped, and heaven began to fall to Earth!

"Oh my god," said God.

"Look, there's Los Angeles!" said Phoenix Wright stupidly.

Heaven crushed Los Angeles and killed all the WW III survivors, and then it continued to sink thousands of miles into the ground until they reached hell! The clouds burned up in the lava and everyone had to jump to the shore of the burning lake.

Phoenix: Well, there's the climactic part. Still not happy.

Edgeworth: I can't say this is as much shark jumping as before but it's pretty close.

"How will we ever get back to Earth now?" asked Edgeworth, looking up at pinprick of light in the black ceiling, that light being the hole they had made. Everyone huddled up together in fear of the bats and devils flying around.

But John Dragon was too angry to be scared! "Even being in hell is too good for you, John Phoenix! Your soul deserves to be in a bullet!"

Edgeworth: Please do so. This would make the end come so much quicker.

Apollo: And it would be a fitting end for this terrible character.

John Dragon pulled out the devil gun and fired wildly! John Phoenix did a bunch of athletic flips and cartwheels and dodged the gunfire, but suddenly Satan's severed head, revived by the satanic magic in the air, bit John Phoenix's internal organs! Our hero moaned and sunk to his knees!

"Oh no, John Phoenix!" cried Uncle Phoenix. He took a step forward but John Dragon shot at the ground in front of his feet.

Apollo: Oh good. Maybe we'll finally see it happen.

Trucy: I look forward to it!

"Stay back, or I'll kill you too!" Dragon walked over to John Phoenix and aimed at his head. But then John Phoenix's daughter ran out from behind Phoenix and the others and embraced her father.

"No, don't kill papa!" John Phoenix's other daughter ran out and hugged him too.

"W-what's this?" said John Dragon. John Phoenix chuckled and got up weakly.

All: ...

Edgeworth: How...when...why...

Phoenix: Allow me, Edgeworth. Where did this even come from? Where was there any indication that John had kids? Or even had someone he loved enough to have kids with? This just came right the heck out of nowhere!

Apollo: Is the author TRYING to top the ridiculous "villain was actually hero's twin brother" plot twist? Because they might've done it!

Trucy: And they don't even have names!

Edgeworth: I can't. I just can't. I'll just save it for the recap.

"I knew you'd never harm a child, Dragon. That's why I had kids... to use them as human shields!" He picked up his children by the scruffs of the neck and advanced toward his brother.

Trucy: That's a horrible way to treat your own daughters!

Phoenix: But it's something I could see him doing.

John Dragon took a step back. "S-stay back, you crazy person!" He tried to aim at John Phoenix but he kept waving his kids around.

"Go on, kill my kids! Do it! It's for the greater good, isn't it?"

John Dragon took another step back and tumbled into the lava! The gun went flying and sunk to the bottom of the lake.

Apollo: You know, when you get down to it, it's kind of pathetic how the main villain was taken down by a couple of kids.

Trucy: Well those kids had the power of adorableness on their side! Just like me!

Apollo: Keep telling yourself that, Trucy.

"Help me, John Phoenix!" pleaded John Dragon. "I'm sinking!" His brother shrugged.

"What can I do? The lava's too hot."

"Please, do something!"

John Phoenix took out his magic handcuffs and threw them onto his brother's wrists! A lightning bolt struck John Dragon and he disintegrated. Where did he go? Well, normally the cuffs would take you to heaven, but now heaven was in hell, and if you use the cuffs in heaven they send you back to Earth, which is below heaven...

But since heaven was now underground, what was below heaven? That's right, outer space. So now John Dragon was slowly orbiting the earth, just as his brother had predicted.

Edgeworth: Sure. Whatever. Why the heck not at this point.

"The Earth..." thought John Dragon in his last moments. "Oh my god, it's so beautiful... how could such a tiny man as myself have ever hoped to rule over it? John Phoenix was wright to start a nuclear war."

And he shed 1 tear of love for his brother, and for all living things, and then he exploded due to lack of oxygen.

Apollo: But I thought it was impossible to speak in space.

Phoenix: Just don't question it. It gets us out of here faster.

Meanwhile in hell, there was an earthquake!

"Achtung!" cried Klavier (he was there too by the way). "Herr Gott, what is with the shaking?"

"Heaven crashing into hell must have damaged hell's structural integrity," said God. "The roof of hell is going to collapse and bury us under it for eternity!"

John Phoenix vomited Satan's body parts into the lake, and then he assessed the situation. All the angels' wings burned off, so only he and Kristoph could still fly out of hell, and they could carry two people each. John Phoenix was debating who to take with him (he was leaning toward Storm and Edgeworth) when Don and Juan Paolo arrived in their strange flying contraption!

"Need a hand, Layton?" Don Paolo dropped a rope ladder.

Trucy: Deus ex Machina to the rescue!

"What are those two crooks doing here!" cried Luke.

"Ohohoho," laughed the professor, "it seems they decided not be evil anymore. I am glad."

This is the end of Don Paolo's, Juan Paolo's, Luke's, and Layton's character arcs.

Apollo: Character arcs that only lasted, what, two? Three chapters?

Everyone climbed onto the rope ladder. Since the flying machine was so small, John Phoenix forced all the angels and saints to stay behind so he could take his friends with him instead. He let God and St. Peter and Godot and Mia come, though.

Phoenix: I could comment on how stupid this is, but I won't.

Edgeworth: Save it for the end.

Phoenix was on the bottom of the ladder as Don Paolo began to pull it up, but then Maya ran over.

"Nick! Don't leave me! I love you!"

Phoenix was touched, so he held out his hand, but Mia kicked it.

"Phoenix, don't be an idiot. She's actually a terrorist."

"HUh, what?" he asked stupidly. "You're crazy."

"She's right, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. "That's why she lied to me about what was happening in heaven."

"And she told Satan that Godot was in the flackback portal!" added Mia.

Phoenix's eyes hardened and he kicked Maya into the lava lake and she screamed.

"I hate terrorists! I hate you Maya!" Then Don and Juan Paolo flew them out of hell and left everyone else trapped down there forever.

Phoenix: This hatred of Maya brought to you for no reason whatsoever.

Apollo: And while this didn't completely come out of nowhere, it still raises the question of why Miss Fey decided to join the terrorists.

As they flew out of the hole, it expanded and the ruins of LA fell in! Then the cracks in the earth retracted and the hole closed up, leaving behind beautiful verdant fields and forests, basically a second Garden of Eden. Don and Juan Paolo landed their machine and everyone got out.

"Everything's gone," said Phoenix Wright. "We'll have to start all over."

Then Edgeworth said, "Three cheers for my good friend John Phoenix for stopping the terrorists and saving the world, and three cheers for the Paulo brothers for rescuing us!"

Edgeworth: Saved the world? Because it sounded like he destroyed the world to me.

Everyone cheered and clapped for John Phoenix (no one cared about those two other guys). Phoenix Wright clapped, and so did Trucy, and Edgeworth, and John Phoenix's daughters, and Storm Sente, Kristoph, Merlin, God, St. Peter, Kyle, Louie, Godot, Mia, Apollo, Matt Engarde, Shelly de Killer, the Judge, his family, Gumshoe, his son Bobert, Viola, her infant child, Klavier, Larry, Spark, Layton, Luke, Don and Juan, Marvin Grossberg, Franziska, Francesca, Ema, Carlos Flavioli, Ron, Winston Payne and his family, and no one else.

Trucy: No appreciation shown for the people who saved them. How kind of the people in this fic.

Those were the last known people on Earth.

But it was possible that other people survived World War III. They just weren't known.

"Heh... nice job, kid," said Godot, drinking a cup of lava. "I gotta admit, I was worried back there. Just a bit."

"It was easy," said John Phoenix modestly. "I didn't even try."

Phoenix Wright tried to shake his hand, but John Phoenix slapped it away. "Oh, sorry, John, I forgot you don't like to be touched. Anyway, thanks for saving me, and congratulations on your daughters! They sure grew up fast. Wow," he said in sudden realization, "I guess this means I'm a great uncle, huh?"

Phoenix: If only that were shown earlier in the story.

Apollo: At least they're getting addressed now, of all times.

"And I'm an aunt!" said Trucy. "I mean, cousin. Again. But this time once removed!"

"Who's the mother, anyway?" asked Mia. "Or is it mothers?"

"None of your beeswax," said John Phoenix. "That's a private matter. I only fathered them to fight with my brother, anyway."

"But their names?" asked Phoenix.

"There are no names."

Apollo: ...or we just lampshade them like they were just a plot device. Which they basically were.

Trucy: Well it's nothing new.

Suddenly God fell to his knees! Everyone ran over.

"What's wrong, God?" asked Merlin.

"My god powers... they're gone! It must have something to with heaven being destroyed."

It was agreed that since God wasn't god anymore that they should choose a king to rule over Los Angeles. St. Peter handed John Phoenix the crown. Everyone took it for granted that he'd be king.

Edgeworth: Of course. Let the person who destroyed the world become its new king. Only logical.

"Thank you." He placed the crown on Phoenix's head!


Phoenix: Wait...what?!

"I'm too brilliant and perfect to be king," explained John Phoenix. "The people need a more simple minded, rustic person like yourself who can understand their troubles. Besides, my job is being a defense attorney. And Dragon's terrorist friends and Manfred von Robot are still out there... No doubt Morgan protected them from the nukes. There are many more trials to be had!"

Phoenix Wright cried 1 tear. "Thank you, John Phoenix. I promise to be a good king."

Then Merlin used his magic to conjure a long table and enough food for a feast!

Phoenix: Well that's...almost humble. Key word being "almost."

Edgeworth: Too little, too late.

Phoenix: And it doesn't make up for my degrading earlier in the story.

Trucy: Still a nice gesture.

Apollo: I'd beg to differ.


"Looks like everything worked out in the end, wouldn't you say?" asked Storm.

"Of course, not all the mysteries have been solved," said Edgeworth. "Why was Jean Armstrong a zombie? Just who was Buddy Johnson? What is the true nature of Wright's badge? Who made the devil gun? Who is John Phoenix's father?"

Apollo: Well they're bringing up the plotholes they missed earlier. Good for them. Maybe we'll get some ridiculous answers.

Edgeworth: Or they'll just brush them aside like they did before.

John Phoenix yawned. "Oh, I figured that all out ages ago. Frankly I wasn't even aware they were mysteries. You see-" He stopped and shrugged. "Wait, does anyone even want me to explain? It's hard to imagine anyone possibly caring."

Edgeworth: Honestly, if it gets us to the end faster, we don't care.

Trucy: I care! Kinda.

Everyone shook their heads, but then King Phoenix pushed his way to the front.

"What I wanna know, is who the heck my father is!" he said.

"Absolutely no cares about that, Uncle Phoenix," replied John Phoenix.

"He's right, Wright," agreed Edgeworth.

"Hey, I care."

Phoenix: That's right. In this story, they never made it clear who my father was.

Trucy: Hopefully it's someone believable.

John Phoenix rolled his eyes. "Ugh, fine." He scanned his uncle's DNA with his DNA vision. "Your DNA matches up with the man I scanned back in Khurain before heading into battle. Your father is Dr. Hotti."

Phoenix: ...

Trucy:'t that the weird doctor from-


"Ohohohoho..." came a voice. Dr. Hotti popped out from underground. "Hello son."

Phoenix Wright cried many tears. Tears of happiness, because he finally knew his real father.

Then Gumshoe pointed out something flashing in the darkening skies.

"Look, pal, shooting stars!"

"No, detective," said John Phoenix, "those are merely pieces of my brother burning up in the atmosphere."

"Oh... well, it's still beautiful!"

"Indeed, detective. Indeed."

Suddenly John Dragon's pieces used their psychic powers one last time to spell a message with the stars.

Hey, brother. Thanks for showing me the way. I wished I could have met you earlier. Maybe things would have turned out differently. But who knows? Perhaps all of this was just part of our shared destiny, and in the end, we've left the world a better place. Good bye, brother!

John Dragon blew up the stars in a wonderful fireworks show for all the survivors to enjoy.

Edgeworth: Of course. Why not? Why not do something like that?

Klavier proposed to Apollo, even though Apollo was gross and ugly now. That's true love. (It's canon, deal with it, haters)

Apollo: Wait what?! This fic ships me with Prosecutor Gavin?!

Trucy: Well, to be fair, it did kinda start with his first appearance, looking at a photo of you.

Apollo: I still don't like this! And it is definitely NOT CANON!

And John Phoenix sat with Kristoph and Storm and allowed himself to rest for the moment.

For the moment.


All: *sigh*

Edgeworth: Finally, it's over.

[The lights turn on again.]

Phoenix: Well, we just sat through 31 chapters, tearing this fic a new one. Should we give our proper thoughts?

Apollo: Let's. Mr. Edgeworth? Would you like to start?

Edgeworth: Absolutely. This is, without a doubt, one of the worst stories we've seen and sporked here. The writing is awful, the story is nonsensical, and the characters are either out of character, unlikeable, or some combination of the two. If I had to say what the biggest problem with this fic is, it would be John Phoenix himself. He is a Mary Sue, arrogant, does terrible things throughout the story and is treated like the hero for almost no reason other than his name being in the title of the story.

Trucy: And look. If you wanna make an OC in a story, then go for it! But if you're going to try it, then you need to make it good. Give the OC a personality. Give them traits to admire and flaws to relate to. Don't just make them win everything they do and be the best at everything.

Apollo: Another of the major problems with this story is the plotholes coming out of nowhere. Many of the plot points brought up throughout this story are usually nonsensical. Whether it's Mr. Wright's badge being magical, psychic powers, or the weird relations the characters have with each other. And without plot threads, you don't have a good story, I get it. But most of those plot points are either not explained, explained very little, or explained in a ridiculous way. And ridiculousness isn't good writing. It's just dumb.

Phoenix: This is definitely a troll story. There's not a doubt in my mind that it isn't. But I'd like to take a moment to address the author directly, and I know you're reading this. What do you think you're accomplishing by writing a troll fic like this? Do you want attention? Well, congratulations, you have it. But that attention will follow you for the rest of your days on the internet. And it's pretty bad attention. All you're doing by accomplishing this is just saying that you're a troll. Nobody will take you seriously. There are much better stories that people put time and effort into. Those deserve to be taken seriously. This, however, doesn't. It's just a troll story written by someone with way too much time on their hands. It does not deserve any of your time and effort. If anyone else is reading this, do NOT give the author any more attention by looking at their story. We did that for you. *takes a deep breath* That's all I've got.

Trucy: You know, I suppose we can give this story credit for something.

Apollo: What's that?

Trucy: It highlights all the better stories out there! Fics may not always be amazing works, but when they get it right, they can be a lot of fun to read! And this fic just shows how good the other works out there can be!

Edgeworth: I suppose you have a point there. This still doesn't make me feel better about this story.

Phoenix: Let's just get out of here before we have to do another story.

The End
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Excellent spork for a terrible fic. Great job.
One lingering thought fills my mind, burdening me with anxiety...
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Great. Now this guy isn’t just stopping with writing bad stories. Now they see fit to attack better authors like JordanPhoenix by spamming a bunch of BS complaints in their reviews. What the hell does this guy want?
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DJJ680 wrote:
Great. Now this guy isn’t just stopping with writing bad stories. Now they see fit to attack better authors like JordanPhoenix by spamming a bunch of BS complaints in their reviews. What the hell does this guy want?

Ion't wanna get too directly involved in this but what exactly are the "BS" complaints here... They may be the John Phoenix Gang but all the points about Everlasting they've run by me definitely check out and make the story look just genuinely disgusting.

Also I think it's really funny that half of the story might just be haphazard plagiarism lol
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This whole JordanPhoenix debacle is probably the only good thing to come out of John Phoenix and the various trolls. Even so, Dakoolguy and the others seem to relish in using this plagiarism as ways to "prove" that they're supposedly superior. These people seem to be trolls, yet the sheer conviction and determination they possess seem to point to them truly caring about their "ideals". For example, one of their goals is to get John Phoenix in GS7, which is most definitely not going to happen, yet they seem entirely serious on getting him in (to the point where they've even started a petition). They run a decently active forum page that boasts a surprising amount of members, which is quite impressive and baffling for what appears to just be mere trolls.

In fact, these trolls pointing out flaws in other works seems to come out of the intent to come out on top rather than raising legitimate concerns about the quality of writing, the rules, or even the things that are downright wrong. It's absolutely disgusting, and while I detest JordanPhoenix for plagiarizing (for the majority of a 5-year old fanfic, at that), at least she isn't outright making fun of other users and needlessly spamming. They police the site to an absurd degree just so they can say that they're better than everyone else, make petty fanfictions just to spite others, repeatedly ask for their favorite characters such as John and Storm Sente to be featured in others' fanfictions, and spam pointless reviews/fanfics constantly. Whether the John Phoenix gang is truly comprised of trolls or not, this behavior is completely unacceptable. The only people I feel sorry for are the people who aren't wrapped up in this mess, the neutral faction that just wants to express themselves and make a pleasant place to be.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

I’ve been a longtime reviewer and fan of JordanPhoenix’s works. From what I’ve seen in her responses and reviews of other works, she’s a very nice person, too. And I’ll concede that their plagiarism claims are likely valid. As such, I’m forced to rethink my opinion of her. Still, plagiarism or not, JordanPhoenix is a much better author than these trolls ever hope to be. As for the incest claims, that depends on if you view Edgeworth and Franziska’s relationship. Personally, I don’t ship them, but I also see why people do. Besides, if we were to condemn one story that shipped them, we have to condemn all of them. Oh, and for the record, I’m not sporking another story by these guys. It was hard enough sitting through one terrible story of theirs and I’m not giving them any more attention than they deserve.
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

You remember when I said I was done with sporking dakoolguy and John Phoenix? Well that was before I found out that they went even lower with their latest work. Not only does this latest story continue to overglorify a terrible OC in John Phoenix, but it has the nerve to (so far) steal from not one, but two other authors' fanfictions and claim thos authors' OCs as their own. Now, this isn't the first time they've addressed this particular OC, as they made some "response fics" to other stories where John Phoenix is beaten/humiliated or something. And it's one thing to respond to those kinds of stories. But it's another to take their OCs and claim them as their own. This guy is a troll but I can't overlook something like this, especially since they're doing the exact thing they've been criticizing JordanPhoenix for doing. If I could rate this story more than a Dahlia, I would. I know I'm going back on my word here, but I have to address this. So without further ado, I present to you...
John Phoenix Vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking: Part 1

Our sporkers this time include...

:phoenix: Phoenix Wright! "Really? Another story by this guy?"

:apollo: Apollo Justice! "NO! THIS IS A WORLD OF NO!"

:trucy: Trucy Wright! "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???"

:edgeworth: And Miles Edgeworth! "I can't say I'm surprised at this point."

[We open, once again, at the Sporking Theater where the four sporkers enter and take their seats.]

Phoenix: I thought we were gonna get a nice, long break after the last fic.

Apollo: Just as Athena and I can't catch a break from being Trucy's assistant, we can't catch a break from this theater, it seems.

Edgeworth: Especially me.

Trucy: Well...maybe it's a good fic this time.

Speakers: The Management hates to burst Trucy Wright's bubble, but this is the "sequel" to The Adventures of John Phoenix.


Speakers: We are sorry, too. But this needs to be done.

Phoenix: *sigh* Well, last time, fic-me was king, so maybe I'll get some dignity for once.

Edgeworth: Doubtful.

Apollo: Let's hope that this isn't as long as the last story.

Trucy: Don't count on it.

[The lights dim.]

Special thanks to my friend John Phoenix and all fans of John Phoenix

Apollo: Huh. I didn't think that he had FANS.

Edgeworth: And why is the author calling themselves a friend of John Phoenix? He's a fictional character.

Chapter 1: John Phoenix Turns His Head Toward The Phone

Phoenix: Riveting title, right there.

Trucy: Well if that's what happens during this chapter, then it should be the shortest chapter ever!

Apollo: Remember the redundant explanations from the last story? History says this'll be long and painful.

One day John Phoenix was in his uncle's law offices. John Phoenix is Phoenix Wright's nephew. He has a green jacket. He has green pants. His suit is green. John Phoenix has a white shirt. He has no underwear (restrictive, lowers sperm counts). He has black shoes. He has a blue tie. He has a defense attorney badge on his lapel. This badge allows him to practice law.

Edgeworth: Ordinarily, I'd criticize this story for having a redundant explanation, but seeing as this is the first chapter, I suppose we could give this explanation a relative pass. This doesn't excuse the fact that this doesn't need to be spread out into multiple sentences, and underwear doesn't necessarily lower sperm count if it's loose enough.

Phoenix: Why do you know something like that?

Edgeworth: It pays to do research, Wright.

Phoenix: If only that were actually true.

"My Uncle Phoenix is not in the office right now," observed John Phoenix, sitting at the desk in the room surrounded by floors, ceilings, and walls.

Edgeworth: Now this, on the other hand, does not get a pass. We do not need to use a whole paragraph to state this when the author could've simply added that John was alone.

Apollo: Some things never change, it seems.

John Phoenix had a badge on his lapel. It means he is a defense attorney. It means he follows in his uncle's footsteps. John Phoenix's footsteps are bigger and more powerful than his uncle's footsteps, so when he follows his uncle's footsteps he destroys them and replaces them with his own, which are better. He has surpassed his uncle Phoenix in many ways, including all of them.

Phoenix: Ah, I forgot how much I missed the fact that this author hates me and wants their OC to surpass me in every way imaginable. As in I didn't miss it at all.

Trucy: Also, how can someone surpass another in many ways, including all of them?

Edgeworth: I believe it's impossible. In other words, this is a writing mistake by the author. If the author wasn't completely aware of what they were doing and just wrote that in to piss us off.

Apollo: Well I hate to admit it but it's working.

Phoenix: Also, he couldn't surpass me in every way! I have much better hair!

Edgeworth: hold onto that, Wright.

Suddenly the phone started ringing. John Phoenix heard the phone ringing. John Phoenix began turning his head toward the phone.

Apollo: These sentences are pointless. They serve no point to the story. These sentences are redundant and could be replaced with just one sentence combining them all.

Trucy: It's things like this that make me glad that there are much better authors out there that know how to write stuff. I bet you could write something better, Polly!

Apollo: I would if I wasn't busy helping reorganize Khura'in's legal system and helping spork these stupid fanfics.

John Phoenix has black hair. His hair is spiky like his uncle's, except flat instead. John Phoenix has eyebrows. He has brown eyes. He is 5'10" and 178cm at the same time. That means means he is 1 inch taller than his uncle if you use imperial measurements. If you use the metric system he is 2cm taller. The average height for men in the United States is 5 feet 9.5 inches, which means John Phoenix is above average height. Phoenix Wright is shorter than him.

Phoenix: *groan*

Edgeworth: Just another instance of unnecessary writing. Also, it comes completely out of nowhere.

Meanwhile as I was typing that, John Phoenix had turned his head 1/4th of the way towards the phone. As he began to turn his head 1/2th of the way toward the phone, his mind couldn't help but race back to that fateful day when he had gone to court and proved himself in court by winning in court even though he was an apprentice and wasn't allowed to win. The Judge had given him his own badge. The Badge was a heavy burden, because with a Badge comes Professional Ethics, which are stupid and get in the way of his preferred way of doing things. He wondered if this phone call was about an ethics violation. If so, he would have to activate the device he had installed in the phone which made poison gas travel down the phone lines and shoot out of the mouthpiece on the other end. This was an untraceable self defense method he had patented and had already used several times.

Phoenix: he admits to killing several people because he wants to avoid an ethics complaint? Is this guy for real?!

Apollo: He'd probably get along great with Inga and Ga'ran.

Trucy: But that can't be, Polly! The author doesn't acknowledge that anything beyond your incarceration of Mr. Gavin ever happened!

Edgeworth: The author can deny what they want but they still happened, whether they like it or not.

Phoenix: Maybe we should invite Athena in here to spork just to remind them of this fact.

Trucy: Nah. We don't wanna expose Athena to this atrocity.

Suddenly a bird flew by the window outside. John Phoenix couldn't see the bird, because his head was being turned 1/2 of the way to the phone on his desk, so his face was not pointed at the window. However, the bird's shadow flitted across the far wall several times, and, using his peripheral vision, John Phoenix subconsciously observed that the shadow belonged to a chickadee, one of his favorite birds. He liked to feed peanut butter to these birds.

Apollo: One, this is certainly taking a long time to turn a head towards a phone. Two, did we really need to know about this bird thing?

Edgeworth: If it's like the last story, I suppose this will come into the plot later in some contrived, idiotic way.

Apollo: Oh joy. I can't wait for THAT.

"My head is now turned 3/4 of the way toward the phone on my desk," said John Phoenix. Every muscle of his heavily muscled body was alert and tense. He was turning his head with force and determination. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead and was lost in his beautiful eyebrows. His mouth was set in a hard line.

Trucy: Well, I'll say this; I've never seen anyone turn their head towards a phone so dramatically.

Apollo: Absolutely nobody asked for this to be done in a dramatic way.

Finally, John Phoenix succeeded in turning his head 4/4th or 1th of way toward the phone. He nodded; this is what he had planned to do. His hand raised in the air. The hand approached the receiver. A wrist was attached to his hand. On his wrist, there was a watch. This was a wristwatch. John Phoenix's hand picked up the receiver. The ringing continued. This is a plot twist, the first of many in this story.

Edgeworth: *sarcastically* What a twist. And what a series of unnecessary sentences.

Phoenix: Even the last story didn't have this much filler in it! Not in the first couple chapters, at least.

The first plot twist is that the ringing was not coming from the phone on the desk. It was coming from the cellphone in his pocket. John Phoenix reached into his right pocket to take out his cellphone.

Apollo: Wait. WAIT. So not only were those last few paragraphs complete filler, but they were also completely pointless?!

Trucy: Looks like it.

Edgeworth: Unbelievable. You could take out those entire paragraphs, put one or two sentences about hearing the phone ringing and answering it, and nothing would've changed. Just...unbelievable.

In his right pocket he had his cellphone, two quarters, a stick of gum, and Dirt. He took out the cellphone. He put the cellphone next to his head and answered it.

"John Phoenix," said John Phoenix. His shoes were on the floor. He breathed air through his nostrils.

Phoenix: Um...who keeps dirt in their pocket?

Trucy: Apparently John does.

Phoenix: But...why?

Apollo: Maybe it contains the spirit of his dead father or something. We still don't know who he is.

Edgeworth: I suppose the next thing they'll be saying is I'M his father.

Phoenix: Do you REALLY wanna tempt fate like that, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: I don't think the author is smart enough to write in something so idiotic so I think I'm safe.

"This is Phoenix Wright," said the voice over the phone.

"Uncle Phoenix, why are you not in the office?"

"Because I am in court. Do you know why? Because I am defending my client. But I lost. I just lost to Kumar Timalsina."

Apollo: Kumar Timalsina? Who the heck is that?

Speakers: We've done research. Kumar Timalsina is an OC from an author by the name of Camperor. This particular OC is part of a story by him where he is a defense attorney who fled Khura'in during the Ga'ran regime. He is also shipped with Rayfa, as the two of them were childhood friends in the story. And dakoolguy claims that they invented Kumar even though the story featuring him was first uploaded in 2019.

Phoenix: So that means that this author is literally stealing from another author. Class act.

Edgeworth: Tasteless.

Trucy: That's just low.

Apollo: And it doesn't make sense! Kumar was originally a defense attorney but this story implies that he's a prosecutor!

Phoenix: And this author's probably gonnal make Kumar look as terrible as possible.

"!" said John Phoenix, his eyebrows exclaiming in surprise.

Now for the left pocket. John Phoenix had his wallet, money in his wallet, a picture of his mother in his wallet, a library card in his wallet, coins in his wallet, business cards in pocket, his Deputy's badge in his wallet, a gun in his wallet, extra bullets in his wallet for his gun in his wallet, a mechanical pen, dust, paper, and Miscellaneous in his left pocket.

Edgeworth: Because we obviously needed a description of what is in his other pocket.

Apollo: Did this story just say he has "miscellaneous" in his pocket? That's just...lazy!

Trucy: If you're gonna troll your readers, the least you can do is put effort in that trolling!

"How could you lose to someone whose name I don't know?" asked John Phoenix.

"Because," said Uncle Phoenix, "because he is a corrupt attorney. I left a newspaper in the office that will tell you more about the corrupt attorney."

John Phoenix stood up. He walked over to the table. On the table was a newspaper. Light bounced off the paper and entered his eyes, allowing him to see the front page. On the front page was an article about Kumar Timalsina, a corrupt attorney who is said to corrupt evidence and cheat. But there was no proof.

Trucy: Well if there's no proof, then why is the article printing that as if it were a fact?

Apollo: Well Mr. Gavin got away with forgery for years without much suspicion.

"It says here he is a pedophile," said John Phoenix.

"Yes, he a pedophile, along with his friend Detective Natan Ingram," said Phoenix Wright. "But there's no proof. He destroyed the proof because he is corrupt."

Phoenix: Wait, hold on! What do they mean he's a pedophile?!

Edgeworth: I assume it's because he's shipped with Princess Rayfa.

Speakers: That's not possible. Camperor establishes that Kumar is 17 at the time of the fanfic he was originally from.

Phoenix: In other words, there's no problem here. Still, what is it with all these 17 year olds becoming attorneys?

Speakers: Oh yeah, and Natan Ingram is also a character made by Camperor. Also stolen by dakoolguy. Also claimed as their own OC even though he's not.

Edgeworth: Oh joy.

The article said that Kumar Timalsina used to be a defense attorney in Khurain, but there was a national scandal and he and his friend Natan fled the country and came to America.

Uncle Phoenix started crying. "I am sad that I lost the case, John Phoenix."

"Don't be sad, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. "I will expose Kumar Timalsina for being a corrupt attorney who cheats and is a pedophile."

Phoenix: I can't wait. Except I can.

Trucy: Are they gonna elaborate on that national scandal in Khura'in?

Edgeworth: I wouldn't be too hopeful.

"Thanks, John Phoenix. But don't forget there's a birthday party at Hazakura Temple today. It is Maya's 29th birthday."

"Yes. I know that," said John Phoenix. "Maya lives at the temple."

"Yes. The temple is at Eagle Mountain."



Apollo: No.

Phoenix: Wait, wasn't Maya a villain in the last story? How did she come back for this story?

Edgeworth: I assume that'll be explained in some idiotic and contrived way.

Trucy: Just like almost every other plothole in this story.

Suddenly there was a gunshot and the bird from earlier crashed through the window and landed on the desk, dead. John Phoenix's eyes narrowed and he peered out the window. A nondescript car rolled up its window and peeled away.

"That car was not very descript," said John Phoenix, as Uncle Phoenix expressed concern over the phone. John Phoenix hung up.

Edgeworth: Ah, so there was a point to that bird. A very contrived point and a point making no sense, but still a point.

Phoenix: And a car can't be completely nondescript. There should at least be a color to identify the car.

"It must have been made undescript on purpose, so the car couldn't be traced," he said, using logic. Suspecting a hunch, he extracted the bullet from the victim and analyzed the ballistic markings using forensic science. Ballistic markings are like the footprints of a gun.

"How peculiar," said John Phoenix. What was peculiar was that the ballistic markings formed words.


Apollo: Oh, so it's from the readers of this garbage.

John Phoenix added the bullet, the strange message, and the dead bird to his inventory. He left the office to go to Maya's birthday party.

To be continued...

Edgeworth: Adding dead birds to his inventory? Is he asking for an infection?

Phoenix: If it means he's gone from this story, I welcome it.

[The lights turn on.]

Speakers: Get ready for the future chapters, folks. It's gonna be terrible.

Phoenix: I can hardly wait.

Edgeworth: I want to leave.

Apollo: We all do.

Trucy: It could be worse. We could be sporking this with even more people and forcing them to share in this misery.

Apollo: But then this would go on longer because more people would be commenting.

Trucy: Fair point.
To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 2

Phoenix: You know, I can't help but wonder what's going through the author's head as they're writing this stuff.

Edgeworth: We can only imagine, Wright.

Apollo: I don't think I even WANT to know what they're thinking.

Trucy: Well if they're a troll, which they definitely are, they probably think this is all some sort of joke.

Phoenix: Well if it is, it's not a funny joke.

Apollo: The only funny part about this is how much people take this crap seriously.

Edgeworth: Like how we do?

Apollo: ...yes. Like how we do.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 2: Phoenix Wright Talks to His Client in the Defense Lobby

Phoenix: You know, these titles can be a little more creative than just the action that happens during the chapter.

Apollo: Well at least we can actually read the title, unlike other troll fics.

"Hello? John Phoenix?"

Phoenix Wright returned his cellphone to his pocket and turned to his client.

"That was my nephew John Phoenix," explained Phoenix Wright. "I am his uncle. I heard a gunshot over the phone but that is okay. If there was a gunshot it was probably just because he shot someone again."

Phoenix: Wait, why does fic-me care so little about if John shoots someone?

Edgeworth: Knowing his past behavior, I can't say fic-you should be very surprised, Wright.

Phoenix: Does that make it better?

"Okay," said the client. The client was a seven foot tall pro wrestler named Nightwing. He was sculpted like a sculpture of a god from ancient Grease.

Trucy: *sings* Grease is the word, is the word, is the word~

Apollo: We don't need a musical number, Trucy.

Phoenix: His name is Nightwing? You mean the DC character?

Edgeworth: That's most likely a coincidence.

He had spiky black hair, a black mask similar to Zorro's, combat boots, blue spandex, a tank top that said "Pro Wrestler", and a championship belt. But he also had glasses and he was holding a book. These represented the aspects of his personality that involved being nerdy and bookish.

Trucy: *sings* One of these things is not like the others~ One of these things just doesn't belong~

Apollo: Trucy...

Phoenix Wright couldn't help but notice his client looked sad. "Client, you look sad," said Phoenix. "Why is that?"

Phoenix: He has a name. Why is fic-me not calling him Nightwing?

Edgeworth: Also, redundant dialogue.

Apollo: Can't forget about that.

"I am sad," answered the client. "I am sad because I am not innocent."

"No," said Phoenix firmly. "Just because Kumar Timalsina cheated and the judge found you Guilty does not mean you are Not Innocent. Guilty and Not Guilty are different from Innocent and Not Innocent. As long as you didn't commit the crime, you didn't do the crime."

Edgeworth: Well that doesn't mean much if the judge found you guilty. Especially knowing the case of Jeffrey Masters.

Phoenix: Who?

Edgeworth: The man who was found guilty in my father's last trial. He spent eighteen years in prison before finding the true culprit.

Phoenix: Well let's hope it doesn't take that long for Nightwing to be found innocent.

Nightwing suddenly looked down in pain. Tears shimmered behind his glasses and also his mask.

"But that's just it, Mr. Wright," he said. "I do not know if I committed the crime."

"What?" said Phoenix in shock.

Apollo: does something like that happen?

Phoenix: To be fair, there have been more than a few instances where that was the case.

Trucy: ...

Apollo: (Right. THAT case.)

"Do you remember when the prosecutor asked me if I murdered my personal trainer Gary Robertson and I said I wasn't sure? And how the prosecutor said that was proof I did it?"

Phoenix scratched his beard. "Yeah, I remember that. I was going to raise an objection and object to that, but I forgot, so I didn't." Actually, the real reason Phoenix hadn't objected was because he was scared of Kumar Timalsina. Kumar Timalsina was the most corrupt and evil prosecutor of all time. Legend had it that if Kumar Timalsina so much as touched a piece of evidence or even breathed on it, that the evidence would immediately shrivel up and become Corrupted.

Phoenix: One, I don't have a beard. Two, that's not how corruption works. Three, I could think of a few other prosecutors who are more evil than Kumar, even if he actually was evil.

Edgeworth: Wright...

Phoenix: I wasn't gonna say YOU, Edgeworth!

"I also heard a rumor that he is Edgeworth's adopted son even though they are the same age," added Phoenix out loud. Then he realized he had responded to something that he said in his head and not to something Nightwing said, so he urged Nightwing to continue.

Edgeworth: Ugh. Why must I be in this story again?

Trucy: Well, you were one of the survivors in the last story. Makes sense that you'd be here in this one.

Edgeworth: But why would I adopt someone who's my age as my son? If it was before the events of the first story, why did I not mention it before? And if it was after the story, why would I adopt a thirty six year old?

Phoenix: And isn't he seventeen, anyway?

"The reason I didn't know if I killed him," said Nightwing, "is because I have amnesia!"

This is the second plot twist.

Apollo: That's not much of a plot twist if it was resolved in one chapter.

Phoenix: And we didn't need it spelled out to us, even if it was.

Trucy: What a twist!

"That is bad," said Phoenix Wright. "I took your case because I believed you were innocent because you didn't have any psyche locks... but if you had amnesia, then obviously no psyche locks would appear, even if you were guilty, because you wouldn't know if you were guilty. If you had amnesia, you wouldn't have secrets, only amnesia."

Phoenix: Actually, they would have black psyche locks.

Edgeworth: Black psycho locks? What do those mean?

Phoenix: They represent a secret so deep that the person isn't even aware that they were keeping a secret.

Edgeworth: I see...

Apollo: (What the heck are they talking about?)

Phoenix pondered this problem. How could he convince Nightwing he was innocent if he had amnesia? If only his client didn't have amnesia... Wait, that's it! They had to use the magatama on someone who didn't have amnesia! Phoenix handed the magatama to Nightwing and told him to ask him if he was guilty.

"Phoenix Wright, am I guilty?" asked Nightwing.

"No, you are innocent," said Phoenix Wright.

"Nothing happened."

Phoenix took the magatama back in joy. "Then that means I am not lying, and you really didn't commit the murder! Congratulations, Nightwing!"

Phoenix: That's not how the Magatama works!

Apollo: Also, the congratulations is kinda meaningless, seeing as he's going to prison anyway.

"That's a relief," said Nightwing. "As long as my conscience is clear, I think I can stand going to prison. But... Mr. Wright... there's one fact about me you may not know. I am in a stable relationship. Will I be able to continue being in a stable relationship in prison?"

"Yes," said Phoenix Wright. "Many people in stable relationships continue to enjoy healthy stable relationships even after going to prison. You can continue to keep your relationship with your significant other stable after he/she goes to prison by writing letters, sending care packages, or by making approved telephone calls. Additionally, the state of California is one of several states that continues to allow conjugal visits, which are an excellent way for couples to bond both physically and emotionally, and which can help the prisoner retain a sense of normalcy and a connection to the outside world that would otherwise be missing in prison. There is the mistaken belief that all or a high percentage of men or women whose significant others goes to prison cheat on their partners or fall out of love- this is false. In fact, many people find that the forced separation strengthens their relationship with, and their loyalty to, their partner. Furthermore, there are many support groups for men and women whose significant others are serving lengthy prison sentences. These support groups can help people cope, and help them come to terms with their situations by discussing their problems with similarly affected people. There are also many online communities for people in stable relationships with incarcerated partners. You can find out more about these online communities by running a search in your preferred search engine; personally, I used Google for this project, and I easily found several forums that I believe would be a good resource for anyone affected by prison-induced separation. In conclusion, you can have conjugal visits. Conjugal means sex. "

Edgeworth: I'm willing to bet the author just copy-pasted an article defining conjugal visits. And for another thing, in the case of murder, I find it highly unlikely that the prison would allow conjugal visits so easily.

"That is good," said Nightwing. "I value my relationship's stability, and wish to have conjugal visits in prison."

Suddenly a strange voice that sounded like a demonic Mickey Mouse spoke up.

"I'm afraid that there will be no conjugating where you're going, huh hah," said the voice. It was Kumar Timalsina! He and Natan Ingram had just entered the lobby.

Trucy: A demonic Mickey Mouse? That sound both scary and funny.

Phoenix: What kind of thirty-six-but-actually-seventeen-year-old sounds like that?

Kumar Timalsina was 5'7 and weighed 131 pounds. He had blue eyes, black hair, a yellow polo shirt with three strings, sandals with a single lace strap, black leggings, and a brown belt with a buckle. He was 36 years old and had a nonthreatening, disarming smile meant to lower children's guards. He is a pedophile.

Natan Ingram was 5'7 and weighed 131 pounds. He had brown eyes, black hair, a brown v-neck shirt under a leather jacket, flip flops with a single strap, skinny jeans, and a brown belt with a buckle. He was 36 years old and had a nonthreatening, disarming smile meant to lower children's guards. He is a pedophile.

Edgeworth: Not true about the age on both accounts. And as far as we know, Natan Ingram was not accused of pedophilia, and Kumar is a minor so he can't be accused of pedophilia.

Apollo: Is it just me or do those two have very similar appearances?

Edgeworth: I believe the author wants to belittle the characters, and by extension, Camperor as much as possible.

Kumar Timalsina is a prosecutor, and Natan Ingram is a police detective. They are allegedly different people.

Apollo: "Allegedly." That's a laugh.

(A/N: Kumar Timalinsa and Natan Ingram are my original characters I came up with as enemies for John Phoenix, DO NOT STEAL THEM OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO CRITICS UNITED)

Edgeworth: Ah, so that's what the author of this post meant by the author going lower than before.

Speakers: Do we need to put up a sign saying "No Fourth Wall Breaking?"

Edgeworth: Well someone had to bring it up.

Phoenix: Somehow, I don't think Critics United would care. Especially since YOU'RE the one who's stealing the characters.

Kumar pointed his finger at Nightwing sternly. "I'm afraid they do not allow conjugal visits on DEATH ROW, you jerk!"

"Yeah, death row is for dying!" said Natan.

Trucy: Really? I thought death row was for going to sleep.

Apollo: Well it a way.

Phoenix: Wow, Apollo. That's...pretty dark.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot the judge gave you the death penalty," said Phoenix Wright. Nightwing started crying. Phoenix gently took his client's hands in his.

"Nightwing, I've learned something over the years," said Phoenix Wright. "It's something my mentor taught me, but it took me over ten years to learn and to fully understand. The lesson is this. I'm a lawyer, and you're my client. And a client is someone who doesn't cry until the bitter end, not even when they're dead. So promise me you won't cry. Understand?"

Phoenix: Actually it was "the only time a lawyer can cry is when it's all over."

Edgeworth: And I don't think it took Wright that long to understand it.


Kumar Timalsina growled. "Enough! Your promised five minutes with your client have expired." He snapped his fingers and pointed. "Natan, constrain him!"

Natan Ingram pulled out his handcuff gun and shot handcuffs at Nightwing's arms, necks, hands, and feet. Nightwing swayed and crashed down onto the floor like a tree. Natan whistled and some police men came and helped Natan carry the convicted prisoner away. Now it was just Phoenix and Kumar.

Edgeworth: Ah, this must be the first of the ridiculous inventions this fic will provide for us. Joining the ranks of the angel handcuffs, angel gun, several custom guns, and a triplane that somehow can fit at least ten people on it from the last story.

Trucy: At least they're somewhat creative.

"Kumar Timalsina!" said Phoenix. "I know you forged all that evidence! There's no way in HECK that Nightwing would kill Gary Robertson! He was like a son to him!"

Kumar snickered. "How do you know your client is innocent? Because he said so? That's what they all say so. The only thing prosecutors can do is falsify as much evidence as possible so everyone goes to jail. Besides, he has amnesia."

Phoenix: Wait, is he just admitting that he falsifies evidence?

Apollo: That's...not very smart of him.

Edgeworth: I think the author wants to make Kumar look as terrible as possible compared to John.

Trucy: That's just mean!

"Hey wait..." said Phoenix. "He didn't say he had amnesia in court! How did you know that?"

"Ha ha... maybe because I gave the defendant amnesia on purpose after he was arrested? Duh? So your pathetic little magictama wouldn't work?" He smiled like Matt Engarde except more evil. "I've heard a lot about you and your son John Phoenix, Wright. I know how you two operate. I know you don't truly believe in your clients... You only believe in magic, like spirit channeling and magictamas! That's why you gave such a poor performance today."

Phoenix: That's not true! I believe in my clients to the bitter end!

Trucy: Yeah! Daddy woudln't just rely on magic! That's my thing!

Phoenix smiled and pulled out a tape recorder and waved it in Kumar's face. "Ha ha, look, I recorded everything you said! Now you're going to jail- hey, give that back!"

Kumar snatched it and looked it over. "It wasn't on. And you forgot to put a tape in." He threw it back to Phoenix and turned to leave. But he stopped at the door and addressed Phoenix over his shoulder.

Edgeworth: Pointless?

Apollo: Pointless.

"Oh, by the way, Wright, your objection finger is fucked up looking!" he said.

"W-what are you talking about?"

"It's weird and deformed," smiled Kumar, hoping to plant a seed of Corruption that would destroy Phoenix's body image and his self-confidence. "It's a big joke at your expense at the Prosecutor's Office. Whenever you extend your finger in court it's all we can do to keep from laughing. Anyway, bye!" He left.

Phoenix: HEY!

Edgeworth: *smirk*

Phoenix put a bag over his finger, picked up his client's book, and left too. He thought to ask the guards that flank the door if they had heard what Kumar said, but as expected, they were unconscious. Kumar or Natan must have knocked them out as they entered the room.

Apollo: And...when did that happen? And why was it only NOW that Mr. Wright noticed that?

Edgeworth: I don't think fic-Wright is very observant.

As Phoenix Wright jogged down the steps of the courthouse, he grew determined. Determined to go to Maya's birthday party. And to find the truth behind Nightwing's amnesia, and get him a retrial!

Of course, that little trick with the magatama didn't prove anything. He had only done it to reassure his client. But Phoenix was now more convinced than ever of Nightwing's innocence. Amnesia or not, he wasn't the kind of guy to kill someone! Besides, Kumar Timalsina must have given him amnesia for a reason...

"Forgemar Pedosina," murmured Phoenix, "your days are numbered!"

To be continued...

Phoenix: "Forgemar Pedosina?" That's just...stupid.

Edgeworth: Fic-Wright would never resort to childish nicknames for his rivals.

Phoenix: I'm not Godot. Or Prosecutor Gavin. Or Redd White.

[The lights turn on again]

Phoenix: Well, that chapter...almost made me look dignified.

Edgeworth: Indeed. That still doesn't excuse the terrible writing and stealing another author's OCs.

Apollo: It just keeps going and going.

Trucy: With no end in sight, sadly.

Apollo: Oh, it's in sight. It just never seems like you get closer to it.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

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Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking: Part 3

Edgeworth: You know, I can't help but question what we're doing.

Apollo: What do you mean?

Edgeworth: Three of us are key figures in the world of law and here we are, sitting through somebody's terrible OC fanfiction. We could be doing anything else right now.

Phoenix: Well, somebody has to do this.

Trucy: And it's not like I have anything better to do.

Apollo: Of course. Your career isn't much in terms of meaningfulness.

Trucy: HEY!

Speakers: That's enough banter. Let's get started.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 3: John Phoenix Decides He Is Going to Drive

Phoenix: Something something riveting title.

Trucy: What will our so-called hero go through in order to get to this decision?

After putting the dead bird in his pocket, AKA the Court Record, John Phoenix left the office to go to Maya's birthday party. Larry Butz arrived in his car and waved. Larry Butz's defining character traits are owning a car, and driving a car. He is also Phoenix Wright's brother. He is Phoenix's brother because this story is a direct sequel to "The Adventures of John Phoenix".

Edgeworth: The pocket isn't exactly a court record. And Larry's defining traits are more than just owning a car and driving it.

Phoenix: And you don't need to remind me of that STUPID, STUPID plot point from the last story!

You may be wondering how it is possible that this a direct canonical sequel when Maya Fey is not only not evil and not dead, but is also alive and 29 years old? The answer is simple. The Maya Fey that was a terrorist in the first story was actually Evil Maya, Maya's identical evil twin sister. The Maya Fey that Phoenix and his friends knew and interacted with over the years was actually Good Maya pretending to be Evil Maya. It was a Dahlia/Iris situation all over again. The only difference is that Dahlia and Iris were both evil.

All: ...

Apollo: Um...just...what?

Phoenix: That's Even though the "Maya was actually evil" plot point was stupid, you can't just get rid of it altogether! That's just...lazy!

Trucy: And nothing gave us any indication that this could be a twist!

Edgeworth: I swear, this author's writing is getting worse and worse.

The evil Pearl from the first story was also an evil twin sister, Evil Pearl. Good Pearl and Good Maya had been locked in the basement of the Sacred Cavern, where they survived the nuclear war because the Pysche Locks on the door stopped the nuclear explosions from getting in. When John Phoenix went to the cavern after WWIII to look for magatamas, he found Maya and Pearl almost dead in the basement. Thankfully John Phoenix's friend Merlin the wizard used magic to make them almost alive again.

Trucy: "Almost" alive? What does that even mean?

Phoenix: And do you really need to repeat the retcon with Pearls? That's double the laziness.

Trucy: Double the laziness, double the terribleness!

In conclusion, that's why Maya is alive and having a birthday party. If you notice any other apparent discrepancies in this story, rest assured the author is aware of them, because this story is planned, and that the answers are either "evil twins" or possibly "robots" or "magic".

Edgewroth: We'll agree to pretend that's the case when YOU start pretending to be a good writer.

Apollo: Better yet, actually become a good writer.

Phoenix: I think that might be too much to hope for.

"Hello, my nephew John Phoenix," said Larry Butz, getting out and walking over. "I realized in the shower this morning that I am actually your uncle. That's why my brother Nicholas is your mother's brother- because we are related."

"Actually, Larold," replied John Phoenix, "you aren't my uncle. Only Phoenix Wright is my uncle. You are not related to me."

Phoenix: My name's Phoenix. Not Nicholas...

Edgeworth: Forget that. "Larold?" That...what even...

Apollo: Let's just move on, shall we?

"Oh, okay. I thought I was probably wrong." Larry cried a little bit. "Anyway, are you ready for me to use my car to drive you to the temple?"

"Yes," said John Phoenix. "But first I must make a phone call."

John Phoenix took out his cellphone and called someone.

"Hello," said John Phoenix into his phone. "I am calling you."

The cellphone said something into his ear.

"Good bye," said John Phoenix. He hung up.

Trucy: Hooray for needless dialogue!

Phoenix: Why couldn't he have just made the call while they were on the road?

Apollo: More padding, I suppose.

"Like, gee, John Phoenix, who was that?" asked Larry Butz.

"That was my significant other," explained John Phoenix. "Not only am I in a consensual relationship with my adult partner, but our relationship is also stable. What's more, my consensual adult partner is someone known to you; it is someone from our mutual friend group. Can you guess who?"

Edgeworth: Actually, no. I can't guess who. Because based on John's personality, I find it very hard to believe anyone would be in a relationship with him, let alone a stable one.

Phoenix: Harsh, but very true.

"That's cool, John Phoenix, I wonder who it is? Wait, gimme a clue, is it someone who will be at the Maya's birth- GACK"

John Phoenix reached out and started strangling Larry Butz.


Trucy: Geez. That's a huge overreaction to a simple question like that.

Apollo: Also, if he didn't want Larry to ask about his relationship, why did he bring it up in the first place?

Trucy: To make this a shipping story?

Phoenix: I suppose that's as good as any reason. I really feel sorry for whoever's shipped with John.

Edgeworth: Anyone but me. Being shipped with Kay, Franziska, Wright, and several others is bad enough.

He threw Larry to the ground like a dirty rag. Larry coughed and rubbed his neck.

"You broke my neck!" said Larry Butz. "Now, I can't drive my car, because my neck is broken."

"Ah, I did indeed break your neck," said John Phoenix, "but I left your spine intact. This was a deliberate choice on my part. You can still move your arms and legs, so you can drive me to the birthday party."

Apollo: How considerate of him.

Phoenix: Also, John's been shown to be able to drive in the past. Why doesn't he just drive himself to the party?

Trucy: Maybe it's to give Mr. Butz a purpose in this story.

Edgeworth: Even though Larry is an...interesting person, there are more things you can do with him inside a story than have him be John's personal chauffeur.

"Ah, it is indeed true that you left me use of my arms and legs," concurred Larry Butz, "and I think you for that. But one thing you might not know, John Phoenix, is that an important part of driving is having an awareness of everything around you. A driver who keeps their vision locked on the road ahead of them is a poor driver. He/she should constantly check both their side and rear view mirrors; potential dangers on the road can come from any side, so it's important that a driver always remain vigilant. Remember, most accidents can be avoided by driving defensively and by not insisting on the right of way. Even a single alcoholic drink can seriously impair your judgment, your senses, and your ability to drive. Since my neck is broken it would hurt to check my mirrors so I can't drive."

Edgeworth: If this wasn't a badly written story, I'd assume Larry just cheated and looked that information up online.

John Phoenix helped Larry up.

"I see, Larry Butz," said John Phoenix. "Since you can't drive in your current condition, I will drive instead. I may not have a driver's license, but God said people don't need driver's licenses anymore. They can just drive."

God was now the governor (king) of California because Phoenix Wright was fired for being a bad ruler. John Phoenix knew his uncle would get fired. That's why he made him king; so he would be humiliated and learn an important lesson in humility, and so he wouldn't try to move above his station in life ever, ever again.

Phoenix: *groans loudly*

Apollo: Given the pattern here, I can't say I'm surprised about this.

Phoenix: Not helping, Apollo!

"Good idea, John Phoenix," agreed Larry Butz. "I know you haven't driven a car before, but you did ride a motorcycle that one time."

"It was actually several times. And I also raced against Storm Sente."

"Oh, yeah, you're right. Please don't hurt me."

John Phoenix chuckled. "Don't worry, you've been hurt enough for one day. I apologize for breaking your neck, Larry Butz."

Phoenix: Wow. John actually apologizing for something for once. That's a first.

"That's okay, John Phoenix," said Larry. "I deserved it for trying to force you to talk about your love life. That wasn't cool of me."

"Apology accepted," said John Phoenix, and they were associates again.

Phoenix: Aaaaand it's ruined.

Apollo: I think we'll have to get used to that.

Now it was time to go to the birthday party. But before John Phoenix could drive Larry's car, he had to turn it into a RACE CAR! How will John Phoenix turn Larry Butz's car into a race car? Read the next chapter tomorrow to find out!

To be continued...

Edgeworth: ...why does he need to turn Larry's car into a race car? Why can't he just drive the car as it was?

Trucy: Maybe a normal car isn't "cool" enough for him.

Apollo: Egotistical, much?

[The lights turn on again.]

Phoenix: Have I mentioned I hate this story, yet? I hate this story.

Edgeworth: We all do, Wright.

Speakers: Well, since you hate it so much, and since that was a relatively short chapter, how about we make this a double feature and do two chapters?


Speakers: Too bad. We're doing it anyway. We wanna get this crap over with as soon as possible.

All: *groan*

[The lights dim again.]

Chapter 4: John Phoenix Vs. A Representative From The Morix Law Offices

Phoenix: Morix Law Offices? Is that stolen from another author?

Speakers: Indeed. The Morix Law Offices are the subject of a series of stories made by the author digitaldreams0801. And as far as we know, this author hasn't crossed dakoolguy in any way whatsoever. At least with Camperor, there was a bit of a feud before this story was published. So it makes no sense why they'd steal something like this in the first place.

Trucy: Because they're a tasteless troll, obviously.

Edgeworth: Does that make it better?

Trucy: No. Just an explanation.

Where we last left off, John Phoenix was preparing to turn Larry's car into a race car. The first thing John Phoenix did was break the windows with a crowbar. Race cars don't need windows. He left the windshields intact because windshields aren't windows.

Apollo: Actually, racecars have at least one window on them to protect them from potential debris. And windshields are windows.

Trucy: Why do you know this stuff?

Apollo: I watch racing every now and then.

Phoenix: Huh. Never took you as a racing fan.

"Looking good so far, John Phoenix," said Larry, throwing a thumbs up.

"I know," said John Phoenix. Next, he broke the taillights and the headlights. Race cars don't need those. Finally, he welded the doors shut. It was dangerous for a race car to have doors, because the doors could fly open when you were going fast around a curve and you could fly out and die. You could fly out and die because race cars don't have seat belts, because John Phoenix cut them off.

Apollo: And while race cars don't have doors, they most CERTAINLY have seat belts! If anything, they have stronger seat belts than a normal car!

Phoenix: Is it too much to ask that the author actually get facts right?

Edgeworth: Apparently.

"Cool race car, John Phoenix," said Larry, throwing a thumbs up.

"It's not finished yet."

John Phoenix painted the car green, and he painted #1 on both sides of the car because he was number one.

Trucy: Are we sure this guy isn't actually Mr. von Karma's son? It would make perfect sense. No pun intended.

Phoenix: That would explain literally everything about this fanfic.

He also painted the Wright & Co. Law Offices logo on the top of the car. The logo was really cool and it showed John Phoenix holding a Gun in one hand and a Legal Document in the other. This represented the dual nature of John Phoenix's psyche and indeed our very legal system.

Phoenix: Um...that's NOT the logo!

Trucy: Besides, it's the Wright Anything Agency!

Apollo: I'm more surprised that he didn't force Mr. Wright to change it to the "John Phoenix & Co. Law Offices."

Phoenix: Don't give the author ideas, Apollo!

"Good idea turning my vintage Dodge Charger into a race car, John Phoenix," said Larry Butz. "It is a lot better now. Also, I have some stickers we can put on the bumper. I'm running for King next year and-"

John Phoenix interrupted him by slapping the campaign stickers to the ground.

"Don't be an idiot, Larry Butz," said John Phoenix. "Stickers do not belong on race cars. They would simply decrease wind resistance. You put decals on race cars."

John Phoenix slapped on a decal that said "Injured by my driving? Call the Wright and Co. Law Offices for Representation" and another one that said "Honk If John Phoenix Is Better Than You"

Edgeworth: Absolutely nobody would honk their horn.

Now it was time to go to the birthday party. John Phoenix grabbed the roof and slid through the window into the driver's seat. Larry Butz had some trouble due to his broken neck, but eventually he made it into the passenger seat okay. Then John Phoenix peeled out and drove towards the birthday party.

As he drove, his mind went back to the dead bird, and the mysterious message in the ballistic markings. Just who could be seeking revenge on him? Who had he made "suffer"? Could it be one of his brother's colorful terrorist friends, who were all still at large?

Phoenix: The answer to who he made suffer is still the readers of this atrocity.

Could it be the half-wherewholve, half-vampire man?

Manfred von Robot?

Evil Pearl?

Evil Iris (AKA Iris)?

The conductor?

Apollo: Oh right. Those were all characters in the last story.

Trucy: You had to remind yourself of that?

Apollo: Yes. Yes I did. Sadly.

One thing's for sure, thought John Phoenix grimly. Whoever murdered the bird was either driving the car, or was a passenger in the car. They also used a gun. Therefore, whoever shot the bird had to be someone capable of shooting a bird, and driving a car, or at least sitting inside a car.

What's more, whoever was inside the car outside his office at the time of the murder had to be someone capable of being physically present inside the car outside the office at the time of the murder.

Phoenix: Good job. You just narrowed down the list of suspects to anyone on the planet Earth.

He added these fragments of Logic to the Logic Database in his head. He could do this and still drive safely because there weren't many cars on the road. Even though most of the world's survivors moved to Los Angeles after the nuclear war, it was still very underpopulated compared to before.

Edgeworth: ...*twitch*

Phoenix: Um...Edgeworth? Are you okay?

Edgeworth: I'm fine. Just...a little upset at this story. (Hopefully he doesn't start stealing my Logic Chess thing.)

"Observe how the road is now dirt, Larry Butz, and how there are trees on the side of the road," said John Phoenix. "This highway has been reclaimed by Nature."

"Yes, I saw a forest sprite in my backyard yesterday," nodded Larry. "Nature is back in a big way."

Edgeworth: A forest sprite? Those...don't exist.

Trucy: Bad fanfic, remember?

Edgeworth: I'm still struggling to keep my sanity, Trucy. Please let me complain.

Suddenly a sedan pulled out from behind a billboard they just passed and started following John Phoenix's car! John Phoenix frowned and watched the car in the rearview mirror. It was following him very aggressively. It bumped into the back of the race car.

"Ow! Who is this guy, John Phoenix?" asked Larry Butz, rubbing his head, having hit it on the ceiling.

"It's a representative from the Morix Law Offices," explained John Phoenix, speeding up. "I'd recognize that tacky logo on the hood anywhere."

"The Morix Law Offices?" repeated Larry dumbly.

"It's a rival law firm. After the War, all the surviving lawyers in the world moved to Los Angeles. Obviously, there aren't as many cases to go around as before, so these firms are very aggressive in trying to steal business away from each other." He turned the wheel hard against a curve and the tires shrieked. "The Morix Law Offices is perhaps the most evil of all these firms. They have made several attempts on my life, and there are rumors that they forge evidence, witnesses, and even frame clients for murder just to create more cases. They're originally from Khurain, and according to a newspaper article I read earlier today, Morix is where notorious pedophile Kumar Timalsina worked before he became a prosecutor."

Apollo: One, Kumar's still not a pedophile. Two, law offices couldn't have been from Khura'in due to the Defense Culpability Act. Three, I don't think law offices have this big of a rivalry with each other. Not to the point where they chase each other in cars, anyway.

Phoenix: (Why does that seem like something Kristoph would've done, though?)

Meanwhile, the Morix guy leaned out of the tinted windows and started shooting at John Phoenix's car. A bullet whizzed through the rear windshield and John Phoenix barely managed to jerk his head out of the way.

"Larry Butz!" said John Phoenix. "Is your car equipped with any defense mechanisms?"

"Sure," said Larry. "God was on the radio last week saying we can't rely on the police to protect us from all the criminal highway gangs and stuff, so I made a few modifications to my car, heh heh." He pointed at a button. "This baby right here should put the bastard out of commission."

Edgeworth: I find it hard to believe that Larry would be able to make modifications to a car. He's not much of a mechanic.

John Phoenix pressed the button and the trunk popped open. A cinder block on a chain fell out and bounced off the road and crashed through the pursuing car's windshield. It hit the Morix representative and caved his head in. The corpse fell onto the wheel and the car spun out of control and tumbled down an embankment into some murky water, breaking the chain and taking the cinder block with it.

John Phoenix pulled the pin of a grenade with his teeth and threw it down the embankment after the car. This was to blow up any fingerprints or possible clues that could implicate John Phoenix or Larry Butz in the man's death.

Phoenix: And where did he get the grenade from?

Trucy: I think this guy's pockets operate under cartoon logic.

Apollo: I think this entire STORY operates under cartoon logic.

"I wonder what that violent terrorist from the Morix Law Offices was thinking," said John Phoenix, driving away from the explosion. "Attacking me in broad daylight like that was idiotic."

"I gotta admit, that was pretty scary," said Larry Butz. "Thanks for killing that person and making me feel not scared anymore, John Phoenix. I am glad we are associates."

"You are welcome, Larry Butz. I can't help but wonder if this little incident is related to the dead bird in my pocket."

"Dead bird?"

But before John Phoenix could elaborate, a police cruiser started following them with its sirens on!

To be continued...

Edgeworth: Oh good. Perhaps the police will arrest John and this fanfic will be over with.

Phoenix: Doubtful.

Edgeworth: I can still hope, right?

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: Well, at least it wasn't long.

Trucy: Let's hope it stays that way.

Apollo: The shorter the fanfic, the better.

Edgeworth: It would still be nice to have a decently written fanfic but I believe that's too much to ask from a John Phoenix story.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking: Part 4

Edgeworth: Is this the moment of truth? Is this where this abomination of a character is arrested for all that he's done?

Trucy: I doubt it, but you hold onto whatever you want, Mr. Edgeworth.

Apollo: I'm just glad I'm not in this story yet.

Phoenix: Whenever you're in it, I guarantee that you're treated with more dignity than fic-me is.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 5: John Phoenix Shoots a Cop in Self-Defense

Trucy: Whoa! Spoiler alert, author!

Edgeworth: So much for getting my hopes up.

John Phoenix pulled over on the side of the road. The police car following him was very rusty and covered in dents and kept backfiring and bouncing off the road every few feet. It came to a violent stop behind the race car, and the cop got out and walked over to John Phoenix's window.

"Sir, are you aware that I've just pulled you over right now?" asked the cop. John Phoenix couldn't help but notice that this man bore an uncanny resemblance to the pictures of Kumar Timalsina and Natan Ingram he had seen in the newspaper.

Phoenix: Oh man. Is this another one of Camperor's OCs that the author has shamelessly stolen?

The nametag over the officer's badge (cops are required to wear name tags in this new world) identified him as "Irfran Nilgiria".

Apollo: Um...Management? Can we get some background on this guy?

Speakers: Yes, he is another one of Camperor's OCs. Except this one is actually from his Blazblue fanfiction. We haven't read too much into that one but we can only assume that it's treated with the same amount of dignity as Kumar and Natan are.

Edgeworth: In other words, no dignity whatsoever.

Speakers: Exactly. Oh, and we should probably clarify who Natan Ingram is; he's an OC who, in Camperor's story, is a high school student shipped with Trucy Wright.

Trucy: WHAT?!

Phoenix: Who is this guy? WHO?!

Speakers: Look. We never said the character, or the fic he's featured in, was anything special. But at least the character is...original and not stolen.

Trucy: Daddy, please don't hold a grudge against Camperor for this.

Phoenix: I'll try not to.

"Irfran Nilgiria" was 5'7 and weighed 131 pounds. He had black eyes, black hair, a police officer's cap, a black shirt with a black shirt, shoes, black pants, and a belt on his shirt for some reason. He was 36 years old and had a small, creepy smile meant to lower children's guards. He is a pedophile.

Apollo: That's literally the exact description for Kumar and Natan, just with slightly different clothing.

Edgeworth: Considering the descriptions, I wouldn't be surprised if this was actually the author's insert for Camperor.

Phoenix: If that were the case, then they would be going even lower than before. I'm impressed.

"Sir?" repeated the cop.

"Yes, I am aware that I am being illegally detained," replied John Phoenix impatiently. "In case it's not obvious, I am on my way to a birthday party."

Trucy: How would anyone be able to tell that someone who they can't see is on their way to a birthday party?

"Hold it!" said Ifran Nilgiria. "How is this stop illegal? The huge explosion back there clearly illuminated your broken taillights. I was perfectly justified in stopping you."

Phoenix: Yes, the broken taillight was clearly the reason for being stopped. Not the explosion or anything.

"Objection. No. I have immunity from being pulled over." He took out his Deputy's Badge, which prevented him from being pulled over.

Edgeworth: A deputy's badge does not prevent someone from being pulled over.

Apollo: Also, that was the weakest "Objection" ever.

Trucy: You're definitely the expert on being loud, Polly.

"I see now that pulling you over was illegal," said the cop. "I apologize. Now, how about a police escort to that birthday party of yours, John Phoenix?"

"Sure," nodded John Phoenix. "But turn around first."

"Okay, but no fun and business," warned the cop, turning around. John Phoenix pulled out his gun and shot the cop several times in the legs.

All: ...

Phoenix: How...exactly is that supposed to be self defense?

Edgeworth: Perhaps they'll give us a ridiculous explanation shortly.

Trucy: *sings* I shot the sheriff~ But I swear it was in self defense~

Apollo: (Is that really appropriate right now, Trucy?)

Larry Butz was alarmed. "John Phoenix, why? Why did you shoot him?"

"Because, Larry Butz, he knew my name. I didn't introduce myself, so how could that be? He's obviously a terrorist, or at least evil."

Apollo: Really? Given John's "reputation," I think people would be able to easily identify him. Not to mention, the car is kind of a dead giveaway to who's driving it.

Phoenix: And why would he jump to the conclusion that Ifran was a terrorist?

Thankfully, due to John Phoenix's skillful marksmanship, the bullets had avoided hitting any arteries or bones or anything else inside Irfran's legs.

"You are under arrest for shooting me!" said the cop, painfully turning over onto his back. He pulled out a gun but John Phoenix shot it out of his hand.

"No," said John Phoenix. "You have no proof I shot you, because you weren't looking at me." This was true. "Your gun must have gone off accidentally several times in your pocket. The ballistic markings prove it." He threw the autopsy report out the window. Irfran caught it and looked it over.


Phoenix: ...that's all you have to say?

Edgeworth: Nothing more needs to be said.

Trucy: And if Ifran was looking at John while he shot the gun out of his hand, wouldn't THAT be classified as proof?

"It looks like the autopsy report has spoken," said Irfran. "The true culprit was Irfran Nilgiria all along. I suspected as much. You may go now."

All: *facepalm*

John Phoenix turned the race car's engine back on, but before he left, something in the rearview mirror caught his attention. A flock of vultures was attempting to open the police car's trunk and pick the lock with their beaks.

"Why are those birds trying to break into your trunk?" asked John Phoenix.

"Oh, those are vultures. There has been an influx of them into the region lately. One thing you may not know about vultures is that they eat dead bodies. I have a dead body in my trunk that I'm taking to the morgue."

Edgeworth: Except there are special vehicles used to transport bodies. Police cars aren't used for that sort of task!

Apollo: And why would vultures be in LA anyway? Aren't they more suited for a desert climate?

John Phoenix drove the race car (AKA "The John Phoenix") away, leaving Irfran on the ground. Irfran drew himself into a sitting position, and then suddenly there were more lights and sirens, and a police motorcycle arrived on the scene. It was... Highway Patrolsecutor Miles Edgeworth! He had a custom red uniform with a cravat. He had just finished his daily patrol looking for people to prosecute.

Edgeworth: *groan* Oh no...

Trucy: Highway Patrolsecutor? What kind of job is that supposed to be?

"Kumar Timalsina!" barked Edgeworth. "I mean, Natan Ingram! I mean, Irfran Nilgiria! Just what in the world were those gunshots right now? They sounded like gunshots!"

"There was a negligental shooting, sir." Irfran handed Edgeworth the autopsy report. "The ballistic markings tell all." Edgeworth went red and crushed the report in his fist.

"IRFRAAAAAAAAN!" he screamed. "The ballistic markings couldn't have been checked because the bullets are still in your legs! And this autopsy report can't be real because you're not dead!"

Phoenix: Well at least you actually have a brain cell in this fic, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: That hardly helps this situation, Wright.

Apollo: What WOULD help?

Edgeworth: If this fanfiction were destroyed.

Irfran Nilgiria started crying like the pathetic dumbass pedophile he is. He wanted to go arrest John Phoenix for forgery but Edgeworth stopped him.

"What John Phoenix did wasn't forgery, or attempted murder, so much as fully justified self-defense. Besides," continued Edgeworth, "forgery is only illegal in court. Outside court, people are aloud to commit forgery. It is, sadly, an unfortunate indictment of our times, and of the recent restructuring of our legal system by the Bad King Phoenix Wright, whose many bad and incompetent rulings King God has had much trouble trying to untangle, but yes, it is legal to forge official documents and give them to officers of the law."

Phoenix: Ah, can't resist the old bashing of fic-me's dignity, can you, author?

Trucy: At least you were king for a while.

Edgeworth sighed and mounted his motorcycle.

"I used to consider John Phoenix my friend, Irfran," said Edgeworth, unexpectedly opening up to this mentally damaged pedophile with a belt on his shirt. "But he has taken advantage of the current lawlessness of our state to engage in all sorts of unethical legal behavior I used to think beneath him. Just a moment ago I came across Reginald King from the Morix Law Offices. He was in an exploded car at the bottom of an embankment. John Phoenix clearly assassinated him, though of course there's no proof, because any fingerprints or evidence were expertly and methodically destroyed by the explosion. The man who could do something like that... is not the John Phoenix I once knew. And that's why..." He gripped his upper arm and looked away painfully. "That's why I am not attending Mary Fey's birthday party. And that's why I adopted you and Kumar Timalsina as my children. And why I married Natan Ingram."

His eyes hardened and swirled hypnotically.

"John Phoenix must be stopped!"

Edgeworth's tail, protruding from the back of his pants, began to blacken and grow thorns.

To be continued in chapter 6: John Phoenix Goes to a Birthday Party and Eats Cake and Plays Hide and Seek

Trucy: Wow, Mr. Edgeworth! It looks like you've gained your senses and realized that John's a terrible person!

Edgeworth: That's the only bit of compensation for what was otherwise a terrible string of sentences. Why am I married to Natan? Why did I adopt Ifran and Kumar? And why must you bring up the idiotic tail plot point from the last story?!

Phoenix: At least you have more dignity in this story than fic-me.

Edgeworth: Do I?!

Apollo: Eh, it's debatable.

Trucy: What the heck is up with the next chapter's title, though?

Phoenix: The lights haven't turned on...does that mean we're doing another chapter?

Speakers: Yep. The chapters all appear to be of reasonable length so we're doing two per session for the time being.

Edgeworth: Oh joyous of joys.

Chapter 6: John Phoenix Learns About Retinas and Arrives at the Birthday Party and Has a Lot of Fun and Eats Cake and Drinks Milk and Learns About Spirit Channeling and Has Fun and Gets a Present and Gives a Present Too and Plays Hide-And-Seek and Also Something Else Happens but I Can't Say What Because It Would Be a Spoiler Also Only Half of the Things in This Chapter Title Actually Happen in This Chapter and the Rest Happen in the Next Chapter Actually Only the First Two Things Happen All the Ohter Stuff Happens in Chapter 7 Sorry

All: ...

Apollo: So not only is the author stealing from other fanfics, they're also lying about titles.

Edgeworth: It certainly fits this author's M.O..

Finally, at long last, after many trials and hardships, like breaking Larry's neck, building a race car, and forging an autopsy report (in self defense), John Phoenix and Larry Butz arrived at the remote Eagle Mountain for Maya Fey's birthday party.

Edgeworth: Most of those trials were completely unnecessary.

Phoenix: I just realized something; how could he have forged an "autopsy report" that quickly?

Trucy: Magic? That's probably what fixes all the other plot holes in these stories.

As he drove up the winding mountain path, John Phoenix pondered the dead bird in his pocket. Why. Why was it dead. What possible relevance to his life could it have.

All: That's what we wanna know!

He had been planning to hand the bird over to the authorities at his earliest convenience, so they could launch a full scale investigation into its death, but after being pulled over by the Kumar Timalsina lookalike, he had decided to take matters into his own hands. That man was obviously some kind of bad guy. Besides, if a pedophile like Kumar Timalsina was a prosecutor, that means the legal system had failed and couldn't be trusted to produce the right results.

Apollo: He's still not a pedophile!

Edgeworth: Also, John is literally deciding to resort to becoming a vigilante. No wonder fic-me regained his senses and decided to turn against him.

Phoenix: I'm surprised that was the thing that did it in for fic-you.

Trucy: Hopefully all of ourselves in this fic will come to our senses.

Apollo: I doubt that.

John Phoenix was on his own. But maybe not. He caught a glimpse of Larry Butz out of the corner of his eye. Perhaps Larry could be his new sidekick and help him investigate.

Edgeworth: The idea of Larry Butz helping anyone out with an investigation is too terrifying to think about.

Phoenix: Agreed.

"It's been a long passage of time since I last visited Eagle Mountain," said Larry Butz. "I always thought it would have eroded by now, but it's still here. What a beautiful sunset over the trees, the purple shadows, I wish I had my adult crayons with me so I could capture this scene in crayon."

Phoenix: How could a mountain erode in nine years?

Edgeworth: Also, Larry usually works with paint, not crayons. Not that they're any good.

Trucy: I dunno. He showed me some of his latest work and it's actually pretty decent.

Phoenix: Eh, it could be worse, I suppose.

"Be quiet," said John Phoenix. "Investigate my pocket. Examine the dead bird. Look for clues. I performed only a cursory autopsy earlier. It's possible this bird has more secrets."

"Okay, I love to help people investigate, especially my brother's famous nephew John Phoenix." Larry Butz felt in John Phoenix's pocket to look for clues but he let out a yelp and pulled his finger out!

"Ow! Something bit me!"

"That must have been Dirt, my pet ferret," said John Phoenix. "He must be eating the dead bird." He let go of the wheel to transfer Dirt to his other pocket and then put his hands back on the wheel. Larry took out the dead bird and investigated its eyeballs. He made a startling discovery.

Apollo: Wait, THAT'S what that line about dirt being in his pocket was supposed to reference? How the heck were we supposed to figure that out?!

Phoenix: Not sure which is weirder: keeping actual dirt in a pocket or keeping a pet ferret in a pocket.

Trucy: Also, those must be some pretty wide pockets to support a ferret.

"Hey, John Phoenix, there's an image burned into the bird's retinas!" said Larry Butz.

"Of course," said John Phoenix, not taking his eyes of the road. "I learned about this in high school, before I escaped. The last thing a person sees is burned into his retinas forever. I suppose the same thing happens to chickadees. Perhaps the image contains a vital clue."

Apollo: Wait, is that even true?

Edgeworth: Well...yes and no. While that certainly is a real process called optography, to use it to solve a case like this is unrealistic. While scientists have tried to use that as a means to identify killers in the past, especially due to its presence in fictious stories, that method has largely been debunked as a scientific method. Still, even if we were to stretch our suspension of disbelief that this process was legitimate, how exactly would the naked eye be able to detect the negative images used in optography?

Phoenix: Well at least this stupid plot point is somewhat more thought out than others in this story.

Trucy: Um...progress?

Edgeworth: It certainly doesn't feel like progress.

John Phoenix gave a brief recital of the circumstances of the bird's death, and then Larry took out his magnifying glass and examined the image. Larry narrated his observations.

"Let's see... this is all a bit hard to make out, because the image is upside down! I can't understand this!" Larry was sweating in anger and frustration.

Apollo: Based on the explanation, I don't think a magnifying glass would really help examining that.

Trucy: Fictious story, Polly.

"Yes, it is the brain that flips the image on the retina," said John Phoenix with knowledge. "You must rotate the corpse 180 degrees."

Larry Butz flipped the bird and resumed his investigation. "Okay, now... the bird appears to have been looking at the car when it died... oh, there's a person leaning out of the car! And he's holding a gun!"

John Phoenix added the bird's retinas to the court record. Unfortunately the figure was wearing clothes, and gloves, and its hat was obscuring its face, which was completely in shadow as a result.

"Is that useful, John Phoenix?" asked Larry.

"Yes," he replied. "Because I have now uncovered a treasure trove of previously unknown facts. Namely, that the gunman was wearing clothes. They had arms. They were wearing a hat. They had hands, and fingers. We can rule out anyone who doesn't have those things. And I think I just solved the mystery."

Phoenix: Good job. You just ruled out anyone who doesn't have a missing hand. That rules out...very few people. And how the heck did he solve the mystery from THAT?!

Trucy: Maybe in this world, everyone amuptated their hands except for a few people?

Edgeworth: Why would they do that?

Trucy: I dunno. I'm just trying to make sense of all this.

Apollo: Why even bother trying? I stopped doing that in the last story.

Larry Butz was in awe. Not many geniuses could figure out a crime just from looking at a dead bird's retinas and learning that the murderer had a hat, but John Phoenix was not a genius. He was a super genius. Some people even said he had a NASA supercomputer for a brain. Larry desperately wanted to ask who the murderer was, but he could tell that John Phoenix wanted to keep the identity to himself for now, so he held his tongue.

Apollo: Yes, author. Stroke John's already massive ego some more, why don't you? Not like we have an actual plot or anything to get to.

Phoenix: This is nothing new from this author, I suppose.

John Phoenix held a finger to his temple and sent out a telepathic message to his servants Matt Engarde, and Shelly de Killer. He ordered them to find the evidence he needed to convict the murderer. With that done, he continued in silence.

Phoenix: Ugh. Why do we still have to have THEM in this universe?

Finally, they reached the top of the mountain, and John Phoenix parked his car in front of Hazakura Temple. There were many other cars parked there, and Uncle Phoenix's adult tricycle as well, and there was a large group of guests gathered at the front entrance.

Trucy: Adult tricycle? What the heck is that supposed to be?

Phoenix: Probably another attempt by the author to degrade me.

Edgeworth: In other words, nothing new.

Trucy: Still, if you were able to ride a tricycle up a mountain, that definitely says something about your endurace, Daddy!

Phoenix: If only the author could acknowledge that for once.

Maya was there, of course, greeting all the guests, and near her were Pearl and Mia. Uncle Phoenix was there, as was Trucy, and Maya's other friends, like Professor Layton and Luke Triton; Storm Sente and his best friend Argus Hakan, who survived the nuclear war; the King himself, God, and the vice-king St. Peter; the Judge, and Winston Payne...

Trucy: Wow! It's like a reunion from the last fic! But why do I still have to be here?

John Phoenix eyes darted throughout the crowd. Where was his half-brother's half-brother Miles Edgeworth?

Apollo: Half brother's half brother? What?

Edgeworth: *sigh* In the last fic, Morgan Fey was established to be fic-me's mother. And she was also the mother of John Dragon, John Phoenix's half brother.

Phoenix: It's sad that you can remember that.

Edgeworth: I know it is.

He didn't see his quarter-brother, but he did see Kristoph Gavin, Merlin the wizard, Kyle Hyde, Louie, Gumshoe, his son Bobert, Viola, her infant child, Spark Brushel, Don and Juan Paolo, Marvin Grossberg, Franziska von Karma, Francesca von Karma, Ema, Carlos Flavioli, and Ron DeLite.

Phoenix: What? No Godot?

Apollo: I hate the fact that Mr. Gavin is still treated normally even after everything he did.

He also saw Apollo Justice and Klavier in matching tuxedos. They are married. Yes it is canon, yes they are the perfect couple, yes there many hints scattered throughout AA4, and yes, I am right. If you have proof it's not canon, PLEASE, show it to me. Oh, that's right, you won't because you can't. As for proof that it's canon, I presented it during the first John Phoenix story. Apollo might not have any speaking parts during the first story, but actions speak louder than words. And he might not have performed a single action in the previous story but that's because my authorial intent and my lore-justified opinions on canonical ships speak louder than words or actions.

Prove it's not real.

Apollo: ...

Trucy: Um...Polly?

Apollo: Management? Permisson to break the fourth wall to address this part of the story?

Speakers: Permission granted.

Apollo: Okay. *stands up* If the author was simply shipping myself with Prosecutor Gavin, I wouldn't mind so much. I personally don't see myself being shipped with the guy who calls me "Herr Forehead," as a good thing but hey, what do I know? You do you. But to claim that my ship is "canon?" That's just disrespectful. Not only to Prosecutor Gavin and me, but to the other people who don't ship me at all or who ship me with other people like Juniper, Athena, Vera, Ema, and even Clay. As far as I'm concerned, unless it's actually confirmed by Capcom that I would be shipped with Prosecutor Gavin, I refuse to accept it as canon. If you like shipping me with him for your fanfiction, go ahead, but keep it as a fanfiction and do NOT CLAIM THAT IT IS CANON!

[Apollo takes a deep breath and sits back down, the others staring at him stunned.]

Trucy: How come he got permission to break the fourth wall and we didn't?!

Speakers: You never asked.

Phoenix Wright walked over with Maya and greeted John Phoenix and Larry.

"Hi, John Phoenix, thanks for coming to my birthday party!" said Maya.

"And by the way," said Uncle Phoenix, "what was that gunshot over the phone earlier?"

"I'll tell you about it later," said John Phoenix. "We can also talk about how we're getting revenge on Kumar Timalsina later. But for now... where's Miles Edgeworth?"

Phoenix and Maya grew silent. Maya said in a strained voice, "I'm afraid Edgegirth is not coming to my birthday party. This letter came instead, along with his invitation." She handed it to John Phoenix.

Edgeworth: ...why do I get a bad feeling about this letter?

To whom it may concern

I am humbly thankful for your generous invitation to your birthday party, but I am must decline.

In light of my recent adoption of my adult sons Kumar Timalsina and Irfran Nilgiria, as well as my marriage to Natan Ingram, I feel it would be in bad taste to attend your party, as several other people whom I know will be in attendance are enemies of my son Kumar and defame him as a corrupt attorney and/or pedophile.

From now on I am only friends with Kumar Timalsina. I am not friends with PW or JP. My absence from this birthday party is my official break from them, and from our mutual friend group as well.

Miles Edgeworth chooses not to attend Maya Fey's birthday party.

-Miles Edgeworth

To be continued in the next chapter

All: ...

Phoenix: Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: Yes?

Phoenix: I'm sorry.

Edgeworth: Thank you.

[The lights turn on again.]

Edgeworth: I...think I need a break after that one.

Apollo: We all do.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 5

Phoenix: Alright, Edgeworth. You feeling better now?

Edgeworth: I think so. Or at least, well enough to continue with the sporking.

Trucy: That's the spirit!

Apollo: You could say it's the Spirit...of Justice.

Everyone else: ...

Speakers: We're not going to bother with that fourth wall break and instead chastise you for making that terrible pun.

Apollo: I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Geez, guys.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 6: The Seventh Chapter

Trucy: Wait, wasn't this chapter 7? Why the heck is it called Chapter 6: The Seventh Chapter?!

Edgeworth: Because the author is a troll who enjoys making other people angry like this.

The letter had an instantaneous effect on everyone's moods. They became angry and betrayed.

"What the heck, Edgeworth?" cried Larry Butz. "How could my brother's nephew's brother's brother BETRAY us like this?"

"I am angry!" said Maya. "But sad. Also betrayed, I think?"

Phoenix: Um...Maya wouldn't be conflicted with her emotions like that.

Apollo: Also, why is everyone just instantly siding with John? Did they not realize that he is a terrible person?

Edgeworth: I appear to be the only one who realized this in the fic, it seems.

Phoenix: Well at least someone in this fic gets it.

Everyone in that little group felt the same emotions. The angrer. The sadness. The betrayed. But Phoenix also felt ashamed. And he felt the accusing glares of Maya and Larry burning into him. Phoenix was sure that it was his horrible mangling of the state's legal system during his short reign as King, and the following mass chaos and social disruption which followed, that had driven Edgeworth away and had forced him to adopt Kumar Timalsina as his adult son.

Edgeworth: Or maybe it was because fic-me realized that John was a terrible person and decided that he needed to be stopped.

Phoenix: Always attribute everything bad that goes on in this fic to me, why don't you.

Kumar Timalsina. The corrupt attorney.

Phoenix stared poignantly at nothing.

(Who could have ever thought...)

The background faded to black, wiping out everything but Phoenix and his desk.

(That my best friend since kindergarten... )

The background chatter from the guests and the music slowly faded away.

(Would adopt the 36-year-old pedophile...)

An intense close up of Phoenix's face.

(Who used to be my roommate during college!)

Phoenix: Wait, what? Where did this come from? I thought Kumar was originally from Khura'in.

Apollo: Also, Kumar's still not a pedophile.

Phoenix slowly regained his senses and the world faded back in. He looked at John Phoenix's face and his heart panged. Phoenix Wright had been so absorbed in his own selfish feelings for the last seconds that he had totally forgotten to think about John Phoenix. That was inexcusable.

Edgeworth: Actually, it's not inexcusable, as this situation affects fic-Wright just as much as it does John.

Trucy: The author hates Daddy almost as much as they hate everything that happened in Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice.

Speakers: know what? We won't even bother with that one.

After all, mused Uncle Phoenix, John Phoenix had been far closer to Edgeworth than he had. Phoenix could tell from the blank, emotionless expression on John Phoenix's face that he was trying his hardest to hide his emotions, while all the time experiencing more emotions than anyone had ever experienced before in human history.

Phoenix: Um...that's not true at all. I've known Edgeworth since we were both nine years old. Not to mention the fact that John, in this fic, is zero years old, yet ages rapidly. I'm probably one of the closest people to Edgeworth there is.

Edgeworth: Wright, when you put it that way, you're just begging for people to ship us.

Phoenix: ...oops.

Uncle Phoenix's heart went out to his nephew. He wished that he could bridge the gap between them, and offer him some comforting words, but he wasn't sure what to say. But then John Phoenix did something that surprised him- he reached out his arms for a hug!

Cautiously, as though this may be a trap, Phoenix Wright entered the hug, and wrapped his arms around his nephew.

Trucy: Wow! That's actually a heartwarming moment.

Phoenix: Except I'm almost positive the author is going to find some way to ruin it in a few paragraphs.

"Wow, I can't believe John Phoenix is hugging someone," said Maya. "Especially Phoenix Wright of all people."

Phoenix blinked back tears. "John Phoenix, I'm not going to say I know how you feel, but I promise you that we'll get through this abandonment... together."

"That's nice," replied John Phoenix. "Am I sticky?"

Everyone gasped! You see, this wasn't actually a hug, it was a masterfully executed plan to find out if he was sticky.

Phoenix: Yep. Called it.

Apollo: No humanity in this story, ladies and gentlemen.

"What the heck, John Phoenix," whined Uncle Wright, struggling to free himself, but John Phoenix gripped him tighter in his powerful arms as if he were a robotic gorilla. "I thought you wanted a hug!"

"No. Don't be ridiculous, Uncle Phoenix. I merely wanted to know whether my hands were sticky. After touching the letter, the thought entered my head that my hands might be sticky. That is why I am touching you. I am doing that so you can tell me if my hands are sticky."

"But, John Phoenix, your hands are touching my suit, not my skin. I can not tell if you are sticky."

"Yes. Yes you can. You can tell if my hands are sticky."

"Fine, John Phoenix, your hands aren't sticky."

Edgeworth: And to top it all off, this entire exchange is practically pointless.

Everyone else: Yaaaaay.

"Good." John Phoenix released his uncle. "Since I am not sticky, we may enter the temple and begin celebrating Maya Fey's birthday party now."

"Um... okay!" said Maya. "Whew, for a second there I actually thought you were hugging that weird guy. Glad you're not sticky, John Phoenix!"

Phoenix: "That weird guy?" Maya would never call me that!

Edgeworth: Do you consider yourself to be normal, Wright?

Phoenix: Well if anything, she should be called the weird one out of the two of us.

"Yeah, smart thinking!" said Larry, giving a thumbs up. "From now on, let's all touch my brother Nicholas when we're sticky!"

"Objection?" said Phoenix. Everyone pointed and laughed at him, including more guests from the crowd. Maya began leading everyone into the temple for the birthday party. They passed through the main gates and under a banner that said "Welcome to my birthday party My name is Maya Fey I am 29 years old There will be cake". The last ones to enter were Storm Sente and Argus Hakan.

Apollo: Great banner design right there, Miss Fey.

Trucy: I hope the party is fun at least.

"That John Phoenix guy must not care much about his friends!" remarked Argus Hakan with a strong sense of friendship tinged with justice. "He cared more about his hands being sticky than losing his best friend."

Edgeworth: Oh good. Someone else gets it.

Storm Sente pushed up his glasses and chuckled. "I'm afraid that's where your wrong, my best friend Argus Hakan from Hexepta Legal Academy. John Phoenix was actually very upset by the letter. He only pretended to think he was sticky so he could make everyone laugh at Phoenix Wright and take their minds off Edgeworth and Kumar Timalsina. All this... in spite of how he really felt inside."

Storm's went misty-eyed behind his glasses. "It was the bravest, most selfless thing anyone has ever done."

Trucy: ACHOO! Sorry, I'm allergic to bullcrap.

"Wow..." said Argus Hakan. "I guess I misjudged him. This little episode has provided an insightful look in previously unknown aspects of John Phoenix's character that have not been published in newspapers. I feel like I have a greater understanding of who he is as a person now."

The two friends stepped over the threshold and entered the temple.

To be continued in chapter 8 where John Phoenix will finally play hide and seek and drink chocolate milk

Edgeworth: Aaaaand this character is an idiot.

Phoenix: Like everyone else in this story.

Apollo: So...did anything actually happen in that chapter?

Phoenix: Apart from the reactions to the letter, which could've taken up about a half chapter, not much.

Edgeworth: So about half of this chapter was entirely pointless. Good to know.

Trucy: This author loves to pad things out, it seems.

Phoenix: I think we already established that, Trucy.

Chapter 8: Birthday Party 1

A/N: Okay this and the next chapter were originally one part, but I'm splitting it up for easier reading.

Edgeworth: If you really wanted to make it easier for us, you would never have published this story, or the previous one, in the first place.

Trucy: Also, why is it now Chapter 8? Wasn't it chapter 6 last time?

Everyone entered the main hall of Hazakura temple, and they were all blown away by the floorboards, the yellow paper with words on the wall, the recessed candle lighting that cast a soft orange glow over everything, and the giant blue bowl of whipped cream in the middle of the room with a cherry on top and a straw sticking out.

Some other guests who had arrived early were helping set up some last-minute decorations. Dr. Hotti was blowing balloons, and Godot was putting up a banner. But there were some unexpected guests as well. All of John Dragon's terrorist friends from the first story were there!

Phoenix: Oh great. Maybe they'll team up to finally kill John.

Edgeworth: I doubt it.

"What the heck!" said Phoenix Wright. He and John Phoenix took out their pistols but Maya karate-chopped the guns to the floor.

"No, Nick!" she hissed. "Don't kill my guests! I invited them on purpose!"

"Objection!" shouted Phoenix Wright and John Phoenix in unison. The evil terrorists looked up from their cupcake decorating and tittered.

"Hello, Phoenix Wright," said Manfred von Robot, grinning evilly. "So Ms. Fey invited you to her birthday party too, did she? Mraw ha ha hah hah."

John Phoenix glared at the evil robot who had killed his mother. Except he wasn't a robot anymore. Von Robot's mechanical shell had broken down after the war, and now he was just a brain walking around on wooden stilts. He had, however, grown eyes, hair, and teeth, and he was wearing a cravat, his only article of clothing.

Apollo: I'm sure someone like Aura Blackquill would love to take him apart and find out how he works because I'd sure love to do that.

Trucy: I'm not sure I want to know about that, though.

"Maya, how could you!" said Phoenix Wright. "Don't you know Manfred von Karma killed my sister Mary Wright, AKA John Phoenix's mother?"

"AKA my sister too?" said Larry Butz.

"Of course I know," Maya said, putting her arms around Morgan Le Fey and the teacher John Phoenix punched. She looked at Phoenix in distaste. "That's why I invited them, dummy. They're guests, Phoenix! Not party crashers!"

Edgeworth: I find it hard to believe that she'd just invite someone like that to a party.

"But why..."

"This is supposed to be a birthday party of reconciliation. Think about it logically. If we leave them out of stuff and don't invite them to birthday parties, they'll be evil forever and try to kill us again. But if we become friends, we'll achieve world peace. After all, I think there's only like a hundred people in the world left, or something."

Apollo: Couldn't they just, I dunno, put them in prison? It would be a lot easier.

Edgeworth: In what universe is that supposed to be sound logic?

Trucy: In the universe of bad fanfics, Mr. Edgeworth! Duh!

Manfred von Karma cackled. "Yes, you disgusting, horrible wench, we'll be 'friends' indeed! So sorry for killing your mother, John Phoenix, but you see, she was simply in my way, and I had to exterminate her like the Wright vermin she was."

"See, he's sorry," said Maya.

Phoenix: Okay Maya might be kind of naive but even she would pick up on this.

John Phoenix was about to kill him anyway, but Godot walked over wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a cup of coffee crossed out and carrying his son Godot Jr. in a baby carrier. Godot Jr. also had a mask/visor because he had inherited Godot's face disease.

"Hey bro," said Godot. He was straightedge now. "This is supposed to be Maya's special day. Making it about your beef with von Robot and harshing everyone's vibes isn't very bodacious of you."

Phoenix: not even close to how Godot talks.

Apollo: No kidding. I don't know him and even I can tell this is way off.

Trucy: The author must wanna make it so everyone is written out of character.

John Phoenix's steely gaze shifted from one terrorist to the next... Evil Iris, Morgan le Fey, Buddy Johnson, the werewolf vampire, the conductor, the teacher he had punched, the shadowy figure... and Manfred von Karma.

John Phoenix relented... for now. Mostly because he didn't have the angel gun with him because Merlin was still making more bullets. He wanted to trap Manfred's soul in a bullet forever like he deserved.

Edgeworth: Good idea. And better yet, maybe John should be shot with one of those guns too.

Suddenly Trucy pointed at the giant green magatama in the back of the room. "What's that?"

"That is the most treasured of all the Kurain Spirit Channeling artifacts," explained Maya. "It is the Big Magatama. Just being in the same room as it increases spirit channeling ability over tenfold. Perhaps even elevenfold."

Phoenix: I thought it was just a decoration.

Edgeworth: I'm pretty sure it is.

"Can I play with it."

"No," said Maya firmly. "It is a precious artifact to be put on the wall and looked at, not to be touched and played with like a mere toy."

"Wow I wasn't going to break it or anything."

Good Pearl raised a finger and chimed in. "It is said that the Big Magatama contains the soul of Mystic Arnie, the inventor of spirit channeling."

Phoenix: Except the Kurain Village urn is actually supposed to contain Ami Fey's soul. And why the heck is it Arnie Fey?

Apollo: That kinda makes me think of Armie Buff. And the idea of her channeling something is just...weird.

"Mystic Arnie?" repeated Phoenix Wright stupidly. "I thought Mystic Ami invented spirit channeling."

Maya, Mia, and Pearl all gasped! Pearl slapped him across the face hard enough to leave a bloody handprint.

"Ow," said Phoenix. Blood dripped through his fingers into the bowl of whipped cream. "Why."

"Um, because what you just said was really offensive to our religion? Duh?" said Maya. "I mean, you really have to try to be that offensive. I'm pretty sure you did it on purpose?"

Trucy: Hey! Daddy would never offend someone on purpose!

Phoenix: Also, what I had asked was what was actually the truth.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know about all this spirit channeling humbo jumbo?"

Maya's eyes shined with hate and hurt. "Well, maybe during all our years of friendship and investigating you could have stopped being a rich fancy-pants lawyer for two seconds and learned about our culture. Prick."

Phoenix: One, I'm far from a "rich fancy-pants lawyer." That's Edgeworth. Two, I had to learn about Kurain culture in multiple cases of mine.

Edgeworth: Ignoring that remark...

Everyone averted their eyes in embarrassment. Once again, Phoenix Wright was ruining everything for everyone. This event was like a microcosm of his entire life.

Phoenix: They should really change the name of this fic to "Everyone Hates Phoenix Wright." It would make a lot more sense.

Apollo: Do you REALLY want it to be called that, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: No.

"Yeesh," whispered Manfred von Karma to his son. "I'm glad I'm not that guy right now."

"You said it, pops," said Larry.

"Boy, Professor, this Phoenix Wright guy is really dumb!" said Luke Trition really loud for everyone to hear, he was practically screaming it. "I read in a book once that he the smartest lawyer ever, but he's not. John Phoenix is much smarter. I love John Phoenix. Guess that just goes to show not everything you read in books can be trusted, eh Professor?"

"Indeed, my boy," murmured the professor. He pulled his hat over his entire head in shame and walked off. "I'm going to look for puzzles. Let me know when they serve the cake."

John Phoenix shook his head as Mia screamed in Phoenix's face.

To be continued

Phoenix: I hate this fanfic.

Edgeworth: We all do, Wright.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: Why did we have to come back to this author's stories again?

Apollo: Because the Management consists of a bunch of sadists who love watching us suffer.

Speakers: That, and we had to address this author's actions.

Trucy: At least this seems shorter than the last fic.

Edgeworth: Are you sure? It certainly doesn't feel that way.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 6

Phoenix: ...I don't even know what to say anymore. I mean, this story is clearly terrible and it's clearly written by a troll but...there's only so many times that we can say "this is bad," before it just gets old.

Apollo: Well it's not like we can just leave in the middle of the story.

Trucy: Exactly! We've come this far! We can't stop now!

Edgeworth: I actually agree. I would like to see this through to the end. It would say something about us.

Phoenix: I guess so. But watching the representation of me in this fic get spat upon with every single scene he's in is just demoralizing.

Trucy: That's why we're here, Daddy. We'll help you get through it.

Phoenix: Let's just get this over with.

[The lights dim again.]

Chapter 8: The Birthday Continues

Trucy: know what? I won't even comment on the chapter numbers anymore and just say that the title needs some work.

Edgeworth: At least it's an improvement over "John Phoenix Does..."

Continuing where we left off, Mia was shaking Phoenix by the lapels and his tongue was hanging out and his head was flapping everywhere.

"Mystic Ami only founded the Fey Clan spirit channeling cult, Phoenix!" screamed Maya over Mia's shoulder. "She's didn't invent anything! She was just some old hag that lived in a vase. Literally no one cares about her."

Phoenix: Except...that's not even remotely true. According to Kurain tradition, Ami Fey brought over the spirit channeling technique from Khura'in.

Edgeworth: And even if it wasn't true, I don't think it warrants violence as a response from the Fey's.

"I always thought she was the Jesus of spirit channeling," said Phoenix Wright. Pearl slapped him again.

"Mr. Nick!" said Pearl. "How could you!"

"Nick!" said Mia, shaking him harder. "Mystic Arnie is the Jesus of spirit channeling. More of a god, really. Who do you think spirit mediums pray to when they they're trying to channel someone? Mystic Arnie."

"There's a reason we put our hands together in prayer, Mr. Nick," said Pearl. "It's because we're praying to Mystic Arnie."

Apollo: Um...from what I understand about the spirit channeling technique, that's not why they do that. They summon the spirit to their body, not pray to a nonexistant spirit channeling figure. And even if they were to pray to anyone, wouldn't it be the Holy Mother of Khura'in?

Trucy: I don't think the author understands anything about us at all.

Edgeworth: And I understand that in a fanfiction, there are bound to be some sorts of changes to a source material. But if you're going to do that, you have to establish beforehand that this is an AU. We can tell that it is, based on the fact that the world ended, John exists or that Miss Cykes doesn't exist but throwing stuff out like this is really jumping the shark.

Phoenix: Oh, and Mia never called me "Nick."

John Phoenix watched the Fey women abuse Phoenix Wright and he knew what he must do. He started pounding and kicking on the floor and screaming that he wanted a birthday present.

"Of course!" said Maya, forgetting Phoenix, as did Mia and Pearl. "I almost forgot about John Phoenix's present! How selfish of me. Even though it's not his birthday till next month, he deserves one for saving the world, not to mention my life."

All: ...

Phoenix: ...seriously? That is the most immature thing anyone could do at a birthday party.

Apollo: And just how old is he anyway? I thought he aged rapidly.

Edgeworth: I'm just going to say this makes no sense and move on from there.

She handed him a cool black magatama.

"This magatama is better than Phoenix's magatama," explained Maya. "This one is better because it's a lie detector that detects lies. It is better than the green one. It also works in court. Now where were we?"

Phoenix: ...that's literally the exact same thing as my Magatama. How is it better in any way?

"About to blow out the candles, I believe!" said the judge.

"Oh yeah, let's do that."

Everyone clapped. Maya was no longer upset and the party was saved due to John Phoenix's quick thinking.

"Thanks for the save, John Phoenix," whispered Uncle Wright.

"No problem, Uncle Phoenix."

Trucy: You know, it must not be that great of a party if it could've been ruined by something like that.

Phoenix: If anything, John's outburst should've ruined the party more than the girls beating me up.

Everyone sat down around the cake on the circular woven mats on the floor. I'm not going to go over the exact seating arrangements, but everyone was sitting where'd you expect; Maya was sitting with Mia and Pearl, John Phoenix with his uncle and cousin, and the evil terrorists with the evil terrorists.

"Why can't we sit in chairs?" whined Phoenix.

Maya glared at him. "Because spirit mediums are like the Amish. We don't believe in chairs. If you don't like it, leave."

Everyone clapped and Phoenix hung his head in shame.

Phoenix: Except that's not true. Also, another opportunity to spit on my character here. Good job, author.

[Some party shenanigans happen.]

Next Maya opened all her presents. She got many wonderful gifts from her loving friends.

"Wow, cool Gavinners t-shirt!" said Maya. "Thanks, Manfred."

"You're welcome, my dear."

Edgeworth: I have a hard time believing that von Karma would give anyone outside of his family a gift, let alone a gift like that.

Phoenix: I didn't think Maya was even into the Gavinners.

Apollo: And didn't they disband?

"You're welcome, my dear."

Next she opened John Phoenix Games' present. It was a board game based on John Phoenix's life.

"Oh my god, this is so amazing," she said, gushing over all the little player figurines. "Look, there's me!"

"Hey, where's me?" asked Uncle Phoenix, craning his neck. "I'm his uncle, I should be there."

"Hmm, oh?" said John Phoenix Games. "Sorry, there wasn't enough room in the box. We had to include Storm Sente, Argus Hakan, Kristoph Gavin, several different John Phoenix variants, John Phoenix Games, Matt Engarde, HoboSeven, the unnamed prison guard, and John Phoenix's motorcycle."

Phoenix: Wait, what? What the heck is this about? First, who the heck are all these people? "John Phoenix Games?" "HoboSeven?"

Speakers: Those...are some of dakoolguy's biggest "fans." We say "fans," because there's always the possibility that those are just dakoolguy's alternate accounts.

Trucy: Wait, John bothered to put reviewers in his story? That's just...terrible writing!

Edgeworth: Also, half the people in the list of people weren't nearly as important in the last story as Wright was.

Trucy: And me, for that matter! I was accused of murder three times!

Apollo: I'm actually kinda glad I'm not in it.

Phoenix: That's also a terrible birthday present.

"Couldn't you have made the box a little bigger?"

"Nope. Too much cardboard. Production costs would be too high. Sorry. "

Maya set the game aside for now. "We'll play that later," she said. "There's one more present left." She read the tag and groaned. "Ugh, looks like we saved the worst for last. It's from Phoenix Wright. I wonder what it is? A punch in the gut? Mockery of spirit channeling?"

She opened it and it was a Blue Badger step counter.

"What the crap is this," she said.

"I got it when I went to Badger Land last week," replied Phoenix. "I bought it at the arcade. It cost 1000 tickets."

"Ten of those were mine, and 989 were John Phoenix's!" said Trucy. "He's very good at skee ball."

"So 0.1% of this present is yours," said Maya. "Gee, thanks, Nick."

"D-d-don't you like it? I worked really hard on that ticket."

She rolled her eyes and handed it to Pearl.

Phoenix: Oh come on! I'm good enough at arcade games to win more than ONE ticket!

Trucy: Really, Daddy? Cause you seemed to have trouble in the basketball game, the ball drop, skee ball, shooting, racing...

Phoenix: Not bad enough to only warrant one ticket!

"Great present. I totally can't just count my steps in my head. Also, why would I need to, are you calling me FAT."

John Phoenix was forced to diffuse the situation once again by spitting chocolate milk in his uncle's hair. Everyone laughed.

"Thanks, John Phoenix," whispered Uncle Wright.

Phoenix: Yeah, thanks for spitting chocolate milk in my hair.

Edgeworth: I actually think that would constitute and improvement.

Phoenix: Yeah, thanks, Edgeworth. At least it isn't coffee, I suppose.

Apollo: (Just what kind of prosecutor throws coffee at people?)

Now that the presents were open, everyone played party games! John Phoenix won them all.

All: Of course he did.

Once it started getting dark outside, Pearl suggested that everyone cross the bridge to the Inner Temple to play hide and seek.

"Great idea, Pearly!" said Maya.

Manfred von Karma, the teacher John Phoenix punched, Dr. Hotti, and Larry Butz decided to stay behind. Everyone else went to the temple to play. John Phoenix was the seeker. He counted to 100 and then searched for everyone. It was very easy. After he found someone, they went outside. Eventually there were only three hiders left. The first he found was Maya.

"Wow, you are the best seeker ever!"


Next he found Phoenix Wright.

"Heheh, you got me, John, but it took you a long time!"

"No. You were the first person I found. I simply decided not to let you know I'd found you first until later. My purpose was two-fold. One, this would force you to remain crouching in an uncomfortable position in the darkness, thus causing you pain. Two, for every second I didn't find you, your pride in your hiding abilities would grow, a pride you otherwise wouldn't have that I could destroy later for a more satisfying victory."

Phoenix: *bangs his head on the seat in front of him*

"I believe that," said Uncle Phoenix. "Thank you for disabusing me of my false sense of pride, John Phoenix."

The very last person to find was Pearl... but they couldn't find her anywhere in the Inner Temple!

"Where the heck could she be?" asked Maya. "We looked everywhere."

"There's only one possibility," said John Phoenix. "As I am the greatest seeker ever, and I can't find her, she must have left the Inner Temple at some point!"

So they went outside and looked around by the light of the moon, but she wasn't among the guests. Kristoph Gavin walked over.

"You seem distressed, Ms. Fey," he said. "Why though"

"Pearl missing"

"I see" said Kristoph like a hardened park ranger. "I will scout over the forest." He held out his arms like Super Man and flew off over the treeline.

Apollo: Wait, Mr. Gavin can fly in this fic?!

Trucy: I think the last fic established that he had psychic powers or something.

Apollo: Oh right. That. (The idea that he has psychic powers is too scary to think about, though.)

John Phoenix went to investigate on his own. He talked to the judge, Merlin, and St. Peter by the bridge. They said Pearl had crossed it a while ago ago.

On the other side of the bridge, John Phoenix questioned Godot, the conductor, and John Phoenix Games. They said they had just seen Pearl walk down the path to Heavenly Hall carrying a sack over her shoulder.

"How long ago was this?" asked John Phoenix.

"Five minutes ago, my dude," replied Godot.

John Phoenix went after her. As he was walking he heard a rustling and saw a shadowy figure in the bushes. It was Miles Edgeworth!

"Oh, John Phoenix, is that you?" he asked, stumbling over.

"What are you doing here, you troll?"

"I'm not sure." He rubbed the back of his head. "I believe I am suffering from amnesia!"

"Good." John Phoenix pushed him back into the bushes and continued on his way. He entered Heavenly Hall and saw three things.

Edgeworth: Don't tell me fic-me goes back to worshiping John like a saint because of the amnesia.

Phoenix: Also, why would he just push him back in the bushes?

One, a sack on the ground with potatoes spilling out.

Two, an empty fireplace, which had been installed recently.

Three, Pearl's body with a knife sticking out! Also she had a bullethole in her head.

Trucy: NO! How dare they kill Pearly!

Apollo: At least she's spared from the rest of this fic.

John Phoenix called Gumshoe and he arrived in about thirty seconds, which made sense since he was at the party. He investigated for a few seconds and then handcuffed John Phoenix.

"Okay, pal, I'm arresting you now."


"Because... your fingerprints are on the murder weapon, pal!" he roared. "And those guests said they saw you follow Pearl here!"

He threw John Phoenix into the trunk and drove to the precinct, leaving fellow detective Mike Meekins in charge of the crime scene. Maya cried as she watched the car leave.

Apollo: Good. We could use something like that happening.

Edgeworth: Indeed. Except why is Officer Meekins now a detective? He has to be one of the least competent officers in the police.

Phoenix: Knowing this author, why didn't they just bring back Bobby Fulbright or something?

"Boo hoo, my cousin is dead!" she cried. "And John Phoenix did it!"

"IMPOSSIBLE JOHN PHOENIX IS A SAINT" said Larry Butz in capital letters.

"Yes, brother Larry, very true," said Phoenix Wright. "I will defend him and find the TRUTH!"

To be continued in the next chapter! John Phoenix goes to court (finally)!

Phoenix: Aha, John is anything but a saint. I think we've established that multiple times.

Apollo: Also, I'm willing to bet that we don't go to court in the next chapter.

Phoenix: Well, at least something happened to John that made him no longer invincible.

Edgeworth: I doubt he'll learn anything from the experience, though.

Trucy: That chapter actually seemed longer than usual.

Apollo: You sure that's the case? Cause it could be that it just seems longer due to the terrible writing.

Edgeworth: Perhaps this next chapter will give us an idea.

Chapter 8: John Phoenix Doesn't Actually Go to Court in This Chapter I Lied Sorry

Apollo: Called it.

The next day, Phoenix and Maya went to the detention center to visit John Phoenix. He was being charged with murdering Pearl and also murdering the dead bird they found in his pocket.

Edgeworth: One, murdering a bird, is not a crime in and of itself. Two, redundant explanation.

"Don't worry, John Phoenix, I'll defend you," said Uncle Phoenix. "I know you must be feeling scared and lonely right now. I know, because I've been in your position myself once. You can rely on me. But you didn't do it, right?"

Phoenix: Actually, I've been in that position three times.

Apollo: You must have some serious bad luck, Mr. Wright.

Trucy: Also, something tells me John won't feel any sort of negative emotion right now.

Shamefully, Phoenix Wright realized he was looking for a reaction from the magatama. Maybe he really did only believe in his clients if the magic green thing told him to. Well, not this time! He would solve this case without magic, and prove Kumar Timalsina wrong.

Phoenix: One, that's not how I do things. Two, what does Kumar have to do with this?

Edgeworth: Perhaps the author simply wanted a chance to take a shot at Camperor's OC.

"Never mind!" he screamed, leaping out of his chair. "Don't answer that! I believe in you, John Phoenix."

"Yeah, no way you would kill Pearl, not without a motive!" said Maya.

Apollo: I love how that's the thing that Miss Fey jumps to when saying John didn't do it.

Trucy: Wasn't she saying he did it at the end of the last chapter, too? What changed her mind?

John Phoenix yawned. "Well, to be frank, Uncle Phoenix, after the fiasco that was your short tenure as king, I'm not comfortable with trusting my defense to you. But I will temporarily request your services so you can investigate the crime scene."

John Phoenix gave Uncle Phoenix an official legal-looking piece of paper and the black magatama.

Phoenix: Hey! Even if fic-me was a terrible king, that doesn't mean he's a terrible defense attorney!

Edgeworth: Where exactly did he get that legal document? Was he just carrying it around with him the whole time?

Trucy: Maybe he got it from my magic panties!


"I would stage an escape and investigate myself," explained John Phoenix, "but these shackles are neutralizing my psychic powers. Apparently, Merlin made them at the request of Miles Edgeworth, in case I ever turned evil. Ha... it seems our 'friend' Miles's betrayal was a long time in the making."

Edgeworth: Perhaps fic-me was sane for longer than we realized.

Phoenix: Also, that's not so much "betrayal," as it is "taking necessary precautions."

Phoenix clenched his fists in anger. "I can't believe I thought he had changed..." he said bitterly. "He's still a black-hearted fiend, just like von Karma."

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: *opens his mouth to say something*

Edgeworth: Not...a word, Wright.

"Don't take it too hard, Nick," said Maya. "After all, this isn't the first time this has happened. Remember how you used to be best friends with Kumar Timal-"

"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT MAYA" screamed Phoenix leaning over her. She cowered in her seat and John Phoenix fell asleep because he was bored.

Phoenix: Actually, please do talk about that. I really wanna know how I'm supposed to be friends with him. It seems like a major plot point.

Apollo: Knowing this author's track record, I'm sure it'll be revealed in one of the last chapters.

Trucy: At least they're consistent with their writing?

Apollo: Consistently terrible.

Anyway, they went back to Eagle Mountain to investigate. Phoenix presented the piece of paper and Gumshoe unlocked the door to the Heavenly Hall and them in. As soon as they stepped inside Phoenix got hit the face by flapping wings.

"Pfft, paw!" He spat out feathers. "What the heck"

Vultures were flying in a circle near the ceiling! Gumshoe opened a window and ran around the room with a broom over his head and chased them out.

"Gumshoe, how did those birds get in?" asked Maya.

"Probably through the chimney, pal." He banged the window shut.

Trucy: What is it with this story and vultures? This is, what, the third time they've shown up?

Edgeworth: Perhaps the author has a newfound fascination with vultures randomly popping up and serving no purpose to the story.

Phoenix looked around the room. The body had been removed and replaced with a white tape outline. The sack of potatoes was still there, just as John Phoenix had described it.

(My nephew has very keen perceptive powers,) thought Phoenix. (Even though there was a dead body, he was able to take stock of everything else in the room. He is truly a genius. Unlike Apollo. That guy needs a magic bracelet just to cheat so he can notice a guy's sweaty armpits. God, I'm glad I fired him.)

Apollo: Gee, thanks for that, author. I really needed that boost in self-esteem.

Phoenix: Yeah, talk to me when you've been humiliated every other chapter. Then you'll understand my pain.

Edgeworth: Also, I hardly call noticing one sack of potatoes equating to having keen perceptive powers.

"Ohohoho, I don't envy you this time, pal," said Gumshoe. "They say the legendary Kumar Timalsina is prosecuting this one! Payne was gonna do it, but Edgeworth personally intervened and got his son the job."

"Great..." muttered Phoenix. "Just what I needed more of in my life, Pissboy Fuckersina. I still haven't gotten a retrial for the last case that guy cheated on."

"Word downtown is that now that Kumar's bested the uncle, he wants to best the nephew!" said Gumshoe. "And c'mon pal, don't be such a sore loser. Mr. Edgeworth wouldn't adopt a prosecutor who cheats. C'mon. Besides," he chuckled, "this case is already a slam dunk. There'd be no point in forging any more evidence."

Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe would never forge evidence or cover up the forging of evidence.

Trucy: Into the OOC pile, you go!

"You mean the fingerprints on the knife?" asked Maya.

"Yeah. And that's not all. The victim... er, I mean, your daughter..." He rubbed the back of his head. "My condolences, by the way, Maya. Anyway, not only was she stabbed, she was also shot. And guess where the bullet came from? That's right, pal, John Phoenix's gun! That's two pieces of evidence that directly tie him to the crime!"

Phoenix: Wait, is this fic saying that Pearls is my daughter?!

Edgeworth: I believe so.

Phoenix: Um...I already have a daughter.

Trucy: Though having Pearly as a sister would be pretty neat.

Apollo: (Maybe she could help keep Trucy's antics in check.)

"Hold it!" cried Phoenix. "Me and John Phoenix just left our guns lying on the floor, anyone could have picked his up and used it!"

"No, you hold it, pal!" said Gumshoe. "'Anyone' includes John Phoenix! He just picked his gun back up!"

"Ahem... I concede that's a possibility."

"It's a good thing we're not in court right now," said Maya, "or else the judge would have given you a penalty for that stupid objection."

"First off, Maya, I don't appreciate that. Second, it was just a hold it, not an objection, so I wouldn't be penalized. Probably. Anyway," he moved on, "just because his prints were on both murder weapons doesn't mean he did it!"

Apollo: Hey now, author! We're the ones pointing out the problems in this story, not you!

"We also got witnesses, pal," said Gumshoe. "Lots of 'em! One group saw Pearl leave the Inner Temple, and the second group saw her go down the path to this shack. A little while later, they saw John Phoenix go after her. They didn't see anyone else, pal! It's gotta be him."

Edgeworth: That isn't much of a case to bring someone to court, even if I wish to see John pay for his crimes.

(There's one other person it could be...) thought Phoenix. (But I'd better not say anything for now.)

"Oh, I do have one bit of good news, though," said Gumshoe. "We cleared John of murdering the bird. The security cameras at the Gatewater Apartments across the street caught it all on film. The shot came from a car while John Phoenix was in the office. And we figured something out, pal. The killer was wearing a hat. We figure-"

"John Phoenix already deduced that ages ago," replied Phoenix.

Apollo: Then...why was it brought up?

Trucy: More filler, probably.

"Yeah, give us something new," said Maya. "Like all the evidence for the case. Don't hold out on us."

"Okay, sure, it's over there," he pointed to a table against the wall, one of the few pieces of furniture in the room. On the table was all the evidence for the case.

Phoenix: Wow. Gumshoe never gave us the evidence this easily in our actual cases.

Edgeworth: Perhaps fic-Gumshoe will get a salary review soon.

"Hmm, what's this?" Phoenix was looking at the Blue Badger step counter.

"That's a pedometer, pal. We found it in the victim's pocket."

(Huh, that's right, Maya gave it to Pearl. Looks like it recorded all the steps Pearl took that night.)

"Ohohoho, pedometer, ohohoho," laughed Gumshoe. "It must detect when pedophiles are around. Pretty nifty if you're trying to avoid Natan Nilgiria and Irfran Ingram, ohohohoho- HEY!" he roared. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING PAL!"

Apollo: That's not their names and they still aren't pedophiles.

Phoenix: Also, fic-me gave Maya that pedometer. Why would I need to ask what it was?

Maya screamed and dropped the knife and the handkerchief she had been using to wipe the handle.


"Um..." said Maya. "Don't mind little old me. I was just polishing the fingerprints so they'd be nice and shiny. Heh heh."

"Oh, thanks, pal. But you should know those are just reproductions of the real evidence. The real evidence is downtown."

Edgeworth: One, even Gumshoe wouldn't buy something as ridiculous as that. Two, why would he have been upset in the first place if they were just reproductions? Three, why would there be reproductions of the evidence at the crime scene?


Phoenix added all the evidence to the court record.

"Thanks, detective."

"You're welcome, pal. It doesn't look good for John, but I'm sure that if he killed her it was because she deserved it. Oh," he added, "and don't even think about talking to any of the witnesses, pal! Kumar hates magic and spirit mediums. We can't have you intimidating them, or casting funky spells on them to manipulate their behavior in court."

Apollo: I love how Kumar hates spirit mediums despite coming from Khura'in, the literal home of spirit mediums.

"Hey, we don't do that!" said Maya. "Where are they anyway?"

"In Edgeworth's apartment," he said. "They're being held captive until after the trial. So ya can't see 'em, sorry!"

Edgeworth: I believe that's illegal.

Phoenix: When has that ever stopped the author from putting something like this in their stories?

Edgeworth: Never. Still doesn't hurt to point it out.

"Can we at least have the autopsy report?" asked Phoenix.

"Sure, pal, here you go."

(I'll look over this later,) thought Phoenix.

Just then Edgeworth and Kumar Timalsina entered the room!

"Tsk tsk, running your mouth to the enemy again, detective?" asked Edgeworth with a sardonic smile. "I'm afraid that's another salary cut for you." Edgeworth checked a paper. "Hmm, it looks like you make negative money now. Pay me 1000$ dollars by tomorrow or you're fired." Gumshoe gulped.

Trucy: Geez, Mr. Edgeworth. That's just cruel.

Edgeworth: I may be a little...hard on the detective's salary but I'm not that hard.

Phoenix glared hatefully at Edgeworth and Kumar Timalsina.

"What are you doing here, Edgeworth?" he said.

"Heh, can't have you mucking up my son's crime scene, Wright. John Phoenix is guilty, and I don't intend to allow anyone to interfere with proper procedure. I don't want there to be so much as a whisper that this case was mishandled in any way."

"Yes, sad news for you, boy," said Kumar. "Your son's legacy is about to be dragged through the mud by me, Kumar! After my perfect trial, I'll have defeated both my rival and my other rival! The evidence is all falling into place, and I am using glue to make sure it stays there. And the witnesses are so perfect it's almost like they're forged! I am the god of all prosecutors! For I am not a mortal man! I am the next Dhurke of Khurain! Grahahaha!"

Apollo: ...

Trucy: Um...Polly?

Apollo: Author, you do NOT disrespect Dhurke. He was a great man and a better man than your so-called OC would ever be.

Phoenix: (Geez. I don't think I've ever heard Apollo so angry without shouting.)

"Settle down, Kumar," said Edgeworth.

"How could you, Edgeworth?" said Maya. "You and John Phoenix were friends!"

"I am only friends with Kumar Timalsina. Not a young upstart who proudly flouts the law and thinks he's allowed to kill anyone he wants! He's a menace to society, as are you, Wright, because you passed all those laws just to keep him out of trouble."

Phoenix: Well if that was the case, then perhaps fic-me really was a terrible king.

Edgeworth: Then if fic-Wright was protecting John, then why is John calling him a terrible king?

"What happened to your amnesia, anyway?" asked Phoenix. "John Phoenix mentioned that."

"I got over it," said Edgeworth. "It turned out that I had amnesia about having amnesia. I didn't have amnesia, I just thought I did. Now kindly leave my son's crime scene."

Apollo: Um...that makes absolutely no sense.

Phoenix and Maya walked back up the path from Heavenly Hall.

"Damn that Kumar Timalsina!" growled Phoenix. "I'd love to kick his ass. Huh, Maya?"

She had started crying.

"Oh, it's nothing," she sobbed. "It's just... I was finally putting my life together. Evil Maya was finally dead and I didn't have to pretend to be her anymore. I was free. But then all this happened. Poor Pearl."

"Maya, I promise I'll find the bastard that did this and make him pay," promised Phoenix. "You can count on me."

"But who could it be? About half the population of Los Angeles was at the party. It could be anyone."

"Oh, not anyone," said Phoenix. "I have a pretty good idea who it was."

"Really? Who?"

"The only other person John Phoenix saw near the crime scene... Miles Edgeworth."

Phoenix left Maya at the temple and hurried back to the office to get ready for the trial.

To be continued

Edgeworth: much for having my senses in this story.

[The lights turn on.]

Apollo: I think you're right, Trucy. These chapters are starting to get longer as they go on.

Edgeworth: That's not a trend I like to see in a fic such as this one.

Phoenix: Hopefully this won't be too much longer.

Trucy: I'm not holding my breath, Daddy. And neither should you.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 7

Phoenix: It’s certainly been some time since the last one. We still doing this?

Speakers: Look. We were on vacation for the past few days and really wanted a break from all this.

Apollo: Oh, so while you guys enjoy some time off, we’re stuck here, reading this stupid crap?

Speakers: Not our fault this happened to coincide with the sporking.

Edgeworth: In any case, there’s no point bickering about this. Let’s just start the story so we can get this over with.

Trucy: Agreed!

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 9: John Phoenix Goes to Church

Trucy: Wait, chapter number inconsistency aside, I thought this was the start of the trial, not a church service.

Phoenix: The author is aware of this and they should feel bad for being aware of this.

The day of the trial had finally arrived. The turnout at the courthouse was huge; everyone in the world had come to watch the proceedings. This trial, the life-or-death trial of the most famous celebrity in the world, promised not only to be a trial, but also the trial of the century, and of space and time.

Apollo: If you really think that, then I have to introduce you to the trial in which Mr. Wright and I literally dethroned the queen of Khura’in.

Edgeworth: Also, how exactly is a defense attorney supposed to be a world famous celebrity? That sounds ridiculous.

In the defense lobby, all of John Phoenix's friends and family were there to wish him luck. Merlin the wizard... God... Carlos Flavioli... they were all there. Except Matt Engarde, Shelly de Killer, Storm Sente, Argus Haken, and Carlous Flavioli, who were all on secret missions.

Phoenix: We’re not gonna bother mentioning what those secret missions are. Probably because we didn’t think of them right away but I’m sure we will before the end of the story.

Apollo: Wait, they mentioned Carlos Flavioli twice. How is that even possible?

Trucy: Can’t you read, Polly? They said Carlos Flavioli was at the trial but CARLOUS Flavioli wasn’t!

Apollo: Riiiight. Of course. It’s clearly not just a mistake by the author. There’s complete detail and backstory given to this character that we’ve never seen or heard of before.

Edgeworth: It wouldn’t be the first time this author has done something like this.

It was taken for granted that John Phoenix would be found innocent, so the whole thing was being treated as a social event. Godot was grilling up burgers, there was a miniature swimming pool and picnic tables, and a pinata shaped like Edgeworth that John Phoenix beating to death with a stick. Maggots and cockroaches fell out. This was a metaphor.

Edgeworth: I’ve seen more subtlety from Larry Butz than from this story.

Apollo: How did they get all that stuff to fit in the courthouse?

"Are you ready for the trial, John Phoenix?" asked Uncle Phoenix. He was wearing a blue suit made out of construction paper and a cardboard tie. His original suit burned up in hell so he wore this now.

Phoenix: Um...I have more than one suit, you know!

Trucy: Wait, you do?

Yes, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. His suit was better. "But first, I must rip up this piece of paper that makes you my lawyer." He ripped it. "That was close. Now I can go to trial. You may be my co-counsel, Uncle Phoenix."

"It would be an honor, John Phoenix." Uncle Phoenix is the man John Phoenix respects most in the world.

Phoenix: Somehow, I doubt that.

A voice sounded over the PA system. "The trial of John Phoenix will begin in two seconds. John Phoenix to the courtroom, please."

Trucy: Wow. Never knew they announced trials literally seconds before they began.

Apollo: They don’t.

"Be careful, John Phoenix," said Mia. She folded her arms and frowned. "I may be dead, but I know about Kumar Timalsina. I know that he was an intern at the Mia Fey Law Office. I know that he was best friends with Mia's apprentice Phoenix Wright. After Redd White murdered Mia with the glass lamp stand shaped like The Thinker, Phoenix, Kumar Timalsina, and my sister Maya Fey who is a spirit medium who has black hair who has purple pants who's from Kurain Village worked many cases together."

"The trial of John Phoenix will begin in one second," said the voice.

All: ...

Edgeworth: Alright. Time to do another list about what’s wrong with this scene. One, Kumar was never an intern with Miss Fey, nor did he ever work with Wright. Two, even if he did all that stuff, we never got a connection between Wright and Kumar in the first place. This is just an exposition dump. In other words, show, don’t tell, author. Especially since it was established that Kumar was originally from Khura’in. If you expect us to believe this information about Kumar to be fact, then show us. Three, why is Miss Fey suddenly referring to herself in the third person in the middle of a dialogue paragraph? There is no reason for her to do this. Four, why is she describing Maya Fey? John knows who she is. This is completely unnecessary. And five, HOW DID SHE SAY ALL THIS IN ONE SECOND?!

Everyone else: ...

Phoenix: Um...ditto.

Mia's eyes darted to the clock shaped like The Thinker on the wall and she spoke even more urgently than before. "I watched them solve cases on TV in heaven. At the time, I was proud that my apprentice Phoenix Wright was solving so many cases. But now, I am afraid that Kumar Timalsina might have forged the evidence in all of Phoenix's trials, and that my apprentice Phoenix Wright used the forged evidence accidentally. It's possible that all the defendants in all of my apprentice Phoenix Wright's cases were actually guilty all along."

Edgeworth: Once again, show, don’t tell, author. If you want to establish all this as a thing that happened, then take the time to establish it. Even a flashback to this happening would be acceptable enough. As it stands, this is bad writing and bad storytelling.

Phoenix: Also, insulting to me!

"That thought..." Phoenix whispered, "...has been haunting me for the last ten years. But there were cases where Kumar never touched the evidence, John. I can promise you that. He never touched the evidence. Because-"

"Shut up," snapped Mia. "You're wasting precious time. There's only one second till John Phoenix's trial." She turned to John Phoenix and smiled. "Anyway Johnny sweetie, watch out in there. Poomar Timalsemen has an ax to grind with you and your family, and mine too. He's going to do everything he can to win. Including forgery and being a pedophile."

Apollo: Still not a pedophile!

Trucy: And how did she say all this without a second having passed?

Apollo: Clearly time slows down immensely in this universe. Remember the impossibly slow moving bullets?

Godot strolled over with a plate of burgers. "Hey, kids, what's shaking?" He glanced at up at the clock. "Huh, only a second until John Phoenix's trial. Going over the game plan?"

"Kumar Timalsina," said Mia.

"He was my best friend before I died," said Godot. "Heh... 'died'... I should say murdered, by that evil bitch Iris Hawthorne! I remember it like it was yesterday..."

Phoenix: Um...what? When did this happen?


"So you wanted to have a chat with me, Mr. Godot?" asked Dahlia sweetly.

"Yeah, I've had my eye on you for a while now," I said. We were surrounded by law books and people reading books. This was the district court's legal library; we were in a recess during the trial of Terry Fawles.

"Oh? And why's that?" Her eyelids bespoke danger.

"Because..." I slammed my coffee cup on my desk. "You stole the Hawthorne diamond and jumped off that bridge! Admit it!"

Dahlia hissed and body slammed me to the floor. She took a bottle of poison out of her breasts and forced it down my throat! I struggled underneath her but she was too powerful. She made me eat every last drop of poison and then hid my dead body under the rug.

"Now to get rid of this evidence," she said. She had to because it was covered in her fingerprints. Dahlia went to the other side of the library while I was in a coma under the rug and she ran into a couple of college kids, Kumar Timalsina and Phoenix Wright. She seduced Phoenix with her bottle while Kumar chuckled and shook his head. Even though I was under a rug, I could tell Kumar Timalsina was one cool cat who always got the ladies.

Anyway, Kumar came over to where I was in a coma and took a book off the shelf. He tripped over the rug and found my corpse. The guy called 911 and helped me into the ambulance machine.

He saved my life. We became friends and he visited me every day in the hospital.

"Hey, Godot, living hard or hardly living?" quipped Kumar, skateboarding into the room. He was wearing a varsity jacket and had cool sunglasses.

"Heh... Kumar Timalsina..." I chuckled weakly from my cot. "Isn't it sad that your visits are the highlight of my day?"

"Almost as sad as my best friend Phoenix Wright dating Dahlia Hawthorne," said Kumar seriously.

"That bitch is trouble, Kumar," I warned. Godot hates women. "She's using Phoenix for something. I won't be surprised if she tries to kill him next."

"The boy is head over heels in love, Godot. He spends all the time fawning over her. He's even stopped coming to football practice."

"That wimp plays football?" I asked, surprised.

"No way! He is a combination waterboy/mascot. He wears a monkey suit and people throw bananas at him."

"I sure as hell hope Miss Mia can find that Terry Fawles cat innocent of murdering me," I said. "And figures out Dahlia's the one that did me in. Or tried to, at least."

Kumar sat down next to the bed. "So, what do the doctors say?"

"It's bad. I've actually gotten sicker since coming to the hospital."

"Ain't that horrible?" Kumar opened his backpack and took out a bag of sugar. "Here, let Kumar relieve your diseases."

I smiled as he began spooning sugar into my mouth. This was something of a daily ritual between us. Unfortunately, I slipped back into a coma and died, and by the time I came back to life, Iris Hawthorne had killed again, Mia was gone, and Kumar was overseas.


Phoenix: Um...actually, Dahlia was the one responsible for all that. Iris didn’t kill anyone.

Apollo: Also, how did Mr. Armando go in and out of his coma?

Trucy: And he doesn’t hate women.

Edgeworth: And while this was showing something, it’s out of place, unnecessary, and still doesn’t establish anything about Kumar other than he was friends with Wright.

Phoenix: Also, I’m not much of a football mascot.

"Anyway that's my story," he said. "Kumar Timalsina was the light in my life during those weeks in the hospital. He gave me reason to keep fighting." He smashed his plate against the floor. "That's why I can't believe he's a pedophile!"

"It's possible he was the one who murdered you," broke in John Phoenix. Everyone gasped.

"W-what?" sputtered Godot.

John Phoenix tapped his head. "Think about it logically. You got progressively worse during your stay at the hospital. Why? Probably because the 'sugar' Kumar Timalsina was feeding you actually poison. Dahlia may have poisoned you first... but Kumar Timalsina finished the job!"

Edgeworth: Except he never died from the poison. He awoke as Godot, and he was incarcerated for the murder of Misty Fey.

Phoenix: In other words, the author has more explaining to do.

Apollo: Not that they’ll ever explain it.

Trucy: Some things never change!

"I think you're right, John Phoenix!" said Mia. "Almost 20 years later, and you found the true solution to the case easily. You are a genius."

"Yes," said Uncle Phoenix.

"Yes," said Maya.

"Yes," said Pearl.

"Yes," said Trucy.

"Yes," said God.

"Yes," said Merlin.

"Yes," said Kristoph.

Edgeworth: No.

"Kumar killed me?" said Godot. He looked dazed. "But he was my friend. Why?"

"Perhaps he was working with Dahlia," said John Phoenix. "Or maybe he had some other reason to silence you."

"The trial of John Phoenix will begin in two seconds," said the PA system.

"Oh no!" cried Uncle Phoenix. "Hurry, John Phoenix, to the courtroom!"

Everyone ran out of the defense lobby.

Trucy: Wait the timer went up?

Apollo: I’m not even gonna question it at this point.


A man stood in a room while wearing a hat.

"Everything is going according to plan..."

To be continued?

Edgeworth: How vague.

Phoenix: Well we’re finally in court again. How well will this go?

Edgeworth: About as well as the last time we went to court with this OC.

Apollo: So...not at all well.

Chapter 8: The Trial of Trudy Wright

Trucy: Hey wait! One, my names spelled wrong! Two, I’m not the one on trial!

Apollo: And the terrible titles continue.

The judge made a gavel sound effect.

Phoenix: Just the sound effect. He didn’t actually bang the gavel.

Court is now in session for the trial of John Phoenix."

"The prosecution is ready, Your Highness," said Kumar Timalsina. His father Edgeworth patted him on the shoulder.

"The prosecutor is a pedophile," said John Phoenix. Scattered cheers from the audience.

"Objection!" cried Edgeworth. "That is hardly here or now. May I remind the court that it is you, John Phoenix, who are on trial here, not little Kumar?"

"Objection not sustained," said the judge. "John Phoenix is allowed to have an opinion. Only raise good objections from now on, prosecution."

Apollo: Still not a-

Trucy: Dead horse, Polly.

Edgeworth: In what universe is that not a valid objection? That was wasting time of the court and slander.

Phoenix sprung up. "I have an objection, Your Honor! The prosecution sucks eggs!"

Edgeworth slammed his fist down on the table. "Objection! I... We... I mean... the prosecution does not suck eggs!"

"Objection! Yes you do!" Phoenix turned to the gallery. "Back in elementary school, his mother used to pack an egg for him to suck on every day at lunch. We all called him Eggy-Wedgy."

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: *stifles a laugh*

"Lies! Damnable lies!"

The gaze of the audience volleyed back and forth as they watched these two masters of law duke it out. The judge called for order and penalized Edgeworth for raising frivolous objections and unnecessarily prolonging the trial. John Phoenix and Uncle Phoenix high-fived.

"Great job, Nick!" cried Maya from the gallery.

"Yeah, nice lawyering, man!" said Larry, throwing a thumbs up. He was wearing a shirt that said "Free John Phoenix or I'm bombing this court".

Phoenix: Wow. A shred of dignity given to fic-me. I'm almost impressed.

"Go to hell, Edgeworth!" St. Peter threw a beer can at him. The audience booed.

Edgeworth held his upper arm like John Wayne at the end of The Searchers and looked away with a pained expression. Then he regained his composure and smirked. "I see that Wright is intent on making a mockery of the legal system with his usual antics," he said. He threw out his hands. "Hmph. Did anyone expect anything else? Let's just move on with the trial. My son would like to make an opening statement."

The Judge nodded. "Proceed."

"Ahem..." said Kumar. He read from a prepared document. "Today the prosecution will prove beyond a shadow of doubt that John Phoenix killed Pearl Fey at the birthday party with a... a..."

"Knife, Kumar," said Edgeworth gently.

Edgeworth: You know, the way this is being shown reminds me of Sebastian Debeste.

Apollo: Who's he?

Edgeworth: A prosecutor with...issues, shall we say.

"Thank you, papa. He killed Pearl with a knife, and also with a gun. This crime was carried out with a shocking degree of violence and cruelty. John Phoenix, and only John Phoenix, could have carried out this detestable crime, as the prosecution will prove with both evidence, and testimony."

Edgeworth clapped. "Very good, Kumar. That will be going on the fridge later."

Trucy: How come I never got my achievements put on the fridge, Daddy?

Phoenix: Because I needed to make room for all the reminders I made for myself when I was disbarred.

Edgeworth: (Why doesn't that surprise me in the least?)

Apollo: Are we gonna point out that an opening statement can't be put on a fridge?

"Yes, very good," said the Judge. "Now, your first witness?"

Edgeworth coughed into his fist. "Your Honor, the prosecution calls-" he consulted the paper in his hand- "Detective Dick Gumshoe to the stand."

The disheveled detective took his place at the witness stand. He had a five-o'clock shadow and his trench coat looked like a garbage bag. Flies buzzed around his smelly unwashed butt.

Edgeworth: Detective Gumshoe might not be the most financially well off but he does not look that terrible.

Phoenix: The author seems to hate every character except for their own.

"Witness, please state your name and occupation for the court," ordered the judge.

"The name's Dick Gumshoe, pal. And I'm the detective in charge of this case."

Kumar Timalsina said: "Detective Gumshoe, please tell us the facts of this case."


"We got a call that Pearl Fey had been murdered at Heavenly Hall on Eagle Mountain."

"Hold it!" said John Phoenix. "Who called you, exactly?"

"John Phoenix."

The judge blinked. "The defendant called the police on himself?"

"Objection!" screamed Kumar. "He was obviously just trying to make himself look not guilty by making himself look overly guilty. Use your brain, Mr. Judge."

"Exactly right, Kumar," said Edgeworth. "Thankfully the men and women of our police force are too smart to fall for such obvious, desperate ploys. Kindly continue with your testimony, detective."

Apollo: Shouldn't he give the testimony first, THEN John performs the cross examination?

Trucy: That implies that this fic ever played by the rules of an actual trial.

"I arrived at the crime scene approximately 30 seconds later."

"I found John Phoenix's fingerprints on the knife, so I promptly arrested him"

"Hold it!" cried John Phoenix. "If I were the murderer, why would I leave my prints on the weapon? Do you seriously think that I would be so stupid as to call the police without rearranging the crime scene first? Think!"

"Ya know, that's what I thought."

"Objection!" objectioned Edgeworth. "How could we possibly hope to fathom the depths of a depraved criminal mind like yours? You obviously had your reasons. You are still the only possible suspect, as the following testimony will show."

Phoenix: I don't think that's a solid reasoning for the prosecution.

Edgeworth: As expected for someone who's writing me to be as horrible as possible.

"I didn't see anyone else at the crime scene, or on the way to the crime scene, and the witnesses didn't see anyone but John Phoenix and Pearl go down there."

"Hold it!" cried Uncle Phoenix. "There was someone at the crime scene! Miles Edgeworth!"

"Objection!" cried Kumar. "And I suppose you have evidence to back up your claim of the reality of this alleged 'Edgeworth?'"

"Sure... John Phoenix's testimony!"

Kumar laughed. "Defendants always lie, Phoenix Wright! My dad was nowhere near the crime scene that night. He didn't go to the party."

"Hold it!" shouted Phoenix. "But I asked John Phoenix again before the trial, and the black magatama said he wasn't lying!"

"Then he's insane, Wright!" said Edgeworth. "In which case he's obviously not fit to be lead defense attorney for this trial."

Phoenix: Um...even if the magatama says it, that doesn't necessarily mean it can be used as evidence.

The judge banged his gavel. "This trial has gone on long enough. The prosecution has strong evidence which the defense hasn't been able to refute."

"Oh no!" cried Uncle Phoenix. "The judge is about to end the trial!"

John Phoenix stared ahead and a vein in his forehead began pumping with logic. He knew what must be done.

He jumped onto the desk and started stomping on it. "Not fair! Not fair! Kumar Timalsina is making stuff up again! He's cheating!" He lay down on the desk and started kicking out his arms and legs like a baby. "No proof! Forged evidence! Fake witnesses! Not guilty verdict NOW! Not guilty verdict NOW!"

All: ...

Apollo: Is John literally throwing a temper tantrum in order to keep the trial going?

Edgeworth: I believe so.

Trucy: Wow. That's one way to show that your main character is childish.

"John Phoenix!" roared the judge, banging his gavel. "Control yourself!"

"No! No! Bad court! Bad court!" John Phoenix pounded his fists into the desk. "Edgeworth fake! Evidence fake!" He screamed and rolled around in a fetal position and the judge penalized him.

"Don't worry, you guys," said Mia in the gallery. "Daddy is just using advanced lawyer tactics. It's like sacrificing a lesser piece in chess so you can capture the queen."

Edgeworth: "Advanced lawyer tactics?" Don't make me laugh.

Phoenix: Wait. Did Mia just call John "Daddy?" ...what the heck is that supposed to mean?!

Apollo: I don't know and I don't think I WANT to know.

During all this Edgeworth had stood primly at his desk while sipping tea with his pinky thrown out. Now he raised an eyebrow. "Oh, is that all?" he asked. He dashed his teacup to the ground and it exploded and sent shards of glass flying into the audience. Edgeworth's lips were purple and he was shaking in barely repressed rage. "So the two-bit attorney who can't even tie a tie is accusing me of cheating?"

John Phoenix suddenly sat up and sneered. "Like mentor like apprentice."

Edgeworth pounded on the table like a jackhammer. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I hate you!"

The judge banged his gavel. "Miles, be quite. John Phoenix, resume not being on a desk. Kumar, prove you didn't cheat."

Edgeworth: ...that's not how it works. The burden of proof is on John to prove that Kumar cheated.

Phoenix: Really? Because it seems like it's the other way around with trials.

Edgeworth: I don't make the rules, Wright.

"Ugh, fine," said Kumar. "I shall do this by calling... six witnesses to the stand at once!"

Everyone gasped. Edgeworth smirked. You see, not calling the witnesses and then making John Phoenix make him call the witnesses was all part of his plan all along.

"It was a trap...!" said Uncle Phoenix trough gritted teeth. John Phoenix said nothing.

Because, you see, this was all part of his plan.

Trucy: Implying the author had a plan to begin with.

Apollo: Except to tick off every reader ever.


A man stood in a room while wearing a hat.

To be continuesd

Edgeworth: Wow. I didn't think you could go worse from the last cliffhanger but here we are.

Phoenix: Yaaaay.

[The lights turn on.]

Phoenix: Welp, I would go on to say how much I hope the rest of this story gets better, but after that, I have no hope whatsoever.

Edgeworth: Nor do I. Nor should anyone when reading this story.

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

Gender: None specified

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

Well, after a series of events including the author not updating this story for a long time, other things on my mind, and a derecho (inland hurricane) sweeping through my area, knocking out my power for a few days, I figured it would be nice to get back to sporking one of the worst fanfics I've seen. After a month delay, this is...

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 8

Phoenix: Wait, this is still going? I thought the author gave up on this story.

Edgeworth: If only that were true.

Trucy: At least we get to see the thrilling conclusion to who the heck the man in the hat is.

Apollo: About as thrilling as milking yaks in Khura'in. Actually, I'm pretty sure milking yaks is more thrilling than this story.

Trucy: Way to be a downer, Polly.

Apollo: Well excuse me for thinking we were done with this crap.

Phoenix: It's the Sporking Theater. We're never done with this crap.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 13: John Phoenix Cross Examines the Witnesses and Exposes the Lies in Their Testimonies, Thus Winning

Phoenix: Wait, where were we again?

Edgeworth: If I recall correctly, the worst OC to ever live, John Phoenix, was on trial for the murder of Pearl Fey. The prosecutor was fic-me's "adopted son," Kumar Timalsina, an OC who was stolen from Camperor by dakoolguy.

Phoenix: Oh right. How could I possibly forget?

Kumar shuffled a stack of paper and coughed into his fist. "Ah-hem. The prosecution calls the judge, Merlin, St. Peter, Godot, the conductor, and John Phoenix Games to the stand."

Apollo: Shouldn't someone give an actual name to that conductor? It wouldn't be so bad if he was just a one off character but they unnecessarily give him a bigger role than he needs to have here.

Phoenix: "John Phoenix Games?" Wasn't he one of the reviewers the author inserted into this story?

Speakers: Indeed. And from our research, this particular reviewer created a fangame based on "The Adventures of John Phoenix." We haven't been able to play this game because you couldn't pay us enough to play a game based on a terrible story.

Apollo: These guys have WAY too much time on their hands.

"Whoa, hold on a second," said Uncle Phoenix Wright. "I thought the witnesses were being held captive in your apartment until they were called to testify?"

"Yes, and?" said Kumar. "Do you have a point, idiot?"

"Well, half of those people were in the defense lobby at the pre-trial celebration party."

Edgeworth sighed deeply. "They're robots, Wright. I made them to trick you. They aren't real." He took a detonator out of his cravat and pressed the button. The robots in the gallery blew apart in a shower of sparks and sent hunks of metal flying across the room. Robo-Godot's head landed on John Phoenix's desk.

Edgeworth: When did fic-me learn to build and program several robots?

Trucy: Clearly it was during that one time that the fic will never show because that would actually be somewhat interesting.

Edgeworth: Ah yes. That time.

"B-b-b-b-but this is impossible!" sputtered Phoenix Wright, picking it up. "He wasn't a robot! Godot was eating burgers and having detailed flashbacks!"

"It's hardly impossible, Mr. Wright," said John Phoenix. "Edgeworth just used magic, no doubt with Merlin's help."

Phoenix: Wait, why is John calling fic-me "Mr. Wright?"

Apollo: Either a typo or a poorly explained way to foreshadow some big twist.

Edgeworth: Also, it seems I learned magic at the same time I was developing these robots.

"Exactly," said Edgeworth. "You don't think I'd be so, heh, sloppy as to replace Godot with a robot without making it a perfect replica with all his memories, do you? For goodness' sake, I'm not you, Wright!"

Phoenix: Ignoring that insult, how would Edgeworth be able to give a robot all of someone's memories? He doesn't even know Godot that well!

Trucy: Magic? That seems to be what the fic is using to fill all its plot holes.

Apollo: That doesn't make anything better here.

Edgeworth: I would almost prefer there to be no explanation at times.

He returned the detonator to his pocket. "In any case, I left Judgebot intact," he said, jerking his head toward to the judge. "He will continue to judge the trial while the real judge testifies. Oh, and he has all the judge's memories from judge school, so he is fully qualified."

Edgeworth: Yes, let this happen. It's not like there's no legal precedent for this. It's not like there are other judges that could easily take the usual judge's place while he testifies.

"Objection!" cried Uncle Wright. "And how do we know you didn't FORGE this judge? The defense requests-"

"Objection," said John Phoenix. "I don't care. Phoenix Wright must be quiet. Proceed with the trial."

The judge assented. "Very well," he said. "I'm afraid I'm having a bit of a personal crisis over finding out I'm a robot. I mean, it's so sudden. I... I have memories of a wife and child. Tell me, Mr. Edgeworth, do robotic versions of them exist somewhere?"

Apollo: Wow. That's actually...kind of deep.

Trucy: Yeah. It raises some very interesting questions about robots and what feelings, if any, can they have.

Phoenix: I wonder if the fic will focus on-

"No," said Edgeworth. "You're being turned into a tractor after the trial."

"I see. Well, I can't let my personal feelings get in the way of my judging duties." Slam! "Bailiff, bring out more witness stands."

Phoenix: ...I guess not.

Edgeworth: The best idea for a fic the author had and they destroyed it in only a couple sentences. I'm almost impressed.

The six witnesses took their places at the six stands.

"Names and jobs," ordered Kumar Timalsina. "And don't tell bad lies, that's perjury."

"Judge," said the real judge.

"Merlin," said Merlin

"St. Peter," said St. Peter.

"Godot," said Godot.

"The conductor," said the conductor.

"John Phoenix Games," said John Phoenix Games.

Phoenix: Those weren't even their occupations. Also, half of those people didn't even say their real names.

Apollo: A name for the conductor! It's not that hard!

Kumar Timalsina tried to snap his fingers, but he couldn't, so he had his father do it instead.

"Now," ordered Kumar, "tell the court exactly what happened that night, and dispel any fooltardy notions from the judge's head (the fake one) that I in any way 'cheated.' Tah! Bah! Pah!" he spat on the floor. "Ridiculous!"

"This map will show exactly where the witnesses were at the time of the crime," said Edgeworth.

Map of Eagle Mountain added to the Court Record.

Speakers: Just for the record, the author inserted a link to a map of Eagle Mountain with the markers on them. We're not going to bother posting the link or the image itself.

Trucy: At least the author's dedicated to the bit?

Apollo: That's not always a good thing, Trucy.

Uncle Phoenix looked at the court record. "Huh, it says here that the steps on the Blue Badger pedometer add up to four miles. Do ya think that means something, John Phoenix?"

"Of course it doesn't," snapped John Phoenix. "Now be quiet and listen to the testimony."

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure that could mean quite a lot!

Edgeworth: As usual, John is dismissive of everyone and everything except himself.



"Let's see, oh yes," said the real judge, "Merlin and St. Peter and I were the first to be found during the game of hide and seek."

"We three left the temple and went over to the bridge to smoke," said Merlin. "The next person to exit the temple was that poor girl who got murdered. She passed right by in front of us. She looked worried."

"Yes, she crossed the bridge to the other side," said St. Peter. "That was 10:05 PM. My very accurate heaven wristwatch told me so."

"The girl in pink... what's her name, Stacy?" asked Godot. "Can't remember. Anyway, I saw her go down the path to Heavenly Hall."

"She was carrying a sack over her shoulder," said the conductor. "I remember the time well, it was 10:10 PM. I saw the time on John Phoenix Games' phone because he was showing me a frankly lol-worthy John Phoenix meme."

"Only a few minutes later, John Phoenix crossed the bridge and went down after her," said John Phoenix Games. "Then the police came. We didn't see anyone else or hear anything. I'm... I'm sorry, John Phoenix. They're forcing me to testify!"


All: ...

Phoenix: Okay, first, Godot should know pretty well what Pearl's name is!

Edgeworth: Second, that's the most obvious contradiction I've ever seen in a testimony.

Apollo: Third, I can personally guarantee you that there is no such thing as a "lol-worthy" John Phoenix meme.

Trucy: I think that about covers it. Moving right along!

"Mwah mree mree mhrew mrew," laughed Kumar Timalsina. "My case is perfect like a door. It opens, it shuts. The victim goes down a path, the defendant follows, the victim dies! Could it be any more simple?"

Phoenix Wright took out the black magatama and waved it at the testimony. "Damn it! They're telling the truth!"

Phoenix: First, I'm not so sure the black Magatama is even that reliable. And even if it was, the magatama can still be fooled. Maybe they believe what they see is the truth. Maybe they're wording it deceptively.

Trucy: That is also one weird laugh Kumar has.

Edgeworth chuckled. "Well, ready to give up? The victim left the temple and went to the sad little shack where she would meet her untimely demise..." He pointed at John Phoenix. "At the hands of the man whom I am fingering at this very moment!"

Edgeworth: ...

Phoenix: Um-

Edgeworth: Not. A. Word.

John Phoenix stood at desk his like a stony sentinel, his face unreadable. Then a single word of great import left his lips.


Apollo: That's not even really a word...

"W-what's so funny?" demanded Kumar. "Are you mocking the great Kumar Timalsina?!"

"Sorry, it's just that your perfectly arranged testimony has a hole in it," said John Phoenix, hands on his hips. "A hole big enough to drive a truck through!"

Kumar sweated and pulled at the collar of his iconic yellow shirt with three strings. "Why, you silly little man! The black magatama itself showed that the testimony was true!"

"The individual statements were true," nodded John Phoenix. "But they were presented in such a way to create a false impression!"

Edgeworth slammed his desk. "I've had just about enough bloviating from you, John Phoenix! If there's a hole in the testimony, kindly point it out!"

"It's in the sixth statement, from John Phoenix Games!" said John Phoenix.

"We didn't see anyone else or hear anything."

"And what piece of evidence contradicts that statement?" asked the judge.

"Simple... the gun."

John Phoenix presented the gun.

Apollo: Huh. I would've thought the time discrepancy would be what would be the most obvious.

"The witnesses should have heard the gunshot from the shack... but they didn't. This can mean only one thing." John Phoenix picked up his desk and slammed it against the floor like a gavel. "The victim was NOT killed at the heavenly hall! She was killed... somewhere else!"

Edgeworth: Or the culprit could've simply used a silencer to hide the sound.

Trucy: Is it even possible to pick up those desks?

The audience erupted into a sustained roar. It took a dozen bangs of the judge's gavel and several volleys of beanbags fired into the gallery to restore order.

Apollo: Um...I don't think that's a thing.

Phoenix: Where in the courtroom would they even keep beanbags?

Apollo: Under the Judge's chair?

"Great contradiction, John Phoenix!" said Uncle Phoenix.

"Yes, simply brilliant!" said Mia.

Kumar raised an objection. "H-heh... hee haw ho..." His eyes bugged out. "You are simply grasping at straws!"

"Yeah!" said Edgeworth. "Straw-grasper!"

"If the victim was killed somewhere else," continued Kumar, "then explain why the witnesses saw her going down the path moments before her death?"

"That question is stupid," said John Phoenix. "The person they saw... was the real killer."

"OBJECTION!" cried Kumar Timalsina. "The real killer?! But they saw Pearl Fey!"

"No. In truth, the witnesses saw someone dressed up like Pearl Fey. And that someone was... the real killer."

Phoenix: I'm not sure anyone could easily dress up as Pearl. That hairstyle of hers is pretty hard to replicate.

Apollo: Unless it was the Phantom, who hasn't been established to appear in this story at all.

Edgeworth slammed his desk. "Oh, please, John Phoenix! The witnesses only saw two people go down the path... you, and your so-called 'impostor'. Where did the corpse come from?"

"Two words: Pearl Fey's corpse was in the potato sack. The impostor was transporting the body to the shack!"

Apollo: That's seventeen words. Is the author even trying anymore?

Edgeworth: History

"Oh, now you're just being ridiculous!" said Edgeworth. "That sack was filled with potatoes!"

"OBJECTION!" screamed John Phoenix. "Yes, the sack was found at the crime scene filled with potatoes. But that, in itself, means nothing. Ask yourself: when were the potatoes placed in the sack? The defense contends that the potatoes were concealed at the scene of the crime at an earlier time by the real killer."

"But... but of course!" said Uncle Phoenix, picking up what John Phoenix was putting down. "It's all clear now! The killer hid the potatoes at Heavenly Hall... killed Pearls... disguised themself as her... and stuffed her body in a sack and carried her to the crime scene!" He started pacing back and forth, his brain working hard. "Yeah, yeah, and then, the killer dumped the body out of the sack, and stuffed the potatoes in it to create the illusion that they had been in there all along!"

"That's right, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. "But that was my idea and you stole it."

Trucy: That's not so much "stealing an idea" as much as "reiterating what was being suggested more clearly."

"Wow, I never realized the killer was someone else," said the judge.

Phoenix: That's pretty much what the judge says at every trial I've had with him.

Apollo: Same.

"OBJECTION!" cried Kumar. "Your Honor! John Phoenix is deceiving you! The situation he just presented is impossible! Where did the killer hide when John Phoenix arrived at the scene?"

"They climbed up the chimney onto the roof," said John Phoenix. "Any other dumb questions?"

Edgeworth: Yes. How exactly did they climb up onto the roof without a ladder?

Trucy: They simply used a stepladder!

Edgeworth: But that's exactly what I said.

Phoenix and Trucy: ...

Apollo: (What's their deal?)

"Yes, actually. The victim passed right by Merlin, the Judge, and St. Peter. They clearly saw her face and recognized that it was her. She crossed the bridge and then she was seen to go down the path. When exactly did she have the time to get killed and stuffed in a potato sack? She went no where else!"

"OBJECTION!" yelled John Phoenix. "Yes, that is what you'd have us believe, eh, Pedoboy Fuckforgesina? That she couldn't have gone anywhere else?"

Phoenix: That is possibly the most immature nickname given to Kumar in this fic.

Apollo: Once again, he's not a pedophile.

"I fail to see how she could have," said the judge. "I mean, when you consider the testimony..."

"But recall what John Phoenix said," said John Phoenix. "He said something very correct and enlightening, and which convinced me of his innocence. Namely, that the testimony, while not strictly untrue, was presented in such a way to create a false impression. TAKE THAT!"

Apollo: Was it really necessary for this to be presented by John in the third person?

Trucy: It makes him look better, I guess. Why do you think I use it all the time in my magic shows?

"We three went over to the bridge to smoke... ...The next person to exit the temple was that poor girl who got murdered."

"See?" said John Phoenix. "Pearl crossed the bridge before the other three witnesses. That means she could easily have gone somewhere else and got killed!"

Edgeworth broke into chuckles. "Oh, a very creative story you present to the court!" He tapped his head. "You say she was killed elsewhere? I'm afraid, without evidence, that a story is all it is."

"I have evidence," said John Phoenix. "TAKE THAT!"

He presented the step counter.

Phoenix: Oh look. It turns out I WAS right about the pedometer being important.

Edgeworth: And yet the story is likely going to treat it as if it was all John's idea.

"This was found on the victim's dead body," said John Phoenix. "She put it in her pocket right before we left the main hall. Now, notice something about the number of recorded steps. The victim is said to have gone from Hazakura Temple to the Inner Hall, and then to Heavenly Hall- about 200 yards in total. But the step counter said she walked four miles! She MUST have gone somewhere else after crossing the bridge!"

"OBJECTION!" cried Kumar Timalsina. "That piece of garbage must be busted. Only five minutes passed between the victim crossing the bridge and heading to Heavenly Hall."

"Yes, it's simply impossible for the victim to have walked or run two miles and back again in that time frame," said Edgeworth. "So sorry, John Phoenix."

"It does seem pretty impossible, John Phoenix," said Uncle Phoenix. "I mean, you could run four miles in five minutes, but Pearl? No way!"

Phoenix: I dunno. Pearls ran from Kurain Village all the way to my office in only a couple hours once. It's possible...

Apollo: (Remind me to never get on her bad side.)

"No, there is a way," said John Phoenix. "She simply rode in a car!" He presented the map of Eagle Mountain- there was clearly a picture of a car!

Edgeworth: Except that wouldn't matter much as pedometers don't register steps normally whenever it's in a car.

Phoenix: Also, simply presenting a picture of a car wouldn't be much.

"Hey, wait a minute," said Maya in the gallery. "OBJECTION! Pearl can't drive a car! She's too short to reach the pedals."

John Phoenix leapt into the gallery like a monkey and screamed in her face.


He knocked her opera glasses out of her hand and jumped back to his desk.

Trucy: Geez, John! Calm down! It was an honest mistake!

Apollo: And people say that I can be too loud.

Everyone else: You can.

Apollo: *pouts*

Phoenix: Also, the image of Maya with opera glasses is suspension of disbelief that I just can't buy.

"Everyone pay attention to what John Phoenix says," said the judge.

"Ahem..." said Edgeworth. "Moving on. The path shown on the map is a very smooth ride. It's unlikely that simply ridding as a passenger would cause the step counter to record so many steps."

"Yes, in a normal car. But I think I know exactly which car she was sitting in... TAKE THAT!"

John Phoenix presented Irfran Nilgiria's police car- yes, he had added it to the court record earlier when no one was looking. John Phoenix is a genius.

"W-what?" stammered Edgeworth. "My son's car?"

"Yes," nodded John Phoenix. "I witnessed this car myself yesterday! It kept backfiring and jumping off the road every few seconds! The constant jolts would definitely cause the pedometer to go up."

Edgeworth: Not to account for four miles worth of steps.

Phoenix: And why would that car even be running if it was that malfunctional?

"Oh no, no no no no!" said Edgeworth. "You've gone too far accusing my dear little Irfran! YOU HAVE NO PROOOOOOOOOF"

"YES I DO!" said John Phoenix. "When I discovered Pearl's corpse at the crime scene, I noticed that a single thread was missing from her acolyte's uniform. It is my belief that we will find this thread in Irfran's car!"

Apollo: A missing thread is the big piece of evidence that proves him innocent?

Phoenix: I dunno. I can believe it would work in some circumstances.

Edgeworth: That's still quite a stretch.

Trucy: And how would he be able to find that thread anyway? He doesn't have perceiving skills like me or Polly.

Everyone clapped at John Phoenix's brilliant logical abilities.

"I think we just won the trial," said Mia, turning to Maya in the gallery.

But the Prosecuting Pedophile had other plans. He took a walkie talkie out.

"John Phoenix is on to us, Natan... DO IT!"

The sound of a shotgun being pumped came from underneath the judge's robes. He gulped.

Edgeworth: And nobody hears the sound of the walkie talkie or the shotgun being pumped?

"Your Honor," said Phoenix Wright, "the defense requests that Irfran and his car be called to the stand at once!"

Phoenix: How would you call a car to the witness stand?

Edgeworth: Wright, you've cross examined a parrot and an orca whale. Is a car really that much of a stretch?

Phoenix: At least those two were living creatures!

The Judge shook his head. "I'm... I'm afraid that's not possible. I'm ready to deliver my verdict."

"WHAT!" cried all the good people in the court.

"AHAHAHA YES!" said all the evil people in the court.

"What the jinkies is going on!" cried Larry in the gallery. He was confused and in a scary place.

"I don't know..." said Mia. "When John Phoenix accused Irfran Nilgiria of driving a car, he should have won the trial right then and there. Something's up with the judge."

Trucy: Well he is a robot. I think that's suspicion enough.

John Phoenix threw back his head and screamed. "LET ME KILL IRFRAN NILGIRA RIGHT NOW!"

Edgeworth: And he should now be in contempt of court for that outburst.

"S-silence, Mr. phoenix," said the Judge. "While I admit your version of events is very plausible, ahem, well, you haven't presented any hard evidence, and it is getting late in the day, so...

Edgeworth: ...or not.

Phoenix: At least he's getting a guilty verdict. That's good enough for me.

"I find John Phoenix..."



Everyone: *applause*

Trucy: Wait a minute. Why did the author say "yes" before the guilty verdict?

Apollo: Maybe even they're celebrating the guilty verdict.

"WAHHHHHHH NO!" screamed John Phoenix. Uncle Phoenix glared at Edgeworth.

"Edgeworth...!" he said through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry, Wright! It wasn't meant to end like this. I swear!"

The judge picked up a glass of lemonade and sipped it. "Now let me just hit my coaster with my hammer to make my verdict official."

Phoenix: Oh look, Edgeworth. You might not be John's enemy after all.

Edgeworth: Just what I needed.

He raised his gavel and swung it.


Larry Butz did a backwards dive across the judge's seat and the gavel hit his chest and made a hole in it. His body landed in a broken heap on the prosecutor's desk. Blood squirted everywhere.

Edgeworth: Um...what?

Phoenix: What was the point of this?

"Brother Larry!" cried Brother Nicholas, vaulting over his desk and running over to his brother. Paramedics lifted Larry onto a stretcher.

"H-heh..." said Larry. "I bought you and John Phoenix a few more seconds... Hope... hope he makes it." His closed his eyes and his head rolled to the side.

Phoenix:, a hit from the gavel shouldn't cause a hole like that. Two, I think there are a bunch of other ways to solve this problem. If we can even call it a problem.

The judge banged his bloody gavel. "I'm afraid I must rescind my previous verdict."

"THAT'S NOT FAIR! I ALREADY WON!" cried Kumar. He picked up the walkie talkie. "DO YOU WANT SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO YOU?"

"I... I don't have a choice, Mr. Timalsina. I swear. The rules clearly state that a recess must be granted if the judge kills someone with his gavel. Court is adjourned for two minutes!" He slammed his gavel.

Apollo: I don't think that's an actual rule.

Trucy: That's an oddly specific circumstance to call for a recess.

"Two minutes?" said Edgeworth. "That should be enough time to prepare Irfran as a witness."

"B-but father!" objected Kumar. Edgeworth tussled his hair.

"Don't worry, Kumar. It's... all according to daddy's plan."

"Okay, papa, I trust you."

Edgeworth: I don't like where this is going.

They walked hand-in-hand out of the courtroom. Everyone began to stream out of the courtroom, leaving John Phoenix and his uncle behind. The paramedics decided to leave Larry's stinky corpse on John Phoenix's desk.

"I acknowledge your sacrifice, Uncle Larold", said John Phoenix to the dead body. "I do not thank you, because killing yourself for me is the very least you could have done, and you should have done it sooner. But nevertheless, I acknowledge the fact you are dead. May your death result in further happiness for me."

Trucy: Wow. Way to mourn the death of someone who sacrificed their life for you.

Phoenix: Empathy? What on earth is that?

Uncle Phoenix sniffed. "That was beautiful, John Phoenix. I hope my brother can find happiness, too."

"If he is looking down on me," said John Phoenix, "he will be happy. Because I am about to achieve victory over Kumar Timalsina. Come, let us retire to the defense lobby and use the tanning booths. There are still ten seconds left until the recess ends."

They left.

Apollo: When did the defense lobby get tanning booths? More importantly, why?

Trucy: Well lawyers have to look their best when defending someone, Polly!

Apollo: I don't think "looking their best" means looking like someone from Jersey Shore.


A man stood in a room while wearing a hat.

"Everything is going according to plan..." The man took off his hat, revealing himself to be John Phoenix's loyal servant SHELLY DE KILLER! "Yes, according to John Phoenix's plan! Just as the master suspected, Kumar Timalsina had a hat in his apartment! This all but confirms he is the man in the hat!"

Just then Matt Engarde walked in from another part of the apartment.

"Bad news, dude... I can't find the man in the hat's gloves anywhere in Bitchalsina's apartment!"


To be continued one last time

All: ...

Phoenix: Maybe it's because it's been a while, but what was the point of that "reveal?"

Speakers: If you recall, at the beginning of this story, someone in a hat and gloves tried to kill John but instead killed a bird.

Edgeworth: Oh right. Can't forget about THAT important detail.

[The lights turn on.]

Trucy: Well, at least there's only one chapter left, judging by the ending tagline.

Speakers: Actually, no. There's four chapters left. The author made the "epilogue" into three separate chapters.

All: *groan*

Edgeworth: When will this end?!

To be continued...
Re: Let's spork some horrible Fanfiction!Topic%20Title

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Rank: Suspect

Joined: Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:14 am

Posts: 42

John Phoenix vs Kumar Timalsina Sporking Part 9

Phoenix: Four chapters to go. Let's do this, everyone.

Speakers: That's the spirit! Oh, and just so you know, we're doing two chapters per session for the rest of the story. Don't worry. The chapters are relatively short.

Apollo: Somehow, I'm not reassured.

[The lights dim.]

Chapter 30: John Phoenix Vs. Kumar Timalsina

Edgeworth: It's not chapter 30! It's not even halfway to chapter 30!

Trucy: Given how long this story is, it could easily feel like chapter 30.

After the recess, John Phoenix swiped Larry's corpse and some evidence off his desk with a crash.

"Change of plan," said John Phoenix. "The focus of this trial is no longer Pearl Fey's death. I decided I do not care. We will be following a more rewarding line of inquiry: namely, who wore a hat while shooting a bird while also bearing animosity towards me, John Phoenix, which is a thing unthinkable?"'

Edgeworth: Um...that's not how trials work. Also, bearing animosity towards John is completely thinkable, believable, if anything.

Phoenix: Wasn't he already found guilty of Pearl's murder?

Everyone was taken aback by this bold new direction John Phoenix was taking this trial, as if the trial were a boat, and he was the brave captain steering it into an iceberg named Logic and Winning.

Apollo: Oh, it's heading into an iceberg, alright. Just the one named Disaster and Horrible Writing.

"John Phoenix, what are you doing?" asked Uncle Phoenix worriedly. "This does not make sense."

"Yes it does."

"But I thought you wanted to cross-examine Irfran," asked the Judge, no longer a robot.

"No I don't."

Edgeworth slammed his desk. "You just said you did. We all heard you."

"No I didn't. He's dead anyway."

All: Yes he did!

Phoenix: Wait...why is he suddenly dead?

And sure enough, Irfran Nilgiria was slumped over the witness stand, dead! A mysterious card with with seashell was on his back.

"Oh no!" cried Kumar. "My beloved brother!"

"But... but how?" said the Judge. "Who did this?"

Edgeworth closed his eyes. He seemed strangely unaffected by his son's death. "Hmm... before I closed my eyes, I saw a card on his back. It's possible that card is actually the calling card of Shelly de Killer, a famous assassin who leaves behind cards. It is possible Irfran was assassinated with this card."

"Sounds far-fetched," said John Phoenix. He dropped an assassination invoice and put his shoe over it.

Apollo: If that isn't the most convincing denial of a crime you've ever seen, must've read another fanfiction.

The Judge hemmed. "So, ah, you want this trial to be about a hat now?"


"Objection!" cried Kumar. "John Phoenix is stalling for time! This doesn't matter!"

"Objection. Shut up. It's been proven that I did not kill the bird, and the man in the hat left behind a message threatening me. It is obvious I am being framed." He addressed the Judge. "Your Honor, I am confident that this line of questioning will reveal the truth behind this case." He started climbing a ladder. "I am so sure, I will now submerge myself in this tank of water while chained to pyschelocks. The tank will only open when a voice sensor detects the judge saying 'Not Guilty.'"

All: ...

Trucy: As much as I'm a fan of magic stunts like this...this is just ridiculous.

Phoenix: The sad thing is, he'll still probably do it.

The gallery cheered as John Phoenix's magic cousin wrapped him in chains and he sprung off a diving board into the glass tank. The splash hit Uncle Phoenix and flattened his spikes and sent him spinning across the room.

"Voice lock armed," said a robot. The gigantic hinged lid snapped shut.

Uncle Phoenix coughed and sloshed back to the defense bench. "John Phoenix, are you sure about this? What if you drown?"

"Impossible, Mr. Wright," warbled John Phoenix. "I have a plan."

Edgeworth: And how exactly are people able to hear his voice while he's UNDERWATER?

Phoenix: Also, he called fic-me "Mr. Wright" again.

John Phoenix called Kumar Timalsina to the stand!

"W-what's this?" said Kumar, sweating. "M-me?"

"You are the man in the hat!" said John Phoenix. "Admit it!"

Apollo: Well that certainly came out of nowhere.

Edgeworth: To be fair, I suppose this could be expected, given the title of the story. Still, there was absolutely no indication whatsoever that Kumar was the main villain of the story other than that. If you're going to make a surprise villain, the least you can do is provide some foreshadowing.

Kumar laughed, regaining his composure. "Is the lack of oxygen affecting your brain, John Phoenix? Did you forget where we are? This is a law court! You need evidence! You can't just call people to the stand and bully them!"

"Some people deserve bullying." John Phoenix tapped the glass with his forehead. "Uncle Phoenix! Present the object my associate gave you in the lobby!"

Uncle Phoenix presented the hat found in Kumar's apartment! Everyone gasped!

"My... my word..." whispered the judge. "Is t-that what I think it is?"

"Yes, Your Honor!" smiled Phoenix Wright. "This object belongs to Kumar Timalsina!"

Phoenix: Uh...when did that happen? I don't think that happened during the before trial section.

Trucy: Maybe it happened during the recess that happened after the judge killed Mr. Butz.

Edgeworth: If that's the case, then it brings up another point. Show, don't tell, author.

Apollo: Exactly. Even if it would mean a slightly longer fanfic, it's the first rule of storytelling!

"My... my word..." whispered the judge. "Is t-that what I think it is?"

"Yes, Your Honor!" smiled Phoenix Wright. "This object belongs to Kumar Timalsina!"

Kumar laughed. "Hee hee hee! So you conducted an illegal search of my apartment, did you? That evidence is inadmissible!"

But it was John Phoenix's turn to laugh.

"Why. What. Stop that," said Kumar. "I'm winning."

"No you're not. I am."

"Explain how!" cried Edgeworth.

"Simple. The hat wasn't presented as evidence. It was presented as an 'object' my uncle just happened to have in his pocket. You are the one who identified it as evidence! If it's evidence, then that means YOU are guilty of hiding evidence in your apartment!"

"Yeah!" said Uncle Wright. "And you also said it was a hat!"

Phoenix: That's...not how evidence law works.

Edgeworth: It's not as if one of our trials showcased how evidence law works in our court system-oh wait!

Apollo: Really? What case was that?

Phoenix: Long story.

Edgeworth: A REALLY long story.

Kumar crawled around on the sides of the witness stand like a centipede shrieking and crying for daddy. But Edgeworth just shook his head.

"Be a man, Kumar," he said.


Edgeworth's eyes flared. "No. It tastes bad."

He poured it on the floor and Kumar screamed like a baby.

Trucy: Wow, Kumar. No use crying over spilled tea.

Apollo: That joke was terrible, Trucy.

Trucy: Hey! I'd like to see you come up with a better one!

"Look!" said Trucy from the gallery. She pointed at the puddle of tea. "There are mysterious pills floating in there!"

"You're right," replied Mia. "The tea Edgeworth has been drinking the entire trial and in all the other parts of his life since adopting Kumar Timalsina must have been drugged."

Edgeworth: One, how would Miss Fey know about that? Two, the pills would've dissolved in the tea.

Phoenix: Wait, does that mean that fic-Edgeworth was drugged into helping Kumar and turning against John?

Apollo: It looks like it.

Edgeworth: So in other words, fic-me was drugged into being sensible.

The Judge slammed his gavel.

"It appears that Kumar Timalsina is, indeed, a man in a hat," he said gravely. "Under these circumstances, I can't possibly find John Phoenix guilty. After all, the prosecutor has threatened the defendant's life! And since all trials must last one day, it is impossible to grant an extension and get a new prosecutor. Unless you, Mr. Edgeworth...?"He shook his head. "No, I can't. I have to go home and spank Kumar."

"Very well." He raised his gavel.

Edgeworth: We did NOT need to know about that detail.

Phoenix: Also, it's not like threatening the defense's life has stopped trials from going on before.

But then...

"OBJECTION!" screamed Kumar. "Not so hasty, Your Honor! It's true I have a hat, but that doesn't mean I am the man in the hat!"

"How does it not mean that?"

"Because the man in the hat also has gloves! Without gloves, I can't be the man in the hat!"

Apollo: Wait, so if someone has a hat and gloves, they're automatically the villain of the story? Then why isn't anyone accusing Trucy of that?

Trucy: Polly! How could you say that about me?!

Apollo: *shrugs* I'm just saying...

Trucy: Well I'm a woman so I can't be the villain!

Phoenix: (Knowing this author, I actually wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. They've made Maya, Mia, Iris, Pearl, and Edgeworth into villains.)

John Phoenix went white. It was true. Without gloves, there was no case! Uncle Phoenix saw that John Phoenix was about to drown!

"Your Honor!" cried Uncle Phoenix. "Find him not guilty! Otherwise he'll die!"

"Well... without the gloves..."

It was too late. John Phoenix drowned and sunk to the bottom of the tank.

Apollo: You know, I'm just going to ignore the fact that bodies would float up if they died, not sink down, and instead, celebrate the death of this terrible character.

Edgeworth: I would too, except there are still three chapters left. I don't think it's that simple...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Uncle Phoenix. Kumar laughed and returned to his desk.

"Looks like he was guilty after all," he snickered.

But then...


(To be continued in the epilogue)

Edgeworth: See what I mean?

Apollo: That doesn't mean he's alive...he could still be dead...

Phoenix: Well, only one way to find out what happened.

Trucy: Even if we don't want to know what happens.

CR-CR-RASHHHHH! John Phoenix broke down the doors on his motorcycle with a kangaroo in the sidecar! He skidded to a stop at the witness stand.

Apollo: OH COME ON!!!

Edgeworth: I can't say I didn't see this coming.

Trucy: Why the heck does he have a kangaroo with him?

Phoenix: I'm sure it'll be explained...somehow.

"What the heck! John Phoenix! You're alive!" cried Phoenix Wright.


"Then who the heck is that in the tank!"

"That's John Phoenix. He is actually Apollo Justice. He was an obvious impostor. Too short; not as smart. He cried and acted like a baby. I do not cry. I do not whine when I do not get my way. I do not do that because I always get my way because I am an adult who is mature and controls his emotions."


[Everyone flinched back and covered their ears at Apollo's sudden outburst.]

Apollo: *pants* I...hate this fanfiction. I hate it so much.

Trucy: *pats Apollo's back* We all do, Polly.

Edgeworth: Ahem. In any case, that is not only demeaning to Mr. Justice, here, but apart from calling Wright "Mr. Wright," was there any indication whatsoever that John was not the genuine person?


"My maturity and cool thinking is why I win." John Phoenix got off his motorcycle. "Also, the fake John Phoenix called the judge Your Honor, called my uncle Mr. Wright, high fived him, and let him be his co-counsel. I would never do any of that. I would have got Storm Sente."

Phoenix: Gee, thanks, author.

Apollo: I just realized. This means that fic-me is now dead.

"What a delightfully surprising turn of events," said the judge. "Good work on escaping the tank, John Phoenix."

Phoenix Wright looked back and forth between the corpse and his nephew. "But-"

"Be quiet. Additionally," continued John Phoenix, "his John Phoenix impression was bad because he kept demeaning my uncle, despite my infinite respect and reverence for Phoenix Wright, AKA my uncle AKA the man who apprenticed me AKA the lawyer Phoenix Wright."

Phoenix: That's a load of bull crap and you know it!

Trucy: Also, you forgot the title "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney."

"And when did this switch take place?" asked the judge.

"Immediately after leaving my office after the bird murder. I had to throw the man in the hat off my trail to investigate, so I had Apollo Justice impersonate me, having run into him in the hall. The John Phoenix at the party was actually Apollo Justice. This also explains why his psychic powers didn't work. The 'magic shackles' were just a bluff."

Phoenix: Okay, while that explanation could work for the handcuffs, we saw John use psychic powers at least once before he was arrested. In other words, this still makes no sense!

Apollo: So the author probably just added it on as a last minute twist just to try and spice up the story.

"But we saw Apollo at the party," objected Phoenix Wright.

"No. That was a cardboard cutout on wheels operated by Klavier Gavin." Klavier waved from the gallery.

Edgeworth: Nobody in their right mind would fall for something as ridiculous as that!

Phoenix: A cardboard badge, maybe, but not a carboard cutout!

"Now..." John Phoenix turned to face Kumar, who shrunk down in his seat under John Phoenix's powerful gaze. "According to my investigation, Kumar Timalsina went to Australia the day before the bird murder. I flew there myself with my psychic powers and found a witness who saw him wear gloves!"

John Phoenix's rival attorney from Australia, Emperor, popped his head out of the kangaroo's pouch! They were rivals and Emperor wasn't as good him but Emperor really hated Kumar Timalsina so they put aside their differences just this once.

Apollo: "Emperor?" Management?

Speakers: According to our research, "Emperor" is the "OC" of another reviewer under the name "Azu Dazu." Once again, this reviewer seems to be a troll alongside the rest of the John Phoenix crowd, but unlike the others, this one has gotten into a few "arguments" with dakoolguy.

Phoenix: there any indication of Emperor being Australian at all?

Speakers: Not that we know of, no.

Edgeworth: This is going to be filled with Austrailian stereotypes, isn't it?

"Exactly right, John," he said. "I was helping a joey trapped in a kangaroo trap when suddenly an airplane flew overhead. Kumar was sitting in the window and he was wearing gloves!"

Trucy: You called it, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: *buries face in his hands*

"Kumar has gloves," said John Phoenix.

"Kumar has gloves?" repeated Edgeworth.

"Oh, then John Phoenix is innocent," said the judge.

"NOT SO FAST!" said Kumar. "Just because this silly man said I have gloves doesn't mean I have gloves. Also, he has a hat."

"But I don't have gloves," replied Emperor. "You have a hat."

"But I don't have gloves. You have a hat."

Trucy: This dialogue is making my head hurt.

Phoenix: Do we really need all this banter going on?

The judge slammed his gavel.

"It seems if Kumar doesn't have gloves, John Phoenix must die."

Emperor hopped out of the pouch. "Oh, well we can't have that." He took out his signature boomerang. "Time to throw some evidence on the barbie." He threw the boomerang and it went into Kumar Timalsina's pocket and came back with the gloves!

Edgeworth: Ugh...this Austrailian stereotyping is just insulting. Both to Austrailians and to the people reading this.

Apollo: And how would a boomerang be able to collect that, anyway? Is it a...magic evidence collecting boomerang or something?

"My god... gloves!" said the Judge. The gallery echoed his surprise. John Phoenix smirked.

"Kumar, how could you?"