Gender: Male
Location: The Shadow Realm
Rank: Ace Attorney
Joined: Wed Mar 07, 2007 10:37 pm
Posts: 1320
*Location: Gant's House*
*Phoenix is on the couch by the fire, with Maya's head resting in his lap. Edgeworth is in an armchair knitting, because he's gay like that.*

I'M NOT GAY, YOU FUCKIN' A!
*...Godot is in front of a HDTV, playing Assassin's Creed.*

*listening to iPod, singing along*
...yesterday, 'FaketheFunk tried to pull a knife on me
because I told him Phoenix/Maya is my OTP
this author shit is the life for me
and all the other guys just despise me because...
These chicks don't even know the name of my 'fic
But they all on me for my 13 inch dick
If I feel nice, I'll let them have a small lick
All because I'm the lead author of my 'fic.

Your dick is not 13 inches.

And you can prove this how? Have you even seen it?

....no.

Then keep your mouth shut.

Where the hell is Gant and Gumshoe?

Gumshoe is in front of Gant's old TV playing with an Xbox360 controller.

*in front of a static TV* Wheee. I am the master snow globe maker!

And what about Gant?

Well, he isn't here! Isn't that good enough?

No, because A: we need him to do the show and B: who knows what havoc he will wreak if he is in the outside world.

Bitch, will you shut the fuck up, I'm trying to kill bitches here. NO, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU COINS, HO! GET OUT MY FACE BEFORE I SHANK YOUR ASS, BITCH! HOW 'BOUT YOU COME SUCK MY DICK AND I'LL FEED YO' ASS FOR A WHOLE FREAKIN' WEEK!

He's at his job.

YEAH, I TOLD YOU I'D SHANK YOU, BITCH! BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN!

Godot, calm down, it's just a game...

FUCK YOU, TRITE! I WAS TRYING TO ASSASSINATE THIS GUY EARLIER AND THESE SPECIAL ED FUCKERS COME UP TO ME THINKING IT'S A BOXING RING. NEXT THING I KNOW, KING RICHARD'S ARMY IS CRAMMING THEIR DICKS UP MY ASS, BITCH!

Gant got part time work at the mall....

Ohh fuck, IT'S THE DAMASCUS 5-0. YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, BITCH! I'LL PIMP SLAP YOU BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

Godot, that is where they came from.

Quiet, Trite, I'm playing video games.

FOR THE LOVE OF RA, PLEASE DON'T IGNORE MEEEEEEEE!

Great, it's that bitch Ron Dyluck, or whatever the fuck his name is.

Ron, what the hell are you doing here.

Ohh, it's still me, Chinese Infantry. Except ever since Trials and Tribulation made it to the 'States, I've been feeling weird. I've been getting whinier, and
and sometimes I trail off in my sentences...
That'll wear off once the joke gets old anyways, what were you saying.

Gant's working part time at the mall during the Christmas season.

But Gant has all these cool gadgets, such as an Xbox360, an HDTV, a computer loaded with top of the line hardware, a cappucino machine that create the perfect cup of coffee based on what you are thinking of...

Which, by the way, is the only reason I hang out with you Edgeworthfuckers. I'd much rather be at my crib chillin' wit' my hos.

...and a hot tub.

Yeah, and Gant doesn't even give a shit when we use it.

WAIT, DON'T TELL ME HE'S WORKING AS A...

I know what you are thinking, and you are wrong.

HUH?

DAMMIT! YOU MADE MY GUY DIE.

He's not working as a mall Santa because that joke would be too obvious. That, and
Lyssie would kill me if I made another Gant raep joke... 
Then pray tell me, where is he working?

Victoria's Secret...

HUH?

Well, you see, normally, he's only bisexual for children, but during December, he becomes fully bisexual...

Could Gant's sexuality possibly get any weirder?

I heard during the 30th of February he becomes a heterosexual who does community service.

There's no such date, you dumb fuck, not even on leap years.

If there was, maybe there would be one day he doesn't put his wee-wee in my poopy hole.
*meanwhile, at the mall*

Young woman, I will need to measure your boob size before I can pick out the correct bra for you *starts groping customer's breasts*

Teehee, are you sure that's how you measure boob size.

HO HO, MAH GIRL! I AM A LICENSED BOOBOLOGIST! I SPECIALIZE IN BREASTS, MY DEAR!

Ohh. But be gentle, will ya.

*20 minutes of meaningless boob molestation later* I've got just the bra you need *returns with an extremely skimpy bra, which barely covers the nipples*

Are you sure that itty bitty bra could cover these breasts. *squeezes them*

*Gets a hard on* Less questions, more money.

*Pays* teehee, I can't waaait to try this on *leaves*

You know, there are other bras we sell.

ADRI, MAH GIRL, I WISH TO GIVE ONLY THE BEST TO OUR CUSTOMERS!

You've sold the same damn bra to every single girl that's walked in here. You even sold it to that guy who had a fetish for wearing women's underwear.

*Walks in* Bitch, sell me underwear, or get whipped.

*Wraps arms around Franny* Oooh, why don't you step into the changing room and I'll help you try on a few things.

*Goes with Adrian to...ohh who am I kidding, they are having lesbian sex in a changing room.*

*Walks in* Do you guys sell panties that are the size of a small country? You see, my wife is covered with moles...

Ho ho, Payne, MAH BOI! YOU'RE SHOPPING AT THE WRONG STORE. HOWEVER *grabs Payne's ass* I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PICK YOU OUT A G-STRING THAT WILL SHOW OFF YOUR FINE ASS.

If I wasn't such a loser, I'd complain...
*back at Gant's house*

Man, lesbian women are so lucky. They can both shop from and have alone time to the Victoria's Secret catalog. HOW DO THEY DO IT?

I have no idea. However, I do know that we can't start the show without Gant.

I'M HOME FROM WOOOORK!

...not that it's a bad thing.

I don't want to hear about how it went, so don't better telling.

Dammit, I was winning too.

You say that about every game you play every time we interrupt. Now proceed with the nudity, we start in five minutes.

*Happiness Punch* Hey guys.

What the hell is Dessie doing with you in the author's seat.

Ohh, that's Happi, she's currently using her body. She's been real nice to me lately, so I'm letting her watch the show from the author's chair. Now get to it. But first, a commercial...
*commercial time*

This Christmas, from Victoria's Secret, the one store which women shop from and men masturbate to, comes the ultimate Christmas present...

*Light shines on her, revealing her wearing nothing but a pair of panties. Her arms are being used to cover her breasts*

Our very own brand of Magical Panties. As seen used by the famous magician Trucy Wright, not only does it make a very sexy surprise for a special someone, but you can draw almost anything from there. Feel like getting a magic show as well as a striptease. Then these magic panties may just be the perfect Christmas surpise.

*Barges in* I OBJECT TO ALL OF THIS!

Cut! Who the hell is this fruit?

Sir, it's not what it looks like.

No, I'm not here about the topless underage girl, I'm here about what you just said.

...and that would be...

The fact that you assumed that the viewer celebrated Christmas...

ALRIGHT, I'LL CHANGE IT TO "HOLIDAY SURPRISE", NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

...Just wanted to make sure you were including everyone *leaves*

...well that blew the commercial.

I'm going to go have lesbian sex with Pearl *leaves*

Want me to transform into a chick so we can have lesbian sex?

Sure, I'm bored anyways...
*Commercial ends*
Chinese Infantry presents (a present to all the people at Court Records, because I love you guys so much)...
FOUR GUYS (and one freeballer) NAKED IN A HOT TUB!
CHRISTMAS EPISODE!
An unrehearsed discussion group that jumped on the "Christmas Episode" bandwagon...
Featuring the followings group members:
(

) Miles Edgeworth: Who wants a tea set and a boyfriend for Christmas...

Ok, the whole "Edgeworth is gay" joke is starting to get old...
(

) Maya Wright: Who wants to go to White Castle for Christmas...

No, I want to buy it out, get it right...
(

) Damon Gant: Who wants a son/daughter for Christmas...

I believe the correct term is "six-year-old male/female sex slave"...
(

) Godot: Who wants a pretty princess dress for Christmas...

BITCH, I'LL PIMP SLAP YOU FOR BUTTING INTO MAH LIST!
(

) Dick Gumshoe: Who wants a raise for Christmas...

And maybe for Franziska to not force me to wear antlers and parade me around the office on a leash...
And now, the group moderator, who wants nothing more than for the world to have less idiots...
(

)
PHOENIX WRIGHT!(

)

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

Who the fuck's this bitch?

Is there a problem?

A problem? I, ROMAINE LETTUCE, WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS DISCRIMINATION.

Uhh, I'm multi-racial like you wouldn't believe.

Not that, it's the title. "Christmas Episode"! Do you realize how offensive that is to people who don't celebrate Christmas?

Man, even during a time of joy, some bitch will find a way to get his panties in a bunch.

Yes, I fully realize that, which is why I went with calling this a Christmas Episode.

Huh?

Personally, I am fed up with being told "OHH, CALL IT A HOLIDAY TREE, HANG UP A HOLIDAY WREATH, CALL IT A HOLIDAY EPISODE!" No fucking way. I celebrate Christmas, so I'm calling this a Christmas Episode, because I'm not a pussy who is afraid to say "Merry Christmas!" Anyone who gets offended can kiss my white, black, etc. etc ass.

I don't believe, why, I ought to...

If you could just step over to a side for a bit, we'll speak with you later.

But...*is shoved off to the side*

...as I was going to say, welcome to the FG(AOF)NIHT Christmas Episode. Since this is a Christmas Episode, we will be discussing the many mysteries surrounding this joyous and somewhat over commercialized holiday. So let's get this over with. Issue number 1: Rudolph's red nose. What drugs was Rudolph's mother doing while she was pregnant? I'm sure as shit that ain't genetic. Edgeworth, would you enlighten us your views...

The other reindeer were right to shun him because he was imperfect. Also, the song is wrong. Instead of asking him to guide his sleigh, Santa shot him with a 12 gauge for being imperfect.

Edgeworth, you are a depressing fuck.

Actually, that's what Manfred told me.

Well, then he's a depressing fuck. Maya...

One time, Pearly channeled Rudolph's mother. She swore that she wasn't doing anything, but I called bullshit. She never did find out though...

Nice effort though *kisses*. Gant...

OHH MAN, I WAS SO THERE WITH A VIDEO CAMERA WHILE RUDOLPH'S PARENTS WERE HAVING SEX! DO YOU...

No, we don't want a copy of the video.

I was going to ask if you wanted me to have drunken, drugged up bondage sex with you so we could create a red nosed child.

GOD NO, YOU SICK FUCK!

Stop pretending like you wouldn't enjoy it, bitch. Just pretend he's Edgeworth if it really is that bad.

Godot, spare me your usual remarks about my sexuality and just give me your opinion.

I asked Victor Kudo once why he had a red nose. He said it was because his father smacked him in the nose with a hammer one too many times as a kid.

Yeah, but you see, Rudolph was born this way, and his nose is shiny.

Ohh...Then it was definitely a combination of LSD and Crystal Meth...

...Gumshoe...

My mommy told me there was fairy dust in his nose!

Well, either your mommy is an idiot or you're a gullible twit. Or both. Issue number 2: Santa Claus. We all know during Christmas Eve at night, he comes down your chimney, places presents under the tree and puts trinkets in your stockings, eats milk and cookies and goes back up. That's all very fine and dandy, ignoring the fact that he's a fatass trying to fit down a thin chimney. However, what really has got me wondering is how he does it AT LEAST A DOZEN MILLION TIMES, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! How is that shit even possible? I don't even think there are even that many MILLISECONDS in a night. Also, HOW DOES HE FILL A DINKY-ASS SLEIGH WITH THAT MANY PRESENTS? Edgeworth...

Manfred von Karma is Santa Claus.

Let me guess, he told you that, right?

No, I just think it's the only possible explanation. How else could such perfection be achieved?

Let's ask Maya...

I asked Santa at the mall once. He told me that Santa is not just one person, but multiple people, who each cover different regions of world. How else could that many presents reach that many households in such a small frame of time.

Those people are called "The Childrens' Parents", bitch.

Godot, shut the fuck up. Maya, nice explanation, love. Gant, your thoughts.

This is why I don't get a job as a mall Santa. No amount of child ass is worth having to lug that much shit around to that many houses all night.

Uhh...
(Nevermind, I think it's best that Gant never lands that job) Godot?

Like I said before. Santa ain't real, it's just the kids parents that do that. Personally, I think the whole idea of Santa Claus is bullshit. Why do we even lie to our children like this in the first place...

Yak yak yak...Gumshoe...

He does it by the magic of fairy dust.

That was your answer to the last question, and it's just as wrong. Issue number 3: Who would win in a fight: Jesus Christ or Santa Claus? Personally, my money is on Jesus Christ. Your thoughts...

Santa Claus...

Santa...

SANTA AND HIS HOT FAT ASS!

Santa, bitch.

OHH CMON? NO ONE THINKS JESUS WOULD WIN?

Jesus would be too busy having buttsex with Judas to even fight back, kinda like how you are often too busy having buttsex with Edgeworth.

Godot, not only is what you said inappropriate, but the Jesus/Judas pairing is completely illogical.

Not according to the fangirls...

Yeah, well, they'll pair up any set of males given the chance...

Fairy Dust!

That's not even a contestant, you dumb fuck.

...ohh....

I've have enough of this. ALL OF THIS CHRISTMAS STUFF IS EXCLUSIVE OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON'T CELEBRATE!

Ohh, for Ra's sake...

THIS FUNNY IS AN AFFRONT TO ALL THOSE WHO CELEBRATE HANNUKAH, KWANZA, OR ANOTHER HOLIDAY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. I'M GOING TO CONTACT MY LOCAL CONGRESSMAN AND I WILL...

I've had enough of this. CYBERDEMON! KILL!

*Blows Romaine Lettuce the fuck up*

Yaaay! Thanks, CI! That guy was annoying.

Thank Ra he's dead. Phoenix, please continue...

*SIGH* Issue number 4: Mistletoe. Why do people kiss under it. I'm not saying it's a bad tradition, I'm saying why? Edgeworth, your thoughts...

Manfred von Karma never believed in kissing...

I'm not surprised. I won't ask you further. Maya...

Look above you, Nick!

Huh?

*Kisses Phoenix*

Awww. Thanks Maya. Gant, your opinion.

At my house, whenever two people were under the mistletoe, THEY HAD HOT SEX! ONE TIME, MY GRANDFATHER JACKED ME OFF WITH TIRE IRON UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE.
Well, that was one piece to the puzzle I'd rather not have heard... Godot, please take the floor. NOW.

I dunno.

I said Godot take the floor, not Gumshoe.

I DID TAKE THE FLOOR, BITCH! AND I DON'T KNOW. AND HONESTLY, I DON'T CARE! CHECK WIKIPEDIA, WHY DON'T YOU.

Sorry, but I'd rather not go to a page where the only information displayed is "Mike is a faggot." Gumshoe...

Mistletoe contains Fairy Dust!

ENOUGH ABOUT THE DAMN FAIRY DUST!
NOW LISTEN HERE. WHEN I WAS A KID, I WATCHED THE MOVIE A CHRISTMAS STORY! IT WAS SO GOOD, I HAVE MY FIRST ORGASM OVER IT. THERE WAS CUM ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. THAT CHRISTMAS, I ASKED FOR A RED RYDER B.B. GUN AND GOT IT. THEN I BLEW MY EYE OUT. AFTER I JACKED OFF AND ORGASMED TO THE PAIN OF IT, I TRIED TO GET A NEW EYE. THEN, MY EYE GREW BACK. DO YOU KNOW HOW? FAIRY DUST! SO FAIRY DUST ISN'T JUST SOME BULLSHIT REASON I KEEP MAKING UP, IT'S A TRUE MIRACLE WORKER! 
...I stopped listening at the word now. CI, why is there mistletoe above your head.

I planted it there for the sole purpose of doing something special at the end of the funny.

...and that would be.

*Takes Happi in his arms and locks lips with her*

...I should have guessed.

*Briefly breaks kiss* Phoenix, end the episode, we need our alone time. *locks lips with Happi again*

Coming up next episode, assuming that bearded guy didn't bring reinforcements, we will venture into even more exciting topics that will possibly scar you for life, kinda like seeing Santa Claus in a thong bikini. MEETING ADJOURNED!
I yell "OBJECTION!" in the court sometimes!