Here's a story I'm writing with Lyrical Rawr. And I want to thank KingMobUK for being such an awesome beta and for putting up with our nonsense XD

***Note*** Starting from Chapter 12, the chapters will link to my LJ.

Title: Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
Authors: Lyrical Rawr & Shiva
Pairing: Fake!? Phoenix/Edgeworth
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Romance
Warnings: Swearing, possible SPOILERS for GS1 and 2
Status: In Progress

Summary: Miles desperately needs a way of removing an unwanted admirer, and what better way is there than to pretend to date his very male, straight best friend and rival? -Sigh-, it sounded so foolproof in his head at least...

Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8
Chapter 9 / Chapter 10 / Chapter 11 / Chapter 12




The stuffy and slightly depressing room was slowly taking its toll on Miles Edgeworth’s patience. Not that depression was something Miles wasn’t used to by now – on the contrary, it seemed to rear its ugly head at him every time he so much as twitched out of place. No, it was more that he was suffering from nothing but meaningless thoughts for no reason what-so-bloody-ever.

He was currently sitting on a chair that persistently rocked from one side to the other, reminding him of one of those poorly looked after plastic structures one would find in a school, from which some witty student would have taken the time to lovingly remove some height from one of the legs. The noise that each tap of the wonky legs made on the cheap laminate flooring was also one of discontentment, and to top it off, the clashing red and green colours of the walls were starting to give him a migraine.

How his fellow prosecutor could stand sitting in such a mismatched office with random pieces of furniture for most of the day – if not twenty-four-seven if she had the same workaholic attitude that he possessed – completely went over his head.

And they say prosecutors always have a pleasant, rich sense of style, Miles thought, his arms crossed over his chest, tapping his finger purely out of habit. He always suspected he was one of the gifted few who had style, and this confirmed it.

Why am I here again?

…Ah, yes. That persistent woman and her urgent appointment.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open, and a petite, dark-haired woman appeared in the doorway, seemingly pretty out of breath. She was wearing a pinstriped pencil skirt and a plain white shirt, with her straight, mid-length hair falling neatly onto her shoulders. It would have looked like a normal outfit, if it weren’t for the extremely weird, green velvet jacket she decided to wear with it. She bustled over to her desk and dropped a pile of documents down onto its surface, before turning around to face the cold glare Miles was giving her. She snickered nervously, biting her lip.

“Looks like I’m a bit late, whoops.”

All she received for an answer was a frown.

She laughed again, this time not nervous, but thoroughly amused, and walked around the birch wood desk to take a seat in a brown swivel chair.

Yet another décor mistake, Miles noted.

“Geez, Miles, lighten up! As much as I love that handsome face of yours, and no matter how much it makes me laugh, you’ll get premature wrinkles.”

Miles rolled his eyes. “I’ve been waiting here for over twenty minutes, Everett,” he replied hotly, ignoring the amusement on his colleague’s face and the obvious compliment. “Effectively, your careless manner and lack of apology show that you don’t care that I have an appointment with someone in five minutes.”

She waved her hand as if to swat away what Miles had just stated. “You liar! I know for a fact that you have the next hour completely free.” She kicked off her shoes and began stuffing random files into desk drawers. “And how many times do I have to tell you that it’s Kath, not ‘Everett’.” She seemed to pull a slightly disgusted face at the last name reference, although it could have been at an old document with a massive coffee ring stain on the front.

Miles sighed as he watched her relentless way of stuffing way too many files into one drawer so it wouldn’t close. “The point is, I could have had an appointment, and your extremely-important-must-not-miss meeting with me should really have been top priority, considering you’ve spent the whole week trying to get it.”

At least she has the decency to blush slightly.

“You do have a point, there,” Kath responded, smiling, her flushed cheeks pressed into little dimples. “I’m sorry for being late, Miles.” She pushed back from her desk, still on her chair, and came around to sit directly in front of Miles, resting her chin on her hand.

Miles relaxed slightly and nodded in acceptance of the late apology. There was a short silence before he interrupted her staring with a small cough and a simple word. “Well…?”

“Ah, right, yes!” She quickly fell out of a daydream, slightly startled, and dropped her dozy look.

She seemed way too scatterbrained and easily distracted at this moment in time for Miles’ taste. He could tell this was going to be troublesome. Yes, he already knew exactly what she was going to ask him, and it wasn’t good.

“Look, Kath.” Miles cringed inside at having to refer to a colleague on first-name basis. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate this whole effort--”

“Please, let me speak,” Kath interrupted quickly. “I’ve been trying to get you to come to my office all week now, and I really do need to discuss something important with you.” She started to slightly blush again.

Miles was about to respond, but quickly decided against it. That blush was a signal to leave as quickly as possible before the excuses would have to come. He calmly got up off his chair and walked over to exit the nauseating situation that he knew was coming.

“Huh?” Kath questioned, also getting up from her seat. “W-wait, what are you doing?”

Miles shook his head as he continued down the corridor in silence towards his own office.

“Miles! Hey, Miles Edgeworth!”

Don’t follow me, just please don’t follow me.

As he turned the handle on the door to his office, he suddenly felt a grip on his shoulder, making him turn to look at the dark-haired woman again.

Perhaps she hasn’t quite got the message.

Miles just gave her a look of ‘Do I know you?’ and proceeded to open the door. He glanced around at his neatly stacked shelves, well-polished surfaces and plush sofa – this was more like it, and certainly a lot more stylish. He took in a breath of nice, book-scented air, before walking over to his desk to sit down.

Kath just stood at the entrance, mouth hanging slightly open, apparently shocked by the hostility she was being faced with. She frowned ever-so-slightly, but quickly laughed it off.

“Aww, Miles, all I wanted to do was ask you one little question,” she said, before walking over to where Miles was stacking folders that had already been sorted.

Is it really that hard for her to understand that I'm not interested?

Looks like bluntness is the only option…

He slammed his hand down on the desk as if he were making an objection in court. “Evere… Kath, I’m really not interested in your questions at this moment in time.”

She was the third woman this month that had attempted to ‘ask him one little question’ and, frankly, it was starting to grate on his already torn nerves. Miles was really not flattered by all his fans at the prosecution offices. Why did people have to keep interfering with his work? Was it so hard to understand that he wasn’t interested in women and the whole ‘relationship’ thing?

What was worse, Miles’ hard-to-get attitude just added to the amount of attention he got from the female masses. He honestly didn’t understand why they seemed to drape themselves over him every time he desperately attempted to squash their dreams. Also, the fact that he had never been in a proper relationship made them all the keener with whispers of ‘How cute!’ and ‘He’s so pure -sigh-’ following him in the corridors.

He didn’t ask God to bestow upon him all the depression and misery in his life, and he certainly didn’t ask for women to be attracted to him. He already had enough problems as it was.

“Listen,” Kath said suddenly, snapping him out of his thoughts. She leaned over the desk with one arm and put the other on Miles’ shoulder, making him stiffen in annoyance. “Seeing as though you’re just being difficult – and I have to admit you have most definitely earned that hard-to-get reputation – I’ll cut straight to the chase.”

She leaned in slightly further, making Miles lean further back into his chair. “I like you and your attitude, looks and… everything! I was wondering…” The same blush from before crept up onto her cheeks. “Do you want to go on a date?”

Miles inwardly sighed. So much for getting rid of the awkward excuse moment.

He paused for a second before answering in a flat voice, “Look, I’m flattered, but… I’m really sorry, but I can’t. You see, I’m…”

Father to six children? A workaholic? Asexual? Secretly a woman in men’s clothing? HIV positive? Heterophobic? Going to die of cancer in six months? About to kill you? On probation? A rapist? A pimp? Moving to the Himalayas and never coming back?

“…taken. Sorry, Kath, I’m already taken.” On second thought, Miles decided the previous ideas may have been a bit over the top.

Kath’s eyes visibly bulged slightly, but otherwise, she remained unaffected and continued her cheeky smile, before winking and whispering into his ear, “Come on, Miles, we both know that isn’t true.”

He quickly pushed himself up from his seat, dropping Kath’s hand from his shoulder in the process, and walked back around his desk to face her.

This is going to require a lot of good bluffing.

“Everett, I really am taken.” Liar… “Which is the only reason I seriously can’t go on a date with you.” Liar. “I really admire you and you’re a great person, but I already have someone.” Liar! “It’s the real reason I haven’t been dating anyone.” Even Wright could have bluffed that better!

He cleared his slowly drying throat and tried to calm his thoughts. Lying was not something Miles relished. He detested lies, but these would surely ease the pain. He mentally told himself over and over again: the only reason for being such a coward was that he definitely didn’t want a repeat of last time. That would be bad.

The previous woman had had a mental breakdown from being rejected so bluntly and was now currently going to visit a shrink once a week. Maybe it was mainly because she was a complete lunatic, but Miles really didn’t want to risk that again. He would do anything, absolutely anything, to stop that event from happening again. Seeing a person suffer a nervous collapse in front of him was one of the worst things Miles had ever witnessed, only second-best to thinking he’d killed his own father. Those nightmares had almost earned him a spot in the nearest mental institute. In fact, they most definitely would have if it weren’t for Wright…

Kath laughed, snapping him out of his thoughts again.

Damn, I really need to stop doing that so often…

“Miles, you’re such a joker!” She punched him playfully on the arm.

Maybe those other more radical excuses were a better option, after all…

“No, I’m being serious,” he replied weakly, rubbing his arm in a protective way. Physical contact did not go down well with Miles. He took a step back from Kath and leaned against the bookcase with a slight ‘You just violated my personal space’ look.

She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. “Come off it already! What kind of person would you ever allow close to you? I’ve heard all the gossip; you’ve never been in a relationship and you aren’t planning on being in one either.”

She knows I’m not interested in a relationship? Then what the hell is this damned woman doing here?

Miles frowned slightly but decided to keep up the act. “I don’t know what you mean. We’re both very happy together and I think it’s going to last a very long time.”

Well, at least until you decide to leave me alone.

“Miles, just stop it with the whole ‘I’ve got a girlfriend’ crap,” Kath snapped, going to sit down on Miles’ couch. “I’d be your perfect option at the moment, seeing as I’m leaving for Italy in exactly a month. I just thought you could use some fun to yank that stick from up your ass.”

Miles blinked. This woman was definitely one of a kind, and definitely a weird kind at that.

“Stick up my ass?” Miles crossed his arms. “Just be glad I get that enough from my acquaintances that I don’t take any offence from it.”

“Acquaintances? Don’t you mean friends?”

Miles sighed wearily and leaned his head back against the bookcase. “Just… just go, Everett.”

“No, Miles,” she insisted, a hint of seriousness in her voice. “You see, this is exactly what I’m talking about. You’re constantly pushing people away and you’re really not helping with the whole Demon Prosecutor reputation you used to have.” She smiled. “You do know we’ve all tried to forget those stupid accusations, right?”

Miles gave her a cold glare. “I have all the people I need in my life already.” Images of his childhood friends Wright and Larry, along with a glimpse of Detective Gumshoe, came flooding into his mind. These were soon followed by his sister, and even Maya Fey, who he’d helped recently for the sake of Wright.

A small and rare smile graced his lips as he continued in a calm voice, “Kath, you are wrong. I’m not lonely and I haven’t been in years.” Not since Wright reentered my life, at least. “Please, just leave. I’m not interested in dating you.”

She was about to reply when they heard a small knock and the door of the office creaked open shyly. “Edgeworth? Are you in?”

Speak of the spiky-haired devil…

Miles sighed with relief, earning him a weird glance from Kath.

“Yes, Wright, do come in.”

Phoenix entered the room and spotted Miles leaning against the bookcase. A smirk appeared on his face as he walked over with a confident stride and raised his hands in mock welcome.

“Hey, honey, I’m home!”

Christ, Wright is such a sarcastic jerk. I’m not in my office so much that it could be referred to as my home…

Wait… Oh, please say he did not just say that…

Please say he did not just call me ‘honey’!

Miles’ mouth fell open as he realized how Kath could have interpreted what Phoenix had just said. He tried desperately to form words to explain the situation, but all that came out was, “You… h… w… mnph?!”

Phoenix rolled his eyes, obviously not registering the fact that there was another person in the room. He crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase next to Miles.

“Oh, come on, Edgeworth, it wasn’t that bad. From the look on your face, it’s almost as if I’d called you ‘pumpkin’ like before in the defence lobby.”

“Wright! Shut up!” Miles managed to hiss as he clenched his fists at his side. He gave Phoenix a death glare and tipped his head towards Kath.

“...Huh?” Phoenix looked at Miles blankly, before turning to face in the direction he was indicating.

Kath was still sitting on the magenta couch, staring straight at Phoenix. Her eyes were open so wide, it looked as if they would just fall out of their sockets, and her hands were clasping her skirt in amazement.

Oh, please say she knows it was just a joke…

Christ, I did refer to my pretend partner as a girlfriend, didn’t I?

Didn’t I?!

Miles tried to explain. “Evere… Kath, it really isn’t what you thi--”

“Oh, hey! Didn’t see you there,” Phoenix interrupted. He obviously thought that Miles had just hissed at him because he was being rude for ignoring his guest, and so he stepped over to where Kath was sitting and held out a hand. “I’m Phoenix Wright, defence attorney. Nice to meet you…?”

Kath stared at him with a dazed look for a few seconds, before taking his hand and letting out a croaked and quiet, “Everett. Kath Everett… Prosecuting attorney.”

“Nice to meet you, Miss Everett.” He smiled at her and dropped her hand, before turning back around to Miles. “Hey, since when have you been so sociable with your fellow prosecutors?”

Miles gave Phoenix a piercing look in an attempt to send his desperate thoughts telepathically. Unfortunately, it looked as though that wasn’t going to work.

“She was merely enquiring if I would like to join her for a meal,” he explained, haughtily.

“Oh, sure, I get it,” Phoenix cooed melodramatically. “And I thought I was the only one for you!” He raised his hand to his head in apparent distress.

Miles looked at him in disgust.

You just have to keep pushing it, don't you?

You pathetic excuse for a genius…

What the hell's wrong with him, anyway? He's acting kind of strange…

Miles sighed loudly. “Will you just shut that loud mouth of yours for one damned second and let me explain the situation?”

“Mr. Wright, Miles really wasn’t doing anything of the sort,” Kath spoke up, waving her hands nervously and giving him wide, sorry eyes.

“What a relief. Now I can go on living a happy, Miles-loving life,” Phoenix said, dropping the hand that had been pressed against his forehead all that time.

What!?

Oh, hell no, this is getting stupid…

“I’m sorry! I really am! I should have recognized the signs that he didn’t like women. I was the one who came onto him and… and…” Kath looked up into Phoenix’s now confused eyes and quickly bolted for the door.

“I’ll see you, Miles. I… I’m sorry for trying to get you to go on a date with me even though you’re already t-taken,” she stuttered, probably gathering the new information to process for the rumour mill. She nodded and took off down the corridor.

Miles just stood rooted to the spot, blinking rapidly, too shocked to prevent her quick exit.

Phoenix laughed and gave Miles a ‘Do I take her seriously?’ look. “I didn’t know you weren’t interested in women,” he remarked.

“You don’t understand what you’ve just done, do you?” Miles growled.

Phoenix blinked a few times, finally seeming to realize that something wasn’t quite right.

About time.

He pulled a thoughtful face. “Oh, wait, that Everett doesn’t think you and me…?” He gestured between Miles and himself and raised an eyebrow. “Just what on Earth have you been telling her about me?”

“I haven’t said anything about you or about your tasteless sarcasm,” Miles retorted.

Phoenix visibly flinched at the icy response, and gave Miles a confused and hurt look.

Miles brought his palm to his forehead in frustration, before pointing an accusing finger at Phoenix. “Don’t go acting the innocent, Wright. It’s your bloody fault! You and your gay jokes making her think I’m--”

Wait… Miles’ scheming side spoke up, effectively cutting off the rest of the speech.

This is a perfect opportunity!

I hadn’t even thought of making sexual orientation an excuse, but if she thinks I'm gay…

I’d be free from her clutches.

But, come on. Wright, of all people…?

Well, he’s not bad-looking, as such…

Ugh, what am I saying? Good-looking or not, Wright is my closest friend. I’m not going to jeopardize our friendship because of some woman who decided to hit on me. And I don’t want to be labelled a pansy for the rest of my life…

Oh, who cares? Seriously, if people think I’m gay, then what would it change? It’s not as if I’ve ever been interested in women…

But I’ve never been interested in men, either.

…Does that make me asexual?

No, no, no! Shut up! I can be attracted to people!

Christ, now I’m shouting at myself…

But of course I'm not asexual. Maybe I’m just slightly gay…

…What?

This is ridiculous. I obviously just don’t do relationships.

Or maybe I'm in denial…

Damn it! Just get a grip, already! I’m definitely not gay, and I’m definitely not going to make her think I am. That’s just insane. How did that stupid idea even get into my head in the first place?

Miles sighed and rubbed his temples. The headache he could feel coming on reminded him why he’d always avoided thinking about those things.

“Edgeworth? Hey, Edgeworth. Could you please tell me what the hell’s going on here?” Phoenix asked, waving his hand in front of Miles’ face.

Miles sighed again, pushing aside his thoughts. “To cut a long story short; she hit on me, I’m not interested, so I told her I was taken, and then you came in and made all those jokes, and now she thinks we’re together.” He looked back into Phoenix’s shocked eyes and scowled again. “It’s entirely your fault. Now, if I tell her she was right, she’s going to go and tell everyone, but if I tell her she’s wrong, she’ll just hit on me again. Or have a mental breakdown, of course.” He leaned back onto the bookcase, head in hands. “I’m fed up of the female sex.”

“Oh…” Phoenix said, simply.

“Oh, indeed.”

There was a long silence as Miles stood, holding his head, and Phoenix stared out of the window, apparently thinking.

“Edgeworth, I think I have a solution to your problem.”

Miles raised his head and gave Phoenix a sceptical look, raising an eyebrow. “A solution to this mess, just like that? Hah. Sure you do.”

“Hey, you don’t believe me?” Phoenix replied, pouting.

“Unless you’re hiding some magic wishing dust somewhere in that cheap suit of yours, then no, I don’t believe you.”

Miles looked at Phoenix in disbelief when he started to search his jacket. “Wright, are you quite done acting like an idiot?”

Phoenix blinked. “But it’s a foolproof plan!” he whined, pulling his hand out of his pocket.

Miles rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what ridiculous ideas you have, anyway. She’ll eventually get disinterested like all the others if I just ignore her for a bit and--”

“It’s alright, I’ll do it, honey.”

Miles raised an eyebrow again. “You’ll do what, now?” His eyes widened even further as Phoenix pointed to him then towards his own body in what could only be described as a seductive way. “What the hell...? No! That’s got to be the worst idea you’ve ever suggested in the entire history of your life.”

“I always have ‘bad ideas’.” Phoenix raised his hands, moving his fingers to display the sarcastic quotation marks around his so-called bad ideas. “But they normally pay off in the end, sugar.”

Sugar? Honey? Am I missing something, or do I have a right to be this creeped out?

“At least think about this,” Phoenix continued. “If you pretend to go out with me, you can just tell her to keep it a secret, and she’ll be off your back.” He shrugged and sat down on the desk behind him, before adding to his speech with a raised finger, “Plus, I make a good boyfriend.”

Miles gave him a blank look. “There’s no way I’m going through with this.” He snorted and stalked over to his desk, sitting down to pick up the telephone, only to be stopped by Phoenix’s hand on the receiver.

“Hey, don’t turn me down so easily here, my love,” Phoenix said in an amused voice, smirking.

“Wright, you are pushing your luck. Now, start taking this mess seriously!” Miles snapped. “I’m this close,” he gestured with his hand just how close, “to killing you right now.”

“Nah, you wouldn’t. That’d waste all my good work in getting you out of jail,” Phoenix said cockily, letting go of the phone. He started inspecting his nails, as if he wasn’t interested in the conversation.

Miles rolled his eyes and looked away from him, hiding an amused smile.

You’re impossible, Wright…

He dialled the number of Kath’s office and put the receiver to his ear, ready to blurt out that she’d got the wrong idea and that he wasn’t really going out with Wright, the greatest sarcastic and impulsive idiot to ever walk the Earth.

But… Wright was offering to help?

Seriously offering or otherwise, this could make things easier…

I'm already friends with him anyway, and I don't exactly want to give Everett a mental breakdown…

He frowned.

Maybe pretending to be gay for a while would be bearable.

Phoenix suddenly started laughing, presumably at Miles’ expression.

What now…?

He's acting so oddly today…

“Hello?”

Miles shook his head as he dismissed that train of thought. “Hello, Everett, it’s Edgeworth. I just wanted to say…”

What did I want to say?

Do I really want to give her the impression that I’m rejecting her?

“Oh, Miles, I’m really sorry about before. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been. I should have seen the signs that you didn’t like women, you know, with your hard-to-get attitude and all.”

Miles gritted his teeth at that jibe. The fact that he wasn’t interested in relationships didn’t automatically make him gay.

“No, Everett, that’s not it. I just wanted to explain…”

Explain what?

Come on, am I getting brain freeze again?

He looked over at the defence attorney to his left, who was currently inspecting his chessboard with great interest. Phoenix looked deep in thought over the position of the pieces for some reason.

And then Miles realized he was staring, while Everett was rambling away to no one on the other end of the phone line.

“…And I can’t believe all those times you said you were taken and I just took it as a lie. I really thought I was good at seeing through lies as well! Please forgive me.”

Miles closed his eyes. He needed to make a decision.


Oh, screw it!

“It’s okay, there’s really no need to apologize, Everett.”

“Kath.”

“Right, Kath. I need to ask you to keep our… seeing each other… quiet. Wright and I have decided to keep our relationship as private as possible so our… so our... erm… sexuality… jobs… and the media… it’s so they won’t get in the way.”

Very smooth, Miles, very bloody smooth.

“Sure! I’ll do that! Oh, thank you, Miles, for entrusting me with your secret. I hope that weird guy can help you get rid of that stick up your ass… Or is it that you don’t want to, now?” She giggled at her little joke.

…Ha-fucking-ha.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it. I’ll see you around,” Miles said, relieved, before hanging up the phone. He leaned back in his chair to let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and opened his eyes.

In front of him stood a horror-struck defence attorney.

“Um… Edgeworth… You do know I was joking when I said I’d pretend to be your partner, right?”

Oh, hell no.

“W-what?!” Miles spluttered. He leaned forward and slammed his hand down on the desk. “What the hell?! I’ve just told someone I’m in a bloody relationship with you because of your stupid advice and now you say it was a fucking joke!?”

He hit the desk once more for good measure and glared at the man opposite him. Phoenix at least had the decency to look embarrassed as he nervously took a few steps backwards, holding his hands out defensively.

“I… err… um… well…”

“What the hell did you even come here for?! If it weren’t for you and your unexplained appearance, then I wouldn’t have had to pretend to be fucking gay!”

Phoenix looked scared. His expression almost reminded Miles of Mike Meekins during that case a year ago. Miles knew he could look pretty scary when he got mad, but he didn't care. He had officially lost his temper, and Wright had taken too long to think up a defence.

“Listen,” Phoenix spoke up. “I’ve had quite a bit to drink…”

Oh… So now he tells me.

Well, it explains a lot. I knew there was something not right about him.

“I came over to see if you wanted to… talk. I need to get some things off my chest because I’m so confused and I--”

“It’s not even work-related? And you’re drunk!? Couldn’t you have just picked up the damned phone instead of coming here!?” He took a deep, steady breath in and held it, before letting it out again. “Get out.”

“But… I…”

“Damn it, Wright! Just leave already.”

“But I really need your help, Edgew--”

“I said. Get. Out. I’ll sort this mess out with you tomorrow when I’m in a better mood and you’re not drunk.” Miles glared at Phoenix and pointed to the exit.

Phoenix didn’t hang around long. He quickly disappeared behind the door, and Miles was left to stew on his words and actions.

Miles Edgeworth never lost it that badly. This was seriously one insane situation. He leaned forward and placed his head into his hands.

In all honesty, Wright was the worst person he could be pretending to date. For a start, he was as straight as any man can be, and he’d been intoxicated when he jokingly suggested the fake relationship. Even if he was still willing to help, they worked on the opposite sides of the courtroom. If word ever did get out about their ‘relationship’, then the media would have a field day.

Why had he listened to the idiot? Why hadn’t he thought of all this earlier? Why couldn’t he just have had a normal reason to turn Everett down? Why were things always so damned difficult for him? He’d never been in a relationship before, let alone had relationship problems, and now he had gotten caught up in this whole stupid thing with Wright? God seriously liked messing with his head, that was for sure.

Speaking of Wright, Miles now felt horrible for losing it like that in front of him. He groaned miserably into his hands and had to resist the urge to punch something. It was just like that day when he’d lost in court and poured coffee all over himself from scrunching up a paper cup in anger.

Yet again, thanks to Wright.

But there was that one little thought in the back of his mind – the one little thought that stopped him from breaking down right then and there:

---

Last edited by Shiva on Wed Aug 25, 2010 1:49 am, edited 36 times in total.

Good job so far! I really can't wait for more!! :)

And I definitely could see Phoenix acting that way around Miles when he's drunk, since we all know he really does have feelings for him, lol.

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-Bring bring, bring bring-

Phoenix let one of his eyes flutter open to witness… darkness. Confused, he turned onto his back, but the onslaught of sunlight that was streaming through the window caught him off guard, and he quickly decided to snap his eyelid shut again. Why hadn’t he drawn those curtains last night?

-Bring bring, bring bring-

On the subject of annoying things, what the hell was that noise? It was like a thousand knives stabbing at his eardrums!

-Bring bring, bring bring-

“Agh… Go away… Stop the torture… I like my ears how they are…” Phoenix mumbled incoherently, holding his head and rolling from side to side.

-Bring bring, bring bring- … -click-

He suddenly fell on something he could have sworn was an extremely floor-like surface. He let out a long groan of discomfort and surrendered, waiting for the next assault of painful noise.

But it never came.

He lay there like a statue for a while, convinced that the smallest movement might bring back the irritating rings. The urgent need to click all of his stiff joints eventually started to grow more apparent, but he didn't exactly want to risk losing his hearing again, so he just lay still, waiting.

Phoenix eventually realized that the noise was not about to return and decided it was safe to stretch. A jolt of pain flashed in his right hand as it collided with a solid object that was way too low to have been a bedside table. He hissed and rolled over to see what the offending object had been, opening his eyes to come face to face with his newspaper-covered coffee table.

Coffee Table - one, Phoenix Wright - nil, he thought glumly, sitting up to kick the evil lump of wood. Yeah, take that! It made him feel a little better, at least. He kicked it again, only to cringe away in pain.

“Ow, ow, ow! Damn’t…” Phoenix nursed his now throbbing foot and rolled his eyes at no one in particular. It was already the perfect morning.

He slowly pushed himself up into a standing position and rubbed harshly at his stinging left eye. Now, where had that annoying noise come from?

Phoenix scanned the room and, using his mighty detective skills, came to the conclusion that it must have been his phone, which was placed right next to the couch he had evidently been lying on.

Looking down at himself, Phoenix realized that his blue suit had a definite hobo vibe, crinkles covering his entire torso. He let out another groan as he hopelessly tried to flatten down the stubborn material, and then cursed himself as he remembered how he had crashed out on the couch after downing a few too many beers when he arrived home.

Stepping around his coffee table and over a random shoe, Phoenix stared back at his own brown eyes in the frameless mirror hanging on the wall.

To state it bluntly, he looked an absolute mess.

His eyes were bloodshot, spiked with red veins, with dark circles forming underneath. The usually clear and tanned skin he sported was now an unnatural pasty colour, giving him the look of a melted waxwork. But that wasn’t all; the worst of it was his hair… Oh, his beloved hair! It was as flat as a pancake that had been sat on by Sal Manella! He desperately tried to poof it up with his hands, but failed miserably.

Hey, at least it wasn’t anything life-threatening. So what if he looked like the corpse of Manfred von Karma on a bad day? Phoenix was a man; he could cope with his demons.

Well, so long as he didn’t have to look at them, at least.

He turned his attention back to the phone and walked over to it, this time tripping on the shoe, much to his dismay. Today just keeps getting better and better, he thought, sighing impatiently as he regained his balance.

He finally managed to reach the now quiet object and picked up the handset. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw that he had twenty missed calls, and apparently, new voicemail. Phoenix wasn’t exactly what one would call a social bunny, and this was a new experience for him. Blinking profusely to make sure his eyesight wasn’t impaired, he dialled the number to retrieve his messages.

-Beep-

‘You have three new messages.

First message, received yesterday at 1:34 P.M.’

“Nick, where are you? I hope for your own good that you aren’t igno--”

‘Message deleted.’

Phoenix panicked at the sound of the all-too-familiar voice and quickly pressed the third button on the keypad. He didn’t really want to think about why he hadn’t gone into work the day before, but his assistant’s voice seemed to bring it all back to him…

He quickly fumbled with a few buttons to get the rest of his messages, nearly dropping the handset a couple of times.

‘Next message, received yesterday at 8:51 P.M.’

“Yo, Nick! Just calling to remind you that… uh… oh, wait, I’ve forgotten what I’m supposed to remind you…” At this point, the voice that could only have belonged to his friend Larry seemed to trail off in frustration. “Awh, man. Wait! Hold on, I know what to do! I wrote it all down somewhere…” Some scuffling and rustling of papers – and only God knows what else that was crammed into Larry’s apartment – could be heard throughout the pause that followed. “Aha! Yes, here it is. It says to remind you that we need to meet up tomorrow for lunch at your place. So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then, Nicky-boy. Wait… hang on… What?! Your place for lunch? Bastard, I haven’t got any beer to bring or anything, and I’m so totally broke, dude! Please say you’ll buy everything, right? I don’t want to blow you off, man, we haven’t met up in ages. I spent all my money on Coralie last week, and then she split up with me on Wednesday. –Sigh-, Coralie and her beautiful hair extensions, long model legs, great cooking skills, kinky fluffy handcuffs… Why me? I’m so fucking pathetic! How was I supposed to know that when she said we were on a break, it actually meant she could go and date other guys? I just thought she was talking about my work shift at the salon, so I took the rest of the day off… Oh wait… Salon… work… Damn! I’m in so much sh--”

-Beep-

Well, that seemed to be the end of that rambling session. Phoenix sighed with relief. Larry’s breakdowns were hard to watch, or even listen to, and he didn’t know if he could stand listening to an hour’s worth of grief. And now it looked like the Butz had forgotten to go to work. Phoenix laughed and shook his head before accessing the final message that was left in his voicemail box.

‘Last message, received today at 12:15 P.M.’

“Good day, Wright. I’m phoning because I wanted to remind you how much of an ass you made me look yesterday, not to mention your own self. I’ve already called you near enough fifteen times, but you still won’t pick up, so I’ve decided I’m inviting myself around for a talk. And no, I don’t care if you’ve got plans. If you wanted time to recover from your well-deserved hangover, then you should have thought about that before you came to my office and made me gay… err… made me look gay… in front of a fellow prosecutor – who is a very respectable woman, I’ll have you know – and then led me into pretending to date you. Expect me in twenty minutes. If you want your life to last past that deadline, then I sincerely hope that you can give me a good reason for your slight intoxication and complete idiocy.”

-Beep-

‘End of new messages.’

Phoenix couldn’t help but laugh at Edgeworth’s last comment. What kind of person calls being drunk out of your head a ‘slight intoxication’? Such a class act…

But his smile quickly started to dissipate as he directed his attention back to the rest of the message.

I made Edgeworth look gay? Since when!?

Damn, he’d completely forgotten his stupid conversation with Edgeworth… All he could remember was… well, not much, to be frank. He knew he’d had a couple of drinks by then – not enough to render him completely incoherent – and as the scene played out within his mind, the only thing that stood out was getting rudely chucked out by the other man.

He really didn’t want to dwell on how much of a loud-mouthed, drunken jerk he must have been to actually manage to make Edgeworth lose it. It was weird, but his own ridiculous action of getting drunk over something so insignificant reminded him strangely of his friend Larry.

A shiver of fear ran up Phoenix’s spine.

One rule of life: never, ever, take the opportunity to compare yourself to the Butz.

As to what had actually happened yesterday, the evidence so far was pretty vague. Phoenix was now apparently pretending to date Edgeworth, for reasons unknown, and he also knew that the other man was pretty pissed off about it. Oh, and there had been a female prosecutor present somewhere during all of this…


Ah, yes… the small woman in the green jacket who was looking at me all weird…

Phoenix groaned out loud and dropped the handset back onto the phone. There had to be something to remind him of all the undoubtedly weird events of yesterday. He desperately scanned the room for anything that could help him piece together this mess, until his eyes rested on a pile of letters on the floor. It was a load of junk mail that needed sorting. Perhaps doing such a simple activity could stir his brain from its slumber?

He went over to pick up the letters and looked at each one in turn.

Advertisement for a random window cleaner… bills… reminder about some building construction next door… They must have remembered I’m a lawyer that could sue their asses off… Bank account statement… free coupon for some garden centre… more unpayable bills… How exciting. Wow, look at those prices for that new restaurant! Oh my… who on Earth would want to eat honey-covered frog legs? There’s one place I definitely won’t be going to…


That’s right! That woman was hitting on Edgeworth…

And then Phoenix had entered the office to ask Edgeworth for some help, but had ended up doing the exact opposite and had helped him get rid of the woman instead. It was all gradually coming back to him now.

Phoenix laughed at himself. That had been a close call to drunken amnesia. But why did the word ‘honey’ ring such a huge bell…?

Oh dear…

He swallowed nervously as every creepy little detail came flooding back to him. He suddenly felt like slapping himself in the face.

What an idiot… No wonder Edgeworth wants to kill me…

Shaking his head, Phoenix walked back over to his coffee table to drop the new junk on top of his already cluttered furniture.

Well, I’ve got bigger things to worry about right now, Phoenix thought, suddenly remembering he was pressed for time. Things such as an emotional car crash with a ten-mile tailback in the form of a sandy-haired idiot, and a highly pissed off, bloodthirsty prosecutor, both arriving at this dump in a few minutes.

He rubbed his still slightly hurting hand and checked his watch, hoping that, just maybe, time had turned back for him. It read 12:24. That left him around ten minutes.

Ten minutes until feeding time on the motorway.

Ten minutes to take a shower, shave, grab some late breakfast, find something to wear, brush his teeth, comb his hair, swallow some aspirin, hide all the newspapers and coffee cups that had stacked themselves up from late nights, chill some beer in the fridge that he knew only Larry would touch, and basically make his practically uninhabited – but still ridiculously messy – apartment at least slightly hygienic.

No problem for a miraculous turnabout worker such as my lovely self. But first, I really need some painkillers…

Thirteen minutes later, Phoenix mentally patted himself on the back. He had managed to ignore his stomach, take a rather rushed shower, not cut himself while having a quick shave, fix his not-as-spiky-as-normal-but-it’ll-do hair, rub a bit of toothpaste across his teeth, and magically stuff away most of the junk that was lying around, all within the time limit. But he had yet to find a clean shirt to wear. I really need to start doing the laundry more often, he scolded himself.

Just as he gave up on finding something suitable in his closet, Phoenix heard his doorbell ring ominously. He slammed the closet door shut and quickly opened the top drawer of his dresser, grabbing the first thing that came to hand and stuffing it over his head to cover his bare chest. He ran back into his living room, passing the couch he had been sleeping on until a few minutes ago, and started fiddling clumsily with the catch on the door.

Peering out sheepishly, Phoenix laid tired eyes on Count Edgeworth himself. However, it looked as though his eighteenth century clothing had disappeared, and instead, he was wearing a maroon shirt and smart casual trousers, with his long, black trench coat draped over the top. It was quite a change from his normal attire, without all the frills making their usual statement. But he still had the usual haughty, undermining look on his pale face, and that cold stare in his grey eyes.

“Ah… Edgeworth. I, um, got your message, and I’m really sorry I never picked up the phone and all. I kind of had a rough night,” Phoenix mumbled, looking away in an extremely embarrassed manner, as his behaviour from yesterday came to plague his thoughts yet again.

Miles snorted. “And here I was, thinking you were just ignoring this mess you’ve got me into.”

Phoenix stepped aside, looking down at the floor to avoid any eye contact with the other man. “Uh… I think you should come in. I have a hell of a lot to explain, and you also need some urgent help, right?”

Miles rolled his eyes. “I think it’s you that needs help, Wright. I have plenty of contacts in the psychiatric world at your disposal, if necessary.” He pointedly ignored Phoenix’s scowl and strode through the doorway without even looking at him.

What an ass… And he’s already acting like he owns the place.

The atmosphere in the room was unbearable. Both Miles and Phoenix stood there in silence, not risking even a glance at each other, the former staring off into space, and the latter still offended at the last jibe.

But apparently, Miles wasn’t going to leave it at that. He was here for a reason, and he probably realized that if he didn’t say something else, the situation would just keep getting worse.

“It’s a wonder this place keeps getting messier every time I see it, considering you practically live in your office,” Miles stated, as he inspected the room in front of him. “When was it you last decorated?”

“Hey, not everyone can afford to redo their home every Saturday!” Phoenix bit back, only too happy to have something to say. “And you’re hardly one to comment about living in the office. Besides, you’ve only been here twice, and last time, it was just to drop off that stupid poster Maya wanted.”

Miles bristled. Phoenix couldn’t really see his face, but he was pretty sure the black coat had twitched a bit.

“It was a deluxe Steel Samurai limited edition poster, which is the only one to depict him without one of his gloves after it was torn off by the Evil Magistrate in episode eleven, I’ll have you know.”

Phoenix couldn’t help but smile. How Miles could say all that with his usual superiority totally went over his head.

That was one thing that had always bothered him about Edgeworth, but it was also something he deeply respected. No matter what he did, he always managed to make it seem intentional, stylish and carefully thought out.

Phoenix himself may have been a great spontaneous thinker, but he was hopeless when it came to dealing with nerves. Yesterday seemed to have been a rare exception of Edgeworth actually losing his calm and collected demeanour. But to give him credit, he had bottled it up a lot longer than any normal person could have, and had remained incredibly well-composed in front of his colleague, even though he must have been cursing loudly on the inside at the fact that he couldn’t get his point across clearly. Phoenix knew that he would have just started sweating bullets and stuttering pathetically, had he been in such an embarrassing situation.

“She was lucky I had a spare,” Miles finally added, snapping Phoenix out of his thoughts.

“Umm… yeah,” he replied, ingeniously.

And that seemed to be the end of that ice breaker. The awkward silence came back as quickly as it had gone, leaving the two men uncomfortably staring at invisible spots around the room. I guess I have no choice…

“So, Edgeworth, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

Miles turned to face him. He opened his mouth, about to explain, but stopped suddenly. He blinked a couple of times and pointed his index finger at Phoenix’s chest. “Wright, I want an explanation. Now.” It was an order and a threat all at once.

Phoenix stiffened. That was definitely a quick change in mood. He wanted to start slow and explain everything properly. He decided to try and bluff his way out of the situation.

“Explain what, Edgeworth?” he asked with pretend confused eyes.

Miles’ hand then gestured over to the mirror behind Phoenix. “Why on Earth are you wearing a woman’s shirt?”

“…What!?”

He spun around to face the mirror and saw that, yes, he was indeed dressed in an old, oversized, light pink t-shirt Maya used to sleep in when she visited his apartment. Damn! I thought it was white from the lighting in the room… Needless to say, he looked incredibly ridiculous in it. The neckline was stretched out of shape from Maya’s weird habit of stuffing her knees under the shirt when she watched TV, and the sleeves were way too short, clinging tightly to his toned upper arms. To top it all off, the words ‘Baby Girl’ were etched in bright purple glitter on the chest area.

It was a wonder that the mirror had not cracked already after all his dreadful appearances today.

Phoenix started to blush ferociously, feeling extremely exposed. “Oh… that shirt…”

Miles brought his palm to his face. “Please don’t tell me this is some kind of sick joke about faking being gay,” he hissed menacingly through his fingers.

“Ah… ahahah,” Phoenix laughed nervously, extremely flustered, his eyes darting between Miles and his own ludicrous reflection in the mirror. “You say ‘gay’ like it’s a bad thing.”

Okay, that definitely wasn’t the smartest thing to say.

Miles dropped his hand and his face turned pale as he stared at Phoenix’s chest, before snapping his eyes back up. “Wright! I came here to discuss things with you in a rational, serious manner, and then you go and pull a stunt like this?” He shook his head in disbelief.

Discuss? All you did was stand there and insult me!

Phoenix waved his hands defensively. “Ah, don’t get me wrong! It wasn’t intentional! I was in a rush and grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on!”

“And why, dare I ask, would the first thing you can get your hands on be a woman’s shirt?” Miles asked sardonically, his face slowly regaining what little bit of colour it normally possessed.

“Err... long story,” Phoenix replied, pulling at the shirt. “Look, I’ll just take this off and go get something more suitable, so stop talking about it, okay?”

Phoenix hastily stripped off the ridiculous article of clothing, scolding himself for his own stupidity.

I'm so fucking useless…

It's already bad enough that I made an ass out of myself yesterday… And now this?

He sighed and took one last glance at the shirt he was now holding in his hands, before looking up at Miles. The expression of disgust had vanished, and he was now staring at him rather oddly. Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Miles froze to the spot, his eyes widening in panic. “No, I, uh, it’s not what you thi--”

-Ding-Dong-

Relief seemed to wash over Miles’ face at the sound of the doorbell, and he quickly went to open the door before Phoenix could so much as flinch.

Shit! Wait!

Either Miles had completely forgotten that Phoenix was standing there bare-chested, or he was looking for a sneaky bit of revenge.

Or maybe he had just seized the opportunity that had presented itself with such perfect timing to get out of whatever had seemed to catch him so unawares.

What the hell was that about, anyway?

”Edgey, my man! I didn’t know you were coming as well! Nice to see ya, dude.”

Phoenix groaned as he heard the cheery voice of his friend pour into the room from behind his door. Miles just scowled as Larry walked through the doorway and slammed one of his arms around his shoulders. He visibly winced at the physical contact.

“What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in ages!” Larry asked, his voice so loud and irritating it made Phoenix cringe.

I’m so glad I took those painkillers earlier…

“I’ve come to talk to Wright about our relationship,” Miles replied, frustrated, trying to detach the limpet-like man from his shoulders.

“Our relationship…? Eh?” Larry scratched his hair with his free hand, sporting a comical look that slightly resembled ‘thinking’. “Why would you be talking to Nick about me?”

Miles whacked him on the back of his head. “Idiot.”

Phoenix twiddled a bit with the t-shirt as he watched Larry pout at Miles and complain about how he was the one everyone always picked on for no good reason. Miles just smirked and seemed to relax as Larry let go of his grip in favour of waving his arms about, frantically trying to prove his point.

But Phoenix didn’t have time to watch their foolish banter. As sneakily as possible, he tried to exit the room to go find a suitable shirt to put on. He managed to reach the coffee table, only to be interrupted by an amused voice.

“Larry, are you always this rude? You have yet to say hello to your host,” Miles said evilly, gesturing over in Phoenix’s general direction.

Damn it! Stupid prosecutor and his stupid revenge…

Larry rolled his eyes and muttered something about ‘acting like my grandma’, before finally turning to Phoenix. “Hey there, Nick!” he shouted across the room, as though Phoenix was a mile away, rather than only ten feet.

Phoenix froze to the spot, catching sight of his blush and half-naked body in the mirror directly in front of him.

Larry did a double take and blinked, before turning to Miles, a puzzled look on his face. “Uh… dude, is it just me, or is his shirt see-through?”

Miles blinked back at him, his smirk disappearing rapidly. That obviously wasn’t the reaction he had expected. He brought his hand to his face and sighed loudly, seemingly unable to acknowledge how clueless this man really was. “Idiot, idiot, idiot…” he muttered repeatedly under his breath.

It was Phoenix who eventually decided to put the ‘idiot’ out of his misery.

“I’m not wearing a shirt, Larry,” he said, resignedly. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go and get chang--”

“What?!” Larry exclaimed, almost yelling, cutting off the speech. “Why were you in a room with Edgey… topless?”

Agh! Of all the things… and he manages to pick that fact up?!

Larry crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head to the side, apparently trying to piece everything together. “Awh, man, that’s so weird, seeing as though he was here to talk about a relationship and all… Wha--” He jumped into the air and pointed his finger accusingly at Phoenix. “You and him?! But I thought you liked--”

“Shut it, Larry!” Phoenix interrupted quickly, before he could jump to stupid conclusions. “The reason why I’m shirtless is because I was wearing a woman’s top and--”

“A woman’s top? My, Nick, you really are kinky!”

Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck, damning all loud-mouthed, conclusion-jumping people in his mind. “Uh… Larry, that’s not it… It’s Maya’s old t-shirt, which I grabbed by accident cause I was in a rush… I took it off because it looked even more ridiculous on me than I do shirtless.”

Larry narrowed his eyes and glared at the two of them in turn with a scrutinizing gaze. Perhaps he was meant to look intimidating? Nevertheless, he didn’t seem to buy the story.

“Hey, Edgeworth, help me out here!” Phoenix turned his pleading eyes towards the amused man next to the door.

Miles smirked and waved his hand at Phoenix. “What he said.”

It wasn’t exactly the most believable effort Phoenix had ever seen in his life, but Larry seemed to go along with it as he traded his narrow look for a wide smile.

“Why didn’t you say so in the first place, Nick?” he asked, chuckling.

Phoenix raised both eyebrows at him. “Erm…” Maybe it’s because that’s the most unbelievable and ridiculous thing I’ve ever had to explain in my life! “…I dunno.” He shrugged. “Anyway, I’m just glad we got that sorted out. Now, why don’t you two make yourselves comfortable while I finally go and get changed?”

Phoenix gestured towards his bedroom and disappeared into it without even waiting for their answers, eager to leave with the small bit of dignity he had left. He shut the door behind him and leaned on it with his back, wiping his brow vigorously as relief flooded over him.

Shaking his head, he threw the t-shirt onto his bed and made his way over to the chest of drawers, searching for the navy shirt that he knew was in there somewhere. After finding it and putting it on, he brushed the nonexistent fluff from his trousers and opened the door to the other room.

Larry seemed to have already forgotten about the previous events and had apparently taken Phoenix’s suggestion to make himself comfortable. His body was draped across the couch and his orange jacket had been thrown recklessly on the back of the armchair in the corner. He was mindlessly twittering away about his beloved Coralie to a very uninterested Miles, who was currently inspecting a picture on Phoenix’s wall, his coat folded neatly over his arm.

As he walked in, Phoenix saw Miles take a sneaky look at his clothes, just in case he had mucked up again or forgotten to change, but he seemed satisfied enough with the navy shirt.

“Sorry about that,” Phoenix began, smiling sheepishly. “Either of you want a drink or something?”

Larry mimed opening a beer bottle, then downing the imaginary substance, before raising both thumbs up and sticking out his tongue.

Miles frowned over at Larry disapprovingly. “I’ll just take a coffee.”

Phoenix nodded, then noticed Miles’ awkward stance. “Edgeworth, don’t just stand there. You can have a seat, you know?” He took a step towards Miles. “Here, let me take your coa--” He tripped over the same shoe from before and fell forwards slightly, desperately grabbing onto the nearest object to keep himself steady.

Perfect, just perfect... I’m sure that damned thing has moved!

He felt like such a fool. It also definitely didn’t help that the ‘object’ in question happened to be a certain prosecutor’s arm.

Time stood still.

Literally.

At this point, Phoenix could have sworn that time had a mind of its own, slowing down on purpose to sadistically make him relive the embarrassing moment over and over again in his mind.

Then, to add to his misery, he realized the other man was glaring at him.

“If you wanted to take my coat that badly, I would recommend a sneakier method than to throw yourself at me and dangle hopelessly off my arm,” Miles said coldly, eventually shaking the other man off of him.

Larry laughed ridiculously loudly from the couch. “Nick, dude, you’re a total walking disaster today!”

“Tell me about it…” Phoenix muttered under his breath. He took Miles’ coat and hung it neatly on the back of the door before going into the kitchen, all the while ignoring Larry’s continuous cackle in the background.

A few minutes later, he headed back into the living room with the drinks and handed them around.

“Wright,” Miles spoke up, looking at his coffee. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

He sounded so serious Phoenix couldn’t help but stare at him, perplexed. “Err… I don’t think so…” Unless you’re referring to my dignity and pride.

“I was just wondering why I didn’t get some honey, or even a bit of sugar,” Miles said mockingly, an evil smirk appearing on his lips. It seemed as though he was on the revenge warpath today.

Larry twirled his goatee in confusion. “Eh…? But I thought you liked your coffee black, Edgey.”

Phoenix was still staring at Miles, not knowing how to respond.

Oh, no… He wouldn’t… Not in front of Larry, of all people…

Miles suddenly looked up, meeting his gaze, which caused him to blush and look away in embarrassment.

Miles smiled again. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you made this very lovingly,” he continued in a bitter voice, totally ignoring Larry’s question. “I just thought you’d have put a little more effort into this, considering you did boast about what a great friend you make.”

Phoenix clenched his fists at his sides. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Edgeworth,” he said cautiously, hoping the man would get the fact that he was sorry on more than one level.

Miles shrugged. “No matter.” He took a sip of his coffee, and then paused, apparently in thought. “You wouldn’t happen to have any pumpkin juice, would you…?”

That does it! Screw the tension and the awkward situation! That jerk is making a total mockery out of me!

“I’m sorry, okay!?” Phoenix yelled, shocking Larry so much that he started to choke on his drink. “I got a bit drunk because I had a rough day, so sue me! All I wanted to do was come and talk to you to ask for your help! How the hell was I supposed to know that you’d have some woman you’re not interested in sitting there!?” He lowered his head to look down at the coffee table, not wanting to face Miles’ expression.

“Don’t you start blaming this on me, Wright!” Miles hissed back. “You came and mucked up my life, not the other way around!”

“Are you sure ‘bout that, Edgey? You’ve always been kind of a stick-in-the-mud,” Larry cut in. Miles sent a death glare in his direction, making him shrink back into the couch.

“What do you mean I mucked up your life? All I did was try and help you out!” Phoenix exclaimed, snapping his head back up.

Miles snorted and crossed his arms. “I’d like to hear your definition of ‘helping someone’.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake…” Phoenix rolled his eyes and stood up straight, crossing his arms.

Miles didn’t look too pleased with the answer. “Well, it seems that your best way of ‘helping someone out’ is to give them false advice and watch them make a total, utter fool of themselves!”

Phoenix sighed.

So he thinks I suggested that we pretend to date just to humiliate him…?

Okay, upon reflection, maybe that was a pretty retarded joke to make…

But if Mr. Genius thought it was a good enough idea to actually go through with it, then whose fault is that?

“Just so you know, Edgeworth,” Phoenix replied, so quietly that the other two could barely make it out, “if you thought it was such a good idea, then I don’t mind carrying it out.” He shrugged at the confused men in front of him. While Larry was still desperately trying to figure out what on Earth was going on, Miles was giving him a baffled ‘What are you on?’ look. Phoenix cleared his throat and continued, louder this time, “It’s no big deal; I probably won’t even have to do anything, seeing as though I never even see that woman.”

Miles frowned deeply and then seemed to slip out of the conversation as his eyes glazed over.

“Dude, what the hell are you babbling about? What idea do you need to carry out?” Larry whined, sitting up on the couch. “Awh, man, why am I always the one that gets left out? Somebody throw me a bone here!”

Phoenix felt a sudden urge to throw more than just a stupid bone at the annoying man. Oh my God, does he ever shut up!? The situation was already enough of a handful without having to deal with Larry’s dumb questions.

Snapping out of his absentmindedness, Miles apparently decided to put an end to all these frustrating interruptions by actually bothering to explain.

“Wright over here kindly suggested that we pretend to date to stop some woman who I’m not interested in from trying to get me to go on a date with her before she leaves in a month,” he stated bluntly, turning away. He sighed. “Preposterous…”

Before she leaves…? Well, that’s news to me…

Phoenix was not aware that there was a time limit, but if that was the case, it would be only one more reason to go through with his idea.

Hang on… Does Edgeworth even realize he just said all that to Larry?

Much to Phoenix’s surprise, all Larry did was raise a solitary eyebrow and stroke his chin. “The old ‘I’m already taken’ excuse backfired, eh?”

Phoenix’s mouth dropped open. Okay, that definitely wasn’t the reaction I was expecting… He glanced over at Miles, anticipating a similar expression on his face, but realized he was simply lost in thought again.

Larry held up both his fists excitedly. “You’re both thinking ‘How the hell does he know that?’, right?” He was clearly enjoying the attention; Phoenix could tell he was going to milk this for all it was worth.

“Yes,” came Phoenix’s fast response, overlapped by a lazy, “No, not particularly…” from Miles.

Larry seemed to totally ignore Miles’ monotone reply, his eyes gaining a little glint within them. “Let’s just say I have firsthand experience with this.”

“You mean you’ve had to reject a woman before without knowing how to do it properly?” Miles asked, slightly sceptically.

Larry laughed so loudly that Phoenix almost dove for his glass vase next to his armchair to make sure it didn’t break from the noise. “Me? Reject a woman? What kind of man do you think I am?” He laughed again and shook his head in amusement. Apparently, Larry hadn’t quite learned that being way too easy was actually not a great thing. “No, Edgey. I was in Nick’s position. You know; the kind, generous, brilliant one to sacrifice his dignity, all to help a friend out.” He winked and went to take another gulp out of his bottle, shaking it when nothing came out, only to realize it was already empty.

“What? You never told me you had to pretend to be gay before!” Phoenix said, slightly offended that Larry hadn’t confided in him.

“That’s because I didn’t,” Larry explained. “My friend was a girl, unlike silly Edgey over here.” He gestured towards Miles, his hand still holding the empty beer bottle.

“Don’t look at me! I never thought of the stupid idea!” Miles replied hotly.

Putting his index finger over his lips, Phoenix held out his other hand in Miles’ direction in a signal to tell him to ‘shut the hell up’. Miles scowled at the gesture, but ‘shut the hell up’ anyway.

Larry looked off into space for a bit, finger poised on his chin. “Actually, I think I have a way of making this work out for you,” he stated, apparently really smug that he was helping Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth out.

They had all gotten so used to it being the other way around that Phoenix couldn’t even remember the last time Larry had done something helpful in his life, excluding the times he had stumbled upon the conclusive evidence that had ended up helping him in court.

Phoenix glanced at Miles. He could practically see ‘Great, here we go again’ written all over his face. Phoenix secretly agreed with him, but he decided to hear Larry’s side of the story first.

“You have an idea, Larry?” Phoenix asked, genuinely curious to hear what the Butz would suggest.

If it’s anything to do with romance, Larry is the genius of destroying it.

This could be interesting…

Larry’s eyes sparkled even brighter, his hands clenching further together and a vivid smile lighting up his face. “Hell yes!”

Miles let out an exasperated sigh, before apparently deciding to humour the excited man. “Do elaborate.”

At Larry’s confused look, Phoenix chuckled. “He’s basically asking you to explain.”

Larry looked up at the ceiling for a moment, seemingly taking in the new information. “Oh, right, I can do that.” He pushed over slightly to make room on both sides of him. He then patted the blue couch with his hands, giving his friends an inviting look. Phoenix automatically joined him, eventually followed by a somewhat hesitant Miles.

Larry leant back, wrapping his arms around his friends’ shoulders.

The stench of stale beer hit Phoenix’s nose, making him cough distastefully. He turned his head slightly and realized that Larry was holding the now long empty bottle right next to his face. He quickly wrenched it out of his hand and propped it firmly onto the coffee table, making the other man wince a bit in the process.

Larry shrugged. “Well, this is how I see it. The woman you’re talking about must be pretty obsessed with Edgey over here.” He patted Miles on the back and received an unamused twitch of the eye in return. “So I think you pretending to be gay with Nick is a classic way of getting her off your back.”

…Brilliant! It’s not like it was my idea to start with or anything…

“Um… really?” Phoenix asked, slightly scared for his well-being. Larry’s agreement had only backed up his previous thought about acting like the Butz yesterday, which was definitely not a good thing in any shape or form.

“Yeah!” Larry practically shouted down their ear holes, looking from side to side at the both of them.

Why do I get the impression he’s being a bit too enthusiastic about this?

Larry suddenly drew his arms back, crossing them over his chest. He looked up again, a musing look setting in on his face. “Of course, I can’t say I understand why any sane guy would want to reject a chick… unless…” He glanced at the man to his right, blinking a few times. “Edgey, you’re not really gay, are you?”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. I knew it.

Miles gritted his teeth at the sudden question, giving his friend a death glare. “Shut up, Larry. Just because I’m not as desperate as you are doesn’t mean I’m gay!”

Larry waved his hands defensively. “Dude, calm down! I was only asking.” As Miles slowly regained his composure, Larry crossed his arms again, yet another pensive expression appearing on his face. “I guess she must be pretty ugly then, huh?”

The two attorneys looked at each other in disbelief.

“What are you talking about, Larry?” Miles asked, raising an eyebrow. He obviously knew exactly what Larry meant, but he probably didn't want to believe how dense his friend really was.

“That chick. What does she look like?” He chuckled at Miles’ blank expression. “Come on, Edgey, are you that slow?”

Look who’s talking…

Miles sighed, looking away. “I fail to see how this is relevant.”

After a few seconds of silence, he turned to face Larry again, only to realize that his statement hadn’t been simple enough for the idiot to understand. He brought his palm to his face. “Who cares, Larry?”

“What do you mean? I’m just asking you if she’s hot or not.” He shook his head, wrapping his arm around Miles’ shoulders again. “Come on, tell me. It’s not like I’m gonna steal her away from you or anything.”

Miles clenched his fists. “Larry, were you even listening!? I said I wasn’t interested.”

“Awh... Edgey, dude, don’t be like that. I was just wondering what she looked like. You know how much I love women, don’t you?” He grinned. “So… is she cute?”

At this point, Phoenix felt like he had to do something. He had experienced the wrath of Edgeworth the day before, and he didn’t exactly want the events to repeat themselves. Besides, he felt bad for remaining silent for so long, leaving Edgeworth to deal with the annoying man alone.

“Um… Larry… Wasn’t there a genius idea you wanted to tell us about just a moment ago?”

Larry let go of Miles and his eyes suddenly grew wide again, slowly regaining their former glint. “…Oh, yeah! Almost forgot about that.”

Idiot…

“So here’s the Butz Break Up Plan: ‘I’m Gay and You’re Not Having Me’!” Larry squealed and clapped his hands with delight at finally putting his rubbish relationships to good use.

Phoenix and Miles gave each other a frightened look.

What have we got ourselves into?

“It’s simple,” Larry added. “You two just need to look like a couple of dudes in love and she’ll think Edgey is happily taken. In a few weeks’ time, she’ll be so convinced that she can’t have him because he’s gay, not even the judge would be able to tell her otherwise. But don’t worry, I know you two don’t want to be stuck together for a whole month, so you could probably stage a break up a week before she leaves and not get any mental scarring.” He smiled brightly and took a deep, much needed breath. “Any problems?”

“Yes,” Miles replied quickly. “I’ve spotted one drastically massive flaw in your plan right from the start.”

“I’ve done something wrong?” Larry’s voice wavered as he spoke, and his bright eyes welled up with tears. He grabbed Miles’ shoulders, but was quickly shaken off. “Agh, tell me, Edgey, man. What’s so bad about my genius idea?”

“Oh, you know, just a small matter of Wright and I being a ‘couple of dudes in love’ when we’re both straight men who’ve known each other since grade school,” he said in a mock offhanded way, standing up and waving his hand as if to bat the whole ridiculous idea away.

“Aww, come on, Edgeworth,” Phoenix moaned. “We’ll only be faking a bit of lovey-dovey romance. Just think of it as being like when you pretend my clients are guilty, when you know perfectly well that they aren’t.”

Miles twitched, but Phoenix just smirked. Revenge was a tasty treat.

“Wright, I don’t do relationships,” Miles replied indignantly. “I don’t do ‘lovey-dovey’ or touchy contact, I can’t stand pathetic little special nicknames and secrets, and I definitely can’t act as though I do, either.” He sighed and folded his arms, turning around to stare out of the window. “I can barely cope with being dependant on someone…”

There was a short silence as Miles’ words sank in.

“Well then, Edgey, looks like I’m just gonna have to give you a master class in how to be couple-ish! But don’t worry; I know I’m not going to make you a romantic type. After all, we wouldn’t want you doing all those things… It’d be… freaky.”

Larry visibly shivered, probably at some kind of image of Edgeworth holding a rose in his mouth and prancing around in a tailcoat, throwing chocolates and booking hotel reservations on heart-shaped beds.

Oh, great… Now I have that freakish image burned into my mind.

Miles looked over his shoulder and scowled. His little ‘I-haven’t-got-a-single-romantic-bone-in-my-body’ speech was probably meant to put Larry off the idea completely, and yet, the idiot was now offering to give him a ‘master class’ in romance.

I don't know whether I should laugh or feel sorry for him…

“Come on, Larry, I’m sure Edgeworth knows at least the basics of a relationship.” Phoenix nodded over at Miles. “Right, Edgeworth?”

Miles merely scowled and turned away.

Guess I’ll take that as a no, then…

Larry laughed, before leaning forward to whisper into Phoenix's ear. “You do know he has zero experience with women, right? Man, he’s had even less than you!”

…Thanks a lot, Larry! That wasn’t offensive at all…

“You’re right,” Phoenix whispered back, suddenly feeling a bit guilty. And then a nasty little idea formed into his mind. He had to fight down a smirk that threatened to pop up just at the thought of it.

“I’m sorry, Edgeworth… I’m sorry for this whole mess…” He sighed overemotionally, relying on his dramatic background to help him out a bit. “I… I just really wanted to help, you know?” He looked up at Miles with big, wide eyes. “I don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt.”

Miles turned back around to face his friend. As their eyes met, Phoenix turned his helpless look level up to a hundred percent, giving the man a truly pathetic, worn-out look.

Miles glared, giving the impression he had seen through the whole act. He then closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall, the smallest sign of a smile appearing on his lips.

“Wright… Thank you… Your little act, though quite terrible, shows me what a good friend you are.”

Phoenix blinked. He was surprised, to say the least. Not at the fact that the quick-witted prosecutor had seen through his act, or that he had just created a drastic contrast to his previous attitude, but because this was one of those rare moments where Edgeworth would actually acknowledge his friends for who they were.

Phoenix smiled. “No problem!” He paused a moment, hesitating, before adding to his statement, “Does that mean you’ll follow this idiot’s plan?” He braced himself instinctively, just in case Edgeworth might sprout a second head or something.

“Genius, I prefer genius,” Larry protested.

Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Right, genius…”

Miles smiled softly and raised his head from the wall. “I’d deeply appreciate it if you would implement such a moronic plan on my behalf, so long as it gets rid of that unpleasant situation.”

Translation: Yes.

Larry scratched his head in befuddlement and leaned over towards Phoenix. “Eh… what’d he mean by that, Nick?”

“It means that, yes, he’d love it if you taught him all about romance,” he whispered back. “Especially all the bits about sickly nicknames and lovey-dovey gestures of love.”

Phoenix smirked.

---

Last edited by Shiva on Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:43 pm, edited 10 times in total.

Can I just say that this is one of the most hilarious PW fics I've read. I love all the inner monologues that are going on between Phoenix and Edgeworth, which adds so much more to the story, and the hilarity as well. And the little subtle, "why am I staring at him like that?" expressions are great. I can't wait to hear what Larry's romance lessons are like and what he's going to put the boys through. This just keeps getting funnier and funnier. Keep up the good work, can't wait to read more.

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I really like this so far! I can see this playing out like a romantic comedy anime in my head, with pink sparkly backgrounds and big chibi eyes and so on. And things just go from bad to worse to WORSE. Hahaha, it's so EVIL, I can't wait for the next chapter. What horrors await our heroes??

If I may make one small critique, though...I thought Edgeworth using words like "bloody" was quite funny and charming (I always did imagine him having a slight British accent). But when Phoenix says "bloody" and "motorway" and other British/Canadian-isms, it looks a little out of place. Just a small detail...I'm British so I know it can be hard covering your accent in your writing!

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Ahahah yeah sorry about that. Lyrical Rawr is British and I'm Canadian so that may be why
We're doing our best to "americanize" it as much as possible though. But yeah, I always thought of Edgeworth having kind of a British accent too (especially since T&T) so him using "bloody" was intentional. As for Phoenix, if I recall correctly, he only uses it when he's thinking about Edgeworth's "bloody revenge", and it was kind of a reference to his calling him "Count Edgeworth" earlier, but maybe it wasn't obvious enough ^^; As for any other British/Canadian-isms, it was not intended so I hope it's not too bad

And I'm really glad you like it so far :) It's always great to have readers leaving feedback. It's good motivation to work on the next chapters. It's very time consuming but it's worth it if people are going to enjoy it


Thank you so much! We were really hoping people would find it funny :)

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This was so great! I actually cracked up when I read the bit about Phoenix wearing Maya's shirt, and my mom gave me a weird look, haha. Anyways, I can't wait for more!

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Thanks :) And ahah, we were kinda worried that part was a bit too over the top at first, but I'm glad we managed to make it work XD

Oh and Chapter 3 should be done soon :) Well technically it's already done but I have to finish fixing it and I've been lazy busy.

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I'm looking forward to Chapter 3! Thanks for clearing that up, too - I've just been kinda busy, hence replying now. ^^;; I always imagined Edgeworth with a British accent (one instance where I actually find a native accent smexy - I'm british!). The way you have him say bloody was so charming that I decided to have him say it in MY story. X3 And the way you wrote Larry helped me a lot when I was writing him. He's actually quite a fun character, even if he DOES never shut up.

Another two names to add to my credits/inspiration list once it's finished, methinks. ^^ I always give credit where credit is due.

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Ooh, goody, I can't wait for Chapter 3. This just keeps getting better and better every time I read it.

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"Larry visually shivered, probably at some kind of image of Edgeworth holding a rose in his mouth and prancing around in a tailcoat, throwing chocolates and booking hotel reservations on heart-shaped beds."

Now I need brain bleach ;) This is a very funny story guys :)

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Ahahah, sorry about your brain :P I'm glad you found it funny though :)


And sorry it's taking forever for Chapter 3. Word kept freezing on me but it should be fine now.

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-
-


‘See, here’s the thing

We have to take our clothes off
We have to party all night
And we have to take our clothes off
To have a good time…’

-FZZT-

‘…she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go…’

-FZZT-

‘…just can’t wait to see us naked (us naked yea)

Now somethin’ ‘bout that sexy skin you in
Your clothes don’t do you justice so come out of them
So baby take that off…’

“Oh, for…” Miles quickly slammed down the off button on the radio and put his head in his hands.

So much for forgetting about this afternoon’s embarrassment…

It seemed that every time he finally managed to stop thinking about the weird incident, something would just come up to remind him of it. But it wasn’t the incident itself that bothered him the most. What really troubled him was the fact that he couldn’t understand why it even bothered him in the first place.

Stupid Wright and his brilliant idea to take his shirt off in front of me.

He felt a small blush rise to his cheeks as the scene played out in his mind for what seemed like the millionth time today.

Damn it! Not again!

He quickly lifted and shook his head. Grabbing a pile of documents from across the table, he opened a file, hoping that it would prove a better distraction than the bloody naked-obsessed stereo.

‘Case file # WR161-17

The defendant, Ms. Amber Esmund, 25, was accused of shooting her boyfriend with a 7mm pistol after strangling him with a shirt. The evidence was conclusive. An analysis of the shirt revealed some strands of her short black hair, and the murder weapon bore the fingerprints from her wright hand…’

“Oh, for Christ’s sake! Is this some kind of conspiracy!?”

Miles slammed his fist down on his desk, hoping it would make him feel a little better, but quickly had to admit defeat. He leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. The whole world had apparently decided to turn against him, so it looked as if trying to distract his mind with anything was no longer an option.

Why can’t I stop thinking about Wright? What’s wrong with me?

He opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling for a moment, pondering the question. He sighed again.

…Who am I kidding? I know exactly what the answer to that is…

Who would have thought he was… toned… underneath that cheap blue suit of his? I already knew he was not bad-looking, but… what a weird thing to notice…

He shook his head.

Why does that even bother me? Why should I care what Wright looks like? Blasted defence attorney and his ridiculous spiky hair…

“Damn you, Wright! Get out of my head, already!” he groaned out loud, bringing his hands to his face.

It’s no use… I can’t think of anything else…

Well, I guess it’s no wonder, considering I made a complete fool out of myself…

What happened back there…? What the hell was I doing?

Wright must have jumped to the entirely wrong conclusion and probably thought I was checking him out.

Miles opened his eyes and frowned at that.

But… isn’t that exactly what I was doing…?

Ugh… Of course not! That would mean I was checking if I found him attractive, and I obviously wasn’t.

But still… Why didn’t I just look away?

…I swear I’m a lost cause. Total idiot. I can’t even think straight.

Wait… what?

Oh, no… Don’t even think of going there! I am not gay!

…And don’t even dare to think the ‘denial’ word!

He leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

What’s happening to me…? I’ve never been this confused about something so insignificant. That is not normal…

Maybe if I hadn’t reacted the way I did, it would be easier to let it go…

What an idiot…

How the hell did I manage to get caught off guard by something so ridiculous? Honestly… I get out of impossible situations in court without even flinching, and then some stupid thing happens and I can’t get any words out. There’s something seriously wrong with me…

Let’s just pray to God that Wright didn’t take it the wrong way…

…Me? Hoping God will help me? Hah. It’s his sick humour that’s brought all this mess upon me in the first place.

I’m sure he sent that damned woman to make my life a living hell.

As if I needed more problems than I already have…

He lifted his head up and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

…And now I’m getting ridiculous ‘lessons’ from Larry, of all people.

What a load of rubbish…

He picked up a pen and tapped it thoughtfully on the side of his cheek. The only reason he had gone to Wright’s apartment earlier was to get a justification for his behaviour yesterday, but the dreaded ‘shirtless incident’ and the idiot that is Larry had completely got in the way of any sort of explanation.

I guess it doesn’t really matter… At least Wright has the decency to actually carry out his stupid idea, since it was his fault I got caught up in it to start with.

But wait… Why did I even accept to go along with Larry’s plan, anyway? It’s probably useless, seeing how Everett freaked out yesterday when she found out I was gay…

Damn it! When she thought she found out I was gay…

Sighing, Miles turned his chair to face the open window. He could feel his bangs lightly flutter across his face. The refreshing evening breeze was the only thing that seemed to clear his mind somehow. He didn’t usually feel the need to stop whatever he was doing and just sit still like that, but this mess he was in was definitely a sound enough reason.

The image of the yellow twilight sky and busy city below relaxed him in a strange way. He closed his eyes, and for the first time today, his thoughts weren’t cluttered with images of Wright.

But relief short lived as a loud knock on his office door interrupted his brief peace of mind.

It really is a conspiracy, isn’t it?

He took a glance at his watch, and was surprised to see that it was already almost time for his meeting.

“Come in.”

The door was thrown open so hard that it bounced back off the wall, making Miles wince in irritation. In the doorway stood a certain green-jacketed woman.

Miles inwardly groaned. What the hell is she doing here?

“Good evening, Everett,” he greeted in a bored voice.

She seemed to do a double take at Miles’ appearance, probably finding it slightly shocking that he was in casual attire. She then walked forward into the room and smiled warmly at him.

“Hey, Miles. I just came to pick up stuff from my office and I heard some noise so I thought there was some kind of burglar in here or something. But I suppose I should have guessed you’d be here, even if it is a Saturday.”

Miles stared at her in disbelief.

Okay, for starters, why on Earth would there be a burglar on the twelfth floor of the Prosecutor’s Office? Hasn’t she got anything better to do than make up stupid excuses to talk to me? And what did she mean by ‘even if it’s Saturday’? I haven’t even been in my office all day…

He looked back down and started putting away his documents. He waved a hand towards the chair opposite him, and she apparently managed to take the hint as she rushed over to take a seat.

“If you merely wanted a ‘chat’, Everett, then you should have simply asked.” He took a quick glance up from his documents, only to notice that she was blushing. “But not now. I have a planned appointment with Wright in a fe--”

“Appointment?”

“We have things to plan.”

“You make it sound like a work issue rather than a social meeting.”

Miles looked up again and saw the confused look on her face.

Damn. Why am I so bad at this ‘social scene’? I don’t want her suspecting the whole relationship thing is fake…

As much as I hate to admit it, maybe I do need Larry’s help after all…

He quickly racked his brains for a suitable excuse for his slight slip of the tongue.

“I’m at work, Everett. Therefore, I need to make it sound as professional as possible. It also doesn’t help that this is not a public relationship. You’re going to have to excuse me on that one.”

She gave him a sceptical look, but seemed to go along with it anyway.

“So, how are you? How’s everything going?”

Miles frowned slightly before answering, “I’m fine, thank you, and my day has been… interesting. Although I haven’t managed to get half as much work done as I would have liked.”

Kath chuckled a bit. “Oh, Miles, you’re so funny, working on a weekend! But you do know what I was really referring to, right?” She winked suggestively and giggled.

Miles knew perfectly well what she was trying to ask him, but he didn’t exactly want to get onto that subject.

“I don’t see what you’re trying to imply.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m asking how it’s going between you and Mr. ‘Wright’, of course,” she said, as if explaining to a small child.

Hilarious. She used Wright’s name as a double meaning. How original.

He was tempted to scowl at this, but managed to hold back and reply politely, “It’s going fine.”

Kath burst out laughing so hard that she apparently had trouble breathing.

Miles just raised a perplexed eyebrow and crossed his arms as he waited for her to finish. He hadn’t made a joke, and he definitely hadn’t said anything to get this kind of reaction.

She eventually stopped laughing and had to struggle to get her breath back. She then cleared her throat and opened her mouth as if to say something, only to burst into more laughter.

Miles was getting extremely annoyed at this point.

What the hell’s so funny for Christ’s sake? What was I supposed to say?

“What’s so amusing to you, Everett?”

She coughed a little, still gasping for air. “You, Miles! You totally crack me up. You’d just be so funny to date!” she exclaimed as she wiped a happy tear from the corner of her eye.

Miles looked on, still confused. “And what, dare I ask, did I say to get such a reaction?”

Kath wrinkled her nose and scrunched her hands up into little balls. “It was so cute, you calling your relationship ‘fine’! Normally, you’d get someone bragging about how well it’s going, or complaining about how bad it is and how they can’t stand the other. But no, you replied with a simple little ‘fine’.” She sighed dreamily. “I totally understand why so many women want you.”

Miles furrowed his eyebrows. What the hell? How… why… what the hell?

Kath smiled. “But if it’s just ‘fine’…” She looked at him hopefully. “Does that mean I still have a chance?”

…Please tell me she’s just baiting me to talk more about Wright and that she doesn’t seriously think she still has a chance.

He quickly shook his head. “No, Everett. I’m… gay, and I’m in a relationship with someone I truly like, and it’s going really well. How much clearer do I have to make it for you to understand?”

“Oh well, it was worth a try.” She giggled. “But it’s not a total loss! You finally told me some of those disguised feelings there, Miles!” She beamed at him and leaned forward in her chair. “Aww, it’s so cute! You’re in your first proper relationship and it’s all romantically secret and forbidden and completely cute!” She wrinkled her nose up slightly again. “When did you realize you were gay? How did you and that defence attorney hook up? What made you confess your love for each other?!”

Miles blinked a few times.

Why does she keep brandishing the word ‘cute’ about? And what does the word ‘cute’ even have to do with two grown men dating each other!? I swear women have some kind or secret language I’ll never understand. I mean, seriously… Wright and I? Cute? That’s just disturbing…

“Everett…”

“Kath.”

“Right, Kath… What makes you think I’ll give out such… personal information about my very secret relationship with Wright?” He frowned and gestured towards the open door behind her.

Kath spun around quickly and raised a hand to her mouth. “Oops! Sorry, forgot about that,” she whispered back at him – although whispering had kind of lost its relevance by now – before rushing up to the door to close it in an overly gentle manner.

Seriously, this woman is so damned scatterbrained…

He shook his head and leaned it against his hand. This was definitely not looking good if she had already forgotten it was meant to be a ‘secret relationship’.

“Well, Miles, I just presumed that since you’ve entrusted me with your secret, you wouldn’t mind telling me some of the finer details.” She giggled again and tipped her head to the side, letting her straight hair fall slightly over the left side of her face.

Miles didn’t reply and grunted under his breath instead.

Kath pouted down at him, before sitting back down on the chair. “So, is he a romantic kind of guy?”

Of course he is… Unless ‘sugar’ and ‘pumpkin’ aren’t romantic enough for you?

“Let me guess… He’s really thoughtful and caring and phones you every night to see how you’re doing?” She squeaked a bit at that and gave him an expectant look.

Hah. I’d like to see him try. I’d make him swallow his damned phone.

“No? It’s not a personality attraction? I never knew you were so shallow, Miles.”

Nice try… but I’m not falling for it this time.

Kath grinned and leaned forward slightly. “I bet he’s an amazing kisser.”

Miles flinched.

What!?

“Hmm, he’s also pretty good-looking,” she continued, happily smiling at the fact that she had at last gotten a small reaction. “I wonder if he has a nice body underneath that suit of his…”

Miles’ head suddenly snapped up as all those unwanted images snuck back into his mind.

Ugh… Wright and his bloody naked torso… I’m scarred for life.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Everett,” he replied coldly, deeply annoyed that she had brought up that damned incident again.

She smiled widely at him. “Aww, how cute! You’re getting all possessive and protective over him!”

Miles cringed at the dreaded ‘c’ word being irritatingly thrown at him again.

Kath leaned in slightly closer and tipped her head to the side. “Is that a blush I see on that handsome face of yours, Miles?”

“No,” he replied, slightly too quickly, looking away to the side.

I am not blushing. I can’t blush! It’s physically impossible for me to blush!

She squinted a bit more, before eventually sitting back, still smiling. “That is so cute! You so totally are blushing! I can’t believe I doubted your closeness in this relationship of yours.”

If she mentions that word again, then so help me, I’ll get her arrested for being a menace to society.

Wait… What did she just say?

…I can’t believe colouring about Wright got me out of that hole…

After a brief moment of silence, Miles risked a quick glance in Kath’s direction, only to realize she was staring, still waiting for an answer. He sighed.

“There is no reason whatsoever for me to give you any such details of my relationship, Everett. I didn’t entrust you with our secret, you merely stumbled upon it when my partner had lowered defences,” he replied through his teeth.

Kath shrugged. “I suppose that’s true. But you do kind of owe me anyways, seeing as though you rejected my kind offer.” She smiled innocently at him, though Miles could undeniably see an evil hint of menacing blackmail shine through.

He pondered on that one. She obviously had the upper hand on the whole situation. One slip and she could go mouthing off about his and Wright’s ‘relationship’.

Looks like I don’t really have a choice… I guess I’ll just have to make up some facts.

“I suppose it could be reasonable to share a few details,” Miles responded, immediately damning himself for giving in. “But you should know by now that I’m far from being an open book.”

The ominous look she had been sporting finally disappeared and she clapped her hands together in excitement. “Great! I’m glad we’ve acknowledged my position in this whole thing.”

As if you didn’t already know the power you supposedly have over me.

Kath made herself comfortable in the chair as if she was going to be read a bedtime novel. “I’d love to hear how you two got together, then.”

Okay, I can do this. Easy. I’ll just think back to any romantic book I’ve read or movie I’ve seen…

He opened his mouth, but closed it again, as the words didn’t seem to form.

Oh, romantic plot lines a no-go? Then… how about a cheesy fairytale from when I was a child…?

He frowned.

Ah… yeah… The whole ‘I-was-brought-up-by-a-murdering-lunatic-since-I-was-nine-and-have-forgotten-every-moral-from-before-then’ thing…

Oh well… I’ll just recite a witness’ testimony or something brought up in court about how couples have met. There’s bound to be something there that was slightly romantic…

…Although a testimony is usually about accusing people of murder or theft…

This may not have been as easy as he first thought.

After much mental debate, Miles decided it would be easier to simply stick to the facts as closely as possible.

“We’ve known each other since grade school,” he finally replied, trying to sound as convincing as a salesman selling something worth buying. “We were close friends back then, but--”

“Aww, a childhood romance, that’s so cu--”

“But,” Miles cut across Kath’s inevitable response, “we’d only known each other for a small amount of time before I had to… change schools. After that, we didn’t see each other for near enough fifteen years.”

He paused. Talking about his personal life seemed very abnormal to him, especially with an almost complete stranger.

“When Wright found out about the reputation I’d gotten as a prosecutor, he desperately tried to get in contact with me. He became a defence attorney so he could meet me on the opposite side of the courtroom. He’d come to… rescue me, if you will…”

What’s with the truckload of guilt I’m feeling right now? Bringing up my past really isn’t good for me…

He decided to cut out the chunk about how Wright had totally saved his ass defending him in court, how he had repeatedly pushed him away, and, of course, the part about his little suicide note. After all, he didn’t have to tell her everything – just enough to make it plausible.

“These past two months, we got to know each other better, and we soon came to realize that we had… feelings for one another.” He had to look away at this point because Kath’s expression nearly had him scowling at the deeply annoying lie he was telling.

“That’s beautiful, Miles,” Kath replied, leaning over the desk to rest her chin in her hands. “So, who was the brave one?”

Miles gave her a blank look. “The brave one?”

Kath chuckled a bit and rolled her eyes. “Of course. The one brave enough to confess his feelings first.” She smiled.

His feelings…?

“Wright did,” he blurted out without even thinking, letting his defensive side take over. The situation was already irritating enough as it was – he certainly wasn’t about to admit to doing any such thing.

“Aww… And here was I thinking I could win you over by simply inviting you to my office and asking you out. This Wright has gone all out and chosen a career because of you. He’s based his entire life around you! That’s so…”

If she says ‘cute’ now, I swear I’ll…

“…ridiculously romantic!”

Miles blinked. He had told the truth – for the most part, anyway – and it still had turned out romantic?

What the hell…?

He blinked again.

Oh, God… It does sound a bit…

He pushed his thoughts aside once more. This was getting scary.

“Well… Does that satisfy your thirst for unconventional knowledge, Everett?” he asked, trying his hardest to stay focused. He got up from his chair as if he’d already got the answer and the persistent woman was finally going to leave.

Kath nodded excitedly. “It was a great little piece. Does that mean you haven’t been dating for long?”

Miles sat back down. One more question wouldn’t harm, after all. “Not at all. It was extremely recently that we got together.”

“How long are you expecting it to last?”

“A very long time.”

“Does anyone else know about your relationship?”

“Apart from you, there is only Wright and I… Oh, and our friend Larry.”

Kath nodded, and Miles proceeded to get up from his seat again.

“How often do you get to see each other?”

Miles raised an eyebrow at the sheer number of questions, but didn’t sit back down. He really didn’t feel like giving her the satisfaction of continuing with this endless grilling, but he needed to get rid of her.

“We communicate often enough that it’s comfortable.”

“Not too clingy, huh?” She sighed dreamily and rested her head on her hand again. It didn’t look as though she had quite gotten the hint to leave, and she apparently wasn’t going to budge any time soon. “How do you treat each other at work?”

Miles paused for a second, still debating to himself whether he should continue or simply flat out refuse to answer the nosey questions.

He sighed. He didn’t exactly want to risk her doing anything disagreeable. “Professionally,” he finally answered.

“Do you love each other?” came the same prying voice.

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

“We’re extremely close,” he replied flatly, trying to hide his annoyance.

“It must be so nice having someone to love and love you back…”

Kath sounded a bit sad as she said this, but Miles couldn’t find any condolence or guilt within himself after that load of intruding questions.

She soon seemed to cheer up, however, and leaned forward to whisper something that brought a small blush upon her cheeks. “Is he a satisfying partner… physically?”

“…What!?” Miles spluttered, totally caught off guard by where this route of questioning had taken off to.

Kath’s face turned an even deeper shade of red. “You know… How good is he at…” She gestured at Miles’ body. “You know…”

“I really don’t think that’s any of your business,” Miles replied quickly, desperately trying to get off the question.

What the hell am I supposed to say to something like that? I don’t know anything about this!

“Awh, come on, Miles! Dish the dirt!”

Miles frowned. “Everett, that is extremely rude for you to be delving into my personal life with such vulgar questions.”

“He’s that bad, huh?” Kath said, raising an eyebrow.

“He’s not bad--”

Damn it, don’t state the fact that he’s good at it when you have no idea!

Miles’ mouth clamped shut as he realized he was totally defending something he needn’t. Why was he getting so riled up about this?

Kath smirked. She was getting too good at manipulating him. “So, he keeps you… satisfied?”

Alright, that does it…

He placed both hands on his desk and leaned down towards Kath.

“Of course he does! Wright can do fantastic things with his tongue.”

There was silence for a moment until Miles realized they weren’t quite alone anymore.

“Hello to you too, Edgeworth.”

Oh, dear God, no…

Raising his head, Miles saw Phoenix standing in the doorway with a grin plastered across his face.

It’s official. The man in the sky hates me.

In a panic, he checked his watch and saw that Wright was in fact over twenty minutes late. They had arranged to meet at seven to discuss Larry’s plan.

Damn it, Wright! I was stuck telling her my life story because of your atrocious punctuality!

And how the hell do you always manage to stumble into my office at the worst possible moment!?

Miles frantically tried to calm his racing mind down.

“You’re late.”

Well, what else could I have said? ‘This woman has been torturing me into making things up about our pretend relationship’?

Phoenix couldn’t keep a straight face. “Erm… yeah… aha… surprised?” He closed the door behind him and smirked over at Miles, raising an eyebrow.

Miles suddenly noticed that Kath was distracted by blushing ferociously at his answer – and most probably imagining the scene with that dirty mind of hers – so he took the opportunity to send an evil glare Phoenix’s way, silently warning him not to laugh if he valued his life.

“Everett here has been asking some questions about our relationship, Wright,” Miles said, as breezily as possible.

He heard a small splutter of laughter escape from Phoenix’s mouth, but it seemed the man did value his life, as he desperately kept it down.

“Has she, now? What could be so interesting about us?”

Calm down… I need to remain calm…

“I don’t honestly know, but seeing as she is kindly keeping everything about this arrangement secret, I thought she was entitled to know some selected information.”

Phoenix grinned. “And me being good with my tongue is one of them?”

Miles glowered at him. Don’t you dare, Wright… I swear, you’re pushing it!

“It was an added bonus,” he replied indignantly, crossing his arms. “I’ll take it back if you so wish.”

There was a small noise that got between their banter as Kath chuckled. “You two make such a cute couple.”

Phoenix frowned over at her and gave Miles a questioning look, which he automatically returned, shrugging.

I know… She has issues.

Phoenix smiled and made his way over to Miles, looking down at Kath as he passed her. She must have felt slightly intimidated, as she quickly jumped off her seat, trying to look slightly taller. As tall as her petite figure would allow, anyway.

An evil smirk suddenly made its way to Miles’ face. “Why don’t you help answer some of the questions, Wright? After all, you are the other half of me.”

If he hadn’t been paying close enough attention, Miles would have missed the glare that Everett threw at Wright from his statement.

Looks like there’s still a bit of jealousy left in there…

“Erm… sure,” Phoenix replied, shrugging.

Then he did the unthinkable.

He raised an innocent arm and casually threw it over Miles’ shoulders.

He has… his arm wrapped around me!?

Miles twitched violently at the physical contact.

Kath glared horribly at the man who was staking his claim.

And all the while, Phoenix just smiled as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“So, what else did you want to ask about us, Miss Everett?”

Miles looked down at the hand on his shoulder.

How do people stand this!?

Kath sent an obviously fake smile Phoenix’s way, before replying in an overly sweet voice, “I was just asking Miles here if you were physically pleasing.”

Phoenix laughed, and Miles could feel the slight vibrations that came off his arm.

Damn it! I’ve never felt so awkward in my entire life! And I can’t do anything about it, either!

“Oh, that explains it. I wondered why he was so nice about me.” He smiled at her, apparently oblivious to Miles’ inner panic.

Please, Wright. Let go of me before I go mad!

“Miles was explaining about how good your relationship is. Do you really love him as much as he needs to be loved?” Kath asked, keeping the challenging menace in her voice on a low key but obvious all the same.

Phoenix finally seemed to realize how uncomfortable Miles was as he suddenly cupped his free hand around his ear to whisper a small, “Calm down.”

A startling shiver ran down Miles’ spine from the sudden feeling of warm breath against his skin. He snapped out of his panic and looked at the man next to him.

How can he be so calm about this?

…Or do I have some kind of weird mental disease that won’t let me get close to anyone?

No, that’s ridiculous…

Christ. I can’t let Wright beat me at something as puny as pretending to be comfortable with this situation.

But still… Physical contact? Really? Is it really needed!?

“I honestly don’t know, Miss Everett,” came Phoenix’s voice through Miles’ thoughts. “But I can sincerely say that I love him as much as I can.”

Miles froze.

Ugh, way to go expecting me to calm down, Wright!

Kath’s smile faltered slightly. “I don’t think you’re my kind of person, Mr. Wright,” she said bluntly, jealousy evident in her stare.

Phoenix let go of Miles’ shoulders and crossed his arms.

Oh, thank God…

“Now, Everett, you haven’t given him a fair chance,” Miles muttered, shifting his shoulders uncomfortably.

Phoenix smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah… sorry. I’m sorry about acting like an idiot yesterday… Edgeworth was pretty mad about it and--”

“How can you be close to him?!” Kath cut in angrily. “You even refer to Miles by his surname!”

Phoenix pulled a face. Miles could tell he had realized that Everett was still pretty obsessed with him.

So much for saving me from her clutches, Wright…

“Miss Everett, you obviously don’t understand my situation, here,” Phoenix began, sounding deeply troubled. “Pardon me if I seem rude, but I’m way too close to Edgeworth to let our relationship get spoiled by anything public destroying our privacy. If I have to sound cold towards him to keep the great thing we have going, then I’ll do that for him.” He paused to glance at Miles. “I’d do anything for him.”

Kath’s eyes widened and she suddenly looked shocked with herself. “I… I’m sorry! I don’t know what came o-over me…” She looked at the floor. “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.”

…How the hell did he do that?

I guess he really is master of the turnabout…

“So, Everett,” Miles spoke up, finally finding the opportunity to get rid of her, “as I said earlier, Wright and I have some things to discuss. So if you don’t mind…”

“Oh! Sure!” Kath replied, nodding, before taking a few steps towards the door. “But don’t get me wrong, Miles – I still think you two make the cutest couple. That story about how you got together was just so romantically magical…” She sighed. “Forbidden love and a career based on raw emotion… It’s enough to make the heart melt.”

“Isn’t it just…” Miles mumbled darkly.

“Hey, do you two want to meet up for dinner sometime?”

Miles was tempted to stick his finger into his ear to clear it of whatever was making him hear impossible things. “…I beg your pardon?”

Kath smiled excitedly. “We could all meet up for something to eat tomorrow!”

Miles blinked. Guess I heard right, after all…

“Wright’s going to be busy tomorrow.”

He swore he could hear the man next to him mutter ‘Sure, make me the bad guy, why don’t you’.

“Oh…” Kath looked down at the floor and frowned. “Can’t be Monday either cause I have my Italian class, so… what about Tuesday?”

“Busy… again,” Miles quickly answered.

“Wednesday?”

“Busy.”

“Thursday?”

“…Busy?”

She frowned even harder. “Any day next week? Any day at all?”

“No, sor--”

“Sure, we’re free Tuesday,” Phoenix interrupted, pretending not to notice Miles’ death glare.

“Great!” Kath exclaimed, before practically hopping out of the room. “See you Tuesday, then.” She disappeared behind the door, only to open it back up and poke her head around it, a nasty grin on her face. “Don’t be too noisy with your little… ‘discussion’.”

“What!?” they both spluttered, staring at her in shock as she finally closed the door.

They looked at each other in disbelief, only to promptly turn away in embarrassment.

Great. More awkwardness. Just what I needed.

Miles sighed.

Might as well get used to it…

He turned to glare at Phoenix. “Wright! What the hell do you think you were doing? Now we’re going for dinner! A dinner date, Wright!” He paused and glanced back at the door to make sure no one was listening. “And why were you so late!? Can’t you catch the bus on time for a change? I was stuck answering her damned questions for nearly half an hour and it’s all your stupid fault!”

Phoenix scowled at him. “My fault? What the hell are you going on about, Edgeworth!? You’re the one who agreed to answer her questions. I just got rid of that woman for you for the second damned time and even managed to get her to think better of me! I’m the one who should be complaining, here! I’m doing all that for you and you haven’t even made a single effort to try to convince her that you’re not really cold towards me twenty-four-fucking-seven! And for your information, I rode my bike all the way here, thank you very much!”

Miles sighed again. “I wouldn’t have had to answer her questions if you’d been on time.” He leaned against the desk and buried his head into one of his hands.

There were a few seconds of silence.

“So, Edgeworth, I’m good with my tongue? Where did you get that from?”

Miles looked up at him. “Your stupidly loud mouth in court that manages to save all your clients,” he replied, a smirk on his lips.

No way I’m giving Wright the satisfaction of getting a fake compliment from me.

“Heh… Well, thanks anyways.” Phoenix ran a hand through his hair and turned slightly to look out the window.

Miles, in all his frustration, hadn’t really paid it attention up until now, but something seemed to be bothering Wright. He very rarely appeared that deep in thought.

“What’s wrong, Wright?”

Stupid name, making everything sound like a joke…

There was silence for a moment until Phoenix sighed.

“Edgeworth… Since Larry so nicely made any kind of serious conversation impossible this afternoon, I guess I should take this opportunity to get everything off my chest…” He turned back around to face Miles. “I really need your help.”

Miles contained his curious thoughts as he observed Phoenix’s obvious uneasiness. He looked incredibly nervous, biting his lip and twiddling with his hands.

He must be really desperate if he’s coming to me for help…

“Where has this suddenly come from?”

“I… I don’t know who else to talk to,” Phoenix mumbled. “Yesterday, when I was… uh… ‘intoxicated’… I don’t think I realized what I was doing coming to you for advice, but… well… upon reflection, I guess you might be able to help…” He smiled slightly. “I mean, seeing the way you defended me earlier with that little tongue comment…”

Miles glared at him. “Wright! I thought you--”

“I was just kidding, geez, calm down… But still, it was pretty funny…” He chuckled.

Miles sighed. “If you want me to help you, please spare me your mindless jokes and get it over with, already.”

Phoenix nodded, concern setting back on his face. “This is going to sound real stupid, but…” He looked away. “I think I like someone…”

Miles raised an eyebrow. “You’re right. It sounds bloody ridiculous that you’re telling me, of all people.”

Phoenix chuckled slightly again.

“Well… It’s that last case we had together… You know, the incident with Engarde… I’ve just been so confused ever since…” He took a deep, shaky breath, before bringing his eyes back on Miles. “See, I… I mean, we… um… we’ve known each other for quite a while now, and… I can’t stop thinking about how devastated I felt when I was left on my own, and… I mean, everything’s fine now, but… I’ve been wondering about my… my feelings…”

Miles blinked.

Wait… What is he… Left on his own…?

Hang on… He couldn’t possibly mean…

Oh, dear God…

Miles instinctively flinched and felt his mouth dry up at that incredibly disturbing thought. He coughed into his hand. “I do so hope this isn’t your extremely weird way of confessing to me.”

Phoenix stared at him for a few seconds, a puzzled look on his face. Then his eyes widened as he seemed to realize the implications of what he had just said. “Ah… N-n-no! What the hell!? No! Edgeworth! I was talking about Maya! Maya!” Phoenix shook his head and laughed nervously. “Oh my, I’m sorry… I didn’t realize how weird that sounded.”

Miles sighed with relief. “Try not to talk like a complete idiot next time. It might help get your point across without risking giving me a heart attack.” He crossed his arms. “But if you like the Fey girl, then I don’t see what’s stopping you.”

Phoenix’s faint smile dropped and he looked down at the floor. “I don’t know, Edgeworth… I think I might just be confused because of that whole incident… And I don’t want to make a stupid mistake and regret it after. I value her friendship.”

Miles felt at a total loss. What am I supposed to say about this?

He pushed himself up from the desk he had been leaning against and raised a hesitant hand to gently place it onto Phoenix’s shoulder in what he hoped was a sympathetic and comforting gesture. “You’ve chosen the wrong person to come to about relationship problems,” he answered sincerely, before quickly drawing away his burning hand.

I’m sorry. I wish I could be more helpful.

He turned around and sat down at his desk. His legs were killing him after standing for that long, and the incomprehensible weakness he was feeling at the moment certainly wasn’t helping. He leaned forward and rested his head against his left hand, closing his eyes in an attempt to fight off an imminent headache.

“Thanks, Edgeworth.”

Huh?

“What are you talking about, Wright? I didn’t even say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.”

…I didn’t?

Miles turned his head to glance at his friend.

Phoenix’s smile was back. It wasn’t all that obvious, but for some reason, Miles could tell by the look in his eyes that he was feeling better.

Then a smirk. “Besides, I suppose I shouldn’t get too greedy, seeing as though I already have you, right, Edgeworth?”

Miles turned his head back to look down at his desk, hiding the thin smile that now tugged at his own lips.

“Shut up, Wright.”

Phoenix chuckled softly and walked around the desk, sitting down in the other chair.

“So,” he started, “shall we have that ‘discussion’?”

Oh, for Christ’s sake…

Miles looked up.

“Stop adding fuel to the fire or I’m throwing you in.”

Phoenix’s grin grew even wider. He shook his head and reached for the radio on the edge of the desk.

Miles’ eyes widened in horror.

Shit! No! It’ll be even worse with him in the vicinity!

He desperately gestured towards the machine in panic. “No! Not the radio!”

Frédéric Chopin’s ‘Cello Sonata in G Minor’ rang throughout the room.

“…Huh? I was just putting on some of that classical stuff you love so much, Edgeworth,” Phoenix replied, seemingly taking offence at the fact that Miles didn’t trust him with a stereo.

…The classical channel… Why didn’t I think of that?

“Oh…” Miles leaned back into his chair and ever-so-nearly let a happy smile creep onto his face. “Wright, seriously, what would I do without you?”

Phoenix chuckled. “I think I can safely say you’d be well and truly screwed if I hadn’t bothered to track your sorry ass down.”

His comment, though not eloquently put, was true nonetheless. Who would Miles be right now if it weren’t for the defence attorney? What would have happened to him if Wright had simply given up on him? He didn’t want to dwell on it; he had a sneaking suspicion it wouldn’t have been a great result.

Miles sighed. He pulled out a blank piece of paper and started to write ‘Conditions’ at the top in his fancy, looped handwriting.

“As much as I love to hear your whining,” he smirked at Wright’s sheepish glance after the ‘whining’ comment, “it’s about time we get started on this list for the idiot. So, do you prefer ‘honey’ or ‘sugar’?”

Phoenix blushed and glowered at the same time.

Miles’ smirk merely created a whole new level of smugness.



Damn that took forever to tag...

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Last edited by Shiva on Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:47 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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You are amazing. I mean, seriously, I love what you're doing here, you're a fantastic writer, it's hilarious and serious and Kath is just great

*gushes some more*

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Oh my, that was hilarious. I love the inner argument of Edgey's. I find it fascinating to see characters challenge themselves in their mind. I think it shows a deep character development.

And I have to say this line made me crack up: "and the murder weapon bore the fingerprints from her wright hand…" Poor, poor distracted Edgeworth. And Phoenix wasn't helping, lol. The poor guys, being put through so much, so Edgey doesn't have to date Kath.

About Kath: Such a Fangirl, I swear. *giggles*

This is so much fun to read. Can't wait to see what happens next.

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I like this chapter the fake relationship talk between Phoenix and Edgeworth in front of Kath was great even though Nick tried to get Miles to relax it backfired anyway by now I thought Kath would have given up on Miles...apparently not.

I think she is going to prove that their "relationship" is fake or die trying the blackmail thing now that you bring it up is something that I can very well see her using if only to get a knee jerk reaction out of Edgeworth. Who knows maybe she will enlist the help of The Miles Edgeworth Fan Girls TM to make both their lives a living hell despite her promise to keep it a secret.

For the dinner date you never mentioned who was going to choose the place if it is Kath then I would imagine she would choose a place that would be a formal tie and ball dance type restaurant maybe she would even try to steal a dance with Miles making him even more Edgey.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

*snickers*

Oh, the crack. This story is highly amusing. Good job, you two :D

I LOVE YOU GUYS


I actually did a double take at your comment. Thanks for the praise :) I'm really glad you're enjoying it so far, and it's so nice to know that the story can be taken seriously despite all the silly humor :) But I'm afraid I have to correct you: it's "writers", not "writer" ^^; LR and I are both working really hard on this and there's no way I can take that much credit.


Thank you! I've been having a lot of fun getting inside Edgeworth's head and I'm glad I could pull it off :) And yeah, he's SO distracted and confused it's not even funny. I actually cracked up rereading all the parts in italics after. And all the little hints in the case file were fun to write as well, so I'm glad it made you laugh :)

And Kath, a fangirl? What makes you say that?


*evil laugh* Torturing poor Edgeworth is just so much fun, you have no idea. You ain't seen nothing yet.


Thank you :) Glad it made you laugh!

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"Stop adding fuel to the fire or Ill throw you in" XD XD XD XD!! THAT WAS HALLAIRIOUS!!!

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don't read this shit it's for spacing 1. No physical contact of any kind
don't read this shit it's for spacing 2. No pet names or nicknames
don't read this shit it's for spacing 3. No wasting of valuable work time on romantic activities
don't read this shit it's for spacing 4. No personal or sexual jokes
don't read this shit it's for spacing 5. No more amount of time together than necessary
don't read this shit it's for spacing 6. No disrupting phone calls for useless reasons
don't read this shit it's for spacing 7. No inefficient clothing (including nakedness)
don't read this shit it's for spacing 8. This is a private relationship and is not to be discussed with other people


“Man, you two are such spoilsports! You’ve given me nothing to work with here!” Larry pouted and then frowned at the piece of paper that was currently in his right fist.

“Hey, don’t blame me, I’m the innocent one here! It’s Mr. Don't-make-me-do-stuff over there who had to go and stop any sort of botched attempts I could make at helping him out.” Phoenix picked up his coffee from the mahogany table they were sitting at and took a sip. “Just count yourself lucky I managed to convince him that we could actually talk through this whole thing, never mind do anything romantic.” He sent a scowl Miles’ way.

Last night had been an uphill struggle between the two lawyers. Not only had the prosecutor failed to realize that most of the conditions on his list were rendering the whole thing completely useless, but he had also pointedly ignored anything Phoenix had been trying to say about the situation.

Just what on Earth is he playing at by limiting everything? Doesn't he realize that he's eliminating all means of convincing people that we're for real and not just some joke? How does he expect me to help if he refuses to cooperate? I guess he's taking it as a threat to his pride...

What was even more frustrating was the fact that Phoenix was technically responsible for the way things had turned out, so bailing out was not exactly an option, unless, of course, feeling guilty was his new idea of fun.

And as if that wasn't enough, it appeared as though Edgeworth wasn’t affected in the slightest by his death glare.

“How do you drink that stuff with so much milk? Ghastly.”

Says the man who would add dishwashing soap just to make the coffee extra bitter if it was possible, Phoenix thought spitefully, reaching for the jug to pour even more cream into his cup. I’ll be damned if I don’t prove the smug jerk wrong.

“I’ll 'ghastly' your face in a minute, Edgey,” Larry moaned. “Why'd you have to put all these restrictions on my artistic talents?” He waved the piece of paper in front of Miles' face.

“‘Talented’ is not quite the word I would use to describe your pathetic romance-induced art form,” Miles said coolly, before smirking at the fact that Phoenix had drastically over-poured the white liquid so that it left him with slightly coffee-flavoured milk, rather than a nice hot cup of caffeine.

Phoenix frowned down at his drink. Damn it! Why do I let that man get to me? He stared at the cup, before turning his attention back to Miles. The jerk’s smirking at me. I’m not going to let him win over something as silly as this. He casually proceeded to drink the unknown substance that could no longer be called coffee. It was disgusting, but Edgeworth didn’t need to know that. Bluffing a content face, he placed the mug back down and smirked back at the other man. Ha, take that!

Miles merely gave him an uninterested look and turned back to a protesting and currently ignored Larry.

Would it kill him to at least pretend I proved a point here? Phoenix sighed and glanced around the café.

It was a nice place, but a bit upper class – although that wasn’t surprising, seeing as Edgeworth had chosen the venue. The tasteful-looking tables were perfect for talking in private, as the heavy wood absorbed the sounds, and the soft classical music in the background blocked out other conversations, all the while enabling people to hear their own. The colour scheme was full of dark browns and creams and each table had a blue vase filled with some sort of flower – Phoenix could only identify tulips and sunflowers, but he was proud to notice that this flower was neither of those – with matching blue napkins and plush chair backings. Phoenix might not have been much of a colour-coordinated person, but even he could appreciate this nice little touch.

Not only was everything presented well, the café also met a good standard of food and drink. The cheery couple who owned the place certainly knew their stuff as the coffee tasted great. Unless you pour vast amounts of cream into it, of course...

But there was always a catch with finding a gem of a place like this, and in this case, it was the hefty prices. Sure, Phoenix could manage to afford a measly cup of coffee…

But that was about it.

He sighed again and shook his head, mentally scolding himself.

Tomorrow's Monday... which means I have to stop acting like an idiot and figure out what's going on with Maya. It's not like I can avoid her forever...

She must be wondering why I didn't come into work on Friday. I hope she's not too worried...

God, what was I thinking?

Well, apparently, I simply wasn't...

He frowned.

...And to think I managed to make it sound like I was confessing to Edgeworth. Real smooth.

But at least I was finally able to get it off my chest. I knew I should have talked to Edgeworth sooner... What was I afraid of, anyway?

Smiling, he unconsciously took another sip from his mug, but had to stop himself from gagging at the taste.

“…So I think it’s a good idea! What about you, Nick?”

Phoenix struggled to right himself after subtly bending over to the side to hide his ungraceful splutter. “Come again?” he asked innocently, trying to inconspicuously wipe the wet droplets that had coated his lips from his drinking mistake. But of course, Miles had noticed his undignified action.

Eyes flickered onto Phoenix’s hand, which was miserably failing to get rid of the white liquid from his mouth. He braced himself for the jibe about his uselessness and inwardly groaned at the bad luck he seemed to be having lately.

Surprisingly enough, not a single mocking comment was made, and Miles merely blinked at the sight before looking away. If Phoenix wasn’t mistaken, he was pretty sure he had just witnessed a slight colouring of his friend’s face.

Okay… that’s new. Edgeworth’s never any colour other than a pale white.

“Weren’t you listening to my brilliant idea?”

Phoenix dropped his confused gaze and turned to Larry, who was looking pretty shocked that he hadn’t embraced his cunning words.

“I was just telling Edgey that I need to give you both lessons together.” Larry’s eyes grew wide and shiny. “I will make you two the perfect couple to get that chick off Edgey’s cold, untouched back, and maybe even onto my tanned, warm one!”

Miles frowned. “You make it sound as if I’m some kind of reptile.”

I was thinking more along the lines of a corpse, but I suppose either is pretty fitting.

Phoenix chuckled at his own thought, but quickly shut up when he received a weird glance from both men in front of him.

“Yeah, well, maybe you are a reptile,” came Larry’s genius comeback, as he angrily frowned down at the paper.

That’s it, Larry! You show that paper who’s boss! Because trying to spark it on fire using your eyes is really going to help.

“Just forget the cold-blooded man, Larry. It’s not your fault he doesn’t understand the hardships we’re willing to go through for him,” Phoenix said breezily, as if Miles wasn’t in the room. He sighed loudly and gave Larry an apologetic look.

“Oh, please…” Miles rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Wright, stop the dramatics. I’m doing us both a favour by stopping this idiotic idea from influencing people’s thoughts and actions.”

What does this have to do with anything? I don’t see anyone being influenced by the idea of us two together. If there was, I’d be pretty disturbed! It’s just a bit of harmless acting.

Phoenix huffed. Even though Edgeworth had agreed to take him up on his offer to help, he was still really squeamish about the whole situation.

This is really getting quite irksome.

Irksome…? God, now all this time spent with Edgeworth is influencing my damned thoughts! By the end of this, I'll be a walking dictionary...

Larry sent one last scowl in the paper’s direction and snapped his head back up. A genius idea had clearly struck him. He looked at Phoenix and smiled widely.

“Nick, you wouldn’t happen to have a pen handy, would you?”

Phoenix gave him a puzzled look. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a ballpoint pen.

“If you’re planning on rewriting anything on there, then I assure you I’ll find some law somewhere that rids society of romance-induced freaks,” Miles said coldly.

Larry waved his hand. “I don’t need to rewrite anything,” he said, sticking his nose in the air. “Just give me two lines to do my job. You promise to let me do these two lines and we’ll all follow the conditions to the letter, deal?”

Miles paused. He leant back on his chair and smirked slightly.

Phoenix could tell the man was underestimating what a prankster and all-around bad luck omen Larry was. Perhaps I should warn him…?

“Fine. Two lines.”

Oh well. What a pity.

Larry smirked back, an evil shadow looming across his face. He bent his head down and looked at the paper, acting up the show of drawing two single lines on it. He then picked it up and smiled deviously at his work, turning it around to show Miles.

“Ta-da!”

The relaxed smirk was instantly wiped off Miles’ face.

“What? What’s he done?” Phoenix butted in, trying to get a good look at the paper.

Larry laid it down on the table and crossed his arms in smug victory.

There was a big ‘X’ drawn through all of the ‘No’s on the left side of the paper.

It now read:

Conditions

don't read this shit it's for spacing 1. Physical contact of any kind
don't read this shit it's for spacing 2. Pet names or nicknames
don't read this shit it's for spacing 3. Wasting of valuable work time on romantic activities
don't read this shit it's for spacing 4. Personal or sexual jokes
don't read this shit it's for spacing 5. More amount of time together than necessary
don't read this shit it's for spacing 6. Disrupting phone calls for useless reasons
don't read this shit it's for spacing 7. Inefficient clothing (including nakedness)
don't read this shit it's for spacing 8. This is a private relationship and is not to be discussed with other people

Phoenix’s eyes widened at the paper. Oh my… He raised his gaze to a quietly fuming Edgeworth and had to hold back a laugh when he saw the man's expression.

“If you think I’m following that list of nonsense, then you are sorely mistaken,” Miles stated, giving Larry a death glare.

Larry leaned back slightly in his seat, furtively pocketing Phoenix’s pen. Phoenix noticed a drop of sweat standing out on his forehead.

I can't really blame him... That was one incredibly brave move he made there.

...Or perhaps it was just sheer stupidity.

“Edgey, dude, you were the one who wrote it.”

Phoenix subtly scooted away from the two other men so as not to get caught in the imminent crossfire.

“I think you’ll find that this doesn’t even remotely resemble what I wrote down,” Miles hissed, his stare more and more threatening.

“But… it’s in your handwriting. I just made it easier to understand,” Larry replied, uncertainly looking across at the prosecutor.

Phoenix kept his mouth shut, but mentally screamed at Larry to shut up before Edgeworth lost it completely.

“Easier to understand? Easier to understand!?” He pointed over at Larry. “You just eliminated the whole concept of me being able to control this inanity!”

Uh-oh… He’s gone into Thesaurus mode…

“It’s rude to point…” Larry said weakly, eyeing the finger in front of him.

Phoenix slapped his forehead. That’s it. The fool’s dead.

“Really? I am sorry. Would you rather I strangled you instead?” Miles slammed his hand down hard on the table, making Larry shrink back in his seat.

“Geez, Edgeworth, keep it down, will you!” Phoenix finally interrupted.

Miles turned to glare at him, before noticing the small audience that was now keenly listening in on their argument. He sighed and closed his eyes, crossing his arms again.

Phoenix looked on.

What's wrong with him today? Can't he just admit that he lost?

...Although admitting defeat against Larry is probably the last thing any sensible person would want to do.

Scratch that. It's definitely the last thing any idiot would want to do.

But still... Why is he getting so riled up about this?

“Look, it’s fair play to Larry here, Edgeworth,” Phoenix continued. “You did say he could have his two lines, and even though it’s mucked up your safety mechanism, I think you’ve lost fair and square.” He shrugged and pointlessly stirred his drink. “After all, it’s not as if we haven’t already done all the things on that piece of paper.” He smiled cheekily.

Miles gave him a blank look and seemed to drift off into deep thought.

Phoenix stared at his expression for a moment, tilting his head to the side.

No witty comeback?

Is he actually going to let us help him now?

At this point, Larry seemed to realize that his life was not actually in danger and shifted into his seat. “At least I know what to work on with you now, Edgey!”

Miles snapped out of his inner ramblings and turned to him. “And what might that be? Are you planning on giving me lessons on gay stereotyping in addition to your ‘romance master class’?”

“Nah man, you don’t need to work on that,” Larry said, not quite getting the fact that Miles was being sarcastic. “We just have to work on everything you didn’t want to do on this list.” He held up the cursed piece of paper in one hand and gave a thumbs up with the other.

Phoenix let out a snicker of amusement and immediately felt a pair of narrowed, grey eyes pierce him. He faked a small cough and looked away. “Err… yeah, great idea there, Larry.”

Miles did not sound amused. “You can’t be serious, Wright.”

Oh, believe me, this is for your own good.

Plus I wouldn’t miss your embarrassment for the world, Edgeworth.

Either Larry didn’t get that Miles was not exactly agreeing with them, or he was simply ignoring it. He planted his hands on the table and quickly pushed up from his seat.

“Great! Let’s get started right away!” He smiled widely and grabbed Phoenix by the arm, dragging him away from his chair and towards the door.

“Wait, Larry…” Phoenix protested to no avail, trying to detach his friend from his coat sleeve. “Argh… wait a minute, will you? I need to pay for my drink.”

Larry huffed and dropped his hold, picking out his money to pay for his own drink. “Oh, yeah. Almost forgot about that. But hurry up, Nick! I want to get a hold of this woman before the end of my ability to get a hard on, y’know,” he mumbled, counting his change.

Ugh. Great. Highly unwanted image. Quick, mental block!

He shook his head.

Stupid Larry…

Muttering under his breath while reaching for his own wallet, Phoenix glanced over to the table he had been forced to vacate and realized that Miles was no longer there. He shrugged and turned away again, counting the correct dollars and cents out.

“I’ll get it.”

The voice behind him made Phoenix jump.

“Holy Christ… you scared the shit out of me, Edgeworth!”

Miles scoffed. “Is that the thanks I get for offering to pay for you?”

Phoenix was about to apologize when a thought struck him. He frowned. “Did... did you just offer to pay for my drink?” He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t want you thinking I can’t pay for a measly cup of coffee myself.”

Edgeworth quirked an eyebrow, as if the answer was obvious. “I couldn’t care less if you can afford it or not. It was my fault that you ruined a perfectly good drink. Call it justice.” He smirked.

Phoenix’s eyes widened.

Damn. He noticed.

“Err, okay… I suppose I can help you and your conscience and let you pay for me.” He grinned back at Miles and put away his wallet.

A free drink is a free drink, after all.

“Hey, Edgey, pay for mine as well, would ya?” Larry shouted over to them, the volume totally unneeded in such a quiet environment.

“No. Get your own,” Miles replied haughtily, handing over the money to the waitress at the register and nodding towards her in a gesture of thanks.

“Aww, come on, man! I’m one of your oldest buddies!”

“I said no, Larry.”

“That’s so not fair! You’re paying for Nick!”

“Wright is a different case.”

Larry crossed his arms and gritted his teeth at Miles. “Just because I’m not your friggin' boyfriend doesn’t mean I have fewer rights!”

Phoenix froze and stiffly looked around at the other people’s reactions. So much for secret relationship… He could tell that pretty much everyone in the café was watching the events unfold, some whispering about how it’s always the good ones that are gay, and others complaining about getting a little privacy and for them to take their damned relationship problems somewhere else.

He smiled and scratched the back of his neck, before turning back around to Miles for the undoubtedly angry reaction.

However, he was shocked to the core for the second time that day as he realized that Miles’ response was merely a smirk.

“Oh, but it does, Larry. If you wanted boyfriend rights, then you should have got there first.”

He waved his hand in dismissal of the argument and walked right out of the café.

Larry’s mouth dropped.

Phoenix’s mouth dropped.

They looked at each other wordlessly and both hurried out the door after him.


“So, Edgeworth… What other boyfriend rights do I get?”

Miles stopped and turned around, promptly rolling his eyes at Phoenix. “I’m not going to dignify such a question with an answer,” he replied curtly.

Phoenix smirked and started looking around at the shops and office buildings they were walking past.

“Man, if I knew you'd pay for my coffee, I'd so have volunteered to date you!” Larry whined from behind, walking with his usual slouch, his hands in his pockets.

We're not really dating, Larry...

“I didn’t pay for his coffee because of our arrangement,” Miles said in a bored voice, turning his head away after spotting a couple making out at the side of a building. Larry waved a fist in their direction and yelled at them to go and get a room.

Phoenix rolled his eyes. Yeah... Like you're really one to talk when you have a girlfriend...

They walked in silence for a moment, until Phoenix noticed he had a plastic bag stuck to his shoe. He stopped to pick it off.

Larry ignored him and walked past. He then turned around, suddenly looking incredibly interested in something behind Phoenix.

“Hey, look at that woman’s legs over there!” He let out a low whistle. “Boy, would I do her!”

“What?” Phoenix spun around to see where Larry was looking.

-THWACK-

A blinding pain flashed in the back of Phoenix’s head, making him see spots. He clutched his skull and blinked rapidly, trying to digest what had just happened.

“Ow, ow, ow! What the…?!” He quickly whirled back around to face an unimpressed Larry who had his arms folded across his chest. “What the hell's your problem!?”

“Tut, tut,” Larry cut in. He shook his head from side to side in a patronizing way. “You’re a gay man now, Nick! No more leering at the wonderful curves of women’s legs for you!” He gestured over at Miles. “Now, Edgey over here is giving a perfect example of a homosexual reaction. He simply ignored my comment and actually pretended to look more interested in what you were doing.” Larry slapped Miles on the back and received a glare.

Miles then glanced at Phoenix, but quickly looked away when their eyes met.

Poor Edgeworth. I think I might actually feel sorry for him. Larry could at least cut him some slack.

But still, watching him squirm is way too funny for some reason.

God, I'm a terrible person.

Phoenix chuckled to himself, only to realize that it made his head hurt even more.

“Remove your hand.”

Larry immediately took his arm off Miles’ back and stepped away from him, for once recognizing danger when he saw it.

Malicious thoughts flowed through Phoenix’s head about what might have happened if the idiot hadn’t let go at that moment in time.

“So, that’s lesson one: 'No ogling of the opposite sex',” he said, quickly dropping his worried look for a brilliantly beaming smile. “Besides, I’ll be able to do enough of that for all three of us while you two are gaying it up.”

“Larry, it’s not me that needs to know what this is all about,” Phoenix replied sulkily, still massaging the back of his head. “Quit messing around!”

Larry pouted at Phoenix and set off walking again, muttering something about how his brilliant help was never appreciated. The two lawyers – one with a throbbing head, the other with reason to give a certain someone a throbbing head – followed on behind him at a slower pace.

“I swear that man is unreal,” Phoenix muttered in disbelief, watching Larry strut off. “What does he think he’s playing at? I’m not some… pervert like him! 'Ogling of the opposite sex’ my ass… He's the one who should get whacked on the head for being such an idiotic... idiot… Trying to catch me out like that after I’ve stuck up for him all these years…”

“Interesting.”

“…Huh? What?” Phoenix looked across at Miles, who was pointedly avoiding his eyes, and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Tch, nothing. Just thinking out loud,” Miles responded, glancing at the front window of the bookstore Larry had disappeared into.

Is it just my imagination, or are the edges of Edgeworth’s mouth turned up… in a passable smile?

“No, seriously, what’s interesting?” Phoenix asked in an amused voice, mirroring the other man's expression.

“I was just observing…” Miles squinted at the window. “…‘Tickle His Pickle’...”

He flinched dramatically and Phoenix doubled over laughing.

“Edg… haha... Edgeworth, that’s…” He looked back up and promptly burst out laughing again at Miles’ extremely deep blush. “I didn’t know you were… ahahah… into sex books!” He bit his lip to try and stop the giggles.

“…Sex book?!” A flustered Miles crossed his arms and looked away from the front cover that showed a woman apparently enjoying licking a pickle. “I mean… uh… well… it’s interesting to see what people come up with...”

“Oh yes, I can plainly see that woman is definitely happy enough with that pickle,” Phoenix said through his ongoing chuckles.

Edgeworth glanced over at his friend and couldn’t help but smile again despite his deep embarrassment.

“Don’t be so immature,” he said indignantly, which only set Phoenix off once more.

“Seriously, how stubborn can you get?” Phoenix exclaimed, wiping an actual tear that had appeared through his laughing fit.

Miles gave him a blank look. “Stubborn?”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow.

Yes. Want me to draw you a picture?

Edgeworth sighed. He hesitated a moment. “Fine. I was talking about you, Wright.”

Phoenix blinked. “What? You think I'm interesting?”

“Yes,” Miles stated, looking at his friend's confused face. “Take it as a compliment.”

Phoenix smiled. “I think you need to come up with some better ways of complimenting people, Edgeworth. It’s annoying trying to decode every comment of yours.”

He pushed up his sleeve to glance at his watch, starting to wonder what was taking Larry so long.

He heard a strange noise and looked back up at Miles. To Phoenix’s astonishment, the man was chuckling in genuine amusement. Phoenix’s smile reached his eyes.

How many years has it been since you last laughed like that?

“What’s so funny, Edgeworth?”

Miles shook his head slightly and looked off to the side again, staring at a lamppost. “Nothing.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Right.”

There were a few seconds of silence as Phoenix turned his attention back to his watch.

“I highly doubt talking to yourself will do much good if you don't intend on responding.”

Phoenix snapped his gaze back up at a still smiling Edgeworth. He blinked a few times. “Did you just... make a joke?”

“Did I?”

Phoenix grinned. “It was terrible.”

I don't know what's gotten into him, but he really needs to smile like that more. It's miles away from his usual ‘I’m-so-much-better-than-you’ smirk.

Miles away...

Hah. How ironic.

Phoenix was jolted out of his thoughts as Larry suddenly reappeared.

“Dudes, look at what I just bought!” He waved his left hand, in which he held a magazine. Phoenix didn't even have time to see what was on the front cover, as it was quickly pushed in front of Miles’ unimpressed face. “What do you think?”

Miles seemed to pale as he glanced at the page Larry had flipped open, and promptly slapped the magazine away. “I do not want to see your indecent atrocities, thank you very much.”

“That’s right, you deny yourself that porn, Edgey! Remember, you’re a gay man now!” Larry chirped, making good use of his new favourite motto.

Did he just say porn? Did he just try and show Edgeworth a porn magazine?

Wow. I think I should actually congratulate him on reaching new heights of idiocy that I didn't think possible for mere human beings.

“Quit getting a kick out of the whole ‘gay’ thing,” Phoenix scolded. “Besides, you do know that Edgeworth is going to kill you for that, right?”

“Yup!” Larry replied in a cheery voice. “But I’m hoping he’ll hold out for a moment so I can share some romantic knowledge with you two kind gentlemen. It’s to do with your date on Tuesday.”

Miles scowled. “It had better not be anything stupid.”

Larry shook his head. “I’m done making fun out of you now,” he said haughtily, in a failed attempt at copying Miles’ voice and tone. “Now, gather around, my children. I’m going to teach you some valuable information!”

Oh God, here we go…

Phoenix leaned against the wall and sighed inwardly. But he decided to listen to Larry's teachings anyways.

Might as well give him the benefit of the doubt...

“I’ve been taking notes on your actions together, and I think you both need a drastic change if you want to look like a proper couple!”

No shit.

Larry punched his fist into his left hand in an impression of an army officer and started pacing. “For a start, there’s that really irritating use of your surnames that you both have. It really gets on my nerves, dudes! It’s as if you’re not even pals or something, or both incredibly posh and last-name-usey.”

Oh, cause calling everyone 'dude' is a lot better. I forgot.

Miles furrowed his eyebrows. “I refer to all my colleagues by their professional names, it’s common courtesy... Something you wouldn’t have the foggiest idea about.”

Larry stopped walking and stood in front of Miles. “But that’s not the point, Edgey! You’re lovers now, right?”

“Secret ‘lovers’, Larry,” Phoenix corrected, showing the quotation marks with his fingers. “We can’t act differently towards each other, because that would totally blow away the point of it.”

“I’m not telling you to use it every day, I’m talking about Tuesday night.” Larry turned slightly and gave Phoenix a withering look. “I thought you were supposed to be the natural genius here, Nick.”

Miles sighed. “Tuesday night doesn’t have to be any diff--”

“Wrong, Edgey! This is your big chance to get rid of her for good by showing her that you’re both for real!” Larry cried out.

Phoenix pondered.

I guess he's right for once. That's probably the best course of action. If we manage to convince her that we're serious, then the next couple of weeks should be an easy feat to pull off...

“Actually, he does have a point there, Edgew--”

“Nick, you’re doing it again!” Larry rolled his eyes at Phoenix's puzzled look. “It’s not ‘Edgeworth’, it’s ‘Edgey-baby’…”

“…What!?” Phoenix snorted. “There’s no way in hell I’m saying that, Larry.”

“Well, you can’t call him ‘Edgeworth’ anymore. That’s just poncy.”

“It’s his name.”

“But going around saying ‘my Edgeworth’, that’s lame. ‘My Edgey-baby’ sounds so much better!” Larry protested, pouting slightly at the lack of enthusiasm from his friend.

It sounds way too gay for my lik--

Oh, wait...

“There's no way on Earth I am being called such a ridiculous name,” Miles interrupted, explaining what Phoenix had failed to. “And I am no one’s property.”

“You mean to say you don’t like ‘Edgey-baby’? But it’s so cute!”

Miles didn’t even bother answering that one. He just glared back at Larry, making him recoil in fear.

“Well, thanks for the advice, Larry,” Phoenix said calmly. “We’ll try to sound more informal on the night, if you think it’ll help.”

Larry smiled widely and stuck out his thumb. “Not a problemo, mon ami!”

He does realize that’s three different languages he’s mixed up there, right?

Larry’s glance fell on his watch and his eyes widened. Phoenix could practically see the cogs whirring incredibly slowly in his mind.

It really could use some oiling to run smoother…

“Nick, dude, where was I supposed to be at twelve o’clock?”

Phoenix snickered slightly. “It wouldn’t be work by any chance? You did say something about making up for not going in on Friday, or Thursday, or Wednesday…”

“Awh, man! I’m late! I’m late!” Larry flung his arms in the air and started to panic, repeating the two words over and over.

“Shame. And I was really looking forward to your advice on romance,” Miles commented dryly, folding his arms as he watched Larry dart back and forth like a mad man.

“I’ve gotta go, otherwise Chelsea will be mad, and that woman is so not cute when she’s mad,” Larry said, hopping from one foot to the other. “Here, take this.” He shoved a crumpled piece of paper into Phoenix’s hand and winked. “Treat it like you’d treat a pile of gold!” And with that, he waved a frantic hand at the both of them and disappeared down the street, narrowly missing getting run over by two bikes, three cars, a taxi and a red van.

Phoenix looked at the wrinkled bit of paper in his hand and recognized the handwriting as Edgeworth’s. Curious about why Larry would have given him back the list of conditions Edgeworth had drafted up, he smoothed out the paper to see what it meant.

Phoenix could just about make out the notes Larry had added in his scruffy handwriting:

don't read this shit it's just there for spacing, no really Conditions and Ways of a Couple
don't read this shit it's just there for spacing, no really I'm serious!! by Mr. Larry Butz
don't read this shit it's for spacing 1. Physical contact of any kind
Every little brush of the shoulder should be magnified for all to see! Hold hands; be proud of your partner, show them off to the world! Oh, and don’t forget those cheeky possessive kisses when you know someone is watching but it simply seems instinctive.
don't read this shit it's for spacing 2. Pet names or nicknames
FIRST NAMES A MUST! But cute nicknames are even better! They bring your relationship to a whole new level! It’s giving you those private moments when you feel like you and your love are in your own special world, severing reality and escaping in each other’s voice… It makes me squeak just thinking about it!
don't read this shit it's for spacing 3. Wasting of valuable work time on romantic activities
Wanting to be alone with your partner is just natural instinct. Is there a better way of showing them your dedication? Living on the edge and risking your livelihood all for love: extremely romantic and a totally valid reason for failing college, I feel, even if they do break up with you the next day.
don't read this shit it's for spacing 4. Personal or sexual jokes
It gives you something to talk about, something to connect with. A good partnership needs its own amusing moments or it’ll all just fall apart because of the stuffiness. Sex jokes make people around you feel uncomfortable, but it also shows them that you are totally serious with one another! Try things such as ‘That isn’t what you were saying in bed last night’, or when someone drinks out of the same straw as you, pleasantly remind them where your mouth was last night.
don't read this shit it's for spacing 5. More amount of time together than necessary
After a while, you start learning each other’s strange habits, things you like and things unique to them, reminding you why you’re dating them in the first place. It develops the bond between the two of you, and you know it’s a perfect partnership if you can stand to be around one another for such a long time.
don't read this shit it's for spacing 6. Disrupting phone calls for useless reasons
Awh, man! These are just great! Knowing someone actually wants to hear about you and your day (heck, that they actually want to talk to you) totally makes dating worthwhile. Try a simple 'Hey love, how are you doing today?' or even a 'What are you wearing?' and you can be assured the day will have been made.
don't read this shit it's for spacing 7. Inefficient clothing (including nakedness)
Hey, it’s a valid perk! Use it while you can! You ‘accidentally’ walk in on your partner getting changed and whoops! What do you know, you’re late for work or your next appointment! Honestly, your obsessive colleague will understand the first couple of times, but I don't recommend using it as an excuse every day.
don't read this shit it's for spacing 8. This is a private relationship and is not to be discussed with other people
I do not want to hear such an atrocity to romance! Love is to be displayed in front of people, to be shared and be rubbed in other people’s faces!

Follow all my advice and your relationship will be a perfect display of affection and love with plenty of romance to liven things up. However, BEWARE! Too much of the above tends to make -my- your partner want to split up with you for unknown reasons.

Phoenix looked up, just as Miles finished reading. Their eyes met. They blinked at each other, Larry’s extremely personal advice swimming through their heads.

Miles sighed. “I think I can safely say that Larry is a complete and utter…”

Idiot? Pervert? Failed romantic?

“…dead man.”

Ah, yes, that works too.

“Heh, yeah…” Phoenix chuckled nervously, pocketing the piece of paper. “He wants us to go that far to prove that we’re a couple when we’re… well, not?”

“I can’t believe him. He's gone and ruined any hope of me being able to control the situation,” Miles said, sounding deeply annoyed.

“And I can’t believe how much of a stubborn jerk you can be sometimes, Edgeworth,” Phoenix replied. “Why couldn’t you just admit that your conditions were stupid and totally getting rid of all the romance we could squeeze in?”

“They weren’t stupid. Those conditions were all entirely valid points, considering we’re not really a couple,” Miles muttered.

Phoenix sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

Miles shook his head. “How was I supposed to know that the opposite of my conditions could be defined as ‘romance’?”

Well, obviously... If you knew, you would have phrased them differently. I still can't believe how lame that was. Outwitted by the Butz.

Phoenix laughed loudly at that thought.

“Don’t laugh at my lack of romantic knowledge, Wright,” Miles snapped.

“Oh… no, I wasn’t laughing at that,” Phoenix replied defensively. “It’s just…”

Okay, somehow I really doubt he'd like the real reason any better...

This calls for some quick bluffing.

“I was laughing because... I was surprised to see how much Larry really knows about romance.”

Miles crossed his arms. “Honestly, Wright. What do you take me for? Even I can tell how bloody ridiculous the advice on that paper is.”

Phoenix scratched the back of his neck. “That obvious, huh?”

“Quite.”

Phoenix looked down at his feet, trying to hide his sheepish grin.

Well, of course I should have known he can recognize stupidity when he sees it... Even with something he doesn't have a clue about.

He's not as helpless as he thinks he is...

There was a sudden burst of noise that came from Phoenix’s jacket pocket and he jumped slightly before recognizing the familiar Steel Samurai ringtone.

It's a miracle I've made it this far today without getting a heart attack, Phoenix thought, reaching for the accursed object. First Edgeworth, then Larry, now my very own cellphone… They’re all against me!

He wearily plucked the phone out of his pocket.

It was then that he saw the display.

He quickly cut the line and repocketed the device.

“Nice ringtone.”

“Shut up, Edgeworth,” Phoenix mumbled back, damning his conspicuousness and shifting his coat as the phone dug into him at the wrong angle.

“That was a compliment, Wright.”

I suppose… If you’re into children’s shows, that is.

“Why didn’t you answer it?” Miles asked, a genuine curiousness to his voice.

Phoenix sighed and shifted his jacket a bit more out of nervousness. “One of those insurance companies,” he muttered without much conviction.

“I thought you were supposed to be a lawyer, Wright.” He smirked. “That lie was atrocious.”

Phoenix smiled down at the pavement.

Yeah, your little 'literature appreciation' cover-up earlier was a lot better.

“You’re right. I meant to say it was my obsessive fan club.” He looked up cheekily at Miles. “What can I say, they love me too much.”

“A simple ‘It was Maya Fey’ would have sufficed.”

Phoenix’s eyes widened. “Can you read minds or something?!”

“No,” Miles replied honestly. “But I can read phone screens, no matter how far back in the dark ages you believe me to be from.”

Blushing, Phoenix chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. “Next time, just put me out of my misery, Edgeworth. I get enough of your manipulating in the courtroom.”

Miles shrugged. “It’s a lot more interesting to have the upper hand,” he responded, picking a bit of invisible lint off his trenchcoat. “Now, if you don’t mind, it’s getting quite chilly and I think we’re finished here, so…”

Phoenix nodded and started walking back the way they had come.

“Where are you going, Wright? The bus stop is that way.”

Turning around, Phoenix caught sight of a puzzled-looking Miles, rooted to the same spot, pointing in the opposite direction.

“Well, yeah, but you parked near the café.” At Miles’ blank look, he rolled his eyes. “Geez, I’m just walking back with you to keep you company! Is that such an alien thing, along with having a friendly arm wrapped around you?”

Miles flinched.

Phoenix smirked. Oh, you better get used to it!

“Fine. Whatever takes your fancy.”

They both set off towards the café.

Phoenix slid his hands into his pants' pockets and realized that he still had the crumpled piece of paper.

What am I still doing with this piece of junk?

He took it out of his pocket and grinned over his shoulder before handing it over to Miles.

“Here, take this. You need it more than me.”

Miles’ face went blank. “Very amusing, Wright,” he said, in a tone reflecting the exact opposite of ‘amused’. He looked around as they walked along – presumably for a trash can – but finally gave up and pocketed it. “I’ll make sure it finds its correct slot in my morning waste disposal.”

“Aww, what a shame. You sure you don’t want to follow the brilliant advice?”

“First names, sex jokes, wasting work time, holding hands, kissing…” Edgeworth recited, checking off each point on his fingers. “Need I say more?”

Phoenix laughed and stuffed his hands back inside his pants' pockets. “Okay, okay, you’ve made your point.”

Miles let out a sigh. “I hate being the one who can’t understand any of this rubbish… It’s like learning your multiplication tables and having your teachers mock you because you forget seven times eight,” he muttered, his voice barely audible.

“Yeah, you do kind of suck at the whole personal thing,” Phoenix commented lightly, turning to witness a frowning Edgeworth. “Though I doubt you ever forgot your times tables. I bet you were born with them engraved on your brain.”

“You weren’t supposed to hear my confession about failing to understand something.”

“It was interesting.” Phoenix shrugged. “You really are human, after all.”

Miles rolled his eyes, then turned his gaze towards the surrounding buildings. “Full marks for that intelligent observation, Wright.”

Phoenix smiled. “Lighten up, will you? Really, it’s weird but kind of nice to see a softer side of you... And that’s within not even three days... Imagine what could change in those three weeks.”

“I don’t think I want to know what three weeks spent in a fake relationship with you will do to me,” Miles replied, refusing to look at Phoenix.

Christ, he says it as if dating me would be some kind of torture. I’m not that bad!

“Fine. Deny it all you want, Edgeworth. I know I’m right.”

They finally reached the parking lot next to the café and stopped. Miles took out his keychain and pressed the button to unlock the doors of his red sports car.

Show-off. You could have done that after I’d left.

There was a pause as they both looked for something to say and failed.

It was Miles who eventually broke the silence as he walked over to his car. “Well, I’ll be seeing you, then.”

“Wait,” Phoenix called out, causing Miles to turn on his heel and stare at him.

Phoenix grinned cheekily. “You never said what time you were picking me up on Tuesday for our date.”

Miles gave him a scathing look. “Find your own transport.” He turned away again. “And it is not a date, Wright. It's an informal and apparently romantic meeting between us.”

Dates are informal romantic meetings, Edgeworth.

He shook his head. “Well, whatever. See you, then, Edgey-baby.”

Miles spun back around once again to glare at him.

Phoenix chuckled at how easy it was to rile the already irritated prosecutor up.

“Don't even think of calling me that,” Miles snapped.

“That's not what you were saying in bed last night.”

Okay, I might have gone a bit too far there...

Phoenix quickly took off before Edgeworth could react and made a mental note to himself:

---

Last edited by Shiva on Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:10 am, edited 8 times in total.

*snickers* This is very funny. I was happy to see that an update was posted.



Oh...My...god...

I totally LOL'ed. I am really looking forward to seeing how the sexuality issues play out in this fic.

Larry in this fic is totally amazing. Ridiculous, but not too ridiculous. I think, sometimes, that Larry is over the top to the point of it being annoying. You've managed to make the situation so ridiculous that he actually makes some sense -- and he's really amusing XD

The above paragraph was definitely my favourite.




*snickers* pr0n for Edgey. Scary, scary things. Hmmm, I think this is something that merits discussion. Miles and porn.

Overall, great job. Can't wait for the next chapter.

I love that whole porn scenario. I laughed so much reading that the first time and then again the second time too.

Also:

SPLORF!!! I can't wait to hear about this the next day from Edgwroth's POV!

---

Heh. I'm not very good at putting my thoughts to "paper" for review-type things, but... I do love this story of yours. It's just all so neatly packaged up, and several times I've actually burst out laughing in public at parts of it. And, of course, in this chapter, Larry using two lines the way he did was just the cleverest thing ever. I was sitting there going "What can he POSSIBLY do with them?" and when I found out, I was floored with glee. It's all just so great! /babble

---

Ahah, glad you like our Larry XD He's too much fun to write. And I agree, Larry should be dumb, but not TOO dumb :) Hey, he DID outwit Edgeworth here XD


I LOLed XD That would be the best topic of conversation ever :)


DAMN YOU GUYS LIKE PORN TOO MUCH XD


Expect that and more *evil laugh*


Ahah, sorry for making you laugh in public XD Hope that didn't earn you too many weird looks ;) And yeah, NEVER underestimate Larry! Edgeworth found out the hard way, ahah. But yeah, thanks for the kind words :) I'm really glad you like it so far!

---

I've followed this series from the first day it came up; let me say that I am impressed! I don't like the Edgey/Phoenix pairing much, but I like how you parody it. Keep it up!

---

Why, thank you :)
It's nice to see that the story can be interesting even if you're not a fan of Phoenix/Edgeworth.

---

EDIT: Ignore this post

---

If you hated the chapter that much, you didn't need to edit your post, you know :P Now I'm curious.

---

>_>;;

Well, if you really want to know, I was saying I was glad that this was Fake!P/E and not turning into Real!P/E. It's a nice change.

Only I said it far less elegantly.

---

I still don't see how bad the post could be if all you were saying is that it's a nice change, but okay :P
And can you tell me what makes you say that? :)

---

Among other things, the pairings postulated in this fic happen to correspond to my opinions of Phoenix and Edgeworth, and plus there's way too much taking-itself-too-seriously fics and way too many yaoi fics. This one is neither :D

And it was bad because the original post had vague implications of homophobia >_>;

---

Long chapter took LONG to tag T_T
-


“Ouch!”

Miles quickly brought his bleeding finger to his mouth in an attempt to soothe the stinging pain. “Blasted paper cuts…”

Glaring down at the bundle of documents, he quickly picked it up and stuffed it in the top drawer of his desk, taking extra care that he didn’t brashly slide his fingers against the sides in his uncommon haste to finish up at the office.

He mentally scolded himself for the undignified rush, but decided he had a good reason. It wasn’t as if he had really been working anyway. He hadn’t been able to focus all day, no matter how much he tried to push his thoughts aside. And come to think of it, he hadn’t accomplished much more the previous day either.

Miles sighed loudly and buried his face in his hands.

I’ve already been over this…

Trying to convince himself that what was happening that evening was nothing worth thinking about seemed rather absurd at this point.

I’m just going to have to face it, he thought, resignedly. I don’t know whether I should dread what’s happening tonight, or look forward to getting rid of Everett.

Glancing at a crumpled piece of paper on the farthest right hand corner of his desk, Miles decided he already knew the answer.

Now, which floor would be the best to jump from without surviving?

He groaned and grabbed the paper that read ‘Conditions’. He stared at it for a few seconds before getting up and walking over to his waste paper bin, determined to get rid of the list once and for all. Pausing with his hand over the rim, Miles looked at the fistful of paper once more and sighed.

Well, I never managed to do it yesterday. What makes today any different?

He walked back to his desk and sat down. He laid the list down and smoothed it out, before resting his head against his hand. He started skimming through it for what was probably the hundredth time since Sunday and let out another sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

He’d drafted up those conditions for a reason. They were there to stop everything from spiralling out of control, to help him ease away from anything… influential.

And Wright seems to think this is so fucking funny…

How can he be so calm about this when his reputation could be in jeopardy?

Everett is not exactly what I would call trustworthy…

Not to mention there’s about a ninety-nine percent chance we’ll screw everything up tonight.

Miles directed his attention back to the paper and frowned.

“…‘when someone drinks out of the same straw as you, pleasantly remind them where your mouth was last night’…” He rolled his eyes. “What kind of brainless idiot would do something like that? Well… Larry, of course.”

…Why am I talking to myself?

He went back to reading the rest of the paper, but for some reason, his eyes kept drifting back to that particular line.

Why the hell can’t I stop reading this stupid thing? It’s not like I’m tempted to try it or anything. Ridiculous…

…‘when someone drinks out of th--’

Oh, dear God…

His eyes widened in horror as he remembered a certain incident from two days ago.

Damn it, Wright! How useless are you? You can’t even drink correctly, for Christ’s sake!

And why the hell does that even bother me? He’s the one who made a fool out of himself by almost choking on his disgustingly milky coffee and getting it all over his lips and...

“Come again?”

Ugh! I did not get such... inappropriate thoughts...

Miles shook his head. This was getting even scarier than the dreaded shirtless business.

I have to get a grip and focus. This is getting ridiculous.

Ever since that Saturday, he had been subjected to extremely annoying thoughts and questions. They were his own creations, and yet he couldn’t, for the life of him, think of any answers.

The biggest question of all was most definitely why he kept thinking about all this. Why did Wright suddenly seem so interesting? Why was he having so much trouble focusing on his work? Why was pretending to date Wright suddenly bringing up all these damned questions?

Miles needed answers, but he had no idea where to start to find them.

Perhaps I should try being rational.

He glanced at the clock on the wall and decided that work hours were indeed over. Especially if ‘work’ meant daydreaming about that damned defence attorney. He picked up a fountain pen off the desk and took a blank piece of paper from the same drawer he had put his paperwork away in earlier.

Quadratics was his first attempt at finding the logical answer.

It was just about the easiest solution to everything in maths when ‘x’ and all the complicated numbers equalled zero, and right at this moment, ‘x’ certainly was coming up with zero answers for Miles.

He wrote out the formula at the top of his paper and substituted ‘a’, ‘b’ and ‘c’ with his versions of integers.

‘The negative reason for my annoying thoughts, plus the root of those thoughts squared, minus four times the realisation that Wright is good-looking, times the fact I reacted to Wright being good-looking, but divided by two times the fact that Wright is a half-brained genius who has stuck by me all these years…’

Every time he tried to substitute ‘a’, Miles tried his hardest to think up a good insult to divide everything by, but it seemed as though maths wasn’t on his side. Then, when he was meant to come out with two possible answers, he was always stuck with a bloody surd that basically asked for the root of his uncanny thoughts… still asking him for that damned why!

Oh Christ, who am I kidding? Even quadratics isn’t going to solve this massive problem.

It’s no good.

He swept the paper off the desk and threw it into the waste paper bin with great accuracy.

I’m just going to have to think of another solution.

…Google.

That’s right, Google was a fountain of knowledge. It would undoubtedly come up with some conclusion as to ‘what finding your best friend and rival – who you happen to be pretending to date – stupidly fascinating and funny means’. However, when Miles typed this into the search box, it came back with the same zero results as that ‘x’.

He racked his brains for a shorter list of keywords and tried a simple ‘What happens when pretending to date friend’.

That didn’t come up with any interesting results, either.

The first hit was some religious website about what happens to unbelievers and sinners who pretend to date, the next one was an obscure website about pretending to use a bed as a raft, and the next was about some nut job who wanted someone to pretend to date their friend.

There really are some weirdoes on the Internet, Miles thought, annoyed, as he closed off the browser and shut the unhelpful piece of junk down.

If mathematical formulas and technology weren’t cut out for the job, then there had to be something in literature to help Miles figure out this strange habit of always thinking about Wright, and why it had only recently posed a problem.

However, Miles wasn’t very fond of novels.

Understatement of the century.

To him, they were always full of nonsensical idealistic notions about the world; fantasies or sci-fi being overly unbelievable, romance lacking any sort of point whatsoever, and humour not even remotely amusing as the author tries too hard to be funny. Depressive real life stories and horror books were not needed by someone of his past.

I don’t think I’ll even go there.

He carefully scanned his wall of case files for anything that could help. It seemed a safe enough prospect; at least this wasn’t some preposterous made up nonsense. But he soon had to come to the realization that the case files were completely useless in this predicament.

Scowling at the wooden shelves as if it was their fault he was so messed up in the head, Miles scolded himself for not being able to work it all out. It should have been so simple, but yet nothing was clicking within his mind as to what all these things meant.

Sure, Wright was his sometime rival, sometime friend, whom he deeply respected for his determination and sense of justice, not to mention the trust he always put in other people – the trust he had put in him all those years – but the fact still remained that Wright was, well, Wright. Even after Miles’ disappearing act, nothing had really changed between them, except for the fact that it seemed to have brought them a bit closer for some reason. But even at that, he’d never had trouble focusing on his work before, and these past two months had been no exception. So why now? What was so different now that it rendered him completely neglectful and confused? Nothing had changed. Nothing… apart from the fact that he was now pretending to date the man, but why should that influence his behaviour in the slightest, let alone so dramatically? And why was it that he now seemed to think differently of the defence attorney? Had it been a different person, would he still be thinking the same damned things?

Dating… Miles’ head snapped up as he remembered that now really wasn’t the time to be brooding. He looked at the clock. Only an hour and a half until I get sucked into hell.

“I wonder what Wright’s doing right now,” he muttered to himself, picturing the attorney tapping the desk with a pen and looking bored, or whatever that man did at work. Then he remembered what time it was and figured that his friend had probably been home for a while. “He must be watching TV or something.”

Miles blinked. He did a double take at his unintentional speech and shook his head.

This is ridiculous. It looks like the only way I’m going to get rid of this man from my mind is by having him there so I don’t keep visualising his stupid smile and his handso--

…and his face.

Slamming a hand down onto the desk, decision made, Miles grabbed his coat and forced himself off the chair. He strode out of the office and hurried down the dozen sets of stairs, not even stopping to regain his breath when he reached the ground floor, just in case he’d want to go back on his decision. He swiftly walked across the lobby and past the reception desk.

“Um… Mr. Edgeworth, sir?”

Miles sharply turned around to lock eyes with a confused-looking receptionist. Her bright red hair, tied back tightly in a ponytail, flopped to the right as she tilted her head.

“Yes, Miss Spencer?”

“I was wondering if your office clock was still working.”

Miles raised an eyebrow, wondering if the question was just another one of those excuses women always came up with to have a chat.

Females really are weird creatures. They’d do anything to get me into a conversation… even act worried about my clock.

I mean, really…

“I think you’ll find it’s in perfect working order. And even if it were broken, I could make do with my watch.” He bowed slightly and turned to set off again. “Thank you for your concern.”

“But it’s only six o’clock! I was about to leave, but I can still call up the caretaker to go and fix it now if you want?”

Miles spun back around and frowned.

“Is there any reason why my leaving at six o’clock should be a problem?” He crossed his arms and tapped his index finger impatiently against the fabric of his coat. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have somewhere that I need to be.”

He would have left right that second and ignored any further conversation if the receptionist hadn’t looked so genuinely shocked.

“But… but Mr. Edgeworth, sir… You’ve never… ever left before I finished my shift since… since I first started working here!” she stuttered, eyes wide. “And from what I’ve heard, you often spend all evening working.”

Miles stared at her in disbelief. Christ, is it really that shocking?

“I do have a social life, Miss Spencer, no matter what the rumours say,” he retaliated, a little too harshly.

She flinched a bit at that. “Right… erm… okay…”

Ignoring the incredulous mumbling of ‘Nah… he couldn’t have a date, could he?’, he continued through to the underground parking lot, hurriedly getting his keys out and pressing the unlock button on the keychain. He got into his car and turned on the ignition, before letting out a sigh and taking a look at himself in the rear-view mirror.

I really need to sort this out… Wright, what the hell are you doing to me?


-Ding-Dong-

After a bit of scuffling from the inside, the door was pulled open to reveal a slightly taken aback defence attorney.

“Edgeworth…?” Phoenix blinked a couple of times, and after a slight pause, he started chuckling.

“What is it, Wright?” Miles asked, slightly put out by the welcome he received.

Well, what was I expecting?

“Oh… nothing. Just got a massive déjà vu,” Phoenix said, grinning. “You’ve got that exact same expression on your face and everything.” He glanced down at himself, apparently making sure he was really wearing a simple white shirt this time, before looking back up at Miles. “Okay, so maybe not that big of a déjà vu.”

Shame.

Wait… What the hell am I saying?

Ugh… Of course I meant it would have been amusing to see him make a fool of himself again.

…And what did he mean by ‘the same expression’?

…Oh God, I’m staring again.

Miles quickly snapped his head back up and gestured for Phoenix to let him in. The other man obediently stepped aside, and Miles walked in without risking another glance at him.

Christ. If this keeps up, he’s going to think I’m weird.

It was then that something seemed to register with Phoenix. Miles could literally hear the penny drop. “Hang on… What are you doing here?”

“You need a lift,” Miles stated simply, already prepared in advance for that question.

“It’s only twenty past six, and you told me that you wouldn’t be picking me up even if a hurricane cropped up,” Phoenix commented sceptically.

Ouch. Am I that much of a hypocrite?

“I changed my mind,” Miles replied, refusing to look directly at Phoenix. “I’m feeling in a generous mood and I got bored at work. Besides, I suppose it would look suspicious if we arrived at different times.”

“That was my argument all along!” Phoenix complained. “…And you got bored at work? Are you feeling okay?”

Miles turned to look at him and saw the concerned look on his face.

Is he worried about me?

…Huh?

He suddenly realized his pulse was racing.

Damned stairs… I knew I shouldn’t have hurried that much.

Phoenix walked over to the sofa and crashed down onto it, still looking thoroughly confused.

Miles furrowed his eyebrows.

“Wright, do you have no sense of planning at all? I’m here to pick you up and you aren’t even ready.”

“Okay, let me get this straight…” Phoenix raised a hand and rubbed his temple with the other. “You came to pick me up early for a date that you’ve been dreading, even after swearing down that you wouldn’t help me with transport no matter what because the whole thing was my fault, and now you’re expecting me to magically know about your change of heart and be ready for your surprising appearance?” He crossed his arms and frowned. “I think I’m missing something here.”

“That still doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t ready,” Miles stated, standing awkwardly by the sofa.

Phoenix leant back and placed his hands behind his head. “Neither are you. You’re still in your frilly work clothes.”

“At least my work clothes are presentable for where we’re going,” Miles scoffed, straightening his cravat.

Actually, he has a point. I haven’t had any time to change.

Well… more like I really didn’t think about it.

Damn. I’m so bad at this.

Phoenix turned to face him and pouted slightly, putting a hand on his heart.

“And I thought I was doing you a favour.”

Miles cringed.

Gah, he can’t bring that up. That’s cheating!

“Just… go and get ready. You’ve wasted enough time complaining about my generosity, and if you don’t get a move on, we’re going to be late.” He turned away and pretended to look at the picture on the wall. It wasn’t so much of a picture as it was about a hundred soup cans arranged in a mosaic, but at least it saved him from having to look at Wright.

“Yes, Master,” Phoenix mumbled back, before sliding off the couch and walking into the bedroom.

As soon as Phoenix disappeared behind the door, Miles let out a breath he didn’t notice he’d been holding. Seeing Phoenix had managed to stop the ongoing thoughts, but this meant he now had to socialize with him.

He leaned back against the wall and shook his head.

This is going to be such a long night…


The car journey was largely uneventful, Phoenix attempting to start up a conversation many times at first, but eventually giving up when all Miles gave him were one-word answers without even bothering to glance back at him.

After parking the car, they walked to the restaurant that Kath had chosen for them the day before. Phoenix leaned against some railings in front of the building and seemed to do a double take at the opulence of the exterior, probably wondering if there had been some kind of mistake. Miles just stood there, arms crossed, and there was silence for several minutes as neither of them dared say a word.

Well, this is cozy...

Miles checked his watch.

Five minutes to seven... And Everett's not supposed to show up until seven thirty. Of course I should have known that rushing wouldn't get me out of this any faster... Whatever was I thinking? Now I'm stuck here with Wright for half an hour...

“Are you trying to mentally speed up the second hand or something?”

Miles turned to look at Phoenix, who was frowning at him. He rolled his eyes and directed his attention back to his watch.

Phoenix sighed. “Is this your way of storing all your social abilities up for later? Good idea, I suppose. I know you’re in short supply.”

You have no idea...

“Shut up, Wright,” Miles grumbled.

Another sigh. “You’re not going to be like this all night, are you?”

“Why? How else should I be?”

“Pleasant.”

“I’m always pleasant,” Miles snapped, looking up again to see an amused smile on Phoenix's face. He immediately regretted that as his stomach suddenly felt incredibly light.

This man is bad for my health.

“You’re always pleasant to the eyes, you mean,” Phoenix replied, smirking evilly.

Oh, hell no...

“Wright, please tell me you’re not planning to make stupid jokes all night.”

Phoenix chuckled. “Well, if you don’t want me to, you better stop ignoring me.”

“I don’t like to discuss irrelevant things,” Miles responded. He tried to look away from Phoenix’s face, but couldn’t force himself. It was as if his own body had turned mutinous on him.

“Hmm… No irrelevant talking… No physical contact without you freaking out… No discussing anything personal…”

Miles noticed Phoenix rub his neck and bite his lip, and he had to blink a couple of times before he could snap out of his staring.

Traitors, he mentally scolded his eyes.

After a few moments, Phoenix finally dropped his arm, and Miles noted the bead of sweat that ran from his forehead. “We’re screwed.”

Miles looked blankly at him. “…What? What are you talking about?”

“My hair, of course.”

Miles blinked.

“The date, Edgeworth.” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “What's wrong with you today?”

Trust me, I'd like to know as well...

Phoenix shook his head. “Do you even realize that you're going to ruin everything if you don't at least try to follow the conditions? If you wanna keep being stubborn, then I don't know why I even bother.” Phoenix shrugged. “Oh well... At least, by the end of tonight, it’ll be fairly obvious that we're not dating and this whole charade can end.”

It’ll end before it’s even begun…

Miles sighed.

Fine. You win, Wright.

“Alright, I’ll try,” he blurted out. “If you think it’ll work, I suppose it can't be worse than having Everett constantly harass me. Besides, I’m not a complete unsociable wreck.”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow.

Miles scowled. “At the very least, I have business meetings.”

“I still think ‘unsociable wreck’ describes you pretty well,” Phoenix replied.

“You watch. I’ll make it work, if not just to spite you,” Miles responded indignantly.

“Hah. This will be interesting,” Phoenix said, smirking. “I wonder if we can pull it off?”

“Pull what off?”

Both men jumped at the interruption from the all-too-recognizable voice behind them.

Kath stood there with her arms crossed and a confused look on her face, before the expression suddenly turned into one of embarrassment. “…Or do I not want to know?”

Oh Christ.

“How long have you been listening in?” Phoenix asked quickly, looking at her with wide eyes.

“I… I’m sorry! I didn’t… didn’t mean to interrupt your private conversation. I only heard your last comment, I swear!”

Miles shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

That… was too close. He then smirked at the horrified look on Phoenix’s face. And now Wright has been made out to be a pervert. How fun.

Wait... What is she doing here already?

He glanced at his watch.

“You're early, Everett. Our date is not for another thirty minutes.”

Kath frowned. “What...? Didn't we say seven o'clock?”

Miles shook his head.

Thank God for the scatterbrained woman... Now we can get this over with...

“No matter. It's lovely to see you, Everett,” Miles said silkily, bowing. “May I compliment you on your fine choice of restaurant?”

“Please, Miles, call me Kath. And I’m glad you like the restaurant. I spent a long time choosing the perfect place! Not that I made a fuss over it or anything…” Kath’s face flushed slightly and she looked at the floor in embarrassment.

Phoenix discreetly pretended to heave from the sickly sweetness. “Aww, such a charmer with the ladies, aren’t you? You never complimented me on my suit and I ironed it specially for you,” he said, righting himself.

What do you think you’re doing, Wright?

“Could have fooled me. It looks like the same old crumpled suit I see you in every day,” Miles bit back.

“Hey! We can't all afford to buy disposable suits, you know!”

Miles raised an eyebrow at the stupid joke. “Of course not. But I'm pretty sure anyone can afford at least some kind of taste.”

Phoenix shook his head and slapped his palm against his forehead. Miles could practically read ‘We’re doomed’ all across the other man’s face.

Well, damn you, Wright! You were the one who started it!

“Oh, dear... Have I walked in on a domestic?” Kath asked, sounding suspiciously hopeful.

Phoenix laughed nervously. “Nothing of the sort, honest. Personal joke, you see...” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, shall we go in, then?” He gestured for her to walk in front of them.

Exceptional bluffing, as always, Miles thought, deciding it best to keep his sarcasm to himself.

“What the hell happened to all that talk about spiting me?” Phoenix whispered harshly into Miles’ ear as they followed Kath through the doors. “You totally blew me off!”

Miles ignored him, and instead turned his attention to Kath.

“Reservation for three under Everett, please.”

The headwaiter checked his book, before looking back up at his three customers. He glanced over at Miles, who gave him a blank look, then turned to Phoenix, who was busy giving Miles the evil eye, then returned to a grinning Kath.

He took out a handkerchief and coughed into it, before repocketing it. “We would appreciate it if you could please keep your grammar in check, Madame. That would be a reservation for three what? Three potatoes? Three pickles?”

Miles blinked. What? No... I must have imagined it.

The chuckle from Phoenix told him otherwise.

I’m never going to live that down, am I?

Phoenix leaned in to whisper in his ear again. “Hey, Edgeworth, what’s with the stiff?”

Miles turned to him. “I really don't know.” He shrugged. “He must think he's special because he works at such a highly ranked restaurant.”

“Well, damn, being posh doesn’t automatically make you rude.” Phoenix shook his head, before giving Miles an exaggerated look. “Actually, scratch that…”

“What happened to being pleasant, Wright? I’m sure it’s a two-way thing.” He ignored any signs of protest from Phoenix and turned back to Kath and the headwaiter.

Everett had a slightly annoyed look on her face. “Oh, I’m sorry. I was supposed to say ‘reservation for three people’.”

The headwaiter eyed the three of them again, before drawing his handkerchief back out.

“You were meant to say, you mean. Not ‘supposed’,” he scoffed.

I’m sure either is fine. He’s just being a nuisance now.

“Sorry. I meant to say ‘reservation for three people’.”

Miles saw her eye twitch as she said that.

“It’s ‘reservation under the name of Everett for three people’, if you want to be fully correct.”

Kath bared her teeth and rose onto her tiptoes to look down at the old man. “Now, you listen here, you pedantic bast--”

“Excuse me,” Miles suddenly cut in, stepping in front of Kath. “Is this how you treat all your customers? I'm amazed this place still gets business. Now, you either show us to our table immediately, or I'm asking for the manager. And believe me, if you value your job, you don't want me to do that.”

The headwaiter gave him an unimpressed look and coughed again. “Please, sir. Keep it down. You're bothering the other diners. Don't you have any manners?”

What!?

“I'm the one with no manners!? What do you think you've been doing since we got here? I really don't think Everett deserved any of that.”

Another cough. “A gentleman would never refer to a lady by her surname alone.”

That's it, I've had enough...

“Look, here. I--”

“Please excuse my partner for his rudeness,” Phoenix interrupted. “I think he's had a long day. What he meant to say is that his partner invited us here to have a good time, not to argue over etiquette.”

The headwaiter raised an eyebrow. “Your partner? His partner? I think you'll find that makes them both your partners, sir. Either learn to use proper grammar, or you can take your little business meeting elsewhere.”

Phoenix’s obviously fake smile wavered for a split second. “You’re wrong, I’m afraid. I meant the former as ‘my lover’. Therefore, my statement makes perfect sense.”

Miles hid behind his hand in shame and pretended not to see what was going on in front of him.

Great. Just lovely. Why not announce our secret, fake relationship to the world while you’re at it?

The old man gave Phoenix a cold glare before guiding them over to their table. He dropped the menus onto it in an offhand manner, avoiding eye contact at all costs. He then returned to his post without any further words, presumably eager to move on to his next victim.

“Good evening to you too, jerk,” Phoenix muttered under his breath.

This was the first time Miles had managed to get a good look at the room in front of him. It was split into two sections; a bar area on one side and the busy restaurant on the other. Many tables were already occupied by couples, giving the impression that the restaurant was a hot spot for people on dates. There were a few booths fitted for four people, like the one they had been assigned, but these didn't seem as popular as the tables with separate seats. The people closest to them were a family of four three tables down. It was a nicely secluded area, at least.

Phoenix seemed impressed with his surroundings as his eyes darted about, taking in the portraits and plants on the walls. He shuffled into the booth and looked staggered by the fact that he had three forks, three knives and two spoons.

“You know, Miles, I could have handled that perfectly fine by myself. There was no need for your interruption,” Kath said, still pretty angry. “He really wasn’t worth your time.” She eyed the headwaiter disapprovingly before sliding into the seat opposite Phoenix.

Miles made a move to sit next to her, until he saw the look on Phoenix's face.

That’s right. He’s my date. How could I forget?

He sighed and went to sit next to the other man instead. He scooted along the seat, only to have his knee brush against Phoenix’s. A slight prickling of his skin when it did made him yelp and flinch, causing him to ram his knee up into the table.

“Ow, ow!” He clutched his leg as pain flooded through it. “Wright! What do you think you’re doing!?” Miles snapped, catching Phoenix’s confused face.

Phoenix blinked back at him. “But… huh? I didn’t do any--”

Kath coughed and glared over at Phoenix. “Mr. Wright, would you please keep your hands to yourself! This is a highly respected restaurant! I’m sure you can save that... sort of thing for later.”

...What? She can't seriously be insinuating...

He glanced to the side and saw Phoenix’s face flush a brilliant red, his hands suddenly appearing in full view onto the table.

I knew it. This whole thing is going to be the death of me.

“Evere… Kath, Wright wasn’t--ouch!” More pain flashed through his already table-abused leg, as Miles realized that Phoenix had just kicked him.

“Something wrong, Miles?” Phoenix asked innocently.

Miles twitched. “Just caught my knee on the table. Nothing to worry about, Ph... Phoenix.”

He sent Phoenix a glare that read ‘Ask to rub it better, I dare you’ and picked up his menu to hide the spiky-haired man from view.

Kath eyed Phoenix, apparently peeved that he had the better seat and that he was toying with Miles right in front of her eyes. She picked up her menu and quickly changed the subject.

“I wonder if they have those lovely crab dishes still. It’s been an age since I last came to eat here.”

There was a long pause. Kath shuffled about a bit, visibly feeling the tension build up. She finally broke the silence with a small giggle.

“That reminds me of a funny story, actually! See, it was me and my friend Jen and her half sister… No wait, was that her step sister? Maybe it was her cousin… No, I’m pretty sure it was her half sister…”

What was that just then? That strange feeling in my knee…

Am I allergic to his washing powder or something?

...Yes. You keep telling yourself that.

God, I'm so hopeless...

It's as if I can't even act normally around Wright anymore.

Wait... Who says it has anything to do with Wright?

I've never been too keen on physical contact, so obviously my reflexes just reacted strangely at the sudden proximity...

Not to mention I'm feeling so damned light-headed right now...

That couldn't have helped...

“…Miles? What’s so interesting?”

Kath's voice instantly made him lose his train of thought and he dropped his menu in surprise.

Ah, I need to stop doing that!

Unfortunately for him, his menu fell right on the fork that had been laid out for appetisers, sending it flying off the table and onto the floor, where it landed with a clatter.

Miles jerked slightly at the noise, still not fully conscious, before looking down dumbly at the piece of silverware at his feet.

As if by reflex, both attorneys bent down at the same time to pick up the accursed object, causing Miles to hit his forehead against the back of Phoenix's head.

“Damn it,” Miles hissed, clutching his temple. “I can pick a simple piece of cutlery off the floor by myself!”

Phoenix defensively waved the hand holding the fork, rubbing his head with the other. “You looked totally out of it. I was only trying to help.”

Miles noticed that Phoenix was holding the exact same spot Larry had hit the other day.

Hard luck.

“Are you both alright?” Kath asked, a worried tone to her voice. “Oh, I’m sorry for scaring you like that, Miles! I just thought you’d found an interesting dish or something, and I was wondering if I should order the same thing…”

“It’s fine, Kath,” Miles replied, sighing. “You caught me unawares, is all.”

Why is it that every time Wright helps, it turns into a disaster?

Suddenly, a fork appeared right in front of Miles’ face, making him jerk backwards into his seat. He turned his head to the left, only to come face to face with a young woman wearing glasses who was clearly a waitress.

“I saw you drop your fork, sir, so I thought I should bring you a clean one!” She beamed down happily at Miles and placed the fork onto the table, before freezing up and clasping a hand over her mouth. “Oh! It’s not like I was staring at you or anything! I just happened to notice out of the corner of my eye, and all…”

Corner of your eye? You’re wearing glasses. Happened to notice? This part of the restaurant is empty.

There’s so many contradictions in that statement I don’t know where to begin.

“Ah, yes, thank you,” Miles replied politely, not missing the possessive glare Kath was sending in the waitress’ direction.

“No problem! Anytime, sir. Are you ready to order?”

Of course, if we say yes, then we’re stuck with you the whole night.

“We’ll ask for service when we’re ready, thank you,” Kath piped up from across the table.

“Oh...” The waitress looked away from Miles and glanced at Kath, before looking back at him. “Oh! I wondered why your voice sounded so feminine. It was someone else! Sorry! I’ll be back when you need me.” She gave a small wave, and slowly walked away to go and serve someone else.

Looks like we'll be stuck with her no matter what...

“I swear the staff here are picked on a basis of how much they can tick me off,” Kath said darkly. “Now I remember why I stopped coming to this place.”

Miles heard a snort of laughter come from Phoenix, who had apparently been observing everything.

“I think that waitress likes you,” he said, before hiding behind his menu, obviously trying to contain more laughter.

Kath scowled at him. “Don’t laugh at other people’s misfortunes! I’m sure Miles doesn’t send off ‘I’m gay’ vibes to everyone, so it’s to be expected that women will be interested.” She sighed and picked her menu back up.

Phoenix put his down and turned to Miles, resting his chin on his hand. “Mmm, I see what you mean.”

“You see what, now?” Miles asked quickly, not liking the look Phoenix was giving him.

“I just can’t help but agree with them.” Phoenix quickly bit his lip, trying to keep a straight face. “After all, any woman would love to have a man like you. I guess I’m pretty lucky to have you to myself.”

Miles’ pulse suddenly skyrocketed.

You’re enjoying humiliating me, aren’t you?

“Don’t be so feminine,” Miles scolded, putting down his menu after giving up on trying to read it, his head feeling way too light.

Phoenix shook his head and gave him a look that seemed to say ‘Roll with it, you cold bastard’.

“No, seriously, Miles, I don’t know what you see in me half of the time,” Phoenix said, sighing slightly. “I’m clearly not in your league.”

Christ, stop the dramatics, Miles thought, vainly trying to keep his heartbeat in check. It's painful enough to watch such bad acting without you pushing it.

“You’re being too harsh on yourself,” he replied through his teeth.

Phoenix grinned evilly. “I was only messing around. Why would I want all that attention, anyway?”

…Oh Christ, don’t say it. Cliché alarm bells are ringing.

“After all, I already have yo--”

“Everyone ready to order yet?” Miles quickly interrupted, looking at Kath to see a pout on her face that clearly read ‘Aww, I was enjoying that mush’.

Kath nodded glumly, and Miles had just raised his hand to call the waitress when she suddenly appeared.

“Are you ready to order now, sir?” she asked gleefully. Her eyes seemed to sparkle unnaturally brightly, though whether it was just the reflection in her glasses or something else, Miles wasn't sure.

Phoenix apparently found this extremely hilarious for some reason and suddenly burst into a fit of silent laughter, causing Miles to feel on edge.

He desperately tried to ignore the other man, who was now resting his head on the table from laughing so much, and looked up at the waitress in a bit of a daze.

“Err… yes, we’re ready…”

Actually… I’m really not. I haven’t even read the menu once. And I don’t even know what type of food they serve, so I can’t just make something up...

“…I’ll have whatever he’s having.” Miles gestured over at Phoenix.

That seemed to shut Phoenix up as he raised his head to give Miles a blank look.

“…What I’m having?” he repeated dumbly.

“Yes, Phoenix. Whatever you’re having. I trust your judgement. I simply can’t choose from all the great dishes,” Miles said, urging Phoenix to just hurry up and name something so the overly eager woman would hurry up and leave.

Blankness spread over Phoenix’s face.

Don’t tell me... he’s been too busy making fun of me to actually read the menu?

“Oh… right, erm... I was thinking about ordering… err…” Phoenix quickly looked around for inspiration, apparently too thick to simply pick up the menu, until his eyes landed on Kath. “Crab. The what-do-you-call-it one… The erm…”

Miles gestured towards the menu and Phoenix quickly picked it up.

“Crab Stuffed Mushrooms,” he said hastily. “No, wait... You don’t like mushrooms, do you? We’ll have the Crab Melt Canapés, then.”

As soon as the waitress nodded and looked away to take Kath’s order, Phoenix slumped back into his seat and blinked a couple of times.

Yeah, I’m surprised too. How the hell did you remember that I hate mushrooms?

“Hey, Edgeworth, what the hell are ‘Canapés’?” Phoenix whispered as Kath read out her dish of seafood.

Oh. Should have seen that coming...

“They’re small appetisers served with drinks. They often have them at parties…” It then dawned on Miles just what Phoenix had done. “Wait a minute... You were reading from the hors d’oeuvre menu, weren’t you?”

“I was?” Phoenix looked down at the menu in his hand and chuckled. “What do you know, I was as well.”

“Wright, you do know that lengthens our ‘date’ by at least half an hour, right?” Miles hissed.

“There goes my genius plan of deliberately making us suffer as a couple for longer,” Phoenix replied sarcastically. At Miles’ unimpressed look, he raised his hands in defence. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll reorder!”

“Is that all for now?” the waitress asked, spinning back around to face Miles.

“Actually, we’ve changed our minds,” Phoenix replied quickly from behind Miles. “Never mind the crabby starter; we’ll just have a main course.”

The waitress never broke eye contact with Miles throughout Phoenix’s joke, and the prosecutor was starting to get a little uncomfortable, not to mention pretty annoyed.

I already have one person to get rid of by going through all this; I really don’t need another.

Phoenix coughed and turned the page to the main courses. “Right, I think we’ll have the Pan-Fried Scallops with Chillies, Tomatoes and Tequila.”

What hellish kind of dish is that?

Miles was too busy leaning back from the waitress’ stare to argue, though. He turned to Phoenix and gave him a desperate look, nodding over at the waitress.

Phoenix raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘Yeah, and what do you want me to do about it?’.

“Erm, excuse me, Miss… Waitress,” Kath growled, making the other woman jump slightly, “but after you’ve added a bottle of your finest white on the list, I think we’re done ordering.”

“Oh, of course. Your meal will be here shortly.” The waitress smiled sweetly and made a beeline for the kitchen.

Kath tutted under her breath. “I really don’t understand those kinds of women, you know. Getting all infatuated over men when it’s obvious they aren’t interested.”

I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that from you, Everett.

“Wri… Phoenix, what the hell did you go and order that for?” Miles finally asked.

Phoenix blinked. “Huh? Oh, that. I thought the chillies and tequila would manly you up a bit.” He smiled and patted Miles on the shoulder. “Not that you’re not manly enough for me already or anything.” At Miles’ glare, he added, smirking, “Hey, it was either that or the Lobster and Pickles.”

“I merely thought the Honey Encrusted Prawns would be more to your tastes, along with a nice glass of milk,” Miles replied haughtily.

“I don’t get it…” Kath said weakly. “Oh, unless you mean something else when you say ‘pickle’ or ‘milk’…” She blushed crimson. “A… anyway... Now that we’ve ordered, how are you two faring?”

“Fine. Just… fine.” Minus the fact that I have a slight Wright problem. “I heard you managed to convict--”

“Err, Miles,” Phoenix cut in, “I don’t think work is really a subject to be getting onto. Miss Everett invited us out to relax, not to frazzle our brains on criminal affairs.”

“Exactly! And we can’t have a defence attorney listening in on prosecutor business, either… Oh! I almost forgot!”

Kath’s sudden change in conversation made Miles flinch slightly.

“It appears Georgie Spencer is onto you, Miles,” she said slyly, resting her chin in her hands. “She called me at around six. She couldn't believe that you'd left before she finished working, and she asked me if it was possible that you had a date and if I knew anything about it. She sounded pretty jealous.” She giggled.

Miles suddenly felt the colour drain from his face. He glanced at Phoenix, who looked equally pale.

“And what did you say?” Miles asked, turning back to a grinning Kath.

Oh Christ. This doesn't sound good.

“I told her you had to take your dog to the vets.”

“What dog?”

He blinked.

“Oh. You covered for us?”

“Of course I covered for you!” Kath exclaimed, seemingly taking offence at Miles’ disbelief. “Did I not promise to keep your relationship a secret?”

“He can get a little Edgey at times,” Phoenix cut in with a grin. “Believe me, he’s not the trusting type.”

Why does he always have to smile like that?

Can’t he just… look normal for once in his life?

That would stop all this nonsense.

Damn. Blasted spiky-haired idiot with his stupid, optimistic face and his bloody tasteless sarcasm...

Miles knew he was being childish, but he was way past the point of caring. Turning away from Phoenix, who seemed to think it a good idea to retell the tale of how they met again after fifteen long years, he took to staring into space.

I’m an idiot.

But Wright’s a bigger idiot.

If he's not there, then I visualise him.

If he is there, then I can't look at him.

What the hell is this?

“Two Pan-Fried Scallops, a plate of Garlic Shrimp and a bottle of white wine.”

The waitress placed the plates in front of them, uncorked the bottle, and poured a glass for each of them. “I hope you enjoy your meal! If you would like anything else, feel free to ask for me,” she said sweetly, never taking her eyes off Miles.

This is really getting quite irritating. Isn't there anyone else in this whole restaurant she can go and annoy?

Miles sighed and was about to speak up when he suddenly felt something warm on his right hand, which was resting on the table. He glanced down. There, right in front of the waitress’ eyes, Phoenix had grabbed Miles’ hand and was caressing it lightly.

Skin prickling and burning with the oddest sensations, any words Miles had been trying to form instantly died on his lips. He stared down blankly at his hand, completely at a loss with the situation, until a sharp pain shot through one of his fingers.

Ouch! The damned paper cut!

Miles winced as Phoenix stroked the same spot again.

Oblivious to Miles’ physical pain, he leaned over and whispered into his ear, “Don’t freak. I’m just helping… and following the conditions.”

Wright and his bloody help… Look where it’s landed me.

“We’ll be sure to ask if we need anything,” Phoenix said all too innocently, making sure the waitress could see the joined hands clearly. “Thank you very much.”

The waitress turned to look at him and her cheeks flushed a bright red. “N… no problem.” She pushed her glasses up and leaned forward to give him a proper look. “You’re a man?”

It was more of a question than a statement.

“Yes, I am very much a man,” Phoenix replied.

“And he’s a man too?”

“Yes, he’s a man too.”

Congratulations, Miles thought sarcastically, still trying to ignore the stinging in his finger and the prickling of his skin.

“…Right.”

“Yes, my name is Wright.”

The waitress blinked a few times and wandered off in a daze, muttering to herself. “Why did I choose to work in a restaurant full of couples? Why?”

Phoenix quickly dropped his hold on Miles’ hand.

Finally...

The prickling from being allergic to Wright’s soap might have been bearable, but an open paper cut being rubbed really hurt.

Miles sighed. I’m such a wimp.

Kath beamed over at Phoenix, her expression full of newfound respect.

“That was fantastic! You totally got rid of the pest!” she exclaimed, reaching out to shake hands with him.

It seemed Phoenix’s retelling of their ‘romantically tragic and beautiful career-deciding love’ had given him a huge rise in popularity – though what the attorney had said to make this turnabout, Miles didn’t really want to dwell on – and now, getting rid of a competing female admirer had obviously earned him a spot in her good books.

“What can I say, I didn’t want her getting her hands on my Miles.”

At this, Kath’s face suddenly turned sour, and it was obvious that Phoenix had plummeted back into the bad books.

“I thought your relationship was meant to be a secret?” she said indignantly, crossing her arms.

I wonder if he annoyed her on purpose, or if it was just a hit in my direction that ended up ricocheting towards her?

Whatever it was, I’ve got to admit he has a talent for pissing people off.

His Miles? Pathetic.

And now my bloody pulse is acting up again.

Can he get any more annoying?

Phoenix merely laughed at Kath’s comment. “Yeah, it is, but I really felt like I had to do something. Miles was obviously getting uncomfortable from all her staring. It's only natural that I would help him, right?” He smiled and looked down at his food. “Wow, this looks delicious! You’ve chosen the restaurant well, Miss Everett.”

The mentions of ‘helping’ and ‘chosen well’ seemed to lighten Kath back up significantly.

“Don’t think you can get back on my good side with just that, Mr. Wright,” she said, smiling, before picking up her knife and fork.

Miles shook his head.

Women.

He followed her actions as they all started cutting away at their food. It was well prepared, and the scallops weren’t too dry, but the spicy chillies weren’t so good.

Manly food my ass, he told himself as he picked out the chillies. I don’t need to eat unnaturally hot substances to prove myself, anyway. I wear a cravat, for Christ’s sake.

“Aww, you don’t like the spices, Miles?” Phoenix asked between sips of wine, glancing at Miles’ plate.

“I wasn’t the one who chose such a ridiculous dish,” Miles said defensively.

“I wasn’t the one trusting my judgement,” Phoenix answered back, smirking.

Miles scowled. “I only did that because I hadn’t had a chance to read the menu.”

“You never read the menu?” Kath chipped in, eyes wide. “Oh my God, you totally had me fooled!”

Miles turned to Phoenix, but quickly looked away for fear of snorting out his food in amusement upon seeing his expression. Not that such a thing would ever actually happen to Miles Edgeworth in any way, shape, or form.

“Aww, I really can’t get over how cute you two look together over there,” Kath commented, resting her chin on her hand.

Miles’ hand twitched slightly, but he managed to pass it off as a half-hearted attempt at prodding a chilli. “That’s… nice.”

“Isn’t it?” She sighed. “All night, it’s as though you two have been in your own personal little world and I really don’t fit in there with you.”

“P… personal little world?” Miles said weakly, a strange feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

“Yeah, with all your personal jokes and little brushes and spats…”

She really hasn’t noticed that we’re not a couple…

But I didn’t do anything different!

Hmm... Perhaps the secret really is in the first name usage.

“But going around saying ‘my Edgeworth’, that’s lame. ‘My Edgey-baby’ sounds so much better!”

…Scratch that. Any idiot who spouts such crap just can’t be right.

“It’s so great to see two people so in love--”

“How’s your food, Miss Everett? I’m a big fan of prawns myself,” Phoenix quickly cut in, apparently noticing that Miles was less than comfortable with the route the conversation had taken.

“It’s fantastic!” Kath took her fork to gather two prawns and offered it to Phoenix. “Here, why don’t you have a try?”

Phoenix took the fork from her hand. “Don’t mind if I do.”

Thankfully, his sidetracking method had worked, and Miles felt like he could finally relax again.

Until the look on Kath's face told him otherwise.

“Aww, I think Miles feels left out, what with me taking you all to myself, Mr. Wright.”

Take away as much of him as you like, Everett. The more, the better.

“Aren’t you going to feed your boyfriend some?”

Any semblance of hope Miles might have had left about being able to unwind quickly went up in a puff of smoke.

Boyfriend? Feed? Is she referring to me?

Phoenix snickered. “You want to try some, Miles? It’s delicious.” To emphasize his point, the idiot felt the need to lick his top lip. Slowly. Seductively.

I swear I am going to kill him, Miles inwardly fumed.

At his lack of response, Phoenix urged him some more by waving the prawn in his direction. His evil grin read ‘Go on, I dare you’. Miles just couldn’t turn down that bet.

Fine. I'll play your stupid little game.

Miles reached out a hand to grab the fork, but was surprised when Phoenix drew it back to take the food off the end, before moving his fingers towards Miles’ mouth.

“What are you--”

“Shh, just taste it.”

His heart started hammering in his chest at unbelievable speed as Phoenix gently popped the prawn into his mouth and smiled at him.

Why Wright's hand had to linger, Miles didn't know, but it only wound him up more. And seeing Kath beaming at this little interaction just made it all the worse.

Miles pulled away and quickly swallowed down the food, trying his hardest not to choke.

“E… excuse me, I need to… excuse myself to… the bathroom.”

Before anyone had a chance to argue, he stood up quickly, nearly knocking his glass off the table, and made his getaway to the men’s room across the lobby, ignoring the evil look from the old man at the reception desk.

He pushed open the door and hastily made his way over to the sink. Despite his shaking hands, he managed to turn on the tap. He cupped the cold water in his palms, soaked his face and pulled a hand through his hair. Gripping the sides of the porcelain bowl, he stared at his face in the mirror, forcing himself to calm down.

He was painfully aware that he had just caused a scene. He was also aware that Wright probably had no idea what his pleasantries had been doing to him all night. What he didn't know was why he had reacted like this, why he kept feeling so damned light-headed, why he couldn't understand any of this.

What is he going to think about me now? Surely he’ll realize I’ve got issues here.

He frowned at his reflection.

“I order you to stop acting like a fool!” he shouted, pointing at the mirror.

Miles sighed and lowered his head.

It’s useless. I’m useless…

He looked back up and followed a bead of water as it made its way down his nose, then dripped off.

He sighed again.

This isn't helping.

I can still see him.

I'll never be able to calm down...

He took a deep, shaky breath.

What the fuck is happening to me?

I swear I'm going to go insane...

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the mirror. The cool touch seemed to ease his breathing. He stayed like that for a while, his mind simultaneously stirring with endless questions and drawing a complete blank.

How long had it been since he left the table? He didn’t know. He couldn’t go back now, though. Not after the way he had reacted. Not after getting such conclusive evidence that he simply couldn't deal with the whole situation.

The door to the washroom suddenly creaked open. Miles opened his eyes and saw a certain defence attorney appear in the mirror.

“Ah, so you haven’t drowned yourself in the toilet then, Edgeworth.”

Silence. Miles’ gaze didn’t flicker.

“We were worried about you,” Phoenix added, only to be met by more silence.

Just leave me alone, Wright...

“Okay, so Kath was worried about you slightly more than I was.”

Please...

“Okay, okay, you’ve got me. Kath was worried a hell of a lot and I had to stop her from entering the men’s room, which meant sacrificing my precious time to check on you.”

Miles sighed.

Phoenix finally seemed to notice that the other man wasn’t going to respond anytime soon. He made his way over to lean against the counter next to Miles. “Hey... Are you feeling okay?”

Oh please, Wright. Don’t go getting all concerned.

You need to stay detached.

For my own sanity.

“Tonight was a disaster,” Miles began quietly. “And yet, she still thinks we’re a couple.” He pushed away from the mirror and leaned against the counter. “I’ve been on edge all night. I can’t stand all this couple stuff… It’s so invasive.”

“Funny, I was quite enjoying myself,” Phoenix said, chuckling slightly.

“You would,” Miles commented dryly, before lapsing back into silence, staring off into space.

They stood there for a while in glorious quietness, the only sound coming from the tap that Miles hadn’t closed off correctly in his haste.

-Drip-

Phoenix shuffled a bit. Miles glanced at him and noticed that his cheeks were starting to glow a faint red.

-Drip-

Miles ran a hand through his hair.

-Drip-

It was strangely calming, just leaning there – just being there – with Wright.

-Drip-

“It's friggin’ hot in here,” Phoenix finally interrupted, reaching back to tighten the tap. “Did they set the heater to ‘hellfire’ or something?” He loosened his tie and started fanning himself with his hand.

Miles rolled his eyes. Every bloody time… He just can’t resist ruining the mood, can he?

“Are you sure it’s not just your brain burning up from having to think?”

“Ha ha, real funny, Edgeworth.” Phoenix gave up aimlessly fanning himself and started unbuttoning his jacket. He paused after undoing the first button. “This reminds me of the time in the office when our fan broke down.” He laughed. “Maya really should have known sticking bits of paper into it wasn’t such a good idea.”

I’m sorry… what? Why’s he talking about Maya at a time like this?

“Wright, what kind of rubbish are you spouting?”

“Just trying to lighten the mood,” Phoenix mumbled, taking off his jacket.

“I wouldn’t go talking about potential girlfriends when out on a date with someone else, if I were you,” Miles said, brushing his wet bangs out of his face.

Phoenix shrugged and crossed his arms. “I don’t think it’s right to address her as a ‘potential girlfriend’.”

Miles blinked. Huh? That’s news to me.

“I thought you said you had feelings for her.”

Phoenix shook his head. “I guess the whole incident just threw me a bit. That and Pearls constantly thinking that we're together. I guess it just made me wonder if... well... if I was in denial or something.” He puffed out his cheeks slightly and let out a long breath, apparently still having trouble standing the heat. “I mean, I love her and all, but I don’t think I could ever get into a relationship with her. I tried being rational yesterday and... well... I never felt it. So I guess I was just being an idiot.” He laughed softly.

“You… what? You’ve lost me,” Miles said, confused.

“You know, the chemistry.” At Miles’ blank look, he frowned. “Oh, I guess you don’t, then.”

I’m assuming this has nothing to do with atoms and elements.

Phoenix pondered for a few seconds, his face serene under the dim light. “I guess it’s that little fluttery feeling you get when you’re around them, those little things you notice and stuff.” He nodded as if to agree with himself.

Sorry I asked.

“I think you need to stop talking to Larry so often.”

Phoenix laughed. “You’re too right. What the hell am I saying?”

“Not to mention your dedication in following the conditions,” Miles added, frowning at the mere thought of them.

“Oh, that...” Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry about the whole holding hands thing before, by the way. It seemed like a funny idea at the time.”

He thinks I winced because he touched me.

“I had a paper cut.”

…Why did I feel the need to clear that up? I certainly didn’t have to.

“Oh?” Phoenix said, a confused look on his face. Then a smile. “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I hope you taught that evil paper a lesson.”

Miles smiled back. “Shut up, Wright.”

Phoenix stretched and pulled a hand through his spiky hair. “Well, seeing as though you’re still alive and calm, fancy coming back through to civilisation?”

Miles sighed. “Might as well. These toilets are really pleasing to the eye, though.”

“Evidently. And the aroma is just beautiful,” Phoenix added, scrunching up his nose.

How long have we been in here anyway?

Miles checked his watch and was amazed to see how much time had passed.

“Alright, I’ll come back through.”

“Great! You won’t screw up, though, will you?”

Miles frowned at him. “Screw what up?”

“You know, being all cold and stuff,” Phoenix said, still smiling.

“…I screwed this up?”

“Yeah, you really suck at this whole dating thing, you know.”

Oh, he did not just say that.

“I’m the one who ‘sucks’ at dating, am I?” Miles repeated, raising his voice. “Who’s the one kicking their ‘beloved’ and aiming cheap shots to provoke a reaction?”

“Hey, don’t blame me!” It was Phoenix’s turn to raise his tone. “I’ve been trying my hardest all night to make this stupid relationship believable, only to have you snap at me every time that I, God forbid, say something pleasant.”

“How’s that, Wright?” Miles replied, feeling his eye twitch. “You used me as an excuse to get up that headwaiter's nose!”

“The jerk deserved that,” Phoenix bit back.

Miles scowled. “And obviously you thought that would amuse me to no end?”

“Well, no, but--”

“But you thought it would be funny, right?” Miles shook his head. “You should get over your damned self and try thinking of others sometime.”

Phoenix snorted. “I'm sorry, what? Who's being a stubborn jerk because Mister thinks the conditions are too stupid for him to follow? And may I remind you that the reason we're here right now is because I'm helping you!?”

“I wouldn't call this ‘helping’,” Miles retorted. “Besides, it doesn't count, considering that I wouldn't have needed your stupid help in the first place if you hadn't created this whole mess.”

“Oh, come on...” Phoenix crossed his arms and looked away to the side. He seemed to ponder for a moment, before letting out a sigh and turning back to Miles, a concerned look on his face. “What is it with you today, anyways?” he asked, his voice calmer now. “You look really out of it.”

What an understatement...

“It's all your fault, Wright,” Miles muttered.

“What...? Edgew... ugh...” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Will you stop bringing that up?”

“I'm not.”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “What's this about, then? What do you mean it's my fault?”

Because you won't get the hell out of my head and it's driving me insane.

“Nothing.”

“...That's it? How do you expect me to do something about it if you won't even tell me what's wrong?”

Miles sighed. “You can't. Now let it go.”

“Come on, Edg--”

“I said let it go, Wright,” Miles interrupted, raising his voice slightly again.

Phoenix shook his head. “I'm sorry, but no. I'm worried about you, Edgeworth.”

“Sure you are. That's why you had so much fun making a fool out of me out there with all your stupid sap!”

Phoenix scowled. “Last time I checked, sap wasn’t there to make a fool out of people, but to express mushiness and look like a couple!” He took a deep breath and stroked his chin. “Unless you’re talking about the tree stuff, of course…”

Ugh! I can’t even have a proper argument with this man!

Miles shook his head and stormed out of the men’s room, thoroughly annoyed.

“Edgeworth! Hey, Edgeworth!” Phoenix came jogging after him and reached for his shoulder, missing and grabbing his hand instead. “You can’t just walk away from me when I'm trying to...”

Miles turned sharply and wrenched his hand from Phoenix’s grip.

“I can’t take you seriously, Wright,” he said coldly.

Phoenix frowned. “I thought you were pretty tense back there, so I just thought I should…”

“Well, don’t think, then,” Miles stated, heading back over to their table. “I intended to be tense; it creates an atmosphere.”

“Fine,” Phoenix replied. “Be tense for all I care, but you can’t just walk away from this!”

“Watch me.”

“You’re such a pain in the ass! Get back in there and finish what you started, you jerk!”

Miles froze as the noise in the whole restaurant suddenly dropped. He scanned the room, taking in all the horrified faces, and heard Kath clear her throat. Her face was crimson.

It must have been quite a sight, after all. Miles’ hair was still wet and extremely messed up, and Phoenix had removed his jacket and loosened his tie. And the fact that they were both perspiring was just the icing on the cake.

Phoenix blinked a few times, then suddenly looked shocked as he seemed to slowly but surely figure out the implications of what he had said.

“Well, fuck me.”

Miles facepalmed.

---

Last edited by Shiva on Mon Sep 21, 2009 8:12 am, edited 5 times in total.

Wow its a lot to read. Should make like an animation of it. Perhaps.

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I must have read this 15 times and it still makes me laugh. You guys kill me XD

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Ahhhhh! *squirm squirm* Awkward much? xDDD

Ahahah XD
Yeah that's one of my favorite parts as well :)
That waitress needs new glasses I think. Or a brain that works XD



Yes, we like awkward :)

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>_>;;; This new chapter makes me quite worried that my earlier fears are going to be confirmed with the remainder of the fic >_>;;

It was hilariously awkward though, so lulz :D

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Sorry if it's not what you were expecting ^^;; But I don't know exactly what your worries are, so you never know :P

The whole story is already planned out, so there's not much I can do about it, BUT I can guarantee that the lulz will keep coming. Or that we'll try, at least XD

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-
-


Phoenix bit his lip as he stared at the blank computer screen in front of him. Computers and technology had never been his forte, to say the least, but turning the damned thing on shouldn’t be rocket science.

So why wasn’t the magic silver button working?

He pouted at his reflection in the monitor, before trying the power button again.

It’s mocking me…

Sighing, he bent down and inspected the back of the computer to see if any wires had come loose. Everything seemed to be in the right place.

He sat back up and flicked the glass.

When that surprisingly didn’t work, he then proceeded to press the button repeatedly. It appeared that no matter how hard he pushed its buttons, the stubborn thing just wouldn’t react.

Kinda reminds me of someone I know all too well…

Phoenix grinned.

Hah. I’m comparing Edgeworth to a computer.

He frowned.

I wonder if he’s still mad at me…

Hell, why was he even mad at me in the first place? I didn’t do anything.

“Oh, for… I give up.” Phoenix slumped back into his chair and put his hands behind his head, lifting his feet up to rest on the desk.

I bet Edgeworth never has this problem, since he’s so much more ‘perfect’ than me, and all.

…Perfect? Pssh.

There I am, putting my dignity on the line for him, and he doesn’t even try to make an effort!

“I had a paper cut.”

Paper cut my ass… It was just another one of his brilliant excuses.

And to think I was worried about him, too…

I was just trying to be a good friend, and then he goes and gets mad at me for no reason.

Phoenix nudged the folder holding the documents he was planning to type up with his foot. It closed alright, before starting to teeter on the edge. Phoenix tried to push it back up onto the desk, but wasn’t quick enough, so it fell on the floor, scattering its contents everywhere.

He flinched and peered down at the mess, before shrugging and leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling.

I can’t even tell a joke without him being an ass about it.

It was a good thing that Kath didn’t seem to realize there was something wrong with the two of them, and that she apparently still believed they were a couple. Maybe they wouldn’t even have to keep this going after the one disastrous date? Hopefully, all Phoenix would have to do from now on was keep a low profile and force a smile at Edgeworth if he ever had the misfortune of being near both prosecutors again.

But he’s still pissed at me even though it looks like all this is finished…

“It's all your fault, Wright.”

If he wasn’t referring to me starting this whole mess, then what was he referring to?

That was one thing that was really starting to annoy him. He knew that the whole fake relationship was kind of his fault, there was no denying it, but now, Edgeworth was apparently blaming him for something else. Phoenix already felt bad enough about the whole thing – he wasn’t sure he could stand wondering if he’d done something else to hurt the other man without knowing.

He was probably talking about the dish I ordered that he couldn’t stomach and was too proud to admit it. No wonder he spent all that time in the bathroom.

Phoenix snorted.

That’s right, Edgeworth. You go blaming me for anything that goes wrong and everything will work out fine for you.

If only he’d explained himself instead of being a stubborn jerk, then I wouldn’t have ended up humiliating myself in front of the whole restaurant.

His eye twitched at the memory of all the horrified faces.

I swear I have to do something about that ‘talking-when-not-appropriate’ syndrome I have…

But seeing Edgeworth’s face…

Phoenix chuckled.

…Totally priceless! That was worth my embarrassment any day.

-Thump-

Phoenix’s laughter was cut short as pain shot through the back of his head.

“Nick! Pay attention!”

Phoenix blinked, holding his head, before swinging around in his chair.

Maya stood there, glaring at him, her cheeks puffed out.

For a second there, I thought all this thinking was starting to hurt my brain…

“Maya? When did you…?” He trailed off. If Maya’s expression was anything to go by, he must have been deeper in thought than he realized. “How long was I out?” he asked tentatively.

“Five minutes. Five minutes I’ve been standing here talking to you and you just totally ignored me!” Maya stomped her foot and crossed her arms. “What do you have to say in your defence?”

Phoenix bit his lip. “Five minutes?”

God, five minutes of thinking about Edgeworth…? What’s wrong with me?

Smiling sheepishly, Phoenix blurted out the first excuse that popped into his mind.

“Sorry, Maya, just thinking about a client and their case. You know, off in attorney land.” He waved his free hand to stress his point.

My convincing bluffing skills blow even my own mind.

“You’re being all weird lately,” Maya said, a sceptical tone to her voice. “You still haven’t explained last Friday.”

“I have told you,” Phoenix replied. “I was off to see a client in another part of the city and forgot to charge my cell.”

“Whatever, Nick. You were away all through the weekend. Yesterday night, too. Since when have you ever been social?”

She’s saying it like I’m some kind of social reject…

“Err… well… my client had a few other friends that needed my services…”

Okay, that didn’t sound as lame or as full of innuendo in my head.

Maya glared even harder than before. “I know you’re hiding something,” she said ominously, before her face suddenly lit up again. “But hey, if you don’t want to tell me, that’s cool. It’s not like I’m your best and most faithful assistant or anything…”

Phoenix sighed and dropped the hand that was still holding his head. “You’re my only assistant, Maya.”

She shook her head in defeat, muttering something about stupid defence attorneys and their contradictions.

“Hey, did you have a fight with your documents or something?” Maya asked, hinting at the mess on the floor. “I know you hate filing, Nick, but there’s no need to take it out on the poor paper.”

Phoenix looked down blankly at the scattered documents and sighed again. He slid off his chair and started collecting them. “Never mind all this. What was it you were trying to tell me?”

Maya leaned against the desk, obviously not even considering lending him a hand. “Oh, that. I was just saying that Pearly’s going to be visiting for two weeks. She called me last night. She sounded really excited.”

You spent five minutes talking about that?

…Well, to be fair, I was thinking about that bastard for a whole five minutes.

Phoenix paused from picking up the papers and frowned.

Why the hell is he so mad at me?

It’s not my fault he’s too weak to handle a little spicy food. He should have told me before I ordered instead of yelling at me.

…He did seem out of it all night, though… I mean, him getting bored at work? When did that happen? I hope he’s alright…

Ugh! What am I getting all concerned for? What happened last night was all his fault! I can’t believe that after all I’ve done to help him, he gets all wound up for no reason and does nothing but be cold to me all night and…

I’m sure I’ve been over this already.

“…Hey, you still here?”

Phoenix shook his head and blinked at the hand being waved in front of his face. Maya was crouching next to him, all the paper collected up in her other hand.

Whoa, twice in half an hour? I’m going to get serious brain damage.

Maya rolled her eyes and stood up, holding out a hand to pull Phoenix up with her. She thrust the paper into his chest. “You know what? I’m not even going to bother asking for your lame excuses.”

Phoenix opened his mouth to retaliate but quickly closed it again. What was the point in arguing with the truth?

-Bang bang bang bang-

A sudden frantic knocking from the main door made both of them jump and stand there in shock for a few seconds, until Maya had the sense to go through to the front of the office and answer it.

After a shocked squeak from Maya, a mass of orange flew into the office and nearly knocked Phoenix from his standing position.

“Oh my God, Nick, you’re alive! Thank Christ!”

Phoenix grabbed the hands that were shaking him violently and desperately tried to still the man in front of him.

“…Larry? What are you--”

“First, I went to your apartment and you weren’t there, then I rang your cellphone but it kept on redirecting me to the voicemail, so I decided to try your office, but your phone must be broken or something, man!” Larry brought his fists up as his eyes began to tear up. “I thought you’d died of boredom from having to spend a whole night with Edg--”

“Maya!” Phoenix nearly shouted across the room, noticing that his assistant was now standing in the doorway of his office.

“Maya? As in the cute assistant chick?” Larry’s face perked up. “Where? Where’s my beautiful flower?”

Phoenix dropped the pile of documents on the desk. He pushed past Larry and gently shoved Maya out the door. “Could you excuse us for a couple of minutes?”

Ignoring her signs of protest, Phoenix smiled and waved as he shut the door in her face.

Phew, that was a close one…

Phoenix turned back around to look at Larry and sighed.

Oh great, now I’m left on my own with the genius who thought visiting my apartment on a weekday would be the best way to get a hold of me.

“Why couldn’t you just call me?” Phoenix asked, leaning against the door.

“Dude, I told you! Your office phone isn’t working!”

Phoenix rubbed his temples. Please stop yelling. I’ve lost enough brain cells today already.

“Larry, my phone is working just fine. Now, why the hell are you here? Shouldn’t you be working?”

A.k.a. ogling women in the salon.

Larry grinned. Phoenix felt the colour drain from his face.

“Oh, no reason,” Larry said silkily, inspecting his nails. “I just thought I should check up on how it went with your boyfriend last night.”

“Shhh!” Phoenix put a finger over his lips and walked up to Larry. “Don’t go around screaming it!” He took a glance at the door. “…And we aren’t even seeing each other, Larry,” he added as an afterthought.

“Aww, don’t be ashamed of your dearest partner, Nicky boy! I’m sure Edgey wouldn’t want you to be so cold.”

Do you even understand what the word ‘secret’ means? Or are you actually trying to be a pain in the ass?

“Uh-huh. Try telling him that,” Phoenix grumbled, going over to sit in his chair as Larry leaned against the desk.

“Oh, no. Don’t tell me he was himself last night?”

Phoenix nodded, deciding it was pointless to even bother trying to quiet the man down. “Even more than usual.”

“He turned up, though, right?” Larry asked, eyes wide.

Phoenix thought back to the weird incident early last evening when the prosecutor had made his appearance at his apartment, asking him if he needed a lift.

No, more like he ordered me to get in the car.

I don’t think he’s ever been that helpful, or in as much of a rush.

He’s so… weird.

“Yeah, he did. He turned up.” Phoenix sighed.

Larry gave him a scathing look. “Out with it. What did you do to wreck it all?”

“Well, what happened is…” Phoenix paused. “Wait a second. Why did you just presume it was me who’d screwed it over?”

Larry rubbed his chin, looking like he was actually thinking about it, but Phoenix knew better.

It’s only possible to think if you have something to think with, after all.

Larry laughed and scratched the back of his neck. “Y’know what? I don’t really know. I suppose you just seem like the type to mess everything up.”

Great. Just great. Is that everyone’s opinion of me?

“Well, for your information, it was actually Edgeworth who messed everything up,” Phoenix said haughtily. “There I was, being all nice to him, but it was like he didn’t even want to look at me or talk to me all night. Let alone act friendly.”

Larry crossed his arms. “So what does the chick think about it all?”

“You mean Kath? I think she still thinks we’re dating. I haven’t a clue why.”

Unless you count what happened right at the end…

Like I’d tell Larry about that.

“Then you’ve got nothing to be annoyed about, do you?” Larry asked, raising an eyebrow.

“…I suppose not.”

I did kind of want Edgeworth to be warm to me for once. Since he came back, two months ago, we’d finally started to rekindle our friendship, but last night was a massive step back…

“And I bet it was funny like hell to see Edgey’s face all night,” Larry added, grinning again.

Phoenix laughed at his expression. At least, I know one person who’ll never grow up.

“Now, how about you tell me all the little details?” Larry leaned forward and cupped his ear with his hand.

Phoenix frowned. “How about I tell you nothing because it’s my private business?”

Larry flew back in shock and put a hand on his heart. “Nick! You can’t do this to me, dude! You know that I live for romance and seeing Edgey squirm!”

All the more reason not to tell you, Larry.

“Nice try, but you’re not getting anything out of me.”

Larry pouted. “Fine. I’ll call Edgey. He’ll tell me.”

Oh yes, I’m sure he will. He’s obviously the gossipy type, after all. And he’d never be bothered about his image being totally ruined.

Larry fished out his phone from his pocket, before frowning at the blank screen. “Damn. I’m out of charge. Hey, Nick, phone Edgey, will ya?”

Phoenix gave him a blank look. “Why the hell would I want to phone Edgeworth?”

“To ask him how he is and if he enjoyed last night, of course!” Larry winked. “Be a good boyfriend to him!”

“Somehow, I doubt that’s your real motive.” Phoenix shook his head. “Anyway, wasn’t it you who said my office phone was broken?”

Be a good partner to that cold, non-trying jerk…?

Phoenix blinked. “Wait…” He slammed his hand down on the desk. “I’m not even his friggin’ boyfriend!”

-Click-

The office door slowly creaked open. Both men turned around and witnessed Maya creeping in, trying to look inconspicuous by flattening herself against the wall.

She looked at the two of them and blinked. Larry beamed at her.

“Maya! How are you this fine day?”

She quickly pushed herself from off the wall and put her hands behind her back.

“Err… I’m great, thanks, Larry. I was just wondering if you wanted anything to drink… and, erm… I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop or anything…”

Of course not.

“How cute! Thanks for the offer, Maya, but Nick and me have some important things to discuss.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. I wouldn’t call arguing about whether to call Edgeworth important.

Maya dejectedly turned to leave, before Larry addressed her again.

“Actually, Maya, you could do something for us. Nick really needs to call someone, but his phone isn’t working. Got any ideas?”

Phoenix sent piercing glares behind Larry’s back and wondered why the idiot didn’t have anything better to do than laugh at his misfortune.

“What…?” Maya frowned. “But it was working just fine earlier this morning. Nick got a call from this client and… oh…” She walked up to the desk and leaned over the phone. She was silent for a few seconds, before snapping her head back up, a grin on her face. “Nick, you idiot! You left it off the hook!”

Phoenix blinked. “I… what?”

Maya rolled her eyes. “You’re so useless, Nick! Didn’t you hear it beep?”

“Err… I, uh…” Phoenix looked down at the phone.

-…Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep…-

She’s right… How the hell did I not notice sooner?

“And you still insist that there’s nothing weird going on?” Maya snorted. “Yeah, right.”

Phoenix picked up the receiver and hung it up properly, before looking back up at his assistant.

“This has nothing to do with it, Maya. I was too busy to notice, is all.”

Maya crossed her arms. “Too busy? What have you been doing all morning, anyway? I thought you said you were gonna get all this paperwork typed up.” She glanced down at the pile of documents on the desk. “But I suppose playing pick-up with it seemed more interesting.” She sent Phoenix a glare. “I already told you I’m not doing it for you again, Nick!”

Phoenix sighed. “No, Maya, that’s not it. I was planning to do it, but the stupid computer won’t turn on.”

Maya raised an eyebrow. “It won’t?” She walked around the desk and bent down to press the power button. She frowned when nothing happened. “Are you sure you didn’t forget to turn the mains back on again?”

“Hey! Of course I didn’t forget to turn the mains on. I’m not that stupid! And what do you mean ‘again’?”

Why does everyone always pick on me?

Larry ignored all of Phoenix’s protests and went over to the wall socket. “Maya, my sweet, you’re a genius!” He flicked the switch to the mains and Phoenix cursed under his breath.

Maya grinned. “Does that mean I can stay and listen?” she asked hopefully.

“No,” Phoenix replied quickly.

“But, Nick!”

“Maya, it’s nothing big, and it doesn’t concern you. I’ll be able to deal with it quicker this way.”

Maya muttered under her breath and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Larry opened his mouth to speak again, but Phoenix signalled for him to shut up. He got up from his chair and walked over to the door, before pulling it open sharply.

“Waaah!” Maya screamed as she lost her balance and fell forward into the office.

Phoenix sighed and shook his head. He took out his wallet and handed her some notes. “Here. Go get us something to eat. I’m sorry that you might feel a bit left out, but I swear it’s nothing you’d find interesting.”

Maya grabbed the money and pouted at Phoenix. “Don’t think this sympathy meal is gonna stop me from finding out what’s going on, Nick,” she said, before disappearing behind the door again.

Oh well. There’s nothing even going on. She’ll be fine.

“…Before you ask again, Larry, I am not calling Edgeworth.” Phoenix walked back to his chair and sat down. “I don’t even see why I should. You just want to get the details out of him, which you know perfectly well isn’t going to happen.”

“Well, I don’t see why not,” Larry whined, crossing his arms.

Phoenix sighed. “He won’t want to talk to me after last night,” he mumbled.

“I knew it! I knew something had happened from the way you were acting all secretive-like!” Larry exclaimed, happily bouncing on the spot.

Ouch, my eardrums.

He suddenly stopped jumping for joy and pulled a thoughtful face. “But hey, isn’t that even more of a reason to call him?”

Phoenix scowled. “What? To make up with that jerk?”

Actually, yes. It is a reason to call him…

Damn you, Larry. Like I’d let you win with that.

“He might be a jerk, but he’s your jerk, Nick. You need to look after him!”

“Shut it, Larry,” Phoenix scolded. “I seriously doubt calling him now would do him any good. More like give him even more of a reason to be a gloomy son of a…” Phoenix trailed off.

I really am badmouthing him today, huh?

“But, dude, think of the laughs we’ll have at his expense if we call him now!” Larry shouted.

Phoenix smirked. He reached over and picked up the receiver.

Fine. You win.

He dialled the number to Edgeworth’s office and drummed his fingers against the desk as the ringing went on for over a minute.

“Miles Edgeworth.”

“Hey, Edgeworth, it’s Wri--”

“I’m busy, Wright,” came the curt response. “If you’ve got nothing better to do, then I recommend you go and make a fool out of someone else instead of bothering me. Good day.”

Phoenix flinched. Ouch. That stung.

“Wait!” he replied quickly. “Stop it with the accusations! Just to set the record straight, here, I wasn’t the one who wanted to call you. I do have other things I could be doing right now, and I’ve never once aimed to make a fool out of you.”

Phoenix frowned as the silence on the other end grew. He glanced at Larry, who raised an eyebrow at him.

A door slammed on the other end of the line. Phoenix guessed that Edgeworth had simply put speakerphone on instead of holding the receiver.

“…If you weren’t the one who wanted to call me, then who was it? The voice in your head that tells you to do bad things?”

He sounds so mad…

“Ah, well, no… It wasn’t--”

Larry slamming the speakerphone button down interrupted Phoenix.

“Hey, Edgey! How’s things?”

Phoenix heard a groan on the other end and could visualize Edgeworth holding his head in his hands.

“Just what I needed…”

“What’s that supposed to mea--”

“Larry has been bugging me about the details of last night,” Phoenix cut in. “I told him to mind his own business, but he wouldn’t listen. And, uh… I kind of figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me, but… I have, now, so…”

Edgeworth had categorically refused to speak to him or even look at him since that humiliating incident. After standing under all the stares in awkward silence for what were probably the longest seconds Phoenix had ever lived, Edgeworth had practically stormed out of the restaurant, not even taking a glance back. And he probably would have left Phoenix behind if it hadn’t meant messing the whole thing up. But after the long, silent, uncomfortable car ride back, Phoenix had almost wished he did.

“So, Edgey, what happened last night that’s got you and Nick so bitchy?” Larry asked, leaning on the desk.

“Bitchy? I’m not a woman, Larry. Wright did righ--well to tell you to mind your own business.”

Well, no surprises there. He’s just being the same as always. God, fate and the whole world are all against him, obviously.

“But, Edgey!” Larry whined. “After all I’ve done for you, you won’t even tell me one little thing!?”

“I still haven’t forgotten that it’s thanks to you that my conditions were changed for the worse,” Edgeworth replied coldly. “Also, if you couldn’t get anything out of Wright, what made you think I’d tell you anything?”

“Told you,” Phoenix muttered to Larry, not bothered about how childish he sounded.

Larry either didn’t hear Phoenix or simply decided to ignore him. “But, Edgey, dude, meaningless phone calls are one of the best parts of a relationship!”

Phoenix had to smother his laughter with his hand as he imagined Edgeworth’s expression after that comment.

“…I swear to God…”

“Yeah, yeah, we both know you’re secretly dying to tell me all about what happened last night,” Larry replied brightly, obviously gaining confidence in the fact that the prosecutor couldn’t see him, and therefore wouldn’t be able to kill him just yet.

Be careful, Larry. He knows where you live.

“I don’t have anything to tell you, Lar--”

“Miles! I thought you’d be here. How are you doing today? Have you recovered from last night’s brilliance yet?”

Phoenix’s eyes widened. I could recognize that woman’s voice anywhere…

“…Everett?” Edgeworth sounded just as surprised as Phoenix felt. “When did you…? Why didn’t you knock!?”

“Kath. It’s ‘Kath’, Miles.”

“Evere… Kath, I’m quite busy right now…”

“Nonsense! I’m sure you could spare me a couple of minutes to talk about how well you and Mr. Wright were getting along last night!”

“Aha! I knew it! I knew from the start you two had been getting along well!” Larry chimed in.

A liar is ten times worse than a thief. Didn’t your parents ever tell you that?

“Huh? You’re on the phone?” There was a pause where Phoenix could picture Kath covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Miles. You should have told me!”

“Go on, then, Edgey. Introduce us to this cute chick, will ya?”

You can’t even see her, Larry…

A sigh was heard over the line. “I knew I should have hung up as soon as I heard your voice,” Edgeworth replied in a monotone.

“Now, Miles,” Phoenix smirked as soon as the word left his mouth, “I’m sure Larry’s interest in Miss Everett is harmless. You know he wouldn’t dream of stealing your girl.” He glanced over at Larry, who burst out laughing.

Oh, I crack myself up.

Phoenix imagined Edgeworth’s eye twitch, as it did whenever he said something stupid, and had to stop himself from laughing as well.

“Wri… Phoe…” Miles sighed in exasperation. “Phoenix. Don’t make such ridiculous jokes.”

Which one are you referring to, Edgeworth? You being interested in women, or Larry being harmless?

“Mr. Wright? Is that you?” Kath giggled down the line and Larry swooned at the high-pitched noise. “Oh, do stop. We all know he wouldn’t ditch you for anyone.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Phoenix replied. “But I would never let my Miles ditch me for anyone, anyways. You just watch him try.”

…Should I be worried that possessive boyfriend is such a fun and easy role for me to fall into?

“Nice! Does that mean this beautiful woman is single, then?” Larry asked, grinning.

Phoenix rolled his eyes.

“Larry, this is Kath Everett, the woman we went out with last night.” Larry’s jaw dropped in realization. Obviously, he wasn’t clever enough to figure that out from the way she had thought of Phoenix and Miles as a couple. “Kath, that loud-mouthed flirt is Larry Butz, the only other person who knows about Phoenix and I.”

“Aww, Edgey, you flatter me,” Larry cooed. “But, Kath, my darling, may I compliment you on your exquisite sapphire eyes?”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow, an amused smile tugging at his lips.

I’m pretty sure her eyes are green, not blue. Are you seriously trying to hit on someone you’ve never even seen before, over the phone, no less?

Kath giggled again. “That’s very sweet of you, Mr. Butz.”

…The fact that she didn’t even correct him scares me.

“So, Kathy… You don’t mind if I call you Kathy, right?”

“Not at all, Mr. Butz.”

“Kathy, is it just me, or are Nick and Edgey the cutest couple ever?” Larry looked over at Phoenix and winked. Phoenix ran out of forehead to raise his eyebrow any further and instead pulled a face that read ‘What the hell are you doing?’.

“Larry, what do you think you’re doing?” Miles asked.

Whoa, either he read my mind, or I should start looking for hidden cameras.

“Oh, nothing, Edgey. Just wondering if Kathy feels the same way I do about the two of you.”

“Oh, I totally agree!” Kath responded. “Why, just last night, I witnessed that special bond the two of them have.”

Two romance-obsessed nutcases chatting away to each other?

Phoenix swallowed to keep his mouth from going dry.

This can’t be good.

“What was it that they did this time?” Larry asked, smirking at Phoenix.

This time!?

“This time?” Miles’ voice sounded threatening.

Okay, this is getting scary…

Kath sighed loudly. “It was so cute! Mr. Wright got all protective over Miles and managed to get rid of a pesky waitress who kept bothering him.”

“Cute! But not as cute as you and me, baby!”

Phoenix rolled his eyes again.

“Oh, and they really couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” Kath continued. “I told Mr. Wright to behave, but he kept… you know… under the table.”

What!?

“Whoa, Nick, I never knew Edgey made you so horny!” Larry exclaimed, grinning.

“Shut it, Larry.”

“He really was! And in a restaurant, no less!”

Larry nodded along, even though Kath couldn’t possibly see him. “Tell me about it. They’re horny over each other, like, all the time!”

Phoenix heard a desk being hit on the other end of the line. “Larry, that is completely…” Miles trailed off. “Everett… What are you…?”

“Oh! Ah, I didn’t… I mean… Sorry, just… checking…” Kath stuttered. Although Phoenix couldn’t see her, he was pretty sure she was blushing. He swore he could almost feel it radiating down the line.

I’m willing to bet you weren’t checking if Edgeworth remembered to iron a crease in his pants today.

Phoenix tried to will himself to laugh, but found he was feeling very self-conscious at this point in time.

“Say, Larry, have they ever slipped away to go to the bathroom together, only to come out… you know… looking slightly worse for wear?”

Larry burst out laughing and Phoenix hid his face in his hands.

“Err… Miss Everett… It wasn’t like tha--”

“Oh my God, they didn’t! Tell me they didn’t!” Larry managed to say through his laughter.

You could at least sound a little more disbelieving…

“Dude, I have to see this!” Larry wiped away a happy tear from the corner of his eye. “Kathy, babes, how do you fancy meeting up on Saturday for a date?”

Phoenix gave him a look of pure disbelief.

“Well, I don’t know, Larry… We’ve only just met…”

“It’d be a double date, right, guys?” Larry looked at Phoenix hopefully.

Phoenix shook his head vigorously.

“I’m busy,” came Miles’ inevitable response.

“We totally should go on a double date! It’d be so fun!” Kath squealed, ignoring Miles’ comment.

Well, that was a quick change of tune…

“Everett--”

“Kath.”

“Kath, I’m busy on Saturday. Wri--Phoenix and I can’t make it.”

“Aww, but Miles!”

“Hey, Nick. Get your boyfriend to agree, dude,” Larry cut in, pointing at the phone.

Phoenix turned the speakerphone off and covered the receiver with his hand. “What? Boyfriend? No way, Larry! How many times do I need to remind you that we’re not really dating?! And we’re definitely not going on a double date just so you can make fun of us, you hear me? What makes you think I can go, anyway?”

Larry raised an eyebrow, his face still sporting that serious look that was simply wrong. “You’re never busy, Nick! But if you don’t wanna come, fine. You never know what kind of gossip might start floating around, though.” He smirked.

When did you get so damned manipulative?

Phoenix sighed. “Fine,” he muttered, before taking his hand off the receiver and turning the speakerphone back on.

“I think we should go. It could be fun,” he stated. He looked at Larry, who motioned for him to carry on. “Erm… We could do with more time together.” Larry nodded for him to continue again. “I’d really appreciate it if you would do this for me, Miles.”

“…I’m busy on Saturday,” Miles replied. Phoenix noted the slight hesitation.

“I know what a busy person you are, Miles, but please, just this once? For me?”

Oh yeah, I’m good! He is so going to have to accept after that if he wants this relationship to look real!

Miles sighed, then seemed to ponder for a moment.

“Phoenix… I…” He sighed again. “Fine.”

“Great! So that’s sorted, then,” Kath exclaimed. “Damn, it’s already twelve? I really shouldn’t have stayed chatting for so long. I must be off! When you fix the arrangements, Larry, call me. The number’s 555-1312.”

“555-3421, got it. See you, then, babes!”

I really do worry sometimes…

Phoenix shook his head as he heard the door open and close on the other end. He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down the actual number to hand it to Larry.

“Wright, I hate you,” Edgeworth said dryly.

“Aww, don’t say that, Edgey,” Larry replied, pocketing the piece of paper. “This is going to be too funny.”

“Edgeworth, if I’m going down, you’re going down with me,” Phoenix grumbled.

“What happened to the friendliness?” Larry whined. “This room feels like it’s just dropped a couple of degrees, dudes!”

“You expect me to act friendly to that idiot!?”

“How can you expect me to be warm to a block of ice!?”

Larry waved his hands defensively and backed away from Phoenix. “Come on, it was sweet the way you called each other by your first names. Why not go back to that, hmm?”

“Sweet? Do you even understand what that word means?”

“Larry, you’re dead. You hear me? Dead.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chill, dudes! Don’t take out all your sexual frustration on me!” Larry replied. “Now, I reckon we need to meet up to sort out what’s happening on Saturday, yeah? How about tonight at that café we went to last time? We could meet there at around eight.”

“If you think I’m going, then you’re sorely mista--”

Phoenix hung up on Edgeworth’s protests and turned to Larry.

“Did you seriously think he’d say yes?”

Larry shrugged. “It was worth a try.”

-Bring bring, bring bring-

Phoenix looked down at the phone and let it ring a few times, debating on whether to pick it up or not. He eventually decided against it, and instead, waited until it stopped ringing to nudge the receiver off the hook.

You’re going to the café, Edgeworth. I am not going to be left alone with this idiot.


“Doesn’t look like he’s coming, Nick.”

Phoenix checked his watch again for the fifth time that minute where it read 8:25. “No, I’m sure he’ll turn up, eventually.”

Not that I want to see the bastard or anything.

Larry stretched back in his seat and placed his hands behind his head. “Ah, well, at least, I could give you my talk on what to do next Saturday.”

Phoenix took a sip from his coffee. “About that, you still haven’t told me where you’re planning on taking us all.”

“That, my friend, is a secret,” Larry replied, tapping his nose, before replacing his hand behind his head.

“Exhibit A of why I am not going to join you.”

Phoenix turned around to where the voice had come from and saw Edgeworth standing next to their table, arms crossed.

“Long time no see, Edgey!” Larry exclaimed, getting up from his seat to punch him lightly on the shoulder.

“Not long enough, obviously,” Edgeworth replied, rubbing his arm.

Larry grinned. “Dude, I didn’t think you’d turn up.”

“I had no other way of informing you that I won’t be able to go on Saturday, and I hate to stand people up,” Edgeworth stated, not even making a move to sit down.

“So, why the lateness, Edgeworth? Can’t be bothered with trying to get here on time?” Phoenix took another gulp of his drink and found it strange when Edgeworth looked away to stare off into space.

“…I wish you wouldn’t speculate that the amount of effort I put in is minimal, Wright. It’s got nothing to do with how much I try in this situation. I just needed to… gather my thoughts.”

…What? Phoenix blinked. Situation? Effort? Gathering thoughts?

Okay, he’s lost me.

“Whatever,” Phoenix replied after a moment. “It’d be better if you could at least go along with people when they’re helping you, though. I’m putting my neck on the line as well. It’s not just you.”

Edgeworth checked his watch, before looking back up at Phoenix. “Look, Wright, I’m not here to have a discussion about what you’re doing or not doing for me. I simply came to tell you that I’m not going to waste any more time with this situation. Saturday can go to hell, as far as I care. I do not want a repeat of last night.”

Well, there’s appreciation for you.

“But, Edgey!” Larry whined. “What about the conditions? What about finally uncovering your romantic side in all its glory? What about my date with my dearest Kathy?!” His eyes started to tear up. “You’ve got to go, dude! She’ll be so convinced that you’re taken and she’ll totally fall for me instead! Plus I get a bunch of laughs watching you two act gay all night. Think of the chick and the laughs, man!”

Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. “Well, if that’s all, then I’ll be taking my leave. It’s already late, and I have court tomorrow.” He nodded at the two of them and set off towards the door.

Larry glared down at Phoenix. “Nick, I don’t care what you did last night, or what he did last night, or what either of you are going to do in the future.” He pointed in Edgeworth’s direction. “Fucking go apologize to him right now, or I’ll be without my dearest Kathy!”

Phoenix slammed his hand down on the table. “Go to hell! Why me? He’s the one who--”

“Argh! Stop complaining! All you have to do is get him to go on Saturday. Simple as that, okay? I’m through with you two and your bitchiness.” Larry turned on his heel and walked off.

Edgeworth had apparently stopped in his tracks when the other two had started yelling. Larry pushed past him and stormed out of the café.

Phoenix stared at the door for a moment, mulling over what Larry had just said. He blinked a few times and met Edgeworth’s eyes, before promptly turning away.

After another minute of uncomfortable silence, Edgeworth walked back over to the table and spoke up. “Wright, as much as I hate to admit it, Larry has a point.”

Phoenix looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “What? That we’re getting in the way of him and his latest victim?”

Edgeworth gave him a cold stare. “You know what I meant.”

Still not in the mood for jokes, I see.

Phoenix sighed.

And here was I thinking we were finally getting somewhere after Sunday.

“Yes, I suppose we do need to get over it,” Phoenix admitted. “But, Edgeworth, how do you expect me to apologize when I don’t even know what I’m apologizing about?”

Edgeworth crossed his arms. “Oh, so the fact that you told me to ‘fuck you’ in the middle of a restaurant doesn’t count, then?”

Phoenix smiled sheepishly.

Damn. He’s such a smug jerk.

“That wouldn’t have happened if you’d just told me what I’d done in the first place.”

Edgeworth sighed. “I wouldn’t have had to try and explain what was wrong if you hadn’t started acting all worried for nothing.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have worried about you if you hadn’t gone and disappeared into the bathroom for half an hour,” Phoenix replied.

Edgeworth sighed again. “I wouldn’t have disappeared into the bathroom if you hadn’t been so… clingy.”

“I wouldn’t have been so… Wait, what?” Phoenix blinked. “What do you mean ‘clingy’? All I did all night was try to make this relationship look real while you did nothing but sit there and snap at me. If someone’s to blame, it’s you, not me.”

Edgeworth opened his mouth to retort, but closed it again when nothing came out. He seemed to ponder for a moment.

“Actually, Wright, you’re righ--correct. I’m sorry.”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow. “So you’re sorry that you were being a bastard all night?”

“Yes,” Edgeworth replied seriously.

“Oh…” Phoenix was surprised, to say the least. “Well… Thanks, I guess.”

There was silence as Phoenix finished off the rest of his coffee.

Well, that’s shitty. Now I feel stupid for not apologizing, even though I did nothing wrong…

“I’m sorry, too.”

Edgeworth looked at him from the corner of his eye and a faint smile appeared on his lips. Phoenix smiled back.

I have no idea what I just apologized for, but… Oh well… What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

“Good. So you should be, Wright.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. He got up, took his jacket from the back of the chair, and walked over to the register.

“That’ll be $5.75, sir.”

Phoenix took out his wallet and started counting the correct money to hand over to the waitress.

“So you’re paying, today, sir?”

Phoenix looked up and raised an eyebrow. “…Huh? Aren’t people supposed to pay for things they buy?”

Don’t tell me I’ve been living a lie all this time…

“Well, yes, but I assumed your boyfriend would be paying for you again.”

…Say what, now?

Phoenix froze with the money held out in his hand.

Did she just say what I think she just said?

Handing over the money, he decided to make sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him. “Sorry, is it my imagination, or did you just refer to that guy over there as my boyfriend?”

“You mean to say he isn’t?” The waitress looked slightly taken aback. “Oh my, I’m sorry. It’s just… I saw you the other day and I thought…”

“Oh.” Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. “So you saw that on Sunday, then, huh?”

Well, that’s a relief.

I thought she’d paired the two of us together just now, like we’d sent out some kind of gay vibe, or something.

Phoenix chuckled nervously. “Yeah, well, it’s a long story…”

The waitress gave him a sceptical look. “I see…” She smiled. “Well, thank you, sir! Good night!”

Phoenix nodded and set off for the door, motioning for Edgeworth to follow him. They left the café and walked side by side in silence for a moment.

“What was that all about, Wright?” Miles finally asked.

“Ah, nothing. The waitress was just commenting on what a fine couple we make.” Phoenix laughed and stuck his hands in his pockets. “She looked pretty shocked when she realized we weren’t really going out.”

He turned to look at Edgeworth, expecting him to make a face or roll his eyes, but had to do a double take when he realized that no one was there. He looked behind him and saw that Edgeworth had stopped walking, a shocked expression on his face.

“Erm… Edgeworth?” When there was no response, Phoenix frowned and walked up to him. “Hey, what happened?”

Miles shook his head slightly. “It’s nothing, Wright. I just remembered something about tomorrow’s case.”

Heh. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve just used the same lame excuse I used on Maya this morning.

Phoenix smiled and started to set off again, before noticing something out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh my God, Edgeworth, look! It’s a Pac-Man arcade game!” He rushed over to the arcade and peeked through the window.

Christ, I haven’t seen one of those in ages…

He turned back around to see Miles giving him a sceptical look.

“How… interesting,” he said flatly.

Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Edgeworth, this is so nostalgic. You could at least sound a little more excited.”

Miles shrugged. “At least, I don’t sound like a fifty-year-old man.”

Look who’s talking.

“Don’t say you can’t remember that time when we were kids?”

Miles crossed his arms. “I try not to.”

“Oh, you’ve got to remember!” Phoenix insisted. “It was fall, and Pac-Man was, like, the most ancient game in the arcade, and you’d set your sights on trying to get a perfect score before anyone else. You used to get Larry and me to help you reach level two, but you only did that because it was a one-player game and you didn’t like to leave us out. You were always the best at it.”

Miles frowned. “And you remember this why?”

Phoenix ignored him and continued with his story. “Then, there was one day where it was just the two of us, and we were on that thing for over an hour, and we’d got so far, but my hand started to cramp…”

“…And so I deliberately killed off the little yellow thing so you wouldn’t have to hurt your hand anymore.”

“Yeah, that’s…” Phoenix blinked. “Wait, so you do remember, after all!”

Miles snorted. “I remember. Some guy had already got the perfect score years before me, so it wasn’t really a significant sacrifice.”

Phoenix laughed. “Ah, yes. But it was fun, still. You and me battling the evil jellies from hell.”

Miles raised an eyebrow. “They were ghosts, Wright.”

Phoenix chuckled. “Whatever. They always looked like jellies to me.”

Miles smiled slightly, before looking away and shaking his head.

“So, are you up for a game?”

Miles looked back at him. “Excuse me?”

Phoenix grinned. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“It’s late, Wright.”

“Come on, Edgeworth!” Phoenix whined. “One game. Please?”

Miles looked away again. “Look, I’ve got to get back to the office to prepare for court tomorrow…”

Phoenix sighed and took a look back at the arcade.

I must look really pathetic…

But why can’t Edgeworth just loosen up every so often?

“…Fine. One game.”

Phoenix turned back to Edgeworth and smiled. He caught hold of his wrist and pulled him inside the arcade.

“Now, that’s what I like to hear!” He motioned for Edgeworth to stand next to him. “Here, Miles, you can help me with my joystick.”

Aha! That’s a good one, there, Phoenix.

“What did you just say?” Miles asked quickly.

Whoops. Caught out.

“Hey, I didn’t mean any sexual pun by it!” Phoenix replied defensively.

“No, it wasn’t…” Miles trailed off. “Never mind. Just hurry up. I don’t have all night.”

Phoenix laughed and inserted some coins in the machine.

He was pleasantly surprised to find Edgeworth participating in the game just as much as he did. He was even more surprised when Edgeworth let out a small cheer when they reached level two. Just as things started to get harder, Phoenix found his and Miles’ hand would brush together when they fought over the controls, resulting in a small flinch from both of them. By level four, when it got even harder, the flinch was gone, and if anything, Phoenix took malicious pleasure in taking the control stick from Edgeworth and telling him he was doing it wrong, even though he knew that the other man was a lot better at the game than he was.

They were finished in level five, killed off by the pink ghost that Phoenix politely dubbed ‘Ghostie Edgeworth’.

“That son of a bitch! We only had five little dots to go!” Phoenix scowled at the screen and stuck his hands in his pockets.

Miles chuckled slightly and shook his head. “You haven’t changed at all.” He checked his watch and sighed. “Well, as fun as this was, Wright, I really need to get going.”

Is it just me or was that not actually sarcastic?

Wait. This is Edgeworth. Of course it was. Hell would freeze over before that guy had a laugh.

Phoenix nodded. They left the arcade and set off again. It was then that he remembered the whole reason they were there in the first place.

“Edgeworth, you’ve got to go on Saturday.”

Miles stopped and gave him an unimpressed look.

“Hear me out, here,” Phoenix continued. “It really can’t get much worse than last night, and truth is, I really don’t want to upset Larry any more than he already is, or I’ll never hear the end of it.” He gave Miles a pleading look. “Please? I swear I won’t be… ‘clingy’, as you put it.”

Phoenix vaguely wondered why he wanted Edgeworth to go so badly. It wasn’t as if he would be very good company.

Except… he would.

Hah. I enjoy spending time with Edgeworth? When did that happen?

Sighing, Phoenix looked away and started walking again. “Ah, forget it.”

“Are you sure?”

Phoenix nodded slowly. “Yeah. It was funny seeing your face, but I suppose enough is enough.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes. Phoenix noticed that Edgeworth appeared to be lost in thought again.

“How about we make a deal,” Miles said, suddenly. “I’ll come on Saturday as long as you stop with the invasiveness.”

Phoenix stopped and gave Miles an ‘Are you serious?’ look.

Miles looked as serious as ever.

Phoenix smiled. “It’s a deal.”

Looks like we’ve overcome the technical glitch on the Edgeworth motherboard.

“But, Edgeworth, I really don’t want to know about when you’re coming. That’s just disgusting.”

Mature? Me?

Phoenix snickered at the annoyed look on Edgeworth’s face.

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Last edited by Shiva on Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:54 am, edited 4 times in total.

As much as I hate to admit I'm actually reading and enjoying a Phoenix/Edgeworth story, I can't help laughing and eagerly awaiting each new chapter. Thanks for a funny and charming fanfic! XD

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