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Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of Direction (Chapter 2 up!)Topic%20Title
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Gender: Female

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Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:06 pm

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Ok! So at first, this as going to be a one-shot. But after thinking up of more idea's it just seemed like to big of a one-shot, so their will be chapters! Constructive criticism is very much appreciated~
NOTE: This is not a fanfic for Apollo X Ema. it's just a fanfic about the two of them as friends. Also, all of the chapters will be in the next post, just so that people don't have to look through the thread to read more :hobohodo:

Anyways, without further ado, here comes Justice!
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Title: Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of Direction
Author: MiaFeyFan
Rating: E
Genre: Slice of Life, Comedy
Status: Incomplete
Chapters: 2
Summary:
Ema invites Apollo over to her house to pick up a "mystery item" for a case he's working on. But there's one problem- she never gave him any directions! So here comes Justice!...trying to find her house when he has absolutely no sense of direction. But, when a strangely familiar woman bumps into him on his way, will he finally be able to find her house?
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"Having a place to go — is a home. Having someone to love — is a family. Having both — is a blessing."


Last edited by MiaFeyFan on Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of DirectionTopic%20Title
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Gender: Female

Location: Canada

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:06 pm

Posts: 284

Spoiler: Chapter 1
“Come on over to my house later, Apollo. I might be able to find something useful to help you out with this case”.

That’s what Ema told me just yesterday. I decided to come over today because, well, I had to find her house first. And frankly, not giving someone directions to a house they’ve never even been to before and expecting them to just show up a few hours later is expecting a bit too much, I’d say. I tried to find her house, sure. But looking up “Directions to Ema Skye’s house” on Google didn’t get me anywhere, and Trucy can’t really use her magic skills to get me to her house. So here I am, walking the streets of Los Angeles, completely lost and confused. Thanks a lot, Ema. I was just about to turn around and walk back home, when suddenly, a woman rammed right into me, knocking me to the ground!

“Sorry about that, kid.” She helped me up, and that’s when I saw her. She had long, glossy hair, chocolate brown eyes, and street clothes on. She also was wearing a long, red scarf, but all that’s not really what I noticed. What I noticed was her face. Where had I seen this face before? It seems so familiar, yet I’m positive I’ve never met this woman before. Was it her nose? Her touchy expression? I couldn’t figure it out one bit. “It’s ok. I should’ve noticed you coming, anyways.” I said, trying to make the glum lady smile. Not that I thought it would work. “Yes, you really should have. Watch where you’re going next time, kid. Or else you might get hurt more than you already are.” And on that note, she stormed off.

“She’s obviously NOT a people person huh?” I mumbled to myself.
“Wait a minute…what’s this?” I noticed a small, crumpled up piece of paper on the ground where she was. Curious, I opened up the paper. “Directions… to an apartment building?” I asked myself as I scanned over the paper more. Yes, it seemed to be directions to someone’s apartment building. On the left hand side of the paper someone had written “Directions to Em…house.” Em house huh…wait. Couldn’t that be? No…what are the odds of a complete stranger having directions to the detective’s house? It’s pretty smudged, so it could be anyone. Emily…Emile…so no. I should just put it back where I found it or give it back! But…what other option do I have? I suppose… I might as well.


Spoiler: Chapter 2
Who would’ve guessed that this little piece of paper would actually get me to an apartment after all? The world is full of surprises, isn’t it? Glad I did it. But first things first, I gotta go to the reception desk and find out if she even lives here. A man in a pale yellow suit looked up at me from behind the desk, and smiled.

“Welcome to Gatewater Apartments. How can I help you today, Mr. Justice Sir?”

“! You, you know who I am?!” Red in the face, the man answered,

“Of course I know who you are! Taking on the first Jurist System trial in years, even though you’re just a rookie! You know, I helped out your mentor in a case a long time ago.”

My mentor? Surely he couldn’t mean… “You mean…Mr. Gavin?”

“Oh no no no, sir! I mean Wright! THE PHOENIX WRIGHT! …You are Apollo Justice, right sir?”

Oh! I guess everyone assumes I’m his apprentice after he went to jail…though I suppose I am his apprentice now, after everything that’s happened. “Well, yes, I am. Sorry for the confusion. Anyways, could you tell me if Ema Skye lives here?” The man gestured for me to wait a moment, and looked through a catalogue on his computer.

“Level 22, Number 25. Do you have any bags that need to be brought up?” The man stared at me anxiously, a little creepily too, mind you. “Uh, no. I’m just visiting. But thanks for the offer.” Who does this guy think he is anyway, a bellboy? But I kept my smarmy remarks to myself as I noticed just how high up her apartment is, and that the elevator is see through. “Eeep! M-maybe I s-should t-take the s-stairs…”

After a long, tiring trek up 22 flights of stairs, I finally reached her doorstep. This is it, Polly! Remember, flattery gets you- EVERYWHERE I get it. Geez, why do Trucy’s words of ‘wisdom’ never cease to leave my brain?!

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“Yeah? Who is it?! Can’t you see I’m in the shower here?!” Oh yes, because I can totally anticipate when you’re in the shower, Ema.

“Um, it’s Apollo!”

“OH! It’s you! Figured you’d be coming around soon enough. Come on in, the doors unlocked.” Who leaves their door unlocked while they’re in the shower, of all things?! I turned the doorknob, and it creaked open. To my surprise, her house seemed kind of…homey. The paint on the walls were in all different shades of colour that all blended together perfectly, a lot of the furniture seemed to be either really old or made to look that way, (save her computer) that even her TV was that box type that went out of style years and years ago. But the thing I noticed the most, even more so than the hundreds of Science stuff and Snackoo bags lying on the tables, was all her pictures. There was a different photo on every wall, table, desk and shelf. A lot of them had her and a woman who seemed familiar somehow. Ema with friends from school, Ema at organ lessons, Ema at the police department (noticeably younger), even a couple pictures with her and Mr. Wright. But their was one picture that really caught my eye. Ema was with a man that seemed like he’d never be…where the picture was taken.

*SLAM*. What was that? Maybe I should check it… “Like my house, Apollo?” “AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” *CRASH*

Image
"Having a place to go — is a home. Having someone to love — is a family. Having both — is a blessing."


Last edited by MiaFeyFan on Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:55 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Re: Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of DirectionTopic%20Title
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Grand Balance (Yin-Yang)

Gender: Male

Location: Brazil

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:31 am

Posts: 701

Hey, hey, hey, I can feel where my favorite character is, even when she's called a mystery woman! *shot*

I thought that was a nice beginning, really. Well-paced, it showed the entire scene slowly and made gradual progress. It's not always that we see a well-paced fic, so this is a praise, alright? Now, as to mistakes... I saw none, really. Maybe you repeat the word "directions" a tad too much, so try and work on synonyms or expressions for this. The chapter itself was pretty small (though I guess this is because this was supposed to be a one-shot...). The rest of the chapter is apparently flawless despite that, though...

Now, this is not criticism, but rather another praise.: you made a pretty decent, funny and Apollo-ish joke on this part:

Quote:
But looking up “Directions to Ema Skye’s house” on Google didn’t get me anywhere, and Trucy can’t really use her magic skills to get me to her house.


Since you're writing in first person, I really hope you keep working on these. Good job. :phoenix:
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Many thanks to PandaPrinzessin for this signature!
Re: Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of Direction (Chapter 2 up!)Topic%20Title
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Gender: Female

Location: Canada

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Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:06 pm

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^ Thanks so much for that! I try to think like Apollo while i write this lol.
As for the direction bit, I couldn't really think of any other word that would be a good synonym for that, but I'll keep looking!
((Also thanks for replying, because I kept on thinking that nobody liked my fic and reading your post really made me want to continue the fic!))
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"Having a place to go — is a home. Having someone to love — is a family. Having both — is a blessing."
Re: Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of Direction (Chapter 2 up!)Topic%20Title
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Grand Balance (Yin-Yang)

Gender: Male

Location: Brazil

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:31 am

Posts: 701

Ah, new chapter! And yay for the bellboy making a cameo! Though the chapter only has two paragraphs, those are huge paragraphs, so a lot is happening. I did like it. Now, are you sure this isn't an Apollo X Ema fic...? Not that I'd mind...

I got to commend you on Apollo, he would probably act (and think) just like that. You try to think like the character when writing, huh? That's good! It usually results in a more personal, interesting writing. You're managing it pretty well.

Now, like the thing with the "directions", I fear I am being a little too picky here with a detail, but the paragraphs, as I said, are big. When you have lots of dialogue, it's not very interesting to keep it all in the same block of text. For example, take this part which you wrote:

Quote:
After a long, tiring trek up 22 flights of stairs, I finally reached her doorstep. This is it, Polly! Remember, flattery gets you- EVERYWHERE I get it. Geez, why do Trucy’s words of ‘wisdom’ never cease to leave my brain?! *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* “Yeah? Who is it?! Can’t you see I’m in the shower here?!” Oh yes, because I can totally anticipate when you’re in the shower, Ema. “Um, it’s Apollo!” “OH! It’s you! Figured you’d be coming around soon enough. Come on in, the doors unlocked.”


It's understandable, and rather fast-paced, which makes sense for a dialogue. But I feel it would be easier for the reader to understand and follow the dialogue progress if it was written like this:

Quote:
After a long, tiring trek up 22 flights of stairs, I finally reached her doorstep. This is it, Polly! Remember, flattery gets you- EVERYWHERE I get it. Geez, why do Trucy’s words of ‘wisdom’ never cease to leave my brain?!

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“Yeah? Who is it?! Can’t you see I’m in the shower here?!”

Oh yes, because I can totally anticipate when you’re in the shower, Ema.

“Um, it’s Apollo!”

“OH! It’s you! Figured you’d be coming around soon enough. Come on in, the door's unlocked.”


It might get a bit longer this way, but isn't that neat?

And I know how you feel, it's not always that we receive reviews or know that we have someone reading our fics. I'm a writer too, so I already felt that, and I do know that we lose motivation when it seems our own work is being ignored. So no need to thank me, I'm just doing my part in trying to appreciate the work of another writer. But hope you find the motivation to keep writing.
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Many thanks to PandaPrinzessin for this signature!
Re: Apollo and His 0/100 Sense of Direction (Chapter 2 up!)Topic%20Title
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Gender: Female

Location: Canada

Rank: Decisive Witness

Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:06 pm

Posts: 284

^ Don't worry, I think I've gotten enough motivation for now :keiko:
And I thought the paragraphs seemed a bit off too! But if figured I could just leave them as is. I did change them like you proposed to though, I think they look much better this way anyways :D. As for the Apollo X Ema thing, noo, it's defiantly not, since I'm a rather faithful Apollo X Vera fangirl :draw:
Chapter 3 is on the way!
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"Having a place to go — is a home. Having someone to love — is a family. Having both — is a blessing."
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