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Katia's Fanfiction forth chapter up!!!! YayTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

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Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:20 am

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heyy guys this my FIRST EVER fanfic so please comment
Return to turnabout
Spoiler: chapter 1
23rd July 10:14am
Wright 7 Justice Law Offices

“Mr Wright?”
“Yes Apollo what is it?” asked Phoenix Wright, Phoenix had just got his badge back after over 7 years and was turning the Wright Talent Agency into the Wright And Justice Law Offices,
”Who are these people?” asked Apollo holding a picture of Phoenix and Seven Others
“Well the Girl next to me is Maya Fey, the cute girl in front of us is her cousin Pearl Fey and the lady behind me is the ghost is my dead mentor Mia Fey…”
“That’s a lot of Feys so where are the now? and Wait did you say G-ghost?”
”Yes I did Apollo, Well Maya is the master of the Kurain Channelling technique teaching or being helped by Pearls and Mia’s here or there, anyway the man in the trench coat and the girl next to him is Detective Dick Gumshoe and Maggey Byrde they work at the same place Ema Skye does.”
“Who’s the man in Magenta and the girl with the whip?”
“That’s Miles Edgeworth, Old School friend And Prosecutor, and the woman is Franziska Von Karma Prosecutor.”
“Cool so Anyway…” began Apollo before he was interrupted
“Daddy a woman and a girl around mine and Polly’s age in kimonos just told me to tell you to meet them at the noodle bar. I think they called you Nick ”
“Trucy what have I told you about talking… wait did you just say ‘kimonos’ and they called me ‘Nick’?” asked a slightly confused Phoenix
“Yeah Daddy, why?”
“We are going to Eldoon’s!” informed Phoenix whilst looking for his keys, his cell phone, his Magatama and taking off his Hat

*********************************************************************
When they got to the Noodle bar Phoenix Froze just as Trucy shouted
‘’those are the two I was on about!”
Then they turned around the older of the two stared at phoenix for a while then she jumped up ran over to Phoenix and hugged him whilst shouting
“NIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!”

Spoiler: chapter 2
July 31st 10:47am
Wright and Justice law offices

“Nick you know I am like the best master in the Office.”
“If its burgers you want Maya, the answers no!” replied Phoenix taking a guess at what the question was
“Wait you don’t even know what my question is, I was going to ask if we all can go to the beach because its such a nice day, come on Nick I haven’t been to the beach for ages.”
“I’m not going to win this one am I? So I guess we all Deserve the treat.”
“YAY, PEARLY, TRUCY, ‘POLLO HURRY UP WE’RE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!” Yelled Maya at the top of her voice

*********************************************************************
July 31st 11:00 am
Shimmerstone Beach
“Thank goodness we know the quiet section of the beach.” Muttered Apollo looking at the over-crowed section,
“last one in the Sea has to wash up tea!!!” said Pearl running as fast as she could already in her swimming costume,
“its not gonna be me its either going be daddy, Maya or Polly.” Laughed Trucy following Pearl,
“or Me.” Added Apollo following the girls,
“Geez whatever the out come its gonna be me washing up, so there’s no point and if I get there before you I’ll be walking around with a red handprint on my face.” sighed Phoenix
“Oh well, heyy Nick does that trench coat look familiar?” whispered Maya pointing to a coat a few metres away .
*********************************************************************
July 31st 12:55 pm
Shimmerstone Beach
“Thank goodness that glimmerous Fop isn’t here.” Thought a Very Relaxed Ema Skye
“Look ‘Polly there’s Ema she might want to join us?” Giggled a very familiar voice
“huh who’s disturbing me this time”
“Hey Ema. ”
“Heyy. ”replied Ema trying to find her Snackoos to throw at Apollo
“Trucy had this idea that we bury Mr. Wright because he’s asleep! want to join us?”
“sure why not.”

“there all done!” giggled Pearl
“yeah Now We got to wake him up!” smiled Trucy
“mystic Maya I dare you to kiss Mr. Nick On the LIPS!!!”Instructed Pearl nobody noticed a Glimmerous Fop walking in that direction,
“yeah Maya Do it do it!!” chanted the others
“Oh Heck but if he wakes up half-way and gets mad your to blame end of.” Sighed Maya leaning over kissing Phoenix On the lips then…
*BANG*
Phoenix wakes up to find Maya snogging his face off she realises he’s awake and jumps back
*BANG*BANG*BANG*
“MYSTIC MAYAAAAAAAAAAAA...”Screamed Pearls
“NOOO PEARLSSSSSSSSSSSSS…”screamed Apollo
“EEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK…”screamed Ema
“FRAULIEN MEIN GOTT FRAULIN!” Shouted Klavier Running over
*BANG*
“NIENNNNNNNNNNNN…”Screamed Klavier
“Mommy what happening?” questioned a young boy
“Maggey take Will and get away now!”
“But…”
“No buts go!”
*BANG*
“MOM DAD HELPPPPPPPPPPPP…” were the last words of the boy called Will

Date: 31st July
Time: 2:45
Hotti Clinic

“Daddy are ‘Polly and Pearls alive?” Choked Trucy her face stained by tears hoping to hear if her Older brother and best Friend was alive
“I think so… look there’s gumshoe!” said Phoenix
“Heyy Gumshoe what’s the matter?” asked Maya trying to cheer everyone up
“Huh… Oh hey Pal long time no see.” replied an unstable Detective Gumshoe suddenly a girl in glasses ran towards Gumshoe crying her eyes out
“It’s no use Dick he…he…he’s gone.” Sobbed the woman as phoenix realised who it was
“Maggey is that you?” Questioned Phoenix
“is a Mr. Phoenix Wright and Ms. Maya fey here?” asked a nurse
“YES!” replied Phoenix and Maya in unison
“Mr. Apollo and Ms. Pearl are in intensive care but we don’t know yet if they’ll survive. Ms. Skye in conscious and wants to talk to you and Mr. Gavin is unconscious…”
“Can I See my brother Apollo please?” begged Trucy
“I guess you could this way Ms.”

“Is Ms. Maggey Byrde Here?” asked a police officer
“THAT MRS. GUMSHOE TO YOU PAL!” shouted Gumshoe
“Right, uhhh, Maggey Gumshoe I am arresting you on suspicion of Killing Will Gumshoe putting 3 people in intensive care and injuring 2 others…”
“What no pal she can’t of!”
“Dick Help!”
“… you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.”
“C’mon Pal please help Maggey Our little girl won’t be able to cope now that her brother is dead and moms in jail please.”
“We’re on c’mon Nick!”
*********************************************************************
July 31st 2:51Pm
Detention centre
“Maggey we know that you didn’t kill anybody so…so…”Stammered Phoenix
“Mr. Wright Can You be my Defence attorney?”
“Y-yes o-of course.”
“Alright We’re back in action.” Whooped Maya


Spoiler: chapter 3
“Nick What the Heck are you doing?”Asked Maya
“Sorting out my court record, why we have time?”
Court record
Profiles
Maggey Gumshoe- 30 Defendant wife to dick and mother to will
Dick Gumshoe- 39 Detective husband to Defendant Will’s dad
Maya Fey- 25 my assistant
Pearl Fey- 18 intensive care Maya’s cousin
Apollo Justice- 19 intensive care trucy’s brother attorney
Ema Skye- 24 injured detective
Klavier Gavin- 25 injured Prosecutor
Will Gumshoe- 5 dead was shot in the chest
Daniel Smart- 28 Prosecutor intensive care
Trucy Wright- 17 my daughter witness to murder
Evidence
Attorneys Badge- Mine
Magatama- Mine lets me see if people are lying
Map of Shimmer stone beach
Will’s Autopsy report- shot through chest by a pistol

“Right where first we spoke to Maggey?”Questioned Phoenix
“well I heard Mr. Gavin’s conscious we could go visit him.”
**********************************************************************************
“Mr. Gavin there are a couple of people waiting outside shall I let them in?”Asked the Nurse
“Ja Bitte.” I replied
“Morning Klavier.”
“Morning Herr Wright and this is Maya Right?”
“Oh My God Nick He knows my Name HE knows MY Name!”Squealed Maya Jumping up and Down
“of Course I Know your name Herr Wright talks about ALL the time!” I knew exactly what to say because I was hoping Herr Wrights face would go bright red and it did as well
"I-I d-don’t talk about Maya a-all the t-time.” Stammered Phoenix going even redder
“Of course so what can I do for you today If you also want to talk to the fraulin she is in the bed over there.”
“YOU WATCH WHAT YOUR SAYING FOP!”
“Well what do you remember?”
“I was going to Shimmer stone beach I knew the fraulin was there as well I was walking over because I saw your daughter Herr Forehead and Ms. Skye crowed around you then I realised Ms. Maya was kissing you …”
“Can you please leave that bit out?”Asked Phoenix going red again
“…And then I heard 4 gunshots then I heard a girl with you scream then Herr Forehead scream then … then I heard Fraulin scream I… I ran over I shouted then Bang I was shot last thing I remember was the Fraulin Covered in blood, whilst I’ve been unconscious that’s all I’ve seen the fraulin covered in blood.”
“It’s ok Mr. Gavin, Nick I-I’m going to check on Trucy she’s been here all night.” Said Maya who had also gone red
“So what’s going on between you two?” I Asked
“I could ask the same thing between you And Ema!”Replied Phoenix
“Ack don’t say that, is Fraulin awake?!!”
“God Klavier would I have said that if she was awake?”
“Phew haven’t you got some investigating to do Herr Wright?”
“Change the topic but yeah talk later.”


Spoiler: chapter 4
Shimmerstone Beach
10:54 am
“Trucy we’re going to investigate want to join us, we could use your ‘talent’.” said Phoenix putting on his trademark hat which doubled up as a hidden camera ‘I’ve got to get Trucy away from Intensive care somehow today or she’s going to end up living there!’
“Okay then daddy… Excuse me sir do you recognise this person?” asked Trucy asking a random guy on the beach her eyes still stained from tears trying to at least look happy ‘this should be fun’
“HEY YOU THERE! YES YOU! HOW DARE YOU COPY ME!” shouted a boy maybe a few years younger than Trucy maybe 14 or 15, wearing exactly the same outfit as Trucy except for the diamond brooch which was in the shape of a club
“Huh? Wait YOUR copying ME!”
“What’s going on this time Trucy?” asked phoenix rolling his eyes
“Some boys gone and copied me that’s what!” yelled Trucy
“I know how to sort this one out! How long have you been wearing that costume?” questioned Phoenix
“Since my uncle gave it to me about 10 years ago, when I was 5! What about the girl?” sneered the boy
“Hmmm about 14 years ago when my mom Thalassa Gramarye and my real Daddy Shadi Enigmar got this costumes tailor made so I will always have one that fits!”
“But… but Shadi Enigmar is … he’s MY UNCLE! Sorry I didn’t introduce myself I’m Sam, Sam Enigmar, and you?”
“I’m Trucy Gramarye, Trucy Enigmar and Trucy Wright because my stage names are Trucy Wright and Trucy Gramarye but Trucy Enigmar is my real name as well.”
“Phoenix Wright, attorney at law.”
“Maya Fey, Master of the Kurain Channelling technique and Nick’s assistant.”

*********************************************************************
Shimmer stone beach
11:54am
“So I hear that the Gramarye family have a ‘talent’ please tell me the Enigmar’s have ‘talents’ as well.” Asked Sam
“Well we can tell if people are lying by seeing if they have a nervous twitch for example when you lie you touch the spade on your cape!”
“Oh my god you found out, well let’s just say I can read peoples minds but some people, people that are unconscious and liars are easier to read than say Mr. Wright.”
“Can… can you come to the hospital then my Brother Apollo is unconscious and I need to know what’s going on in his mind after the beach incident. It’ll help with the Trial.” ‘This has to be some sort of coincidence that me and Sam met!’
*********************************************************************
1st August 12:20pm
Hotti Clinic- Intensive Care Unit

“So that’s Apollo?” asked Sam shocked to see his older cousin who he met in a way lying unconscious
“Yeah please find out what he’s saying if you say I’m here he might tell you more?”
“Okay…”
*********************************************************************
Apollo’s mind
“Ow my chest wait a min where am I? what is this white room Why the heck has some random kid in a Gramarye costume over there?”
“Ah finally I made a connection, Hello Apollo, I’m Sam, Sam Enigmar, Trucy asked me to talk to you.”
“Wha…WHAT you’re an ENIGMAR that… that means…”
“Yes ‘pollo I’m your cousin. Now lets get back to what questions we need answers for Did Maggey Gumshoe Shoot you?”
“No it was a man looked like a case that happened 11 years ago I think it involved Ema Skye what was the case name… ack I was looking at it the other day!” replied a slightly Annoyed Apollo trying to remember what the case was called
“Was it the Joe Darke killings?” asked Sam it was the only case he knew about that happened 11 years ago
“Yeah that’s it but he looked younger and Joe’s dead so I came to a conclusion what if he was Darke’s son.”
“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”
“Where am I? and How is Pearl?”
“We are in your mind, you are unconscious I’ll explain when you wake up an Pearl is fine but she’s got a better chance of waking up than you I’m afraid.”
“oh if I don’t ‘wake up’ can you tell her I love her please?”
“Of… of course she is very pretty I can see why you love her.”
“Thanks tell Trucy to wear her locket and to tell the truth on the witness stand she can do it.”
“ok see you soon ‘Pollo.”
*********************************************************************
Hotti clinic
12:32pm
“well what did he say?” asked Trucy sam told Trucy everything except for the part about pearl
“well it nearly time to go to the Wonder bar will you join in that’s where I do my shows?”
“I guess we all start somewhere so why not.”


thanks 4 reading :odoroki:
oh and i don't know why but i've changed Apollos age to 19
Image
thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever


Last edited by Katia Gavin on Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:47 am, edited 9 times in total.
Re: Katia's Fanfiction first EVER chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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Real men are gray-haired in their 20s.

Gender: None specified

Rank: Medium-in-training

Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2009 3:03 am

Posts: 566

The story idea is good, but your fic would flow better if you used more commas. Also, how come some words within sentences are capitalized? Anyhow, I'm interested to see what happens next :phoenix:
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Totally not my sig...
Re: Katia's Fanfiction first EVER chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

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thanks for the advice i've tried to make this chapter better but i rubbish at stories(or so i've been told) :sadshoe:
right heres chapter 2
Spoiler: chapter 2
July 31st 10:47am
Wright and Justice law offices

“Nick you know I am like the best master in the Office.”
“If its burgers you want Maya, the answers no!” replied Phoenix taking a guess at what the question was
“Wait you don’t even know what my question is, I was going to ask if we all can go to the beach because its such a nice day, come on Nick I haven’t been to the beach for ages.”
“I’m not going to win this one am I? So I guess we all Deserve the treat.”
“YAY, PEARLY, TRUCY, ‘POLLO HURRY UP WE’RE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!” Yelled Maya at the top of her voice

*********************************************************************
July 31st 11:00 am
Shimmerstone Beach
“Thank goodness we know the quiet section of the beach.” Muttered Apollo looking at the over-crowed section,
“last one in the Sea has to wash up tea!!!” said Pearl running as fast as she could already in her swimming costume,
“its not gonna be me its either going be daddy, Maya or Polly.” Laughed Trucy following Pearl,
“or Me.” Added Apollo following the girls,
“Geez whatever the out come its gonna be me washing up, so there’s no point and if I get there before you I’ll be walking around with a red handprint on my face.” sighed Phoenix
“Oh well, heyy Nick does that trench coat look familiar?” whispered Maya pointing to a coat a few metres away .
*********************************************************************
July 31st 12:55 pm
Shimmerstone Beach
“Thank goodness that glimmerous Fop isn’t here.” Thought a Very Relaxed Ema Skye
“Look ‘Polly there’s Ema she might want to join us?” Giggled a very familiar voice
“huh who’s disturbing me this time”
“Hey Ema. ”
“Heyy. ”replied Ema trying to find her Snackoos to throw at Apollo
“Trucy had this idea that we bury Mr. Wright because he’s asleep! want to join us?”
“sure why not.”

“there all done!” giggled Pearl
“yeah Now We got to wake him up!” smiled Trucy
“mystic Maya I dare you to kiss Mr. Nick On the LIPS!!!”Instructed Pearl nobody noticed a Glimmerous Fop walking in that direction,
“yeah Maya Do it do it!!” chanted the others
“Oh Heck but if he wakes up half-way and gets mad your to blame end of.” Sighed Maya leaning over kissing Phoenix On the lips then…
*BANG*
Phoenix wakes up to find Maya snogging his face off she realises he’s awake and jumps back
*BANG*BANG*BANG*
“MYSTIC MAYAAAAAAAAAAAA...”Screamed Pearls
“NOOO PEARLSSSSSSSSSSSSS…”screamed Apollo
“EEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK…”screamed Ema
“FRAULIEN MEIN GOTT FRAULIN!” Shouted Klavier Running over
*BANG*
“NIENNNNNNNNNNNN…”Screamed Klavier
“Mommy what happening?” questioned a young boy
“Maggey take Will and get away now!”
“But…”
“No buts go!”
*BANG*
“MOM DAD HELPPPPPPPPPPPP…” were the last words of the boy called Will

Date: 31st July
Time: 2:45
Hotti Clinic

“Daddy are ‘Polly and Pearls alive?” Choked Trucy her face stained by tears hoping to hear if her Older brother and best Friend was alive
“I think so… look there’s gumshoe!” said Phoenix
“Heyy Gumshoe what’s the matter?” asked Maya trying to cheer everyone up
“Huh… Oh hey Pal long time no see.” replied an unstable Detective Gumshoe suddenly a girl in glasses ran towards Gumshoe crying her eyes out
“It’s no use Dick he…he…he’s gone.” Sobbed the woman as phoenix realised who it was
“Maggey is that you?” Questioned Phoenix
“is a Mr. Phoenix Wright and Ms. Maya fey here?” asked a nurse
“YES!” replied Phoenix and Maya in unison
“Mr. Apollo and Ms. Pearl are in intensive care but we don’t know yet if they’ll survive. Ms. Skye in conscious and wants to talk to you and Mr. Gavin is unconscious…”
“Can I See my brother Apollo please?” begged Trucy
“I guess you could this way Ms.”

“Is Ms. Maggey Byrde Here?” asked a police officer
“THAT MRS. GUMSHOE TO YOU PAL!” shouted Gumshoe
“Right, uhhh, Maggey Gumshoe I am arresting you on suspicion of Killing Will Gumshoe putting 3 people in intensive care and injuring 2 others…”
“What no pal she can’t of!”
“Dick Help!”
“… you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.”
“C’mon Pal please help Maggey Our little girl won’t be able to cope now that her brother is dead and moms in jail please.”
“We’re on c’mon Nick!”
*********************************************************************
July 31st 2:51Pm
Detention centre
“Maggey we know that you didn’t kill anybody so…so…”Stammered Phoenix
“Mr. Wright Can You be my Defence attorney?”
“Y-yes o-of course.”
“Alright We’re back in action.” Whooped Maya

i hope this ones better :minuki:
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever


Last edited by Katia Gavin on Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Katia's Fanfiction second chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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Gender: Female

Location: Sydney

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Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:19 pm

Posts: 398

It looks good to me. Can't wait for the next chapter ^^
Hope Apollo and the others are alright :sadshoe:
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Made by me :D
Re: Katia's Fanfiction second chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

Gender: Female

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thanks if i knew how to use more smileys on this thing i would give you some cookies but oh well :sadshoe:
enjoy
Spoiler: chapter 3
“Nick What the Heck are you doing?”Asked Maya
“Sorting out my court record, why we have time?”
Court record
Profiles
Maggey Gumshoe- 30 Defendant wife to dick and mother to will
Dick Gumshoe- 39 Detective husband to Defendant Will’s dad
Maya Fey- 25 my assistant
Pearl Fey- 18 intensive care Maya’s cousin
Apollo Justice- 19 intensive care trucy’s brother attorney
Ema Skye- 24 injured detective
Klavier Gavin- 25 injured Prosecutor
Will Gumshoe- 5 dead was shot in the chest
Daniel Smart- 28 Prosecutor intensive care
Trucy Wright- 17 my daughter witness to murder
Evidence
Attorneys Badge- Mine
Magatama- Mine lets me see if people are lying
Map of Shimmer stone beach
Will’s Autopsy report- shot through chest by a pistol

“Right where first we spoke to Maggey?”Questioned Phoenix
“well I heard Mr. Gavin’s conscious we could go visit him.”
**********************************************************************************
“Mr. Gavin there are a couple of people waiting outside shall I let them in?”Asked the Nurse
“Ja Bitte.” I replied
“Morning Klavier.”
“Morning Herr Wright and this is Maya Right?”
“Oh My God Nick He knows my Name HE knows MY Name!”Squealed Maya Jumping up and Down
“of Course I Know your name Herr Wright talks about ALL the time!” I knew exactly what to say because I was hoping Herr Wrights face would go bright red and it did as well
"I-I d-don’t talk about Maya a-all the t-time.” Stammered Phoenix going even redder
“Of course so what can I do for you today If you also want to talk to the fraulin she is in the bed over there.”
“YOU WATCH WHAT YOUR SAYING FOP!”
“Well what do you remember?”
“I was going to Shimmer stone beach I knew the fraulin was there as well I was walking over because I saw your daughter Herr Forehead and Ms. Skye crowed around you then I realised Ms. Maya was kissing you …”
“Can you please leave that bit out?”Asked Phoenix going red again
“…And then I heard 4 gunshots then I heard a girl with you scream then Herr Forehead scream then … then I heard Fraulin scream I… I ran over I shouted then Bang I was shot last thing I remember was the Fraulin Covered in blood, whilst I’ve been unconscious that’s all I’ve seen the fraulin covered in blood.”
“It’s ok Mr. Gavin, Nick I-I’m going to check on Trucy she’s been here all night.” Said Maya who had also gone red
“So what’s going on between you two?” I Asked
“I could ask the same thing between you And Ema!”Replied Phoenix
“Ack don’t say that, is Fraulin awake?!!”
“God Klavier would I have said that if she was awake?”
“Phew haven’t you got some investigating to do Herr Wright?”
“Change the topic but yeah talk later.”

wow i've always wanted to do my own court record
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever


Last edited by Katia Gavin on Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Re: Katia's Fanfiction second chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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A True English Diva-To-Be <3

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Location: Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun~

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I like the idea and your dialogue's really good, but I can't help feeling a little more description is required, just so the reader gets a picture of where the fic is set and what things look like. Hope this helps :)
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Click on Janice for graphics ^^
Re: Katia's Fanfiction third chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

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PandaPrinzessin wrote:
I like the idea and your dialogue's really good, but I can't help feeling a little more description is required, just so the reader gets a picture of where the fic is set and what things look like. Hope this helps :)

hmmm ok i'll try to add more description but all i know is that in my next chapter i've got my own character that causes a bit of a agruement but will be very important

Thanx for the comments
i'll give you guys a at
:shoe:
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever
Re: Katia's Fanfiction second chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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Katia Gavin wrote:
“YOU WATCH WHAT YOUR SAYING FOP!”
LOL! Good old Ema ^^... and good old Klavier xD
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Made by me :D
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Me and my best friend the AAS

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I must say i'm impressed ^^ just try to use more description and narrative.

You're a good writer girl -gives a rose to the user-
I'm feeling invincible tonight
I'm alive
Take a look into my eyes
This time I'ma take you for a ride
I'm invincible tonight
Re: Katia's Fanfiction third chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

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thanx for the comments
i left the next chap at school so i'll be able to post at least on monday
Everyone can have 5 cookies cause i worked out how to get them now :pearly:
:cookie: :cookie: :cookie: :cookie: :cookie:
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever
Re: Katia's Fanfiction forth chapter up please commentTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

Gender: Female

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Posts: 49

okay finally chapter four i'm not very good at narrative but i've tried
Enjoy
Spoiler: chapter 4
Shimmerstone Beach
10:54 am
“Trucy we’re going to investigate want to join us, we could use your ‘talent’.” said Phoenix putting on his trademark hat which doubled up as a hidden camera ‘I’ve got to get Trucy away from Intensive care somehow today or she’s going to end up living there!’
“Okay then daddy… Excuse me sir do you recognise this person?” asked Trucy asking a random guy on the beach her eyes still stained from tears trying to at least look happy ‘this should be fun’
“HEY YOU THERE! YES YOU! HOW DARE YOU COPY ME!” shouted a boy maybe a few years younger than Trucy maybe 14 or 15, wearing exactly the same outfit as Trucy except for the diamond brooch which was in the shape of a club
“Huh? Wait YOUR copying ME!”
“What’s going on this time Trucy?” asked phoenix rolling his eyes
“Some boys gone and copied me that’s what!” yelled Trucy
“I know how to sort this one out! How long have you been wearing that costume?” questioned Phoenix
“Since my uncle gave it to me about 10 years ago, when I was 5! What about the girl?” sneered the boy
“Hmmm about 14 years ago when my mom Thalassa Gramarye and my real Daddy Shadi Enigmar got this costumes tailor made so I will always have one that fits!”
“But… but Shadi Enigmar is … he’s MY UNCLE! Sorry I didn’t introduce myself I’m Sam, Sam Enigmar, and you?”
“I’m Trucy Gramarye, Trucy Enigmar and Trucy Wright because my stage names are Trucy Wright and Trucy Gramarye but Trucy Enigmar is my real name as well.”
“Phoenix Wright, attorney at law.”
“Maya Fey, Master of the Kurain Channelling technique and Nick’s assistant.”

*********************************************************************
Shimmer stone beach
11:54am
“So I hear that the Gramarye family have a ‘talent’ please tell me the Enigmar’s have ‘talents’ as well.” Asked Sam
“Well we can tell if people are lying by seeing if they have a nervous twitch for example when you lie you touch the spade on your cape!”
“Oh my god you found out, well let’s just say I can read peoples minds but some people, people that are unconscious and liars are easier to read than say Mr. Wright.”
“Can… can you come to the hospital then my Brother Apollo is unconscious and I need to know what’s going on in his mind after the beach incident. It’ll help with the Trial.” ‘This has to be some sort of coincidence that me and Sam met!’
*********************************************************************
1st August 12:20pm
Hotti Clinic- Intensive Care Unit

“So that’s Apollo?” asked Sam shocked to see his older cousin who he met in a way lying unconscious
“Yeah please find out what he’s saying if you say I’m here he might tell you more?”
“Okay…”
*********************************************************************
Apollo’s mind
“Ow my chest wait a min where am I? what is this white room Why the heck has some random kid in a Gramarye costume over there?”
“Ah finally I made a connection, Hello Apollo, I’m Sam, Sam Enigmar, Trucy asked me to talk to you.”
“Wha…WHAT you’re an ENIGMAR that… that means…”
“Yes ‘pollo I’m your cousin. Now lets get back to what questions we need answers for Did Maggey Gumshoe Shoot you?”
“No it was a man looked like a case that happened 11 years ago I think it involved Ema Skye what was the case name… ack I was looking at it the other day!” replied a slightly Annoyed Apollo trying to remember what the case was called
“Was it the Joe Darke killings?” asked Sam it was the only case he knew about that happened 11 years ago
“Yeah that’s it but he looked younger and Joe’s dead so I came to a conclusion what if he was Darke’s son.”
“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”
“Where am I? and How is Pearl?”
“We are in your mind, you are unconscious I’ll explain when you wake up an Pearl is fine but she’s got a better chance of waking up than you I’m afraid.”
“oh if I don’t ‘wake up’ can you tell her I love her please?”
“Of… of course she is very pretty I can see why you love her.”
“Thanks tell Trucy to wear her locket and to tell the truth on the witness stand she can do it.”
“ok see you soon ‘Pollo.”
*********************************************************************
Hotti clinic
12:32pm
“well what did he say?” asked Trucy Sam told Trucy everything except for the part about pearl
“well it nearly time to go to the Wonder bar will you join in that’s where I do my shows?”
“I guess we all start somewhere so why not.”

:pearly:
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever


Last edited by Katia Gavin on Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Katia's Fanfiction forth chapter up!!!! YayTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

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Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:20 am

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i'm not badering peple but please can you review i would like to know if its good, bad or you-should-send-it-to-the-recycle-bin i don't mind if its constructive or not Just pleeaseeeeeee review
:Bikini:
katia g
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever
Re: Katia's Fanfiction forth chapter up!!!! YayTopic%20Title
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You'd better be nice to Mr. Judge!

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Posts: 309

I think you have some very interesting ideas, but you have to organise them a bit more.

First, it's just a normal day, when phoenix suddenly reunites with his old friends - something very exciting! But it's suddenly a week later and they're at the beach. And then there's this big shooting! And when they're investigating, Trucy meets her cousin! And then Apollo meets him (though technically, Sam's not Apollo's cousin, since Apollo isn't a son of Shadi), and Sam (who is suddenly called Daniel once) reads Apollo's mind and then it appears that Apollo has fallen in love with Pearl!

Well, that are a lot of live-changing events for 4 chapters, isn't it? That isn't a bad thing, but I think it would be a better story if you'd slow everything down a bit. This can be done by not putting everything in one sentence, describing some things a bit more and work one event out before you start with another.

I hope you get what I mean and I hope you're not offended. I think there's a lot of potential here! =)
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Re: Katia's Fanfiction forth chapter up!!!! YayTopic%20Title
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don't lok at his eye. ARGH i looked

Gender: Female

Rank: Suspect

Joined: Thu Oct 15, 2009 8:20 am

Posts: 49

Tessa wrote:
I think you have some very interesting ideas, but you have to organise them a bit more.

First, it's just a normal day, when phoenix suddenly reunites with his old friends - something very exciting! But it's suddenly a week later and they're at the beach. And then there's this big shooting! And when they're investigating, Trucy meets her cousin! And then Apollo meets him (though technically, Sam's not Apollo's cousin, since Apollo isn't a son of Shadi), and Sam (who is suddenly called Daniel once) reads Apollo's mind and then it appears that Apollo has fallen in love with Pearl!

Well, that are a lot of live-changing events for 4 chapters, isn't it? That isn't a bad thing, but I think it would be a better story if you'd slow everything down a bit. This can be done by not putting everything in one sentence, describing some things a bit more and work one event out before you start with another.

I hope you get what I mean and I hope you're not offended. I think there's a lot of potential here! =)

i change alot but i am a pearl/apollo shipper i just randomly thought of that idea, i know they're not really siblings its easyer than the whole half-cousin stuff that just confuses me, he was originally called daniel.the whole mind talk thing is when i wanted apollo to have a talk in this so the idea came that apollo just has a mind talk thing
i am NOT offended and i'll try to make it better :draw:

and in case you where wondering nothing happened at the office so apollo and nick have just been doing paperwork very boring so i left that out
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thanks to TheBaronAndEma for the sig
TrucyXmachi, NickXmaya, polloXpearl, klema, franziskaXmiles forever
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