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Shiki's Collective Stories Thread of Epic~ (UPD: 2011/10/23)Topic%20Title
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「これが、モノを殺すと言うことだ…!」

Gender: Male

Location: Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 4:00 pm

Posts: 1520

Yeah yeah yeah, so the introduction text this thread originally has no longer applies (mostly), if only for the fact that it now serves as a central hub for everything I've written. Only a line or two do:
I wrote:
In order to avoid copying/pasting the same stuff over and over again, I ultimately decided to post a link to my fanfic archive site. As it isn't a site where users can interact in any way, it can't exactly be called advertising, since I don't keep track of visitors or anything of the sort. Plus, my site is always more up to date than any other place where I publish my stuff, so it's easier to just check there for any new additions.
(Okay, so that was like four or five lines, so sue me.)


DZ's/Shiki's Ace Attorney Story Corner


This first post will contain any and all updates of any longfics I decide to write (right now limited to, as of today, my only longfic, "Please Teacher!"), as well as announcements on any regular new fics I write, either prompted by the Kink Meme (on which I've resigned myself to partially lose my anonymity in exchange of having more people enjoying what I write =p ), or by personal choice or ideas.

Oh, and there's also one more line that applies to this revamped first post, from the original one:
I wrote:
I hope you enjoy my works. n_n


=p




Currently on-going long stories updates:
None so far since 2009/09/05; last update was the unveiling of the title of my longfic, and the posting of the fifth chapter.

Spoiler: Please Teacher!, Chapter 1
"Man, being here brings back so many memories..."

The young man wearing a white lab coat mumbled with a smile to himself, as he walked through the hallway of the old Kurain Village High School building towards the teachers' lounge. His spiky hair distinctive enough, he was attracting the curious looks of the passerby students, who eyed him with a kind of uncertain feeling -- not sure enough whether to trust him, but with the gut feeling that this man wasn't a complete bastard like some of the teachers in that school were. His bright eyes and sincere smile added to this, and he was politely waving hi to anyone who actually stopped in their tracks to look at him, which usually caused either getting a smile and a wave back from the boys, or a smile and a blush from the girls.

He felt elated -- finally his dream had come true. He had become a science teacher, and was given the glorious task of instructing and helping young minds develop themselves for the future. And feeling he was giving a pretty good impression at the swarm of teens that walked around him, he went into the teachers' office with a very bright disposition, ready to give his all.

"Um, hello?"

A voice from the back answered him. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Oh, thank God there's someone here, I was afraid it'd be empty. Yes, my name is Phoenix Wright, and I was recently hired by the Chief Principal Mia Fey, so here I am, ready to start my first day of work." His dilligent disposition oozed enthusiasm, and the aide in the almost entirely vacated office couldn't help but smile back.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Wright. Can you give me a moment here? I'll fetch your first class notes for you... I think you'll be having a busy day today."

"Well, I'm looking forward to it."

***

A few minutes later, and he was readying everything in the science lab, excited to meet his first batch of students. Before he left the office, he had insisted on requesting the files on everyone from his first class from the aide, so he could have a look at who was having trouble with what, and how he could help them. He was a fast reader, so for a class of some fifteen kids he had hoped to finish skimming over the profiles before class started... And then he got to the last name in the list: "Maya Fey". This sparked a smile and a couple of thoughts.

'Fey, huh? Must be a relative of the Principal's... There's not many people with that name out there, so I'm almost sure they're related. Well, one less person I have to worry about -- if she takes after her brilliant sister, I won't need to make the slightest effort with her and she'll pass with flying colors.'

Replacing the files on his desk, he started rummaging in the drawers for some chalk at the same time as the rumble of incoming students started to sound in his ears. Receiving them all with a very bright and warm smile, he beckoned them to rearrange the class area seats in a half circle around his desk, instead of the usual lines. The sixteen- and seventeen-year old boys and girls looked at each other with a slightly puzzled expression as they reorganized the seats according to his wishes. His lips, stretched in a wide smile, showed perfect white teeth, almost shining brighter than the sunlight that entered the room through the glass windows.

"The very best of mornings to all of you, boys and girls. I'm Phoenix Wright, and I'm going to be your new science teacher for the year. As you can probably guess, I am a bit young, and therefore don't have much experience, but I hope we can all work together so we make this class fun, and all learn new things from both this subject and each other." His introductory speech incited timid smiles among the students -- he considered this a good reaction and went on. "So for our first day I want us all to do mainly two things. The second thing we'll be doing is learning, or remembering, a bit about movement physics. But that comes later. Instead, the first thing I want us all to do is to stand up, tell us all your names, how old are you, what are you hoping from this class, and how you think we can make it fun for everyone, alright?" Smiles and nods littered the seats. "So umm... Let's see, according to the attendance list, Cody Hackins should be here. Who's Cody? If you're here, please stand up, kiddo."

A boy with freckles stood up at his call with a miffed face and a slightly ticked off expression.

"I'm Cody Hackins, 16 years old. So I'm no kiddo!"

"Haha, sorry, I just tend to call everyone younger than me a kid... It's just a bad habit I've slipped into, nothing more. But I really mean nothing of it, I hope you all understand." Apologizing, he approached the boy who had just introduced himself, and extended his hand. "Friends?"

Slightly taken aback by his new teacher actually apologizing to him and treating him with a surprising level of respect, the boy felt his anger go away immediately, and shook hands. "Er, sure, alright."

"So what are you hoping for this subject, Cody?"

"Well, I wanna be a movie stunt prop designer, so I wanna learn as much as I can from chemistry and physics to design machines and stuff that can help actors play their roles better!"

"You know, that's a pretty awesome goal. Alright, tell you what, kid. Keep doing your best effort in class, and maybe we can hang out sometime and try some stuff with my friend Larry -- he's a grip boy at Global Studios, so I'm sure he can teach you a few things. Sounds cool?"

"Wow, awesome! Thanks, Mr. Wright!"

"Er, you know, regarding that..." The older man spoke, half laughing. "I think I prefer to be called just Phoenix, or anything you might like, but not that. Mr. Wright sounds a bit too high and mighty, and we're all supposed to be friends here, aren't we?" The room at wide laughed and nodded, and so continued the introductions as he passed through the roll call.

At the last name, he hesitated for a split second, then called, "Alright now, last one: is Maya Fey here?"

And from one of the seats behind some of the other students stood up one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She had sparkling eyes, smooth skin, and raven-black waist-length hair tied at the bottom with a small hair ball, and small knot at the top, holding a bit of her hair in a bun. Her expression would have been beautiful as well, if it hadn't been because the redness of her cheeks failed to hide the bashfulness that was evidently eating her at that moment.

"H-Hi, I'm M-Maya." She stammered. But why the shyness? "I-I'm 17, and... And I l-like science and stuff... So yeah..." And almost drowning her last words, she sunk as low as she could in her seat to prevent Phoenix from seeing the embarrased steam that was surely coming out of her ears now. The other students couldn't help but notice this, and a massive fit of suppressed giggles engulfed the entire room. Low murmurs of "ooooooh"s and "aaaaaah"s could be heard throughout the place, and all sights focused discreetly on the now beet-red Maya, who had an anguished expression on her face that seemed to say "earth, please swallow me now". A slight shade of pink tinged Phoenix's cheeks at this, and turning his back to the class, he started writing some physics formulas on the whiteboard as a way of controlling himself and calming down, while saying, with a slightly raised voice, "All right, everyone, enough joking around, now let's get this show on the road!"

The class was spent without any further notable events, other than Maya answering a question from Phoenix and blushing again at the bright smile he gave her, and soon enough, everyone packed their books and started to take off towards different classrooms. However, Maya seemed to linger behind. This went completely unnoticed by Phoenix until they were the last two in the classroom, when the young girl approached his desktop, on which he was once again immersed in checking students' profiles.

"Umm... Mr. Phoenix?"

Not expecting hearing anyone after the group left, he was a bit surprised seeing Maya standing in front of him. Raising his head, he asked with an encouraging smile, "What's up, Maya?"

"Umm... W-well, I-I just wanted to say t-that I'm sorry..."

"Huh? Sorry for what?" His completely bemused expression echoed the questioning tone of his voice.

"W-well... For having acted embarrased back then... And making the class laugh at you... A-and--"

"Hahahaha, nah, there's nothing to worry about. It's natural to feel embarrased and shy in front of someone you don't know." Standing up, he picked up a chair nearby and placed it in front of his desk, then went around it and sat on his own chair. "Come, sit here." Maya obediently did as he said, and bowed her head down.

"Trust me, I've been there, I was a student too. I know how it feels to get embarrassed by your classmates, and you know how I got over it? By actually talking to them and telling them I was embarrassed. You guys are about finishing the process of growing up and becoming adults, so it's not surprising to think that your fellow students can be a lot more open and comprehending than you probably guess." His kind words were accompanied by a warm and confident smile, and he gave her a small wink. This seemed to lift her mood a bit, since she actually smiled back. It was the cutest smile he had ever seen, he had to admit it.

"And you know the most curious part of it? Guess who was it that taught me this."

"No idea, who?"

"Your sister, Chief Fey." Maya's mouth took the shape of a perfect, comical O. He smirked. "Yeah, she used to be my tutor in my first year of college, and even though we were doing completely different subjects -- me, science, and her, educational psychology -- she taught me a couple really useful things that I've noticed come in handy in situations similar to this one."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like what we're doing just now and talking about you feeling embarrased. As the old adage goes, talking about a problem is the first step to overcoming it, isn't it?"

Spoiler: Please Teacher!, Chapter 2
Several months later, class was in full force. The students from Maya's class had gotten accustomed to their really cool teacher, and the strange rumors of an awesome science teacher permeating the school had gotten squashed by the even stranger truth of him being not just an awesome teacher, but an awesome friend of everyone that once took an entire class to the pool to have a special physics class about waves and their behavior in liquids, and another time took them to the chemical plant in the next town over so they could see how things like food colorants and suchlike were made, after which they all enjoyed an ice cream each courtesy of the factory. Phoenix was quickly growing in popularity as everyone's favorite teacher because of his unusual teaching methods, and this seemed to boost the students' morale and wishes to improve themselves, so everyone was positively impacted by his arrival to the school.

Except for Maya. Or rather, ESPECIALLY Maya.

After having talked to him several times for advice and talking to her classmates, she had improved a lot and wasn't bashful or shy anymore in his class, but the fact that she was smitten with Phoenix was an open secret. Her grades were always high, and having asked him so much for advice, she'd gotten to call him "Mr. Nick", an unusually close nickname, which only bolstered suspicions. But he was delicate enough to feign ignorance, and not talk about it in front of the other students or teachers.

Weeks passed, and their relationship only kept getting closer. They'd go out for burgers sometimes, sometimes they'd meet at the library to discuss science projects, sometimes they'd just happen to meet on the streets and the ice cream parlor would exert an inescapable attraction over them. They enjoyed each other's company, and most of all, they'd grown to have confidence and trust in each other, much more than Phoenix felt with even his closest friend, good old Edgeworth, who had applied as a Physical Education teacher at a school in the neighboring town. (Then again, everyone in Edgeworth's circle of close acquaintances knew that he was head over heels over his childhood friend Franziska von Karma, who just happened to be a Mathematics teacher in the very same school he had gotten a job at, so it wasn't really a surprise for anyone.)

Soon, the school's science fair was approaching, and everyone was busy preparing their projects. Maya's class had agreed on preparing a volcano simulation, which combined elements from both chemistry and physics, for their class project, so they were all spending more and more time huddled together in the science lab with their spiky-hared teacher, discussing the ins and outs of how to approach their work. This also meant more time spent with the young Maya, so Phoenix was, naturally, secretly very happy about this.

The project deadline was coming fast and everyone that wasn't particularly jumpy was always to be found behind books, working with machinery, or mixing solutions in the lab to finish building their homemade volcano. One particular day, however, found Maya and Phoenix looking for some old plastics and pieces of rope in the sports shed -- the place was covered floor to ceiling with stands for balls, bats, nets, and even some strange trinkets no one would think would be appropriate to have inside a sports shed, but the fact was that they were there. This, on top of the very poor lighting and the lack of windows, meant the place was usually in semidarkness at best. However, the pair was almost done picking up old deflated balls and tangled pieces of nets at the very back of the shed...

...When a very distinctive click sounded in their ears like a cannon blast, coming from a few meters away. Phoenix and Maya gazed at each other for a second, then quickly covered the distance between them and the doors, and started clicking the handle. It was futile.

They'd been locked inside.

Needless to say, Maya went immediately into overdrive freakout mode. "OH MY GOD, MR. NICK!! WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?! THERE'S NO WAY TO GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT SOMEONE TO UNLOCK FROM THE OUTSIDE!! WHAT IF NOBODY NOTICES WE'RE GONE AND WE GET STUCK HERE?!?!" Phoenix was feeling a bit scared of their situation -- indeed, what if no one ever noticed their disappearance? -- but told himself he had to be firm, not just for his own sake, but for his young student and friend as well. And somehow, Maya's panic steadied him. A stupid thought crossed his mind: it was almost as if she was freaking out enough for the both of them.

"Maya, calm down, please."

"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?! AND WE LEFT OUR CELL PHONES IN THE CLASSROOM!! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...!" Tears were already shining bright below her eyes.

"Maya, please, calm down, come on---"

"OH GOD!! WHAT IF WE END UP ASPHYXIATING HERE?! THERE'S NO WINDOWS IN THIS SHED!! OH MY GOD...!!" Unable to say anything else, she started sobbing and twisting her arms; she looked a bit demented.

"I SAID CALM DOWN, MAYA!!" His sudden raised tone surprised not just Maya, but himself. She looked at him with eyes of pure terror, and in the time it took her to wildly shake her head to look at her surroundings, probably thinking of finding a good object with which to hit him just in case, he had reached her and hugged her stronger than she'd ever been hugged before. In her panic, she fought it at first, but slowly felt the warmth in those firm, muscular arms, felt his heart racing almost as fast as her own heart was right now. Little by little, her breathing steadied down, and she surprised herself at suddenly noticing that she was hugging him back, and resting her head on his chest. Without her noticing, he had been stroking her head for a while now, in an attempt to get her to calm down. She relished the sensation of his hands on her hair, tracing its natural flow down towards her back with a delicate touch, and felt the butterflies she never knew she had inside doing backflips in the pit of her stomach.

A few minutes passed, both of them with their arms locked around the other, before Phoenix finally broke the silence.

"It seems almost foolish to ask, but... Have you calmed down now?"

"...Yes. I-I'm... I'm very sorry about that, Mr. Nick. I really am, I'm so, so sorry."

Phoenix eased up a bit and pulled his young friend towards some nearby crates, sat down, and gestured for Maya to sit down beside him. She did, placing both feet on the crates too, and hiding her face between her knees. The fiery shade of scarlet that now tinged her face was even noticeable down to her neck.

Phoenix noticed this and chuckled to himself quietly, before asking in a normal voice, "What made you snap like that, though? I was very surprised, I didn't think the normally quiet Maya would flip out like you did a few minutes ago." Maya's rubied tint shone even brighter.

"I... Well, it's just that... When I was a little girl--"

'You still are, it seems,' thought Phoenix to himself, 'but for some reason that only makes you cuter.'

"--I was deathly afraid of being left alone in dark places like this one, and I used to cry and cry until Sis would come and get me out of wherever I was. I-I kinda haven't really gotten over the sinking feeling in my stomach, and th-that's why I reacted like that before... I'm sorry, Mr. Nick. I didn't mean to explode like that. I'm really sorry."

"You know... Mind if I do something that could potentially be considered inappropriate?"

"Eh?! Wha---"

And without waiting for an answer, he threw his arm over her and squeezed her against himself in a half hug. It almost seemed impossible, but Maya managed to somehow turn her skin even redder when he felt his face resting on her head, and how he'd given her a kiss on her bangs, and stroked her arm with his hands, and said in a low voice, "Whatever might have happened in the past, it's in the past, Maya. You need to learn to let the past go and live in the present, because living in the present is what makes a bright future. And I don't know about you, but in MY present, I'm not worried at all, not even a bit, because whatever happens, I'm here with one of my best friends."

Once again, her previously undocumented butterflies started making a ruckus in her insides as if they'd be having a party, and she sort of naturally felt herself resting her body on his chest, cuddling herself under his arm and placing her head on his shoulder. She felt his breathing and his heart, beating rythmically along with the rising of his chest, and unconsciously moved to accomodate herself more snuggly under his arm. Phoenix had never stopped stroking her arm with his hugging hand, and this seemed to soothe both her heart and her worries.

A low voice was all she could muster, but he could feel her smile on his chest. "...Thank you, Mr. Nick."

"Don't mention it."

Spoiler: Please Teacher!, Chapter 3
They remained like that for a very long time, the silence breaking only by the muffled sounds that came from the outside. Resting his head against the wall, Phoenix had taken to closing his eyes and pointing his face towards the ceiling, as if looking for inspiration for something. Little did he know that his young friend had fallen asleep under his arm, and the position they were in was literally starting to hurt now -- his arm and shoulder were starting to have a very uncomfortable tingling sensation, and his forearm and hand were starting to get numb. He chanced a glance at his watch -- ah, no wonder, since it was already 8PM...

'Wait what?! 8PM already?!' They've been trapped in there for more than six or seven hours, but a thought consoled him -- this was about the time the night janitor did his rounds before going home, so they had a chance of getting out now. He turned his head to the peacefully sleeping young girl resting her body on his.

"Maya?" he whispered. No response. "...Knock knock, Maya, anyone home?" Still nothing. "Come on, Sleeping Beauty, your prince needs you awake..."

And more for this last remark than for his voice being particularly loud (which it wasn't), Maya stirred feebly. Initially unaware of her surroundings, she yawned lightly with a contented smile; then, suddenly opening her eyes as wide as tennis balls, she let out a squeal and did some sort of strange mix betwee a jump and a kind of squiggling motion that ended up falling flat on her back on the floor, hitting her head and yelping in pain.

"OWWWWIE!!"

Phoenix, half laughing, half concerned, stood up quickly to help her get up, but in his haste, he tripped with his friend's foot, and ended up falling beside her.

"Gah!"

Both on the floor, they looked at each other, and merely seconds after, they were both laughing their hearts out. For some reason, hearing each other's laugh made them feel at ease, and as they picked themselves up and sat down again on the crates, wide grins wouldn't leave their faces.

"Hahahaha... Ah, I'm sorry about that, Mr. Nick. I didn't mean to make you fall like that." Maya was still giggling.

"Heh, nothing to worry about, thankfully. But I got to see something very beautiful and very interesting tonight, so I can't complain."

"Really? What was it?"

"...You should already know about it. After all, you were at the center of it all." Phoenix smiled and blushed a bit.

"I was?" Maya wore a completely bemused expression. "How so?"

"...Are you forgetting you just spent the last four or five hours sleeping on my arm?"

"Huh?!" Maya's befuddlement pronounced even further.

Unable to meet her gaze, Phoenix looked away, and after very pointedly clearing his throat and going red to the very tips of his hair spikes, said in a rather stiff voice, "...Y-you look v-very cute when you sleep, Maya."

"I wha--- Wait, what?!" Her cheeks hot enough to be able to fry an egg on them, the only thing that came to her mind was looking fixedly at the floor. Had she heard correctly? Had Mr. Nick just called her "cute"? And oh my god, Mr. Nick had just seen her sleeping...! 'Oh god, I'm so embarrassed...!'

...But wait a moment. Hadn't Mr. Nick blushed when he called her cute? Could it be...? '...Sink or swim, Maya! This is the perfect chance to find out what he thinks!'

"Eh-hee-hee... Y-y'know, Mr. Nick... Y-your arms are p-pretty c-c-c-comfortable too..."

"Huh? Oh, ah, eh, heh heh, i-is that so...?" Phoenix had no idea why he was stammering so much, or why he was feeling as if he had a circus in plain performance in the very pit of his stomach right now... But he had to admit, it WAS a good feeling. So good, that when he finally mustered the courage to actually turn his head and look at his young pupil, and found her eyes looking hungrily at him with a very red face and a very flustered expression, and saw her lips mouthing the word Nick, those red, delicate lips, nearly all thoughts seemed to be blocked from his brain... That she was a minor, that he was her teacher, that this was probably illegal... The fact that this felt so wrong, and at the same time, so right, seemed to wipe everything else from his mind... And slowly, very slowly, he started closing the small gap between their faces...

Spoiler: Please Teacher!, Chapter 4
And then, the world tripped on its own feet and fell crashing and burning loudly around him, for at that precise moment, the door rang with the familiar click of the lock being undone, and swung open, showing the shapely silhouette of Chief Principal Mia Fey, sister of Maya, owner of the school, and probably most importantly, HIS BOSS. And she found him like this. Locked up in a shed. About to kiss her sister. In a rather questionable position.

'...Well fuck. I guess I can kiss this job goodbye. And probably the rest of my reputation as well.'

There was no sense in trying to pretend that nothing had happened, or was about to happen, since their current appearance pretty much gave away the scene without the need for words. Mia, brightly illuminated from the back, shined like a ghostly appearance as she walked towards them. Both, trembling head to toe, waited for the worst.

But, surprisingly enough, she drew closer to them and placed her hands on her hips, and bent over to more closely look at them, and they were astonished to find a rather complicit and devilish smile in her lips, which gave way to her saying, "Hello, you two. I, ah... Imagined you'd be here."

The utter surprise of not getting yelled at left Phoenix incapable of stringing two letters together, but Maya still found enough presence of spirit to stammer throatily, "S-Sis!" Mia was still smiling roguishly.

"No questions. Stand up, both of you, and come with me. We've got things to talk about." Her delicious, unmistakable british accent (self-imposed, as Phoenix found out when Mia tutored him in his college years), betrayed a hint of amusement in her words. Turning back, her long, almond-colored hair delicately swishing behind her, she approached the door, and with a half turn, beckoned the two very surprised youngsters to follow her, and ended up sitting in her office. The older woman gestured for the other two to take the seats before her desk, and almost before his buttocks finished settling on the chair, Phoenix sprung into talking.

"Listen, Mi--- I mean, listen, Chief, I can explain thi---"

Comfortably sitting in a wheeled, chintz armchair, Mia raised a hand to his past understudy, now employee, implicitly demanding silence. At which reaction, Maya felt the urgent need to talk. "Sis, please, let him expl--- or wait, I can explain it too---"

"No, I don't think I want explanations. Rather, I want honesty and sincerity from you two. Phoenix, please leave the room for a moment. I'll call you back in a few seconds."

"B-but Chief---" Mia's expression suddenly switched from playful to stern in the blink of an eye. The change was so abrupt that Phoenix gave a start.

"Phoenix, I believe I said out."

He had no choice but to comply, and as he closed the door behind him, Mia stood up and locked it, then approached her desk and supported herself on it, right in front of her sister. There was that devilish smile again.

"Maya, I only want to hear one word from your mouth. I want no explanations. I just want a straight answer."

Completely disconcerted, Maya blinked rapidly.

"...Okay, I guess?"

"I know Phoenix. I've known him since his high school years, and you know that -- I had a part-time job as his tutor when I was in college, and you know I still kept tutoring him for free when I graduated and he entered college himself. He's a good man, I know he had a good upbringing, and I trust him more than I trust most people. I hired him here without an interview when I saw his application because I knew who and how he was, and is."

"...And what does all that have to do with me?"

"We're coming to that. Unlike what you've probably been thinking, I DO pay attention to the rumors in my school, even if only for informational value, to know what's going on. So I know how the hearsay goes about you, and about Phoenix."

Maya stared at her sister. Suddenly changing at the speed of light into a serious face, Mia looked pointedly into her little sister's eyes.

"Again, I warn you. I don't want explanations: I want an answer; a single word should be enough. Maya... Do you like him?"

Maya wanted to look away, wanted to hide the shame and the redness that covered her entire face to the whites of her eyes, but was unable to pull away from Mia's hypnotic gaze. Completely cornered and with nowhere to run, she decided the best way out was telling the truth, in the hopes that the sour moment went away faster. So, with a croaky voice due to her throat being completely dry, she managed to get one word out of her system.

"...Yes."

And hearing this unique, three-lettered word was enough to make Mia smile widely, throw her head back smugly, kneel in front of her little sister's chair, and hug her, leaving her completely bewildered. "...S-Sis? ...Mia?"

"That's all I wanted to hear. Thank you, Maya."

"B-but what...?"

"What did I mean with this?"

"...YES!"

"Oh, well, that's simple. You heard me a few moments ago talking about how much I appreciate Phoenix, not just as an employee, not only as a pupil, but as a friend too."

"...So?"

"So there's something I didn't mention. Phoenix is someone that has the unfortunately bad habit of actually going out of his way to help people, and in his good intentions, he's turned out to be extremely naive. He wouldn't notice someone was taking advantage of him until it was bleedingly obvious."

"...So?!"

"Did you know that he was the one who introduced me to Diego? They used to play basketball together."

"Your fiancé? No! How come?"

"Yes, it was him. And knowing that he's probably too good for his own benefit, one of the reasons I hired him here was because I wanted to repay him a bit for his kindness. That, and..."

"And what?" Maya was on edge already, and Mia was relishing every moment of it. She loved her sister very much, but she also loved teasing the hell out of her even more.

"And I wanted to surreptitiously help him find someone he could connect to. As far as I know, he's never been a playboy, but he's had several girlfriends, and all end up dumping him after using him. Regrettably, his good nature doesn't let him feel angry at them, which makes me feel a bit miffed."

"And what does all this have to do with me?"

"It has everything to do with you, Maya, because from the moment I saw his first class with you, and the more I've seen you sharing time together, I've come to the conclusion that you're probably the best girl he could ever get in this lifetime, and probably a few others. And I've also come to the conclusion that it's the same the other way around -- he's a complete gentleman, and someone anyone can entrust their heart to without fear of being betrayed." Mia hugged her sister again, and started stroking her head. Maya's insides were going from bewildered to euphoric.

"So... So..."

"So yes, I approve of you liking him," completed Mia with a smile, after which her expression became slightly stern again. "However, under two conditions."

"Name them."

"You're still a minor. Anything that might go on between you two needs to fulfill these two conditions: one, don't do it in public, and two, don't have sex. Breaking either one of these could mean serious legal trouble for you, him, and the entire school." Maya gulped.

"But as long as you adhere to those, I'm okay with you dating Phoenix... Or Nick, as you like to call him nowadays." The younger woman blushed and smiled sheepishly. "...Come here, you little beautiful thing, you." And with the widest smile yet, Mia hugged her sister very tightly, who was now nearly jumping in excitement. Mia then walked to the very back of the office and opened a door into a small walk-in closet.

"Now come with me, you need get out of here. Wait for me in the car." Maya entertained for a flash the thought that her sister might have gone insane, but after seeing her disappear inside the relatively small closet, she heard a very curious click from inside.

"...Wha...?"

"It's an emergency door. I had it installed several months ago; it leads to the very back of the hallway around the corner, near the back stairs. Run down there and you'll come out right by the parking lot. Here's the key." Wide-eyed, Maya goggled at her sister, who threw her another devilish smile, a complicit wink, and a confession in a low voice, "Well, it's pretty useful when undesirable people are blocking my regular way out by sitting in the lobby." Maya couldn't help but giggle, and taking the keys, she went out the door indicated by her sister, and ran downstairs, eventually locking herself inside her sister's car, with her heart racing and beating faster than a machine gun. She had a nagging suspicion it wasn't just because of the running.

Spoiler: Please Teacher!, Chapter 5
Once alone again inside her office, Mia straightened her clothes, adjusted her blazer and corset so her ample cleavage would be much more pronounced, and erased her excited smile from her face, replacing it with a completely neutral expression. It was in this manner that she approached the main office door and ushered the completely bewildered Phoenix inside. He sat down in the very same chair he had taken just a few minutes ago, his face contorted in an exquisite mix of fear and bemusement.

"So... Phoenix. Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix. Where to begin." This line only served the purpose of alarming him even more than he already was.

"Chief--no, Mia, please, let me expla---"

"Phoenix, for the second time, silence unless asked or ordered to talk. Interrupt me a third time and I won't be as lenient as to merely tell you off. Am I clear?" Her expression was impassive. Experience had taught Phoenix to fear that expression more than the devil incarnate itself.

"...Yes, I'm sorry." Somehow, the longer the conversation went on (and it had just been going for a couple of seconds), the more he could sense his fear mounting in him.

"Good. As I requested earlier, I suggest you be honest. It will be your most useful tool for the next fifteen minutes. And if we keep stalling for time we're not going to get anywhere here, so I'll cut to the chase. You're one of my best friends. I have no idea if you consider me equally, but at least that's the case for me. Do you agree?"

Somehow, this wasn't the turn he was expecting the conversation to make.

"...Yes?" His expression of utter surprise almost broke Mia's façade down, and she had to turn away her chair from him to hide the gigantic grin on her lips.

"You are also the best science teacher, as both rumor and facts have it, I have ever had in my team. What do you have to say to that?"

"Um, well... That you might be exaggerating a little...?"

"I'm not. You are also my sister's preferred tutor, and you have been spending quite a lot of time with her lately. Do you admit this?"

"...Yes." There was that trepidating sensation of fear bubbling in the pit of his stomach again.

"Are you aware of the fact that my sister seems to be attracted to you?"

He hesitated, then concluded following Mia's advice was probably the less dangerous path. "...Yes."

"What are you planning to do regarding this fact?"

"I-I guess I'll j-just keep feigning i-ignorance..."

"Feigning ignorance? Why?"

"Well, because of... You know, reasons..."

"No, actually, I do not. If you're going to say something, Phoenix, say it completely or don't say it at all. Am I clear?"

"...Yes, Mia."

"Very well then, let's take another approach towards this. Do you dislike the company of my sister?"

"Wh-what?! O-Of course I don't!! I-I mean, she's pretty smart for her age, and she's such a quick learner with a great sense of humor, and she's just so tidy and organized and so extremely cute, and---" Phoenix screeched to a halt, horrified of what he, in his nervousness, had just blurted out. Hidden from Phoenix's view, Mia's grin grew larger. Successfully faking a slightly pissed off tone, she echoed his words.

"'Tidy and organized and so extremely cute', huh... Is that what you sincerely think about my sister, Phoenix?"

His sense of embarrassment was rising by the second, and he was going red to the tip of his ears.

"Wh-what?! No!! I mean, yeah, but..." Once again, he was petrified at inadvertently sticking himself between a rock and a hard place, and he just finally slumped in his chair, and gave up on himself, throwing his hands over his face. "Oh god, what have I gotten myself into..." Breathing hard, his voice came out muffled by his hands. "I'm SO fired, right, Chief?"

"Actually, I was rather thinking of giving you a raise." Phoenix stopped breathing. No, that couldn't be right. His ears were probably deceiving him, right?

...Right?

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... W-w-w-wait a second, Chief... What did you just say?"

Mia, the back of her chair still turned to Phoenix, had to make an almost superhuman effort to wipe the grin from her face and contort it into a completely serious expression, then turned the chair again to face her employee.

"I believe I spoke clear enough. I was thinking of giving you a raise. Not in your salary, though. Rather, in work conditions." Phoenix's look went from shocked to completely bewildered.

"...What do you mean? I'm sorry, Chief, but this conversation has gone from depressing to completely unintelligible for me."

These words hadn't yet completely left his mouth when he saw the older woman standing up from her chair, walk around the desk in a very provocative manner, and sit down on it right before him, her legs crossed in a lazily enticing way. His eyes widened like soccer balls. Her tone was unmistakable, and her attitude as well. What the hell.

She was trying to seduce him.

"...Ch-Chief?"

She had noticed his flustering, and bent down so her face would be level with his. Supporting herself on the arms of the chair he occupied, her face was mere inches away from his. Her breathing was slow and calm, and he could see that. Jesus Christ could he see that.

"...Yes?" She started playing with his tie, with obvious intentions. Her lips slightly open, the tip of her tongue escaped the confines of her mouth to constantly lick her lips in a rather leading way.

"Y-y'know, s-somehow... somehow this isn't r-right... S-so uh..." Phoenix, sweating bullets, had to exert all his self control NOT to look down his boss's cleavage. It was proving to be a considerably frustrating and tough task to accomplish. The fact that said cleavage was so obscenely ample and forcibly reminded him of why he had crushed on his boss several years before wasn't helping. He shut his eyes tight, in an attempt to drive his thoughts elsewhere and deal with the situation he was supposed to be dealing with.

Not that he was having much success at it.

"So what, Phoenix?" Her voice was growing more and more provocative with each word. Phoenix gulped.

"S-so could you please g-go back to your chair? This, um, this isn't... Y'know... Appropriate?" His voice was barely a whisper. It was all he could do to keep himself steady, his eyes still screwed shut.

"This isn't... appropriate." He could feel her breath on his face. GOD. Why was this woman so absurdly hot?! And what had he done to deserve thi--- Wait, scratch that. He knew what he'd done. Ugh. Being aware of this wasn't doing him any favors.

"Hmm. That's very... interesting." Her own voice had lowered to a whisper. More like a moan, really. Phoenix was so red, so sweaty and so flustered, he wanted the earth to open up and swallow him right then and there. The next time she spoke, it was directly into his ear, in a voice so low and so stupidly hot that it could probably melt a block of ice the size of her desktop. "...So was what you were about to do with my sister any more appropriate than this?"

Phoenix's eyes snapped open and bulged as if they didn't want anything more but to pop from their sockets. He started talking very fast, as if somehow that'd keep Mia at bay. His nature as a man couldn't help but shoot a furtive look down there from time to time as his eyes met hers. Thankfully (or maybe unfortunately), Mia's carefully chosen position didn't let him see too much, while at the same time leaving very little to the imagination.

"Well, no, but at least nothing happened then, and even though nothing did, I'm fully aware of the consequences it might have had and I'm willing to take those consequences right now without having done anything, I'm fully willing to take responsibility---"

And just as that magic word left his lips, Mia pressed a finger to them demanding silence, smiled, and closed his eyes with her free hand before giving him a small kiss on his forehead. The next moment, she was standing before him with the widest smile he'd seen her sport thus far, a complacent, satisfied, sincere smile.

"And that is precisely the answer I was looking for. You pass, Phoenix. Stand up."

Phoenix had a feeling his bewildered face was getting a bit too much of a workout today, as his expression changed again to one of utter loss. He slowly left his chair, wary of his boss's sudden change of disposition, never taking his eyes off her, but somehow, her new expression did away with some of his distrust. Still trembling a little, he stood before her, in his lab coat, red tie and glasses, and somehow, the sparkle in her eyes seemed to calm him down a bit.

"...Ch-Chief?"

The grin never leaving her face, Mia addressed him. "I need you to do me one last favor. Close your eyes, please."

Frowning, but somehow feeling that this wasn't going to be the same as merely a few minutes ago, he went really stiff and closed his eyes.

And a seconds later, he felt the warmth of his boss's body hugging him. As her head came to rest on his chest, he opened his eyes suddenly, and surprised, tried to jump away, but Mia's next words froze him down completely as if made of stone:

"Phoenix... Take good care of my sister, okay?"

...Wait. What was that again?

"...What?"

And with a wide smile still brightening her face, Mia looked up at him, grabbed his face with one hand, and planted a very sonorous kiss on his cheek. "I guess I should be almost considering you my little brother from now on, huh." This was NOT the way he'd expected the conversation to move. In fact, this wasn't in ANY if his possible predictions of how wrong the meeting could go.

"Hehe, still surprised, Phoenix?"

"...YES! I mean, what the hell was that all about, Chief?"

"Oh? Is it so hard for you to understand that I'm officially giving you permission to date my little sister?"

"Yes it IS hard for me to understand anything that you're sayi---- WAIT, WHAT?!"

Mia was suddenly overcome by a severe fit of the giggles.

"Well, I'm very, very sorry, Phoenix, but I had to... Let's call it 'test' you, if you will."

"T-test me? What for?!"

"Remember how this conversation began, and how, and where I found you two?" Phoenix gulped, and nodded uncertainly.

"Well, even though you're one of my closest friends, I had to know for sure if I could really entrust you with one of my most precious treasures... And so far, all the evidence points towards you being the perfect choice." Phoenix's face, a mingle between shock and amazement, caused Mia to giggle even more.

"B-but... b-b-but..." But before he could finish saying anything, she took his hands, locked them with her own, and spoke to him in a serious tone, but with a smile on her lips.

"Phoenix, my dear friend, from today on, if you'd like (as I'm sure you would), you can officially date my sister. I know you're a good man, I know you're responsible, caring, delicate, and an all-around gentleman, and I know you won't disappoint me. I'm sorry I had to put you through all of this, but I had to make sure just how trustworthy you were, and you passed with flying colors."

Now, Phoenix was going very red in the face, but for completely different reasons.

"B-but Chief, isn't, I mean, isn't your sister, y'know... a minor...?"

"Yes, and that's why I've warned her of the exact same things I will warn you now. Because of the obvious consequences such things could have, the only two conditions I will put to your relationship are that, first, you are not to make any public displays of affection while in the school grounds, and second, you are absolutely not to have sex, unless you want the living daylights sued out of you, something I'll take great personal relish in doing if you ever screw up that bad."

Mia's tone was stern, but her expression was relaxed and confident. Somehow, she was managing to lift Phoenix's spirits. The corners of his mouth twitched into an insecure, almost imperceptible smile.

"Of course, of course, of course I'd never try something like that, Chief, don't wor---"

Mia gave him a wink and interrupted him. "Then you are free to do as you please and go out with Maya. Think of this as a little repayment from me for helping me meet my own Prince Charming."

"..." An unescapable grin was slowly forming in his mouth, but then he remembered something, and going red in the face again, he started sweating bullets for a second time.

"...What's wrong, Phoenix?"

"Umm... M-Mia... y-your... y'know... y-you're sq-squeezing... and..."

Suddenly, Mia looked down and noticed she was still hugging Phoenix, and consequently, her ample chest was still pressed against him. She couldn't help but laugh openly at how innocent and naive her young pupil was, and tried to apologize to him in between laughs and catching her breath, as they settled down each on their own chairs, each in their own worlds, and each feeling rather better than they'd felt for a long, long while.

***

After their very strange encounter, Mia and Phoenix had sat there for a long time, talking, laughing and remembering old times. Then, remembering her sister was waiting for her in the car, Mia had politely and delicately directed the conversation towards leaving, and Phoenix, rather tired after such half an hour of tension, agreed wholeheartedly. But just as he was opening the door to the office lobby...

"Ah, Phoenix! Just a second, if you don't mind. I just remembered something."

Phoenix turned around and looked at his boss with mild expectation. Mia, having grabbed her bag, coat and other trinkets, approached the door, which he politely held open for her, and as they walked out of the office, she confided in him.

"There's three things I haven't yet told you that you might find useful."

"Hm? What's this?"

"First: Maya's favorite food is choco-strawberry ice cream." Phoenix smiled. "Second, she's never gone out on a date of her own, and only usually hung out with me and Diego. Must've been a bit uncomfortable for her." They both blushed a little. "And third..."

And then Mia stopped in her tracks. Phoenix didn't notice until he was a few steps ahead.

"Mia?" She gestured for him to come back, and when he did, she grabbed his ear, and whispered into it in a very sultry voice.

"...Third, she's never been kissed before. I know you're a good boy, Phoenix, so try to make it memorable for her, won't you?"

And with an enormous wink, another quite sonorous smooch on his cheek and a very wide grin, she left the now steaming Phoenix blushing his way to high heaven, completely stricken, standing in the hallway like a mannequin, and headed towards her car, where a very excited Maya sat waiting for her, ready to gossip about everything that had gone on in her sister's office while she was absent.

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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title

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Shiki Tohno wrote:
Finally, if anyone would like to offer lasting feedback on the stuff I've done thus far, I'd really appreciate if you stated it here instead of any of the other threads -- it's always nice to receive criticism and appreciation on your work. =)

I hope you enjoy my works. n_n
Alright, so you'll have your feedback in one place, too, I'll just repost my comments on your various stories here (and your answers to them)!

Spoiler: Wall of text
Shiki Tohno wrote:
Quizer wrote:
Hey DZ Shiki!


I followed your shameless plug advertisement advice and read some of your stories. You were right, our styles are indeed somewhat similar, but there are many differences, too. Let me go over the stories I've read and my opinions on them, eh?


Bundled Reviews:
I didn't like 'Empty Hands' too much, seeing as how I don't like its premise. The 'I love you, but what can I offer you?' cliché is somewhat overrated in my opinion. It's good to try and be sure about your partner's motives and opinions about the relationship, but angsting over it is a little much, and there's three problems with it in your story:
- First, they are already married. If Phoenix wasn't sure about their relationship, it's repercussions or anything, he had no business saying 'I do'. I actually see Phoenix as the kind of guy who wouldn't take that step unless he's sure that it's what they both want and that it'll work.
- Second, self-esteem issues. I don't see Phoenix as someone who suffers from that, either. You can see playing AJ that losing his badge was a hard blow for him, but I never got the impression that it had shaken his confidence in himself.
- , Third, they already have assured each other of their love several times in the story already before the subject comes up. I see the progression of Phoenix's doubts coming up and then manifesting themselves in that dream until they finally talk it out at the end, but nevertheless there's a bit of a dissonance between the 'wedded bliss' parts and that scene.


The letter referenced in the story was actually pretty good. Phoenix waxing rhapsodic over Maya only feels slightly over the top at times... :oops: Other than that, it's a pretty good recapturing of Phoenix's history with Maya from his perspective.


The story with Phoenix painting Maya was also enjoyable, only the final bit with Maya formally declaring herself Trucy's mommy in front of the assembly felt somewhat over the top again.

When you do a similar thing with Trucy and Phoenix in your latest piece, it rings much truer. That story was very sweet and well written, and I have nothing bad to say about it. The progression of how they warm up to each other was enjoyable to read and well done! I also liked that bit of realism where Phoenix was tempted to push her away for a moment - that impulse makes sense, even though she was just used to engineer his downfall.


The 'Because it sounds sexy' story was very funny and slightly sexy, too. I laughed at Edgeworth and 'international affairs' at the end. And poor Pearls getting scarred like that. And Maya somehow broke her rib... though looking at the text, it doesn't appear possible to tell how exactly... :yuusaku: But yeah, the genius of Hirano Aya... Haruhi would never have been as good without her.


I've also read the story where Phoenix goes 'demonic'. An interesting read - nice to see something action packed from you! Only the repeated demon references at the end of each paragraph detracted a little from the overall feeling of the story. Describing all the badass things Phoenix does should be enough - no need to keep reminding us in the narration that he's unstoppable. 'Show, not tell', you know? The surprise ending was well pulled off, though... :wave:

Well, that's all of the ones I read. Hope my feedback was helpful! Let me know what you think!


Quizer

LOL, appreciate the comments, trust me. Now lemme address a few points one by one.

1. I see what you mean about Empty Hands. The idea behind the story was this: fall in love > be excited > get reckless > get married > start doubting > start double-thinking all done thus far, consider the possibility of having misread the signs. The idea of Nick suffering of an inferiority complex struck me as a very interesting one, and the fact that he would only let this on when he was most vulnerable (i.e. in complete intimacy with Maya) seemed like a great tool to show he was strong enough (or cowardly enough, depending on how you view it) to keep it hidden from everyone else at any given time.

2. The letter... Well, yeah, the letter. =p My idea behind it was for Nick to let out everything he'd felt thus far in his relationship with Maya, and to let out a bit of his hidden poetic side. Sorry if it felt a bit over the top (I AM a bit over the top myself at times =p can't resist letting that bit of myself drip out a little).

3. The painting story: I'm very glad you enjoyed it, as it's one of the pieces I've written that I like the most. And trust me, this time, going over the top with Maya declaring herself Trucy's mother WAS fully intended. =p Maya was trying to get everyone against Nick on purpose, kinda like a classic Haruhi/Kyon moment. XD

4. Because it sounds Sexy: Well, thank you~. *majestic bow* Glad to know you enjoyed it. And FYI, I made a thread with that story in this very forum (look around Present Testimony), explaining how the broken rib bit was actually based on a true story (pseudo sister, after-wedding first honeymoon night + one too many drinks + too much excitement + trying to sex it up = broken rib for her and painful "OMFGYOUJUSTSATONMYOHGODOHGODITHURTSYOUSATONMY----" accident for her husband. =p (They had to actually reschedule their honeymoon because of that. XD)

5. Phoenix is a demon: Well, yeah; the repeating line was intended to set the mood. As I'm not that good with actual action scenes (just stealth), I tried to use it so as to set the overall feeling of the story that Nick had become unstoppable.

And now that we've addressed those, I wanted to direct your attention to two others of my favorite pieces -- Maya's Diary and Flower Steal. I'm particularly fond of those two, and would LOVE to hear your opinion of them. Please? =p
Next up is my detailed examination of your 'Flower Steal' written adaptation!


Quizer

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In the meantime, I've read the 'Flower Steal' manga and your story based off it. The manga is very fluffy and sweet, I like it a lot. (Though it's probably best not to think too hard about what that panel on page 5 with Phoenix's hand touching hazy whiteness is trying to suggest...) I noticed they gave Maya some slight Tsundere traits here. The art is very good, though at times I think the facial expressions could be more... well, expressive. :edgy:

Your retelling is not bad, but it does have a couple of problems. First, the second-person style is an interesting idea - I have read some awesome fiction that is written that way and I will probably try it out at some point as well. However, I don't think it really lends itself to sticking to a rigid script the way it is used here. I think second person is incredibly useful in producing immersion for character-driven stories, where the motivations of characters determine what happens, and it makes it very easy to show their inner thoughts and feelings which are the basis for their actions.

However, you stick rigidly to the script of the manga, repeating every piece of dialogue verbatim. I think it would have felt less artificial if you had chosen to make it more like a loose adaptation, paraphrasing dialogue and not worrying if you create slight differences in the process. In the manga you have an extremely detailed script you force yourself to adhere to, which makes this story entirely plot-driven, prevents the characters from acting naturally, and thus the second-person perspective ends up multiplying a negative 'immersion' score.



Also, to be honest, I don't think you wield this style of writing very well (probably because you have no prior experience using it). A few examples to illustrate:


Quote:
Until the very moment where you feel a very uncharacteristic weight upon yourself, and all of a sudden find her sitting on your lap, with her legs wrapping your waist, her arms on your back, and her head on your shoulder. As pleased as you are surprised at this sudden turn of events, you hear an uninteresting squeal of glee at the sudden warmth, and you hear yourself asking the only thing your brain is lucid enough to ask: "Er... What are you doi...", before suddenly changing your mind and saying in a slightly stern tone, "...I have to get changed, you know..." And it's true. You both have to get changed. The snow that had lodged in your clothes was starting to melt, and if you didn't get rid of those fast, you'd be well on your way to a fantastic winter cold. But apparently, to her, that did not matter then.
You try to use the same flow as in traditional third perspective storytelling, which doesn't work at all here. The writing needs to less formal, more organic, so that the reader really gets the feel they are inside Phoenix's head. That 'As' structure near the beginning is a very bad choice - you can show Phoenix's surprise much better in several ways. The "Er... what are you doi..." needs to come immediately after she plops down on his lap. If Maya's squeal of glee needs to come before that exclamation, you need to describe it such that there is not enough time between Maya dropping on his lap and the squeal for Phoenix to process both as separate things - too little time to already express surprise when that squeal happens.

Phoenix interrupting himself there doesn't work, either. I don't think it would even in traditional narration. The missing letters in the 'What are you doing' are there because it's the only way to show a shocked, surprised tone in the manga. The 'What are you doing?' and 'I have to get changed, you know?' is said in one continuous flow - it's the only possibility.

Then you've got some tenses confusion - the last sentence need to go like this:
The snow (that is) lodged in your clothes has already started melting, and if you don't get out of them fast, you'll be well on your way to a fantastic winter cold. But it looks like she doesn't care right now.

Finally, a characterization issue: Why is Maya's squeal of glee 'uninteresting' to Phoenix? If he's attracted to her or in love with her, he should find that endearing or cute. I find 'uninteresting' possibly the strangest choice you could have put here.
Also, you mention that Phoenix is pleased at the turn of events, but the paragraph doesn't really convey that feeling. No description of the feeling of Maya's body against his, or her smell (perfume or natural), or her breath on his neck (depends on how you interpret that picture). No mention of the tightness of her hug (she doesn't just have 'her arms on his back' here - look at the picture again, that's a full-body embrace!). 'Show, not tell' is the directive, and that applies more than ever to stories which are narrated from such an intimate perspective (as opposed to the detached 3rd person).

If you want to see an example of the 2nd person perspective done well, check out this story by Jbern. It's a Harry Potter fic, one of the best there is, and it makes full use of the unique quirks of this style of narration. Look at how he writes action scenes and how he writes dialogue - you can learn a lot just from looking at how he does things. If I ever write a story in 2nd person, this will be my reference and the standard I aspire to.



The dissection of that paragraph should give you a few ideas where you can work to improve your writing. Back to the story as a whole!

Like I said, sticking to the script so closely didn't work very well. I took a close look at the section that is 'omitted' in the manga, and it flows much better. You find the time to go into detail about Phoenix's emotions and perceptions. I love that bit about how Maya is the only one allowed to mess with Phoenix's hair.

In the last part, you skip to Maya's perspective. I do perspective shifts a lot in my earlier stories, too, but I've come to the conclusion that it is a bad idea for stories in the 1st or 2nd person. The problem is you can't immediately tell from whose eyes you are looking, and the perspective is too intimate to shift around willy-nilly - if several characters use this same style of narration, its power is diminished because you'd expect each character's head to be a vastly different place to look at the world from, but giving each character's narration its own idiosyncrasies is extremely difficult to pull of in writing.

Perspective shifts come without penalty in stories with 3rd person narration, so my conclusion is to either save it for that, or use 1st or 2nd person (they are very similar) for the protagonist, and 3rd person for other characters. If there is no single clear protagonist and you still want to have frequent point-of-view changes, everybody needs to use 3rd person, or multiple protagonists can use first person and you announce who is the point-of-view character before the narration begins. This is a partial solution that solves the confusion problem, but won't address the fact that each character's narration should by rights feel different.

(The perspective thing is only a minor quibble where this story is concerned - it's too short for Phoenix and Maya's narration resembling each other to become a problem, and the shift is made obvious very quickly by the 'in his arms' bit.)



On a different note, the tense also changes from present to past. Maybe that was your attempt to address the problem mentioned above, but you can't do that with second person perspective. You can use either 1st person present or 1st person past, but 2nd person past does not work - it needs to be 2nd person present always.


Quote:
Somehow, you also want to stay like this, but your pride doesn't want to give up that easily; oh no, you're not going to lose this one. So preparing one last burst, you say "...Maya, you're quite the spoiled child, aren't you?"
This bit makes me wonder whether you really understand why and how Phoenix says that. In the manga, Phoenix uses an affectionate, relaxed, slightly pensive tone here. Maybe this is the point where it really hits him that he has romantic feelings for Maya because they become really intense when she is so close. I don't think pride or a feeling to get in the last word is on Phoenix's mind here at all.

I noticed you kind of imply that Phoenix and Maya already were together before this. I think that takes away from the romantic impact of the story. Maya's shock in the manga heavily implies that this is a first kiss, the point where their relationship tips over from platonic into romantic, and that's what makes the manga so sweet and romantic to read.



I'm sorry to say that the manga is more successful at telling the same story compared to your written adaptation. A big reason for that is that as a writer you have to work much harder at conveying the same emotions and atmosphere you can with a single picture. Your writing can use some polishing, but the fact that a picture tells more than a thousand words put you at a disadvantage from the beginning.


Quizer

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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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I still like the 'letter' best...
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「これが、モノを殺すと言うことだ…!」

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So turns out in the middle of a complete adversity in my life, I was able to cook up another story, marking my glorious return to the army of writers of Nick/Maya fiction. =D

Kiss you, kiss me~

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*Did not know Shiki had fanfics*

I gotta read all these now, the titles got me hooked. Because It Sounds Sexy made me rofl so hard though.
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I'm amazed at myself at how I was actually able to hide every single name in the story and still keep the features identifiable enough so people knew who I was referring to. =D
If videogames make murderers, then guns kill people and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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purplepjs

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*fans self*

Oh my, Shiki, that was naughty!

*butz style thumbs up* :butzthumbs:
Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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「これが、モノを殺すと言うことだ…!」

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Haha, so ya liked it? Nice to know. =D You know, I imagined the whole scene in my head while I was writing it, and couldn't help but laugh my ass off at Maya being such a HUGE tease and all by enticing Nick all that much and then jumping around like a little kid like that. XD Sort of like, "typical Maya" and stuff. XD
If videogames make murderers, then guns kill people and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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Dahlia x Kristoph supporter.

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Shiki Tohno wrote:
So turns out in the middle of a complete adversity in my life, I was able to cook up another story, marking my glorious return to the army of writers of Nick/Maya fiction. =D

Kiss you, kiss me~

Like, dislike, booze? =p


i was the guy that requested that on the kink meme. :butzthumbs:
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Sig by me.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOWAKANA.
Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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「これが、モノを殺すと言うことだ…!」

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Lol, so my anonimity has been compromised now? XD
If videogames make murderers, then guns kill people and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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「これが、モノを殺すと言うことだ…!」

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And I give this thread an epic bump.


In the Nick/Maya thread, this pic of epic proportions of win was posted, and immediately the inspiration bunnies lodged inside mah brain. I'm HORRIBLY sleepy right now, and plan on making this either a long one-shot, or a story with very few chapters. Since I NEED absolutely to get some sleep now, I'm just gonna leave the first part of it here and ask you guys what you think so far.

Spoiler: Untitled as of yet
"Man, being here brings back so many memories..."

The young man wearing a white lab coat mumbled with a smile to himself, as he walked through the hallway of the old Kurain Village High School building towards the teachers' lounge. His spiky hair distinctive enough, he was attracting the curious looks of the passerby students, who eyed him with a kind of uncertain feeling -- not sure enough whether to trust him, but with the gut feeling that this man wasn't a complete bastard like some of the teachers in that school were. His bright eyes and sincere smile added to this, and he was politely waving hi to anyone who actually stopped in their tracks to look at him, which usually caused either getting a smile and a wave back from the boys, or a smile and a blush from the girls.

He felt elated -- finally his dream had come true. He had become a science teacher, and was given the glorious task of instructing and helping young minds develop themselves for the future. And feeling he was giving a pretty good impression at the swarm of teens that walked around him, he went into the teachers' office with a very bright disposition, ready to give his all.

"Um, hello?"

A voice from the back answered him. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Oh, thank God there's someone here, I was afraid it'd be empty. Yes, my name is Phoenix Wright, and I was recently hired by the Chief Principal Mia Fey, so here I am, ready to start my first day of work." His dilligent disposition oozed enthusiasm, and the aide in the almost entirely vacated office couldn't help but smile back.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Wright. Can you give me a moment here? I'll fetch your first class notes for you... I think you'll be having a busy day today."

"Well, I'm looking forward to it."

***

A few minutes later, and he was readying everything in the science lab, excited to meet his first batch of students. Before he left the office, he had insisted on requesting the files on everyone from his first class from the aide, so he could have a look at who was having trouble with what, and how he could help them. He was a fast reader, so for a class of some fifteen kids he had hoped to finish skimming over the profiles before class started... And then he got to the last name in the list: "Maya Fey". This sparked a smile and a couple of thoughts.

'Fey, huh? Must be a relative of the Principal's... There's not many people with that name out there, so I'm almost sure they're related. Well, one less person I have to worry about -- if she takes after her brilliant sister, I won't need to make the slightest effort with her and she'll pass with flying colors.'

Replacing the files on his desk, he started rummaging in the drawers for some chalk at the same time as the rumble of incoming students started to sound in his ears. Receiving them all with a very bright and warm smile, he beckoned them to rearrange the class area seats in a half circle around his desk, instead of the usual lines. The sixteen- and seventeen-year old boys and girls looked at each other with a slightly puzzled expression as they reorganized the seats according to his wishes. His lips, stretched in a wide smile, showed perfect white teeth, almost shining brighter than the sunlight that entered the room through the glass windows.

"The very best of mornings to all of you, boys and girls. I'm Phoenix Wright, and I'm going to be your new science teacher for the year. As you can probably guess, I am a bit young, and therefore don't have much experience, but I hope we can all work together so we make this class fun, and all learn new things from both this subject and each other." His introductory speech incited timid smiles among the students -- he considered this a good reaction and went on. "So for our first day I want us all to do mainly two things. The second thing we'll be doing is learning, or remembering, a bit about movement physics. But that comes later. Instead, the first thing I want us all to do is to stand up, tell us all your names, how old are you, what are you hoping from this class, and how you think we can make it fun for everyone, alright?" Smiles and nods littered the seats. "So umm... Let's see, according to the attendance list, Cody Hackins should be here. Who's Cody? If you're here, please stand up, kiddo."

A boy with freckles stood up at his call with a miffed face and a slightly ticked off expression.

"I'm Cody Hackins, 16 years old. So I'm no kiddo!"

"Haha, sorry, I just tend to call everyone younger than me a kid... It's just a bad habit I've slipped into, nothing more. But I really mean nothing of it, I hope you all understand." Apologizing, he approached the boy who had just introduced himself, and extended his hand. "Friends?"

Slightly taken aback by his new teacher actually apologizing to him and treating him with a surprising level of respect, the boy felt his anger go away immediately, and shook hands. "Er, sure, alright."

"So what are you hoping for this subject, Cody?"

"Well, I wanna be a movie stunt prop designer, so I wanna learn as much as I can from chemistry and physics to design machines and stuff that can help actors play their roles better!"

"You know, that's a pretty awesome goal. Alright, tell you what, kid. Keep doing your best effort in class, and maybe we can hang out sometime and try some stuff with my friend Larry -- he's a grip boy at Global Studios, so I'm sure he can teach you a few things. Sounds cool?"

"Wow, awesome! Thanks, Mr. Wright!"

"Er, you know, regarding that..." The older man spoke, half laughing. "I think I prefer to be called just Phoenix, or anything you might like, but not that. Mr. Wright sounds a bit too high and mighty, and we're all supposed to be friends here, aren't we?" The room at wide laughed and nodded, and so continued the introductions as he passed through the roll call.

At the last name, he hesitated for a split second, then called, "Alright now, last one: is Maya Fey here?"

And from one of the seats behind some of the other students stood up one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She had sparkling eyes, smooth skin, and raven-black waist-length hair tied at the bottom with a small hair ball, and small knot at the top, holding a bit of her hair in a bun. Her expression would have been beautiful as well, if it hadn't been because the redness of her cheeks failed to hide the bashfulness that was evidently eating her at that moment.

"H-Hi, I'm M-Maya." She stammered. But why the shyness? "I-I'm 17, and... And I l-like science and stuff... So yeah..." And almost drowning her last words, she sunk as low as she could in her seat to prevent Phoenix from seeing the embarrased steam that was surely coming out of her ears now. The other students couldn't help but notice this, and a massive fit of suppressed giggles engulfed the entire room. Low murmurs of "ooooooh"s and "aaaaaah"s could be heard throughout the place, and all sights focused discreetly on the now beet-red Maya, who had an anguished expression on her face that seemed to say "earth, please swallow me now". A slight shade of pink tinged Phoenix's cheeks at this, and turning his back to the class, he started writing some physics formulas on the whiteboard as a way of controlling himself and calming down, while saying, with a slightly raised voice, "All right, everyone, enough joking around, now let's get this show on the road!"

The class was spent without any further notable events, other than Maya answering a question from Phoenix and blushing again at the bright smile he gave her, and soon enough, everyone packed their books and started to take off towards different classrooms. However, Maya seemed to linger behind. This went completely unnoticed by Phoenix until they were the last two in the classroom, when the young girl approached his desktop, on which he was once again immersed in checking students' profiles.

"Umm... Mr. Phoenix?"

Not expecting hearing anyone after the group left, he was a bit surprised seeing Maya standing in front of him. Raising his head, he asked with an encouraging smile, "What's up, Maya?"

"Umm... W-well, I-I just wanted to say t-that I'm sorry..."

"Huh? Sorry for what?" His completely bemused expression echoed the questioning tone of his voice.

"W-well... For having acted embarrased back then... And making the class laugh at you... A-and--"

"Hahahaha, nah, there's nothing to worry about. It's natural to feel embarrased and shy in front of someone you don't know." Standing up, he picked up a chair nearby and placed it in front of his desk, then went around it and sat on his own chair. "Come, sit here." Maya obediently did as he said, and bowed her head down.

"Trust me, I've been there, I was a student too. I know how it feels to get embarrassed by your classmates, and you know how I got over it? By actually talking to them and telling them I was embarrassed. You guys are about finishing the process of growing up and becoming adults, so it's not surprising to think that your fellow students can be a lot more open and comprehending than you probably guess." His kind words were accompanied by a warm and confident smile, and he gave her a small wink. This seemed to lift her mood a bit, since she actually smiled back. It was the cutest smile he had ever seen, he had to admit it.

"And you know the most curious part of it? Guess who was it that taught me this."

"No idea, who?"

"Your sister, Chief Fey." Maya's mouth took the shape of a perfect, comical O. He smirked. "Yeah, she used to be my tutor in my first year of college, and even though we were doing completely different subjects -- me, science, and her, educational psychology -- she taught me a couple really useful things that I've noticed come in handy in situations similar to this one."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like what we're doing just now and talking about you feeling embarrased. As the old adage goes, talking about a problem is the first step to overcoming it, isn't it?"

If videogames make murderers, then guns kill people and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title

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omfg, this is toooo gooood DX I love Phoenix, he's such a sweetheart <3 I wish he was my teacher.

It's up to you on the length, but I think this is freaking awesome and I hope you continue whether it's long or short, haha. :)
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title

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That's awesome, I'm interested to see how it ends.
Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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This is awesome! moar plox!

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Shiki Tohno wrote:
And I give this thread an epic bump.


In the Nick/Maya thread, this pic of epic proportions of win was posted, and immediately the inspiration bunnies lodged inside mah brain. I'm HORRIBLY sleepy right now, and plan on making this either a long one-shot, or a story with very few chapters. Since I NEED absolutely to get some sleep now, I'm just gonna leave the first part of it here and ask you guys what you think so far.

Spoiler: Untitled as of yet
"Man, being here brings back so many memories..."

The young man wearing a white lab coat mumbled with a smile to himself, as he walked through the hallway of the old Kurain Village High School building towards the teachers' lounge. His spiky hair distinctive enough, he was attracting the curious looks of the passerby students, who eyed him with a kind of uncertain feeling -- not sure enough whether to trust him, but with the gut feeling that this man wasn't a complete bastard like some of the teachers in that school were. His bright eyes and sincere smile added to this, and he was politely waving hi to anyone who actually stopped in their tracks to look at him, which usually caused either getting a smile and a wave back from the boys, or a smile and a blush from the girls.

He felt elated -- finally his dream had come true. He had become a science teacher, and was given the glorious task of instructing and helping young minds develop themselves for the future. And feeling he was giving a pretty good impression at the swarm of teens that walked around him, he went into the teachers' office with a very bright disposition, ready to give his all.

"Um, hello?"

A voice from the back answered him. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Oh, thank God there's someone here, I was afraid it'd be empty. Yes, my name is Phoenix Wright, and I was recently hired by the Chief Principal Mia Fey, so here I am, ready to start my first day of work." His dilligent disposition oozed enthusiasm, and the aide in the almost entirely vacated office couldn't help but smile back.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Wright. Can you give me a moment here? I'll fetch your first class notes for you... I think you'll be having a busy day today."

"Well, I'm looking forward to it."

***

A few minutes later, and he was readying everything in the science lab, excited to meet his first batch of students. Before he left the office, he had insisted on requesting the files on everyone from his first class from the aide, so he could have a look at who was having trouble with what, and how he could help them. He was a fast reader, so for a class of some fifteen kids he had hoped to finish skimming over the profiles before class started... And then he got to the last name in the list: "Maya Fey". This sparked a smile and a couple of thoughts.

'Fey, huh? Must be a relative of the Principal's... There's not many people with that name out there, so I'm almost sure they're related. Well, one less person I have to worry about -- if she takes after her brilliant sister, I won't need to make the slightest effort with her and she'll pass with flying colors.'

Replacing the files on his desk, he started rummaging in the drawers for some chalk at the same time as the rumble of incoming students started to sound in his ears. Receiving them all with a very bright and warm smile, he beckoned them to rearrange the class area seats in a half circle around his desk, instead of the usual lines. The sixteen- and seventeen-year old boys and girls looked at each other with a slightly puzzled expression as they reorganized the seats according to his wishes. His lips, stretched in a wide smile, showed perfect white teeth, almost shining brighter than the sunlight that entered the room through the glass windows.

"The very best of mornings to all of you, boys and girls. I'm Phoenix Wright, and I'm going to be your new science teacher for the year. As you can probably guess, I am a bit young, and therefore don't have much experience, but I hope we can all work together so we make this class fun, and all learn new things from both this subject and each other." His introductory speech incited timid smiles among the students -- he considered this a good reaction and went on. "So for our first day I want us all to do mainly two things. The second thing we'll be doing is learning, or remembering, a bit about movement physics. But that comes later. Instead, the first thing I want us all to do is to stand up, tell us all your names, how old are you, what are you hoping from this class, and how you think we can make it fun for everyone, alright?" Smiles and nods littered the seats. "So umm... Let's see, according to the attendance list, Cody Hackins should be here. Who's Cody? If you're here, please stand up, kiddo."

A boy with freckles stood up at his call with a miffed face and a slightly ticked off expression.

"I'm Cody Hackins, 16 years old. So I'm no kiddo!"

"Haha, sorry, I just tend to call everyone younger than me a kid... It's just a bad habit I've slipped into, nothing more. But I really mean nothing of it, I hope you all understand." Apologizing, he approached the boy who had just introduced himself, and extended his hand. "Friends?"

Slightly taken aback by his new teacher actually apologizing to him and treating him with a surprising level of respect, the boy felt his anger go away immediately, and shook hands. "Er, sure, alright."

"So what are you hoping for this subject, Cody?"

"Well, I wanna be a movie stunt prop designer, so I wanna learn as much as I can from chemistry and physics to design machines and stuff that can help actors play their roles better!"

"You know, that's a pretty awesome goal. Alright, tell you what, kid. Keep doing your best effort in class, and maybe we can hang out sometime and try some stuff with my friend Larry -- he's a grip boy at Global Studios, so I'm sure he can teach you a few things. Sounds cool?"

"Wow, awesome! Thanks, Mr. Wright!"

"Er, you know, regarding that..." The older man spoke, half laughing. "I think I prefer to be called just Phoenix, or anything you might like, but not that. Mr. Wright sounds a bit too high and mighty, and we're all supposed to be friends here, aren't we?" The room at wide laughed and nodded, and so continued the introductions as he passed through the roll call.

At the last name, he hesitated for a split second, then called, "Alright now, last one: is Maya Fey here?"

And from one of the seats behind some of the other students stood up one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She had sparkling eyes, smooth skin, and raven-black waist-length hair tied at the bottom with a small hair ball, and small knot at the top, holding a bit of her hair in a bun. Her expression would have been beautiful as well, if it hadn't been because the redness of her cheeks failed to hide the bashfulness that was evidently eating her at that moment.

"H-Hi, I'm M-Maya." She stammered. But why the shyness? "I-I'm 17, and... And I l-like science and stuff... So yeah..." And almost drowning her last words, she sunk as low as she could in her seat to prevent Phoenix from seeing the embarrased steam that was surely coming out of her ears now. The other students couldn't help but notice this, and a massive fit of suppressed giggles engulfed the entire room. Low murmurs of "ooooooh"s and "aaaaaah"s could be heard throughout the place, and all sights focused discreetly on the now beet-red Maya, who had an anguished expression on her face that seemed to say "earth, please swallow me now". A slight shade of pink tinged Phoenix's cheeks at this, and turning his back to the class, he started writing some physics formulas on the whiteboard as a way of controlling himself and calming down, while saying, with a slightly raised voice, "All right, everyone, enough joking around, now let's get this show on the road!"

The class was spent without any further notable events, other than Maya answering a question from Phoenix and blushing again at the bright smile he gave her, and soon enough, everyone packed their books and started to take off towards different classrooms. However, Maya seemed to linger behind. This went completely unnoticed by Phoenix until they were the last two in the classroom, when the young girl approached his desktop, on which he was once again immersed in checking students' profiles.

"Umm... Mr. Phoenix?"

Not expecting hearing anyone after the group left, he was a bit surprised seeing Maya standing in front of him. Raising his head, he asked with an encouraging smile, "What's up, Maya?"

"Umm... W-well, I-I just wanted to say t-that I'm sorry..."

"Huh? Sorry for what?" His completely bemused expression echoed the questioning tone of his voice.

"W-well... For having acted embarrased back then... And making the class laugh at you... A-and--"

"Hahahaha, nah, there's nothing to worry about. It's natural to feel embarrased and shy in front of someone you don't know." Standing up, he picked up a chair nearby and placed it in front of his desk, then went around it and sat on his own chair. "Come, sit here." Maya obediently did as he said, and bowed her head down.

"Trust me, I've been there, I was a student too. I know how it feels to get embarrassed by your classmates, and you know how I got over it? By actually talking to them and telling them I was embarrassed. You guys are about finishing the process of growing up and becoming adults, so it's not surprising to think that your fellow students can be a lot more open and comprehending than you probably guess." His kind words were accompanied by a warm and confident smile, and he gave her a small wink. This seemed to lift her mood a bit, since she actually smiled back. It was the cutest smile he had ever seen, he had to admit it.

"And you know the most curious part of it? Guess who was it that taught me this."

"No idea, who?"

"Your sister, Chief Fey." Maya's mouth took the shape of a perfect, comical O. He smirked. "Yeah, she used to be my tutor in my first year of college, and even though we were doing completely different subjects -- me, science, and her, educational psychology -- she taught me a couple really useful things that I've noticed come in handy in situations similar to this one."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like what we're doing just now and talking about you feeling embarrased. As the old adage goes, talking about a problem is the first step to overcoming it, isn't it?"

Good read, keep it up. :)
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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Quote:
"As you can probably guess, I am a bit young, and therefore don't have much experience"

Great way to control the class, Phoenix. :butzthumbs:
Quote:
"Haha, sorry, I just tend to call everyone younger than me a 'kid'... It's just a bad habit I've slipped into, nothing more."

Is this a *cough* AJ ref?

I like the Maya introduction scene. (i.e. write more! Hope the exact scene of the picture gets included.)
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Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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I hereby slam my fist on the table and demand MOAR Shiki!!

MOAR I TELL YOU
Re: Shiki's/DZ's Collective Fanfictions Thread of Awesome~Topic%20Title
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icer wrote:
Great way to control the class, Phoenix. :butzthumbs:
LOL! Well, believe it or not, I did manage to handle a bunch of teens on a tutoring class I had to give once, and this excuse worked rather well for me. xD


icer wrote:
Is this a *cough* AJ ref?
ROFL, you wish... Or maybe not. =p I didn't notice that until you pointed it out. Nice eye. xD


icer wrote:
I like the Maya introduction scene.
Why thank you. It just felt so logical for me to feel bashful in front of a very nice, very hot new teacher, so I thought it'd be the natural reaction she'd have at the situation.


icer wrote:
(i.e. write more! Hope the exact scene of the picture gets included.)
Oh, trust me, I plan on making the exact scene from the image a crucial part of the story. =D Worry not, my dear, worry not. =)


kitsune13 wrote:
I hereby slam my fist on the table and demand MOAR Shiki!!

MOAR I TELL YOU
Hey, easy on Table-kun. </uber-obscure Code Geass reference> Here's the second part. Dammit, I keep trying to make this NOT a longfic, but the inspiration bunnies inside my head are beating the hell out of my ass at it. DX


Spoiler:
Several months later, class was in full force. The students from Maya's class had gotten accustomed to their really cool teacher, and the strange rumors of an awesome science teacher permeating the school had gotten squashed by the even stranger truth of him being not just an awesome teacher, but an awesome friend of everyone that once took an entire class to the pool to have a special physics class about waves and their behavior in liquids, and another time took them to the chemical plant in the next town over so they could see how things like food colorants and suchlike were made, after which they all enjoyed an ice cream each, courtesy of the factory. Phoenix was quickly growing in popularity as everyone's favorite teacher because of his unusual teaching methods, and this seemed to boost the students' morale and wishes to improve themselves, so everyone was positively impacted by his arrival to the school.

Except for Maya. Or rather, ESPECIALLY Maya.

After having talked to him several times for advice and talking to her classmates, she had improved a lot and wasn't bashful or shy anymore in his class, but the fact that she was smitten with Phoenix was an open secret. Her grades were always high, and having asked him so much for advice, she'd gotten to call him "Mr. Nick", an unusually close nickname, which only bolstered suspicions. But he was delicate enough to feign ignorance, and not talk about it in front of the other students or teachers.

Weeks passed, and their relationship only kept getting closer. They'd go out for burgers sometimes, sometimes they'd meet at the library to discuss science projects, sometimes they'd just happen to meet on the streets and the ice cream parlor would exert an inescapable attraction over them. They enjoyed each other's company, and most of all, they'd grown to have confidence and trust in each other, much more than Phoenix felt with even his closest friend, good old Edgeworth, who had applied as a Physical Education teacher at a school in the neighboring town. (Then again, everyone in Edgeworth's circle of close acquaintances knew that he was head over heels over his childhood friend Franziska von Karma, who just happened to be a Mathematics teacher in the very same school he had gotten a job at, so it wasn't really a surprise for anyone.)

Soon, the school's science fair was approaching, and everyone was busy preparing their projects. Maya's class had agreed on preparing a volcano simulation, which combined elements from both chemistry and physics, for their class project, so they were all spending more and more time huddled together in the science lab with their spiky-hared teacher, discussing the ins and outs of how to approach their work. This also meant more time spent with the young Maya, so Phoenix was, naturally, secretly very happy about this.

The project deadline was coming fast and everyone that wasn't particularly jumpy was always to be found behind books, working with machinery, or mixing solutions in the lab to finish building their homemade volcano. One particular day, however, found Maya and Phoenix looking for some old plastics and pieces of rope in the sports shed -- the place was covered floor to ceiling with stands for balls, bats, nets, and even some strange trinkets no one would think would be appropriate to have inside a sports shed, but the fact was that they were there. The pair was almost done picking up old deflated balls and tangled pieces of nets at the very back of the shed...

...When a very distinctive click sounded in their ears like a cannon blast, coming from a few meters away. Phoenix and Maya gazed at each other for a second, then quickly covered the distance between them and the doors, and started clicking the handle. It was futile.

They'd been locked inside.

Needless to say, Maya went immediately into overdrive freakout mode. "OH MY GOD, MR. NICK!! WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?! THERE'S NO WAY TO GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT SOMEONE TO UNLOCK FROM THE OUTSIDE!! WHAT IF NOBODY NOTICES WE'RE GONE AND WE GET STUCK HERE?!?!" Phoenix was feeling a bit scared of their situation -- indeed, what if no one ever noticed their disappearance? -- but told himself he had to be firm, not just for his own sake, but for his young student and friend as well. And somehow, Maya's panic steadied him. A stupid thought crossed his mind: it was almost as if she was freaking out enough for the both of them.

"Maya, calm down, please."

"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?! AND WE LEFT OUR CELL PHONES IN THE CLASSROOM!! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...!" Tears were already shining bright below her eyes.

"Maya, please, calm down, come on---"

"OH GOD!! WHAT IF WE END UP ASPHYXIATING HERE?! THERE'S NO WINDOWS IN THIS SHED!! OH MY GOD...!!" Unable to say anything else, she started sobbing and twisting her arms; she looked a bit demented.

"I SAID CALM DOWN, MAYA!!" His sudden raised tone surprised not just Maya, but himself. She looked at him with eyes of pure terror, and in the time it took her to wildly shake her head to look at her surroundings, probably thinking of finding a good object with which to hit him just in case, he had reached her and hugged her stronger than she'd ever been hugged before. In her panic, she fought it at first, but slowly felt the warmth in those firm, muscular arms, felt his heart racing almost as fast as her own heart was right now. Little by little, her breathing steadied down, and she surprised herself at suddenly noticing that she was hugging him back, and resting her head on his chest. Without her noticing, he had been stroking her head for a while now, in an attempt to get her to calm down. She relished the sensation of his hands on her hair, tracing its natural flow down towards her back with a delicate touch, and felt the butterflies she never knew she had inside doing backflips in the pit of her stomach.

A few minutes passed, both of them with their arms locked around the other, before Phoenix finally broke the silence.

"It seems almost foolish to ask, but... Have you calmed down now?"

"...Yes. I-I'm... I'm very sorry about that, Mr. Nick. I really am, I'm so, so sorry."

Phoenix eased up a bit and pulled his young friend towards some nearby crates, sat down, and gestured for Maya to sit down beside him. She did, placing both feet on the crates too, and hiding her face between her knees. The fiery shade of scarlet that now tinged her face was even noticeable down to her neck.

Phoenix noticed this and chuckled to himself quietly, before asking in a normal voice, "What made you snap like that, though? I was very surprised, I didn't think the normally quiet Maya would flip out like you did a few minutes ago." Maya's rubied tint shone even brighter.

"I... Well, it's just that... When I was a little girl--"

'You still are, it seems,' thought Phoenix to himself, 'but for some reason that only makes you cuter.'

"--I was deathly afraid of being left alone in dark places like this one, and I used to cry and cry until Sis would come and get me out of wherever I was. I-I kinda haven't really gotten over the sinking feeling in my stomach, and th-that's why I reacted like that before... I'm sorry, Mr. Nick. I didn't mean to explode like that. I'm really sorry."

"You know... Mind if I do something that could potentially be considered inappropriate?"

"Eh?! Wha---"

And without waiting for an answer, he threw his arm over her and squeezed her against himself in a half hug. It almost seemed impossible, but Maya managed to somehow turn her skin even redder when he felt his face resting on her head, and how he'd given her a kiss on her bangs, and stroked her arm with his hands, and said in a low voice, "Whatever might have happened in the past, it's in the past, Maya. You need to learn to let the past go and live in the present, because living in the present is what makes a bright future. And I don't know about you, but in MY present, I'm not worried at all, not even a bit, because whatever happens, I'm here with one of my best friends."

Once again, her previously undocumented butterflies started making a ruckus in her insides as if they'd be having a party, and she sort of naturally felt herself resting her body on his chest, cuddling herself under his arm and placing her head on his shoulder. She felt his breathing and his heart, beating rythmically along with the rising of his chest, and unconsciously moved to accomodate herself more snuggly under his arm. Phoenix had never stopped stroking her arm with his hugging hand, and this seemed to soothe both her heart and her worries.

A low voice was all she could muster, but he could feel her smile on his chest. "...Thank you, Mr. Nick."

"Don't mention it."

***

They remained like that for a very long time, the silence breaking only by the muffled sounds that came from the outside. Resting his head against the wall, Phoenix had taken to closing his eyes and pointing his face towards the ceiling, as if looking for inspiration for something. Little did he know that his young friend had fallen asleep under his arm, and the position they were in was literally starting to hurt now -- his arm and shoulder were starting to have a very uncomfortable tingling sensation, and his forearm and hand were starting to get numb. He chanced a glance at his watch -- ah, no wonder, since it was already 8PM...

'Wait what?! 8PM already?!' They've been trapped in there for more than six or seven hours, but a thought consoled him -- this was about the time the night janitor did his rounds before going home, so they had a chance of getting out now. He turned his head to the peacefully sleeping young girl resting her body on his.

"Maya?" he whispered. No response. "...Knock knock, Maya, anyone home?" Still nothing. "Come on, Sleeping Beauty, your prince needs you awake..."

And more for this last remark than for his voice being particularly loud (which it wasn't), Maya stirred feebly. Initially unaware of her surroundings, she yawned lightly with a contented smile; then, suddenly opening her eyes as wide as tennis balls, she let out a squeal and did some sort of strange mix betwee a jump and a kind of squiggling motion that ended up falling flat on her back on the floor, hitting her head and yelping in pain.

"OWWWWIE!!"

Phoenix, half laughing, half concerned, stood up quickly to help her get up, but in his haste, he tripped with his friend's foot, and ended up falling beside her.

"Gah!"

Both on the floor, they looked at each other, and merely seconds after, they were both laughing their hearts out. For some reason, hearing each other's laugh made them feel at ease, and as they picked themselves up and sat down again on the crates, wide grins wouldn't leave their faces.

"Hahahaha... Ah, I'm sorry about that, Mr. Nick. I didn't mean to make you fall like that." Maya was still giggling.

"Heh, nothing to worry about, thankfully. But I got to see something very beautiful and very interesting tonight, so I can't complain."

"Really? What was it?"

"...You should already know about it. After all, you were at the center of it all." Phoenix smiled and blushed a bit.

"I was?" Maya wore a completely bemused expression. "How so?"

"...Are you forgetting you just spent the last four or five hours sleeping on my arm?"

"Huh?!" Maya's befuddlement pronounced even further.

Unable to meet her gaze, Phoenix looked away, and after very pointedly clearing his throat and going red to the very tips of his hair spikes, said in a rather stiff voice, "...Y-you look v-very cute when you sleep, Maya."

"I wha--- Wait, what?!" Her cheeks hot enough to be able to fry an egg on them, the only thing that came to her mind was looking fixedly at the floor. Had she heard correctly? Had Mr. Nick just called her "cute"? And oh my god, Mr. Nick had just seen her sleeping...! 'Oh god, I'm so embarrassed...!'

...But wait a moment. Hadn't Mr. Nick blushed when he called her cute? Could it be...?

"Eh-hee-hee... Y-y'know, Mr. Nick... Y-your arms are p-pretty c-c-c-comfortable too..."

"Huh? Oh, ah, eh, heh heh, i-is that so...?" Phoenix had no idea why he was stammering so much, or why was he feeling as if he had a circus in plain performance in the very pit of his stomach right now... But he had to admit, it WAS a good feeling. So good, that when he finally mustered the courage to actually turn his head and look at his young pupil, and found her eyes looking hungrily at him with a very red face and a very flustered expression, and saw her lips mouthing the word Nick, those red, delicate lips, nearly all thoughts seemed to be blocked from his brain... That she was a minor, that he was her teacher, that this was probably illegal... The fact that this felt so wrong, and at the same time, so right, seemed to wipe everything else from his mind... And slowly, very slowly, he started closing the small gap between their faces...

...Whew... *fans self* You guys are demanding, you know. D= Now these damn inspiration bunnies are gonna kick my ass back and forth if I don't do as they say. x_x Also, I've already decided on a title for this fic, and it's gonna be a fantastic ripoff of a very well known anime series, but I'm not gonna tell what it is or what series I'm talking about just yet -- the whole last sequence of this recent part is a HUUUUUUUUUGE hint as to these two tidbits of information, having been inspired almost second by second by a very specific scene during the second episode of said series. Cookies to whoever guesses the reference! =D
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I don't know the reference but homg I looooove this!! DD: I can go to bed happy now, thanks. I'm like, biting back from letting out a screech of happiness because I don't want to wake up my brother in the next room. :'D
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Let's hope nobody finds them, Phoenix is going to get fired... the janitor is coming
Quote:
good old Edgeworth, who had applied as a Physical Education teacher at a school in the neighboring town.

I just can't imagine this. Sorry. Well, I can, but only as an Edgeworth -abuse comedy. It would be Legal Studies or something, even AU.
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Ok, awesome. But why'd you have to leave us with a cliffhanger!??
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「これが、モノを殺すと言うことだ…!」

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...I think this IS gonna turn out to be a longfic. Assuming the previous two posts were the first three chapters, the next update should be chapter four. I'll move them all to the first post now for easier tracking of updates. =O Thanks for the comments and reviews, everyone. xD
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purplepjs

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Shiki Tohno wrote:
...I think this IS gonna turn out to be a longfic.


*parties*

Woohoo Shiki! :edgy:
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ROFL, in case you didn't notice, chapter 4 is up. xD
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Now the title is a cliffhanger!
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LOL.


More hints to the title? Alright, hints about the series I'm gonna rip off with it.

1. The two main characters, one male and one female, are bespectacled.
2. The female lead is taller than the male lead.
3. Circumstances brought them together by accident.
4. They get acquainted by each sharing a secret about themselves no one else knows.
5. They're neighbors, at least initially.
6. As mentioned, a very similar scene to the one depicted in chapter 3 happens in episode 2 of the series, with a similar setting and a similar outcome.
7. The series has 12 episodes and 1 OVA.
8. The series was produced in the first half of this decade. =D
9. The basic relationship depicted in this series oppositely mirrors the one depicted in my story. (Make of that what you will.)
10. Most important hint: It has one of the highest ratings ever in my personal book. (This one requires a bit of basic research, use the "tree hidden in a forest"/"hiding in plain sight" concept to try and guess it!)
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I'm pretty sure I know what it is, but should I PM you or announce it here. Do I win a prize? Are you going to dedicate your next chapter to me? :godot:

Spoiler: Chapter 4 Discussion
Great chapter, and honestly I wouldn't expect any less from Mia in regards to the two of them! I didn't expect her to be so forward to Maya with the whole "Don't have sex!" thing though. I would have thought the both of them would have been quite embarrassed to broach the subject with lots of blushing and stuttering and Mia finally managing to get out that she doesn't want them "getting too physical... if you get what I mean, Maya..." And of course, Maya nods, mortified that she is even having this conversation with her sister. :payne:

Poor Phoenix though... Mia isn't going to go as easy on him is she? *giggles*


Update soon though! I'm really liking this.

Teacher Phoenix = SO damn hot. :nick-heart:
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This is my Path, my Dream, my Choice

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I love this fanfic! Though, I can't imagine Edgeworth being a PE teacher...I just can't! Maybe a social studies or English one.
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**Special Thanks to Dekuran for the Awesome Siggy and Nadindi for the Cool Avatar!**
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kitsune13 wrote:
I'm pretty sure I know what it is, but should I PM you or announce it here. Do I win a prize? Are you going to dedicate your next chapter to me? :godot:
PM your guess to me. If you're right, I'll reply back stating so, and you can announce it here. If you're wrong, I'll just post here saying that your guess was off. xD


kitsune13 wrote:
Spoiler: Chapter 4 Discussion
Great chapter, and honestly I wouldn't expect any less from Mia in regards to the two of them! I didn't expect her to be so forward to Maya with the whole "Don't have sex!" thing though. I would have thought the both of them would have been quite embarrassed to broach the subject with lots of blushing and stuttering and Mia finally managing to get out that she doesn't want them "getting too physical... if you get what I mean, Maya..." And of course, Maya nods, mortified that she is even having this conversation with her sister. :payne:

Poor Phoenix though... Mia isn't going to go as easy on him is she? *giggles*
Well, in this AU, I envisioned Mia being really forceful for the stuff that matters, after years of experience being a somewhat isolated child genius teaching her that skating too much around the point will never get you anywhere. Plus, threatening Maya with legal action that could probably destroy their lives and reputations for the rest of their existence seemed to be an easy way out to scare the hell out of her so she doesn't screw up. =p


kitsune13 wrote:
Update soon though! I'm really liking this.

Teacher Phoenix = SO damn hot. :nick-heart:
Trust me, you're not liking this more than I am. Surprisingly enough, I'm getting (wait for it) MOTIVATED to write this stuff by reading all your comments, guys. =D Keep at it, dammit! XD


FlameInferno wrote:
I love this fanfic! Though, I can't imagine Edgeworth being a PE teacher...I just can't! Maybe a social studies or English one.
LOL, the main idea behind this story was to mess with the established perceptions of everyone in the cast... And by merely a throwaway line of a character that I'm still not sure will even make a proper appearance, I seem to be achieving my point. X3
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Update: It appears I am awesome and I guessed correctly :karma:

Is anyone else going to join me at the awesome table? I'll shift over and make room :edgy:
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kitsune13 wrote:
Update: It appears I am awesome and I guessed correctly :karma:

Is anyone else going to join me at the awesome table? I'll shift over and make room :edgy:


*Joins table of awesomeness*

And, speaking of awesome, the fanfic.

IT'S AWESOME! This is probably the best 'alternate world' story I've read.
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Credit for the above goes to this person here.
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kitsune13 wrote:
Teacher Phoenix = SO damn hot.:nick-heart:

Yes, I think this outfit suits him.
Even in my bad attempt at fanart, he looks quite attractive. Somebody should draw something decent.
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Freakyalex wrote:
kitsune13 wrote:
Update: It appears I am awesome and I guessed correctly :karma:

Is anyone else going to join me at the awesome table? I'll shift over and make room :edgy:


*Joins table of awesomeness*

And, speaking of awesome, the fanfic.

IT'S AWESOME! This is probably the best 'alternate world' story I've read.
'Scuse me, the Awesome Table is reserved to those who have successfully guessed the story title. =p So far, only Kitty has achieved that honor. xD I'm afraid I'll have to escort you to the Raving Fans Table with the rest of the great people supporting me. XD
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Double post for epicness.




Currently writing chapter 5. Need sleep NAO. Situation development taking a turn for the (hopefully) funny. Not just any funny, but funny-ha-ha, the one that feels really tickling your laughs. Slight spoiler about the new chapter: Mia is a royal bitch. All for the greater good though.
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Holy tapdancing Christ, Chapter 5 is up. o_O Massive props and thanks to Kitteh for helping me fix a few sticky spots in this chapter. =D
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This is awesome! moar plox!

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Heh heh. You just got to love Mia in this chapter, I really liked the way she was acting towards Phoenix. I didn't expect this chapter to turn out like this, better than I expected. Very interesting read. Keep it up. :phoenix:
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seriously, every time I come home and see you've updated my fic, it makes my day.

ah, I really love how unpredictable this fic is! I love everyone's personalities. poor Nick X3; Even if at first Mia seems "bitchy", I think she's actually being pretty gracious. I mean, with all the legalities involved... @_@; I hope their relationship turns out okay!
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Shiki Tohno wrote:
Holy tapdancing Christ, Chapter 5 is up. o_O Massive props and thanks to Kitteh for helping me fix a few sticky spots in this chapter. =D


You are most welcome young Shiki! And great chapter by the way!

Mia is suuuch a saucy lil minx!! :hotti:
Re: Shiki's Collective Stories Thread of Epic~ (UPD: 2009/09/01)Topic%20Title

[Words]

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This fic keeps getting awesomer and awesomer. I can't wait to see Nick and Maya's next interaction.
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Floran wrote:
Heh heh. You just got to love Mia in this chapter, I really liked the way she was acting towards Phoenix. I didn't expect this chapter to turn out like this, better than I expected. Very interesting read. Keep it up. :phoenix:
Why thank you. =3 I intended Mia to be as much of a royal bitch as she was in this chapter, but not in the derogatory sense; being a bitch has many meanings, one of which is being such as huge, evil dicktease as she was in this chapter. =p I mean, what good-intentioned person would work you up to such a raging boner just to tell you it was a "test"? =p


tozz wrote:
seriously, every time I come home and see you've updated my fic, it makes my day.

ah, I really love how unpredictable this fic is! I love everyone's personalities. poor Nick X3; Even if at first Mia seems "bitchy", I think she's actually being pretty gracious. I mean, with all the legalities involved... @_@; I hope their relationship turns out okay!
Quoting the Jack Frosts from SMT Online: Thank you thankily. =D And don't worry, the story will have a happy ending (I'm still polishing some stuff from it, and gotta think of a way to project the story so it moves from where it is to the ending I have planned!), and Nick and Maya WILL end up together... Oh my in what way they'll end up together. xD You'll just have to wait and see. ;-)


kitsune13 wrote:
Shiki Tohno wrote:
Holy tapdancing Christ, Chapter 5 is up. o_O Massive props and thanks to Kitteh for helping me fix a few sticky spots in this chapter. =D


You are most welcome young Shiki! And great chapter by the way!

Mia is suuuch a saucy lil minx!! :hotti:
Oh my, I wonder who she reminds me of... XD


justis76 wrote:
This fic keeps getting awesomer and awesomer. I can't wait to see Nick and Maya's next interaction.
Hehe, I'm keeping that a secret. You'll have to wait and see. xD


Thanks for the comments, guys. =)



AND NOW, A POLL!!!

I have two ideas of where the story could move next. The next chapter is planned to include a very important development in the story, and it can take place indistinctly in one of four potential locations. Now I'm leaving it to the fandom to make a choice!

Where should this next chapter take place?
1. The Fey household
2. A local cinema
3. A quiet café
4. An amusement park


I've already roughly lined out ideas as to how to tackle the new chapter in each place, and all four will in one moment or another be included in the story. So the task falls to YOU, the FANS, to decide where the next chapter should move to! =D
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