Gender: Male
Location: The Shadow Realm
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2007 10:37 pm
Posts: 1320
It's time for yet again another one of my funnies, but first:

*Possesed* Time for a commercial...

Hi kids, I'm Matt Enguarde. I play TV's Nickel Samurai. Some people say I'm refreshing like a spring breeze due to my talent and charm, but that's not the reason. It's because of my favorite beverage...

CHOCOLATE MILK! I drink ten wine glasses of chocolate milk a day so I have the strong bones needed to disembowel my enemies and eat them for DINNER! So remember kiddies, drink your milk, or I will drain the blood from your corpse and drink it with MINE! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!

Hey, that's not very nice, O'Malley. We should be encouraging kids to drink milk, not threatening them.

Ohh shut up!
Got (Chocolate) Milk?Chinese Infantry presents (and assures you he's not making any profit off of):
FOUR GUYS (and one freeballer) NAKED IN A HOT TUB! It's unrehearsed, it's a discussion group, and guess what? EVERYBODY IS NAKED (except for Gumshoe, who is freeballing).
Your group members are: Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth (

), Former Chief of Police Damon Gant (

), Prosecutor/Pimp Godot (

), Detective Dick Gumshoe (

), and Defense Attorney, Group Moderator and all around awesome guy: PHOENIX WRIGHT! (

)

Once again, thanks for the intro. Also thanks for not blowing the entire budget on the intro. Ok, before we begin, there is an issue that has been the topic of quite some heated debate: Godot's name. Is it pronounced "Goh-Dot" As in "Connect the dot" or "Goh-do" as in "Tae Kwon Do". Godot, would you like to clear this up?

Sure would, bitch! Anyways, my name is pronounced "Goh-do". Like most French names containing a "T" at the end, the T in my name is silent. Therefore, anyone pronouncing my name "Goh-dot" will get a pimp slap across the face!

What about Chinese Infantry? He always pronounced it as "Goh-dot" until he sang the Godot Song and got criticized for pronouncing your name wrong.

Yeah, I know, and I already pimp slapped him for him.

Right... well enough of your name and pimp slapping, let's get started. Issue number 1: this guy:

. Otherwise known as the "Gay Chef Witness", he wears pink, holds a flower in his mouth, dances in the most girlish manner possible, owns a French Restaurant, and I'm pretty sure if GS3 was localized, he'd call people "honeybuns". Probably the most effeminate of any character in Gyakuten Saiban, popular opinion draws this guy as being gay. However, is he actually gay, or is it fan's confusion of the terms "Homosexual" and "Effeminate". Edgeworth, we start with you.

Once again, the fans are idiots. JUST BECAUSE HE WEARS PINK AND DANCES LIKE A FAIRY DOES NOT MEAN HE PREFERS MEN! I mean, take a look at Max Galactica: dresses like a fairy, calls everyone "sweetie" regardless of gender, but has an obvious crush on Regina. Now take a look at Zangief, a character from Street Fighter, another Capcom game. Jacked, rugged, a macho man, if you will. However, guess what he doesn't like: that's right, WOMEN. Since he doesn't like women, it can only mean he likes it UP THE BUTT!

You didn't even consider the possibility that he might be asexual...

That's not the point. What I'm trying to state is this is an example of the Capcom theory: The amount of gayness a person's appearance gives off is inversely proportional to how gay he actually is.

...So what you are trying to say is...

Yup. That's guy's straight as an arrow.

By your logic, you're probably even straighter than him, bitch!

Yeah, fuck you too.

Whatever, that sounds like a perfectly logical explanation. Gant, your opinion?

MY OPINION IS THAT HE IS ONE HOT HUNK OF A MAN. I'D LET HIM TENDERIZE MY VEAL ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!
(Once again, a legitimate theory from Edgeworth destroyed by your inane babbling.) Godot, can I ask you something?

What is it, bitch?

You're a pimp, right?

No shit I'm a pimp. What gave it away? The pimp hat, the hos, the "Coffee Pimp" ring, the pimp chains, or any of the other 10,000 hints?

Smartass comments aside. My question is: do you have a hot tub.

OF COURSE I DO, BITCH! WHAT SELF-RESPECTING PIMP DOESN'T?

Well then, why aren't we using yours instead of sitting in Gant's hot tub and listen to him further confirm his homosexuality.

BECAUSE MY HOT TUB IS RESERVED FOR ONLY ME AND MY HOS, BITCH! THE ONLY PENIS ALLOWED IN THAT HOT TUB IS MINE! ANYONE ELSE...

...Gets a pimp slap, I know...

NO! I WAS GOING TO SAY ANYONE ELSE GETS THEIR DICK CUT OFF, DEEP-FRIED AND THEN SERVED TO THEM!

I think I would have preferred if you just said "pimp slap" instead. Now then, it is your turn to speak: Is Hondobou gay or not?

Of course he's a fuckin' queer, bitch! The outfit, the hair, the fact that he's French. All of those things broadcast one message loud and clear: "I LIKE DICK IN MY MOUTH, BITCH!"

Once again, you forgot about the Capcom Theory.

Your theory blows, because already, you prove it wrong, bitch! I mean, you wear pink and more frills than a French Maid and still, every night, you take it up the ass from your butt-buddy Maruhodou.

Godot...

STOP LYING TO YOURSELVES. Just admit that every night, you two fuck each other to the point where your assholes are 3 cm in diameter wider than they used to be.

Just keep telling yourself that. Gumshoe...

Yeah, don't bother, I wasn't paying attention.

Hmm, good work. Ok, issue number 2: Why I like to suck Edgeworth's hard cock all day and all night. Wait...

HA HA HA HA HA! I KNEW IT BITCH! I KNEW YOU AN EDGEWORTH WERE FAGS FOR EACHOTHER! NICE OF YOU TO FINALLY ADMIT IT.

Actually, it would appear that a certain smartass pimp decided to cross off the topic I had on this card and replace it with his own.

Hey, I was doing you a service, bitch!

If you want to do me a service, you will keep your mouth shut until I get to you. Since the Coffee Pimp decided to cross off the topic I had, I'm just going to make one up: Issue number 2: Horsies! Are they pretty? Edgeworth, as always, you go first:

This isn't Celebrity Jeopardy! We are not all incapable of providing intelligent input, you know.

With the exception of you, that's hard to prove.

HEY, I PROVIDE INTELLIGENT INPUT, BITCH!

No, you provide obscene input and imply that me and Edgeworth are homosexuals.
(God, at least he doesn't make jokes about my mother.) 
You not a queer? That's not what your mother said to me last night, bitch!
(Me and my big thought text.) Gant, do you think horsies are pretty.

I LIKE HORSIES! RIDING THEM IS FUN!

Yeah, that's all good, but do you think they are pretty?

I ALSO LIKE TO MILK THE MALE HORSES!
(Too much information! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!) Uhh, on second thought, I'll just move onto Godot.

*Singing*
C is for Coffee! That's good enough for me!
C is for Coffee! That's good enough for me!
C is for Coffee! That's good enough for me! OHHH!
Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, starts with C! AHHHH!

Ok, you're ripping off Sesame Street's Cookie Monster instead of participating, so...

I'm practicing for my role in a children's T.V. Show as the Coffee Monster, bitch!

Since when do pimps star in children's T.V. shows?

Ever since The National Association of Overprotective Politically Correct Soccer Moms threw a hissy fit and changed Cookie Monster into "Health-Food Hippie Monster", bitch! I feel it is my duty to teach children the wonders and joy of the playa's drink of choice: Coffee. That, and Cookie Monster was Chinese Infantry's favorite Sesame Street character when he was a kid, bitch!

It's true...

Ok, now that we've established the bastardization of Chinese Infantry's favorite Sesame Street character, lets discuss the matter at hand: are horsies pretty?

Horsies suck, bitch! Anyone who likes them also sucks. As for them being pretty: hell no! They are butt-ugly!

Wow, you actually managed to answer the question without making a reference to homosexuality or pimp slapping.

Also, Maruhodou and Edgeworth fuck eachother in the ass and I want to pimp-slap everyone who loves horsies!

Ok, why?

Because I hate you, bitch!

Trust me, the feeling is mutual.

That's exactly what your mother said last night, bitch!
(Good lord, what have I done!) Ok, Godot: go fuck yourself and die. Gumshoe: Answer this. Are horsies pretty or not? Yes or no. Just tell me: are horsies pretty. You can even lie to me and say yes if you really mean no. JUST SAY YES OR NO!

Yes or no!
(Why do I even try? He's only intelligent when he has a tape from Maya's discussion group.) Once again, we reach a new low. Ok, issue number 3:

. What crawled up her ass and made her such a fucking bitch? Seriously, I feel sorry that Pearls had to be raised by such a bitch. Edgeworth, start us off.

There is a song I'd like to sing about that!

Huh?

Weeeeeeeeeeell, Pearl's Mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednesday thru Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday just to be different,
Shes a super king kamehameha BIATCH!
Have you ever met my friend Pearl's Mom,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair,
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch, Pearl's Mom's a bitch,
And she's such a dirty bitch.
I REALLY MEAN IT, PEARL'S MOM! SHE'S A BIG FAT FUCKING BIIIIIIIIITCH! BIG OLD FAT FUCKING RIGHT NOOOOOW! YEAH! CHAAAA!

Edgeworth, you sang the exact same South Park parody about Franziska in the "React with Similies Topic".

So? What's your point?

My point is you are bland and unoriginal. Gant, let's hear from you.

THERE'S A...

I don't want to hear it!

...good reason why Morgan Fey is a bitch!
Whew!) Ok, in that case, go on.

It's because she is a woman, and women cannot be trusted. THAT'S WHY I PREFER MEN.

Ermm, to any women who just read that, I apologize for what Gant said.

And furthermore...
(Gant, I don't need more angry phone calls than I already get!) Aaaaaaand shut it! Gumshoe, let's hear from...

NOT SO FAST, BITCH!

I really thought that would work.

Well, you were wrong, you Edgeworthfucker!

Whatever, now that you have the floor, give your opinion
(Great, I think I know where this is going.) 
Well you know why Morgan Fey is a bitch? She was born with a STICK UP HER ASS! At the age of eight, she finally managed to remove the stick from her ass, only to have it replaced with a WOODEN PLANK. Then it became a metal pole, a barb wire fence, a statue of Stalin, and finally, A LIVE BADGER!

WHAT?

That's right, the reason Morgan Fey is a bitch is because she has a LIVE BADGER STUCK UP HER ASS!

Godot?

What, bitch?

That is probably the dumbest theory I've ever heard. There is no way there is a live badger up Morgan Fey's ass!
*Meanwhile, at the Hotti Clinic*

Hmm, yes, after "careful" examination, I think I have found the reason for your moodiness.

Well, what is it then?

During the examination, I found this furry animal *points to badger in cage* lodged in your hindquarters. I had to carefully extract it from your hindquarters and then move it to a proper storage unit.

In English, please!

There was a live badger stuck up your ass and I had to pull it out.

....

...Hmm, yes. I also found other things, including a piece of the stick that was founded jammed up your ass when you were eight, splinters from the wooden plank, the metal pole they never managed to pull out, needles from the barb wired fence, and a bronze version of Stalin's Head.

...Right, well am I all better now!

You should be, hmm, yes...

Good, now people will stop calling me a bitch *leaves*

Hmm, now where did I leave that midget patient with tourette's syndrome I was dealing with before?
*Back at the hot tub*

Normally, I would ignore Gumshoe because he is an idiot, but right now, I'm convinced nothing he says can be more idiotic than what Godot just suggested.

It's ok, I am an idiot.

At least you are honest.
(Ok, at this point, something really sketchy happens and I always have to call off the show.) Issue...number.......4?

...

...

...

...
(That's a relief.) 
...WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO TELL US WHAT ISSUE NUMBER 4 IS, BITCH?
(No, I was waiting for Winston Payne to show up naked and freak us all out.) ...Right. Issue Number 4:

...

We already went over him, bitch! We decided he was a spiky hair twat who should die.

I wasn't finished.

and

. The GS4 versions of me and Edgeworth. Since already so many people think that me and Edgeworth are a homosexual couple...

*coughbecauseyouarecoughbitch!cough*

...Especially Godot, is

/

going to because the next big Yaoi pairing when GS4 is released? For this topic, I've decided to do something different. First, I have a special guest: Maya Fey!

*Walks in naked* Hi guys! *hops in next to Phoenix*

ARE YOU UNDER 18?

Umm, no...

OK, NOT INTERESTED!

I thought you said no women allowed in the hot tub, bitch!

...That was Edgeworth. Anyways, what I am going to do is divide you into debate teams of two: It will be Edgeworth and Gant Vs. Godot and Gumshoe.

What, I have to be with the flaming child molester! Goddammit!

I'll swap you for the complete dumbass, bitch!

Those are the teams and they aren't changing. Now what you will do is each take a side of this issue and debate over it, making points until a decision is made. Remember, you can talk more than once and you don't have to go in order.

So where does Maya fall into all of this.

Meanwhile, while you guys are spouting inane babble, I will be making out with Maya. Ready, go!
*

and

begin making out*

I would like to establish first that yes, Odoroki/Kyouya will most likely be a fan pairing with some momentum. However, I highly doubt it will be the dominant pairing, like (unfortunately) Phoenix/Me. First of all, no fanart or fanfiction has popped up featuring the two yet...

I ALREADY STARTED DRAWING PICTURES OF THEM AS A GAY COUPLE, YOU WANNA SEE?

You don't count, because you molest children.

That is because GS4 ain't even out yet, bitch! Fangirls don't have the excuses yet. Trust me, come the release, they will find one line and then all the sudden, pictures of the two having buttsex will pop up all over the internet.

No, you see, the reason Phoenix/Me is so popular is because we actually have history together. We were good friends in grade school, along with Larry. Therefore, by that logic, it appears that we must be gay.

I know! As a matter of fact, there is a LiveJournal community entirely dedicated to you three fucking each other in the ass, bitch!

That's not the point. The point is: So far, no past history between Odoroki and Kyouya has been confirmed.

Who's Kyouya?

You know what, bitch? Why don't you and Gant talk about horsies or something and let the intelligent ones debate.

YAAAY, I LIKE HORSIES!

...Me too!

Anyways, it doesn't matter. Fangirls are going to find some way. Apparently, a lot of these idiots come from the "Opposites Attract" school of thought as well as the "Fuck het, I'm a big fucking Yaoi Nut" school of thought. It happens in every fandom: Harry/Draco from Harry Potter, Cloud/Sephiroth from Final Fantasy, Sonic/Shadow from Sonic the Hedgehog, Kyle/Stan from South Park...

Kyle and Stan were best friends, you dumbass!

Fine then, Kyle/Cartman.

However, none of those, besides Kyle/Stan, which doesn't count because it went against the "Opposites Attract" theory, are the dominant pairing of the fandom. Phoenix/Me, on the other hand, is.

So?

The question was, as I quote: "is

/

going to because the next big Yaoi pairing when GS4 is released?" implying will it be as popular as Phoenix/Me when the game is released. I answered no because so far, nothing links the two together besides being on opposites sides of the courtroom.
*Other side of the hot tub*

*Moaning, then stops* Nick, stop!

What? Don't you like it when I do that?

No, I do like it, it's just I don't feel comfortable doing it with all of those guys over there watching.

Don't worry, honey, they are probably too busy insult each other's moms to even notice us.

Could we perhaps go someplace more private?

Ok, Maya, for you. *kisses Maya's cheek*
*Whole hot tub*

Ok, did you guys reach a conclusion?

Nope.

No, bitch!

I TALKED ABOUT HORSIES!

...Me too!

That's too bad, because I'm wrapping the show up right now.

What? We haven't been interrupted by some horny naked man yet. Why are you stopping early?

Because as you would say, Edgeworth: Maya and I need our alone time together.

Hey, you're making Edgey jealous now, bitch!

Godot, fuck you! Anyways, next episode, if we get any good ideas for it, we'll take about even more fascinating topics that will possibly scar you for life, kind of like Godot's face!

I RESENT THAT, BITCH!

See! I can be an insulting prick too! MEETING ADJOURNED!
*

and

go off to...well I think you can figure out for yourself, judging by who is writing this*
I yell "OBJECTION!" in the court sometimes!
Last edited by Chinese Infantry on Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:03 am, edited 2 times in total.