Board index » Present Evidence » Present Testimony

Page 1 of 1[ 12 posts ]
 


Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

The Twisted Samurai

Gender: Male

Location: Wherever I may roam.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:05 pm

Posts: 4848

I am pretty nervous abou this since this is gonna be my first fanfic

Title: Iris´s life
Author: My Person
Rating: T
Genre: Life Story
Status: At the beginning
Note:Sensei=teacher,master

Spoiler: Chapter one
It was a nice and warm day in Kurain-Village.
The birds were chirping and the few men who still lived in the Village were happily at work
Iris woke up early this morning,she felt uncomfortable for some reason,she couldn´t explain why but sometimes she felt like this.
Then here twinsister Dahlia came into the room and Iris felt good again.
"Get up,Sis.You´ll be late for breakfast."Dahlia said smiling.
"Oh,good morning sis.I´ll be there in a few minutes."Iris replied.
"Make sure to hurry,channeling class is starting soon."Dahlia said while exiting the Bed room
She put on her channeling clothes and went into the kitchen.
Dahlia their father and their mother,Morgan,were sitting at the table.
It was a kitchen,big enough for a table ,an oven and a few cupboards for ingredients.
"Good morning to everyone."Iris said with a smile
"Uhm,well morning."Her father replied
He often wasn´t in the best temper,probably because he has so much work lately
"Good morning,wanna have some tea,m´dear?"Her mother asked
"Sure."Iris replied while she took a seat
She took two slices of bread,put some cheese on them and ate it.
"Here´s your tea,with extra sugar,right?How you like it."
"Thanks mother.Soon there´ll be the annoucement of the new master.I wonder who it will be"
"Of course I´ll become the next master"Morgan said"I have the potential and big spiritual powers"
"Yes indeed"Dahlia responded ,a little bit sarcasm was in her voice
"You two are late.Better hurry and make sure you two won´t miss channeling-classes"Their father said in a strange voice.
"Ok dad"they both replied


Spoiler: Chapter Two
Dahlia and Iris had a long way to go for school,so they had a lot to time to talk.
It was a long path which they had to follow.A lot of flowers and trees where growing around the path.Almost as if the plants would respect the path a little.
"Don´tcha think Dad was strange this morning?"Iris asked her sister out of the blue
"Nah,he probably has lot of work."
"Yes,but he acted REALLY strange today,and I don´t think work makes you like this.I think something is concerning him.Afterall there´ll be a new master soon because the old master died a few months ago."
"Now that you mention it,he really was strange.I hope mother will become the next master.She´s such a good channeling-medium."She said giggling
"Why do you giggle?I think she´d be a perfect master!"
"Think what you want sis.So,how is you at channeling at the moment?Did ya find your inner center already?"
"Not really,I try really hard,but I don´t like the idea of a death person in my body . . ."
The rest of their way they didn´t talk much more.


Spoiler: Chapter Three
When they finally arrived at school Dahlia and Iris sighed relieved.Their school was a big building.It has a channeling room,a room where student have their classes and a lovely winding way.Around it are a lot of flowers and an incarnator.The winding ways leads to a side-room where students(or guests) can have naps.
"We are not too late"Iris said
"It seems so"Dahlia responded
Classes at the channenling-schools were pretty boring
They gotta meditate a lot and try to find their inner center.
"Before you are able to channel someone you gotta be clear with your self"Their channeling-sensei always told them.
Her name was Misty Fey.
She was a kind,lovely and always happy person.
Iris didn´t liked channeling very much.
The imagination to have a dead person in her body made her shiver her whole body.
"Don´t worry too much."Fey-Sensei always told her in such moments
"These people are happy if they can see their relatives,and if the relatives see a forever dead believed person it makes it easier for them to accept the persons death"
Theses words made her wanna continue everytime Iris heared them.After class she liked to stay a little longer and to hear stories from her sensei about what it means to be a spirit medium.
She also told Iris that she was also a lot scared before she became a spirit medium,for the same reasons Iris had.
These stories and revelations helped Iris a lot and made her more confident.
Especially since Misty was here aunt


Spoiler: Chapter Four
Today was the announcement.
Who will become the next master.
It was at the evening but because of the festivities today was no class.
It was a big festival with fireworks,much food and not any anger . . .well at least till to the announcement itself.The crowd was loud discussing about who it may be.
Iris and Dahlia were together.They had fun with playing games,and eating stuff like cotton candy.Iris wondered how it was made.
"After a long time of discussing and asking the former master herself we came to the conclusion
Misty Fey will be the next master.She has big spiritual powers and she does it for the right targets and her way of thinking is also the right."
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A voice,which sounded like a destroyed glass house came from the crowd.
It was Morgan.
Dahlia felt emberrassed and ran home,Iris followed her sister.
Morgan fell whining to the floor.
Some people tried to calm her down,some looked away,shaking their head.
The person who was most dissapointed was Iris´s father.
The next day he left
"You brought shame and pain to our family with your outburst last night.Ill leave you and the village and I´ll take Iris and Dahlia with me in order to let you drown in your pain."He said
Morgan sat on the bed,saying nothing.She felt empty,like a nothing.Her life
"So my dears,we´ll start a new life from now on.Now go and pack ypur things.We´ll leave in one hour."
"Will mother come with us?"Iris asked in a sad voice
"No."Her father said in a cold way


That´s it so far
I hope at least a few like it
Feel free to comment(constructive)
Image
"The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim."


Last edited by Coffee Prosecutor on Wed Nov 18, 2009 5:55 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

Time for you to sleep.

Gender: Male

Location: Working with Alice on a project of FUN!

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2009 12:27 pm

Posts: 2066

Might want to put it in spoiler tags.
Image
Parents: Chloe, CoffeeProsecutor Brothers: K_V_N, Auraion, OriginalBubs Son: Rarikou
Thanks to Midnight Jasper for the stuff.
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

A beautiful world indeed.

Gender: Male

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2008 1:09 am

Posts: 1334

Yeah, you really should put each chapter in a seperate spoiler tag.

Oh, and for figuring out how to rate your fic visit here.

Also, a few pointers. First, the chapters are too short, and there are numerous grammatical errors. I suggest either two things. You can write in German and upload that to Fanfic.net, or you can have someone look over it and check for grammatical mistakes. Other than that, use paragraphs not lines to write.
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

The Twisted Samurai

Gender: Male

Location: Wherever I may roam.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:05 pm

Posts: 4848

Thnks everybody for your comments
But I wanna write it in english,because I wanna improve my english.
I´ll edit it and concerning the length;I´ll do my best to make it longer
Image
"The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim."
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

~I'm a guy, surprisingly~

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:35 pm

Posts: 969

You may want to learn how to space and use punctuation properly.
Such as when you wrote;
"Will mother come with us?"Iris asked in a sad voice
"No"Her father said in a cold way

It should be...
"Will mother come with us?" Iris asked in a sad voice.
"No." her father said in a cold way.

Try to improve on these things and it will be much better.
... Also it's ' not ` , Sorry
/Grammar Dork
Image
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

The Twisted Samurai

Gender: Male

Location: Wherever I may roam.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:05 pm

Posts: 4848

THX
Where is the ' ?I can´t find it anywhere
and u are no grammar dorc
Image
"The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim."
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

~I'm a guy, surprisingly~

Gender: Male

Rank: Prosecutor

Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:35 pm

Posts: 969

Aah, if it's not on your keyboard, I understand.
And no, trust me, I am. xD
Image
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

lol boobs.

Gender: Female

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:59 pm

Posts: 2792

Dekuran wrote:
You may want to learn how to space and use punctuation properly
[...]
It should be...
"Will mother come with us?" Iris asked in a sad voice.
"No." her father said in a cold way.


Actually I think it's supposed to be like this:

"Will mother come with us?", Iris asked in a sad voice.
Image

"also you meant: Are you from Germany, sorry on the one hand I am not sure about English grammar on the other hand I am a grammar nazi" - Coffee Prosecutor
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

What do you see behind the mask?

Gender: Female

Location: Germany

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2008 11:09 pm

Posts: 2431

It's not bad for a starter.
As the others have mentioned: Pay attention to punctuation and grammar, try to avoid the basic mistakes (spellcheck might be useful, really!) and make sure your sentences are understandable.
The story is told in a very basic way and it's okay, I know how hard it is to write in a foreign language; but don't forget to add more imagery, some more descriptive adjectives; flesh the descriptions of the mood, the scenery and the events out. More details make the story more interesting and more lively for the reader. Try to think about how you would describe it in German - What kinds of details and adjectives you would use - and try to include them in English.

Don't be afraid, be bold - If something doesn't turn out that good, you at least tried and learned from it. You will improve a lot if you give your best and don't hesitate!
Good luck :)
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title

[Words]

Gender: Male

Location: Right beside you... You looked, didn't you?

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:17 pm

Posts: 3940

1: Those 4 chapters all could have been one.
2: You really should work on your grammar.
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

The Twisted Samurai

Gender: Male

Location: Wherever I may roam.

Rank: Ace Attorney

Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:05 pm

Posts: 4848

justis76 wrote:
1: Those 4 chapters all could have been one.
2: You really should work on your grammar.

Ok
I´ll work on it soon
but I have next week a history paper so it could take a while
Image
"The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim."
Re: Coffee Prosecutor´s fanficTopic%20Title
User avatar

Perpetual Prosecutor

Gender: Male

Location: Wherever, whenever, whatever.

Rank: Medium-in-training

Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:30 pm

Posts: 350

What they all said.

A bit of help: "The imagination to have a dead person in her body..."
It's supposed to be "The thought" instead of imagination.

Also, put a space after a period, before starting a new one. Also after commas.

Other than that, not bad my friend, not bad.
Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ] 
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  

 Board index » Present Evidence » Present Testimony

Who is online
Users browsing this forum: Yandex [Bot?] and 3 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum
Jump to:  
cron
News News Site map Site map SitemapIndex SitemapIndex RSS Feed RSS Feed Channel list Channel list
Powered by phpBB

phpBB SEO